Archive of Our Own

Jaemin wakes up to a sterilized scent, a cold and dimmed room, and a warm feeling on his left hand. He first takes a look at the place. Aside from the quiet and dull atmosphere, it feels like the room he's in has been holding onto hope. Of course , he thinks to himself, smiling. People do cling onto their lives in a hospital after all.

He then shifts his gaze to his left hand, wondering why it was warm, only to see a boy with light colored hair holding onto it with both of his hands.

Oh? And who could this be? He thinks to himself.

Jaemin tries to get a closer look at the boy, but fails as soon as he tries to sit up.

Huh? Why can't I move?

It takes him about five seconds before he starts to panic, realizing he doesn't have any control over his own body. Weak, heavy, sensitive. He could feel how the cold air that brushes his skin and hair feels like Christmas, how the warmth on his left hand feels like the sunlight piercing through the vast clouds on a chilly day, and how the sound of the air conditioner feels like a secret is being whispered into his ears.

Please... move...

To be honest, Jaemin doesn't even know why he's in a rush to move. All he knows is he's lost and helpless, and staying still is definitely not helping him.

Why am I even here?

Is that a cast on my leg?!

What the fuck happened?!

Who is this guy and why is he holding my hand?

Yup, he's definitely lost and helpless.

In the hopes of controlling his body, Jaemin gathers all the strength he has to move at least one of his fingers. And he did, he successfully moved one of his fingers. But sadly, it wasn't enough to wake up the boy beside him.

Come on... come on... please wake up...

Jaemin kept moving his thumb, softly caressing the boy's hands. Then freezes when the boy slightly moves his head closer, facing him and snuggling closer onto their hands. This time, Jaemin lets the boy beside him be. He doesn't know why, but he feels like the boy beside him has been staying with him until he wakes up.

He stares at the boy's face for a moment, trying to examine the boy's features - sooner noticing how the boy has small eyes, a tall nose, small but plump lips, and how he cutely resembles a chick.

A minute later, the boy's grip suddenly tightens. "Hyung..." he whispers, eyebrows furrowing and eyes tightly shut in distress. It was barely audible, but the room was quiet enough for Jaemin to hear it. I'm here , he tries to tell the boy. Again, Jaemin surprised himself. He was so sure that his mouth moved, but why didn't he hear his voice? He tries to speak again, and again, and again.

Fuck! So I can't speak either?!

Because of his inability to speak, Jaemin tries to move his thumb again, for the boy's sake this time. The boy's eyebrows slowly grow apart, his grip eases up too. This made Jaemin breathe a sigh of relief as he kept caressing the boy's hands, trying to give him a sense of comfort.

The silence wasn't lonely, it was comforting actually. Maybe it was just because of the warmth he felt on his left hand; maybe because there was someone keeping him company - there was someone waiting for him. Jaemin glances at the boy again, and no matter how hard he tries to remember who the boy is, he can't.

Jaemin stared at the ceiling, trying to recall what could've happened that made him end up in a hospital.

If I have a cast on my leg, then I probably got into an accident, right?

Wait. What if I just fell and got myself hurt?

What was I doing before I got here?

Hm... come on. Think!

...

Nothing! Ugh, I'm hopeless.

Why can't I remember anything...

"Jaemin hyung?"

Jaemin flinches as soon as he hears his name. He turns his gaze again to the boy, who is now awake, with an unsure expression. "You're really awake," the boy whispers to himself, still in shock with his eyes wide open. "You're awake, right? Oh my god, you're awake!" the boy adds, eyes sparkling and his smile reaching his eyes. Jaemin didn't know what to do but to give the boy a shy smile.

In a split of a second, the boy jumps onto his arms. It was tight and warm, a bit surprising but comforting. "Don't scare me like that again! I really thought you were going to sleep forever," the boy sniffles. Jaemin hugs the boy back, still confused but caressing the boy's back as he cries his heart out. Sleep forever? How long was I out? Jaemin thinks to himself.

A few minutes later, silence falls onto the room once again. Only the sounds of the air conditioner, beeping from the monitor, and the boy's light sobs are heard. The light haired boy calms himself down first before he pulls away from their hug, "Wait here, I'll call a doctor." He stands up and walks to the doorway, not totally leaving the room yet, and stares at Jaemin.

"Wait here, okay?"

Jaemin finds it endearing how the boy isn't leaving him without a reply. He tries to give the boy a nod, adding a reassuring smile.

The boy quickly leaves the room and Jaemin is left all alone in his hospital room.

Jaemin once again stares at the ceiling. But this time, he isn't thinking; his mind is blank. The sounds in his room are starting to become smaller and smaller, and as much as Jaemin enjoys the silence, the silence in his now lone room is definitely deafening.

The longer he stares, the more he zones out. He could feel his body floating, it was as if he's being sucked into a different universe. Jaemin doesn't even notice that he's already detaching himself from reality. The blank dull ceiling suddenly twirls, forming new images as loud and roaring cheers replace the ear-splitting silence.

"What a touching performance that was! Up next is the youngest Olympic pair champions! Everyone give a round of applause to Huang Renjun and Lee Jeno!" Loud cheers started to fill the ice rink, some shouting the skaters' names.

Then there they are. The two skaters entered the rink, spotlights pointed at them and the cheers grew even louder. Jaemin locks his eyes on the smaller skater in the rink. He didn't notice it, but his lips were definitely curving when the skater shot a smile at the crowd.

The two skaters skate in the middle as the cheers get smaller and smaller, slowly building up the pressure of the performance. All eyes are now on the skaters who are preparing to perform, their forms clean and sharp as the lights dim. The rink is in complete silence, anticipating what the two skaters prepared and Jaemin could definitely feel the pressure.

The big bright light appeared again as the music starts to play and---

"Mr. Na Jaemin? Are you there?" an unfamiliar voice calls out. Jaemin finally snaps back into reality and sees a young man in a white coat.

The young man's face relaxes, probably because he notices him gaining his consciousness again. Jaemin takes a look at the man in front of him, guessing he's his doctor. Dr. Jaehyun Jeong. Neurologist. Jaemin looks back at his doctor's eyes, trying to speak, but again, failing. "It's alright," he smiles, "You were in a coma for two months. Having trouble talking after waking up is completely normal."

Two months? I was in a coma for two months?

Jaemin didn't notice it, but his face definitely did the talking for him. "Yes. You were in a coma for two months," his doctor answers. "Do you remember anything?" He adds. Jaemin looks down at his hands, wanting to answer a yes, but he couldn't really remember anything.

"Hyung?" Jaemin looks up to the voice, seeing the boy with peachy hue hair. "Do you..." he starts, eyes suddenly trailing elsewhere. "Do you remember me..." he adds, voice now smaller.

Jaemin glances at Dr. Jeong then falls back at the sight of his hands. He takes a deep breath before answering, afraid to break the boy's heart. "Mr. Na Jaemin," his eyes glued to his slender hands, "Please answer honestly."

He closes his eyes, bit his lower lip, and slowly shakes his head.

"Okay," Dr. Jeong starts, "Let's check your vitals first, hm?" Jaemin nods and Dr. Jeong quickly starts to get to work.

Dr. Jeong tries to ask Jaemin yes or no questions first as he checks his vitals, soon filling him in with the details about his condition and what happened. Jaemin was right, he did get into an accident. He was told that he was rushed into the hospital after a car accident, which explains his broken leg and the scar on his head.

According to his friend, he was on his way to do charity work located in a provincial area. They had to go at twilight to arrive there in the morning, putting the risk of an accident happening higher. Since it was still dark and they were on a highway, a truck driver accidently fell asleep and put their lives at stake. Luckily for Jaemin, luck was on his side that day. He was the only survivor in that accident, or at least, the only one who was holding onto life.

Jaemin couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe that he got into an accident two months ago nor the fact that he was supposed to be dead. "You're very lucky, Jaemin," Dr. Jeong finishes up, "It cost you your leg and memory but at least you're alive, right?"

At least you're alive, right?

Jaemin blankly stares at his hands again as Dr. Jeong's figure slowly grows smaller. He feels empty, as if he's living in a stranger's body or like he's stolen a stranger's life. 

The boy from earlier is still in his room, sitting on the couch that was farther from his hospital bed. Jaemin steals a quick glance at the boy, and sees that the boy is blankly staring at the wall. "Hyung..." the boy calls out, eyes still staring at the wall. Jaemin looks at him, waiting for him to finish his sentence. The boy takes a deep breath as he faces him with a smile, "I'm Jisung." 

A minute later, the boy covers his face with his hands. "Why did I do that? He might not even remember me! I probably weirded him out," the boy rambles quietly to himself. Jaemin finds it cute. But quickly feeling a bit sorry, since the people who were around him had to adjust to the 'new' Jaemin. 

Jisung suddenly stands up from his seat, approaching Jaemin with his worried smile. He takes the seat beside him again. "I'm Park Jisung," he introduces himself again with his hand in front of him. 

Jaemin stares at the boy's hand. "Oh, right," the boy reaches for his hand. 

"You're Na Jaemin," the boy says as he shakes their hands. 

Jaemin couldn't help but smile at Jisung's words, he finds it cute how Jisung introduces Na Jaemin to him. 

"Just in case you don't remember your name," he adds, "You're 21 years old and your birthday is on August 13th." 

Jisung tells Jaemin about his life before the accident in the next few hours, thinking that his hyung might have felt lost and confused of his current situation. Jisung told him about their friends, his dream of becoming a surgeon, his hobbies, and what he was like. Even though Jisung reassured him that they'll still be friends even if his memories don't come back, Jaemin didn't want to. 

From the stories Jisung shared, the Jaemin they know of seems like a very nice friend, a very lovely person too. And this makes Jaemin think about who he is right now, that he didn't want a new life or to restart and make new memories with his friends, he didn't want to be the person he is now - he wants to go back to the old Jaemin his friends knew and loved. 

💫

"Ya! Na Jaemin!" A boy with rich glowing skin and chestnut brown hair yells out, face and stance looking like he's about to fight. "Ouch!" He cries. "He doesn't remember us, Hyuck. Don't scare him off," the boy with pale skin and black hair scolds. 

"Jeno hyung! Donghyuck hyung!" Jisung welcomes the two. "You cried when he woke up, didn't you?" The brown haired boy teases. Jaemin can't help but smile as he sees his friends laughing and greeting each other in front of him. 

It's been weeks since Jaemin woke up from his coma, still a little lost of what he should do now but he's getting there. He's been trying to remember how to walk, talk, read, write, and eat again the past week. Luckily, he's a fast learner and easily remembered his past skills. Now, he's trying to recall his past memories and reconnect with his friends. 

"Jaemin hyung," Jisung and the two go up to him, "this is Jeno hyung and Donghyuck hyung." Donghyuck stands beside him and hands him a single rose, "How have you been sleeping beauty? Did you sleep well?"

Jaemin takes the rose, "I slept so well that I forgot everything, so I guess I did." The four of them let out a chuckle, trying to make Jaemin's situation lighter. "You definitely deserved that two months worth of sleep after all the all-nighters you pulled," Jeno jokes. Donghyuck gasps and puts his hand on Jeno's shoulder, "Wait, you're onto something."

They all burst into laughter as Donghyuck tries to explain how fate or karma may have something to do with Jaemin's situation. Exaggerating tones and dramatic gestures, it was as if Donghyuck was reenacting a play. What makes it even funnier is how Jeno joined him halfway, making Donghyuck’s points even more dramatic. He finds it funny how the both of them ended up nagging Jaemin for overworking himself in the most ridiculous way.

"Jaemin, don't you understand? This is the world's way of telling you to rest!" Donghyuck nags him, stressing the word 'rest' as he clasps his hands with a determined look. Jeno nods his head with his arms crossed, "Maybe they took your leg and memories as conditions!" Jaemin raises one of his brows, "You can only get them back when you're all rested up!" Jeno adds. 

It's stupid, it sounds so stupid to Jaemin but he couldn't help but agree in defeat. “Okay. I already said okay!” Jaemin laughs, putting both of hands at the level of his eyes, and the two actors rejoice in their victory. He hears Jisung letting out a small chuckle beside him, "They're always like this by the way." 

Jisung faces him with a smile on his face, "It's nice to have you back, Jaemin hyung." 

The once lively atmosphere room then falls back to silence, and it definitely made them realize how things were now - how there was this wall around Jaemin, that they needed to make him trust them again. 

"It's okay if your memories won't come back, Jaem," Jeno reassures him, "We can always make new ones."

Jaemin gives them a smile, "I know."

He looks at them one by one, scanning each one of their features as he tries to familiarize himself with their faces. 

"You know, you can always take a picture of us, it'll last longer," Donghyuck says as he winks at Jaemin.

Jeno and Jisung cringes as soon as they see their friend winking. Jaemin, however, lets out a small laugh.

"I'll make sure to take one next time," he plays along, winking back. 

After a few hours of playful chit-chats and laughter, Jaemin's friends bid him farewell. He watches his friends leave his room, their loud voices ringing in his ear from their repetitive goodbyes. Jaemin waves them goodbye and it somehow feels familiar. 

Chills quickly run down his spine when he senses the familiarity. 

“Farewell, Jaem!” Donghyuck teases him for the sixth time. 

“Farewell, Hyuck!” Jaemin answers back while the boy beside him chuckled. 

He gives Donghyuck a pleading look on his face, kind of begging with eyes to give them privacy, and he finally leaves the two alone. 

“He’s quite the charmer, isn’t he?” The smaller one says. 

“Well, he is a musician after all,” Jaemin replies, stretching his limbs as he lays down on the soft grass with his arms behind his head. 

“Oh?” The boy looks at him, “He’s a musician?” 

Jaemin looks at him and there he sees the bright stars sparkling despite the day passing by. 

“May you invite him next time? I would like to hear him play,” he gives Jaemin a smile, eyes twinkling with excitement. 

“Of course,” Jaemin smiles back, “It would be an honor for him to play for ‘the’ Huang Renjun, prince of the Huang Kingdom.”

Jaemin snaps back into reality as soon as a knock is heard. He stands up and walks to the door with his cane, only to see a little girl behind. 

The little one looks shocked, not expecting to see him, Jaemin assumes. “Hello,” he smiles, trying not to scare her.

She looks at him with cautious eyes, “W-wrong room, sorry.” The little girl avoids his gaze and quickly walks away. 

“Wait!” Jaemin yells out, grabbing some of the nurses’ attention. He gives them an apologetic look for the ruckus, then swiftly walks up to the little girl who was now giggling at his reckless behavior.

“You found that funny?” Jaemin playfully sulks, “I won’t help you anymore!” He turns his back dramatically, pretending to walk away to leave the little girl alone. Suddenly, there were no giggles to be heard, instead, Jaemin felt a tug at the back of his hospital gown. He turns his back to the little girl, only to see her pleading face almost tearing up. “Please help me find my brother,” she asks him, “I promise to behave.” 

It takes everything in Jaemin to stay in character, but he sooner breaks it. “Shhh…” He whispers, placing his hand on her head as he gently strokes her hair, “Let’s go find your brother, hm?” 

💫

“I’ve told you before, Cheng,” Jaemin stops as soon as he hears a familiar voice, “He’ll start hallucinating in his fifth month.” 

Jaemin turns his head to the voice and sees Dr. Jeong. “Is there really no cure?” A tall and slim man asks, voice breaking in pain and denial.

Dark circles, bloodshot eyes, tear-stained cheeks. It was a heartbreaking sight to see, where the truth starts to sink in, finally realizing how cruel reality can actually be. 

“Are you okay?” The little girl asks him, “Why did you stop? Is your foot hurting?” She looks at his cast with concerned eyes.

Jaemin smiles at her, “No, I’m okay.” He raises his hand and gestures an ‘okay’ with a funny expression on, making the little girl giggle. 

Her once crescent shaped eyes suddenly turn into a full moon, wide-eyed and bright. Jaemin looks in her direction and sees the man he was looking at a while ago, “Do you know him?” She nods, eyes filled with glee. “I always see him whenever we visit our mother! My brother must be near!” 

“Kumi!” Jaemin turns to the voice and sees a man, his earrings dangling as he runs up to them. Worry and exhaustion are written all over his face as sweat slides down his neck. Was he looking for her? He thinks to himself. Before Jaemin could ask, the little girl leaves his side and rushes to the man. 

The man lifts her in his arms, letting out a sigh of relief as he hugs her tightly. He later pulls away from their hug, looking at her with eyes full of concern and love.

