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Jeongguk has become quite the actor lately. The group likes to narrate that its Taehyung and Seokjin who are the talented actors amongst the seven of them. Rightfully so as Seokjin has a degree in acting and Taehyung’s Oscar worthy performance on Hwarang. No doubt they take the cake when it comes to acting. But Jeongguk, much to people’s surprise, has actually improved in his skills quite extraordinarily in ways that one wouldn’t even realize. In so many ways that people don’t understand, Jeongguk was able to play a convincing character for his entire life as an idol. A character who isn’t totally and utterly in love with Kim Taehyung.
The members had always and will forever be the only people in his life to fully understand him. They know what he’s feeling, what he’s going through, what he’s struggling with because they’re all in the same boat. They all know each other exactly to the tee because they’re all experiencing it together. However… this… falling in love with your band mate? That is quite possibly the one thing the other members could never experience with him. How could Jeongguk expect any one of them to understand him? He can’t expect that. So… for the first time in a long time… he’s forced to deal with his issues alone.
Jeongguk is a professional. He’s not going to let his emotions impede on the success of his and his group mates’ careers. He did everything exactly as he planned; speak to his hyungs formally, never go to bed angry, apologize when he’s wrong, always be honest, and show his truest self to the fans. Everything went exactly as planned. Except… when it didn’t.
He crumbled and found someone who could relate to his problem. It was Taehyung. Jeongguk’s elder counter part knew exactly how Jeongguk was feeling because, well… Taehyung loved him too. He didn’t have to deal with it alone anymore.
Taehyung and Jeongguk were something of magic. The things they felt for each other were unthinkable, unimaginable, and irreplaceable. It felt too perfect. They got along so well. And so the devil’s advocate called the balance of the universe knew with a love like this they’d never face any challenges. So what came next for the two was something painful. Something of extreme torture.
Their lives, just as Jeongguk had expected, had been trying to avoid since the first day he realized his love for Taehyung, became hell. The group became successful. Immensely. And their personal lives became a second thought, begging for scraps of change, abandoned. Suddenly the entire world had eyes on them and Taehyung and Jeongguk just couldn’t be seen like they wished they could. They had an image to uphold and the careers of six men on their backs plus their own that became their responsibility to nurture like a child.
And while they juggled their careers and their futures, their relationship had to be sacrificed and dropped to the floor. That breakup was something of castastrophy. It caused a riff between the two for years, as one tried to meet the other in the middle, the other was already far past the point of resolve. Playing game of chase and pull until eventually fighting for each other became another chore.
Taehyung was quicker to accept their split while Jeongguk desperately tried to keep something, anything, bits and pieces of their relationship intact. But could never find their middle ground.
It wasn’t until they finally had a time to rest, they put a pause in the reality of their working lives and suddenly they were just 20 year old guys again. Suddenly they longed for love again. They had a love once, perhaps it wasn’t too late to chase after it one more time. For the duration of their trip, the gravity between the two only grew stronger, just like when they were younger, and so the chase not only became easier, it became inevitable, no longer chasing but falling into each other… for each other.
After dinner under the tarp, as Namjoon and Jimin left with their dishes to wash up and the others left for their own activities, Taehyung stayed back in preparation for something off of the itinerary. He helped clear things off the table, organizing his things to his liking.
The idol comes out from the upper house with a case of six soju bottles and sets them aside. He grabs two chairs from the main table under the tarp and sets them across from each other on either side of the small campfire. In a bowl are slices of jamon he cut himself, setting it down on a wooden side table next to the campfire before gathering extra pieces of firewood. He chucks a couple pieces in and pokes at the burning wood with a stick, reviving the fire.
A bit later, Jimin returns from washing the dishes and comes up to his hardworking counterpart. “Ah, are you almost ready?” He asks, patting Taehyung on the back.
Taehyung nods with a soft smile.
“Are you nervous?”
Taehyung lets out a nervous breath. “A little bit…”
Jimin chuckles sweetly, running comforting fingers through the hairs on his friend’s nape. “Don’t be. I’ll go get him for you, okay?”
