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Part 6 of suffocating silence , Part 10 of Idkwts' mdzs fics
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2021-11-30
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I hear my heart breaking tonight (do you hear it too?)

Summary:

Jiang Cheng is dead.

This is how Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian react to learning the news of his passing.

Notes:

Title from Pink in the Night by Mitski

Aftermath of 'I've been blossoming alone over you (and I hear my heart breaking tonight)' with Wei Wuxian and Jin Ling's POV!

I hope everyone likes it!

Work Text:

Jin Ling had forgotten to visit his uncle once again.

He had gone to Gusu with the intention of stopping at Yunmeng after, before going back home. He had chosen not to go directly to Yunmeng because he knew his uncle would berate him for not visiting sooner or more often and would ask him about how he was faring with his duties.

As it turned out, Jin Ling was not the greatest sect leader.

He had learned some from Jin Guangyao, but his education wasn’t close to being finished. They didn’t think he would have to inherit so urgently after all.

He knew he was messing up but everything was overwhelming. The elders wouldn’t get off his back and everywhere he looked he could see a new duty, a new responsibility, a new person he’d failed.

So Jin Ling escaped to Gusu. He went to Cloud’s Recess to see his friends and his uncle who wouldn’t ask him questions. They wouldn’t ask him how he managed to get free time, they wouldn’t ask him about this or that matter and they wouldn’t ask him if he needed help.

He had been enjoying his time when he’d received an urgent summon to Lanling.

He hurried to get to his sword and fly back home. Dismissing Lan Sizhui’s question of “Weren’t you supposed to go see sect leader Jiang? Shouldn’t you inform him you won’t be able to go?”

He arrived in Lanling and dealt with the urgence before going back to his normal duties. He thought of writing to his uncle as Sizhui had suggested, but Jin Ling didn’t like writing letters and he didn’t think his uncle would care or notice anyway.

He went on working for a few weeks before he got an urgent message from Lotus Pier.

His uncle never sent urgent messages, prefering to simply storm in wherever the person he needed to see was.

Jin Ling worriedly opened the message and crumbled to the ground.

Sect leader Jiang, Jiang Cheng, Jiang Wanyin,

Jiujiu,

is dead.

 

_________________________________________

 

Wei Wuxian was happy with his life

He and Lan Wangji were still happy, they still felt the same as when they had first married. He had his son, his nephew, his brother in law and even uncle Qiren.

His life might not be what he thought it would when he was young, but he loved it. He wouldn’t change it for anything.

He missed the life he had before sometimes.

When he was still living with the Jiang.

He missed his sister, he missed uncle and even missed madam Yu sometimes.

And oh how he missed his brother.

He wonders in his moments of weakness, on the nights when he is woken up by nightmares, on nights away from his husband, on nights when the alcohol is his only respite, he wonders what it would’ve been like if he had made different choices.

What if he had told Jiang Cheng? What if he hadn’t gone with the Wen? What if he had gone back to his sect (because no matter what he would never stop thinking of them as his sect). What if he hadn’t killed Jin Zixuan? (He knew it was Su She that had made Wen Ning go out of control, yet on those nights he still couldn’t see how he wasn’t at fault).

What if, what if, what if.

He knew he would never receive an answer. He knew what was done was done and nothing would change. He knew yet he wished and wondered.

He wished he could make up with Jiang Cheng one day. He hopes the other will forgive him for lying. He hopes he’ll be able to apologise to the other properly. Even if he would never regret the choice he had made that day.

He had still chosen to let Jiang Cheng have space. Not wanting to pressure him into a relationship he didn’t wish to have.

Still maybe one day he would be able to go to Lotus Pier with his head held high and belong there once again. Maybe he could meet the people his brother had recruited. The people his brother devoted his life to.

He was contemplating reaching out to his brother again.

He had given him time alone but he missed him and if Jiang Cheng was still mad then they could talk about it or fight about it. It would be better than letting it like this at least. Worst case scenario Jiang Cheng would tell him he didn’t want to have a relationship with him.

Wei Wuxian would be devastated but at least he would have tried. He would have closure.

And anyway he could always try again later too if that was the case.

He knew he wasn’t the best with social interaction so he still decided to get a second opinion on what to do.

He asked his husband about it. Lan Wangji would know what to do.

