Chapter Text
30 SEPT 2186
“Shepard,” Garrus’s gravelly tones greet her. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
He sounds the same as he always does, as if nothing had changed. Since he'd come back yesterday, things had been… not uncomfortable, per say, but definitely… different. Ever since Liara returned and she and Shepard had made up, breaking things off— No. She can’t let herself think about it too much, lest she fall into another emotionally confused self-loathing spiral.
Though what she called to say might just start an even worse one.
She wasn’t expecting to be taken aback just at the sound of his voice, but the way his subvocals resonate through her head made her shudder where she lie in bed, and her already weakened walls begin to crumble. Having just a little too much to drink will do that to you.
“Actually… I… I miss you.” The words almost stick in her throat, taking their sweet time to be said. They're met with silence on the other end of the line.
“Shepard…” She can nearly hear the gears whirring in Garrus’s head. A pause, and then a sigh. “You know that isn’t fair.”
“I’m not saying it is,” she admits, running a stray hand through her hair. What the hell is she even trying to accomplish here? She shuffles onto her side, gazing blankly at the fish tank across the room. “…I just…” Just what? She imagines him sitting in his quarters, picking at his pants (not that he was ever out of armor), maybe holding onto a glass of turian brandy. The thought almost makes her smile. “I don’t want things to be…weird, I guess.” Another pause. Not seeing his face makes it easier for the next words to just tumble out. “Garrus… I don’t want to lose you.”
More silence meets her, and she covers her face in embarrassment and shame. You’re the one that got yourself into this, Asteria. This is your fault. You can’t just expect things to be the same after you fucked everything over. You made your bed. It isn’t as if she's wrong, after all. She had decided to leave Liara behind and pursue Garrus after coming back, she made the first move, she had (not exactly) led him on, and then she knowingly made the choice to break his heart and rekindle her and Liara’s relationship at the first opportunity. She cared for them, both of them, but… she almost felt she owed it to Liara after everything the asari had done for her, risking everything to bring her back.
She winces at the thought. No, she chose Liara. It shouldn’t, couldn’t have been out of obligation, Liara would never let herself be humiliated like that. She loves her, genuinely— that, she's never doubted. They had more history, they chose each other and Garrus, just… didn’t make the cut. God, that hurts even more.
She does still want him.
Quietly, a thought nudges at the back of her mind, and in her haze she almost acknowledges it. Ever since Liara brought up the… suggestion, Shepard's done her damned best to not think about it. Things are already complicated enough, she doesn't need to throw juggling two relationships into the mix. Could she even handle that?
Though, that's kind of what she's doing right now, huh? She groans internally.
The quiet moment grows longer until finally, finally Garrus clears his throat.
“I’m sorry, that was stupid, I—“ she begins, ready to make excuses and build those walls back up, wanting to curl up into herself and be miserable alone.
But then, quietly, he says, “Is that all?”
“W-what?”
“You think after going to hell and back with you not once, but twice, that I could just leave everything behind and call it quits? In the middle of this war?” She listens for any sarcasm in his voice, but for once can’t find any.
She doesn’t know what to say.
“Shepard,” he continues. “You know me damn well better than anyone on this ship. If you think getting rid of me is that easy, then maybe you don’t know me as well as I thought.”
Okay, ow .
Suddenly, she hears a familiar raspy chuckle come through the comm, making her stomach flip. She holds as tightly onto the sound as she can. “Well I’ll be damned, did I make the legendary Commander Shepard speechless? I couldn’t even do that before you broke up with me.”
“Garrus!”
He laughs again, louder this time, before growing quiet again, softer. “I can’t say it didn’t and doesn’t hurt like hell; I’m not going to lie to you. But right now, you couldn’t beg me to get off this ship, even if there are times I’ve definitely wanted to. And oh did I want to. But I know fighting alongside you is the best thing I could be doing for this galaxy.”
Her eyes follow one of the dartfish swimming nearest to her, never too far from another group of its kind. She considers what he’d said. She guesses their little found family isn’t unlike the schools in the tank, though right now she feels more like the lone snapping eel near the bottom, a predator eager to take down those bigger than it. Maybe they aren’t too unlike each other. She certainly doesn’t feel like a school fish at the moment, with somewhere to belong. No, she's obviously the hunter.
“You don’t have to stay,” she murmurs. “Not if you don’t want to.” Not if you feel obligated.
It's his turn to go silent again; Shepard can only assume he's lost for a reply, when he simply states, “Yes, I do.”