Jimin leaves with a pat on the shoulder and a pep in his step, leaving Taehyung to talk himself up by the fire.
Jeongguk sat on the bench in the activities room wrapping up his hands in red gauze, his boxing gloves laying next to him on the floor. As he finishes up his hand wraps, Jimin knocks on the glass door and, if he wasn’t so dead-set on working out tonight, he’d have caught on to how odd it would be for the elder to knock on the door to a common room.
“Jeonggukkie,” Jimin calls.
“Hm?” Jeongguk hums.
“Uhm… you need to go to the floating house.”
“Why?”
Jimin steps into the room and notices his hand wraps. “Were you going to workout?”
Jeongguk looks up to the elder from where he sits, confused. “Yeah, why?”
“Ah, there’s a leak in the floating house, you need go check on it.”
“A leak?” Jeongguk stands up immediately, towering over Jimin.
The concern on the boy’s face makes it difficult for Jimin to hold in his laughter. He drapes his arm around the younger boy’s shoulders and leads them out the door.
“C’mon, let’s go check on the floating house,” he says through a grin.
Jeongguk lets himself be guided outside, boxing gloves forgotten, curious as to what Jimin could be so gung-ho about. As they head further outside, Jeongguk begins to doubt the existence of a leak in the floating house and his doubts are confirmed when the elder leads him, not to the house, but to Taehyung who sits earnestly by a glowing campfire under the tarp.
When Taehyung looks their way, he makes direct eye contact with Jeongguk, making his cheeks warm up in an instant. Taehyung stands to greet the two with a shy smile, causing Jimin to burst out in laughter.
“Ah, hello, there!” Taehyung says, bowing to Jeongguk playfully.
Jeongguk breaks out into an ear-to-ear grin, feeling his heart flutter slightly. He watches as the other two bicker among themselves, taking notice in Taehyung’s flustered demeanour.
“I waited 30 minutes for you to make the jamon.”
“Ah, thank you for finding this place.”
They shook hands with Jimin acting like an overprotective father trying to intimidate Taehyung into bringing Jeongguk home before 9 PM.
“I couldn’t come up with an excuse to bring him outside. I told him there was a leak in the floating house,” Jimin explains.
Jeongguk took his seat in the chair adjacent to Taehyung’s with a breath of relief. “Ah, I knew there was no leak.”
“Ah, Jimin, leave now,” Taehyung demands.
In the midst of the bickering, Seokjin arrives at the scene. With a knowing smile, he stares at the two shy boys in front of the campfire. “Oh is it date night?” He teases.
Jeongguk tilts his head, smiling shyly to himself while Taehyung tries to lure the crowd of two away from them.
As Jimin left somewhere with Seokjin, Taehyung remained standing in front of the youngest boy. He held his hand out for a hand shake to which Jeongguk returned with his gauze wrapped hands.
“Jeonggukssi… ah… nice to meet you,” the elder jokes, bowing to the boy again.
Jeongguk giggles, playing along. “Aha, yes.”
When they retract hands, Taehyung notices the boy’s hand wraps. “Are you gonna punch me?”
Jeongguk shakes his head. “No, no, I was gonna work out,” he explains.
As Taehyung sits down, Jeongguk sees the bowl of jamon next to the fire and two pairs of chopsticks readily available. “Wow, look at this,” he exclaims, picking up a pair of chopsticks eager to have a bite.
“I cut them myself,” Taehyung says proudly.
They both grab their own slices of jamon from the bowl and give it a taste. Jeongguk hums, satisfied with the taste before beginning to unwrap the gauze from his hands.
Taehyung watches him fondly, taking in their one of the few moments alone together on this trip, feeling his heart skip a beat in excitement. He’s about to say something until he sees someone from the camera crew walking around a few yards behind Jeongguk and he’s horribly reminded that they’re still being filmed. By all means, he prefers camera crew around rather than overbearing producers, but the cameras’ lenses are still just as loud.
