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Marinette felt like she couldn't breathe as she jumped onto her balcony from the streets of Paris, not even bothering to be careful as she murmured her de-transformation words.
If she couldn't speak with Chat Noir, she needed to talk to Tikki.
The teenager curled her legs up to her chest and buried her face in her knees, making no noise except for the almost inaudible sniffles that she couldn't hold back. Tikki appeared in front of her, a look of great concern painting onto her small face the instant she understood the situation.
"Marinette," she whispered, finding a spot to perch on her arm, "What happened?"
Marinette lifted her head slowly and took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts and calm the weight growing heavy in her chest. "I messed up, Tikki. I messed up really bad."
With a nod of acknowledgment, the red kwami could feel the shame radiating off of her owner. "Do you want to talk about it?" Tikki asked, very worried and genuinely curious about this situation.
It didn't take any time for Marinette to nod and prepare to explain, forcing the tears from coming back the second that she spoke. "I choked. Chat Noir told me that he loved me and I promised myself that I would say it back but I choked and I hurt him. I think I hurt him really bad, Tikki, and I don't know what to do."
Tikki looked taken aback by this newfound information, trying to figure out what she might do if she were in a similar situation. But, as a creature that still had very little experience with humans, let alone human emotions, she realized that she may not have any idea how to help at all. So, as any good friend might, Tikki tried to get a more in-depth explanation.
"Take a deep breath, Marinette, we'll figure something out. I just don't quite understand, do you love Chat Noir too? I thought you said that you were moving on from him."
Marinette gave Tikki the smallest smile, "I thought that I was, but then he came to visit me last week when I was sick, and he's so easy to talk to, and the more time I spent with him the more I realized how much he meant to me." She stared at the moon and tried to convince herself that all of this was just a dream. A very, very, bad dream. Unluckily for her, it wasn't. Nothing could ever be that easy. Yet, thinking about him, even now, in the midst of all of this chaos and pain and guilt, she felt her heart warm in her chest. "I think I do love him," she said, very quietly, "And when he told me, I felt like the happiest person in the entire world until I thought about how much I could hurt him. I don't know what I would do if I lost him, Tikki, so I left and I definitely hurt him a million times worse. Now he hates me. I'm certain of it."
The kwami tried to imagine the pain Marinette was going through. Humans are so strange, Tikki thought. She wondered if there was a way to prove that her owner's fears would never come true, that she could reveal her identity and fight side-by-side with the love of her life without anyone getting hurt. That Chat Blanc could be avoided. That the world wouldn't collapse if she let herself be happy.
She had wanted to tell her at the right time.
But was there ever going to be a 'right time'?
Maybe she should let this play out on it's on for a bit.
Marinette stood up and walked up to the front of her balcony, leaning on the railings. Perhaps if stared at the stars and focused on other things, like school, or her friends, or the bakery, maybe she could numb the excruciating regret she felt streaming through her blood. Maybe she could just ignore it all entirely.
"Am I being selfish?" She finally asked her loyal kwami, who was having a moment of her own, actively trying to find a solution for Paris' broken crime-fighting duo. Tikki gave her a look and Marinette shook her head. "No, never mind, don't answer that. I know that I am. In fact, for someone who prides herself on being very generous, I'm actually really fucking selfish. I had a chance to make myself happier than I might have ever been and I talked myself out of it just in case I might do something stupid in the future and I absolutely broke his heart in the process. I scared myself into doing something worse. He loves--, no, he loved me," she corrected, not noticing the faint shuffling coming from behind her, "And until that very moment I would have -without a doubt- told him that I loved him too, but I guess that's what it's like, right? Superhero Partner A falls in love with Superhero Partner B and she doesn't figure that out until she decides that she loves him herself only to run away and hide when things get real. I'm honestly surprised that anyone could ever fall for someone that stubborn and--" Movement. She froze, turning around to find a quiet black cat sitting on the roof of the bakery, looking at her with amusement faint on his face. "--oblivious." she finished, mostly to herself before the panic started to creep in.
Marinette considered shoving Tikki into her pocket, but even if he had approached her balcony a mere second ago he still would have heard her pretty much confirming her identity to anyone close enough to listen. "Merde," she cursed under her breath, trying to convince herself not to run into his arms and cry. Just looking at him made her heart light up and sink at the same time. She then very seriously contemplated jumping off of the building.
"It seems that I've stumbled into a very interesting development, I'm not sure how to get out of this now," he said, looking at her and the unmistakable kwami floating next to her with satisfaction lighting up in her eyes. Tikki thought this was a very convenient turn of events.
