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“Oh dude, I completely forgot! You’ll never believe what I found while decorating in here last night.” Ryan stood from where he and Min sat atop a patchy quilt in the back of their new (for them, but still very much used) van. It was their first night officially on the road as a unit, and both felt zapped of energy from driving all day, dawn to dusk, and were preparing to crash for the night.
Even with the exhaustion of it all, Min was vaguely aware of a deep buzzing setting up shop in his chest, his mind helplessly clinging onto the residual burning from Ryan’s shoulder and lanky limbs bumping his own multiple times given their close quarters. He found it easier these days to admit Ryan’s touch was comforting, a little nostalgic, and perhaps even a tad bit heart-racing if he lets himself entertain that treacherous idea.
Trying to shift his attention instead to what his friend was getting up to, he squinted in the darkness to see Ryan fiddling with something on their van’s ceiling. All at once, he unlocked a latch Min hadn’t noticed before and slid away a beige cover, lighting their dim space right up as a dusty sunroof gleamed down.
“Oh shit, I guess we should probably clean this at some point… But dude?! Sunroof ? Exclusive midnight premiere of every constellation you could ever dream of? Well, most of them... But, fucking cool, right?!” Ryan exuded, collapsing back to a cross legged position on the ground and elbowing his companion with a cheeky grin.
Min peered up through the dirty glass, finding some faint stars and a bright, full moon. “That is…” He leaned back onto the blanket to let himself gaze up in wonder. “... Actually so amazing.”
After traveling nonstop and seeing a million different views during the day, there was something consoling about ending it underneath the faithful cosmos. He and Ryan used to stargaze back in the day in Powell Lake, so he was certain the comfort had been somewhat grounded in that. They were actually saving up together for a telescope at one point, Ryan even mowed lawns in his neighborhood for extra cash just to contribute. Then Battle of the Bands happened and… The telescope never did. While Min cleared his throat at the thought, Ryan had promptly decided to follow suit to him laying down, bumping shoulders again as his eyes blew wide beneath red aviators in amazement.
“Do you remember when we used to do this as kids?”
Min could easily hear the smile in his tone, but flinched away from the sound tickling his ear. It was hard to ignore how their thoughts were always so in sync, or when Ryan would push himself into his bubble like it was absolutely nothing. While leaning over to teach Min guitar, when tuning in closely to whatever Min was listening to himself on his headphones, Ryan always found a way to squeeze himself into all of his friend’s space. Min struggled to know just how to handle when the closeness would practically burn his skin— something once so comforting now just left him aching for more.
With a heavy gulp, Min dared a glance over. “I was literally just thinking about that.” He contemplated mentioning the telescope, when his mind suddenly sprung onto a new and much more positive memory, still on the topic of stars. “Wait a second, do you remember when we planned out our… “ He bit his lip with a pause, admittedly for dramatic effect. “ ‘Super Intergalactic Space Show’ ?”
Ryan’s eyes brightened as he flipped his entire body to face him so quickly Min winced in fear he had granted himself some degree of whiplash. “Uhm, what the fuck, of course I remember our ‘Super Intergalactic Space Show’ !!” He raised his hands to the sky, framing an invisible scene playing out in his head. “Ryan Akagi & Min-gi Park! Taking their already out-of-this-world music to your favorite local planets… And beyond!”
When they were kids, stargazing by the lake, Min had once offhandedly joked about performing together up in space after a particularly inspiring episode of Star Trek aired on television. Ryan immediately latched onto the bizarre proposition, conjuring up the aforementioned wacky title as the headline for their dream concert. He had always dreamt of travelling across all of North America alongside Min, ever since their very first jam session. Of course the prospect of travelling across planets with his best bud was all castles in the air, but ultimately a mere joke between the two. A fantasy, a folded up promise lost to time.
“But I mean, it’s not completely impossible right?” Ryan started up again, turning his chin toward Min. “They landed on the moon, what, a little less than twenty years ago? Just you wait. I’m placing my bets that someday, somehow, someway… The ‘Super Intergalactic Space Show’ will totally be a thing.
Min simply stared back at Ryan while the starlight illuminated the browns of his hair and gleamed off his glasses, making his already magnetic vibe even more intoxicating to take in. He was as focused as he could be on the conversation, but his brain kept zeroing in on all of Ryan in the moonlight, by how close they were to each other, and by the fact that they were, indeed, alone together in this van. Ryan raised an eyebrow at him and gently pushed on Min’s shoulder, “Earth to Min, what do you think?”
Clearing his throat, Min steeled himself to seem somewhat aware of what had been said, looking up to the stars for a much needed break from Ryan’s warm eyes. “I’m gonna go with impossible…” He then took a moment to actually think about it— “But I guess it could also technically be possible someday, we’ve achieved some crazy feats as humans… Let’s say it's plausible.” Min finished somewhat confidently, bravely looking back down to see his counterpart squinting up at him.
“I feel like that word is made up.” Ryan replied with suspicion but no bite, and Min felt massively aware of his hand still resting comfortably atop his shoulder.