“I told you to wait,” he scolds her gently before hugging her again. 

Jaemin hesitates. Should he wait for them to notice him? Should he leave? Would it be rude if he were to leave? Perhaps so. 

He decides to wait, walking to the nearest seat and plops himself down. Jaemin didn’t really want to eavesdrop, but his curiosity tells him otherwise. He turns his attention back to Dr. Jeong, only to meet his eyes with his.

Jaemin quickly plays it off, he shifts his eyes to somewhere else, pretending to find someone. There he sees the tall and slim man from earlier, hesitating to open the door in front of him. He could feel his frustration just by watching him, how his hand kept reaching out to the doorknob but immediately backing out, how he would take several deep breaths before reaching out. 

“Looking for someone?” Dr. Jeong asks as he comes closer. 

Jaemin faces him, “No,” he shakes his head, “Just looking around.” 

He turns his head back to the man, who is finally opening the door and going inside. Dr. Jeong smiles at him, “Sporadic Fatal Insomnia.” 

With confused eyes and brows meeting halfway, Jaemin tries to figure out what Dr. Jeong just said. “Insomnia but lethal and intense,” he adds. Taking the empty seat beside him, Dr. Jeong further explains what SFI is. 

“Panic attacks, paranoia, phobias, rapid weight loss, hallucinations, dementia, and finally,” he pauses, “Death.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Jaemin asks, wary of how suspicious Dr. Jeong is acting, “Isn’t there a rule for doctors to keep their patient’s information confidential?” 

Once again, Dr. Jeong gives him a smile. “Just a gut feeling,” he says, shrugging his shoulders teasingly. 

Jaemin doesn’t understand what he means by that, which amuses Dr. Jeong even more. 

“You should make a few friends during your stay here,” he tells him, getting up from his seat. “Start with our little dreamer over there,” Jaemin follows his gaze, leading him to see the room where the tall and slim man entered. 

The doorknob suddenly turns as the door slowly opens and unexpectedly, Jaemin locks eyes with the boy inside. He looks delicate and pure, his frame small and his face angelic. Their encounter was quick, the door closed as soon as the man got out. But that second or two was enough to pull Jaemin in, as if there was this magnetic force pulling him closer to the boy inside. 

What takes his breath away is how the boy's eyes looked, how one’s eyes could still look so alive and so fiery even with such dark bags underneath them. 

“Don’t get attached too much though,” Dr. Jeong breaks his daze, “He’s living on borrowed time.” 

It was as if the world was playing with him, how the world keeps giving him shivers whenever things seem familiar and he doesn’t even know why.

Dr. Jeong excuses himself, taking off to his responsibilities, and Jaemin stands and gives him his gratitude. He plops back down to his seat, rewinding his encounter with the boy in his head. The boy looks a bit familiar, the boy feels familiar, but Jaemin couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He can’t remember where and when he met the boy.

Was he someone I knew before I lost my memories? He ponders.

Suddenly, someone disturbs his thinking and sits beside him, “Hey.” 

Jaemin turns his head to the person beside him and is greeted by a smile. 

“Thanks for bringing Kumi back here,” the man who was lifting the little girl earlier says. “I’m Yuta,” he offers his hand in front of him, “Nice to meet you.”

Jaemin shakes his hand, “Jaemin. It’s nice to meet you too.” 

“Oh! And no problem,” Jaemin quickly adds, “She accidentally knocked on my door, so I kind of feel responsible if she never gets back to you.”

Yuta chuckles, flashing his big bright smile. “You’re a nice guy, Jaemin,” he says facing him.

“Can he be my boyfriend?” Kumi blurts out. She both catches them off-guard, flustering Jaemin and shocking Yuta at the same time. 

“What?! Boyfriend?!” Yuta asks, still in shock, “You’re too young to have a boyfriend!”

Kumi crosses her arms, face grumpy and red, “No!” She leaves Yuta’s side and quickly switches to Jaemin’s, “You said he was nice!” Yuta, still processing what happened, has his eyes and mouth wide open. The little one hides behind Jaemin and it clearly upsets Yuta. 

They catch each other’s gaze and Jaemin apologizes while Yuta gives him an apologetic smile. 

“Yeah but he’s too old for you!” Yuta explains.

“Age is just a number!” She answers back.

“Is she normally this stubborn?” Jaemin asks, laughing a bit.

“Yeah. She got it from our mom,” Yuta jokes while his little sister rolls her eyes at his response. 

They both laugh at Kumi’s eye-roll, and Jaemin is suddenly drawn to shift his gaze to the boy's door. 

You can’t be serious… 

It feels like fate is toying with him, or is it just on his side? Is the universe telling him to make his move? That this is his chance? 

He meets his eyes again. The moment he looks at the boy’s door, not expecting to see him nor lock eyes with him, he catches the other already staring. 

The noise gradually shrinks, no siblings bickering, no one talking nor calling for doctors, just the sound of his heartbeat rapidly increasing. Jaemin looks away first, feeling a bit hot and unsteady. He excuses himself to Yuta and Kumi, telling them he needed to go. So he quickly stands up and takes another glance at the boy, who’s now red and spacing out, before walking away. 

💫

“Well, that was unexpected,” Jaemin lets out a chuckle while his face and body is being pinned down on the counter of a convenience store. 

“Why?” The boy asks, “Thought I was an easy prey?” 

Who knew that the small boy working at a convenience store every night of summer would be this fierce and brutal? Instead of fear or embarrassment, it amuses Jaemin. The boy amuses him so much because he is just what he was looking for. 

“What’s your name?” Jaemin asks. 

He could feel his face pressing harder on the cold and hard countertop, “Hey! That hurts!” 

“Why do you ask?” The boy replies, sharp and short. 

Jaemin could feel his word darting his body, probably his eyes glaring at him too. He didn’t answer, waiting for the boy to ask him again out of frustration. 

“Hey,” the boy calls out, “Why do you-” 

Before the boy could finish his sentence, Jaemin takes the opportunity to break free from his situation. He forcefully grabs one of the boy’s hands as he quickly turns the table. 

Jaemin smirks at the boy below him, “So your name’s Renjun?” He asks him, looking at the name tag on his uniform. 

“What a pretty name for a pretty boy like you.”

“He’s still asleep. I’ll give you a call when he wakes up,” Jaemin could hear the door close as footsteps grow louder and louder. 

He slowly opens his eyes, feeling his chest a bit heavy. He’s there again, that boy appeared in my dreams again. 

“Jaemin? Are you awake?” Nurse Kim, his nurse, asks him.

Jaemin looks at her, “Do you know anyone whose name is Ren…” He feels his heart sink. He doesn’t know why but he suddenly feels immense guilt and sadness tied to that name.

“Pardon?” The nurse gives him an apologetic smile, “Could you repeat your question?” 

His name is Renjun, right? He asks himself, making sure the name’s correct before asking someone who this Renjun might be. 

Jaemin faces nurse Kim again, “Do you know anyone whose name is Renjun?” 

“Renjun?” She repeats, making sure the name’s correct. “Yes, Renjun,” Jaemin sternly answers. 

He can’t pinpoint why but the name Renjun makes his heart ache. It feels like his body is itching to find him - to see him, to hear him; to talk to him, and to touch him. Renjun’s voice echoes in his head, as if it was calling him, as if he was telling him to find him. But why? Was he someone dear to him? Did they lose their connection or broke off their relationship? Is he trying to reconnect with him? Did he move to another place? Or is he dead? 

“I do,” she replies as she checks his vitals, “he’s a patient here, actually.” Jaemin turns his head to the nurse, surprised and dumbfounded. “If!” she pauses, “if we’re talking about the same Renjun.” 

Before Jaemin could ask her another question, someone knocks on his door. “I’ll go get that first, okay?” The nurse excuses herself and goes up to the door, sooner revealing the friend he made in this hospital a few weeks back. 

Jaemin couldn’t quite hear what the conversion was about, only their whispers and chuckles fill his room. Though his eyes aren’t the best nor the clearest, it seems like Yuta is requesting a favor from the nurse. He quickly pulls out a folder from his bag, sooner opening it and getting the paper that was pressed between the pages. 

Yuta looks at his watch and accidentally startles nurse Kim when he suddenly gives her the piece of paper out of impulse. He flashes his big bright smile at her, inserting bows in between, and rushes out of their sight.  

“Oh, how pretty!” She exclaims, looking at the paper she’s holding as she turns her way to Jaemin. “Your friend wanted to give you this personally awhile ago but he said that he forgot he had errands to run today,” she says, handing him the paper.

“Looks like someone brought you flowers,” she adds, “how thoughtful.” 

Jaemin takes a look at the paper and he swears that for a moment, the flowers felt alive - slowly dancing along to the inaudible tunes of the wind. They were painted in different hues of yellow - some were as bright and golden as the beaming sun of summer; some were painted in soft pastel yellow, kind of resembling the pale lonely moon; some were as vibrant as fresh mangoes; and some were mixed with a bit of orange, colors popping like egg yolks. 

“Absolutely breathtaking,” Jaemin mindlessly says aloud. 

He stares at the painting once more, feeling a bit of nostalgia for some unknown reason. 

“Do you know what flowers are these?” Jaemin asks the nurse beside him. 

“If I’m not mistaken, I think they’re buttercups,” she answered.

“Now, what are you painting this time?” Jaemin asks, head poking out behind the prince’s shoulder. “Flowers? Again?” He sighs as he plops back to his spot, laying down on the soft grass with both of his arms behind his head. 

“Yes, flowers,” the prince chuckles as he softly strokes his brush against the paper of his journal. 

“Care to share the flower’s name?” Jaemin asks, eyes shut as he feels the breeze of the wind brushing hair.  

The older puts his brush down, pulls his journal to his face close, and gently blows on them. “Ranunculus,” he answered, short but tone sweet. 

Jaemin opens his eyes, stealing a glance at the prince. “But they’re more known as buttercups,” he adds, picking up his brush again as he continues to paint.

“Buttercups…” Jaemin whispers underneath his breath. 

I am charmed by you. 

This time, the thought stays in his mind, literally. He keeps repeating and repeating and repeating that specific thought, trying to remember where it came from; why it was the first thing he thought of; and he could swear that it’s already at the tip of his tongue but he could not just remember where and why. 

“Mr. Na Jaemin?” nurse Kim calls out as he breaks out of his daze. 

“Ah… sorry for spacing out,” he apologizes, scratching his head as he lets out a small laugh, “where were we again?” 

She gives him a sudden smile, a bit suspicious and chaff but definitely excited. 

“I think,” the nurse pauses, putting her hand beneath her chin as she focuses on Jaemin’s face, “I think that we are talking about the same Renjun.” 

“Really?!” Jaemin exclaims, automatically moving his body forward by surprise. Even he surprises himself, which made him a bit shy after realizing how he reacted. “I mean,” he regains his composure, “really?” 

So it is him? It’s really him? The boy in my dreams and the boy next to Yuta’s mom’s room are the same person? 

Nurse Kim chuckles, “really,” she says with a teasing look on her face. She moves her seat closer to his bed, seat facing forward as she takes another look at the golden flowers in Jaemin’s hand. “Ah, there it is,” she whispers. 

Jaemin takes a closer look, trying to find what the nurse was referring to. 

“See the little star with seven points hiding in the flowers’ stems?” She suddenly asks. 

Jaemin moves the piece of paper closer to him, and there he sees the tiny star, drawn with seven points in pitch black ink. 

“That’s Renjun’s mark,” she points at the star, “all his works have that star somewhere hidden.” 

The nurse then faces Jaemin with the word curiosity written all over her face, “I didn’t know that you two were close! Renjun barely tries to make friends here because-” 

“We aren’t,” Jaemin quickly responds, cutting her off mid-sentence. 

“Sorry,” he looks away, “Honestly, I don’t know.”

There were a thousand words Jaemin wanted to say, but he wasn't sure if he should. Thoughts were rambling inside his head as if they were pushing Jaemin to ask questions about the boy in his dreams - about the boy that painted him flowers. Were they close? No. He certainly knows they aren’t. Renjun wasn’t seen in any of the pictures nor contacts he has in his old phone, concluding that Renjun was never a part of his old life. They’re strangers. Nothing but strangers. But fate tells him otherwise, confusing him with the reality he’s living in with the fragments of memories he barely remembers. 

What confuses Jaemin more is the feeling that Renjun feels like a dear memory to him despite being total strangers in their current situation, and something tells him that he isn’t the only one dreaming the dreams he’s having. 

“By the way,” nurse Kim once more breaks him from his daze, “why were you asking about Renjun?” 

“Uh… well,” Jaemin hesitates, clasping his hands. “I keep seeing a person with that name in my dreams,” he answers, voice low and soft as if he doesn’t want anyone to hear him. 

“Really?! Your memories might be coming back then!” She says in excitement, clapping her hands for Jaemin’s small achievement. “That’s great news! Baby steps are still progress, you can take all the time you need,” she adds. 

The nurse stands up from her seat, fixing her things as she prepares to exit his room. “I’ll go tell Dr. Jeong. Have a great day ahead, Jaemin!” She says with delight, heading out to the door. 

“Oh, and,” she turns her head to him, “try to get along with Renjun, he might help you remember.”

Remember what exactly? 

Jaemin takes another look at the painting, and for some reason, he feels both comfort and malaise. “Renjun… Huang? Was it Huang?” He asks himself, trying to recall if the name’s correct as he lays down his hospital bed again. 

“You were a bunch of things in my dreams,” he says as he stares at the ceiling. “Admirable, fierce, and strong,” he whispers, voice low enough for only him to hear, “but why are you a sick stranger here?” 

His eyes then make their way to his window, slowly squinting because of the blinding sunlight. Every morning, it was as if daylight was trying to engulf Jaemin’s room. Rays of light passing through his glass windows as it playfully escapes through the thin cloth of his powder blue curtains, making his room appear a bit brighter than usual as the light bounces through his platinum white walls. 

There, Jaemin sees a brand new day, perhaps a new routine to try too. The weather is sunny, a perfect day to go outside and take a stroll , he thinks to himself. 

Try to get along with Renjun. 

The thought slips into his head. Though nurse Kim encourages him to befriend the boy, Jaemin hesitates. Simply because of the worry to scare the boy off if he ever blurts out one of his dreams to him, or even worse, to project Renjun’s image as someone from his dreams and not as who he really is in reality. It takes him a few more minutes to consider it, thinking about what Dr. Jeong told him. 

Don’t get attached too much though,

he’s living on borrowed time. 

Attached. That’s probably the last thing that would happen if Jaemin befriends Renjun. They’ll just be acquaintances, a familiar face in the hospital they’re both staying in, or so he thought. 

Jaemin picks up the phone from his bedside table, dials in the nurse call center’s number, and waits for a response. 

“Good morning, Jaemin! How may I help you today?” A nurse answers. 

“Hello,” Jaemin greets her, “can I get a nurse to escort me outside to the hospital’s garden today?” 

“Of course! Wait for a few minutes and she’ll be right up there,” she replies. 

“Oh, and,” he pauses, a bit hesitant and nervous, “can I take a stroll around the garden with a friend today?” 

Jaemin feels his heart beating louder and faster as he waits for a reply.

“A friend?” She asks, making sure if what he said was correct. 

“Yes. A friend,” Jaemin answers, trying to keep his composure. 

The nurse’s hum goes across the line, “but none of your friends visited today? Or are you scheduling their visit for them?” 

“Uh… no,” he answers, “I’m taking a stroll with a new friend today... hopefully…” 

Just as the nurse was about to approve Jaemin’s request, he beats her to it. 

“Actually,” he quickly says, voice cracking due to his nervousness.

Jaemin clears his throat, coughing his nervousness away as he calms himself down. 

“Sorry. Uh…” he adds, “Can you ask Huang Renjun if he’s available to take a stroll today in the garden?”

💫

It is a perfect day for a stroll, it isn’t too hot despite the blazing sun up in the skies. The cool breeze dances with the leaves, gently making its way to caress Jaemin’s skin, sort of giving him comfort and courage. 

“Mr. Na?” 

That one call alone is enough to send thousands of shivers down his spine. 

Jaemin turns to the owner of that voice, and there he sees Renjun. Not the youngest Olympic champion skater Renjun, not the second prince of the Huang Kingdom Renjun, nor the convenience store cashier Renjun, but room 323 Renjun - the patient with Sporadic Fatal Insomnia, Neo hospital’s little dreamer. 

