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“Hey sis. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say here. Jay says he comes down here a lot. That it helps. My therapist agreed it might be good for me to try it too. So here I am.”
Kai stares out across the water, unsure. Waves crash rhythmically below, seemingly unaware of his existence. He isn’t sure what he was expecting to happen. It’s the ocean. Even if Nya was listening, it’s not like the ocean can respond.
This whole thing felt weird. It doesn’t help that he’s not entirely comfortable standing here. The fact that the only thing separating him from a watery doom were the old wooden planks of the pier was not an appealing one. He wants nothing more than to turn right around and head home. Nobody would blame him, especially knowing how uncomfortable water made him.
But he’s not going to do that. When he’d agreed to get help, it meant he’d also agreed to actually do the things that might help, however stupid he thought they were. Or however uncomfortable he was. He just had to get ahold of himself long enough to say he actually tried.
‘Deep breaths.’ Kai thinks to himself. ‘In for four, out for eight. Just like LeAnne taught you. You can do this’
A few minutes of breathing later and his nerves are calmed enough that he can sit cross-legged on the pier.
“Sorry about that. This is…weird. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing. Water isn’t exactly my thing either. But hey, what else is new?” He chuckles sadly, gazing out to sea once more. “I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but I miss you. I really really miss you. It’s been more than a year now, since you left. It’s been...difficult to say the least. You were my rock. You were always there for me, through everything, no matter what. You’d become such a constant that losing you felt like losing a part of myself. I didn’t realize how much I relied on you until you were gone.I didn’t know what to do next. I was lost, I was confused, I was scared.”
Kai pauses, thinking. “I was angry too, you know. For a really long time. At you, for making the choice you did. At myself, for not being able to do anything. At the situation, for requiring you to make that sacrifice, and at Jay for...well I’m not really sure. I guess I didn’t know how to deal with everything so I ended up taking it out on him and everyone else around me. It was definitely the worst with Jay though. He and I fought a lot. Once that started...everything kind of fell apart. I left the team for a while.”
Just thinking of that fight made him want to shrivel up with guilt. He’d said some horrible things to Jay the day he left. They both had, but at least Jay hadn’t essentially wished him dead.
“I’ll spare you the details but it...it wasn’t pretty. There was a good chunk of time that I was sure our friendship was never going to recover. Things are better now, but I feel like I should apologize to you anyways. I know us fighting is the last thing you would have wanted to see. So, I’m sorry. It was far from my proudest moment.”
He lapses into silence once more. It's not that he doesn't have more to say (because much to his surprise, he does). It’s that there’s too much to say. He doesn’t know where he wants to go next. Eventually, he lands on the words he wants.
“You’ll be glad to know that Jay and I are doing a lot better now. I’m doing a lot better, too. I’ve got a therapist. Oh! And I’m back with the team. I don’t really do missions anymore though. I mostly do weapons. And sometimes I help Pixal run support. It’s nice. She-she’s nice. We’ve gotten really close since I got back. But that’s a story for another time.”
“Anyways. Things are getting a little easier, especially when I have others to help. Don’t get me wrong-we all still have a long way to go. Jay and I still argue sometimes. I don’t like it but we’re both still struggling. It happens. There are some days I know Cole doesn’t get out of bed. Lloyd is more reckless than I remember him being and sometimes Zane just doesn’t want to talk. There are days I'm so angry I have to leave so I don’t accidentally burn the monastery down. It’s hard, this whole ‘moving on’ thing. But I’m trying. Things are getting better. And I’m finally starting to believe that maybe, eventually, I’ll be okay without you.”
Kai pushes himself to his feet. A single tear tracks it’s way down his face.
“I’ll probably never stop looking for a way to bring you back to us. But if not, I think I’ll make it out okay. Just promise me you’ll live your best life. Wherever you are. I’m going to try and do the same. Okay?”
The sea doesn’t answer. Kai casts one more look at it before he turns and makes his way back towards the shore. There is a figure waiting for him there.
“So was it as bad as you thought it was gonna be?”
“It was weird. But not awful.”
“Well that’s better than nothing, right?”
“Mmm. Maybe next time you come down here, I can come with you? We could talk to her together”
Jay smiles at him. “I think I would like that.”