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I didn’t expect having a vessel would be like this. Some of my brothers and sisters told me I would feel confined. As if I was forced into a small space. However Samuel Winchester is nothing like that. He is huge, the cavern of his soul that I hide in as if I was a piece of bacteria is massive and wide, and full of so much pain. My brother was here, I knew it I could smell him here and see the marks he left on Samuel’s beautiful soul. Lucifer my brother used me and then left, left me to die. He had taken his own residence in Samuel’s soul room.
Samuel’s soul took up the appearance of a grand library, with thousands of books and memory’s. The floors were marble, everything was a beautiful white marble, a testament to his righteousness; his goodness. But there were chunks taken out of pillars, books strewn around and destroyed, charred marks in his soul. I could understand why it had the appearance of a grand library with books full of so many things that I had no right to indulge in. No, these were not what my brother would have done, not Lucifer, this was Castiel. Too young to know the harm of what he would accomplish, but too proud to leave Samuel there. Yes I could see the effects of what Lucifer did in Hell, in the cage that he had been trapped in. Samuel, who had been stuck with the most powerful of my brothers, was saved by Castiel. He cared for them, those brothers for that I am sure and it seemed he learned in the same way that Lucifer did, loving too much will only bring pain.
Something seemed so wrong here. Some things seemed too big or too small, so out of place. Samuel reeked of illness and pain, and disgust. Not that it was aimed at me, more at him and many others but mainly at him. I was weak but slowly healing both him and myself, and I was exhausted. Many times I would wake with little energy and face the decision of either healing Samuel or I. Mainly I heal Samuel, sometimes I feel so awful that I have to heal myself but I see progress in Samuels healing. Many times I have almost felt like he has taken notice of me in this room and each time I have tried my best to look as small as I can. I think it is fair to say I am slightly afraid of Samuel Winchester, not only for the fact that the Winchesters are the most terrifying men that had ever intimidated an angel. He has not thrown me out nor has he seemed to acknowledge my presence.
Currently I am laying on the floor in Samuels soul room, as a main part of my healing I am working through the traumatic experiences I had faced. I find myself in my cell, of pure white and smelling of nothing. I have to say out of everything that happened to me in that prison was not being able to smell anything was the biggest travesty. I had always loved to be able to smell the world around me, and was one of the main reasons I always had guard duty. I could smell the flowers and the oxygen, every single part of the world that mixed together perfectly. It occupied much of my thoughts the smells of the outside world while I was in that cell. A coping mechanism I had acquired in my time there, in the small space of my brain, the part that was not fully submerged into the memory knew what was coming next and twitched. Yes here he was Metatron my brother standing at the door of my cell waiting to punish me again.
_________________________________
He must have been having a bad week. He had come here three times. How funny it was that we had started using weeks, like those mortals. It made sense that the angels would want order, and that’s what this Roman calendar gave. Maybe it was the fact it was made by Christians, fickle beings. Oh brother was still speaking. It is very much alike his usual speech. One day you will repent. You can do it with my help brother. I can get you out of here brother. Why did you have to love Lucifer brother? Why not leave him for Gabriel? Why? Why? Why brother? Oh why bother? In the beginning I shouted. He pulled my lungs out. I cried. He took my eyes. Brother only wanted to hear me scream. Lucifer would never have done this. Lucifer said he loved me. He said he loved me. I had left for him. Dropped my guard. He asked me to share myself with him. I did. And I found myself in this cell. Deception. Tricked. Pain. Pain beyond imagining.
“Gadreel get off the floor. Get up and take my hand, I can help you out of here Gadreel.” I’ve heard him say this to many to many times to count. His words start to blur together… “Freedom”, “betrayal”, “family”, “Castiel”, “bows”, “grace”. Wait Castiel, brother? Why was he a part of this? He was free?
“Castiel has been very helpful in my plans Gadreel. Very helpful, he wants to be as helpful as possible. His emotions are so as to manipulate and control. Oh Gadreel it is very easy to use him, just one simple mention of Dean Winchester and he is putty in my hands.” Metatron smiled. It was wrong. Angels with vessels in Heaven. God had made us differently. Angels were not meant to look like humans. And instead Angels only have vessels. Heaven felt corrupted. I am corrupted. Forced into a vessel that can barely hold me. Always an itch I cannot scratch. I am helpless.
“Are you in pain Gadreel? Does it hurt to be stuck in here? Does it hurt when I do this Gadreel?” He kicks me against the wall. Something else made him angry. Not me. Castiel? Maybe. Quiet. Stay quiet. Play dead. Angels get bored. Quiet is not helping, not now. He smirks.
“I’ll ask you one more time Gadreel. Join me. Join me and be free or I will put you through so much pain you will wish Lucifer had taken you to Hell with him.” I flinch. He laughs.
“Well Gadreel? What is your answer?” He walks closer.
“No.” I murmur. I can’t. I will not join you. Not after all you have done. Never.
“What a shame Gadreel. We could have helped each other you know. Make a better heaven where no one is prisoner. No one would ever hurt you again brother, I would make it worth your while.” His hand is on my face. Caressing it. He pulls me up with his hand. Metatron is about to break my jaw. I can see into his eyes. I see Castiel. I see the Righteous Man. The Boy King. I feel strong, for once. He grabs my hair. His hand goes to his pocket from my jaw. His pulls out a bottle of something purple, I cannot tell what it is. I am afraid.