Unlike all the Renjuns in his dreams, the Renjun here is paler and weaker. He isn’t as lively and excited as the skater, he isn’t as rash and free as the prince, nor is he as rebellious and bold as the cashier. Jaemin could tell just by his appearance, that this Renjun is the complete opposite - gentle, prudent, and acquiescent. 

“Hi,” he gives him a tiny wave. 

“Hey,” Jaemin returns it. 

The warmth of the sun hits their skin, the cool winds passing by a second after as awkwardness fills the air. But the awkwardness isn’t uncomfortable, it’s weirdly charming actually, as if they were both familiar with each other’s presence. 

“You can just call me Jaemin, by the way,” the latter adds. 

“Okay then,” the boy pauses, “Jaemin,” he says with a shy smile. 

“Uh… would you like to take a seat?” Jaemin asks as he offers the seat beside him. 

Renjun gives him another smile, “sure.” 

The smaller takes the seat beside him, humming a familiar tune as he fixes the way he sits. The tune is soft and sweet, as if it was singing him a lullaby to sleep. It feels like sitting under a big tree as the stars twinkle in the night sky, waiting for one of them to fall for a wish to be granted. Talks of dreams and fears, stories of one’s past being shared, and the desire of breathing lightly even for a quick minute to see everything in the moment. But it somehow feels sad, it somehow feels lonely. It sounds like a melodic cry, as if it’s trying to reach someone, trying to be heard. It feels like the person who was there to watch the stars, share their stories, share their dreams and fears wasn’t there anymore. 

Jaemin can’t help but stare at the boy beside him, quietly humming along to the tune that aches his heart for some unknown reason. Unlike Jaemin, Renjun has his eyes closed as he hums the tune. The blonde haired boy immerses himself to the tune, swaying along with the cool breeze, kind of looking like he’s playing the piano. 

It’s quite a sight to see - how peaceful someone looks as he loses himself in the melody he’s humming. Renjun looks fragile, so fragile and weary. He slowly opens his eyes as the soft tune fades into an end, meeting Jaemin’s eyes after. 

Renjun has the skin of a porcelain doll, eyes a bit red with dark bags underneath. The smaller slowly tries to reach for his cheek, hand hesitant once it gets closer to the gap. Jaemin, on the other hand, couldn’t move even for a bit. He feels like he’s being sucked into Renjun’s eyes, like there’s a black hole in his eyes. 

The smaller finally closes the gap between his hand and Jaemin’s cheek, “There, there,” he says as he strokes the latter’s cheek. 

If it wasn't for Renjun’s icy cold hands, Jaemin wouldn’t even notice the warm river of tears streaming down his chin. “Do you perhaps…” the smaller pauses, “Actually, nevermind.” 

Renjun removes his hand from his cheek, giving him a warm smile after. Jaemin smiles back, a bit timid but his eyes definitely say otherwise. He wipes off the remaining tears on his face, kind of embarrassed about what happened, and Renjun finds it cute. 

“Sorry about that,” Jaemin says as he swings his arm at the back of his head. 

“It’s fine,” Renjun replies, “I’m kind of used to seeing people cry anyway.”

“That’s sad,” Jaemin blurts out, only realizing what he said a minute after. “I mean,” he quickly adds, panicking internally as he does not have a clue on what to say next. 

“Renjun, do you like flowers?” Jaemin suddenly asks. 

Again, Jaemin surprises himself by the words he blurts out, sensing the familiarity again out of the blue. Though this time, he isn’t the only one who gets the feeling of deja vu. 

The boy looks at him with pure adoration, chuckling at his surprised face. “Yes,” he answers, “I do like flowers, Jaemin.” 

Jaemin suddenly stands up and makes his way to the nurse who’s with them, “Excuse me, do you perhaps have a pen with you right now?” 

The nurse gives him a nod, taking out her pen from pocket and giving it to Jaemin. He thanks the nurse and goes back to where Renjun is. 

“Where did you run off to?” He asks, “You didn’t pick a flower, did you now?” 

Jaemin shakes his head, “No, of course not,” he answers, showing him the pen after. 

“A pen?” Renjun asks, “What-” 

Before the latter could ask him another question, Jaemin quickly opens the cap of the pen and starts scribbling. The black ink bleeds on his skin, each stroke conquering the lines of his palm, forming a circle with long curly strokes surrounding it. 

He shows the boy his small doodle, “We aren’t exactly allowed to pick flowers from the garden so,” he gives him a shy smile, “I kind of drew you one instead.” 

Renjun chuckles, “What for though?” 

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Jaemin shrugs as he closes the pen, “but I’m hoping it makes you feel a bit better.” 

“Oh,” is all Renjun could say. 

The boy takes Jaemin’s hand, staring at the little drawing he made on his palm. His lips slowly start to curl upward as he softly caresses the flower, “It does.” 

“It does make me feel a bit better, Jaemin,” Renjun says, looking up as he meets his eyes, “Thank you.”

He has eyes like the stars. 

Despite the boy’s drowsy dry eyes and the sun shining brightly, he holds the whole starry night skies in his eyes. Twinkling despite the darkness, dreaming and wishing on the fallen bright stars. 

It is a perfect day for a stroll, it isn’t too hot despite the blazing sun up in the skies. The cool breeze dances with the leaves, gently making its way to caress the two boys’ skin. But maybe a stroll isn’t the only nice thing to do on a perfect day like this, maybe humming a little melody with sudden scribbles on one’s hand can be another thing to consider.

💫

“Alright,” Renjun says as he puts his hands on his hips, back facing Jaemin, “Watch carefully, okay?” 

Jaemin always knew that the ice rink is Renjun’s natural habitat, and today he’ll see the said boy skate. 

Renjun glides across the ice, graceful and serene. His skates slide against the snow white frost like brush strokes on a blank canvas, his body swaying like it’s one with the wind, and his face lights up with childlike glee, smile excited. 

“Jaemin!” He calls out, smiling widely as skates into place, “This is step one!” 

Renjun once again glides across the ice, moves flowy and free as his feet exchange steps. However, his last step comes with a spin - his right leg drifting on air as he twirls with his left. The skater exchanges his steps once again with a quick leap, spinning continuously the next second as he lands on his right foot.

He keeps on spinning and spinning, forming a 90 degree angle with his legs. Renjun, a pro performer, wouldn’t miss a single detail. He looks up, spinning faster, hands sooner following as they gracefully sway upwards to present an expression. 

After a few moments of grace, Renjun's upper body bends backward with his hands reaching for his left foot. When the skater’s hands finally grasp his skate and wrist, his body dives forward with his leg extending upward, spinning slower with poise. 

Wow. 

That’s all Jaemin could say to himself as he watches the spinning boy. Renjun is an amazing skater, no doubt. But Jaemin finds himself feeling a bit blue, maybe it’s because Renjun reminds him of a spinning ballerina he once saw in a music box, maybe it’s because he buys toys for the lifeless kids before they pass and move on, maybe it’s because Renjun resembles the little ones’ excitement when they see a toy as he teaches him to skate. 

The rink is dark and empty, quiet enough to only hear skater’s skates scratching against the ice as he twirls. But unlike the spinning ballerina in the music box, the ballerina in front of him spins in silence. 

Jaemin is death himself - cold, pale, a bit melancholic and dull as he lives his monochromatic life with his daunting job. But maybe death doesn’t need to live a monochrome life, maybe death can be warm and happy, maybe death can finally have his own little ballerina. 

A little ballerina that tries to make his experiences a bit bearable. 

“Renjun really went step one: do acrobatics,” Jaemin playfully whispers to himself, shaking his head while he suppresses the smile that’s forming at the corner of his mouth. 

Renjun spins around three times before he lets go of his skate, breathing in the icy cold air that fills the rink. His skate gently falls along with his arms, still spinning slowly until it naturally comes to a stop. 

“How do you expect me to do that?” Jaemin complains, throwing both of his arms forward. 

Renjun shrugs, “I don’t know?” He faces him with an innocent but teasing look, “Lift your leg?” 

“Renjun,” the younger sighs, his shoulders dropping along.

“Shouldn’t the step one be,” Jaemin holds onto the bed’s footboard, “I don’t know? Try to slide across the room?” 

It’s only been a couple of days since the two properly met in the garden, and Jaemin didn’t see this coming at all. One day there were two shy strangers trying to steal glances at each other, the next they’re already doing all these friendship stuff in Renjun’s list. 

Was this a good idea? No. But did I still agree to it? Yes. 

Jaemin somehow ends up in Renjun’s room, standing on the latter’s skateboard as he holds onto the footboard of the boy’s bed. 

His room is quite different from the others, maybe it’s because he’s been staying here for about five months, maybe it’s because he can’t keep his dreams all in his head. Can a room be messy but artistic at the same time? Probably so if you’re Renjun. There are literally paintings scattered all over his room, some of it looks familiar to Jaemin while some don’t. 

Renjun crosses his arms, “But you already did that.” 

“I’m barely standing,” He quickly answers back, “And I don’t think this is a good idea for someone who has a cast on his leg.” 

The smaller pouts, “But you were already doing so well on the skateboard.” 

“Renjun,” Jaemin looks at him, face serious with a playful voice, “We both know that isn’t true.” 

Jaemin gets off the skateboard, slowly walking towards his cane while he uses the bed as support. “Boo,” the boy teases him, “You’re missing out on all the fun.”

“I’ll take that more than breaking another bone,” the younger jokes. 

Renjun laughs along in agreement, “You do have a point.” 

“This is so weird,” he suddenly says, lying down on his bed. The boy looks at Jaemin with curious eyes, “Doesn’t this,” he pauses, a bit reluctant to continue, “I don’t know? Feel familiar to you?” 

Jaemin looks at him with fond eyes, not knowing how to answer the boy while a hundred questions flood his mind. They both stare at each other for a few minutes, Renjun breaking eye contact first as his voice fills his room. 

The latter chuckles, “I did it again, didn’t I?” 

Renjun rubs his eyes, stretching and yawning after. He flops his arms on his bed and stares at the ceiling, “This is definitely more tiring than trying to fall asleep,” he whispers to himself, but the room is quiet enough for Jaemin to hear it too. 

“Are you okay?” Jaemin asks him, sitting on the space available on Renjun’s bed. 

The boy glances at him, “Mhm, just tired,” and gives him a soft smile. 

Stop lying, Renjun. 

A few minutes pass by, filling the room with tension that makes Renjun even more anxious. Jaemin on the other hand, stays muted. He wanted to ask Renjun about his worries, but he hesitates at the thought of crossing the line. 

Breaking the tension, Renjun sits up, looking at Jaemin with frightened eyes, “I think I’ll rest for a bit, Jaemin. I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Sure,” Jaemin stands up, making his way out the door. But stops on his tracks and looks back at the boy before leaving, “Hey, Renjun.” 

“Hm?” The boy answers softly while fluffing his pillow. 

“It’s okay to, you know,” Jaemin shrugs shyly, saying his next words in a smaller tone, “Admit you’re not okay sometimes.” 

Renjun freezes, his soft smile dropping little by little. He looks at him again with the eyes of a mouse, tense and troubled. Renjun has always been restless, losing sleep and losing weight due to his condition. But even if the bags underneath his eyes get darker and darker, the boy’s eyes never fail to look alive - not until today. 

“Okay,” Renjun answers, looking down at his hands. His fingers intertwine with each other, holding tightly as the boy takes a deep breath. 

“Jaemin, I’m not okay.” 

“Ren-” 

“But I’ll be okay soon,” he looks at him with a tired smile, “so don’t worry too much, alright?” 

Jaemin wanted to argue, but then again he hesitates to cross the line. He didn’t want to make Renjun uncomfortable nor offend him in any way possible. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then he won’t bring it up; he’ll let Renjun take the lead. 

“Alright,” he sighs in defeat, “See you tomorrow?” 

Renjun smiles, a bit calmer this time, “See you tomorrow.” 

💫

“So what you’re trying to say is,” Jisung takes a quick sip from his juice box, “Renjun hyung is a part of your memory?” 

“Yeah, pretty much,” Jaemin answers, sipping the cold taste of oranges from his juice box. 

The younger lays his back, sipping the taste of orange juice again. He throws head back, facing the ceiling as he firmly says, “But this is your first time meeting him.” 

“That’s!” Jaemin blurts out, surprising himself after realizing how loud he spoke. He fixes his posture as he clears his throat before speaking again, “ That is what confuses me.” 

“But hyung,” Jisung looks at him, “Are you sure those were memories?” 

He rests his chin on the palm of his hand, “Are you sure those weren’t just dreams?” 

Jaemin stares at the straw of his juice box, not uttering a single word. 

But they weren’t just dreams… Because if they were, then why does Renjun know? Why does he remember what I remember? 

“Look, hyung,” Jisung breaks the silence, “How about you try to spend more time with him?” 

Jaemin raises a brow, “What’s with you and everyone?” He looks at the younger with suspicious eyes, “Everyone’s been pushing me to Renjun lately.” 

“Well, if you ask me,” Jisung takes another quick sip, “It looks like the universe is telling you something?” 

“Jisung-” 

“What?” The younger one throws his hands in the air, “Anything can happen, you know?” 

Jisung sits a bit closer to him, placing his empty juice box on the bedside table near them. The younger raises his hand open chest-level, putting his thumb down a second later. 

“First,” he starts, “you woke up knowing no one except for this one person in your dreams.” 

“Then suddenly,” he puts his index finger down next, “You meet the same exact person in real life - with the same exact face , same exact voice , and the same exact name. ” 

Putting the next finger down, Jisung emphasizes his next words. “Third,” he says, “They said Renjun hyung might help you remember things , and he did, hyung.” 

“But!” The younger quickly adds, “Those weren’t memories.” 

“Where are you going with this?” Jaemin asks, placing his fingers on his temples. 

“They can’t be memories because Renjun hyung was three different persons in your head,” the younger says, “Four if we count the Renjun hyung we know here.” 

“Also,” he adds, “He can’t be a figure skater, royalty, a cashier, and a patient here all at the same time.” 

Suddenly, Jisung looks at him with surprised eyes and a wide open smile, as if a lightbulb appears above his head, “Hyung.” 

“You’re about to say something crazy, aren’t you?” He says, preparing himself to hear Jisung’s exaggerating words. 

“He’s your dream person-” 

“There it is!” 

“But I’m telling you-” 

“Nope! Not having it,” Jaemin puts both of his hands on each side of his ear, hearing the younger’s faint complaints. 

“Come on!” Jisung pouts, “Hyung!” 

Giving in, Jaemin puts his hands down. He looks at Jisung, face irritated but eyes filled with love. “Alright,” he sighs, “Let’s hear it.” 

“Remember the dreams I’ve told you before?” Jisung asks, his excitement falling down as soon as he remembers that Jaemin forgot everything. 

“Actually, scratch that!” He quickly laughs off his nervousness, clearing his throat after. 

“So, I’ve had this one dream before where I met this person that felt so real,” he starts. 

“I’ve had dreams that felt real before too, but this one was different because it was actually me in the dream - my face, my body, my voice.” 

Jaemin’s eyebrows furrow a bit, “Were you not you in the other dreams?” 

Jisung shakes his head, “I mean, I was? But it wasn’t my face nor my voice so it was only my soul, I guess?” 

He crosses his arms, “That’s so weird.” 

“It’s intriguing!” The younger retorts, “It makes you think about your past lives.” 

Jaemin raises a brow, “Past lives?” 

“Yeah, past lives,” Jisung answers, only to let out a loud gasp a few seconds after. 

The latter stands up, his hands covering his mouth with his eyes wide open. He looks at Jaemin with his surprised eyes, trying to pass the idea on his head to him. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jaemin asks, feeling a little anxious as to what Jisung may have come up with. 

Jisung sits beside him, “Hyung…” 

Jaemin could feel his heart pounding a little bit louder, his breath a little bit heavier, and his hands a little bit colder. Something is telling him that what Jisung is about to say might be true no matter how insane it may be, that it’ll be something he needs to take note of in the future. 

“What if those really were memories but from your past lives? ”

💫

“Oh my god!” Renjun cries out, “I knew you had that card!” 

Jaemin snickers, fanning himself with the use of the remaining cards in his hand. “Oh no, Renjun,” he says in a cocky tone, “I’m just a newbie that will probably lose this game.” 

