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Han could not believe he agreed to this. Sure, he liked to think of himself as an open minded guy. Look at the people he hung around with after all— the twins of Vader himself, one of whom was a snarky little know it all and the other who was a bumbling farm boy too good hearted for his own good. Han of the past never would have spent more than two minutes with either one, but, well, he’s changed. Become a better person. Or at least, he’s tried to.
Sure, he was no angel. He knew that. He wasn’t going to pretend that he was even close. And he certainly had his limits for what he was willing to do, even when faced with two pairs of puppy dog eyes from the galaxy’s most annoying pair of twins.
Yes, he had his limits. And hosting Boba kriffing Fett and his husband and baby for Life Day was certainly one of them.
He took some deep breaths as he stood in the kitchen, trying to brace himself. He loved Luke and Leia but how did they manage to talk him into this? How did they even want to do it themselves? Boba hadn’t exactly been all sugar sweet to them in the past either. Hell, how did Boba agree— Luke had been the one to knock his sorry ass into the sarlacc, after all.
It was insanity. Pure insanity. They wanted to get together and pretend to be one happy family because of some stupid little baby who just so happened to be one of Luke’s student at his pet project of a school. Sure, other families would be there with their kids too. But that didn’t negate the fact that Boba Fett would be sitting among them.
It was all made worse by the fact that him and Leia were arguing. Again. He didn’t understand it— he didn’t know why it was so easy to argue with her when he loved her, when he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She was infuriating and stuck up and cold at times and it made Han want to pull his hair out. But she was passionate, too, and funny and beautiful and strong and amazing.
He was so screwed.
True, this argument had been... particularly bad. He may or may not have accidentally insulted her parents. The ones that her actual dear daddy had blown to pierces before her very eyes. Those ones.
It had been a joke and a barb and it was tasteful and bad and he didn’t mean it but it had just flown out and—
Well. She was pissed. And now Han has to put up with that and Boba Fett and his little family.
Han glanced around before grabbing the bottle of wine Luke had received from one of his other guests, popping the cork, and taking a healthy swig. It wasn’t bad, so he took another one, just for good measure. He needed this, he told himself. If he was going to go out and face Boba Fett, whatever idiot decided to marry him, and their probably very ugly child.
Calm down, Han, he tried to tell himself. He shouldn’t stoop to bullying children. Not without good cause, at least. Han sighed and closed his eyes, tipping the bottle back again. He had a bad feeling about this.
——
Of course the dinner went well. And of course their child was adorable.
The little squirt was kind of a monster, which Han respected. He demanded attention and food and love and he got it, if only because his eyes seemed to pierce into your soul. For the first half of the dinner the kid’s dad— Boba Fett’s kriffing husband— spooned bite after bite into the kid’s mouth. Han almost thought that he would never be full, but eventually he squirmed around in the universal I’m done and I want to play way, and the shiny Mando made a half hearted attempt to clean him up before setting him down to run off with the other kids.
Boba Fett had barely looked in his direction during the dinner. Probably for the best, too. When Han found himself sitting right across from his little family (he blamed Luke for the seat setting), he got a stern look from the supposedly ex-bounty hunter that screamed don’t start anything and I won’t either. Han decided to take this to heart, mostly because he got some satisfaction of seeing those sarlacc scars covering the man’s body. Served him right, for what he did. And no, Han did not feel bad. Not one bit.
Leia was sitting next to him but pointedly not talking to him, engaging in discussion with the family next to her instead about some boring trade agreements that had just been signed. Always networking, wasn’t she.
Bored, Han’s gaze went around the table until they landed on the shiny Mando. No name yet. No face, either. Han had assumed that the man simply hadn’t had the time to take his helmet off because he was so busy feeding the demanding kid in his lap. But now that the kid was off playing with the rest of the ankle biters, the man was just sitting there, helmet still on, looking like he was half listening to the conversations around him.
“Not hungry?” Han asked, half a challenge, half a genuine question. The man’s helmet turned to him and Han couldn’t help but feel unsettled but he cold black gaze of his visor.
“Kriff off,” Boba said before the man had a chance to respond, and okay, that was uncalled for.
But Han had been itching for a fight anyways. Well, maybe not a fight, but a little friendly spat couldn’t hurt, right? If they were all pretending to be family now, that included the dramatic Lifeday arguments, too. Plus, hopefully Leia would notice and finally say something to him, even if it was just to yell at him to stop.
Han put on his best fake smile and held his hands up in mock surrender. “Hey! No need to get defensive,” he soothed, and he could practically see Fett’s hackles raise. “I was just concerned, that’s all. Does he not have a mouth or something? Is that why you’re talking for him? Listen, I have nothing against human and droid relationships.” Boba let out a growl and Han tried very hard not to laugh.
“Or is it just that he’d ugly as kark under there?” Han asked innocently, despite knowing that his words were practically a declaration of war. He felt Leia tense next to him and tried not to feel smug at the knowledge that she had been listening, that if things were going to escalate she would interfere, and he braced himself for Fett’s expected outrage but—
Nothing.
Han blinked in surprise as he watched shiny Mando place a hand on Fett’s arm and lean in, murmuring something he couldn’t hear. Fett let out an annoyed sound but actually relaxed, his fists unclenching as he reached instead for his wine, taking a healthy sip before snapping, “If you don’t shut your mouth soon a Geonosian might make a nest inside.”
Han shut his mouth.
“I ate before, so I’m not very hungry,” the shiny Mando said, and Han’s mouth fell open again because he hadn’t really expected him to talk, especially in such a civil way. It seemed like Boba had found someone to cool his hot head. Maybe crawling out of a sarlacc helped too. “I may be hungry again for dessert.”