“This is something you are familiar with Gadreel. Raphael used it on you once we won the war against Lucifer do you remember that? I bet you did. Your screams were quite the symphony, everyone thought so. Well everyone except for Gabriel, but I’ll find him and deal with him soon. First I want to hear you scream.” I remembered blurred pain, agony. Oh Father. No.
“Yes very good, you remember. This little beauty is Qeres, the ancient Egyptians used it as a perfume for the dead. The Egyptians called it the ‘First sweet breath of the afterlife’ , quaint how many think it can kill angels on earth is it not? Now we both know that it is a rather useful poison in ridding of the Nephilim, like the vermin they are. To us angels it provides with a rather effective pain synthesiser. But you have tried it once, I don’t think I should reintroduce you. Hum?” The bottle is in my mouth. Father please no. My teeth crushed the bottle. I can taste it. No. Air. I need air.
“Swallow the bottle Gadreel.” No please. I shook my head. His hands are on my throat. He pries my mouth open. Metatron pushes the shards and liquid down. Agony. Choking. Pain. Pain. Kill me. Lucifer please. Please. Brother save me. Lucifer please.
No one. Pain. Time. Pain. Falling. Falling? My wings. My beautiful wings. Only bone, blood. The sky. The stars. My vessel has burnt.
Useless. Ground. Contact. Pain. I look up. Vessel. My vessel. I take his body. Pain. Darkness. Nothing.
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I gasp as I am pulled out of my mental plane. It was one of my worst memory’s but I had to get over them if I had to heal. I was almost insane at that time, thinking in sharp bursts, unemotional, calling out to a brother who had deserted me thousands of years prior. I being in my vessel almost killed me, but I had endured off enough of the Qeres to be only slightly affected in this vessel. My vessel did not say that I could inhabit its body, did not give me permission, I took it anyway. I had always been able to do that, Lucifer had trained me from an early age, after finding that I did not have to follow many of the rules the others did. I spent most of my life with Lucifer, training with him, exploring our fathers’ world together, and I eventually fell in love with him.
I pull myself into a sitting position on the floor of Samuels’ soul room. I had been healing the both of us very well. Samuel would be fine, if he found me in close to two weeks he could easily through me out and he would be in almost perfect health. He would feel as if he only had a very nasty cold. I had told Dean the same; he was pleased I was telling him the truth as explained by Castiel. I would be fully healed in a months’ time, and as promised by Dean I would be given somewhere safe to hide if Samuel did indeed find me. Which seemed like it was more probable every day that passed.
I wrapped my arms over my legs and rested my head on them, it was a very human thing but ultimately extremely comforting. My mind drifted to my position right now, healer to the Boy King, call dog to the Righteous Man, and hiding from the only angel who might understand what I am going through. Dean had only called on me a few times to help, some of which I was more than happy to help. Especially when it came to healing Castiel, I loved my brothers very dearly and always would, no matter what. It was one of the few lessons that I had learned from Lucifer and Michael simultaneously, and a memory I hold very close to heart. Ah Castiel, I sighed and shifted slightly, the youngest of all the angels- the last one to be created by father. Castiel was most alike what father had wanted us to become, kind, compassionate, free, and loving. It was funny to imagine that his brother would fall in love, especially with the righteous man, but who was he to judge? He had fallen for his brother as thousands of others had; and in turn destroyed humanity. Oh his brother would be furious when he found out it was him, no angel had ever reacted well to his name, not a single one.
I closed my eyes and started to hum a song sung to the younger angels by Gabriel. I remembered the smell of flowers and honey in heaven, the smell of content and peace for me as a small fledgling. Soon I was carried away by the smell of my memory’s and of the healing songs sung to me when I was happy and content to exist. When Father was there and loved us all, and when I had the eternal love of all of my family. It was peaceful here.
~~~~~~~~~ (POV change – Sam) ~~~~~~~~~
He’s been here for a while, I noticed him right after he took over for the first time. An angel was using me as a vessel. I’m not as angry as I was when I found out, at the time the only reason I did not force him out of my body then was because I was unconscious. When I did wake up I was in the Impala. I also realised how shitty I felt and the fact that this was not the worst I had felt in the last few weeks. It seemed as if the angel was healing me, I wanted to ask Dean about it but every time I tried he changed the subject as fast as possible. He would act mournful and would pull that whole Atlas face at me, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. It made me feel awful to see Dean like that. I knew it was because he was afraid of losing me, but I was so close to being free. You learn how to get over these things when you are a hunter, when you’re us. We’ve given up everything we ever had, well except with the Impala, but she seemed to be one of us as well, a protective angel, better than any of the ones we’ve met yet.
Today I’m going to talk to the angel; I guess it’s the best I can do to see what’s going on. I hate doing this; at least I’m not pulled in the same as with Lucifer. I sat in front of a candle because I read it helps with meditation and yoga, and I’m going to need a lot of help here. I closed my eyes and looked for the peace I needed to feel before I could find my soul room. It took what felt like hours to find it but there it was my breath was slower and I felt truly content, it was nice and different. I had never felt this whole before. I’d look in on it later but there was the door to my soul room. I tried to prepare myself for the cellar that I was about to face. However when I stepped into the room I found myself clearly enjoying the view of a grand library, one part of me thought of the beauty and the beast when I saw it. I chuckled happily it was neat I went over to one of the shelves and grabbed a book and opened it. Wait, this was my law book, how did I have it in here? I put it back and grabbed the next one; it had my memories of my school. Here it was Harvard and all of its hall ways, the beautiful library, everything I had left behind. I couldn’t help smiling, it was…. well it was wonderful, this was so much better than I thought it would be, open and light. I almost felt like crying, instead I put the book back and explored some more. I was bound to find him somewhere. I didn’t notice the cracks in the ceiling slowly putting itself-back together, nor how the light coming from the windows seemed to become all the more bright.