The next day, Renjun invites Jaemin to play his favorite game with him - Uno. The latter didn’t know how to play this game though since, well, he lost his memories. But it looks like luck is on his side once again, truly the universe’s favorite. Jaemin is definitely enjoying this, Renjun however, is already knitting his eyebrows together as he takes four cards from the stacked deck of cards. 

The smaller one scoffs, “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” 

The other gasps sarcastically, covering his mouth with his free hand. “Enjoying what?” He asks, “Winning?” 

“You’re insufferable,” Renjun rolls his eyes.

“Beginner’s luck,” The latter says as he puts down a yellow cancel card, placing a yellow number seven card after. 

Jaemin looks at him with a mischievous smile, then back at the sight of his cards. He’s thinking of pushing his luck, to tease the boy more with his next move. 

Would it be fun to finish the game this early? No. But would it piss Renjun off? Most probably, yes. 

“Why are you smiling like that?” Renjun asks impatiently. 

Jaemin teases the latter, pretending to place a card and putting it back to pick another one. He looks at the boy, clearly he could tell that Renjun is frustrated as he looks at the six cards he has in his hand. 

The boy sighs, “I could’ve shouted uno by now if it wasn’t for that stupid plus four card,” he complains beneath his breath. 

Renjun looks at him with serious eyes, “Well, go on!” 

You’re so fucking cute, Renjun. 

Jaemin couldn’t remove that mischievous smile he’s wearing, excited to see the boy’s reaction when he finally places his cards. He quickly places two cards at the same, cancel and reverse, making Renjun skip a move twice. 

The latter’s jaw drops, “Are you fucking serious?” 

Taking his second to last card, Jaemin places a plus two card, “Uno.”

“I don’t want to play anymore,” Renjun places all of his cards down as he melts on his seat, crossing his arms, “The universe likes you too much, don’t you think?” 

“Oh, I’ve heard that they do,” Jaemin replies with a hearty chuckle, packing up the cards scattered on Renjun’s bed. 

They like to fuck me over a lot too, don’t you think? 

Jaemin couldn’t believe what just happened, it happened again. For a moment, he was in this dark gloomy room. Next, he’s in Renjun’s room. Just like yesterday, it felt like Renjun’s room was this big empty ice rink. But the next thing he knows, he’s balancing himself on the boy’s skateboard. 

Was I hallucinating? It felt way too real to be a daydream. 

He glances at the boy who’s had his eyebrows knitted, smiling after as he finds the boy cute to be this sulky because of losing. 

“Do you want me to ask the universe for something?” 

Renjun looks at him with a confused look, “What?” 

Even Jaemin surprises himself, he tends to blurts things out without his consciousness more often than he thinks. 

“Well,” he tries to think of an excuse, “The universe likes me?” 

Renjun scoffs, more lightly and playfully this time. The boy looks at him with gentle eyes, “Are trying to speak things into existence?” 

It sounds so stupid. Jaemin, who was questioning Jisung about his insane theories of dream persons and past lives, is now believing his shit about the universe. 

“It’s worth a shot,” He chuckles, his shoulders smiling along with his mouth. 

Renjun smiles along, finding it new to see Jaemin believe in things like these. He lays his chin on his hand, staring down as he thinks of his wish carefully. 

“How about- no, wait,” He quickly takes back his words. 

“Don’t you think you’re taking this too seriously?” Jaemin jokes around. 

Renjun faces him, feeling a bit shy but definitely determined, “Well... it’s worth a shot, right?” 

“Right,” Jaemin answers, a bit curious about the boy’s wish. 

The smaller shoots him another smile, “Then that’s all the reason that I need.” 

Optimistic. A word that perfectly describes Renjun. 

He fixes the way he sits, eyes trailing all over his room as if he’ll find an idea around. Jaemin follows the latter’s gaze, roaming around his room full of his art - paintings, sketches, there’s even clay molds. Somehow, it all feels so familiar. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but Jaemin knows he’s seen these paintings before Renjun came into the picture. 

First, a sketch of a man wearing a hat that’s covering half of his face. 

Second, a kingdom painted in oil. 

Third, a clay mold of an arcade token. 

“Oh! I know!” Renjun exclaims, facing him as soon as the idea strikes him. 

“Can you tell the universe to bring your memories back?” 

Jaemin didn’t expect this at all. He thought Renjun was about to wish for something like a cure for his disease, for him to live a little longer, or to let his brother live a happy life after this one hell of a rollercoaster ride. 

Renjun keeps on surprising him, or was he painting the image of the boy in his dreams on him too much? 

He wasn’t like the silly skater with his sly little ways, knowing what he wants and how to get them. Neither was he like the adventurous prince with his desire for freedom, wanting to rule the life he owns beyond his title. And neither was he like the reserved cashier he met at around 2 AM, trying to rob the world despite his timidness. 

Renjun doesn’t have any tricks up his sleeves nor selfish desires, all he has is that genuine smile of his that could light up the whole world. 

“Well,” the boy crosses his arms, “Will you speak it into existence?” 

“I will but,” he pauses to look at Renjun’s naive eyes, “Why?” 

Jaemin tilts his head as he crosses his arms, “Don’t you want like... I don't know, a cure?” 

“Oh, sweet, innocent, Jaemin,” Renjun chuckles, “I already have all the time in the world!” 

He stands up from his seat, opening his arms as if he’s waiting for a hug. He twirls from his spot, smiling and laughing, locking eyes with Jaemin as soon as he stops spinning. 

“I’ve been dreaming day and night, and honestly,” the boy shoots him a reassuring smile, “I don’t mind dreaming forever after that.” 

A selfless wish with a selfish ending, don’t you think so? Wishing another’s desire without sparing a thought of the people you’ll leave behind, the people who loved you. 

He wasn’t even sure if the universe will listen to him, if the whole speaking things into existence even works with him. It shouldn’t bother him, right? Because he doesn’t believe in these things - fate, past memories, and the like. But why does he feel nervous?  

Jaemin looks at Renjun, chest feeling a bit heavier than before. 

“The universe will bring back my memories,” he gives him a small smile, “I’m speaking it into existence.”

💫

“For the kingdom’s future general, you sure are slow.” 

The prince lets out a hearty chuckle while he looks at the lieutenant general behind him, “Are you sure you go to war with those legs?” 

“Ha ha, how humorous,” Jaemin sarcastically says, rolling his eyes at his remark. 

The two had been trying to escape the kingdom’s walls, catching onto the sinking sun as the clock strikes half past five. It's time for stalls to close down, for children to run back into their homes before some monster in the shadows takes them, and the time for the prince to watch his daily sunset at his secret place - with a companion this time though. 

“How are you so slow?” The prince whispers, eyes growing bigger as if he’s trying to scare Jaemin away. 

“Your majesty-” 

“Renjun,” he corrects him, “I told you to call me Renjun.” 

“Are you out of your mind-” 

“Perhaps, I am!” 

The two princes were the complete opposites - the eldest being the born ruler and heir of their kingdom, raised to be worthy of the throne with all eyes on him. While the second or youngest prince being the nonchalant troublemaker, grew up with the freedom of choosing his own path but lacked the attention of his kingdom. 

“Come on, they aren’t looking anymore,” Renjun leads the way, swiftly sneaking past the courtyard. 

Jaemin follows the prince, casually walking unlike his majesty though. They look foolish, as if Renjun is playing a kids’ game all by himself as Jaemin babysits him. The prince is surely enjoying this, it’s written all over his face - how the thrill of getting caught rushes in his veins, how he drags the kingdom’s new killjoy lieutenant general to sneak out with him, and how Jaemin wouldn’t leave nor snitch on him right here and right now. Mister soon-to-be general on the other hand, seems to be enjoying the prince’s company more than he thought - smiling like a fool whenever his majesty rushes him to come over. 

“Halt!”

“Where do you think you’re going?” 

Jaemin turns his head to the voice, “Oh, hey nurse Kim! How’s it going?” 

“Busy,” she says with a tired tone. “Please don’t tell me you’re running off again with Renjun to the rooftop.” 

As soon as Renjun’s name was mentioned, the latter pops his head from Jaemin’s broad figure. The nurse looks at Jaemin, talking with her eyes, telling him to not make things any harder for her as it already is. 

“Hi, nurse Kim!” The boy says with that innocent smile of his, blinding enough to make anyone’s day better. 

“Hello, Renjun,” she smiles at the boy, “Are you going up the rooftop again?” 

The two didn’t want to be obvious, but it looks like they already failed at that. Instead of answering nurse Kim’s question at the same time, they take a quick look at each other - trying to ask the other if they should answer yes or no. 

Nurse Kim sighs as she massages her temples, knowing why the two wanted to go to the rooftop at this hour of the day. She looks at them with a stern look, “Be back as soon as the sun completely sinks, got it?” 

“You’re the best nurse Kim!” Renjun jumps out of excitement, hugging the nurse as soon as she gives them her approval. 

“Thank you, nurse Kim,” Jaemin gives her his gratitude. “We won’t do anything that’ll get you in trouble, I promise!” 

“Oh, you better do, Jaemin,” nurse Kim warns him in a playful manner, knowing that she means it despite her kindness. 

Nurse Kim takes a quick glance at their surroundings, making sure the two won’t get caught sneaking on the rooftop again. She turns her head to side, turning around to face them but not quite, fixes her uniform as she says. 

“Go catch your sunset, you two.”

💫

“Oh my god,” Renjun quietly says as he catches his breath, wearing a big smile on his face as he sees the different hues of the sky, “We made it on time, Jaem!” 

Breathtaking, literally and figuratively. Taking the stairs up to the rooftop may be tiring enough to leave them breathless, especially when they are rushing to catch the sunset, but the view they get to see makes it worth it. 

Jaemin takes a few breaths of air first, calming his excited heart as he lets his eyes stare at the beautifully painted sky. 

“Magnificent, isn’t it?” 

Jaemin faces the prince - who’s now wearing a proud grin on his face - and walks past him, finding a spot to sit on without answering the prince’s question. 

“How rude!” Renjun exclaims, stomping his feet on his way to follow him. 

The prince is quite cute when he gets easily upset, and Jaemin finds it very childish and entertaining at the same time. He tries his best to suppress a smile, to face the prince with a serious look on his face as what he calls him the “killjoy general” of the Na kingdom. 

“A bit mediocre,” he says, trying to provoke the latter, “I mean, it’s just an ordinary sunset, right?”

Renjun loudly gasps, covering his mouth with both of his hands as he looks at him with an offended look painted all over his face. 

“No! It’s not average! It’s not just an ordinary sunset!” The boy stands up from his seat, putting both of his hands on his waist as he shakes his head, “I am so disappointed in you.” 

Fuck. I don’t know if it’s the memories making me feel this way or if it’s just Renjun himself. 

Jaemin and Renjun have been sneaking out to the rooftop for a while now, just to catch the sunset every time the clock strikes 5:30 PM. Most days they stay at each other’s rooms, keeping each other company when the day seems dull. Some days they take strolls in the hospital garden, painting the flowers there when Renjun feels like bringing his paints along. And some days they go to the rooftop - well, sneak into the rooftop - to watch the sunset together, catching a breath of fresh air with a relaxing view. 

“But we’ve already seen the same sunset together for like, three weeks now?” Jaemin shrugs, trying to play it cool to tick Renjun off, “What makes it different from the others?” 

Renjun has his brows knit together, his lips pouting at his remarks, “It doesn’t matter if it’s the same sunset you see on the daily.” 

The boy diverts his eyes to the sunset, adoring each second of the tangerine with the hints of magenta and indigo sky, “Because each sunset will have their very own memory behind it, you know?” 

Jaemin looks at the sunset in front of them, taking the other’s words seriously this time. Renjun has always loved sunsets - well, Jaemin assumes to because of the boy’s endless paintings of it. Some sunsets were painted at a beach, some were at a forest, and some were in the city. 

“You know how there are people proposing during the sunset? Or how people would take a picture of it even on a regular school day?” Renjun babbles, “It doesn’t really matter how much you’ve seen a sunset, but remembering at least one that makes you all giddy inside.” 

“What’s yours?” Jaemin asks, facing the other while the warm hues of sky slowly turn cool, sunlight placing their last kisses on the boys’ skin, “What sunset makes you all giddy inside?” 

Renjun faces him with innocent eyes, lips curled softly as it puffs the latter’s cheek. 

“Probably the sunsets I’ve seen with you?” 

“That! Probably sounds weird…” the boy quickly adds, giving him a shy smile as he avoids his eyes, “It’s just… I’ve never really shared a sunset with anyone before…” 

Renjun didn’t want to ruin the mood just because of his pitiful self - a sick boy stuck in his hospital room with no one to run to except his brother, who is busy taking all the jobs he could take to pay for his hospital bills. If he could be honest, Renjun didn’t want to burden his brother anymore. He didn’t want to stay in a hospital room, waiting for a cure to suddenly show up. Being taken care of, given proper meals, laying down with comfort - Renjun didn’t want any of that. If he is really living on limited time, he would want to spend his months, days, hours, minutes, or even seconds with someone dear to him; he didn’t want to die all alone with no fond memories. 

“Me too.” 

Renjun stalls for a second, surprised and confused at his remark. 

“What-” 

“Our little sunset rendezvous makes me all giddy inside too,” Jaemin says, eyes glued to the sinking sun. “But I lost my memories so,” he tries to tease Renjun, ruining the moment as the latter punches his arm softly. 

“You’re so mean,” Renjun sulks, sitting down next to him while he crosses his arms. 

Jaemin giggles as he looks at him, copying how the boy crosses his arms, adding an overreacting pout after. 

“Oh fuck off, Jaemin,” Renjun grumbles, rolling his eyes at the latter. 

Skies are starting to darken, colors of indigo and denim engulfing every corner to the extent of what their eyes can see. The sun has been sinking quicker these days than usual, or maybe it’s because they’ve been enjoying each other’s company too much that they couldn’t keep track of the time. 

“Hey, Renjun.” 

“Jaemin, if you’re-” 

“Our sunsets would always be the ones that make me the giddiest,” he looks at him with gentle eyes, raising both of his indexes as he places them at each side of his temples, “With or without my old memories.” 

Jaemin winks at the boy, making the latter cringe and laugh. 

“You’re insufferable,” Renjun scrunches his nose as he crosses his arms, suppressing the smile curving from his lips. 

Jaemin shrugs, wearing a smirk on his face, “It’s one of my charms.” 

The two boys stand up from their seats, stretching afterwards as they take a last look at the view. Renjun sighs, putting his hands on his waist as he throws his head back. 

“What are you doing?” The younger boy asks, following his gaze. 

“There’s a lot of stars tonight,” he answers with a smile, “The moon’s so bright too.” 

Jaemin stares at the empty and lonely sky, “You’re right. They’re beautiful.” 

He didn’t want to ruin the boy’s night, even when Renjun asked him a favor to break him into reality, to tell him whenever he’s hallucinating. He knew how much Renjun loves the stars - how he dearly talks about it and its constellations, how he told him that the stars would always keep him company whenever he feels lonely, or how the stars used to guide him when he was still walking home, making the road more enduring and less scary. 

Jaemin takes up the space beside Renjun, making the latter face him in question. He raises a brow at him, waiting for him to speak. 

“Would you like to have stars in your room?” He asks, surprising the boy. 

Renjun blinks as his eyes grow bigger, “What?” 

“I said,” Jaemin glances at the sky, “Do you want me to take those stars to your room?” 

The boy looks at him with suspicion, “Are you… speaking things into existence again?” 

He hums, “Well…” he crosses his arms as he stares at the sky, “It wouldn’t hurt to borrow some of the stars from the sky, right?” 

“Right…” Renjun answers, “But why do you want to put stars in my room?” 

Jaemin faces him, feeling butterflies all over his stomach when he sees stars twinkling in the boy’s eyes despite the empty night sky. 

I hope you never lose those stars in your eyes, Renjun. 

“So you’ll never feel lonely,” he answers, swift and sweet. 

Renjun gives him a soft giggle in return, “But I’m not lonely… anymore, that is.” 

“Really?” Jaemin asks, tilting his head with clueless eyes. 

“Mhm,” the boy hums, “A shooting star fell from the skies and found its way to me.” 

Jaemin feels his cheeks and ears burning, blood rapidly rushing in as his heart tries to jump out of his chest. The butterflies he once feels in his stomach start to go crazy, excitingly flying around as his head spins and starts malfunctioning. 

