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Lewis McCartney wakes up and immediately wants to go back to sleep. He doesn't feel good, but he knows that he's not sick because he's felt like this for a few months now.
He doesn't know what it is, but something just doesn't feel right. He itches to get out of his own skin, begging for a body that feels more like what he wants to be. He won't admit this to anyone, but that voice in his head, telling him that he doesn't look right and making him feel pain when he's called a guy is the reason he started growing his hair out.
Sighing, he gets out of bed and gets dressed. Throwing on a fishing shirt and jeans, he heads out of his room, trying to get his things together before he has to leave for school.
"Oi, Lewis!" Lenny hollers from downstairs. "Can you help get the twins breakfast? I have to head to class early."
"I guess so. When do you plan on getting home tonight?"
"I think about five. Thanks, Lewis! You're the best!"
"I try."
After making the twins breakfast, which wasn’t an easy feat because they both seem to really like making messes of their food despite being in year seven, Lewis goes to grab himself a piece of toast and some orange juice before putting on his shoes.
“Leo, Lucas, you’d better get your shoes on if you want to make it to school!” Lewis hollers as he heads out the door. Hopefully, they listen to him.
After he gets to school, he tries to find the girls, but before he can, he is stopped by Ms. Taylor.
“Mr. McCartney, would you be able to help me get some microscopes set up for class today? I have some things that I’d like to discuss with you.”
“Of course, Ms. Taylor.” Lewis tries to keep a smile on his face, but he ends up with more of a grimace because, to him, being called Mr. stung.
“Are you feeling alright, Lewis?” Ms. Taylor asks, seemingly noticing Lewis’ grimace.
“Yes, ma’am.” He forces out a smile.
Ms. Taylor has fifteen microscopes that she needs help setting up. While doing this, Lewis has plenty of time to mull over his thoughts.
I don’t know. Why is being referred to as male causing me so much discomfort? I am a guy, right? I certainly don’t feel like a woman. While women are beautiful, I don’t think that I want to look like that. I want to look somewhere in-between, be perceived as somewhere in the middle or off the chart entirely. But am I a guy or a girl? There’s not a gender in-between or anything like that, right?
Once he gets done with the microscopes, he remembers that Ms.Taylor wanted to speak to him.
“Ms. Taylor, did you need to talk to me about something?”
“Yes, I did, Lewis. I was wondering how Lenny was doing. I heard that he was developing some plant crosses at his greenhouse for a university project, and I figured you would know about some of his developments.”
“His project is coming along rather well. It’s helped him get several different job offers in the area, so he’s thinking that he may be able to get a solid job almost immediately after graduation.
“Well, that’s amazing, Lewis. You’ll have to wish him luck for me.”
"I will, Ms. Taylor. Thank you.”
Lewis doesn’t actually find the girls until lunch. Over said lunch, they decide to discuss after-school plans.
“I have to work at the café after school,” Emma says.”I can meet up with you guys after closing, though, if you want.”
“That works for me,” Cleo replies as Rikki nods in agreement. “Lewis, what about you?”
“I have some research I need to finish up with for Lenny’s greenhouse, but I should be done with that before the café closes, so I should be able to meet up with you guys,” Lewis easily lies. He does have research to do, just not for Lenny’s greenhouse.
“Alright, that sounds like a plan. Meet at Mako at seven?” Emma proposes. She gets three nods in agreement. “That settles it. See you guys then.”
When he gets home, after seeing that the twins are doing their homework, Lewis sits at his computer desk, ready to do some research to see if he can crack this, for lack of a better term, gender issue that he’s dealing with. He puts “gender identities” into the search bar, and after hitting the search key and scrolling for a bit, he comes across the word non-binary. Curious, he tries to find a definition.
“Being non-binary means identifying as something that isn’t exclusively male or female,” one article reads. “This can mean identifying as both male or female, neither female or male, or just somewhere outside of the gender binary without a specific label.”
Lewis scrolls down a bit and finds a segment about pronouns. This one reads: “Pronouns can also vary among non-binary folks. Some may be comfortable with binary pronouns (i.e., he/him or she/her), while others may prefer they/them pronouns or neopronouns (i.e., xe/xer). It is important to ask a non-binary person about their pronouns, as these can be a contributor to gender dysphoria (distress related to a strong desire to be of a different gender).”
Lewis closes his computer and sits silently for a minute. That sounds like me. He sighs a breath of relief and decides to experiment with pronouns.
“This is my brother, Lewis. He’s fifteen, and-” Lewis stops. That doesn’t sound right.
“This is my sister, Lewis. She’s fift-” Lewis stops even more quickly at that one. That sounds even worse.
“This is my, um, sibling, Lewis. They’re fifteen, and they want to be a scientist when they finish school.” Lewis finally finishes the sentence. This time, it sounds right to them. They get this feeling that they’ve never felt before, an exuberant joy, and they know that they’ve found themselves.
Their joy is fairly short-lived, however, as Lenny chooses that time to come home, meaning that it’s five, so they have two hours before they need to be at Mako. They decide that they should go and get something to eat before they have to leave.
“Hey, Lenny,” Lewis greets as they grab some bread, meat, and lettuce for a sandwich. “How were your classes? By the way, Ms. Taylor said to wish you luck with your project.”
“Hey, Lewis. My classes went fairly well, and Professor Jacobs said that he thought that my greenhouse project had real potential. Also, you should thank Ms. Taylor for me the next time that you see her. Are you going off somewhere that you won’t be home to eat?”
“I’m meeting with Cleo, Rikki, and Emma at seven, but I probably have to leave at six-fifteen if I want to get there on time, so I probably won’t be home to eat.”
“Alright. Be home by eleven, and don’t do anything illegal when you leave, alright?”
Lewis sits for a minute, thinking. “Fine,” they reply with a false sigh of hesitance. Could I speak to you in private for a minute, though?”
“Of course,” Lenny replies, already on the stairs to Lewis’ bedroom. “It isn’t going to involve any criminal behavior or anything, is it?”
“Of course not. Do you really think that I’d be stupid enough to sacrifice my future like that?”
Once Lewis gets Lenny into their room, they mentally prepare themselves for what they’re going to admit to their older brother.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Lenny asks, worry etched on his face.
Lewis sighs, thinking about how to say what he wants to without making a fool of himself. “I’ve been thinking a lot about identity recently. Nothing about me has felt right, and I was really hating being referred to in a masculine way. I’ve been doing some research, and I think that I’m non-binary.
“I’m going to be honest with you, Lewis. I don’t know what that means. However, I’m open to learning about what it is. Can you give me a definition or something?” Lenny seems more confused than anything else, but also seems ready to understand whatever Lewis tells him.
“In the way that I use it, it basically means that I don’t identify as a boy or as a girl, but somewhere else on the gender spectrum. I feel a bit more androgynous than anything else. I also prefer they/them pronouns and more gender-neutral labels, like sibling.”
“Thank you, Lewis. I’ll try my best to remember that in the future, but I’m going to be honest with you, I might still screw up sometimes. If I do, though, please correct me. I don’t want to take the easy way out here.”
“Thanks, Lenny. I think that I want to wait until Liam gets home from uni in order to tell the twins so I can think about it a little bit more. Will you help me figure that out sometime?”
“Of course, Lewis. You know I love you, right?” Lenny reaches in for a hug, which Lewis gladly returns.
“Definitely, Lenny. I love you, too.”