“Ryan, all of language is made up.” Min laughed back into the small space between them. A beat passed, neither looking back up at the window, and he had to swallow the fact that there had always been moments like this before. Where they were so close, hands barely grazing each other, and every time Min swore he could probably lean in and kiss Ryan right there, and it would just make sense. Line right up with every other rhythmic motion they waltz they’re way into. When Ryan is getting himself absolutely amped over some extremely wacky underground band he just discovered, positively vibrating and gleaming with pure excitement, or when he’s simply looking back at him, face-to-face, like Min’s holding his whole world. Ryan’s hand softened on his shoulder and slid down to the side of his arm, resting it there in what Min swore felt like caressing.
And just like all those times before, Min still never really figured out what to do with the feelings that bubbled up so quickly from their proximity. The need to act on every immense, fiery impulse was always there, sometimes stronger than others, but he had never crossed that line, and knew he really shouldn’t start tonight. Not their first day officially on the road together. It wasn’t ideal for their current situation, given the friendship-shattering possibility it didn’t go well at all.
Even though it felt weird, even if it was resisting what always seemed so achingly right, Min strictly willed himself to turn away, eyes in search of a suitable distraction to the moment they were sharing. His gaze landed on Ryan’s age-old guitar case beside them, loyal through every adventure and bar-fight it’s endured. As his eyes frantically skipped from top to bottom down the black case, attempting to conjure new conversation material, he noticed Ryan remove his hand from his arm and go quiet. He tried not to think too much about whether he felt extremely grateful or devastated, the ghost of Ryan’s touch still somehow searing his skin the way it always did. His eyes then hooked onto a hot pink blur toward the bottom of the guitar case, and he frantically focused in to find a colorful, circular sticker with… Wait, hold the phone , that’s his original Chicken Choice Judy design.
“Did you… Make this?” Min asked softly, his finger reaching out to trace the sleek vinyl material, noting scratches from love and tear.
Ryan quickly sat up and to Min’s surprise began choking out his best attempt at an explanation, “Ah, well, I mean, that’s—…” He swallowed dryly and watched as Min switched between observing him and the sticker in question, forcefully clearing his throat to get the words out. “Ha, you’re just now noticing that?”
Ryan rarely got embarrassed in front of Min, so it was pretty easy to pick up on when it happened. But usually it was over something a sibling had said in front of his parents about him that they weren’t supposed to know, or when the rocket he built in physics somehow ended up giving himself two black eyes upon launch. And even then, Min didn’t even think he was all that embarrassed about it, just more disappointed than anything that the project he was so confident in totally failed. He wore his swollen black eyes like a champ the rest of the week and even tried to pull it off as a grungy fashion statement, something that would make Min want to put a bag over his head if he ever had to endure it himself.
And yet here Ryan was, choking on words in front of Min over a sticker he had made based on his design. There was absolutely nothing embarrassing about it, Min thought it was endearing more than anything else.
“I guess I am just now noticing it…” he started, trying to piece Ryan’s actions together like a puzzle. “I’m surprised you kept the design, it was just a silly concept.”
Ryan started laughing, still slightly on edge, but the nerves mostly fizzled out. “Of course I like it, it’s a badass rocker chicken— like what?! How did you even come up with that design?”
It was Min’s turn to look away, thinking back to the night he stayed up till three in the morning coming up with ideas and crafting the shirt. “I don't know, I mean… I guess it's kind of based on you?” he finished, rubbing his hands together as he looked back to him.
Ryan coughed on his own spit in shock, pointing a floppy, uncertain finger at his own chest “Wha— Me?? This chicken is supposed to be me ?!” He narrowed his eyes to closely examine curly magenta hair and a black choker, slowly relaxing as he put the pieces together. “… Okay well I guess it is pretty sick and I am also sick, but not ill-sick just chill-sick, so… I’m pretty flattered, actually.”
Min just stared. “Not ill but chill… Slang is bizarre. For something to be so filthy that it’s rad...” he remarked softly, looking back at his design as the edges of his lips tugged upward. “But I’m genuinely glad you like it that much. You did a pretty great job replicating it.”
Ryan seemed to relax into Min’s own comfort, dropping his hunched up shoulders and fidgeting both his thumbs with a grin. “Are you kidding? It meant everything to me.” He quickly brushed a curl behind his ear and Min noticed the tips of his ear were tinging red. “But yeah, a girl I dated for a little while on the road was super crafty! She taught me how to make stickers at home for pretty cheap. Just need packing tape and… Parchment paper? Yeah that sounds right.” He shifted his weight and his hand fidgets became more rhythmic, slowly flicking his fingers to an imaginary beat. “I’ll admit, She helped me redraw it. My art skills were never quite like yours…” Ryan’s fingers abruptly stopped, and he adjusted to flash two finger guns at his best friend. “She nailed your style pretty good though, eh?”
Min patiently took in his words with intrigue and appreciation. It was a soft moment between them; something kind of rare, and it meant everything to hun. “Thank you for still thinking of me, and for thinking the things I make are worth keeping.”