Oh my fucking god. 

He’s lucky it’s already dark outside, making his rose tinted cheeks and ears hidden. His behavior, however, makes everything obvious. He just needed to panic and make his crisis noticeable - ignoring the other’s eyes, flinching and panicking at his every move, and nervously laughing when he tried to turn his adrenaline off. 

“Oh my god?” Renjun leans closer to him, “Are you… blushing?” 

“No-” 

“Oh my god! You are!” 

“I’m not!” 

“Yes, you- wait! Where are you going?!” 

“It’s already dark! Nurse Kim might look for us!” 

“But were you blushi-” 

“I can’t hear you!” 

Jaemin opens the door that leads them back in, leaving it open as he waits for the boy to enter. Renjun enters a minute later, wearing a big grin on his face as he closes the door. 

“Does-” 

“Shush!” 

“But-” 

“No buts!” 

Renjun covers his mouth with his hand, “Let me finish first, okay?” 

Jaemin nods, heart beating faster because of their proximity. The boy removes his hand from his mouth, stepping back to widen the gap between them. 

“Does your offer still stand?” He asks, “About the stars in my room.” 

Jaemin gives him another nod, making Renjun smile wider. 

“Does your offer include shooting stars?” He asks again. 

You sly little fox. 

“Actually, they do,” he answers, knowing what the boy will ask next. 

Renjun hums heartily, “If that’s the case then…” 

“Would you like to sleep in my room tonight?’ 

💫 

Jaemin wakes up to Renjun shaking, breathing heavily as tears and sweat stream all the way down his chin. He hurries to turn on the lights, rushing to the boy’s side after. Jaemin holds his trembling hand with his left and the other on his cheek, trying to calm him down. 

“Renjun, look at me, okay? Focus on me,” Jaemin softly moves the boy’s head to face him. 

Renjun looks at him, eyes dilated with horror. He cries even harder, feeling sorry for letting Jaemin see him like this. 

“I- I- I’m-” 

“Shhh…” Jaemin caresses his cheek, “Breathe with me, okay?” 

The boy gives him a small nod, still breathing aloud as he tightly holds onto his hand. Jaemin frees his hand from his cheek, gesturing it to lead his breathing. They stare at each other’s eyes, both refusing to break eye contact.

Jaemin breathes in and Renjun follows, holding their breath for a few seconds then breathing out. He stays by Renjun’s side, calming him down as his breathing becomes more stable. 

“Good. You’re doing good, Renjun,” Jaemin says in between their breathings. 

Slowly, Renjun stops quivering. Breathing more calmly than before, tears still forming in the corners of his eyes as his eyes drop to his sheets. Jaemin wants to ask him why, but decides to wait for Renjun to tell him on his own. 

The boy’s room suddenly falls silent, nothing but the clock’s ticking and the air conditioner echoing. Jaemin’s eyes are still stuck on Renjun, caressing his hand while the latter blankly stares at his tear-stained sheets. 

Renjun’s condition became worse ever since he invited the younger to sleep in his room, seeing more of his dreadful nightmares come into life, haunting him as soon as the sun bid goodbye. If the universe loves Jaemin then it sure does hate Renjun, making the lucky boy’s first sleepover into his room a complete mess just as it is right now. 

It shocked Jaemin at first, of course. Hands trembling as he presses the nurse call button, rushing to get help as soon as possible when he first sees the boy having a panic attack.

Nurses come rushing into the room, quickly placing an oxygen mask over Renjun’s nose and mouth as soon as they can. Jaemin observes the boy from afar, asking the nurses how to properly handle his next panic attacks after if ever happens with him again.  

Everyone saw it coming though, everyone knew how the boy’s next few months would be - horrifying, stressful, tiresome. The battery of his clock nearing its end, assuming the energy left is only good enough for a couple more months. 

Jaemin feels the boy’s hand squeezing his, eyes look like they’re fighting back tears. 

“Renjun-” 

“Don’t leave me,” he cuts him off, facing him with tired red eyes. 

“Please don’t leave me.” 

His voice is a bit hoarse from all the crying, eyes puffy with the shades of red and pink tinted on his bags underneath. The younger boy looks at him with worried eyes, tracing the older’s faint rosy cheeks to the tip of his swelling nose. 

Jaemin squeezes his hand tighter, “I won’t.” He wipes Renjun’s tears with his free hand, “I’m your shooting star, right?” 

The boy nods, tears still sliding down his cheeks. 

“As your shooting star,” Jaemin says softly and warmly, “I’ll stay by your side to make things less scary, okay?” 

Renjun places his warm hand on top of his, giving him a soft smile afterwards, “Okay.”

💫

“Item delivery for Na Jaemin!” A boy with jet black hair greets as he enters his room. 

“Lee Jeno!” Jaemin greets him back, quickly standing up and walking towards him. 

“Woah! Careful with your leg,” Jeno says, “I’m not going anywhere.” 

Jaemin takes the paper bag from his friend, peeping inside to see the glow-in-the-dark stars he asked for. Renjun would love this, the first thought that pops into his head. His mouth curls upward, feeling the excited bees inside his stomach buzzing around as he drags Jeno outside his room. 

“What are you- Where are we going?” His friend asks. 

“We, my friend,” he closes the door, “Are going to stick these into Renjun’s room.” Jaemin pulls out the plastic packet of stars, shaking them with a grin on his face while his friend eyebrows’ meet. 

“We are going to what now?” Jeno asks again, “Is it even okay to stick those without his permission?” 

Jaemin puts the packet back, his smile reaching his eyes from the excitement. “Of course!” He answers, still dragging his friend’s arm as they make their way into Renjun’s room.

💫

“More to the left- Stop! Tilt it a bit mo- There! Stop it right there!” 

Jeno stays still, waiting for Jaemin to give him the go signal. 

“You can stick them now,” he says, holding the chair Jeno’s stepping on. 

The latter sticks the pale green star on the ceiling, stepping down on the chair afterwards and stretches. “Was that the last of it?” Jeno says as he yawns, “Didn’t know that sticking a hundred stars would be so tiring.” 

Jaemin walks to the doorway, turning his back to get a whole view of the room. Different sizes of green stars can be seen at every corner of the room, adding pale green hues to the platinum white walls every time the light passes through them. 

He once again enters the room, looking up and around as if he didn’t stick the stars with his friend. It looks pretty, a bit childish but pretty. Some stars are bigger than others while some are smaller, some are about the right size, and some look like they could fit in his hands. 

Jeno walks up to the space beside him, eyeing the moon that’s at the center of the ceiling. 

“Do you think he’ll like it?” Jaemin asks him, chin up as he stares at the moon. 

“Mhm,” his friend answers, “I’m sure he will.”

Jeno pats his shoulder, “I think someone’s waiting for you outside.” 

“Really?” Jaemin looks at him, not expecting Renjun to come back as soon as they finish sticking the stars in his room, “They came back sooner than I thought.” 

“Uh… I don’t think it’s Renjun, Jaem…” his friend says, looking back at the peeping doctor by the doorway. 

Dr. Jeong?

“Oh, please come in, Dr. Jeong,” he greets his doctor, “Are you looking for Renjun?” 

The man in a white coat enters the room, shaking his head at his question. He takes a look at the room, making the air a bit hard to breathe in. Jaemin feels nervous for some unknown reason, his gut telling him that Dr. Jeong isn’t here to tell him something good. His doctor looks at Jeno, smiling at the latter as he switches his gaze back to him. 

“Can I talk to you privately, Jaemin?” 

The two friends look at each other, speaking with their eyes as Dr. Jeong waits for his answer. Jeno breaks their eye contact first, facing the doctor with his charming eye smile. 

“I’ll excuse myself first,” he says as he slides out of the space near them, waving goodbye to his friend as he exits the room. 

Jaemin waves back, feeling his heart pound a little bit louder as each second passes by. 

“The room looks nice,” Dr. Jeong starts, “Did you and your friend do this?” 

The boy nods, “It’s a surprise for Renjun when he gets back.” 

“That’s nice,” he says, looking at the stars on the wall, “You’re lucky the hospital allows you to decorate his room.”

Hospitals don’t usually allow things like this - over-decorating a patient’s room the way they liked to. They usually only allow simple things such as picture frames and a favorite pillow or blanket, not a hundred stars sticking on the whole room as dozens of paintings and crafts are displayed as if the room’s an art exhibit. 

But Renjun’s different, he’s far from the rest. It’s been about six months since he was admitted to the hospital - six months since he was diagnosed with Sporadic Fatal Insomnia. Half a year passed by slowly for Renjun, he has all the time in the world after all. He spends most of his days painting, some days daydreaming - which are slowly becoming a bit too real as time passes.

Some days his dreams make him smile, entertaining his bland day-to-day life. But some days they scare him, how his mind sometimes leads him to harm when the illusion takes the form of his brother. And some days his nightmares come to haunt him, hearing their voices echo in his head as he vividly sees and feels them choking him. 

The past six months were horrible, if Renjun could be honest. Not being able to sleep, losing his appetite, and his own mind fucking with him - it drives him mad. He starts to lock himself in his room for good in his fifth month, his visions shaking him up minute by minute as he tries to distinguish which one’s reality and which one’s not. 

“Well…” Jaemin follows his gaze, “Renjun is special.” 

The room falls silent for a while, both keeping their stares at the stars stuck to the room. 

“Your leg has already healed, hasn't it?” 

Fuck. 

It’s been a week since Jaemin’s leg completely healed, a week since he extended his stay. A bit selfish, some may think - occupying a room that’s meant for someone in need of medical support, someone who probably needs it more than him who was just lounging around. Dr. Jeong always thought that Jaemin would leave the hospital as soon as his leg healed, to start anew or familiarize himself again with the outside world. 

Dr. Jeong faces him, a little uneasy to know if his hunch about the boy’s intent is right, “Are you pretending it’s still broken to extend your stay?” 

“I can’t leave yet,” he answers, voice stern as he grips harder on his cane. 

His doctor lets out a heavy sigh, not expecting him to be stubborn as the way he’s acting right now. It stresses him out, his conscience telling him he’s responsible for whatever is happening or will happen, that he allowed the two to meet only to part ways.

“I promised someone that I won’t leave them,” he adds, facing him with determined eyes.

It sounds so cheesy and romantic, but Dr. Jeong knows better than that - he knows the cruelty of reality, of life and death. Everyday he sees people fighting for their lives, people crying for a miracle, and people trying their best to steal every second they can get to be with the ones they love. 

He fully understands the feeling, how Jaemin is probably feeling right now - scared, anxious, and of course, in denial of what the sure future will hold. 

Dr. Jeong gives him a bitter smile, “I can’t stop you, can’t I?” 

Jaemin smiles back, shaking his head as a reply. He knows well enough that Dr. Jeong worries for him - to witness a sudden scene of grief flash before his eyes and have the feeling of regret linger within if he couldn’t think, move, nor do anything that could’ve saved the dreamer from his nightmares. 

Don’t get attached too much though, he’s living on borrowed time. 

One of the first pieces of advice he heard during his stay, an advice he thought he could follow just for the sole reason of the empty hole he feels in his existence that time - lost and alone. Jaemin would be lying if he said that he didn’t spare a thought for this, the thought of him or Renjun being attached to the bond they’ll build as time goes by, which will definitely bite them back in the end. 

But isn’t that the reason why time is so important? 

May time be borrowed or not, no one can really be sure of when one’s time may stop ticking, can they? Isn’t it rude to strip people living with a limit of thought and of love? Do they not deserve to feel alive as normal people do? To spend their everydays with no worries or concerns of their conditions - to feel like they’re okay and normal even just for a day and aren’t known for what kind of tragedy they have going on in their lives. 

Why is there a need to avoid - to limit one’s attachment - to a person who is dying? So one couldn’t get hurt, the obvious answer. But wouldn’t the lingering regrets of what ifs and could’ve hads hurt more than landing on the safety net of detachment? 

A person dying shouldn’t equate to a person one should avoid nor to keep a right amount of distance, it should never will. Jaemin realized that in the presence of the dreamer’s own world, when he talks big of how vivid he feels and sees everything - putting these emotions into his art calmly, taking all the time he needs to finish without the reminder of him dying every second of the day. 

Renjun once said so himself, he has all the time in the world. If he would die at any given moment right now, then why should he be afraid of feeling everything there is to feel? Why should he be afraid of pain? Of sorrow and of love? Everyone keeps reminding him of time - his remaining months, weeks, days, hours, and seconds, like it’s always been about his ticking time and not about what he wants to do with what’s left. 

Despite all that, Jaemin decides to stay, even if it would cost him a broken heart in the end. And the same goes for Renjun, he decides to let himself feel everything - to laugh, to cry, maybe even to fall in love - even if it would cost him to break someone else’s heart. 

“I’m his shooting star, Doc.,” he adds, lips curling but not quite. 

“I need to stay by his side to make things less scary.”

💫

“Do you like them?” Jaemin asks the boy lying beside him, still in wonder of the glowing stars surrounding his room. 

It’s been a week since Renjun saw the stars glowing in his room, yet he would still be in awe of how it feels like he’s floating in space, how Jaemin really did borrow the stars from the sky to put it in his room.

The stars are a week old, yet Jaemin would still ask the boy if he likes them and Renjun would always answer the same as before, as if it was their first time seeing the stars glow at night together. 

“Yes,” Renjun pauses, his smile reaching his eyes, “Yes, I do.” 

Every night, Jaemin would sneak out of his room to go to Renjun's - he would put a plushie in his place to not get caught, hide at the darkest spots of the hospital’s corridors, he would even enter a room out of impulse to avoid the nurses doing their rounds. 

The room falls silent for a while, the two laying down on Renjun's bed as they ‘stargaze.’ 

“Do you think stars were once people?” 

Jaemin looks at Renjun, and the boy looks back, catching him off guard. They both stare at each other’s eyes for a while as every sound in the room turns small, nothing but the warmth of their breaths occupying the space between them. 

“Yeah,” Jaemin answers after a beat, eyes still glued to the boy’s twinkling eyes. 

The boy chuckles, not breaking their eye contact either. Renjun gives him a tender smile with innocent eyes, “I think so too.” 

“Do you want to see a star personified?” Jaemin asks, his smile as soft as his eyes’ stare at him. He smiles more widely when he sees Renjun knitting his brows together while his nose scrunches as he smiles, probably trying to figure out what he had in plan this time. 

The boy looks at him with suspicion, “What are you hiding this time?” 

Jaemin snuggles a bit closer, and for some reason, Renjun does it too. The two take turns in nuzzling, slowly closing the gap between them as they end up with a narrow proximity. 

“Hi,” Jaemin starts, smiling like a fool as he stares at the boy’s eyes. 

“Hello,” Renjun replies with a slight giggle, a bit shy at how close they are. 

“Do you see it?” He asks the boy. 

“See what?” Renjun asks back, voice smaller than usual. 

Jaemin leans closer. “The star,” he says, “You can see it in my eyes.” 

Renjun laughs at the way Jaemin tries to enlarge his eyes, and Jaemin laughs along, probably realizing how funny he must’ve looked. 

“Renjuuunnn,” he whines, “Why can’t you see the staaarrrrr!” 

The boy leans a bit closer too, nose touching but not quite as they breath each other in. He keeps smiling, thinking how cute and childish Jaemin can be at times. “I don’t see it, Jaem,” he says, voice louder this time. 

“Why? Tell me what you see there,” he asks him, trying to suppress the smile forming on his lips as his plan goes by smoothly. 

“All I can see beside your pupil is my reflectio-” the boy pauses, backing up a bit as he gives Jaemin an impressed look on his face, “Oh, you’re good, Na.” 

They both laugh at their silliness, thinking how ridiculous they might look and sound right now at a quarter after two in the morning. Jaemin doesn’t feel butterflies in his stomach anymore, instead, he feels fireflies flying around - warm and bright. It has always been like this with Renjun, warm and bright, like he can light up the whole world with that innocent smile of his. 

Again, the room falls silent for a while. But instead of the stars stuck on the wall, they stargaze at the galaxies they see in each other’s eyes.  

Renjun smiles heartily, giggling silently as he looks back at the ceiling as the faint hues of neon green paints his face. He stretches his arms, like he’s reaching for the stars, “I’d like to go live among the stars too after my journey here on earth.”

