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Wano’s free, Kaido's reign of terror ended, CP0 ran away, and everything finally calmed down.
The whole country is thrilled, normally, wholeheartedly thanking their brave samurai and the foreigners that helped on the battle despite being pirates.
Almost everyone is hurt. Beyond hurt, mostly. Some people haven’t regained consciousness for days now, others can’t move a millimeter without hurting, some have lighter injuries but are still injured.
Almost everyone is hurt, except for Sanji.
Sanji is completely intact.
Yeah, he’d been smeared with blood and rubble all over the battle, but injuries-wise, he’s all clear.
He’s glad that means he can at least help the thousands of injured people with his cooking, but that doesn’t mean he’s fine with it.
He tries his best not to let it show, but deep inside, it sickens him.
Because it shouldn’t be like that. It’s never been like that.
Because he’s supposed to be human.
Because his body’s not supposed to be like theirs .
He hides the ugly feeling that makes a home in his head.
He reassures everyone they’ll be fine in no time thanks to his nutritive and healing meals.
Sanji tries to be himself despite everything going through his head, he thinks it’d be utterly selfish of him to go and make others worry just because of his own insignificant problems.
And so he cooks, and he helps Chopper and the local doctors tend wounds and look over the injured. He makes sure there’s always supplies for anyone who needs them, he assists with cleaning up the destruction the war left. He helps in any way he can in order to keep his mind occupied.
Sanji also tries to smile through it all because in the end everything worked out just fine.
They lost many people, but they’d been ready to die the minute they stepped in Onigashima’s land, which means they’d died with bravery and honor. He smiles through it all because these people who have suffered for so long are finally free, and all they need right now is support and comfort as they get to start mending their wounded country. He smiles through it all because everyone already has enough to worry about and his thoughts are just an issue for him.
He smiles through it all because he thinks he can handle it without any issues, it’s not like he’s not used to it anyways.
—
It’s been two weeks and Sanji's absolutely dealing with it just fine.
Most of the crew is almost healed, there’s still some bones that are still broken, or burns and scratches that’ll take some more time to disappear, but they’re healing nonetheless.
And Sanji’s still dealing with his thoughts by himself.
Because well, all of them had fought as passionately as him against the beast pirates. All of them had done more than enough and needed their own time to heal.
Sanji deeply believes his loved ones specially, don’t deserve any more trouble thrown their way. So he decides it’s best not to make them worry with the hell that’s going through his mind, he’s burdened them enough with his personal issues with the Whole Cake Island fiasco.
So Sanji busies himself and keeps helping in every way he can.
He cooks them their three daily meals, a snack after each one included. He cleans the Sunny whenever a speck of dirt dares to touch its mythical wood. He even prepares their baths methodically.
He practically tries to comply with their every request.
Because he can help them.
Because he’s standing completely unbothered while they’re all glued to the infirmary’s beds.
It’s not that Sanji wanted to be injured, unmovable and aching like his crewmates or the allied samurais, it was definitely not that.
It’s because pain has been an affirmation of how ‘human’ he is, it’s something he should be able to feel.
So of course Sanji’s still put off by the lack of it.
Because he remembered the pain that had plagued him when Queen’s attacks hit. And how unsettling it had been when those same attacks didn’t seem to cause even the slightest tickle.
As the thoughts start building up and spiralling on his mind, Sanji shakes his head as if trying to make them go away.
He’s tired of the echoing laughs of his brothers on his head, telling him how he’s ‘one of them’ now. He’s tired of imagining is father’s sadistic and proud grin, which he remembers seeing from afar only, not even once directed at him, it sickens him thinking how elated the man would be to know his little ‘experiments' ended up being all successful ones.
He takes a deep breath, trying to make the thoughts go away once more.
He was in the middle of preparing some drinks, perfectly crafted to satiate each crew member’s tastes, when Chopper appeared.
Sanji turned to look at him and smiled, “I was just about to bring you all some drinks. You’re always working so hard, go lay down and don’t force yourself, i’ll be done in just a minute, okay?”.
