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Levi would have to be blind not to notice the changes in Eren’s behavior. They were small, gradual, hidden in the subtle drooping of his shoulders, the dulling of the once sharp passion that lived in his eyes. Interactions between him and everyone else became sparse. Not even Armin or Mikasa seemed able to get through. The few times Levi approached him, straightforward and blunt, Eren simply shook him off. Despite being almost a foot taller, the man focused on Levi’s feet, and Levi had to fight not to snap in his face and demand his attention.
Levi was simply too socially inept to push the matter.
Hange noticed too, pulling Eren in for impromptu tests, unscheduled examinations, and when she got really desperate, even gave him the day off.
Nothing helped.
Levi never thought he'd miss the days of Eren’s relentless energy and anger that fueled even Levi’s desire to fight.
Fight. Fight. Fight.
Eren was losing.
And Levi didn’t know how to help him, so he left him alone.
Which is why it came as a surprise when Eren came to his room.
Training that day had been light in preparation for another expedition outside the walls, with both of them spending more time around a recently re-drawn map instead of outside in the fresh air, soaring among the trees and dreaming about breaking through the walls once and for all. Levi’s nights were already confined to his desk full of mundane paperwork and stale air, he wanted to be outside when he could, even if the walls still held him captive.
That night, elbow deep in some inconsequential request for more vegetable rationings that Hange would never be able to pass, Levi had almost startled when the knock came to the door.
Three short knocks, strong and quick in a rhythm that could only be Eren. Even if his normal actions had become muted, at the core of him he was always the same.
Eren hadn’t come to his room in over a year.
Levi cleared his throat. “Come in.”
The door creaked open, Eren stepping in quickly, eyes cast down just as they’d been for months. He looked as though he was steeling himself for something.
“Captain,” Eren said, and took a deep breath in. “Can you do something for me?”
His eyes remained glued to the floorboards, as though the fucking worn wood was the most interesting thing he’d seen.
“Depends. Will you look me in the eye?”
Eren’s gaze slowly travelled up, the once brilliant green meeting Levi’s eyes. And that motion, the slow, almost begrudging, speed as he forced himself to look at Levi, made something deep within him ache.
The last time Eren had stood there, he’d also had trouble meeting Levi’s eyes.
Three short knocks, strong and quick, a commonplace these nights. Eren always brought him tea before he himself went to bed.
“Come in.”
Only this time when Eren entered, he didn’t have a steaming cup of tea. And instead of placing the cup so delicately on the table that it hardly clinked while fervent eyes took in Levi’s hunched over form, Eren stayed where he was, head turned down as though he was studying the floor. His body was tense, taunt as the door slammed behind him. His bangs were just long enough to cover his expression.
Levi straightened behind his desk.
“Is everything alright?”
Eren’s eyes snapped up. He was biting his lip, something shimmering behind his eyes. Something Levi had seen for months and only just now recognized. Fuck. He should have known.
“Sir,” Eren started, swallowing down probably the last of his fear. Not that Levi could imagine he had much. The kid was as brave as they come. “I like you.”
Levi fought the urge to sigh.
“Well I like you too,” Levi said, matter of fact. “You’re a fine soldier.”
Levi saw his expression shatter, and Eren tried to pick up the pieces as he stuttered out a response.
“No- no! Not like- I mean, romantically. I like you romantically.”
Levi stared at him blankly, preparing his response. How best not to hurt him. Eren was beautiful, feral, untameable in a way Levi would never be able to manage, not to mention young.
“Eren…” Levi’s voice trailed off, low and soft with rejection. “I don’t think you know what that means.”
That was a lie. The kid was 16. A soldier. Not quite a kid.
“No!” Eren looked desperate. “I like you, I really do. I- I want to sit with you and drink tea, talk with you late into the night, hold you after missions, kiss you.”
The confession hurt. Ached in a way that meant loss. Eren was offering him everything Levi wanted, everything Levi hadn’t had since Erwin. And Levi could see it, in the purest sense. Eren soft and comforting, covering and holding him together with a hug.
But he was just so young.
And Levi so old. So broken.
Fuck.
“Eren, I- we can’t.”
And Levi sent him away with the hopes that he would find someone more deserving and appropriate for his love. Someone like Mikasa, who’d always treasured him, or Armin, who always guided him. Even Jean, who always kept him alert and at his best.