“I’d be one of the brightest stars out there, probably along a constellation too,” the prince chuckles as he plops his arms down. He lets out a heavy sigh after, smiling as wide as the sky while he closes his eyes, “That would be nice, wouldn’t it?” 

Jaemin hums in agreement, “It would.” 

“No complaints this time?” Renjun asks teasingly, opening one eye to look at the latter, “No more ‘silly dreams’ or ‘how ridiculous and impossible’ remarks?” 

“Okay, maybe they’re not that silly, or ridiculous, or impossible,” he replies, lips forming a shy smile as he looks at the prince. 

Renjun sits from his place, arms stretching as he shouts “Jaemin can finally live his life with color!”

Jaemin laughs, confused but entertained at the boy’s remark. “Why are you shouting? Do you know what time it is?” He whispers as he slaps Renjun’s arm lightly. 

“Oh who cares about time anyway?” The boy shrugs with his hearty laugh. Renjun stands up, arms open with his head up high, “I finally showed you my world - or how I see the world rather.” 

“Your world? And what’s with the life with color you were shouting earlier?” Jaemin asks, still dumbfounded at his remarks. 

The boy hums, “Yes, my world.” He puts his hands on his waist, head turning to face him, “A world full of dreams and make believes, where the impossible becomes the possible.” 

“Welcome to Renjun’s dreamland!” 

💫

The clock strikes 3:37 in the morning, and another wave of panic attacks strikes the dreamer. Jaemin stays by his side, like the usual, but the panic attack Renjun is experiencing is quite different from the others he’s had before. It’s a lot more intense - he’s shaking as if he’s thrown out in the cold streets on a winter night, breathing like there’s a ticking time bomb attached to him, and his nonstop cries for help and screams of terror echoing the room as Jaemin holds him tight.

Jaemin hates seeing him like this - in pain and terror. But what he hates more is that he can’t do anything but to hold him, to stay with him until he calms down. He tries his best to calm the boy down, but it looks like his mind is swallowing him whole - it was a fight between himself. 

“No!” Renjun cries, voice hoarse and body trying to break free from his hold. The boy sniffles and coughs loudly, moving his body roughly as he tries to reach out for something. “Let- go! Jaemin i-is in- trouble!” he chokes on his words, trying to breathe in some air as he speaks, “I-I-I n-need to s-save him!” 

And there it is, tears. Jaemin finally gives in, allowing his tears to slide down his cheek as he chokes on the lump in his throat. “I’m right here,” he says as his voice breaks, holding the boy more tightly, “I’m right here, Renjun!” 

Just like that, the boy’s body falls down like a building being demolished - swift and lifeless. Jaemin stops breathing for a while, eyes in total shock and body stiff as a stone. He feels his chest tightens, heart sinking with cold shivers running down his spine. 

Renjun…? 

Silence engulfs the room for the next few minutes, leaving nothing but the sounds of their own breathing and heartbeat audible. Jaemin slowly loosens his hold, hesitating to face the deadpan boy in his arms - if he’ll be faced with a paper doll or a sleeping dreamer. His hands slide up to the boy’s shoulders, the warmth from Renjun’s arms turning cold as soon as he touches his soft cotton shirt. 

“You’re here.” 

Renjun turns to face him with puffy red eyes and tear-stained cheeks, his sweat sitting still on his forehead all the way to his neck while his nose is tinted pink. He tries to move his hand to reach for Jaemin’s cheek, to make sure that he is here with him. But his body fails to do so, his hand giving up the first second he lifts it. Renjun’s eyes travel from his hand to Jaemin’s eyes, giving him a weak and small smile - just wide enough to ease up Jaemin’s nerves. 

“I’m here.” 

Jaemin holds the boy’s frame with care and tenderness, gently laying him down on his bed as he melts in his arms. Renjun holds onto his arm as Jaemin lays him down, tugging the ends of his shirt with sleepy eyes. 

“I’m tired,” the boy says in a small tone, small enough to mistake it for a whisper. 

Jaemin hums in reply, wiping away the sweats and tears scattered on Renjun’s face. “It’s okay to be tired,” he says sweetly, “It means you’ve worked hard for the day.” 

Renjun looks at him with that smile of his, “Really?” He chuckles, “Even if I did nothing the whole day?” 

“Even if you did nothing the whole day,” Jaemin reassures him, pushing the boy’s hair back so it won’t be all over his face. “Breathing and trying to survive the day is already enough work to do, so...” he adds, “Congratulations for surviving today, Renjunnie.” 

The boy smiles even wider, showing a bit of his teeth as he mouths him a ‘thank you.’ Renjun closes his eyes, trying to get some sleep while he lets go of the other’s arm. 

Jaemin carefully plays with the boy’s hair, fingers softly brushing against his hair as his smile grows smaller. Again, it feels familiar. For some reason, he just happened to know what can help Renjun fall asleep better - like he knew playing with his hair will work wonders. 

For the first time in a while, Renjun is able to fall asleep comfortably - his brows aren’t knitted, no tears escaping through the corners of his eyes, and no whimpers in between his sleep. Finally, the dreamer is able to dream, literally. 

Jaemin continues to stroke the latter’s hair, smiling softly as he bids him goodnight. 

“Sweet dreams, Huang Renjun.” 

💫

“Remember my name! Huang Renjun!” 

The two go up the rooftop of their shared apartment, screaming whatever comes to mind at the midnight sky as their neighbors scream back at them a “Shut up! There are people who are trying to sleep here!” 

“Fuck off!” Jaemin shouts back, making the both of them laugh until tears appear in their eyes when a voice cusses him back. 

Renjun looks back at him with a childish grin, “This is so much fun!” He faces the empty night sky again, hands on the edge of the rooftop while he takes a deep breath.

“Huang Renjun’s name will live on!” 

The boy steps aback, catching his breath while holding onto the edge of the rooftop. He’s getting weaker, he knows that. But still, he wanted to try everything there is to experience, even if it makes his breath a bit shorter and his vision blurry. Renjun keeps smiling, his blood rushing in his veins despite his thin and weak figure. 

Jaemin steps closer to him, taking the space beside him as he caresses his back. “Don’t take it too far, Renjun,” he warns the boy, feeling more anxious about his condition as the day goes by. 

“When will I know if I’m going too far when every second of my day feels like I’m nearing the end?” Renjun asks, head hanging low as the shadows of the night cover his face. 

There’s no answer. 

Jaemin remains quiet beside him, letting Renjun catch his breath first before he nags him again. It was never easy for the both of them, having to constantly argue about the same thing over and over again until the other accepts defeat. 

Sometimes Renjun would let him win - that they’ll stay in for the day and avoid tiring activities. Sometimes Jaemin would let the other win - that they’ll go out their rooms and make the most of what they can do inside a hospital. 

Renjun finally starts breathing quietly, his grip loosens up as he raises his head up. 

“I don’t want to fight,” he starts, “I don’t have enough energy to argue.” 

“Then we won’t argue,” Jaemin answers back. He reaches for the boy’s hand, noticing how colder and thinner it gets as days pass by. “Just... don’t pass out on me. It’ll freak me out.” 

Renjun faces him with a small smile. “But you always freak out,” he teases. 

Jaemin raises him a brow, his whole face disagreeing at his remark. “No, I don’t?” 

“Yes, you do,” the boy chuckles, taking a step closer until they’re an inch apart. 

“What are you doing?” Jaemin asks him, hiding his nervousness by biting his lips together. 

Renjun puts his arms around his neck, catching him off guard as his cheeks and ears turn pink. “See?” The boy giggles, “You always freak out.” 

That’s because you drive me crazy, Renjun. You’re like nicotine but worse, doubling the dizziness I feel in my head and… Oh god, my heart’s gonna explode if you keep me close like this. 

“Cat caught your tongue?” He teases him, “Don’t worry. I won’t bite… yet.” 

Jaemin feels hot and dizzy, confused at what Renjun was trying to say. He tries to avoid his eyes but the latter holds chin, gently turning his face to him. 

Renjun’s touch feels electric, leaving him speechless and in shock as a thousand volts strikes his body. Jaemin finds it ironic actually, how strong Renjun electrifies him despite how powerless the boy is right now. But maybe that’s what makes a person different from the rest, how you’ll be the one left powerless when it comes to them. 

“Do you want to try falling in love?” 

Renjun stares at him, smile fading as he turns as red as a rose. He is about to remove his hands around Jaemin’s shoulder but the latter is quick enough to catch up, locking his hands at the back of his neck. 

“Jaemin, what are you-” 

“Fall in love with me,” Jaemin cuts him off, voice stern but sweet as he stares right into Renjun’s eyes. “Make me yours and I’ll make you mine.” 

The two are at the rooftop at 5:04 in the morning, initially planning to get a breath of fresh air but ended up with a confession instead. Renjun’s pale skin suddenly bleeds in pink, his body temperature becoming warmer than usual too while he feels weaker in the knees. The cold breeze brushes their skin, messing up their hair as it playfully tickles them to step closer. 

Their skins are both painted in shades of red because of their proximity, making them look like two buds of roses of the same stem that belong in the same garden. Jaemin locks his eyes with Renjun’s, the latter however, looks away as soon as their eyes meet. 

Jaemin laughs at the boy’s reaction, pulling him closer “Who’s freaking out now, Huang?” 

“Fuck off, Na,” Renjun laughs heartily, rolling his eyes at him with a smile pasted on his face. He removes his arm around Jaemin’s neck, playfully pushing him away from him so he could catch his breath from the tingling feeling he feels all over his body. 

They both feel like they’re floating on cloud nine, as if there were no other people in the world besides the two of them. Giggles echo all night at the rooftop, like the two were drunk in love - drunk in the idea of calling the other theirs that it makes them feel intoxicated. 

If Renjun could only be brave enough, he could’ve said yes the first time - he could’ve said yes in falling in love with Jaemin. But he can’t deny the fact that he’s scared - not for whatever that’s going to happen to him, but at how much he’ll hurt Jaemin when he finally joins the stars in the sky. 

“Jaemi-” 

“Renju-” 

The two stare at each other for a second, in shock at how they both called out each other’s name at the same time. 

“You go first,” Renjun insists, preparing himself to say yes at Jaemin’s offer about falling in love with him. 

“Would you like to dance with me under the moonlight?” 

Jaemin offers his hand as he bows in front of him, raising his chin up after. “I promise that I’m a good dancer,” he jokes around, flashing the boy his killer smile. 

Renjun crosses his arms, brows meeting halfway as he gives him a chuckle, “But there’s no moon tonight. How are we gonna dance under the moonlight?” 

Jaemin being Jaemin, he smiles even wider, having a plan in mind again. He stays in his position, switching his gaze from his hand in front to Renjun’s eyes as he says “Take my hand to find out?” 

Full of surprises and unreadable. One of the few words that Renjun would probably describe Jaemin as he keeps on pulling these cheesy tricks on him. 

Renjun takes his hand, and it fits perfectly in his. He feels his heart doing a flip as he keeps looking at how his hand fits like the last puzzle piece into Jaemin’s incomplete puzzle. The latter leads them in the middle of the rooftop, Jaemin taking the left side and Renjun taking the right. 

“Where’s the moon?” Renjun asks, looking around. Jaemin looks up at his right and the boy follows his gaze, revealing the big light bulb on the wall. 

Renjun faces him again and Jaemin is already looking at him with sparkling eyes, “We’re in Renjun’s dreamland, right?” 

The boy nods his head, making the other’s smile reach his eyes. 

“A world full of dreams and make believes, where the impossible becomes the possible,” Jaemin quotes. 

Jaemin’s eyes trace the way back to the light bulb, exposing the features of his face more in the presence of a snow white luminescence. “Who says you can’t turn a light bulb into the moon?” He looks back at him, smiling as he offers his hand in front again. “Everything is possible in Renjun’s dreamland, right?” 

The cold air kisses their skin as they stare into each other’s eyes, the sounds surrounding them grow smaller with each breath they take. Once again, they have their heads and feet up the ground, smiling as bright as the bulb illuminating on them. Their heartstrings tugging at how intimate they stare, eyes looking like it’s been longing for each other’s presence - searching and searching for the comfort they can only feel in the space of each other. 

Renjun takes his hand, smiling as wide as the boy in front of him. “Right,” he answers, intertwining his hand with Jaemin’s as he places his other hand on his shoulder. 

And it feels like peace - it has always been and will always be as long as they stay in comfort and safety of each other’s hold. 

The two start to sway under the fluorescent light, their feet mirroring each other while Jaemin softly sings underneath his breath. His eyes never leaving Renjun’s, his heart making his voice shaky and his smile stretching wider as he sings.

“Yes you’re lovely, with your smile so warm

And your cheeks so soft

There is nothing for me but to love you

Just the way you look tonight.” 

Jaemin leads Renjun, pulling him a bit closer as they sway slower. 

Renjun feels weak in the knees with the way the other looks at him, asking him to stop looking at him like that in his head but not really meaning it. He loves the way Jaemin looks at him - soft and sweet, but with hints of passion that only appear if he’s with him. Renjun suddenly takes the lead, smiling softly as he sings. 

“With each word your tenderness grows

Tearing my fear apart

And that laugh that wrinkles your nose

It touches my foolish heart.”

Jaemin smiles wider, his heart fluttering like crazy when the boy starts singing. He throws his head back for a second, facing the night sky as he closes his eyes and suppresses a smile before he faces the boy in front of him again. 

I’m going crazy. 

“Oh, and Jaemin,” Renjun quickly adds before he forgets. 

“Yes. I would love to try and fall in love with you.” 

💫

“Oh fuck,” Jaemin whispers underneath his breath. He tries to bend down, failing a second after because of the cast on his leg. Having to wear a cast even when your leg is already healed is definitely a nuisance, but it’s the only thing that’s keeping him close to Renjun. 

Jaemin looks at the vending machine’s pickup box, eyebrows meeting halfway as he bites his lips. He tries bending down again, but again, failing. 

“Need a little help?” 

Jaemin shifts his gaze to the voice, seeing one of the few friends he made during his stay. The man walks closer, stops beside where he’s standing, and bends down to get the canned coffee inside the machine. 

“Here,” the man hands him his coffee. 

Jaemin takes it from him, “Thank you, Sicheng hyung.” 

Sicheng nods with a charming smile, and Jaemin smiles back.

They both remain standing at their place, not knowing what to say nor what to do next. 

“Well,” Jaemin breaks the silence first, “This is… nice.” 

Yup, this is awkward. 

The older one smiles at his remark, “I actually wanted to ask you something.” 

Jaemin feels his stomach and nerves twisting, calming himself down internally by sipping on his coffee. “Shoot.” 

“How’s Renjun?” Sicheng asks, a bit embarrassed and shy by the thought of having the need to ask someone else of his own brother’s condition. 

“He’s…” The younger pauses, finding the right words to say without stabbing him with a dagger. “To be honest, he’s not doing so well… He’s becoming thinner and thinner by the day, his hallucinations along with his panic attacks happen more frequently too.” 

“But he’s trying his best to keep himself together,” Jaemin adds, trying to give Renjun’s older brother something to hold onto. 

“I see,” he replies, expression blank with a tired tone. “Can I go see him?” 

“Of course!” Jaemin blurts out, surprising the both of them. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes with a shy laugh, “It’s the coffee.” 

Sicheng laughs along with him, “It’s fine.” He takes a glance at his watch, then back at younger, “I’ll get going then. Thanks again, Jaemin.” 

“For what?” Jaemin asks, taking another sip of his canned coffee. 

The man flashes him a smile, “For staying with Renjun.” 

Before Jaemin could say anything back, Sicheng turns his back from him and walks away while saying something that Jaemin couldn’t quite hear from afar. 

💫

“How long do you plan on staying here, Jaem?” Donghyuck asks him, munching on potato chips. 

Jaemin takes another chip from the bag, shrugging as he opens his mouth to speak. 

But Jeno beats him to it, “I think that depends on Renjun.” 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, a smile sneaking its way onto his face. “Oh, love,” he starts, “So disgustingly cute and stupid but it feels so special and safe.” 

“I didn’t know you were a romantic,” Jeno chuckles, opening the cold can of soda. “Been in love before?” 

“Am I interrupting something here?” Jaemin butts in, sensing some kind of tension between his two friends. “Do you guys like-” 

“So, about Renjun,” the brunette cuts him off, flashing him a big but threatening smile. “How is he?” 