The blonde had expected the reindeer to blush and chant happily, but instead Chopper’s eyebrows furrowed with worry.
He kept looking at Sanji wordlessly, fiddling with his tiny hooves.
Sanji found it weird, he quickly started worrying.
“Oi… is something wrong? What is it, Chopper?”, panic subtly tinted his words, he approached Chopper almost hysterically, immediately kneeling in front of the doctor.
Chopper shook his head, easing Sanji's impromptu panic a bit.
Before Sanji could question him any further, Chopper timidly said, “Are you alright?”. His eyes were big and suddenly watery, his mouth wobbled a bit. “We’re… worried about you, Sanji”
Sanji startled, falling on his ass where he’d been kneeling in front of chopper just a second ago.
Am I alright? He questioned himself on his mind. The thoughts that started to appear in his head were enough of an answer for the question.
No. I’m a monster just like them. Vinsmoke Sanji. Monster. MONSTER .
He tried to talk, tried to say he was absolutely fine — Chopper had checked his body himself, so he should know he’s fine, great even— , tried to tell him not to worry about him because ‘it’s nothing, really’ . But his voice didn’t cooperate. His head just wouldn’t shut up.
I could hurt them. What if the power’s’ awakening isn’t over yet? I could become an unfeeling monster like them. I don’t deserve this worry. I’m rotten, just like them. I’m a Vinsmoke.
His body kept betraying him. He wheezed a strained, “I’m fine”, but then his eyes burned as tears stained his cheeks continuously. He tried to wipe them off harshly but they kept falling and falling, unstoppable like a broken dam.
He tried to reassure Chopper once more, it’s nothing really, but his throat was constricted. He coughed and cried brutally, to the point where his body shook entirely and Chopper had to drag him to the couch on his strong point form, bringing a bucket with him so Sanji could empty his almost empty stomach in there.
Sanji’s breath was laboured, his ears rung, both his throat and his head burned, his eyes stung from the unceasing tears.
Through his falling apart, he hadn’t even noticed when the others had entered the galley.
They were now standing in front of the couch, eyeing him with concern as Sanji pathetically broke down.
Chopper was also crying, Sanji could faintly hear his tiny sobs and chants of ‘Sanji, breathe’ and ‘please stop pulling your hair so harshly, you’re gonna rip it off’.
Breathe, his hazed mind tried to follow Chopper’s instructions.
Five minutes later, he finally got his breath under control, but his body kept trembling slightly and against his will.
After taking a last deep breath, he looked at Chopper, trying to give him a reassuring smile, “sorry about that Chopper, it’s nothing, really! Don’t know what came over me just now”, Sanji didn’t want to face the rest of his nakama, embarrassed because they’d seen him in such a state.
He silently and wobbly stood up, head glued to the floor as he made his way to the kitchen.
He was stopped by a stretched arm blocking his path.
Sanji didn’t want to look at the owner of said arm. He grabbed his hair in frustration.
“Sanji”, was all Luffy said before the blonde was pulled into a bone crushing group hug.
Stretchy limbs circled his head, a grounding warmth pressed to his back as muscular arms he knew too well settled on his waist, two sets of soft and delicate arms and one of firmer lean tanned ones found his torso, bone caressed his hair tenderly, soft fur was pressed snuggly to his legs, and a pair of boxy mechanical arms and one of smooth blue tinted ones held them all close together.
Sanji didn’t know how to react, until luffy stated firmly, “You’re not alone, Sanji”.
And suddenly oh . Something clicked within him. They do care about me. It’s fine to ask for help if it’s them.
He thought he’d already cried too much, yet he started crying again. Uglily and broken as his nakamas did nothing but hold him close.
“I'm sorry… I just-… I don't… I don't wanna be a monster like… them. I fucking… hate it. I’m not-“, he tried to say, voice cracking at every word because of the intense sobs.
He kept being hugged tightly, trying to reassure him, to ground him.