I continued searching for him but became distracted by memories that I had stored here, there was one part of the room that repelled me from it when I got to close. Deciding that I wanted to check it out I pushed through as much of the force as I could and looked at the corner of the room, there resided two doors; One of steel and the other of iron. The steel door seemed to have sigils on it that I did not fully comprehend, they were definitely not Enochian, but I had a feeling of what was behind them and I was not about to go through it right now. The iron door was mine I could tell I had made it, it was in here when I was here with Lucifer, my own wall created while growing up to protect myself.
I left that corner a lot faster than I thought I would but maybe that was the repulsion coming from both doors pushing me away. I walked around more and I saw him right in front of the biggest window in the light coming through it. He sat in a ball as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible, head in his arms and curled around his knees. That was not the strangest thing about him, although it was perplexing, it was his hair. It was so blond almost the colour of honey, it was entrancing and another thing that shocked me was how pleased I was that he was there, sitting in the light; terrifying actually. I would say that it was my subconscious but I was in my subconscious right now wasn’t I? I made some sort of coughing noise and his reaction was rather depressing. He jumped up as fast as he could and tried to put something in front of himself, as if he needed protection. The look on his face made me put my hands up, more out of reflex than anything. He looked absolutely terrified standing a few inches shorter than me, but still looking smaller than that. The intrusive thought that came into my head was that he was weak, and really to be honest he looked trapped.
“Whoa there, calm down, yeah?” I asked as calmly as I could. Really if one of us should be freaking out, there was an angel in my soul. But it wasn’t that weird for me was it, possession is a normal occurrence for Sam Winchester. He was looking at me like I was his executioner.
“Um… Do you have a name? Or maybe a reason why you’re in my body?” I asked. I probably sounded more nonchalant than I felt, but what else am I supposed to do. The guy looks like a kicked puppy, a little golden retriever and my soul. That was kind of funny.
“I. I am Gadreel. I was asked by your brother Dean to heal you before you died. However the only way that I might have been able to do that was to enter your body.” He could talk, wonderful. I could swear I have heard that name before though, I guess I’ll ask Kevin, he would know. Oh God that sounds even more perverted now that I think about it. He has a nice voice now that I think about it, strong and slow.
“Alright” I replied. “How long have you been healing me Gadreel?” He tilted his head and squinted a bit.
“Yes it has been about 3 months that I have been healing the both of us.” He replied evenly.
“Why do you need to heal the both of us?” He seemed to flinch a bit and his hand went to his throat.
“I faced some difficulties with my brothers before we fell.” He replied as his eyes darkened and his stance became slightly more aggressive. I put my hands up again and smiled.
“Alright that’s all I wanted to know but I think we should work this out, lay some ground rules. I’m fine with you staying in here as long as you need to heal us, but I don’t want you doing anything harmful with my body.” He nodded in understanding and seemed to wait for me to continue. I actually didn’t think I would get this far. What do you know hu? I guess not all angels are assholes.
“Okay first rule is… no touching anything, these are my memories and I don’t want you destroying them. Second rule is no taking over my body unless I give you permission, or a life or death emergency. No harming anyone in the bunker, that’s the third one. Yeah I think that’s it for now.” He hadn’t seemed to react to any of the requests made.
“That sounds agreeable. I accept your terms Samuel Winchester.” He said and nodded. That was it really he just accepted.
“I understand that if I do not comply with your terms you will forcefully eject me, and you have every right to do that. I was wondering if I may make a request.” He asked me with narrowed eyes. What is it with the angels and narrowed eyes they all do it?
“Go ahead man, shoot.” I could always say no if I didn’t like it and he has shown me as the one in charge, so nothing to fear right?
“All I ask is that when you are fully healed and I am well enough to get back to my vessel, you would allow me to stay with you, while I continue my healing. So that I may have some form of protection.” He said scratching his arm, he looked kind of uncomfortable.
“Yeah I’m okay with that is there any reason why you might need to stay in the bunker?” He was hiding something, and I’d be damned before I let him hurt my family.
~~~~~~~~~ (POV change - Gadreel) ~~~~~~~~~
Seeing Samuel is so different from just feeling him. He appeared so quietly that I did not notice him, and it startled me. Maybe it is due to the fact that I am constantly in his presence but I would think I could tell the difference, but he is so encompassing losing your self is easier than originally thought. He seemed so calm even though he had an intruder inside of his head, he spoke sensibly. It was effectively calming and I found myself relaxing minutely. Instead for being angry his hands went up, plication. That was disarming and rather kind, he asked for my name and purpose. I felt it would be only the right thing to do if I told him my real name – see what he thinks after then. He seemed to accept my reaction and only asked me appropriate questions, even his terms for letting me stay were things I had already planned to practice myself.
This was the time to ask him, it was foolish to think I could handle my family as weak as I was. I had never been taught to express weakness, mostly because Lucifer and Michael did not believe that angels could have weaknesses. Well I guess it’s time to accept my rebelliousness and ask. Would he say no, would he ask me why I had to hide from my brothers? I asked him and I couldn’t help shuffling, addressing weakness was difficult.
