Work Text:
Toph felt Sokka jerk awake, then heard his sword drawn from its sheath. She could feel the bed shake as he did, his breath coming in ragged gasps.
“Sokka, it’s ok,” she told him quietly.
He jerked at the sound of her voice, but she reached her hand over and laid it on his arm, the one holding the sheath. One small sob was all he let escape before dropping his hands. Toph sat up and reached over, taking the sword from him and returning it to its sheath, then leaning it against the wall next to her side of the bed, where it should have been all along. He must have come home after she fell asleep. She usually moved it after he fell asleep to her side of the bed for just this reason, but the previous night he had come home later than usual. She didn’t even remember him coming to bed.
When Toph turned back to him, he was turned away, sitting on the edge of the bed. She reached over and put her hand on his back, feeling his erratic heartbeat racing inside his broad chest. He wasn’t wearing a shirt despite the coolness of the night. His skin was almost feverish. She moved closer and kissed the back of his shoulder. He made a small noise of surprise. She laid her cheek against his shoulder blade.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“It’s ok, Sokka,” she told him again, waiting. She had learned not to press him. In the past, he was more than willing to talk about what was going on inside him, to the point of being annoying. It was one of the things she loved most about him. It was different now, though. For everyone.
He stood abruptly. “I need some fresh air.” Toph heard him move to the chair next to the bed and begin pulling on his boots.
She stayed on the bed, frustrated and sad and angry at the man she loved. “They’re getting worse, aren’t they? The nightmares?” she asked.
He didn’t respond. She couldn’t feel him with her feet tucked underneath her, but she could hear him. He was trying to control his breathing, but he was failing miserably, sounding like he had run the length of the city.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” she said. Just then Lin began crying from her room.
“I’ll get her,” said Sokka.
Toph jumped in front of him and put her hand to his chest. “You will not. My daughter does not need to be in any more distress than she already is.”
He seemed to deflate. “Your daughter.”
She swallowed hard. Maybe she had been too harsh, but the last time he had gone in there to comfort her, Lin had screamed the rest of the night. Toph thought she could feel his pain. “You will either stay here or take that walk. I’m going to go take care of my daughter.”
She turned without another word and made her way into Lin’s bedroom. She changed Lin quickly, and was feeding her when she felt Sokka’s footsteps stop in the doorframe. He didn’t say a word, and neither did she. There were no more words to say, there hadn’t been for a while. She wondered if it made him as sad as it made her. Lin had stopped eating, and there was a heavy silence for a moment. But then it passed, and Sokka walked down the hallway to the kitchen. Toph relaxed again, and Lin finished eating. After successfully coaxing Lin back to sleep, Toph laid her gently back in her crib and put her hand on her daughter’s head for a moment, feeling the life within her.
“I’m sorry, Baby Girl,” she whispered. Toph couldn’t have put into words what she was sorry for, though.
She debated just going back to bed. She didn’t want to fight with Sokka again. Not tonight. The smell of tea wafting from the kitchen drew her in, though. It was his peace offering.
She stopped at the end of the hallway, her nightgown gently blowing around her ankles from the breeze coming through the window. Sokka stood in the kitchen looking at her. “Is that a pot for two?” she asked.
“If you would be willing to sit with me.” He sounded hopeful but doubtful at the same time.
She moved forward and sat down at the table. He brought the pot over and poured two cups of the fragrant brew, then he sat down. Her hand closed around the cup, but she merely spun it slowly without lifting it, waiting.
Toph was surprised when she heard him sniffling, then he tried to cover up a sob with a cough, but then he was crying so hard he could hardly breathe. She moved to him, sitting on his lap so she could wrap her arms around him and hold him. He buried his face in her neck and continued to cry. Her own tears flowed, and they sat there together, holding each other in a bone crushing embrace, each one afraid to let the other go for fear that by letting go, they would lose the other forever. Eventually they had both run out of tears, and they merely sat in the silence of companionable grief.
Toph waited until Sokka had truly calmed, then she pulled away from him, reaching out her hand to touch his face. “Sokka, my love,” she said, “you are not alone.”
“I will be if I can’t protect the people I love.”
Her heart sank. “You can’t go down that road, Sokka. Trust me, I know.”
“You don’t understand, Toph!”
“Oh, Spirits, Sokka!” Her voice rose in pitch and volume without her meaning it to, and she stood, unable to be so close to him anymore. “You are not seriously trying to tell me I don’t know what it’s like to lose the people you love because you couldn’t protect them!”
