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Jay had never thought himself a particularly jealous person. He’d had three little sisters back in Gammora, he’d always shared his toys, put his life on hold to help his parents. And when he finally escaped, free in some new country where nothing felt free at all, he put his mind to good use. Wanted to help people in any way he could. Spread the Truth, help those who needed helping. He never thought himself selfish.
Except with Jon. With Jon he felt like a drowning fish scrambling for air. With Jon he felt like this tiny speck in the huge, great big world.
He reminded himself that he was good for Jon. Healthy, safe. Someone he didn’t need to worry about, didn’t need to spare a second thought. Didn’t need to protect. He was the only thing Jon had that he didn’t need to stress over, didn’t need his attention.
But then came Damian. Just a boy, a year or two younger than he and Jon. Bristly and callous. He didn’t need protection either. But that didn’t matter to Jon.
The quiet care he took as he dressed his wounds, the soft words between them, the words they didn’t say, those shared looks that Jay knew he’d never understand, the anger— that impossible bubbling rage that went on whenever the other was hurt, cussing the other, cursing at their insolence.
He wasn’t stupid, he knew the way Damian looked at Jon. Sometimes he wondered if Jon saw it too. And even worse were the times where he wondered if Jon ever looked back at Damian like that.
He had tried at first to put it all behind him, to ignore it. But Damian was a difficult person to like, and more difficult still when he’s standing beside your boyfriend swiping a stray hair off his forehead.
They were parallel in all too many things. Born in a distant land, with different customs, different ways of life. They’d never be seen the way Jon was seen. Both were headstrong, too stubborn for their own good. Too commanding, and graced with too much intelligence that often got them into trouble. And worst of all, they both loved Jonathan Kent.
And yet still, with all their similarities, it was their difference that made Damian easy to hate. A boy of privilege, still gnawing on a platinum spoon. He’d want for nothing, not have to work a day in his life, where Jay was painstakingly driven for his own success. Damian ate caviar and drank champagne where Jay sat up to midnight over a cup-o-noodles sorting out his unpaid rent and visa application. How Damian complained about his huge family, how they coddled and doted on him, when Jay hasn’t seen his sisters or his mother in four years. It was painfully unfair, and it hurt even more when Jon just laughed it off. Oh, Jay, Damian doesn’t know how much a pizza costs, isn’t that funny! What a quirky little billionaire.
Jay was invulnerable and yet Damian, sitting on his throne of cash, was the one who couldn’t be hurt.
It was only for Jon that he tried. The three of them went for dinner some nights, before Damian and Jon left to go on patrol. They’d get take out, the vegan burger place near Jon’s apartment, Damian’s favourite.
“Do you know how bad live-stock farming is for the environment?” Damian had spat once when Jay had tried to protest this.
Do you know how expensive faux meat costs? He didn’t say. Or, how much carbon emissions your father’s company releases per year?
Jon had laughed, and shoved Damian playfully as if he didn’t see anything wrong at all.
He hated those nights, hated being a third wheel in his own relationship. How Damian and Jon would take up the side walk, giggling at their own inside jokes as Jay was pushed to the grass road verge.
He hated how sometimes, Damian would glance over at him, and smirk. Saying all the things he’d never dare to say in front of Jon with words.
It made him angry— worse still, it made him petty. He’d reached out to hold Jon’s hand, when Damian was near. Kissed him when he knew Damian was looking, called him pet-names, “Sweetie,” “Babe”, “Beloved.”
It’s that last one that made Damian snap. He wasn’y sure if it’s the word itself, or just the culmination of gratuitous PDA, but he stormed off. And of-course, because Jay shouldn’t have expected any less, Jon followed after him.
He doesn’t call out, or tell Jon to stop. He knew the two were on thin ice since Jon told Damian about his relationship. He’d seen how bad it had gotten. How heartbroken Jon had been. It’d been the first time Jay had ever seen Jon cry. That had been the first time he realised he hated Damian.
He knew Damian had never apologised, and Jon, being Jon, hadn’t even asked him too. They’d just moved on from it. Pretended it never happened.
When Jon got back from following after Damian, he was crying again.
“I think he hates me,” Jon said, trying to wipe his eyes.
He doesn’t hate you, he loves you, that’s the problem. He didn’t say it. Maybe he should. But he didn’t like to think of what would happen if Jon knew. He knew he’d always be the second choice. A chapter in Jon’s story. A little side quest before he woke up and realised it was Damian all along.
Jon may have been his Romeo, but he was just his Rosaline.
He was Briseis to Patroclus and Achilles.
Every look Damian gave him said, ‘I was here before you, and I’ll be here long after you’re gone.”
Maybe, Jay thought as he rubbed Jon’s back, pressing a kiss to his tear stained cheek, he was just as bad as Damian, just as selfish, just as crude. He didn’t need to wedge them apart, Damian held his place for years before Jay ever came along. Maybe he should just leave. Maybe Jon would be happier like that. But he couldn’t, because he was selfish. He couldn’t help but feel the way he did about Jon, how good it felt to be with him, to be the one who got to kiss him, to stoke his cheek, to lean into his space and hold him close.
He knew he was on borrowed time. Because one day Jon would realise the real reason Damian couldn’t stand to see him and Jay together. He was going to figure it out, or someone was going to tell him, and Jay knew exactly what would happen next.
They fight about it sometimes, when Jon cuts their dates short to go help Damian on a case. Or when Damian shows up unannounced at Jon’s apartment, and Jon just lets him inside offering him some of Jay’s popcorn. How Jon lets Damian get away with all his insults, and scathing remarks with a simple chuckle and a, “That’s just how he is.”
He knew he wasn’t fair on Jon when they fought like that. He knew Damian was his best friend, that he meant more to him than Jay ever would and he couldn’t just ask him to shove Damian out of his life. But was only human. And he loathed Damian and envied everything he had with Jon. That wasn’t fair either, he knew, but sometimes he couldn’t seem to care. Maybe he didn’t need Jon to protect him, but he still wanted it anyway. Still wanted Jon to stand up for him, to tell Damian to go away.
“He walks all over me! And you just let him!”
“He doesn’t mean anything by it. He’s isn’t good with new people. You just have to get to know him a little.”
“I don’t want to get to know him! He’s horrible, you just can’t see it.”
“He had a difficult childhood, okay, it isn’t his fault. You just have to give him a chance.”
“We’ve all had difficult childhoods. You don’t see me acting like that!”
“Jay— You don’t get it— it’s really complicated. But he’s trying.”
“You’re supposed to be my boyfriend! I shouldn’t have to share you with some bratty over-privileged high schooler.”
“Don’t say that about him,” Jon was angry now, where was that anger before, when Damian was glowering and spitting casual insults over at Jay?
Jay couldn’t stand it anymore. It hurt too much. He stormed off, told Jon he’d call him later, knowing Jon probably wouldn’t, knowing Jon will just fly over to Gotham. He doesn’t want to picture Damian’s smug little face when he hears about their fight. Doesn’t want to picture him consoling Jon, telling him he’ll always be here for him when Jay isn’t.
When he got home, he let himself cry. He didn’t need to hide it, he knew Jon wasn’t listening, he was too busy with Damian.