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In the midst of the Moonchase Festival, Lumine presented her friends with a most curious object.
“It’s a claymore,” she declared.
Everyone stared at the object in her hands, which was most decidedly not a blade, but rather…
Seeing the mixture of doubt and incredulity on their faces, she repeated herself. “It’s a claymore. Linyang told me so. She gave this to me as a reward for my efforts.”
“Um, no matter how you look at it, that’s a fish,” Chongyun was first to point out.
“If you can hold it in two hands and hurt people with it, it’s a claymore,” the outlander insisted, giving the dried fish a test smack against the ground. “See? It’s sturdy. And more importantly… They say that when it’s used in combat, it can summon a titanic tuna.”
“No matter how—”
“A TITANIC TUNA?!”
Xingqiu’s question was cut off by Xiangling and Diona’s identical exclamations as the cook and the catgirl darted to either of Lumine’s sides, their eyes practically sparkling.
Lumine nodded in complete seriousness. “I haven’t seen it for myself yet,” she warned, “but that’s what I was told.”
“We. Need. To. See. It.”
“I wonder if it’ll be as big as Childe’s whale? Or even the legends of Rex Lapis’ Geo Whale!”
Chongyun and Xingqiu knew a lost cause when they saw one. Now that those two had this so-called titanic tuna in their heads, they weren’t going to be satisfied until they saw it for themselves. Meanwhile, Diona, Lumine, and Xiangling had turned to deliberating amongst themselves, ignorant of the defeated gazes from their male companions.
“None of the three of us can actually wield this, though…”
“Oh, but Chongyun can!” At the mention of his name, the boy froze in place.
“Eh? Wait,” Xiangling interjected. “Chongyun can wield it, but wouldn’t his abilities make the tuna freeze up instantly? Would that affect the quality of the meat?”
Diona gasped. “You’re right! If the fish isn't frozen properly, it’s not gonna taste very good…”
“Hmm… And if we give it to someone with a Pyro Vision, chances are the fish might get an uneven distribution of heat, which would affect its flavor and how we would prepare it…”
“That said, we don’t know whether this tuna will be conscious once it is summoned,” Lumine added as she brought a hand to her chin. “If its size is truly as great as the rumors say, it may be difficult to subdue it. We need a way to stun it quickly.”
“Stun it…?” Xiangling’s eyes widened. “Then Big Sis Beidou’s the best person for the job! She has experience dealing with big sea monsters, too!”
“Good thinking!” “Titanic tuna, here we come~!”
Unbeknownst to the three, Xingqiu was having a wheezing fit behind them, while Chongyun was watching on in nervous apprehension. Xingqiu had looked up the claymore and was well aware of the disappointment that awaited them, but seemed to be in no rush to forewarn them.
“Um, Xingqiu, should we stop them…? Or tell them what this… uh, claymore actually does before they do something stupid?”
“Warn? Oh, Chongyun,” Xingqiu shook his head slowly, a devious smirk crossing his lips. “What we need… is an audience.”
Chongyun groaned.
Shortly thereafter, Beidou, Childe, and Kazuha had joined the odd group. Kazuha was aboard the Alcor when the three girls went to find Beidou and decided to tag along, while Childe had been roped along from the combined powers of Lumine, Xingqiu, and his own boredom.
“So you’re telling me that I need to muster up all my elemental energy, hit an enemy with it, and a titanic tuna will come flying out?” Beidou tapped the fish on the ground as the three girls nodded in tandem. “Huh. This thing is really sturdy. The hell did they salt it with?”
Childe leaned against a tree, crossing his arms. “I gotta say, the fish here are nowhere as big as the ones in Snezhnaya. I wonder how this ‘titanic tuna’ will fare.”
“Captain Beidou, about this ‘titanic tuna’…”
“Do I really believe it’s gonna summon some huge fish? Well,” Beidou contemplated the fish in her hands, narrowing her eyes before she shrugged, an impassive expression crossing her face. “Can’t say I’ve seen anything like that, but never say never. No harm in trying it out, at least.”