“What’s the occasion?” Jeongguk asks, eyes glistening from the fire.
Taehyung’s posture loosens up. He reaches for two bottles of soju and hands one to Jeongguk. “A while ago you called me and said you wanted to have a drink with me. Do you remember that?” He says, voice sweet.
Jeongguk nods.
“As I got to thinking, I realized, we’ve never had a proper drink together. That’s why I wanted to take this chance now to drink and talk. Like we used to,” his voice fades into something gentle as his gaze melts into something warm.
How could Jeongguk refuse? His eyes smile before his lips, unwrapping the rest of the red gauze and placing them on a chair by the main table. He takes the cap off of his soju bottle with a smirk. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Yeah?” Taehyung’s cheeks grow rounder with his grin.
Jeongguk nods. “I remember, when we were younger we used to get in a lot of trouble together,” he says, the two of them laughing together.
“We were like partners in crime,” Taehyung beams, grabbing another slice of jamon.
“We had such a special bond…” They each take a sip of their drinks before Jeongguk continues, “you know, a huge part of me changed because of you.”
Taehyung grins at him softly. “Is that so?”
Jeongguk nods, looking down at the fire. “We had similar personalities.”
“You were so shy. I thought it was cute,” Taehyung shares, making the other giggle, “I remember I asked you to speak casually with me because I wanted you to open up more. Do you remember what you said?”
“I said I speak formally with everyone,” he adds. “At the time, it felt the easiest.”
Taehyung throws him a look of understanding as if picking up on the weight of that statement and what it actually means to Jeongguk in the context of their relationship.
“I still got through to you though,” Taehyung jokes.
Jeongguk chuckles, resting his cheek in his palm. “It was more than just speaking casually,” he starts, “it was… your innocence. Your pure heart… you helped me live through the childhood I’d lost before and after we debuted. Even if it was just a glimpse of what I missed out on, I cherished it all even to this day. That’s why I feel the most comfortable around you. I believe that’s how you changed me.”
He pauses, taking in Taehyung’s wide and imploring eyes. His undivided attention laid upon him, listening attentively. “In this empire of an industry we’re wrapped up in, you showed me it was okay to be a kid again.”
“I had no idea you felt that way…” Taehyung admits in a tone barely above a whisper, staring at the younger boy in complete awe and adoration.
Jeongguk smirks. “That was kind of the point,” he jokes lightheartedly.
“Well, you certainly fooled me. I won’t forget the time you said you were more of a hyung than I was.”
Jeongguk shakes his head shyly, cheeks getting warm. “No, no!”
Taehyung teases him some more, making the poor boy hide his giggling face in his hands.
They go on for a while like that. Lighthearted anecdotes reminiscing about old memories, nostalgia and fondness filling their hearts. But as they went on about their past, their lovable teenage years, there was something left unspoken. A hole in their story that they managed to dance around for a majority of the night, a hole that had been on Taehyung’s mind since the first day of this trip.
“Jeonggukssi…” Taehyung breathes, setting down his bottle of soju next to the fire. He reaches behind himself, finding the mic box strapped to his pants and turns it off as the younger boy watches him intently. “Why do you think that we… we couldn’t work the first time?”
Jeongguk’s eyes fall to the dimming flames in front of him, the remaining heat that emanates falling straight to his core as he avoids the elder’s gaze. He knew this was coming and he sighs defeatedly for not preparing himself emotionally.
The boy shrugs, biting his lip. “I don’t know…” he admits before adding the last log to the fire, “do you?”
“Do you think it was because of ourselves?” Taehyung asks softly, gaze falling as well while swirling the remaining liquid around in his bottle of soju. “Because we stopped loving each other?”
Jeongguk shakes his head immediately, jaw clenched. “No,” he says firmly before catching Taehyung’s gaze to his own, taking a deep breath before turning off his own mic, “I never stopped loving you.”
Taehyung lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Me either,” he confesses as the light from the brightening flames shine in his glossy eyes.
“Really?” The younger asks, hating the way his voice cracks.