“Do you feel the warmth of our hug?” Robin asked sweetly, calmly, always knowing what to say. She didn’t know what it meant to feel like you’ll lose yourself any second, but she sure is familiar with the hardness of bottling things up, that’s something she deeply understands and has in common with their dear cook.
Sanji nodded slightly, still trying to stop the sobs.
“Do you feel bad about something within yourself?”, she continued.
Sanji nodded frantically this time, “I feel like shit, I'm so… disgusted. And I’m so… scared I-”, he cried, body completely giving up on him then, still standing only because of the arms holding him tightly.
Robin hummed, a hand sprouting to caress his hair along Brook’s bony one.
“Then you shouldn’t feel that way. Because you’re still you, aren’t you?”, her soothing voice affirmed, “you still feel our warmth, you still feel your own pain, you still feel like you shouldn’t share these ugly thoughts and emotions with us, don’t you? You’re still our unbelievably kind and amazing cook, Sanji, who worries about everyone’s happiness and well being even when you’re the one that’s actually hurting the most”, she concluded, making Sanji burst into tears once again.
“You’re not like them. And you’ll never be like them, Sanji” Luffy tightened his arms around the blonde’s neck, the finality of his words a reassuring melody to Sanji's troubled head.
He weakly nodded. Trying really hard to believe those words himself, just like everyone else seemed to do.
He does feel the warmth his nakamas give him. He does feel the emotional pain from his turbulent thoughts. He does feel .
He knows he’s not fine just yet, it had taken him years to ease his mind after he escaped Germa, he knows it’ll take him some time to ease his mind from the thoughts of the upgrades and similarities with his brothers’ bodies he now shares.
But knowing his nakamas will be there to remind him of how human he still is, and how much they still love him despite everything, lessens the pain at least a little bit.
He knows it’ll be a long journey until he comes to terms with the lack of pain, he knows it’ll take some time until he can look in the mirror and not feel nauseous because his eyebrows now curl the other way like theirs , he thinks there’s at least a tiny possibility that he keeps changing either for the best or for the worst and it scares him shitless, but despite all that he now looks forward to when he can finally feel like himself again, because he knows he won’t be alone.
They let him cry a bit more and when he finally calms down he gets scolded by Chopper because ‘I know Sanji hasn’t been sleeping and eating properly, the dark circles under your eyes gave you away!’ , and gets sent to sleep immediately, informed Robin will cook him breakfast when he wakes up, ‘don’t even try to wake up as early as always to cook or clean’.
Sanji isn’t brave enough to tell them he’s afraid of whatever scenario his subconscious will sadistically create the second he falls asleep.
He’s guided to the boys room.
Apparently he doesn’t need to tell them he hasn’t been sleeping because it’s hard , as they all flop around his bunk the second he takes off his shoes and lays down.
Even the girls have made the sacrifice of entering the boys vulgar room, just for his sake.
“We won’t be going anywhere, you sleep, yeah?” Luffy sends his brightest smile his way.
Sanji only nods, huffing a soft and fond laugh at being treated with such care and worry by his nakamas.
He feels Zoro grab his hand and squeeze it gently, placing a kiss on his knuckles, trying to communicate they’ll definitely always be here for him.
The cook squeezes back, understanding, and they let go.
The soft playful muttering of Luffy, Usopp, Chopper, and Brook (who can never stay quiet), followed by several scoldings from Nami, Franky and Robin, Zoro’s ‘tch’, and Jinbei’s hard-to-conceal fond laugh lull him to sleep.
And for the first time in two weeks Sanji's mind is free.
Instead of sadistic laughs and towering, condescending glances, he dreams of an endless clear blue ocean. He’s cooking a variety of fishes he’s never seen before, and he’s met by the sunny and eager-to-dig-in smiles of his crewmates.
He’s stubborn and he’s still scared, but knowing he has his nakamas to help him carry and get over this burden makes everything at least a bit less painful.
He smiles in his sleep.