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The music was bumping, the bass filling Kuroo’s chest. He loved the party scene, and though Kenma wasn’t much of an extrovert, he liked spending time with Kuroo, which led him to going to a lot of parties.
This one in particular was pretty lively, the whole building was full of people and every surface was littered with cups, full and empty. Kuroo turned back to Kenma, who was wrinkling his nose, probably at the weed smoke that was hanging heavy in the air. “So, who do you know here?” Kuroo leaned in to hear his response.
“Keiji, from my introductory psychology class.”
They kept walking until through the halls until they found a dorm that was the thickest with smoke. Kenma, surprisingly, went in first. “Keiji is a pothead, so he’s definitely in here.”
Walking into the room was like walking into a sauna. It was at least ten degrees hotter in the room than it was in the hallway, and Kuroo’s eyes burned even more than they already did.
They stopped and surveyed the room. There were only about ten people in it, but the haze made it hard to see. Soon, Kenma seemed to spot someone and went toward the bed on the right side of the room and sat down lightly in the open space between a dark haired man and a man with pink hair.
That left Kuroo to the spot on the other side of the dark haired man — he guessed it was Keiji — and next to a man who was, Kuroo realized, very extremely hot.
He had the weirdest hair he’d ever seen, black and white and sticking up with probably a whole tub of gel, and he was built like a truck. Kuroo was fit, but he was lean. This guy could probably bench press Kuroo.
Kuroo tried not to stare as he sat down in between Keiji and the other guy. But the guy turned to him as soon as he sat down.
“Hey, I’m Bokuto, what’s your name?” Bokuto stuck out his hand in a fist bump motion. His eyes were like molten gold.
“Kuroo.” He fist bumped Bokuto and turned away, maybe to talk to Kenma, because he couldn’t handle looking at Bokuto’s face. He would probably do something he regretted.
See, Kuroo was pretty sure he was gay. Or bisexual, at least. But he couldn’t be, because he was a star athlete at a prestigious school in Tokyo, which meant he needed arm candy. He needed arm candy of the opposite gender. Bokuto was, as far as he knew, a man.
Plus, if you’ve ever been in a locker room with a bunch of hockey players, you would be scared to be gay, too.
He couldn’t fuck this up.
Bokuto handed him a joint and though he preferred drinking to smoking, he took a hit and tried to hold back his coughs. Handing it back to Bokuto, he inhaled to get the smoke into his lungs and then exhaled.
“You work out? I can’t help but notice those guns,” Bokuto said, flexing his own arm to emphasize.
“Uh, I’m on the hockey team.” He neglected to mention that he went to the gym every other day.
“I’m on the American football team.”
“That’s why you’re so—” Kuroo cut himself off.
“What?” His owl-like eyebrows furrowed together. He took a hit.
Fuck it. “Buff. What position did you play?”
“Linebacker, of course. I wanted to be quarterback but there were better runners on the team.”
Kuroo took the joint as it was handed to him and smoked it until it was gone. The familiar feeling of being high out of his mind came to him, and his limbs were looser, his breathing shallower and his head in the clouds. He felt great.
Bokuto was similarly relaxed. Both men had their heads tilted back, looking at the smoke curling in the air around the room. Bokuto laid down and pulled at Kuroo’s sleeve, pulling him down beside him.
“You’re cool,” Bokuto said. He was looking up at the ceiling still, but Kuroo was trying his hardest to will Bokuto to look his way. “Like, I’ve never met someone so cool.”
“You’re cool, too.”
Bokuto turned his head with a big smile and said, “Really?” but Kuroo was too focused on his eyes to hear anything. The room seemed to go quiet as he looked into Bokuto’s bloodshot eyes. They were glowing with childlike glee, the corners crinkled. Kuroo wanted to touch the bunched skin, but he wasn’t that high yet. Instead, he nodded, confirming that he thought Bokuto was cool, too.
“Aw, bro, you’re so awesome!”
“You’re more awesome.” Saying that would make Bokuto happy for sure.
“Awww,” Bokuto said, punching Kuroo in the arm with way too much force. It pushed a laugh out of Kuroo, which made Kenma turn to the two of them.