Taehyung blinks slowly, swallowing nervously. He nods a firm nod, small and barely noticeable, but it assures the younger. “So why didn’t we work out?” He asks, voice trembling, “if it wasn’t us, who was it?”
It breaks Jeongguk’s heart hearing Taehyung speak like this, pleading for closure. “Pressure…” is all Jeongguk can mutter, concentrating on keeping his own voice as stable as possible.
He finished his drink ages ago, nothing left to distract him but the twiddling thumbs in his lap. “We were pressured from all sides, including ourselves, to be… someone we’re not…” he continues, “a lot of different personas fell onto our shoulders at once. To be the perfect idol, artist, employee, friend… and lover… and they all had to be separate from one another.”
“I think, with all that pressure, our personas couldn’t handle the weight and collapsed on themselves, making it impossible for us to separate them. So we abandoned them altogether and made new ones. But we had to sacrifice a few.”
“Which one’s have you sorted out so far?” Taehyung asks.
“Artist… idol…” Jeongguk holds back a sheepish smile, “I’m still working on friend.”
Taehyung shrugs, loosening up his posture again before sitting back in his chair. “You’re doing pretty well as a friend these days,” he assures lightheartedly.
Jeongguk giggles, head falling with a shy smile. “Thanks. I’m no 5 star employee though.”
“Why is that?”
“You know why…”
Taehyung hums in understanding, taking one last sip from his soju, before tossing the empty bottle to the side. “I’ve never been a good employee… which kinda explains a lot…”
“Oh, does it?” Jeongguk teases through a chuckle.
The elder rolls his eyes. “I never wanted to be one anyway. There are more important things to be… like a lover.”
“You were a great lover,” Jeongguk confesses through a blush.
Taehyung breaks out into a smile, “yeah?” Jeongguk nods. “We never really labelled what we were at the time... dating or anything like that. Were we lovers, Jeonggukssi?”
Jeongguk takes a moment to think, staring into the crackling fire. “We almost were,” he admits.
“Ah…” Taehyung sighs and leans back in his chair, “I hate almost.”
“Things were safer when we were ‘almost’,” the younger says, “but it was still just as painful…”
“Probably even more so,” Taehyung adds, nodding in agreement.
They share a look, briefly locking eyes as they realize the pain they had to go through on their own. Pain that was inflicted by their own actions and it has them both holding back tears at the thought, a lump of sobs caught in the back of their throats.
Taehyung shuts his eyes and swallows it down as Jeongguk pulls his bucket hat down to slightly cover his eyes, jaw clenched.
“Are we friends?” Taehyung asks softly. “Or are we almost friends, Jeongguk?”
Jeongguk looks at him confused, head tilted to one side.
“I don’t ever want us to be ‘almost’ again, okay?” Taehyung says as his voice begins to waver.
The younger nods with wide eyes that slowly become glossy, reflecting the flames of the dim fire in front of him. “Me too,” he admits.
“Jeonggukssi…” the elder breathes, “are we friends?”
Something stirs inside of Jeongguk as he briefly thinks about answering with “yes” and finding regret tied to the word. He knows his next answer should reflect what he wants and just a friendship with the love of his life is not it.
“Is that what you want?” Jeongguk asks with hope laced in his tone, “to be friends?”
Friends. He says it like the feeling of poking at a fire. All too carefully and afraid of how it can hurt you. And as the fire in front of them begins to die, the more Taehyung realizes how fickle a friendship between them will inevitably become.
“Jeonggukssi,” he starts, leaning forward with more determination, “if we become friends, then I have to live the rest of my life only ever knowing that we were almost lovers and nothing more. And I don’t think I can live that way. I can’t go on knowing I played an ‘almost’ role in your life.”
Taehyung gulps. “So, if you would have me, I want us to be together… officially… unapologetically… and completely. And I won’t stop fighting for us.” Jeongguk’s heart swells. “I love you. Will you give us one more chance and be mine?”