Someone that wasn’t him.
The kid was full of life, vitality, and deserved to spend it on someone just as lively as himself. Someone who would appreciate it in a way Levi wasn’t capable of.
Eren didn’t- wasn’t allowed- to bring him tea anymore.
Only Eren hadn’t had the same love of life nowadays. He’d switched it out for the lethargy of a man walking to his death.
His hair was now long enough to be pulled back. His visage was calm. He was older now, 19.
He’d never found anyone else either.
Levi took a deep breath in. Preparing.
“Sir,” Eren said, slight nerves shading his actions. Nothing like before, but familiar enough to relax Levi. “I was wondering if you could cut my hair for me.”
The air left Levi’s lungs with a woosh, taken by surprise.
“What?”
“To look like yours,” Eren said, and Levi watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “I like your style.”
Before Levi knew what he was doing, he was accepting a pair of scissors and a razor Eren had brought with him. He was prepared.
Eren’s hair had gotten longer the past few years, now hanging past his ears and jaw and brushing against his neck. Levi watched the long strands fall to the floor with a snip of the scissors, followed by the shorter bit as they made a mess of Eren shoulders and Levi’s floor. He should have put something down.
Levi hadn’t been able to think after Eren had asked him.
Not even about cleaning.
“That’s about it,” Levi said, running his hand through the freshly cut, soft bristles of his new undercut. He scratched at it, sighing. This was the most contact, the most conversation, Levi had been able to have with Eren in months. Almost regretfully, Levi went to remove his hand and break the connection.
Eren caught him before he could.
Just as slowly as he’d raised his eyes to meet Levi’s, Eren stood and turned to Levi. Even at that speed, it was too fast. Their intertwined hands dangled between them. Eren looked down at him, and Levi almost hadn’t noticed he’d gotten so tall.
They were making eye contact and while Eren’s eyes didn’t burn as brightly or passionately as before, Levi could still see that same emotion swarming within them. That one that had both enticed and scared Levi so much all those years ago.
“Levi.” Eren’s voice was soft. Hurt. His name, real name, said in that tone made him his heart throb. “I know why you rejected me, and I’m not going to ask again or anything. Just- please don’t hate me.”
There was a tug on Levi’s arm as he was pulled forward into a kiss. Sweet and soft and everything Levi very briefly imagined it would be when he was sixteen. But Eren wasn’t sixteen. He was nineteen, and older, and goddamnit, Levi wasn’t going to hold himself back.
The feeling was like a giant gust of wind, one in a series of many marked by Eren’s confession, his hungry looks as they soared on ODM gear, the admiration and longing in his gaze when Levi would compliment him. They’d been building up, pushing on him. Just coming and coming and coming, and Levi, like a tree that had stressed under the relentless gusts of Hurricane Eren, became unrooted.
Levi reached up and wound his arms around Eren’s neck as he pushed into his lips. Desperately, he moved to claim Eren’s mouth. Willingly, or perhaps in shock at Levi’s enthusiasm, Eren’s mouth parted to give way to Levi’s tongue. Either way, Levi took advantage of the opening, using his tongue and lips and teeth to seize Eren’s unskilled mouth in a sloppy kiss.
Levi couldn’t go back in time to accept Eren’s initial confession, and honestly, even if he could, he wouldn’t. He had no idea how that would end and didn’t want to risk the chance that this, right now, would never happen.
This collision of want and need and emotion right here was perfect.
Panting, Levi finally pulled back, watching the amazed and slightly dazed look in Eren’s eyes. His lips were a kiss bruised to a bright red and shiny with spit, a flush dusted across his cheekbones, and Levi admired the perfect picture he made.
Levi smiled up at him and Eren’s expression softened into one of fondness, a happiness in features Levi hadn’t seen in months.
While Levi wasn’t conceited enough to think that Eren had been depressed because of him, he was foolish enough to hope that that was it.
“Levi…” Eren said, awe coloring his voice, and Levi was pulling him down again.
Eren was more eager this time, enthusiasm making up for his lack of skill, and pushed Levi back into his desk. His lower back hit the wooden ledge with a thump and Levi smirked into his mouth.