Xingqiu was hiding his expression behind his book, while Chongyun had long given up on the whole situation, opting to sit under the shade of the trees and watch how everything played out.
Adjusting her grip, Beidou broke into a run towards a lone wandering hilichurl. The girls’ expressions lit up in excitement.
“The power that slew Haishan!” Mustering all her strength, Beidou gathered Electro energy and drove the fish claymore into the ground, knocking the hapless hilichurl down in the process. Upon impact, what emerged was…
Something that was most certainly not a titanic tuna.
A bunch of small fish flew out of the point of impact. They came into contact with Beidou’s Electro shield, getting zapped by the electricity and flopping to the ground as the party stared in silence. Xiangling and Diona’s eager expressions morphed into ones of despair, while Lumine stared blankly.
“T-titanic tuna…?”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve fished up bigger tuna from the Bishui River,” Childe helpfully supplied.
For his part, Kazuha had quietly begun gathering the fish. When that was done, he stood before the two despondent girls. “They might not have been what we expected, but they are still of fine quality. Would you like me to teach you how to make Inazuman salted fish?”
“I can show you some Snezhnayan recipes too,” Childe chimed in as consolation.
Xiangling nodded, even though her expression hadn’t changed in the slightest. Then, she spied Xingqiu’s quivering form, having turned away to suppress his laughter. “Xingqiu! You knew this would happen, didn’t you!”
“Uh, that’s—” Chongyun raised his hands to try and placate the indignant chef.
“Guoba, get him!”
On command, Guoba started rolling at Xingqiu with startling speed, looking not unlike a Geovishap Hatchling. Xingqiu nimbly dodged Guoba’s first spray of fire, then took to running in loops around the rest of the group as he narrowly dodged the rest of Guoba’s attacks.
While that was happening, Xiangling started a fire under a nearby cooking pot. The rest of the group made a circle around it, staring at their small pile of fish.
“Maybe we should leave one for Mr. Knocked-Out Hilichurl. I feel bad now,” Diona pouted. “He was minding his own business when he got assaulted for a dozen tiny, wimpy fish.”
“But if it was a titanic tuna, you wouldn’t feel bad?” Kazuha replied.
Diona’s expression was completely serious. “No. It would’ve gone out in a blaze of glory.”
“More like a flop of glory, if you ask me,” Childe teased. “The blaze of glory would’ve been cooking the titanic tuna.”
Lumine stared at the Luxurious Sea-Lord, disdain clearly etched on her face. “The titanic tuna was a lie,” she muttered. Then, her expression softened. “Actually, I do know someone that could make use of it…”
A trip to Angel’s Share later, and she was pushing the fish into Diluc’s hands. “A gift. For you. For the Dawn Winery.”
“Is that so?” Diluc gave her a questioning look. “What’s the occasion?”
“There’s no occasion. I don’t need it. But you collect strange things and display them in the Dawn Winery. It won’t look out of place there.”
Diluc contemplated her words. “I collect strange things?”
“Like the garish vase.”
(That was Kaeya’s doing, actually.)
“…I see. Thank you, then.”
“By the way, this thing summons fish.”
“Pardon?”
“It summons a ton of tiny tuna. Not a titanic tuna. Just tiny tuna.” Without further explanation, Lumine turned on her heels and marched out of the tavern, leaving Diluc holding the swordlike fish in both hands, as if he were holding a prize catch.
Much later, when Diluc ended up testing the Luxurious Sea-Lord out of sheer curiosity…
Diluc approached the fallen Abyss Mage, staring at the flame-grilled tuna littered around its limp body. As Diluc broke its Cryo shield with his phoenix, a bunch of fish had come out of nowhere, smacking the monster in the face and distracting it long enough for Diluc to get a clean hit in, felling it in a single blow.
“So that’s what she meant.”
Diluc stared at one of the fish, then picked it up. He contemplated it.
“Maybe this’ll make a nice post-workout meal.”