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Sun Don’t Shine In Chinatown

Summary:

Saiki Kusuo did not sign up for this shounen anime protagonist bullshit. Kaidou, on the other hand, very much did.

Alternatively: What if the Dark Reunion was real?

Notes:

This fic is quite literally crack treated seriously. And I mean /seriously/. Although the theme in general is more lighthearted fun, the story’s focus sometimes gets very plot heavy and a tiny but dark. So if you are looking for a pure lighthearted crack fic this may not be the one for you :’)

Also I think Jeff Bezos will make an appearance somewhere along the line.

If you find any canonical inaccuracy (other than the obvious), no you didn’t.

That being said my writing skills are subpar unfortunately.

Enjoy! (or at least pretend to in the comments)

Chapter 1: A Completely Unnecessary Prologue

Chapter Text

Psychic Log #1 - About Third Ears

The first weakness of Saiki’s telepathy is that it only allowed him to listen to people’s inner voices. If they weren’t monologuing in their head, Saiki couldn’t hear their thoughts.

People sometimes act on impulse or make sudden decisions in time of high emotions, with no thought - these situations, although mostly harmless, have potential to be dangerous. The erratic nature of these events made them hard for Saiki to prevent.

People who acted purely on feelings, i.e. absolute airheads, were virtually undetectable to him.

That damn Nendou.

The second weakness of Saiki’s telepathy is that he could only hear thoughts and not the emotions or intention behind them.

For example, a woman sitting across her boss who is throwing a tantrum could think, “I’m gonna kill him.” It’s up to Saiki’s common sense based on the situation to determine whether that’s literal or not.

The third weakness of Saiki’s telepathy was that, just like normal hearing, it got overwhelmed. When too many people were around their thoughts overlapped over each-others making it hard to distinguish or detect individuals.

It’s akin to standing in a crowded restaurant, where you can hear everyone all at once but not what anyone is saying.

As Kusuke would describe it - his ability is less actual ‘telepathy’ and more like ‘the third eye of the ears.’

“They mystical third ear.”
‘Telepathy.’
Whatever.

********************

As established, it’s really up to Saiki’s basic cognition to determine reality from other people’s perception of reality.

Or in laymen terms - Use brain to figure out truth.

So that being the case, any person with even half a pint of common sense would sum up Kaidous inner (and outer - unfortunately for everyone) narrative to delusional bullshit.

So what in gods name is Saiki supposed to think when Kaidou is standing in front of him with literal black feathery wings spouting out from his back like some sort of angel that frequents the Harajuku Hot Topic.

What he’s supposed to think is “what the fuck.”

So that’s exactly what he thinks.

What the actual fuck.