Jaemin takes a sip from his soda, eyes diverting to Jeno who was looking at their friend with adoring eyes. He looks back at Donghyuck, smiling as he puts down his canned soda. “Worse,” Jaemin answers, feeling a lump on his throat. 

Donghyuck lets out a silent ah, the curves on his lips falling down as he stitches his lips together. “I shouldn’t have asked. Sorry,” he slaps his lips. 

“It’s fine,” Jaemin reassures him with a smile, “We all knew what was gonna happen. So it’s fine, really.” He stands up from his bed, “I’ll get another can of soda. Do you guys want anything?” 

His friends shake their heads in unison. “We’re good,” Jeno answers. 

“Okay,” Jaemin makes his way to the door, “I’ll be back.” He closes the door and just as he’s about to walk away, he hears his friends bickering. 

“You should really stop running your mouth, Hyuck.” 

Jeno’s voice reaches outside, and so does Donghyuck’s. Jaemin can hear them arguing inside his room, which makes him smile a little at their never ending fights. 

💫

“Make way!” 

Jaemin is pushed aside by the nurses, rushing down the hallway as they pull the gurney with them. The man on the gurney suddenly grabs onto him, but before the man could speak, a nurse grabs his hand and swiftly disappears. 

Jaemin feels chills run down his spine, sensing the familiarity as to what just happened.

“Renjun, hold on a little longer, okay?” 

Jaemin holds the boy’s hand tighter as he keeps up with the nurses’ pace, rushing Renjun into the emergency room with an oxygen mask on his blood-stained face. He feels Renjun’s grip slipping, his eyes trying not to fall down.

Then it hits him. 

Memories from his past lives rush into his mind all at the same time.

“Look at me,” Jaemin says, “Please.”  

Renjun faces him again, eyes sore and red from crying. “Promise you won’t be there,” he says softly, voice shaking like he’s out of breath. 

“I-” 

“I want you to promise me, Jaemin,” Renjun cuts him off, trying to say it more loudly. 

Jaemin sighs in defeat, tightening the hold of his hands. “Okay,” he looks at him with scared eyes, “I promise I won’t be th-” 

Renjun collapses in his arms. 

“Injoon?” Jaemin shakes him a bit, heart pounding harder as his breath becomes heavier.

“Renjun!”

Renjun throws himself in front, covering Jaemin from behind as he gets slashed by a sword. He takes out his dagger and runs at the enemy, stabbing him in the guts as he slices him sideways with the strength he has left. 

Just before the enemy could strike their attack at the prince, Jaemin cuts their head with his sword. 

“Renjun!” He rushes to the prince’s side, holding him in his arms with crystal eyes as he covers the cut on his body. 

The prince holds his hand back, tears streaming down his face as he tries to speak. His breathing becomes unstable, his cut bleeding faster as he spits out blood and his vision becoming dark.

In all three universes, the reason for Renjun’s death was him . 

Jaemin’s heart sinks, the noises of another busy day in a hospital suddenly shrinks and becomes barely inaudible. 

Renjun. 

He makes his way to Renjun’s room, hoping that his gut feeling is wrong - that Renjun is fine and breathing. Jaemin tries to walk faster, and faster, and faster until he runs closer to the boy’s room. 

And there he is, in front of Renjun’s room. 

“Renjun?” Jaemin calls out, knocking on his door. “Renjun, are you there?” 

No answer. 

Jaemin knocks on his door again, a bit louder this time, hoping Renjun would answer him. 

Still, no answer. 

A thousand thoughts attack his mind, making him fidget with nervousness as it dresses him with impatience. 

“I’m gonna come in, okay?” Jaemin says, turning the doorknob as the door squeaks open. 

He braces himself, heart beating faster as he enters the room with an empty bed. 

“Renjun!” Jaemin quickly falls on the ground as soon as he sees Renjun lying on the ground. 

“Renjun?” He shakes the boy’s body softly, trying to wake him up. “Renjun!” 

Jaemin starts to tremble, breathing heavily as he looks for something. He takes the lifeless boy in his arms, bringing Renjun with him as he stands up and grabs the nurse call button. 

No! No! No! 

Jaemin presses the button multiple times, tears breaking free as it falls all over the place. He looks at the boy sleeping in his arms, leaning his face closer to kiss Renjun’s forehead. He feels his heartstrings getting cut, air becoming harder to breathe in as he swallows the lump in his throat. 

Jaemin looks at Renjun, sleeping soundly in his arms. He whispers something in his ear, cradling him close as he swings them back and forth on his bed. 

💫

Renjun wakes up with an oxygen mask on, a machine connected to him too. 

“Oh, good. You’re awake.” 

He looks to where the voice is, revealing Dr. Jeong. 

“Did you sleep well?” He asks him, but his eyes and mind trails elsewhere. 

“Mhm,” Renjun hums. “Where’s Jaemin?” 

Dr. Jeong gives him a smile, eyes avoiding his. “Jaemin is in another coma,” he looks at him with pitiful eyes. “He collapsed on your bed yesterday, holding you in his arms.” 

Renjun feels a loud pang in his chest, making him uneasy. He can feel another panic attack coming but Dr. Jeong tries to calm him down, “Don’t worry too much, Renjun.” 

He pats him on the shoulder, “It’s Jaemin, we’re talking about. He’ll wake up in no time, hm?” 

“Okay,” Renjun nods, holding his hand to stop it from trembling. 

But even Jaemin can get hurt and scared. 

Renjun worries not because of how horrifying his days would be without him - how he’ll be alone again with his demons - but how Jaemin is fighting his battles alone. 

Sure, being in a coma looks peaceful, but some things aren’t always what they look like - Renjun knows the feeling all too well. He knows how dreadful it is to feel something crawling up on his skin, or how one second everything looks normal and the next would be something scarring, and how the voices of his head would haunt him as he pass by the walls - fucking him up with illusions of killers and ghosts catching up to him. 

And he didn’t want Jaemin to experience the things he’s been through in his deep slumber. 

If he could - if the universe would allow him - he would want to take all Jaemin’s bad dreams, for him to rest peacefully, safe and sound, even if it means to live through those nightmares. 

💫

“Renjun, he’s awake,” Yuta opens his door but not quite, revealing only his face as his words echo the room. 

Three days have already passed by since Jaemin’s deep slumber - three days since Renjun’s world became scarier without his shooting star protecting him. He looks even worse than before, looking like a living corpse at how thin he is with his lifeless hue. 

Renjun’s jaw drops to the floor with his eyes reviving back to life, “Really?!” He jumps straight out of his bed and rushes at Yuta’s side. “Thanks hyung!” 

The boy makes his way into Jaemin’s room, playfully dashing through the hallway as if he’s in some type of video game. He would avoid empty spaces and jump at times, losing his balance and tip-toeing his way to get to his lover’s room. Renjun tries his best to keep going despite the monsters he sees from behind, making scary noises with their scary teeth and glowing eyes. 

He finally reaches his room, seeing Jaemin laughing along with his friends who he assumes are Jeno and Donghyuck. 

“Have you heard what happened with Jaemin?” A nurse whispers to her side, “They just confirmed that his old memories came back! Sad to say he lost the new ones he made here though.” 

Renjun feels another loud pang in his chest, breathing in the conditioned air as he wipes away his sweat. 

“So he’s finally being discharged?” Another nurse asks, sighing in disappointment. “Another eye candy gone!” 

His excitement burns down, like a flame being put out. Renjun takes a look at the boy who he once called his, hoping for him to look back at him. 

“Oh…” Renjun whimpers, trying to hold in his emotions as he bites his lower lip. “His old memories came back… but he lost his new ones…” 

“So he doesn’t remember me?” The boy sniffles, a tear stroking a thin line on his cheek. He bites his lower lip, trying to suppress his sobs as he takes a trip down memory lane. 

Can you tell the universe to bring your memories back?

He chokes on his tears as they flood all over his face, “Fuck the universe.” 

Renjun wants to step back, to go back to his room. But he can’t move from his place, he can’t help but smile as he sees the love of his life jump back on track - happily laughing with his friends as they try to remove the cast on his leg on their own. 

“It should be like this,” the boy whispers to himself, wiping away his tears as he smiles widely. “Jaemin deserves to be as happy as this in his everydays.” 

Renjun takes a last look at Jaemin - his Jaemin, who is always so kind and full of love. His Jaemin, who is always so lovely and selfless - staying by his side no matter how hard it was for him to see him in an ugly state. His Mr. Na, who would draw flowers with him to calm him down, to distract him from his demons as they scream in his ear. His Jaem, who is at times, a killjoy but would still go along with his childish acts. And his Nana, who’s not as strong and brave as anyone hopes to be - but a coward just like him. 

Jaemin, a word Renjun would call love’s other name. 

He feels one of his heartstrings snapping as he swallows the huge lump on his throat, the vision of his months old lover becomes blurry while he prepares himself on his next decision. 

Renjun drags his feet backward, head still facing his lover’s room as he takes his last few seconds to look at Jaemin’s face as he slowly fades smaller. Every step he takes becomes heavier, like he’s trying to step out of quicksand - swallowing him whole the farther he is from his lover’s room. Renjun smiles at the sight of Jaemin - who’s now stretching his leg in a funny manner, thinking to himself that he’s still the Jaemin he met and loved. 

“I can’t give him an everyday.” 

💫

“Merry Christmas!” 

Jaemin enters the hospital he used to stay in, looking around as the building is filled with all sorts of decorations. He greets the nurses with a smile, placing different sizes and colors of paper bags on the counter. As the nurses go up to the paper bags placed at the right side of the counter, Jaemin’s eyes hover for a few seconds, looking for a familiar face he used to see in his stay. He then smiles and places a pink paper bag in front of the said person, “This one's for you, nurse Kim.” 

All the nurses on the counter thank him, shaking the paper bag they received from him. “Do you know where Dr. Jeong is right now?” He asks one of the nurses, and one of them answers him. “Thanks.” 

💫

“Dr. Jeong!” Jaemin calls out, running to the spot beside the doctor. 

The said doctor turns around with surprised eyes, “Jaemin?” 

“The one and only,” the boy jokes around. “Here, for you.” 

Dr. Jeong takes the paper bag in his hand, “Thanks.” He steps back, looking at the boy from head-to-toe, smiling like a proud father as he says “You’ve grown a lot, Jaemin.” 

“Thank you,” Jaemin smiles back. “I’ll get going then!” 

The boy turns his back, waving goodbye to his doctor as he starts to walk. 

“Jaemin, wait.” 

Dr. Jeong takes something from his pocket, “Here.” 

Jaemin feels something cold on his hands, he looks at the item as soon as his doctor removes his hand from covering his. 

“A flash drive? Why-” 

“It’s nice seeing you again, Jaemin,” Dr. Jeong waves him goodbye as he walks away, attending to the needs of his people. 

Jaemin takes a look at the flash drive, eyes smiling as he sees how cute it is. The flash drive is painted in yellow with a cartoon character keychain hanging around at the edge, and Jaemin feels like he’s seen it before. 

💫

Jaemin goes directly to his room, opening his laptop as he plops down on his bed. He slips the flash drive given to him, his laptop reading the drive then a folder automatically pops up. Jaemin looks at the drive’s name and to his surprise, he sees a familiar name.

Huang Renjun.

He feels his heart sink.

He doesn’t know why but he suddenly feels immense guilt and sadness tied to that name. 

Jaemin shakes his head, trying to ignore the emptiness he suddenly feels inside. He focuses back on the screen of his laptop, and he sees nine folders - each folder named by the months of February to October. He clicks on the February folder first, seeing a number around twenty videos inside. 

“It’s gonna be a long night,” Jaemin says to himself, planning to watch all the videos inside the drive Dr. Jeong gave him - to know why he gave him this. 

[02/04/2021]

“Is it already starting?” 

Renjun faces the camera with a smile - a smile that Jaemin’s heart remembers all too well. 

“Hello… doctors?” He greets the camera, foolishly smiling because of his uncertainty. “I’m Huang Renjun, 21 years of age with an illness called Sporadic Fatal Insomnia.” 

“I don’t really get SFI though, but Dr. Jeong told me it’s just insomnia but worse.” 

“He also said that the survival rate is low so… I don’t really know what to feel about that.” 

“How did it start?” A voice from the back asks. 

“Oh, uh…” Renjun crosses his arms, head tilting as he looks up at the ceiling. “All I could remember was… I suddenly had a hard time sleeping? Walking, speaking, and swallowing became a bit harder too in a way?” 

“Studying became harder too, for some reason. Like, I used to understand the discussions and instructions in our upcoming projects clearly with no problems at all! Then… I don’t know, everything just went blank and messy, which was a bit overwhelming because I suddenly… do things impulsively then forget them after.” 

“It felt like I was losing my way - my sense of direction, or did I just become unorganized?” He tries to laugh it off. 

“How did you end up here?” The voice asks again. 

“Ah… a friend of mine was concerned, I guess they noticed how off I was. They told me to uh… try to get a checkup in a hospital just in case.” 

“And, well… Here I am, I guess? I got diagnosed with SFI.” 

“Is that all?” Renjun looks at the person behind the camera. “Oh, okay,” he gets up from his seat and makes a peace with both of his hands to the camera, “Peace out!

[02/11/2021]

“What is up, universe!” Renjun greets the camera. “It’s been a week since I got here, and it’s the same day everyday if I were to be honest.” 

“See that? They became darker, right?” He pulls the camera closer to his face, focusing on the bags underneath his eyes. “I’ve been, uh… losing more sleep, obviously.” 

“Oh, look who came to visit!” He turns the camera to the boy beside him. “Ta-da! Meet Liu Yangyang!” 

“Hello!” Yangyang greets the camera with a wave. 

“He’s a nursing student, so take note of his name! You might come across him soon.” 

“Oh! And he’s also the friend who told me to get myself checked up.” 

“We’ll be playing games on our phones now so I’ll update you guys later. Bye!” 

[02/18/2021]

“Guys… I’m fucked,” Renjun quickly covers his mouth after he realizes. “Am I allowed to say that?” 

“Anyway!” 

“It’s been two weeks and I think the paranoia is getting to me,” he whispers, as if he doesn’t want anyone in the room to hear him. “I’m losing my appetite too,” he adds, wearing a frown. 

“This sucks! I used to love rice cakes but I don’t even feel like finishing one right now.” 

“Shhh!!!” 

“Did you guys hear that too?” Renjun pulls the camera closer to him as he looks around his room, “I swear, there’s someone or something watching me…” 

“Is it a ghost? It’s probably a ghost or a spirit right?” He looks back at the camera. “What if a patient died in this room and they’re… out to get me! What if they want my body?!” 

“What was that?!” 

[02/25/2021]

“Oh my fucking god, you guys!” Renjun shakes the camera, screaming in a small voice as he jumps on his bed. 

“I know it’s not that big of a deal but!” Renjun grabs a pillow and hugs it. “I got to take a nap earlier and,” he punches the pillow out of excitement, “I think I just met the love of my life?” 

“God! He was gorgeous! He was wearing a leather jacket and we were in an arcade.” 

“We were on a date, I think?” Renjun says, hugging the pillow tightly as it hides his face. “We were also holding hands and… I felt butterflies, for real.” 

“I don’t remember his name though,” he shrugs, still hugging his pillow. “But he loves photography for sure, he’s got a camera with him there.” 

[03/04/2021]

“Hello,” Renjun greets the camera again. “Today marks the first month of my stay here, but Dr. Jeong said that my insomnia is two months old… Well, I guess I was stubborn about dragging myself into a hospital so… that explains it, I guess?” 

“Oh!” Renjun suddenly goes out of frame, then comes back with his hands full. “I got my brother to bring me my paints here,” he shows them his artworks in front of the camera. 

“Look! It’s my dream person!” 

Renjun shows the camera three different paintings - one with a person’s eyes and lashes, one was the lower part of face which were the nose and lips, and the last one was hands. 

“I don’t really remember his face as a whole, so I only sketched and painted the features I can remember when I wake up from my short naps.” 

“You guys know how hard is it to remember dreams, right? Like you need to take note or draw them the second you wake up while it’s still fresh,” he babbles, “It’s something like that.” 

“Oh, wait,” Renjun goes out of frame again, a faint knock echoing in the video. “I think Yangyang’s here. I’ll see you guys later!” 

[04/16/2021]

“Hey, guys!” Renjun greets the camera, eyes looking more tired than usual and sore. “I don’t look so good, do I?” 