However there was Samuel Winchester who agreed and didn’t ask too many questions and whose soul made me feel safe. Who was I to tell him lies who was I to lie to him, an angel who he could throw out of his soul faster than I could blink. While it was true he would be in a coma for a few weeks if he ejected me he would not die, even if he was not at a hospital. Of course I will tell him the truth from the beginning. I hope he does not remove me that would not bode well for the both of us.
I nodded my head and sat on the floor with my legs crossed. I looked up at Sam and gestured to the floor.
“We have a long discussion ahead of us; it might be beneficial if you were to sit.” He seemed even taller from here it was interesting to see someone who obviously had more power over me than my jailers, yet had not lifted a hand nor his voice to subjugate me. I respected Samuel and I promise on my grace not to harm any of his loved ones nor act against his will.
“Alright one minute” he said smiling at me as he sat down and folded himself into a simple lotus position. He looked so expectant, and happy the light has been steadily increasing since we started talking, maybe it has only been now that I have realised how lukewarm the light was before.
So I told him. I told him everything; it seemed Samuel could never live without knowing the whole story. I told him of my early years with Gabriel , of the story’s I had heard, of my power to break many of fathers rules, and how that made Lucifer take me as his protégé. Of my years learning the art of War and defence, why I never understood why father would have us fight, nor what we were to fight at that time. How I finished training as one of the most powerful angels in my Father’s army besides my older brothers. How I became a guard to the garden of Eden a job not many wanted although it was highly respected. I spoke to Samuel about my love for my brothers, my love for Lucifer, how I tried my best to forget that it was there and do my duties. I told Sam – as he insists I call him- of my instantaneous love for the Earth and it’s beauty, how the smells in the garden made me as content as it was possible to be, I had adored the scent of jasmine and cloves. I told Sam of Adam and Eve, how they fumbled around each other for years before they broke into harmony. Sam seemed to love the story of how Adam had gotten stuck in a tree and Eve was smart enough to know how to get him out. I laughed while telling him as well, it was funny truth be told and me and Gabriel who was forced onto watch duty because of a joke he played on Michael, that involved multicoloured wings. We were watching them and had a wonderful time jeering Eve on, and after wards she was furious with Adam. Truth be told that day with Gabriel was one of the best days of my entire existence.
I didn’t want to tell Sam what came next, because reliving it in the past was torture in and of itself. I took a breath and looked at him, he looked so perfect in the light, his hair shone beautifully and his eyes looked whole and free. He looked as if hurt and pain had lost a battle that they had been trying so hard to win. I was a wonderful thing to see and I could feel something well up in my chest, vaguely reminiscent of times spent with Lucifer before I was cast out. This was different this did not feel wrong. Those times had always left a bitter after taste when in my mouth and had my skin crawling when we parted. However try as I might I had to tell him, there was no fighting him even if I wanted.
And so Samuel learned about what I did. How I was lured away by my brother and how I let him defile me. Sam’s face fell at that I couldn’t stop, because if I did I would not start again. I told him how I was left there while he went and ruined creation. How I pleaded when my brothers came to grab me, with Lucifer in tow. How I begged him to take me away, to go with him. I thought at that time that I loved him, and did, and maybe still do, but it is not the same. I cried when he left me I felt pain and anguish but then anger, I pleaded with my brothers to let me go. I had been used as well, it was not my fault. I was frantic then, Sam flinched and nodded, he understood. I had no part in this it couldn’t have been my fault, because I had been used. My brothers did not think the same and decided I belonged in prison tortured for the rest of forever. Left to my guilt while a war went on and my brothers and sisters fell at each other’s hands. I was in torment as m mental state self-destructed. I told Sam of how they came back and what they did to me. I skittered around the worst parts, but he understood. Samuel Winchester had been locked in my brothers’ cage not only with him but with Michael as well.
How strong he was. I remember seeing it and I has seen the wounds that still hold themselves to Sam’s soul. I admired Samuel and I admired him greatly, he had housed and fought Lucifer, and when he had he won. It was an impressive feat one that had saved my Father's greatest creation. I remember our original mission or reason for existence and they did not seem as wonderful in comparison to Samuel’s soul. His beauty and clarity, how happy he had the potential to be and the whole human race had, they had freedom to fight and to survive. Something that I had desired deeply when I was being tortured. I finished my story at last by telling him of the occurrences before I got here. Of Metatron and of the fall, my vessel and its location, and finally of how I could sneak by the rules of vessels and obtained Sam’s body.
Samuel looked at me. He watched me for a long time I guess he was weighing the idea of keeping me in his body. His face had changed so much in the time it took to tell him that it had left me to confused to make sense of it. He looked down and then back up at me and smiled a little bit.
“Would you like to stay for a while?” He asked me. I couldn’t help it I smiled wide and joyous, all I could do was nod my head. However I knew I would like to stay forever, or as long as I was welcome.