“You don’t!” he shot back, standing to face her. “I was there! First with Suki, then with Katara! I should have been quicker, I should have protected them! But I wasn’t watching them like I should! They died in my arms!”
She shook with barely suppressed anger. “At least you got to say goodbye! I couldn’t protect the father of my child, and I couldn’t protect Katara, because I wasn’t even there! Because I was here with my daughter, keeping her safe! Being a mother!”
Her breath caught in her throat when she realized what she had said. She suddenly couldn’t stand any more. The chair seemed like it was across the continent by the time she found it again.
Sokka moved toward her, putting out his hand as if to put it on her shoulder, but she knocked it away. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t come over here pretending like you know how I’m feeling.”
“So you get to know how I’m feeling but I can’t possibly know how you’re feeling? Bit of a double standard, isn’t it?”
She raised her head and glared at him. “You don’t know what it’s like to be a mother, to love your child with everything you never thought you had inside of you, so that you would do anything for them! To love the one who made that love possible. But you can’t be in two places at once! It was my turn to be with Lin that night, but because I was with her, I couldn’t protect her father. You don’t know what that’s like!” She couldn’t continue, the lump had returned to her throat.
Her accusation rang in the air for a moment, then the heavy silence that seemed to be their constant companion in recent days descended again. Sokka spoke into the silence quietly, “Why don’t you use his name anymore?”
Toph ignored him. “Then you guys needed my help, but Lin was sick, and I told Katara that Lin needed me more than you guys did. She told me I was right, that Lin was the most important thing right then. Katara was the only one who ever told me I was a good mother. She was the one who taught me how to be a good mother. Now she’s gone, and I’ll never hear her say it again, because I wasn’t there.”
Sokka was crying again, Toph could tell by his breathing. “Don’t you see, Toph? I added to your pain, too. I failed Katara, and I failed Suki, and I failed you.”
Toph gasped as she stood and walked to him. She hadn’t thought about what she was saying. “Sokka, I’m not blaming you!”
His voice was still husky. “Whether you are or not, it’s my fault you’ll never hear Katara tell you what a good mom you are.”
“No,” she said. “it's not your fault. We both know Katara would never do anything she didn’t want to. It’s not like you were sitting on the sidelines knitting. Katara did what she did to save you, all of you. All of us. Don’t take that away from her by blaming yourself.”
Sokka sobbed once. “Why did she leave us? There had to be another way.”
“It doesn’t matter whether there was another way or not. There almost always is. Katara made her choice, and because of her choice, you were able to save all those people, and prevent further tragedy.” Toph was surprised at the words coming out of her own mouth, but she found that they comforted her, too. “Maybe the only people to blame for her death, for Suki, for Lin’s dad, are the ones who actually killed them.”
Sokka hung his head. “Then how can I make sure I never lose you?” he whispered.
She reached up and touched his face. “I guess you can’t, and neither can I. All we can do is make our time together count.”
He reached up and put his hand on her cheek. “I love you, Toph.”
“I love you too, Captain Boomerang.”
He laughed, a magical sound in Toph’s ears because it had been so long since she had heard it. Lin made a noise from the other room. They both turned their heads in her direction.
“You better go check her,” Sokka said, withdrawing his hand.
“Come on,” she grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway into Lin’s room. She shoved him in first, and Lin gurgled with delight when he reached her crib.
He hesitated. “Toph, what you said earlier, I know she’s not mine, but you know I love her as if she were.”
Toph moved to stand beside him. “She could be.”
“You think he would approve?” he asked after reaching down to pick her up. Lin cooed softly.
The ache in Toph’s heart seemed to ease ever so slightly, but with it came a pang of guilt. She pushed it away. “I do.”
He was busy maneuvering Lin into the crook of his arm. Once he had succeeded, he said, “Look, Toph, I want you to know that this isn’t why I came around after what happened. I need you to know that. I’ve always loved you, but I would never take advantage of you. I’m here because I want to be.”
“I wasn’t expecting this either, Sokka. It’s okay. I’m glad you’re here, too.” She angled her head up and he leaned down to kiss her.
“Go drink your tea, I’ll get her back to sleep.” He kissed her forehead.
Toph reached over and put her hand on Lin’s head again. Them she retreated out the door and returned to the table.
The tea was still lukewarm. She finished it in a few gulps and retreated to the couch, and felt herself start to relax. The next thing she knew, she was being lifted from the couch and carried down the hallway to the bed. Sokka laid her gently on the sheets and then climbed in with her. She snuggled up to him, laying her head on his chest, listening to his heart beating, committing it to memory so she would never be without it again.