“Yeah, I don’t think dark bags and thinner arms suit me too,” 

The room falls silent for a while. Renjun sniffles, staring at an empty space beside the camera for a few minutes. 

“Yangyang called me earlier,” he says, eyes still not looking into the camera, “he was… apologizing… and crying...” 

“I mean, I don't blame him!” He blurts out defensively, “I’d probably do the same thing too, you know? To avoid getting hurt,” 

“He probably got scared when he saw me like this,” Renjun tries to laugh it off, making his aura a bit lighter. “Maybe it hit him that I was… slowly dying…” 

“Oh… I don’t know why I’m crying,” he laughs as he wipes away the tears streaming down his face. 

“Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean to cry,” he quickly cuts the camera. 

[05/07/2021]

“Hi,” Renjun greets the camera again. “I think I can feel it getting worse.” 

“Insomnia in tandem with paranoia is such a bitch,” he says with his brows knitted together, one hand on his chest. “I just had my second panic attack for the day.” 

“Was living always this hard?” He asks the camera as he plops down on his bed. “Being sick sucks.” 

“I should’ve lived my life more before all this happened,” he whispers, loud enough to be caught on camera. “I should’ve spent more time with Sicheng hyung too.” 

“I feel so… bad for him,” Renjun sits up from his seat, “He keeps working and working to pay the bills here and I’m… wasting time?” 

“What should I be doing anyway?” He pulls the camera closer as he lays down on his bed. “I could help him work but Dr. Jeong won’t allow me.” 

“He said it’s too dangerous, that a panic attack might appear anytime of the day and kill me on the spot,” 

Renjun looks up at the ceiling, the room falling silent as he thinks. 

“Sicheng hyung, I’m sorry…” he faces the camera again, smiling a bit with an apologetic tone. “I promise to be healthy in my next life with you,” 

[06/11/2021]

“Okay, hello. I’m just here to say, what the fuck?” Renjun puts his hands on his head with a bashful look on his face. “This day felt so… unreal?” 

“I don’t know if it’s just my head fucking with me but… I think I saw a person that looks like my dream person?” 

“And here I thought today was gonna be a bad day,” he whispers to himself. 

“I mean, it was,” he quickly adds, “Hyung cried a lot today and I wish I could take all the hurt from him. But what the fuck?!” Renjun covers his face with his hand, feeling butterflies in his stomach. “What the fuck was that?! Oh my god, is the universe fucking with me right now?” 

“Actually, I don’t even know anymore. I’m probably rambling again,” He takes the camera, shrugging as his face turns red. 

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow, goodnight,”

[06/17/2021]

“He knows!” Renjun spins the camera around, “Oh my god, he knows!” 

“Am I still dreaming?” He pinches himself for a second, letting out an ‘ouch’ before he looks back at the camera. “Holy shit.” 

Renjun places the camera on a table as he sits on his bed, smiling like a fool. 

“He invited me to the garden today, his name is Jaemin - Jaemin, the same name as the grim reaper that’s been in my head!” 

“It felt like deja vu, really,” Renjun laughs at the camera. “He drew a tiny flower on his palm, and it was sooooo weird.” 

“It was so weird because,” he comes closer to the camera, whispering his next words. “The reaper showed me a picture of a flower too when I was feeling a bit down.” 

“Why did he do that? Was it a coincidence?” 

“He knows the tune I was humming too… he even cried the same way too…” 

“Do I sound crazy right now? I feel like I sound like someone who’s losing their mind,” 

“Oh shit,” he suddenly grabs the camera. “The camera’s dying! I forgot to charge the battery last night- oh, fuck. Bye!” 

[06/19/2021]

“I feel like I shouldn’t be this happy about seeing a friend tomorrow,” 

“But… I think I weirded him out a little earlier,” he sighs, tapping his temples after. “The hallucinations were at it again.” 

“It felt so real though,” he looks at the camera, expression lost and confused. “My room really felt like an ice rink for a brief moment, and it was like I was reliving one of my dreams - the one where I was teaching the reaper how to skate.”

“This is so tiring,” Renjun pushes his blonde hair back, inhaling the conditioned air. “How do I… not scare him off with all these hallucinations and panic attacks going on?”

“I sound pathetic,” he grumbles, showing the camera a bitter smile. “I guess this is what sleepless and lonely nights do to a person.”

Jaemin pauses the video, the hairs on his body standing up as he starts to breathe heavily.

What the fuck?

He senses the familiarity.

Right from the start at the drive’s name, it already gives him the idea of a person he might’ve known - a person he might’ve loved and cared for.

He hesitates to resume the video - to watch the rest of the videos - afraid to know what will happen to the boy. A sudden pang of guilt hit Jaemin, making him skim and scan the next few videos - his subconscious looking for a specific video in mind.

[06/20/2021]

“Can you believe he beat me at Uno?!”

[07/09/2021]

“I think a shooting star found its way to me.”

[07/12/2021]

“Look at the stars in my room!”

[07/18/2021]

“Announcement!” Renjun clasps his hands together. “Jaemin finally sees the world in my eyes!”

[07/21/2021]

“Have you guys tried falling asleep with someone playing with your hair before?” He asks, playing with his hair all smiley. “Because I just did last night.”

[07/29/2021]

“Guys… I’m falling in love.”

[08/06/2021]

“Sicheng hyung visited me today,” Renjun smiles, feet happily kicking in the air. “He talked to Jaemin earlier too.”

“Hyung told me that I’m lucky,” he blushes as red as a tomato. “Because the universe was able to let me meet someone like Jaemin amidst my misfortunes.”

[08/15/2021]

“Jaemin went out with his friends today!” 

“I look awful, don’t I?” The boy frowns at the camera, “Yeah, insomnia is not for me.”

Renjun stands up from his bed, losing a bit of his balance as walking around with the camera. “It feels like-”

The camera suddenly drops, cracking the lenses a bit as it shows the boy lying down on the hard floor.

For a moment, Jaemin mistakes the video for lagging or ending at that last second. But the video is actually still playing, seconds passing by while the screen remains the same - showing him with nothing but Renjun’s still body on the ground.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

“Renjun?” A familiar voice calls out, knocking on his door. “Renjun, are you there?”

…

…

“I’m gonna come in, okay?” The voice says, turning the doorknob as the door squeaks.

All of the hair in Jaemin’s body stands up, his eyes looking like they’re about to come out of his face, and he feels like throwing up as his stomach twists and turns.

Is that me? He asks himself, still in shock to see himself in the video - approaching Renjun.

“Renjun!” Jaemin quickly falls on the ground as soon as he sees the boy.

“Renjun?” He shakes the boy’s body softly, trying to wake him up. “Renjun!”

Jaemin starts to tremble, breathing heavily as he looks for something. He takes the lifeless boy in his arms, bringing Renjun with him as he stands up and grabs the nurse call button. Jaemin presses the button multiple times, tears visible as the light reflects on it while it falls down. He looks at the boy sleeping in his arms, kissing Renjun on his forehead after. Jaemin whispers something in his ear, cradling him close as he swings back and forth.

“Find your way back to me if you ever fall out of the sky, okay?” Jaemin subconsciously says underneath his breath, following the movement of his mouth in the video.

It surprised him - he surprised himself.

He breathes in, trying to calm his now trembling hands. The guilt keeps creeping in, crawling closer and closer as it drags along the big bag of regret with it. Jaemin shakes his whole body to calm his nerves down, skimming and scanning the next videos right after.

[08/16/2021]

“They said that… Jaemin might be in another coma…” Renjun says, head down with his hair covering his tired eyes.

“Was it my fault?” He faces the camera, eyes desperate for answers while his whole being is fidgeting, impatiently waiting for Jaemin to wake up.

[08/17/2021] 

“I know it’s just the second day but I hope he wakes up soon,” the boy says with a low tone.

“Nana, I miss you.”

[08/18/2021]

Renjun is shaking on his hospital bed, an oxygen mask is being held up to his mouth and nose as the nurses push his hair back out of his face. He’s a mess - sweat, tears and snot all over his face to his neck, his face and arms thinner and paler as before, and his voice hoarse and almost inaudible.

“Is he awake?” The boy asks, looking up to his doctor.

Dr. Jeong looks at him with teary eyes, “Renjun please think of yourself for once,”

Renjun softly hums, not really taking into mind what his doctor said because of his lightheadedness.

“Is he awake?” He asks again, “Please Dr. Jeong…”

Dr. Jeong shakes his head, “He’s still asleep.”

[08/19/2021]

“Have you heard what happened with Jaemin?” A nurse whispers to her fellow nurses, “They just confirmed that his old memories came back! Sad to say he lost the new ones he made here though.”

“So he’s finally being discharged?” Another nurse asks, sighing in disappointment. “Another eye candy gone!”

Renjun’s once lit up face dims black.

“Oh…”

“His old memories came back… but he lost his new ones…”

Jaemin pauses the video again, realizing that the video was when he woke up from his long and deep slumber.

Why didn’t you come up to me, Renjun?

Again, he skims and scans the next videos to avoid the guilt that’s weighing him down.

[09/04/2021]

“Did you guys know that Jaemin loves cuddles?”

[09/12/2021]

“I remember when Jaemin and I first saw each other in the hospital.”

[09/15/2021]

“If Jaemin would be a color, he’d probably be yellow.”

Guilt.

It weighs him down more than the riches of the world combined.

He can feel warm tears forming in the corners of his eyes, his temperature going up as well as the lump in his throat.

[09/17/2021]

“Do you think Jaemin thinks of me from time to-”

Renjun stalls for a good five seconds, blankly staring at the camera.

“Huh?”

…

“Who’s Jaemin?”

Renjun looks around his room, “Where am I? Why are there stars all over the place?”

[09/21/2021]

“Stop! Make it stop!” Renjun cries, screaming his lungs out as he tries to get out of his blankets. “Let go of me!”

He keeps screaming until his voice cracks and changes, aggressively kicking and moving his hands around, trying to untangle himself from the fabric.

[09/28/2021]

“Look who came to visit me!” Renjun says excitedly as he turns the camera into an empty space, “Mr. Na Jaemin!”

[10/04/2021]

“October 4th, year 2021,” a new voice says, tone blank and serious.

“Renjun, it’s time to eat,” the nurse places his meal on his table.

The boy looks at his plate with horrific eyes, kicking the table on impulse as his plate falls down and breaks.

“Who are you?!” He screams, voice almost breaking.

“Who are you and why did you put snakes there?!”

Renjun stands up on his bed, stepping backward as he falls down and cries. “Get them off me!” He cries out - almost breathless, holding onto his own neck like he’s trying to remove something. “Please! Get them off!” 

[10/06/2021]

Renjun greets the camera with a deadpan expression, eyes red and tired with darker and bigger bags under his eyes. He stares at the camera for a while, blinking from time to time as he tries to balance himself from sitting up.

“Renjun?” Dr. Jeong calls his name.

The boy hums in reply, still staring at the camera in front of him with no change of expression.

[10/14/2021]

“I-I” Renjun chokes on his tears, trembling again as another wave of his panic attacks comes at him. “I can’t b-breathe.” 

“I-”

“I-I-” 

“I can’t see my shooting star.” 

[10/18/2021]

Renjun stays mute for the next few minutes, staring blankly at the empty space beside him. He moves his hand slowly, patting the free space as he hangs his head low. The boy lifts his feet up, tilting his body as he lays himself down comfortably on his bed.

His fingers make their way to his head, gently stroking them as he closes his eyes. For the first time in a while, he smiles - brief and small - as he mouths something to the camera.

Jaemin breaks down, knowing damn well what Renjun said. He remembers it - the time when he stroked the boy’s hair to help him fall asleep, just as Renjun did in the video.

Sweet dreams, Na Jaemin.

The vision of the boy saying it repeats in his head, making him all red and out of breath from crying. He remembers it - the time he bids goodnight, just as Renjun did in the video.

Jaemin finally realizes it, everything comes back to him - old and new memories along with his past. He clenches onto his shirt as he tries to breathe in some air, he throws his head back and covers his eyes with his free arm.

“I do like flowers, Jaemin.”

“Boo! You’re missing out on all the fun!”

“I did it again, didn’t I?”

“Beginner’s luck.”

“Probably the sunsets I’ve seen with you?”

“Are you… blushing?”

“Huang Renjun’s name will live on!”

It pains him.

It pains him to remember all of his memories now that Renjun is gone. It pains him to hear that sweet voice of his echo inside his mind, laughing and screaming with excitement. But it pains him even more to remember how cold Renjun’s hands were to touch, how he looked as good as a corpse - thin and pale - and how he tiptoes his way on the thread of life and death. He cries even more when he remembers the way Renjun first looked at him - with eyes so alive and fiery despite such dark bags underneath them.

So that’s why I always feel immense guilt and sadness tied to your name.

Jaemin screams. He screams and screams as his voice runs dry, tears soaking his shirt and sheets as if it’s pouring rain inside his room.

Because no matter how hard I try - whatever universe we are in - I am fated to meet you with the regret of not saving you.

Fate and destiny, where the universe is either with you or against you.

Maybe the two were always fated to meet - fated to stay and fated to fall - and maybe Renjun was fated to die every single lifetime.

But would anything change if the two didn’t meet? Would it save Renjun? Jaemin would like to think of it like that if it means saving the other, even if it means not meeting the one he’s meant to fall in love with.

Unfortunately, fate doesn’t work like that. No one can ever change their fate, but one can always change their destiny. It just so happens that Renjun was fated to die, fated to meet him and fall, but isn’t destined to die in his arms this lifetime.

But unlike the other universes, Jaemin was destined to save him in this one.

💫

He looks at himself again for the fifth time in the mirror, practicing his smile in front as he tries to shake his nervousness off. The sounds of the water running stop, leaving the room so be as quiet as a mouse. He pushes his back hair, fixing it with wax carefully so he won’t get any on his well-pressed black suit.

He definitely matured - his jawline being more sharp and prominent, his cheeks being skinnier which exposes his cheekbones, and his physique is now broader and taller.

“You’ve come a long way, Jaemin.”

Jaemin shoots himself a smile - a smile that anyone would be easily charmed by and a smile that people would remember prettily.

He walks out of the men’s comfort room, the cold air quickly making its way inside his suit as the tapping sound of his black leather shoes echo through the hallway.

“Everyone, let’s give a round of applause to Dr. Na Jaemin!”

The sounds of people clapping fills the room as he enters, the white beam of light finding its way to him.

“He’s not only the doctor of the year 2030,” the speaker continues, sipping on his glass of champagne for a bit before he goes on. “But he also found the cure in one of the rare diseases we face today.”

“Fatal Insomnia, the sleeping curse.”

Jaemin smiles at the crowd around him, taking the glass offered to him as the spotlight reflects on its crystal-like surface. “Thank you. Thank you,” he raises his glass to his colleagues. “I wouldn’t have found it without the help of someone.”

“Oh?” The speaker teases him, raising a brow with a smirk on his face. “Someone? Are they someone special?”

The crowd cheers and whistles, their adrenaline rushing in with the alcohol as they listen to a heated topic of the hospital’s golden boy.

“Yes,” Jaemin answers, making the crowd roar with excitement.

The speaker laughs, feeling butterflies fluttering around his stomach. “Can we know their name?” He asks.

Jaemin nods, looking at his reflection painted golden on his glass. He smiles at the thought of his lover - at the thought of people finally knowing his name, and how he wants his name to be remembered. Jaemin looks back at the crowd, heart happy as he breathes the cold air in.

“You’ll see his name tomorrow all over the website.”

The crowd’s reactions vary - some are excited, smiling until it reaches their eyes while some are slightly disappointed, expecting to hear a special name tonight. He smiles at how the crowd reacted, teasing them with his unrevealed lover.

“His name is worth the wait,” Jaemin adds as he chuckles.

“He was always worth the wait.” 

💫 

Neo News just posted a new article!

Fatal Insomnia: The Sleeping Curse

June 15, 2030

Fatal insomnia is an extremely rare hereditary or sporadic prion disorder that causes difficulty in sleeping, motor dysfunction, and eventually, death. It usually starts out gradually and worsen over time, killing its victim slowly with insanity.

It has two types: (1) Familial Fatal Insomnia - occurs because of genetics, and (2) Sporadic Fatal Insomnia - occurs randomly with or without an abnormal variant present in the the prion-related protein (PRPN) gene.

Read more…

Cure found on the 11th of June, year 2030 by Huang Renjun and Na Jaemin, M.D..