~~~~~~~~~ (POV change - Sam) ~~~~~~~~~
His story started out so happy. He had a happy childhood and what seems like a happy adulthood. It was odd to hear of Gabriel and Michael like that, as happy brothers who were meant to be in love. Even weirder was Lucifer, I have had him in my mind and the thing was I expected him to go through some kind of change but he was still much the same as he was in heaven. He pulled pranks he sang, and well was just as attention seeking as he was in my mind. I could understand why Gadreel had felt anything other than familiar love towards Lucifer; so many others had felt it too. The ones who had loved him left heaven with him and became demons; you had to love someone a lot to leave heaven for them. I knew what was coming almost the second before he said it. The story of Gadreel in the bible was there the instant he said he left his post to meet Lucifer. I was sad to hear about it like this, Gadreel had fought against something that was wrong to him, and Lucifer took it from him. Lucifer had used him for it and it made me feel worse for Gadreel. Only for it to get worse when I heard about what they did to him, he did not give me all the information I wanted but it was enough. I flinched looking towards the door that walled the memories from hell. The pain that was there. If Gadreel could go through a millennia of torture by his very own family then I could deal with what he did to me. I could get through this.
I asked him if he wanted to stay. I think I meant more than that, I guess I did. I felt safer with him than anyone else I had in a while, and I felt clear and comfortable. It was so different from the blurry mess my head was when I was doing the trials, or the constant itchiness that I had to constantly resist while hunting. I knew I could not survive without him but I was willing to hide behind it to see why I was so happy to talk to him. To hear him talk, to listen to his voice, it was new and wonderful. I never knew that talking to an angel could be so comfortable. It felt like what I almost had with Jess.
I told him I had to go and sleep but he was free to stay and that I was always around. He laughed at that, which was good.
(Timeshift- Sam)
A lot of time has passed since then; at least that’s what it feels like. Gadreel has become a big part of my normal routine. Where ever I am I spend at least an hour talking to him a day, and I have learnt so much about him since then. He’s kind and caring; he loves nature and humans more than I thought was possible. He asked me to let me have some control once when we were in the impala, it was raining. We had learned earlier how to allow partial feeling to Gadreel while I was still in control of my body. He seemed very content to sit in silence and listen to the rain. I asked if it would be the same if he manifested outside of my body like Lucifer did to talk to me. He said the it was not the same as actually listening to it, if he did it through a manifestation it would be just an echo of what I was hearing. Sometimes I found it hard not to talk to him out loud especially in fighting situations.
We had found ourselves in many of those the last few weeks. At one point Gadreel said he wanted to talk to Cas, but he had said hed wait. One reason was that Cas was still on the run and the other was that Gadreel was not strong enough to face him yet. That part worried me I didn’t think Cas would freak out, but I understood Gadreel wanting to cover every possibility. Gadreel had been healing the both of us for about three weeks and a half. It felt like longer than that, maybe it was the amount of cases we were doing. Gadreel and Cas had both said that Metatron was recruiting people that he could bring back into heaven, and they were killing anyone who would not join them. Cas was finding the people who had survived Metatrons killing sprees and was recruiting them for his own army.
It seemed we were always fighting someone, trying to save another group of souls except there was also Abaddon, who was a massive problem at the moment as well. It seemed there was a huge power struggle going on in heaven and hell, and to tell the truth I wanted no part of it. I deserve some Goddam rest don't I? Anyway Kevin and I have been doing more research on the Knights of Hell, and it seems that the only way to kill them was the First Blade. To which Gadreel told me could only be used by someone bearing the Mark of Cain. Kevin had called earlier to tell me that archangels could kill a Knight of Hell. However Gadreel could break most of the rules set in place by God. So we had talked about him being a backup plan. Which seemed more like a reality than when we burned her.
Gadreel understood this too and we decided it would be best if we had the angel tablet to that he could have the extra power. Which seemed unnecessary because, over the last few weeks because I could feel his power increase as he was stuck inside my body. And while it was so similar to the amount of power that Lucifer had it was so different. I didn't feel drained or like I needed to itch my skin off or just scream out my frustration, this felt more like having a ocean inside of my body. The power swirled around and changed with the tides of Gadreels emotions. I had become so attuned to it that I could tell when he was healing me or when he was healing him self. I could tell when he was happy or upset or just well there. The thing was he was there all the time, constantly around me and it was nice I felt nice.
Gadreel was planning to go find his vessel once the week was over. One part of me didn't want him to leave yet, it was just because he was too weak to take care of himself. Right? Yeah that must be it, but well another part of me was glad that I would be able to see him more. I could show him so many things that really were not fun to see out of someone elses eyes. And finally because I wanted my own brain back, not because it was awful that he was here. Because it wasn't it was more of the fact that you're constantly there with someone and there is no time to yourself. Gadreel really tries his best to give me privacy and I can't really get into his mind, but there are just somethings you don't want to do with an angel inside of your head. Especially when this angel is probably the one person other than Dean you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with.
And if that isn't the most unbalancing thing to find out while having said person in your brain, I don't want to know what is. I guess the main fact is that I want some time to review the life changing decisions I have made in the last three Goddamn weeks. While Gadreel plans to introduce himself to the rest of the gang at the bunker after he gets his vessel. I agree with him because it would be better if everyone could trust that he was not controlling me, and also so Dean knew what was going on. That would give us more back up. And the only reason that I am still alive is by my own volition. Actually it was kind of funny that I was madder at Dean than I was at Gadreel, but what the hell am I supposed to do. One of them appologised and the other is probably planning on telling the other to hit the high road when they think the deed is done. Gadreel doesn't deserve that he deserves more than that, and god damnit I owe him that.
We were heading in that direction, still I can't help but think about introducing a new date to my parents. I mean not that I would know about that, their dead. But I imagine that it would feel this way. Another thing is if I continue to refer to Gadreel as my boyfriend I should at last clue him in, should I not? I mean dating my is like playing Russian Roulette. I think Charlie summed it up well before Oz was that “Everything my dick touches seems to die”. Really I think she thought I would be mad, but I can hardly remember a time when I laughed that hard. It was true to no denying that, I was a sex killing machine.
