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Admiral Hackett’s voice faded from her aural implant.
She couldn’t remember the words, just the intent behind them: finish this.
She stumbled forward, away from the two bodies dead on the ground. One that deserved to die and one that deserved to live. Stars, what would she tell Kaylee?
She pressed her hand into her abdomen, the sharp sting of pain causing the edges of her vision to darken. For a moment, she reveled in it. Perhaps these were her last moments. This pain would be her last breath of life. She certainly was used to pain encaspuling her life.
Then the darkness receded and a small mote of relief gave her the strength to crawl toward the console. She reached forward and the pain returned. Crushing.
She was strong—stronger than any other being in this galaxy. She had shifted the planets, pulled the life of the galaxy together despite them wishing to stay apart. Hatred and prejudice whispered at them to cling to their inevitable annihilation. She had drowned it out, made them see that all life was worthy of their sacrifice. The Milky Way would not be made silent.
But the weight bore down on her, grinding her body into the ground. Her knees buckled and she fell to the floor. There was no revelry this time. It did not feel like life. It felt like grief, agony, torture. Not just in her body but that the safety of the galaxy was just out of reach.
The darkness was there again. It threatened. She blinked her eyes, but it did nothing to stop the black from descending on her. She felt the floor beneath her shake before…nothing.
*****
“EDI, open up her channel again.”
He would not give up. Even as he limped through to the shuttle. His armour was torn, melted, barely recognizable as blue in the light of the Shuttle Bay.
“Attempting connection. Dr. Chakwas insists you return to the Med Bay.”
He did not even respond to the request. Instead, he stood at the door of the Kodiak, pressing his trembling talons against the door mechanism.
“Either strap yourself in or get to the damn Battery, Vakarian.” Kaidan barreled out of the elevator, intent on the turian.
Kaidan was still in his battle armour, beat and bruised, but his eyes were clear and full of purpose.
“I’ll strap in when I get this damn door open.”
“What’s your plan? Are you going to fly this through a space battle to the Citadel? Start your search on one of the arms and walk the entire station? ‘Cause that is one of the worst ones I’ve heard in a while.” Kaidan’s brows were furrowed, his mouth set in a straight line.
Garrus’ mandibles flexed and even that movement caused him to wince. But he kept moving, his talons trying to input the codes that he never had to memorize because of Steve.
Kaidan moved closer, causing him to stiffen. But the human just pushed his talons away and keyed in the codes to open the Kodiak.
A look of understanding passed between them and Kaidan stepped onto the shuttle. The human offered a hand. “A Commander needs her squad.”
“Damn right, she does.”
*****
She wished for the opinions of her crew. Her own felt wrong. The Intelligence was silent, staring at her with the eyes of a child she only knew in her nightmares. An all-seeing AI and it chooses this as her beacon of death? It did not understand comfort. Or maybe it wanted to make her squirm in her last moments.
The stars blinked behind the streaks of light she knew were massive bringers of destruction. She was standing in the midst of a galaxy-ending space battle with nothing but a pistol. Supposedly it was all she needed to bring this all to an end. Bring about a new beginning.
If only the stars could speak. They could impart the wisdom she sought.
Her eyes scanned the galaxy laid bare before her, searching for comfort. As a young girl, she had found it in her imagination, her future adventures the salve to her loneliness and her too active mind. Now, her gaze followed a streak of light, pretending that it was the Normandy’s Thanix cannon firing.
What would Garrus say? Come back to me. No, that wasn’t an option. Take them all down, they don’t deserve to live. But what about the geth? EDI? Even individuals that required tech to live? How could she condemn them to die? The ruthless calculus of war.
She squeezed her eyes shut. Tali would understand her hesitation. The Reapers are destruction. But, we thought that was what the geth were too. Look at my people. They are rebuilding with the geth.
If it worked, the Reapers would live, but they would serve the greater good of the galaxy on our terms, not some million-year-old directive. But, who was she to be the one that directed? She was not the Illusive Man. She did not seek this grand purpose, this great power.
Her eyes fluttered open as she imagined Kaidan’s take on this. Save the most lives, Shepard. Sacrificing one for the other is treading close to a line we shouldn’t cross anymore. Understanding breeds peace. Maybe not forever, but for long enough. Haven’t we lost so many already?
But could she choose for every single synthetic and organic being in the galaxy? Was that more than this decision should do? Forcing this understanding was wrong. Wasn’t it?
She banged on her arm, wanting her omni-tool to light up. She wanted the real Kaidan, the real Tali, the real Garrus. This back and forth in her mind was not real. It was not what she needed. There was nowhere saying she had to make this choice on her own. It was not hers to make. It couldn’t be.