“You look like you’re having fun,” Kenma said with a wry smile, which told Kuroo he was also smoking. “No wonder, though. You and Bokuto are perfect for each other.”
Kuroo blushed, but the room was dark enough that he was sure no one noticed. He turned back to Bokuto and saw that he was smiling, a little dazed.
They talked for a while before Bokuto visibly lit up. An idea had popped into his head. “Kuroo!”
“Yeah?”
“You should come see my dorm!”
Bokuto didn’t give him time to think as he stood and pulled Kuroo up with him, starting to walk immediately. He pulled Kuroo along with him down the hall, not letting go of his wrist as he weaved through the crowd of people, until he stopped in front of a dorm at the end of the hall. Bokuto turned back to Kuroo and said, “Close your eyes.”
Kuroo’s thoughts immediately made him panic. But Bokuto just wanted to show him his room with an element of surprise. He closed his eyes and held out his hand for Bokuto to hold. Immediately there was a warm, calloused hand in his own and there was the sound of the dorm door opening.
“Okay, you can open your eyes,” Bokuto said.
Kuroo looked around the room. The walls were covered in posters of various football players, the only one of which Kuroo recognized being Tom Brady. The desk in the corner was littered with papers and stationery, and there was even a stuffed polar bear on the bed on the right side of the room.
“You like it?”
“Yeah, man, it’s so… real,” Kuroo said, not knowing exactly what he meant. It seemed to please Bokuto, though, and he lit up with a smile.
“Wait here!” Bokuto pulled on Kuroo’s wrist until he sat on the bed with the polar bear and closed the door to his dorm before rifling through the desk drawers. He came up moments later with a small bottle of liquor. “You were trying not to cough. I don’t have water but it’s a party so you might as well drink tequila!”
Kuroo took the bottle and downed it in one go, trying to decide if he wanted the door open or for it to stay closed. Bokuto sat down beside him and laid back similar to how he was in the other dorm, and with nothing else to do, Kuroo mirrored him. He threw the bottle of tequila into the bed on the opposite side of the room, which was made with the university-issued blankets, and looked over to Bokuto.
He was already looking back at Kuroo. Before he could think, Kuroo leaned forward and kissed him. It only lasted a couple of seconds, lips on lips, but Kuroo’s chest exploded in light.
When he pulled back, Bokuto was smiling. “Liquid courage hits fast, doesn’t it?”
Kuroo sat up, his stomach turning. “Oh, fuck,” he mumbled, and he saw Bokuto sit up with him, but he couldn’t hear anything he said.
He wasn’t supposed to do that, he couldn’t kiss boys no matter how high he was. What if someone saw? The door to the dorm was closed but who knew what would’ve happened if the two of them hadn’t left? He could’ve kissed Bokuto in front of everyone.
Bokuto pulled him into a tight hug and told him to calm the fuck down . “I don’t know why you’re freaking out, I wanted you to kiss me.”
“I can’t be gay, that’s why!” Kuroo was hyperventilating now, but he couldn’t get rid of Bokuto’s arms surrounding him, stroking his back, and his voice in his ear was pounding on his skull.
“Listen, it was one kiss, it means nothing, okay? You’re high, you can just forget about it.” If Kuroo wasn’t too busy panicking, he would’ve heard the hurting edge to Bokuto’s voice.
“Just— let go of me, please,” Kuroo said, and Bokuto let go immediately. He watched as Kuroo got up from the bed and started pacing, hands on his head, trying to calm down.
It took a minute for him to get his breathing under control, and after it was all over, he was exhausted. He sat back down on the bed opposite Bokuto, his head hanging, and just breathed.
“Can I come over?” Bokuto asked after a few minutes of silence. Kuroo looked up at him with heavy-lidded eyes and though he didn’t really want it, he nodded. Bokuto crossed the room and sat down beside Kuroo without touching him, and turned to face him. “Kuroo, are you okay now?”
“Yeah,” he said after a moment of hesitation. He rubbed his face with his hand and scraped it through his hair. “I’m sorry, Bokuto, but I can’t do this with you.”