Ryan perked up at him with glassy eyes, surprised. “Oh my god, I… Of course, Min, I always believed in you. Even after everything.” His gaze remained on his counterpart sitting just inches away, gulping at all this unanticipated vulnerability. “I guess I’m kind of your biggest fan?” The words slipped out, and it visibly burned Ryan, Min could tell. But he didn’t exactly hold back anything about it either, letting the spoken truth linger in the air between them.
“Fan..?” Min echoed, as if the concept wasn’t even an option. “But I mean, you know me, Ryan, you know my…” He winced, thinking back to the train and Battle of the Bands, “... Faults. And especially after everything—”
“Dude, every single thing you create is… Literally incredible.” Ryan had cut him off before he could even finish, “You’re like this music architect-mad-scientist-genius who knows just what melodies to create, and also can whip up a killer design on a whim? I mean, come on...” His smile softened into something undeniably fond, and he clearly couldn’t help himself at this point. “How can I not be?”
Min’s brain easily short circuited at the onslaught of verbal affection, staring dumbly back at Ryan. A beat passed and while Ryan carefully searched his eyes, Min instinctively tore his own away, feeling a heat creep speedily up the back of his neck. He slapped a hand on it and attempted to level his nervous smile. “You are— that is… Way too nice, Ryan." he began, rubbing the side of his arm. "I don’t know how much of it would exist without you, to be honest. I mean of course I’d still be me, but you always inspire so much of what I create and give to the world. Like… “
His eyes went past Ryan’s head and hooked onto his own stylophone resting upon some folded up jackets. He crawled over to grab it before resuming position and holding the little instrument up for his companion to see. ”I mean— this tiny fella? All of your endless encouragement and,” Min bit his tongue on the word ‘love’, anxious about conveying any kind of romantic intentions and instead opting for the word “support” as he continued, “it undoubtedly made every song I’ve ever conjured while using this a reality. And sure, perhaps in another universe my music would still exist, but it would never sound exactly how it does in a world with Ryan Akagi.”
Ryan’s gaze softened and he broke the eye contact this time, although not moving his body from Min. His lips were pink from biting and spread wide in a fond smile. “Would you maybe play a little for us…? I mean, I know I’m gonna hear you almost every night now, but…” he tugged on a loose strand of hair, eyes peeking up to meet Min’s patient gaze. “Something comforting and nostalgic about the raw stylo, yeah? ”
Messy, ampless guitar riffs and stylophone scribbles plagued nearly every one of their summer escapades growing up. The ability to always have a little bit of music with him wherever he went was always a treasure for him.
“Right now? Uhm, okay, well what would you like to hear?” Min asked softly, fingers lightly tracing the faded keyboard screen on his instrument.
Ryan laid down beside his friend, head resting against Min’s thigh. “Just a sweet nighttime tune? Whatever you wanna make up or play— it can even just be ridiculous random scribbles. I’ll drive in the morning.”
Min smiled a little at that, looking down to flick the switch on and adjust his out-of-tune instrument. “I’ve kind of been working on something, just when I’m by myself. It sounds pretty cool, but… Can’t really figure out any lyrics for it.”
Ryan yawned and stretched his limbs like a feline before settling in, waving a loose hand in the air. “Don’t you worry your sweet brain Min, s’easy peasy lemons squeezin’. Just gotta make it rhyme, remember?”
Min sighed a bit with a nod, starting to quietly play out the melody. As he grew more and more comfortable with his song, he dared a glance over to Ryan to find him already curled up with eyes closed. A light snoring began, and Min took that as his cue to let loose. With no expectations burrowing him into the ground, the warmth of his bandmate pushed against him, and the aching from his longing heart, Min let the lyrics begin to flow. He kept his voice quiet, just barely above a whisper.
“You… are such a blinding light
Soaring through time
Just to meet with my…”
He looked to the stars, looking for answers— trying to connect dots.
“Calculated heart.”
Min closed his eyes and fell into the familiar rhythm he had crafted just for himself through all these years. Ryan’s head and hand resting up on Min’s thigh bore a familiar, scalding burn into his leg, and thoughts of them sharing a bed at Ryan’s family’s lake cabin during senior year flashed to his head. Rain panging the window, and The Cure’s brand new cassette “Kiss Me” playing between them on a lone headset. Min knew there were always points in life like these, maybe not nearly as painful, but still full of feeling and full of Ryan. The aching to be just a little bit closer to his best friend than he already was, to be just so impossibly near that he’d take both their breaths away.
“Your head rested on my shoulder
I thought it’d pass when we got older
But now pulling me toward every star
No lines to fill when it’s all you are”
He felt words pour in ways he didn’t expect, finding comfort in scribing meaning and reason to the feelings he kept swelled up in his chest.
"Figuring out the parts
Of your constellation
It’s a journey with an uncertain destination
I want to ask you now, but I’m fine waiting around
To keep all our very own stars inbound"
Min played out the remaining sweet tune, closing his eyes. His heart was pounding unbelievably rough against his chest, but with his emotions finally put into words and out into the open, it was all a little less dizzying than before. Ryan stretched beneath him, head nuzzling closer to his side. Min wasn’t exactly sure what to ultimately make of his feelings, or of the rush from getting lost in tiny bits of his partner in crime when he least expected it, but he was genuinely okay taking it day by day, one soft moment at a time.