~~~~~~~~~ (POV change -Gadreel) ~~~~~~~~~
Sam had come with me to get my vessel, which he did not have to as I could have just left and come back but he said he was happy to come along. It was odd to feel his reaction, even minutely to seeing my vessel. It was so calculating, something I had felt from Sam many times. He always seemed to be calculating something it was funny to follow along with his emotional changes, because he could go from curious to angry and then to determined and finally the triumph, where a small part of him dances. I’ve seen a manifestation of his ‘victory dance’ he seemed younger as these projections, maybe its when he felt happiest. But he seems happier now, the seams in his soul room have started to heal or fade and the objects that have felt distorted have taken the correct size and shape and others have been destroyed. It was good for Sam. He was making his mind healthier and also his soul. Washing away what I could not or what was not for me to clean. I was happy to sit and watch him fix himself how he wanted to be, he was becoming so happy. He was feeling things other than fear or anxiety, anger was there but not so often. The change from the beginning was huge, and it was all Sam Winchester.
I had started to fall for Sam Winchester, it was true. How could someone not, especially if that someone was me. I had found someone who accepted me who talked to me and understood what I was going through, and when he didnt he seemed capable of empathy so through that I bet he made it so he felt what I had. However it was not like the movies Sam had told me about. The one where it is similar to ‘slowly falling and then being there all at once’ I believe. It was more like noticing that a friend was more than a friend, and I was okay with the observation. I liked being with Sam Winchester and would not mind being his friend for as long as he lived. I would not think to ask him if he wanted the same from me because what would it be? I do not feel as if would be sexual, being in someones mind does dissipate the sexual tension that is prevalent in say Dean and Castiel. However I think on the subject of their almost relationship it is rather painful for the both of them, the longing that they share for each other. It was a background radiation for me, easily turned off, but when Sam pointed it out it was clearly apparent. Especially from Dean when Castiel had left the bunker for too long without communication. If I were to have a relationship with Sam it would be different. As an angel what kind of relationship could I have with him? I was not a sexual being and that form of love had never been important to me. I prefered talking communication, becoming one with someone is the more intimate sense than the sharing of body heat. I could easily share the same as friendship with him and be just as happy if we were together. It was a human term and it still confused me.
I had talked about this with Sam, not in the event of getting him to see that I wanted him to spend an eternity with be, but because it came up when we discussed relationships. That actually came up when discussing Dean and Castiel. I found it rather amusing to tell the truth, talking about my brothers love problems when I was curiously trying to understand my own. One good thing about being a warrior of God was that I could easily throw away my problems for the use of helping humans. The angel tablet was with Kevin in the bunker and we were planning to use it to kill Abaddon. Still I was worried about their reactions I had grown to like them all myself and through Sam. There was also the fact that I did not really want to leave Sams soul, but I had to do it. Also it would be nice to be in my own body, and not feel like an intruder on Sams healing.
When I left Sams body and took control of my vessel it felt right. My real vessel fit me better than Sam did and I could now see his face. It was so strong and sharp, beautiful really. I had seen it before but covered in blood and paler than paper, you do not notice how his eyes sparkle or how he seemes to be smiling constantly. It felt as comfortable as being inside of his head, not any more different or any less the same. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, and I like it. I can feel the leather in the car and the speed at which we are going is soothing. Of course we could not take the Impala but we could take Castiels car, which Kevin had taken to calling the Pimp Mobile, which I did not fully comprehend but Sam and Dean thought it was hilarious. But it seemed the peace of the drive and the small conversation with Sam was over all too soon. When we parked in the bunkers driveway.
I didn't feel as if I had the power to get out of the car, my heart was racing and my mind was spinning. Sam looked at me and laughed he placed his hand on my shoulder and smiled.
“Hey it’s alright man, I’m here. No ones gonna come at you if I have anything to say about it.” I smiled and nodded his touch giving me the boost of power that I needed to get out of the car. We were at the door when he told me to wait for a second so that we did not scare anyone by introducing me to fast.
It felt rather laughable that we did not want to scare them when I was probably the most terrified. Only having to talk to Sam was nice and I felt nervous about talking to others. I heard Sam call me in and decided to push the door open. Feeling rather like running as far away as I could.
Walking into the room was very interesting considering the fact I was trying to puff myself up to look bigger. Indeed Sam had only said that I was an angel that had found him and was asking for his help but it was how we were going to get them to trust us, which just sounded like lying. But Sam said thats how things went until others were ready for the truth, which can be easily understood, however Sam was in charge so I would follow his lead. There was Castiel in a vessel that he had fully healed thanks to the angel tablet, but he was looking slightly suspicious, a expression I had no doubt would change after time. Then Dean looking ready to kill standing at an angle where he could see everyone in the room, a very tactical position I was sure. Kevin alleviated the mood of sorts because he was sitting there still eating whatever they had had for dinner, and he appeared the most casual in the situation.
“Well who are you?” Dean demanded in his usual manner. I looked at Sam and he nodded, the truth it is I assume.
“My name is Gadreel, an Angel of the Lord. I went by Ezequiel when we meet Dean but I was the one who healed your brother.” Both Castiel and Dean froze at different points. Castiel at my name, and Dean at Ezequiel. However while Castiel turned to stare at me Dean turned to Sam.