“Why not?” There was nothing demanding about his question, he just wanted to know why.
“Because if anyone on my team finds out, they’ll probably end up killing me. Or I’ll get kicked off the team. They’re not exactly very accepting.” He couldn’t look at Bokuto.
“Why are you on the team, then? If you can’t be yourself, why do you do it?” Bokuto laid a hand on Kuroo’s shoulder, rubbing circles with his thumb.
“Because what else am I if not a hockey player?”
“Kuroo, you have to think more of yourself than that.” Bokuto touched Kuroo’s cheek, making him turn to face him, finally. “Come on, what do you like to do other than hockey? Other than sports?”
“I don’t know,” Kuroo said. “I’m an athlete and that’s all.”
“I know you’re more than that.”
Kuroo couldn’t meet Bokuto’s eyes. “I… I like hanging out with Kenma.”
“Kenma is the blondie?”
“Yeah. He’s been my best friend since I moved to Tokyo.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Thirteen years, I think.”
“Do you need me to get Kenma for you?”
“Yeah, please.”
So Bokuto left the room and the noise from the party filtered in through the door. Kuroo put his head in his hands and mentally berated himself. How could he be so careless?
Kenma walked in and Kuroo felt like crying. He stood and walked into Kenma’s open arms, he didn’t stop to realise how unusual it was for him to initiate touching.
“I’m sorry,” Kuroo said into Kenma’s hair.
“Should I leave?” Bokuto asked from just inside the door. Kuroo took a second before shaking his head no. Bokuto closed the door behind him and sat down on his own bed. Kuroo and Kenma were still hugging in the middle of the dorm.
“I kissed him.”
Kenma only held on tighter. “Why?”
“Because I’m gay.”
“You like Bokuto?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never kissed a guy.”
“Why did you have a panic attack?”
“Because what if my team finds out?”
“I’ve been telling you to quit the team. Everyone on it is awful.”
Kuroo pulled back and looked Kenma in the eye. “I don’t know what to do if I’m not playing hockey.”
“You can be happy. You can see where things go with Bokuto.”
“I’m scared,” Kuroo said, and he wasn’t lying. He was terrified, both of his team finding out who he is, and of quitting the team and not having anything to do with himself.
“Sometimes, fear will lead to better things.”
Tears were gathered in the corners of his eyes. He wiped them away before they could fall and squeezed Kenma tight before letting go. He turned to Bokuto, who was watching silently.
“I’m sorry, Bokuto, but I think I need time. You seem like a great guy, but I’m not ready to be… to accept myself.”
-
Turned out, “time” was a year. Kuroo spent that time searching for a new hockey team, joining Kenma at his video game conventions and studying his ass off. He didn’t kiss a single boy after Bokuto.
When they met again, it was at an izakaya.
Kenma and Kuroo were out with a few friends from their high school when Bokuto and his football team filed in. They were obviously celebrating a win as they were loud and lively, but when Bokuto looked around and caught sight of Kuroo, he stopped dead in his tracks.
“Kuroo! Can I come over?” He seemed uncertain but when Kuroo got up from the tatami mat and walked over, his smile only got wider.
“Nice to see you,” Kuroo said, pulling him into a short hug. Bokuto hesitated before enveloping Kuroo in his strong arms.
“My team just won a game,” Bokuto said. “Against Gurētomēpuru, they’re a powerhouse.”
“No way, that’s awesome!” Kuroo clapped Bokuto on the back and pulled away from the hug, letting Bokuto step back.
“Well, I gotta get back to my team.”
Kuroo didn’t want him to leave, but he watched as Bokuto waved to Kenma and walked back to his team. They were waiting for him and a few of them patted him on the shoulder, making noise like he accomplished something.
The team sat on the opposite side of the izakaya and Kuroo couldn’t see Bokuto unless he stood. He should probably be grateful for that, but he wasn’t. He wanted to be near him. After a year, he still missed Bokuto.
Kenma and Kuroo drank until their stomachs sloshed, ate until they were full. It was nearing midnight when they and the group finally got up to leave.