You are our chosen. Liara’s voice came to the forefront of her mind. We did not follow you all this way to be your Council. We followed because we trust you to make the decisions that we cannot. You are saving us. Trust yourself as we have for years. Embrace yourself, Shepard.
The blood was pouring from her wound. Those voices were just that, voices. She only had herself out here.
There was not a right choice. But she knew one thing: she did not want to lose anymore. She would be the last one gone in the name of this damn war. She stepped forward. Her choice awaited.
*****
“EDI, open Shuttle Bay doors.”
“I would advise against—”
“You want to save Shepard, don’t you?” he asked, strapped into the co-pilot’s chair while Kaidan started the engine checks.
“I do. But I also do not want to lose either of you.”
He ran his hand along his face, talons grazing his targeting visor. EDI did not understand. He doubted any of the rest of them would get it either. She was absolutely worth the risk they were taking.
“I must alert the rest of the crew.”
“Don’t do that—”
“They are losing two more vital pieces of the crew. They deserve to know they’re at a disadvantage.” Was that anger in her voice?
His mandibles tensed as he heard the reverbration of EDI’s announcement throughout the ship. Their comms immediately were filled with voices.
“Don’t you dare leave this ship, you bosh’tet—”
“—leaving, I am coming with. Lola needs us.”
“—shuttles were decimated by Reaper forces in my cycle.”
“Are you taking my shuttle? I will fly—”
“We can come up with a better plan. Glyph has been scanning—”
“I can get you two closer to the Citadel after I get these Reapers off our ass!”
They were silenced as EDI’s voice came through every speaker. “I’ve connected her, Garrus. She sounds faint.”
Her breaths were ragged. He could hear the hitch in her breath as she moved, wherever she was going. Spirits, she was still alive. He needed to get this damn shuttle out of here now.
“Kaidan, fire up those engines.”
He looked up, hoping that she could hear him. “Shepard?”
*****
She was almost there. She dragged her leg, it unable to support any of her weight. But she would not crawl. This end deserved head high, shoulders squared back. She may not be looking Harbinger in the eye, but she was sealing its fate.
Her hand trembled as she released her grip on the pistol. It clattered to the ground, stark against the tarnished silver. She didn’t need it where she was going. There was no more death to be had at her hands.
As her body pushed through the pain, her mind keeping the dark at bay, she thought she heard Garrus’ voice. She closed her eyes. They both knew this could be a one-way trip. Still, she wished the voices in her head wouldn’t give her hope in having one last conversation.
“Shepard! If you can hear me, send a nav-point. We’ll come and get you.”
Wait, was this real?
“Shepard. C’mon, I can hear you breathing. Please, please be conscious.”
Her comm was busted, omni-tool nothing more than a memory at this point. EDI must’ve done something, picked up her receiver and connected it to the Normandy? Or she was teetering on the edge of death and reality was blending with her imagination.
“Garrus? Don’t come here. Get out of the system if you can. I don’t—”
“No, we are not abandoning you, Shepard. Not again.”
She looked forward. Her choice was before her. “I am abandoning you.”
The line was silent. Perhaps he had listened to her. No, this was Garrus.
“There has to be another way. Kaidan and I are in the Kodiak we will be there in a few minutes.”
Ah, there he was.
“This is not a pick-up call.” She took a deep breath, her chest shuddering with the effort. “This is a goodbye. A real one.”
“No.” His voice was quiet. She could practically hear his mind whirring with alternate plans of extraction, calculations, something to stop her from stepping into the light.
“Promise me that you will not become Archangel again.”
“I can’t—” The silence was loud and Shepard stopped a step away from the pulsing energy. Her end was in front of her.
“You can. Visit those oceans. Find someone that will slow down enough to let you paint.”
“You are the love of my life.”
“And you’re mine.”
She heard Garrus exhale. She could imagine the shift of his chest muscles under the touch of her fingers. She would run them over the ridges and count the valleys that hid beneath his armour. Her eyes would meet his and his arm would grip her tightly around the waist.
“I guess you’re terrible at following orders.”
She let out a half-laugh. Her foot slid to the precipice.
“Things will change after I do this. Know that I wanted to save as many lives as I could.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You don’t need to.” She breathed in. “You are going to do so many beautiful things and I expect a debrief when I see you next.”
“Shepard…I love you.”
She smiled. Amidst the debris and the weight of her next moments, she felt the warmth of the love she shared with Garrus fill her body.
“I love you too. Meet me at the bar, Garrus. Make me wait. And—I hope you understand my choice.”
They would be together one day. Until then, she would watch over him. Protect him.
She closed her eyes, letting herself remember his face one last time. Bask in the memory of who she was leaving behind.
Live, my love.
She stepped in.