"Surprise?" Marinette said, a thousand emotions flooding through her at once. She watched Tikki fly through the trapdoor absently, afraid to look at him.
Chat Noir thought for a moment about how happy he felt. Marinette was Ladybug. The only other person that he'd do anything for. The girl that was always there for him, no matter what. It made too much sense. All of the jokes and the disappearances and the fact that he always felt drawn to her. Whatever the situation may have been, he found himself by Marinette's side, one way or another, every time. It was her. He'd fallen in love with the same girl twice.
But she was sad. She'd decided that everything was her fault. Wasn't it him who told her he loved her out of the blue? If anything, he was to blame.
With cat-like grace, he jumped down onto the balcony and pulled her into his arms as quickly as he could. One hand was on her head and the other was gently wrapped around her waist.
Marinette was shocked by the action at first, as she was certain that he was absolutely furious at her, but the second that he touched her she knew that he wasn't, and for some reason that made her hurt more. Not only had she devastated him, she saw it in the way he looked at her as she left, but he had come back to her without a shred of resentment. He only wanted to make sure that she was okay. That's just how he is, she thought before she started crying again, this time into Chat Noir's chest. Someone I don't deserve. She hugged him back.
"I'm sorry," Marinette whispered through silent tears, "I'm so sorry." She lifted her head to look at him, the fluffy blondness of his hair and the emotion in his eyes. "I was stupid, and I didn't even explain myself. I just left. No one deserves that, kitty, but especially not you."
Chat Noir stopped touching her hair and took her hand into his instead, "I was never mad at you, Marinette, I never should have told you like that, it was immature and foolish and I didn't consider how big of a deal it actually was. I'm not very good at this." He brushed his thumb over her hand, looking at it.
She lowered her head, feeling the next wave of guilt hit her like a ton of bricks. "But I meant to say it back," she said, "I wanted to say it back," she said quieter. This information still shocked him, even after overhearing her say it earlier. Was it that ridiculous to know someone loved him? Thousands of girls in Paris would do anything to tell him that they loved him to his face, but something about it coming from Marinette, his lady, his best friend, made it real. It made the idea practically unbelievable.
He looked at her, really looked at her, and the idea that she loved him even a portion of the amount that he loved her made him so happy that he thought he might explode. Their eyes met and she felt like her knees might give out. She didn't notice how close he was before, but she felt it now, the heat of him in front of her, the butterflies in her stomach. It almost annoyed her that she loved to be around him so much, it was like his presence changed her. She could be having the worst day of her life and if he held her hand she'd suddenly forget that anything had ever upset her before. He radiated a comfort that was so warm and so perfect that she decided, right there, that there was no other place she'd rather be. All that she wanted was him, and as much as the thought scared her, she knew that she had never felt so certain of anything else in her life, and that made it alright.
The air between them was tight, still, and she couldn't explain how badly she wanted to kiss him, but she didn't have to, because he tilted her chin up just enough so their lips were less than a breath apart, and when she leaned in to kiss him he met her halfway. To her, everything was in perfect slow motion, and to him, the world was brighter than it had ever been before. Everything else disappeared.
Marinette felt him brush her hair out of her face and shivered at the way their noses touched. Even though every part of her was saying that this was wrong and dangerous and naive, everything had gone wrong anyway. He fell for her, she fell for him, and he discovered her secret identity. If anyone deserved anything, it was them, and even if the world fell apart, just for a moment, Marinette was going to be happy.
That confidence lasted five seconds.
She barely pulled away from him, leaving only an inch of space between them. Chat Noir was immediately disappointed at the distance and looked at her like she was the only person to ever exist. "I'm so sorry," she said, voice cracking. "I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I thought that I was being careful and smart but it was the stupidest thing I've ever done and I don't—" Marinette paused, biting her lip and letting go of his hand. "I don't deserve you." He stopped breathing for a second. "Wait, what? Marinette, if anything, I don't deserve you." She shook her head, "I couldn't even look you in the eyes and tell you that I loved you," she whispered.
Chat Noir took her hand again, squeezing it softly. "So do it now."
"Do what now?"
"Tell me that you love me, that way everything can be forgiven."
A light blush spread on her cheeks and she met his eyes, it wasn't a bad idea. The words spun in her head.
"I love you," she blurted, no more hesitation. It worked in her favor.
Tilting his head playfully, he smiled, she liked his smile, it was a good smile. "See? Easy." She liked his voice too.
Marinette bit her lip, holding back a laugh. "You're the worst," she said, ignoring how much she disagreed with her own statement, and pulled him into a hug this time. She wanted to hug him forever.
He hugged her back tightly, nestling his face in her hair, "I love you too."