Bokuto’s group was still eating, but once Kuroo got up, they locked eyes and Bokuto stood. Kuroo mumbled an excuse to Kenma, who had a small smile on his face, and walked toward the door, motioning for Bokuto to follow him.
Leaving the izakaya, the cold November air entered Kuroo’s lungs and sobered him up a bit. Sobered him enough to make him nervous. He knew there were plenty of people around, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop as he walked around the building into the darkness of the alleyway.
He stood for thirty seconds alone before a figure appeared at the mouth of the alley. Automatically, Kuroo knew it was Bokuto because of the hair sticking up straight to the sky. He breathed a sigh of relief; it was a possibility that he wouldn’t have followed.
“Hey,” Kuroo said. He pushed off the wall and walked over to Bokuto.
“Long time, no see.”
He got pulled into another hug, but this time he really cherished it. He pulled Bokuto close, wrapping one arm around his back and the other into his hair, and Bokuto was similarly entwined into him. Kuroo felt the odd pricking in his eyes. He blinked to keep from crying. “I missed you, Bokuto,” he said into the space between his neck and shoulder.
“Kuroo, man, I missed you so much. You were…” Bokuto trailed off. Kuroo didn’t want to pull back so he clung even harder to him, urging him to say whatever he needed to say.
“What? Tell me.”
“You were the first person I ever kissed.”
“Oh, fuck,” Kuroo said in a strangled voice. He pushed his forehead into Bokuto’s shoulder, letting a few tears slip out. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that to you—”
“Kuroo, it’s fine, you were the first person to ever see me as a person, not just an athlete to hook up with.”
“I wanted to kiss you so bad when I saw you,” Kuroo said, thinking back to the night they met. “Your eyes, man, they were killing me.”
“I want to kiss you, Kuroo. Can I?” Bokuto pulled back and Kuroo’s face was uncovered, the tears slipping down his cheeks.
“Please.”
And so Bokuto pulled him in, pressed their lips together sweetly. It tasted of salt and sake, and though their lips were chapped, it was the softest touch Kuroo had ever felt.
They both pulled back and leaned their foreheads together, breathing in each other’s air. “I only want to do this if you’re okay with it.”
“I am. I’ve worked on myself, I quit the hockey team, I surround myself with supportive people. I came out to one of my friends, other than Kenma, aren’t you proud of me?” Kuroo was smiling. He wanted so badly to just sit with Bokuto and be.
Bokuto kissed him again, this time with more emotion, and pulled back with a blinding grin. “I liked you so much.”
“I wish I wasn’t so stupid back then, we could’ve been together for a whole year,” Kuroo said.
“I want to be. Together, I mean. If that’s alright?”
“Yes, it’s definitely alright with me.” He wiped the tears away and pulled Bokuto into another hug, and that’s how both Bokuto and Kuroo’s groups found them.
“Hey, Kuroo, we’re leaving, are you coming?” Kenma said from the mouth of the alley. Kuroo couldn’t make out the expression on his face but he guessed it would be a little dopey smile. Kenma was proud of Kuroo and he made sure he knew it.
He looked over at Bokuto and confirmed what he was thinking. “No, I think I’m staying with Bokuto.”
The football team made a big ruckus about congratulating Bokuto. They were obviously a lot more supportive than Kuroo’s old hockey team. It made him happy to know that Bokuto had such good friends.
“Come on, my dorm building’s right around the corner.”
Bokuto and Kuroo walked to the small brick building with their hands linked. They were both still a bit drunk, so they stayed far from the road on the sidewalk, stopping when they felt dizzy.
Entering Bokuto’s dorm was like stepping into a memory. He really wanted to revel in the familiarity of it, but he was exhausted.
“Let’s go to sleep, okay?”
“In my bed, or do you want the luxurious guest bed?”
Kuroo didn’t have to think for long before saying, “In yours.”
They both stripped down to their underwear and got into the bed, too drunk to change into pajamas. Bokuto was behind Kuroo, holding him tight across his chest. Kuroo cuddled back into him and let out a breath. He felt perfect here.
“Thank you, Bokuto, for waiting for me.”