Work Text:
For the 3rd night in a row, Brian can't sleep. His mind is clouded with clashing thoughts; thoughts of Alex. It's been a week since he'd moved away, but Brian still felt a bitter hurt in his chest, feeling like a hole had been drilled through his heart.
He's so angry at Alex… but at the same time… is he? He feels so crestfallen for a reason, and Brian doesn't want to admit it, but he knows why. He knows how his heart used to pound whenever Alex got near him. He knows how many times his cheeks turned pink around Alex.
But now he's gone. Brian knows he has to get himself together, dispel the stupid thoughts of a love-blinded idiot. He gets up, getting some paper and a pen as he goes. Calmly, he goes downstairs, puts the paper and pen on the kitchen table and makes some tea. If he wanted a hope of sleeping, coffee wasn't an option, besides, in his opinion, tea tastes much nicer. He takes a sip and tries to clear his mind. No luck.
He sits down at the table, putting the tea next to the paper and picking up the pen. He starts;
Reasons I hate you
Brian stares at his messy handwriting, the words on the page. The wet ink glistens in the dim moonlight and Brian feels a pang of regret. He doesn't want to do this. He knows how he feels about Alex, he doesn't hate him, Brian l-
No. He determinedly writes his first point.
You moved without telling me, no goodbye, no nothing.
Brian remembers when he found out Alex was gone.
It had been one or two days since he'd seen Alex, and he was worried. He'd asked Jay if he knew anything, and to his dismay, Jay told him how Alex had moved away. Brian got angry and Jay tried to explain how he thought Alex would've told him, but all that echoed in Brian's mind was pure anger. Alex had told Jay… but not him. Brian hated to admit it, but he was jealous of Jay. He still is. Jay had been the victor. Jay had won Alex's affection. Jay had been Alex's boyfriend. At that moment, anger burning in his mind, Brian stormed off after ranting to Jay, taking his anger out on Jay unfairly. Jay never contacted him again after that, and Brian's fine with that.
A thought occurs to Brian; he never asked what happened to Jay and Alex. Were they still together? Surely not? It's been 3 months since Alex moved, and anyone could see Alex and Jay weren't happy together anymore…
He shakes the thought from his mind. It's none of his business. Jay won't want to talk to him anyway. He continues.
You treated all of us like shit.
Alex had been so… agitated before he moved. He'd taken it out on everyone. Jay and Brian were always the ones trying to calm him down, meaning they often got the worst of it. Brian frowns as he thinks of the fact that Jay probably got even more shit, since he was practically glued to Alex. Brian feels worse for yelling at him about Alex now. He writes his next point;
You are a terrible person.
Brian stares at his 3rd reason. He knows it isn't true. No matter how hard he tries, he can't forget the times before they started filming Marble Hornets. The old Alex. The Alex who he went to a carnival with. The Alex he used to play Dungeons and Dragons with. The Alex who had to have everything perfect, the Alex he remembers loving with his heart and soul. Nevertheless, Brian pushes on.
You hate me back.
Brian stops. The paper glistens with not only the pen ink, but now with a tear that fell a moment ago. Brian sniffs and wipes his eye. He doesn't care. Alex hates him and he hates Alex right back. He knows what he needs to do.
Brian grabs his phone and dials a number he hasn't called in a long time. He wonders if Alex will even pick up, if he'll care.
The phone rings twice before Brian is sent to voicemail. Did Alex recognise his number?
"Hey, sorry I can't get to the phone right now, leave a message!" Alex's answer phone, recorded before anything happened, flooded Brian's ears. He feels a pang of sadness, hearing Alex's voice, hearing the old Alex's voice. The Alex he'll never see again.
Brian swallows and speaks after a moment of silence. "Hey Alex. It's me. Brian."
His voice echoes around the empty kitchen. "I… I'm honestly not sure why I called. I doubt you'll even listen to this. I guess this is closure for me? I don't know. Just know that I…"
Brian finds it hard to get the words out. Love you, hate you, love you, hate you. The right words hang in the air, out of reach, is it love or hate?
"I…" Brian desperately tries to just say the words.
He stares at the moon. It's bright and full tonight, gleaming.
"I miss you." The words slipped out without Brian even being away. "I miss the old you. I miss the guy I used to hang out with and get takeout with and have fun with."
Brian paused. "I loved him. I don't know where he's gone, but just know… I loved him."
The silence was deafening. Maybe it's better if Alex doesn't listen to it.
"I'm not going to see you, the real you, again, am I?" Brian says more quietly. His only answer was the silence of the night, as expected. "Goodbye Alex."
Brian hesitates, then hangs up.
Alex was gone, and nothing would ever get him back.