“Yeah Dean I know what you did. And I noticed him very quickly. You need to work on your acting skills too. Even if I had not been able to feel him I would have known something was up.” Sam seemed on the way to a very big lecture towards his brother. But it was Castiel who cut him off.
“Sam you do realise who this is don't you? He.” Castiel said while pointing at me.
“He is the reason the war was fought in heaven.” Castiel's voice was getting louder a crescendo of anger.
“Gareel is the brother who whored himself out to Lucifer, the brother who wanted to go with him. He ruined the Goddamned universe.” Castiel was shouting at me now, his eyes had turned blue and he appeared to be ready to attack me. But Sam walked in front of me and said.
“How dare you Castiel.” Sam yelled back.
“How dare you say that he ruined the universe. What makes you think that what Gadreel did was worse that what you did? You Castiel, you who rebelled against heaven. You who killed Raphael. You messed up so bad. But you sit here pointing at him when you have literally taken Gods place and killed thousands. Do you remember that Cas? If you don’t why don't you ask Dean I’m sure he does, because when you were gone he was lost. You did that to him, my brother. Oh and what do you think got us in this stupid mess? You, Cas. You who couldn't trust Dean and ended up almost killing him. And also how your stupid saviour complex is the reason the angels fell from the goddamn sky. How dare you say that he ruined the universe. He made a goddamn mistake because he loved somebody, and he paid for it. He was tortured Cas by his brothers, his sisters. The closest friends he ever had willing to torture him for something he did. And goddamnit Cas someone was going to fall and bring up evil, or man would never have use for free will. What's the goddamn point if we don't have it hm? It was just Lucifer that feel and not some other angel.” I had never heard Sam sound so angry before, it was truly amazing. The fact that he was like this for me was another thing that pleased me greatly. I could see my brother flinch at certain points in Samuels speech and I could see their impact on him, also on Dean.
“Wait so Zeke… Gadreel you're the reason that we have the whole good and evil thing?” Dean was the first one to find his voice and he seemed rather clueless, but also as if he wanted to ignore the fact that he was mentioned in the rant.
“No Dean Winchester. I am the one who left my post to see my brother. I was tricked into leaving and I regret it every day.” Dean seemed to analyse me, as if checking to see if I was telling the truth.
“You healed Sammy right?” He asked as if this was the deciding question. I nodded.
“He did Dean trust me. Never been better.” Sam added, still glaring at Castiel.
“All right I believe you Sam, but I guess that means you're on probation here at the bunker with Kevin.” He said with a shrug and a sweep of his hands. I had no problem with this as I was going to ask if I might stay and heal anyway.
“Yes that is agreeable Dean.” Dean nodded and it seemed that fixed the tension in the room. Instead of Cas staring at Sam he turned to Dean with an open expression.
“Yeah Cas come on. We've all made mistakes and I think he's certainly paid for them and it would be better if we had another angel around to help watch the bunker too. Don't look at me like that Cas.” Dean replied to the hurt look Castiel sent him.
“Anyway I asked him to help heal Sam, I couldn't let him die could I? And finally if Sam says he's okay then Sam means he's okay, I trust him.” Sam smiled at Dean and walked over to hug him.
“Thanks Dean. I’ll show him his room yeah?” Sam asked while pointing to the door.
“Yeah of course.” Dean replied. It was then Kevin who stood up and huffed a breath.
“Yeah thanks for asking guys! I'm great with another angel staying here all day, no worries I can handle it. Thank for the reassurances of my safety guys. God. Anyway welcome to the family Gadreel, your gonna want to run sometime soon. I’ll help you find the exit when you do.” He sounded slightly angry as he left but he had a right it seemed everyone forgot he was there while they were deciding if I was good or not.
“Sorry.” Dean and Sam shouted after him.
“Come on Gadreel. I’ll show you your room.” Sam said leading me towards the door. When Castiel spoke up.
“Gadreel if you hurt anyone in this bunker I swear on Fathers name…” He trailed off. It was not hard to miss his point all together though. I nodded.
“I had no plans of hurting anyone in this bunker, but thank you for the extra incentive not to brother.” I said as I looked him in the eye. And then I followed Sam to the room he had chosen as my own. Incidentally happening to be right next to his, it was nice, the notion that he chose to be closer to me. He left me at the door with a happy good night and walked into his room. Leaving me to become comfortable in my own one. Happy to be close to him but sad to feel so far.
Time was moving faster than I had ever thought that it could. It took me two weeks to be fully healed and by that time I had passes Deans test it seems and I had full movement around the bunker and was even brought on a case. We were close to finding Abaddon and killing her, but until then I was on bunker duty which really just involved me getting to understand human culture through the television. Which Kevin and I ended up watching one hour of at least every day, mostly because I found his commentary highly amusing and informative. It was funny but oddly fitting the situation that Sam and Dean had created at the bunker. Even better was the constant fact that Castiel was always at dinner though he did not eat anything. Neither did I but I like being there of course, however everyone was apparent at the dinner table no matter what. Dean and Castiel's domesticity was rather sweet and Castiel seemed kinder when interacting with Dean. It was the day after my hunt with Sam and Dean that had ended in a fight between the three of us and a group of Metatron's angels. To which Castiel and his own group showed up a little bit too late, because Metatron had already fled.