Boba seemed to look at him in surprise then in a sickening sweet kind of adoration, and Han watched in disgust as he picked the man’s hand up and pressed a kiss to it.
Gross. When Han turned to Leia to share his thoughts, though, she had already turned away.
Great.
Well. If Boba had an ugly husband who was too embarrassed to show his face that was on him. His options were probably pretty limited after getting digestive juices all over the place. Han would like to see his face, to make fun of it a bit and also to brag about how amazing Leia looked in comparison. Maybe a little flattery would get her to warm up to him.
But none of that happened. The helmet stayed on and Leia’s back stayed turned and Han finished up his dinner by drinking too much and wallowing in his misery.
——
Dessert was served in another room, cozier with stuffed chairs and fireplaces. There was no more wine, unfortunately, but plenty of caff and tea and pie and cake and cookies to go around.
Han had tried talking to Leia again, grabbing her arm as she darted through the kitchen, but all he got in response was a withering glare and cold, cold silence.
Fine, then.
Han was going to get her attention one way or another. It wasn’t like she had the moral high ground here, either. She had done petty things to her Han’s attention before. Like, for instance, kissing her brother.
Good times.
If an argument with Fett wasn’t going to work, then maybe he would pull a page out of her book then.
The lights were low in the room and the atmosphere was nice. Everyone had retreated after dinner to nap and change into more comfortable clothes and as Han scanned the room he took in the dozing children and happy, smiling families.
No, he was not jealous. Not at all.
Fett was nowhere to be seen, which was probably for the best. He wasn’t Han’s target now, anyways. He was simply looking for a semi-attractive single parent to hit on. Loudly. And preferably within Leia’s line of sight.
Leia was in a corner, sitting with Luke and adorable holding a mug to her face, blowing on it to cool it down. Han wanted to kiss her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and snatch her up and beg forgiveness and promise to never say anything so stupid and heartless again.
But he had his pride. And like hell was he going to do any of that in front of an audience. Leia would probably brush him off again and he would be humiliated and depressed and he didn’t want that, he just wanted to be happy with her like the rest of these idiotic love drunk families.
It seemed like everybody had someone. Everyone was holding hands or cuddling or chatting with someone else, smiling and sipping their drinks and winding down after a good long day. Han was beginning to lose hope in his plan when his eyes landed on the perfect target.
He was sitting alone, in dark, unassuming clothes. He kept glancing around nervously— no, shyly, his eyes darting around at everything then down again. He had big old puppy dog eyes and curly messy hair and scruffy facial hair that made him look like a stray that had wandered in by mistake. Cute, not exactly Han’s type, but certainly attractive enough for the job.
He was sitting right by Luke and Leia, which was perfect. And, Han noticed, he had no drink in his hands. Feeling excited, Han scooped up two mugs and marched over there, purposefully stepping in front of Leia so that she would have to look at him. He could practically feel her eyes boring into him as he went to stand over the man, who stared up at him in confusion.
“Hey there, sweet stuff. Couldn’t help that you were here all alone,” he started, and he reveled in how the man’s eyes widened in surprise and a blush spread over his cheeks. “Mind if I cozy up with you for a drink?” He purred, pushing all of the charisma as he possibly could into those words.
Dead silence. Then Han felt a heavy hand on his shoulder and he turned to see Boba Fett staring at him, his face oddly red.
“Um, can I help y—?”
He didn’t even get to finish his sentence before Boba Fett burst out laughing . Full out laughing. He didn’t think he had ever seen this man laugh before so it was confusing. And horrible because Han knew he was laughing at him.
And what was worse was that Luke and Leia were joining. Luke was at least trying to muffle his laughter in his hands but Leia was practically crying, her head thrown back. And Han couldn’t help but focus on that, on how pretty she looked, at how wonderful it was to see her smiling and enjoying herself after almost a full day of the cold shoulder.
Even if it was at him. But... why exactly were they laughing at him?
He turned to the man in confusion but he had ducked his head, hiding his face slightly in the oversized robes he was wearing. Black robes. Very... familiar looking robes.
Kriff.
“I’m glad you think my husband isn’t too ugly for you to hit on him,” Boba gasped out, raising a hand to wipe a tear from his eye. Han’s face felt very, very hot. “Um,” he said, because for once in his life words were actually failing him. He stared down at the soft puppy dog of a man that had been hiding behind all that shiny armor and who currently looked like he was trying to disappear admits all the laughter and tried to think of a way to apologize without sounding like a huge ass. “Uh.”
“You’re an idiot,” he heard then, and he whirled around to see Leia smiling at him, her eyes twinkling, and Han gave her a cautious smile and she nodded and he practically stumbled over to her, offering her a mug of tea even though she already had one.
“Please tell me someone recorded that,” Boba was saying, falling into the seat next to his husband and slinging an arm around him and maybe, just maybe Han felt a little less disgusted and a little more aw, they’re kind of cute as he watched them nuzzle into each other. He blamed it on how warm and fuzzy he was feeling now that Leia had wound her own arm around him, squeezing his side and giving him a look that said we’re going to talk later, but let’s enjoy this for now.
And Han did. It was even worth the merciless teasing he got from Boba Fett later on. And from Luke. And from Leia. But hey, not from Din, which turned out to be shiny Mando’s name. He actually seemed pretty alright.
Han supposed he could live with playing house with everyone. As long as it only happened a couple times of year. And as long as he made sure he knew exactly who he was flirting with to make Leia jealous.
And hey, as bad as that was... at least Han could say he’s never kissed his own brother.