Jeongguk bites his lip, staring up into Taehyung’s eyes expecting his heart to stutter and his chest to fill with butterflies. But, to his surprise, he feels calm. He feels comfortable and safe, like he belongs in this moment. Like he was always meant to be here and his chest fills with pure happiness. “Yes,” he answers confidently, his eyes glistening with aegyo sal before the joy can reach his smile.
They let the fire die out in its own as the camera crew a few yards away shout. “Camera’s off in ten!”
The two boys share a look realizing how late it’s gotten and that their night alone together is slowly coming to an end. So Jeongguk prolongs it as far as possible. “Stay with me tonight?” He asks.
Taehyung bites his lip with a moment of comprehension before nodding with certainty.
They snuck off to the floating house quickly. Neither of them expect much to come out of this sleepover, but still they felt an overwhelming sense of joy and excitement out of finally being able to hold each other as they officially belong to each other.
When they got to Jeongguk’s room, it wasn’t a heat of a passion or hunger to taste each other like the dramas would have you believe what happened. All they did was talk. About their struggles, their interests, their passions, and what they want for the future.
Eventually they talked until they laid in Jeongguk’s small heated mattress tucked under his covers and snug in each other’s embrace. Facing each other as they lay on their sides whispering the night away in low and raspy and sleep deprived voices. The hum of their timbre lulling them into a serene state of peace.
Jeongguk smiles, staring at Taehyung’s hooded and tired eyes and his pouty lips. He runs his hands through the elder’s hair, soothing circles with his thumb against his temple.
Taehyung hums wordlessly satisfied. “If you keep doing that I’ll fall asleep…” he lisps.
“So sleep,” Jeongguk giggles softly.
The elder takes Jeongguk’s hand out from his hair and laces his fingers with his, bringing their entwined hands to his chest. He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, letting the younger feel his chest expand and his heart beat.
“When we leave from this trip, it’s gonna get harder for us,” Taehyung sighs.
“Yeah, I know…” Jeongguk exhales, burying his face deeper into his pillow.
“But… the signs that you send me… they make it a lot easier.”
The signs. When Jeongguk would sign “I love you” to him and he would send it back and when they’d lock it with a promise. It seems they’ve kept their promise all this time.
“I feel the same way,” Jeongguk agrees.
Taehyung thinks about it harder. How for the longest time it was “I promise I love you” and he thinks they don’t need to promise anymore. So, off the top of his head he lets go of Jeongguk’s hand and signs “I love you” then points to sky in a circle.
Jeongguk smiles. “What’s that?”
“I love you, always and forever,” Taehyung explains before taking back Jeongguk’s hand in his own.
In response, the younger boy brings their entwined hands to his mouth and kisses the back of Taehyung’s palm. He then holds them to his own heart, letting the elder feel how his heart beats for him.
“I like that one,” Jeongguk comments, making Taehyung blush.
Taehyung adjusts his head on the pillow, cutely squishing his cheek into the plushness further. “I just want you to know, when things are getting difficult… you don’t have to go through them alone anymore. Okay?”
Jeongguk nods. “Of course, hyung,” he says.
“We’re in this together. I’m with you.”
“I’m with you too.” He whispers with a smile and a glint in his eyes.
They went to sleep that night with a new sense of peace over their hearts and the remaining days of their trip were spent with a comfort they’d been longing for. They came here with a purpose to heal, and truly, Jeongguk felt that was just an expression. No one can just heal themselves by being in a forest. But as he stood by Taehyung’s smiling face on their last night shooting fireworks into the sparkly sky, he was happy to be proven wrong.
He knew their days in the coming future were going to be far from the dreamlike fairytale of this place, if they even filmed a second season for this time of healing, the things that aligned for him and his first love to be sleeping next to each other for their last night on the trip could never be replicated nor could it be measured.
Their love has become something to protect, to fight for, to live happier for. No matter the cost, the consequences, or the suffering, if it ends with Jeongguk freely showing his mad love for the man who embraced him when he was nothing, nothing could ever be quite as valuable.