His hand slid up, past the fluff of his newly buzzed undercut, and fisted into the new flops of his hair. With a tug, Levi had Eren gasping, head thrown back and neck exposed for his lips and teeth.
He nipped down, sucking and leaving marks, knowing that with Eren’s healing abilities they’d be gone by the morning, but he bit with the intention of leaving them for weeks. The emotional blow over had him feeling possessive for this beautiful boy.
“Levi,” Eren moaned. “I- god.”
Levi smiled into his neck, licking up behind his ear and nipping his lobe.
“Eren,” Levi whispered, grinding his hips into Eren’s and feeling his hardness. “My Eren.”
Eren whined, reaching back to grope at Levi, massaging down his shoulders and lower back all the way to his ass. He kneaded at the flesh there, pulling his hips into him, and Levi willingly followed. He wanted to get as close as possible, flesh to flesh, skin to skin. Levi’s hands found the collar of Eren’s shirt. He nipped at his collarbone, leaving one dark, blossoming hickey
“Beautiful,” Levi complimented into his skin. “Perfect.”
And Eren melted.
Levi pulled away, gently prying Eren’s hands to hold them between their bodies once again. Eren whined, eyes half lidded as he licked his lips. He looked like pure lust.
“My room,” Levi said, jerking his head over to the door. “Come on, you can sleep there tonight.”
Levi pulled at Eren’s arm to guide him out, only to be met with resistance. He looked back, confused, only to be met with a wide eyed alarm. Eren’s mouth was half open, gaping as though looking for words.
“I- I can’t,” Eren said, sounding truly regretful.
“Wha-”
Levi dropped Eren’s hand, facing him.
“I can’t,” he repeated, this time looking like he was convincing himself.
Levi licked his lips, looking over Eren’s debauched appearance, the bulge still in large and firm in his pants.
He looked fine, he was into it, and Levi finally, finally, got to touch him. Cut his hair and held his hand and licked his teeth. So why.
“Did I do something wrong?” Levi asked, swallowing. “We don’t have to do anything, we can just hold each other or talk and-”
“No.” Eren was shaking his head. The new bangs of his haircut obscured his eyes. “No, I’m sorry, Captain but-” Eren looked up, green eyes shining. “I just can’t.”
Then he ran out the door, past Levi, leaving the older man standing there, stunned, with a hard cock. Watching the door shut behind the young man, Levi decided he would corner him tomorrow. He let him go once, and he wouldn’t let him go again.
The next time Levi saw Eren was as the young man tore up a city in Marley, his titan’s eyes burning with a fury Levi had thought time had extinguished. But once he was chained up in the airship, steam already cooled off his body, Levi saw him for what he was.
A dead man walking.
Levi was scheduled to leave for the forest with Zeke in two hours, a mere three days after landing. Just enough time to bury their dead. There was an unspoken agreement that there would never be enough time to mourn, but that they’d have to keep moving anyways.
And Levi would, always would, keep going for the living and the dead no matter the price. He’d made his decision long ago to dedicate everything he had to the people of this land.
But for his last few hours before he moved out and gave even more of himself, Levi would be selfish.
He turned the bend down the prison cells to where he knew Eren was staying, and found the young man seated on his cot. He looked up when Levi stopped in front of him, almost startled.
“Eren,” Levi said and Eren nodded.
“Levi.”
No ‘Captain’ this time.
Not that it mattered, there was only one thing Levi needed to know.
He opened the door to Eren’s prison cell and the other man tensed as he saw him enter, as though anticipating another hit. Instead, Levi stood directly in front of him, heart pounding.
Eren’s hair was long, as though he hadn’t cut it in a while. His chest throbbed.
He took a deep breath in, knowing the question he had to ask.
“Do you regret anything?”
Eren looked up at him, something flickering in the dead of his eyes, some life that gave Levi hope. He nodded, face giving away some unknown emotion that laid somewhere between longing and pain.
“Just you.”
Levi’s lungs rattled as he breathed in and he nodded in understanding. He thought back to Eren, sixteen and oh so young, bracing himself to confess as though of all the death he’d seen and titans he’d slain, that moment would be the hardest.
Me too, he thought.
Saying nothing, Levi kissed Eren once more. Steady. Gentle. A goodbye.
Eren didn’t kiss back.
Levi left before the tears could leak from his eyes.