I had been too concerned with Sams injuries to check if any of them knew who I was, but Sam ended up being relatively unharmed. Only bruises and tiny scrapes. He had joked that it was the easiest fight he had ever gotten into. The way he looked at me was as if I was being unreasonable. I was not I just wanted him to be alight, to which he replied with a laugh that he was ‘dandy’. We turned to Dean and Castiel and saw Dean telling Castiel about what happened and how I helped save them a few times, which sounded very unhelpful. It wasn't if I would allow them to die, nor any harm come to them. I said this out loud and Castiel seemed to thank me grudgingly.
After that Sam had been there all the time and it was wonderful we started having conversations like we did when I was in his soul but they were not the same. It felt no different and I felt myself becoming happier each day. One day Sam and I had gone outside of the bunker to sit in the sun for a bit. We were talking out childhoods and I was telling him a story about the time when Gabriel played a prank on Raphael to make his wings three times larger, and how he kept stumbling and tripping in them. It was a good memory. When Sam put his arms on either side of my head and he pressed his lips to mine. It was such a new sensation to me being kissed that my mouth fell open almost instantly. I would not have guessed it but Samuels lips are very soft and warm. It is such a different sensation all together that I got lost in trying to understand it.
I placed my hands on Sam's arms and tugged him closer. He was a good kisser judging by how nice it felt, and the pleased noises I was releasing. He pulled back and smiled at me, it was a smile of content and joy, a smile I promised then and there to put on his mouth any time that I was capable. He leaned back down and we turned in the grass to look at each other. He looked at me like I was his Earth and if that was to be true than he was my sun.
“I think I'm in love with you Gadreel.” Sam said to me. Looking serious but sill content. It was fascinating how he could help that look on his face, it was also amazing because of how beautiful it made him look.
“I have to tell you Samuel Winchester I have been in love with you ever since you told me that you forgave me.” I said as I rested my forehead on his as he laughed at me.
“What are we going to do about this now?” Asked with a smile.
“I suppose we will stay the same only there will be more of this.” I replied as I kissed him. It was wonderful and everything I could ever ask for. The perfect sliding together of puzzle pieces that fit to create a beautiful image together. Sam hummed into the kiss and soon the day melted into a blissful afternoon. It was true we were the same we just had each others bodies as company as well as our minds.
Time passed and we worked harder. It took us three more weeks to find Abaddon and the fight we had when we did find her was terrible and I almost lost Sam. It took both Castiel and I to kill her once and for all, but when it was over the rest of the Demons were killed by Castiels army. The only problem we had to face was Metatron, who was starting to lose his members of his army to either Castiel or the groups who had decided to remain neutral. Metatron was losing and seemed to know it. Never before had the scales looked so heavily in Dean or Sams favour, Sam had told me one night. He said it worried him because the underdog always tried harder to win, and it was the main reason they did. I was not afraid Metatron was no fighter and it would be rather simple to finish him off. The highlight of the last two months was the Day that Dean had left to get some supplies from the grocery store he kissed Castiel before he left. It was funny to see my little brother turn bright red and stutter a goodbye to Dean who looked like it had not registered in his brain that he had just kissed Castiel. Sam was almost in tears to keep himself from laughing and I was hiding my smile behind my hand. Things were looking up.
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It had been a year since the death of Metatron and the free return of all the angels to heaven, which was now run by Hanna. And it had been one year since Sam retired from hunting officially. Instead he planted a garden in the grass around the bunker and we made it a home for us all. Charlie had come back from Oz to much joy from Dean and Sam and was welcomed into life at the bunker faster than originally thought. Kevin had lost his prophet abilities and went to find his mother, which he did three months into his search. It is mainly due to the fact that Crowley was so scared of him he would bend over backwards to keep himself alive. So they had moved to a house in Salt Lake City where Kevin was currently attending school. Charlie was currently dating a very nice girl and they were planning on moving in together at the end of this month.
Castiel and Dean had decided to push the envelope and get married which they did in a beautiful church in Dakota. Castiel had retired and became a teacher who keeps bees, and Dean was a fireman. He said it was because he like fire but everyone understood that saving people was a huge part of his character and he could to drop it. The lived in the bunker as well and it was unanimously declared as home base. Sam and I have lived there for eleven months but we found a house we wanted to buy and decided to do it.
Never in a million years when I was stuck in Heaven did I think I would get something along the likes I have with Sam. It is like waking up with your best friend and seeing things together and talking to each other, and learning about the others day. Sam is going to school here to become a lawyer again. It is funny to hear his commentary when studying and how he talks about the fake cases he is forced to defend in class. I work as a carpenter and am still working on furnishing our home. In all respects I feel whole, I have a better connection with my brothers and sisters who have helped to create a balance in the world and are becoming far more prevalent to the religious believers. They are also smiting any demons who walk onto the Earth ridding most hunters of that problem.
I look at Sam in the morning light and smile we fought long and hard to get here and I did not know it but I feel as if I had been searching for him my whole life. I brushed some hair out of his face and he turned to look up at me. Bleary eyed from sleep but smiling that contented smile from our first kiss, in fact it had never seemed to leave and had remained on his face for the year and a half since it had appeared.
“Hello love was it me you’re looking for?” He asked me with a sleepy grin.
“Yes I checked the lost and found many times but never could quite catch you. Are you free tonight?” I asked with a smile. He kissed my cheek lazily and hummed.
“Wonderful.”
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SO I guess that's it if there are any spelling mistakes please tell me so I can change them. Also I was wondering if I should make this a separate universe and write some more on the time line.