His husband told him not to.

That if Jiang Cheng hadn’t reached out then he didn’t want a relationship or wasn’t ready yet.

Wei Wuxian wasn’t sure about that but he trusted his husband and chose not to send the letter.

He went on with his routine, annoying Lan Qiren, fussing over his son, enjoying his husband’s company.

Everything was good.

Everything was peaceful.

Lan Qiren barged into the Hanshi.

The man’s sudden appearance had surprised the two people drinking tea at the table.

Lan Qiren was holding a letter with the Yunmeng seal on it. Looking distraught.

Wei Wuxian felt worry building up as he waited for the man to speak.

Wei Wuxian wished he had never spoken.

“Sect leader Jiang has passed”

Wei Wuxian felt his world collapse again.

___________________________________________

 

The days passed numbly. The funeral came and went. He was given his uncle’s spiritual weapon. Zidian. Jin Ling didn’t think he deserved to have it but he could not bear to part from it. He could not bear the thought of anyone else wielding it.

He hadn’t taken a break from work since his jiujiu’s death. Anytime he stopped even to eat all he could think of was how he hadn’t seen his uncle for months before he passed. Before he killed himself.

All he could think of was how it was his fault he had died.

If only he had gone to see him. If only he hadn’t dismissed him so easily.

He knew it was useless to think of it now yet he could not stop himself.

He was in Gusu; the elders had forced him to go because of a letter from Lan Qiren asking for him personally.

He was speaking to Lan Qiren, surrounded by Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi, Ouyang Zizhen and other disciples his age when Lan Xichen arrived.

Lan Xichen.

Jin Ling had forgotten about Lan Xichen.

Jin Ling had forgotten about his uncle’s fiancé.

About the man who was supposed to have been by his side.

About the man who hadn’t even bothered to show his face at the funeral.

Jin Ling glared as the man approached and bowed. He didn’t bother returning the courtesy. He owed nothing to someone like him.

He watched as the man took in their appearance before he spoke.

“My condolences. May I ask who’s passing we are mourning?”

Jin Ling saw red.

He wanted to scream and cry and fight the man but the words wouldn’t come out.

He saw a strange expression cross his face. He was staring at his wrist. At Zidian.

“Wanyin…?” His voice was low and scared.

Jin Ling could only see the vague shape of Lan Xichen’s form hitting the ground through the tears now rolling down his cheeks.

“How?”

Lan Xichen had dared ask. Lan Xichen who had ignored every letter sent to him, every attempt to inform him, who hadn’t even been present at the funeral dared to ask how.

“He stopped his body’s function with his core.”

The man still looked lost somehow. Like he didn’t understand what he said.

“He killed himself Zewu-jun.”

He wondered if he was heartless saying it like that but he found he didn’t care as he walked away to find a secluded place to give himself a second to mourn.

 

_____________________________________

 

He should have sent the letter.

That was all Wei Wuxian could think of after he had heard the news.

Through the funeral.

After he’d paid his respects to his brother, his sister, uncle Jiang, madam Yu.

He should have sent the letter.

He hadn’t succeeded in protecting them.

He had failed them all.

He should have sent the letter.

Maybe if he had Jiang Cheng would still be alive.

Maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself with the golden core he had given him.

If only he had sent it.

If only he had sent the letter.

Wei Wuxian had tried to go on as he normally did.

Tried to keep going as if nothing was wrong.

He couldn’t.

He knew it was his fault.

If only he had sent that dreaded letter.

Wei Wuxian alternated between blaming Jiang Cheng, hating himself for doing so, then blaming himself and blaming the world.

Still no matter who he blamed he knew it didn’t change the fact that he was to blame.

He hadn’t really seen Jin Ling since the funeral.

He was unable to look at the boy.

He was too similar to him.

He only reminded him of his failure as a brother.

He had trouble looking at anyone. Not just the boy.

His husband had tried to reach out to him. Had tried to get him to function again.

They had fought that night.

Wei Wuxian was blaming the world.

His husband had told him he didn’t need to send that letter.

That damned letter.

That cursed letter.

Wei Wuxian didn’t think anything would ever be as it was again.

He didn’t want them to be either.

If only he had done more.

Maybe he could have saved him.

He should have sent the letter.

He should have sent the letter.