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And I don't talk shit about you on the internet
Never told anyone anything bad
Cale's hands were frozen cold. Itching to grab something, anything, but could only remain stiff.
His mind was so loud. So loud to the point that he could barely differentiate what was his thoughts and what are the real voices.
Because there weren't any real voices around.
Nothing to ground him. Nothing that can calm him down.
Nothing.
Not even the person who swore to love him.
Something begins to break inside him. Something that he doesn't want to identify which. Because if he begins to be aware of his own situation, it would only make everything worse.
There's no one who would protect him other than his own.
He is alone. Alone with no one to love him.
After all, who would want to love someone so wrecked within and out? Someone who only knows how to be distant and cold, someone whose only hobby is hurting others unstoppably so?
Who can't even trust a simple word.
A person who doesn't feel like one, someone completely unlikable.
There would be no one who would like someone like him.
'Cause that shit's embarrassing, you were my everything
And all that you did was make me fucking sad
Cale just stands, and stares. In an empty room that was only filled with void, with himself. Loneliness, sadness, and all the things that couldn't be fixed.
Because everything was broken beyond repair.
There's nothing to fix. Nothing that could ever be fixed. Its already been too much, too much that Cale no longer thinks its possible.
Questions like, 'what's wrong with him?' are already useless.
Because everything is wrong with him.
Its not his fault. He didn't asked to be like this. Cale tries so hard to convince himself that its not his fault. The firm clutch on his bare arm proving his point.
His throat both dry and tight. A large lump suffocating him much worse than the unbearable something in his chest.
Cale stares down at his bare feet.
So don't waste the time I don't have
Don't try to make me feel bad
There was only emptiness. Yet it felt so heavy. Heavy to the point that he didn't like it.
To the point that it seems to strangle him. Not wanting to keep him alive as it killed him inside.
It was harsh and painful, yet the pain came from within.
No one would be able to tell something was wrong.
No one else other than Cale himself. Because he don't talk. He doesn't see the point to.
What even is there to say? that he's not okay?
He had never been okay. Only pretend nonchalance was the best he could do.
There was nothing that can make him feel better.
Because only Cale knew himself the best, and he doesn't know how to comfort himself. Almost seem like tranquility doesn't fit him from all the chaotic swirls of strong emotions tightly gripping his heart that couldn't fight back.
Until there is nothing left to feel, and nothing left to hold him up.
So he falls.
I could talk about every time that you showed up on time
But I'd have an empty line, 'cause you never did
The knees that gave out, the arms too weak to support him.
Yet as if a mockery from fate, another pair of arms holds him.
Cale always hated things. He hated a lot of things.
One of which would be breaking down, crumble down, with someone there to worry. With someone there to catch before he truly falls.
Because Cale never experienced this.
And he had never prepared himself for the day that someone would actually come.
All his life, there was only loneliness.
So why now?
Water droplets began to fall down from his eyes. The worried look that faced him only made him feel worse.
He wished Choi Han hadn't come.
So at the very least he could continue suffering alone.
Never paid any mind to my mother or friends, so I
Shut 'em all out for you 'cause I was a kid
"Cale-nim."
Cale raised his shaky arms with the intention of pushing him away, but his own body was very traitorous as it clenched tightly on him instead.
'Leave,' was what he thought, "Please..." was what escaped his trembling lips.
And when Choi Han held him tighter, Cale broke down even more.
A sob inevitably emerges out of him, lowering his head so he doesn't show his face. At least not show the emotions that would reflect on his irises.
Because it would be hilarious if Choi Han saw how broken he truly is.
He wanted to be normal. Cale only wished to be normal.
And yet...
And yet.
He couldn't. Because he doesn't feel like one.
No normal person would be so miserable such as himself.
His hands that shook but continued to hold, his heart that was scarred, nevertheless continued to cling.
Cling to the only warmth he had received in his life.
The sadness too much that Cale began to sway and as his head rests on Choi Han's shoulder, he grasped tighter.
"Don't..." the voice that was so hoarse from the silent crying he had been enduring, the internal turmoil that he could no longer hold in. "...Please."
"Cale-nim."
Another sob as he forced his hand away from clutching tightly, then moving to hit Choi Han's chest instead.
Though his action was only received with no complain, and his hand was very shaky that it didn't have a single strength.
"If you hurt me I'll hate you." He managed to steady himself enough to utter those words out, albeit voice so raspy and quiet almost similar to the silent cries of the wrecked.
"...If you leave me I'll never forgive you."
Cale forces himself to look up and stares. Though he's not sure how he must have looked.
Probably anything but good.
Miserable. As he is. As he has always had been.
The soft touch of lips on his forehead only made everything worse as his tears wouldn't stop from falling out. The ginger way of cradling him made Cale feel like a wave of emotions had splashed over him once more.
He never asked to be comforted.
He hadn't wanted to be comforted.
That was something that was never given to him when he wanted it.
And yet...
As his crying doesn't stop, Choi Han only hugged him tighter.
You ruined everything good
Always said you were misunderstood
Made all my moments your own
Just fucking leave me alone