Dick always has to think for a moment to figure what time it was in Star City. Minus one, two, three— It's only 10 pm there.
He's in his bedroom, because Bruce actually put literal motion sensors on the window with anti-tampering technology and an alarm loud enough to wake the Drakes, let alone Alfred. He "re-organized" his closet two hours ago when Bruce left for patrol alone, by pulling all of the boxes and shoes out of it and into the middle of the floor. Then he crawled into the empty space underneath his hanging coats and dress pants and sat down.
He might scream if he doesn't do something. And it's only 10 pm in California.
True to form, Roy replies in about half a second.
Royssup
Roynight owl
Royyou're not working are u?
Dick:still grounded
Dick:can i ask you something
Roysucks man
Royyeah shoot, ask
Dick:i think i was psychologically damaged or something by this whole you know. work thing
Royjoin the fucking club
Roywait we already have one and you're the president, dude
Right. Yes. Dick wishes more than anything that he was at the Tower right now. That he and Roy both were, so they could speak in person. It would be easier to ask the question that he wants to ask, which is Do you think it's possible that dressing up as a boy to fight crime every night since I was nine years old made me confused?
Dick:ha, ha
Dick:it fucking sucks being grounded. i can't stand it
Royyou miss it?
More than you know. Dick leans his head against the Flying Graysons poster. He moved it to his closet wall a year or so ago to protect it from light damage. Now he's grinding his gross sixteen year old greasy hair all over it. Fuck.
Dick:sometimes I don't know who i am out of uniform
Dick:do you ever feel like that, haha?
Roysometimes i'll look in the mirror and get mad at that guy for not like working as hard as the guy in the uniform. though we're the same guy. idk. it sounds like you're talking about something different?
Dick:i look in the mirror and think who is that?
Dick:like my face. it doesn't look like me
Roydo you mean like you've changed?
Dick:no
Dick:not really
Roysorry
Roywhat do you mean?
Dick gulps in lungfuls of air. He kicks the closet door open another few inches and the influx of fresh air feels better. Get a good look, he thinks at the imaginary adversaries watching him through telescopes. There's Robin, hiding in a closet like a scared little girl.
Suddenly it becomes do-or-die in his own head. He has to do it tonight. He has to tell someone and it has to be Roy and it has to be now.
Dick:i like myself in uniform better
Royi mean you look pretty great in it
Roykind of like a certain other dashing kid superstar in a domino ;)
Dick:yeah how i look (which is cooler than you) but also how you guys treat me you know, like a man
The second Dick presses send he wishes he could take it back. Why did he do that? And why did he say "man" like he's someone important and whatever like Batman? It's just that if he said "boy" it would make him sound like he was twelve years old or something.
Roy doesn't answer for a long couple minutes. Dick starts typing frantically.
Dick:and i know it's for the cover that you guys call me "he" and all that. and it was even my idea in the first place, not bruce's, he didn't make me do anything or make me keep doing it after, you know, puberty. it isn't weird like that.
Royshit. dude, i'm sorry. are we like..treating you differently off the field? i really never thought i was but i guess i didn't notice. you're our leader you know and we all respect you like, completely.
Dick:no roy, it's not that. you didn't do anything wrong
Roywell fuck, i had a heart attack there
Royi always figured the whole uniform thing, like the whole 'having one' and the name and everything, was your idea
Dick:yeah, kind of
Royi don't think anyone has a problem having a girl in charge. and if they did i'd point them out and let you deal with them
Dick:yeah.
Dick:okay, listen for a second, i'm just gonna say something
Royok listening
Dick:the worst part of being grounded is i have to be a girl all the time. and i don't like it
Dick:that was it
Dick:if you fell asleep i'm going to kill you with lasers
Roywhat don't you like about it?
Dick:alfred calls me "miss" and i like, can't be in this house
Dick:but B put locks on the windows
Roywhat a paranoid fuck
Royyou don't like being called that?
Dick:no. or any of it
Dick:the girl stuff. it was fine when i was younger, but i don't know, maybe i can't separate myself from the uniform anymore
Royokay i'm gonna take a shot in the dark here, and tell me if i got it wrong again. this sounds like a gender thing? you know how i mean?
Dick suddenly feels like he's about to cry. Someone knows. Roy knows. There's really no going back.
Dick:or i ruined my brain with the uniform thing and i have messed up associations that make me feel worthless outside of the uniform and like i'm disconnected from my own body when i'm not wearing it. and i can't separate that from people thinking i'm a boy
Roywell, back up. first off i'm pretty sure all us kids feel worthless out of uniform, that's basically a perk of the job
Royit doesn't have to do with gender necessarily
Dick:okay but did anyone else crossdress starting age nine
Royi was wearing heels and lipstick age six
Roybut it's not the same thing, i know
Dick:every night for seven years
Royyeah i'm sure that shit could confuse anyone
Roybut you said it was your idea
Dick:and B let me. is that weird?
Royits kind of like those celebrities with their gender nonconforming kids right? it's cool and good parenting or whatever. not that i want to accuse B of anything crazy like that
Royhere's a question. what would you have done if he tried to stop you?
Dick:okay, yeah, that's a point
Roythat's why you come to me with your problems, baby :) one stop shop problem-fixer here
Dick:make me ungrounded or you're fired
Royharsh!
Roycould you sneak out?
Dick:locks on the windows. i'd get double grounded by alfred
Royyikes :(
Royi have a question now. what would make you happiest?
Dick:what do you mean
Roylike please believe me when i say i know this is easier said than done but, fuck all the uniform shit. in your like "real" life, what would make you happy?
Roylike a fucking hallmark card
Dick presses his forehead against the Flying Graysons poster. What a question. Leave it to Roy to say something impossible without any shame at all.
He's having trouble breathing again. He kicks the closet door and sticks his foot out. Only a little bit of new air circulates, but maybe he'll suddenly get the power to absorb oxygen through his pores and get it through his foot. Or something.
Dick:i am happy
Royokay, but happy like you recognize yourself in the mirror
Dick:man
Dick:i don't know
Dick:there's just me and there's robin. i want to be him. Him
Roythat sounds pretty clear to me
Royi don't think bruce or any amount of fucked up childhood can go into your brain and change around your wants and needs
Roymaybe for some of us plebians out here but not for you rob
Dick:right.
Dick:i think that they probably can. but it's nature vs nurture, right? the end product is still the end product, it's just an argument about how you got there
Royright. you've convinced me
Royso
Roywould it make you happier?
Dick:i dont know
Dick:how do i even figure that out
Roy...i don't know
Roysorry
Dick:no, it's good
Dick:hey
Dick:thanks, roy
