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It starts how everything else starts in Genosha, spurred on by the media. And with the December issue of Global Mutant declaring Magneto as the Sexiest Mutant of the Year.
As with everything involving Magneto, it fissures the consensus of the Genoshan public. While the ‘Brotherhood of Mutants’ are beyond thrilled with the title bestowed upon their leader, the humans call for a ban on the distribution of the copy. The rival faction of the Brotherhood, the ‘X-Men’, host a different kind of protest altogether, claiming that their leader, Professor X, and not Magneto, is the Sexiest Mutant of the Year.
‘Objectifying someone like Magneto is the downfall of our society,’ says Gabrielle Haller, President of Friends for Humanity. ‘The Charles Xavier I know would never approve of this.’
Before the fissure deepens into a rift, however, Professor Xavier replies to Gabrielle Haller in a late-night tweet.
‘If that’s what you think I’d do, then you clearly don’t know me well, Gabrielle. If you ask me, Magneto is not only the Sexiest Mutant of this year, but the sexiest man and person of every year.’
Needless to say, a scandal breaks out.
*
‘Were you drunk when you sent out that tweet?’ Raven — Charles Xavier’s younger sister, lawyer and spokesperson for the X-Men — growls into the speaker, trying to ignore the blaring phones in her office.
‘No, Raven,’ says Charles from the other end. ‘I was completely sober.’
‘Have you gone crazy, Charles?’ Raven snaps. ‘What possessed you to do something like that?’
Charles sighs as though having this conversation is the last thing he wants to do. Belatedly, Raven realises that there’s the sound of cutlery coming from Charles’s end. ‘What makes you think that I’d let anyone speak about my husband like that?’
Raven’s voice goes a pitch higher. ‘Did you at least think of the repercussions? Besides, people have been dissing Magneto for years now. Since when has that bothered you?’
‘That’s different. That’s never been personal,’ Charles says. ‘Oh, would you hang on a minute, darling? I’m lighting candles.’
Raven takes a deep breath. If Charles is having a date night with his husband while she’s having sleepless nights at the office trying to clean up his mess, then she’ll proverbially be damned. She waits a beat before saying, ‘As the head of your PR, do you know how difficult it has been for me to answer people? If we don’t find a way to deal with this situation, then the whole world will find out that—’
‘I’m sorry, Raven. I have to go,’ Charles cuts her off.
‘What can be more important than this?’ Raven yells.
‘The Sexiest Mutant of the year is walking through my front door, Raven, and I wouldn’t keep him waiting for the world,’ Charles says, and hangs up. She can even hear the grin in his voice.
Raven throws the phone to the ground and watches with something akin to satisfaction as it shatters into multiple pieces.
*
Professor Xavier’s PR team puts out an official statement that the good Professor’s Twitter account had been hacked when the infamous tweet went out.
‘We’re looking into who’s behind the hacking,’ says Mystique, mutant activist, lawyer and spokesperson for the X-Men.
While a fraction of the public buy into that statement, the rest, however, fail to understand why someone would hack an account for the sole purpose of sending out a single tweet.
‘That, kids, is a prime example of horny on main,’ says radio jockey Roberto Da Costa, referring to Professor Xavier’s tweet on his late-night radio show.
*
While Professor Charles Xavier has hosted multiple charity balls in the country and attended several more, he’s known to have done so without a plus one, or, as the youth would put it, without arm candy. That, however, changes at the end of a party held to celebrate the opening of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.
The paparazzi cameras capture incriminating pictures of Charles Xavier leaving the party with a man who’s a head taller than him, broad at the shoulders, and dressed in a tuxedo and a helmet eerily similar to that of his rival, Magneto. That inference cannot, however, be cemented because a) the pictures were shot in a dark alleyway and b) the pictures are blurry at best and muddled at worst.
None of those reasons, however, stop Genoshan Entertainment! from broadcasting a three-day special on Charles Francis Xavier’s ‘mysterious beau’.
‘Wait, isn’t Charles Xavier already married? There’s a ring on his finger,’ asks @VicAnB2890 on Quora.
‘@VictorAnB, when has that stopped anyone before? Hell, I’d cheat on my partner for a chance with Magneto,’ replies @BobPRNoLimits.
To add fuel to the fire, Charles Xavier shows up the very next day on Good Morning Genosha with a barely concealed love bite on his neck.
*
Nearly a month later, a staff member of Parliament sells to the media what she claims to be a copy of Charles Francis Xavier’s passport. The image of the said passport lists Charles Francis Xavier’s marital status as ‘Married’ and names his spouse as Erik Magnus Lehnsherr.
The media melts down again. Channel after channel displays the copy of Professor Xavier’s passport under ‘Breaking News’, ‘Headlines’ and ‘Entertainment’ simultaneously.
The Genoshan Broadcasting Network even hosts a prime-time special, inviting debaters and specialists to a panel to discern whether the image is authentic or fabricated. The rest of the population resorts to solving the treasure hunt of who exactly Erik Magnus Lehnsherr is, what really is Magneto’s real name, and if the answers to those two questions somehow coincide.
*
‘Boss, do you have a minute?’ Azazel — Magneto’s right-hand man, lawyer and spokesperson for the Brotherhood — asks, peeking into Erik’s office. Erik is seated at his desk, typing something on his laptop.
‘What is it?’ Erik asks without looking up.
‘The press and media houses are calling us to ask if you’re married to Charles. We can’t maintain silence on the matter anymore. What do you want us to tell them?’
‘Tell them what we always tell them,’ Erik says without a shred of emotion on his face, ‘to fuck off.’
Azazel closes his eyes and counts to ten. It helps with work pressure, his therapist had said. Opening his eyes, he says, ‘You are legally married to Charles. Why can’t we just say that?’
‘Is the legal department asking?’ Erik raises his brows.
‘No.’
‘Then tell whoever is asking to fuck off.’
Azazel takes a deep breath again. It’s been a really long day. ‘It would be easier to just tell everyone that the two of you are married.’
‘Charles and I don’t want our relationship or our private life to be the focal point of our public personas, Azazel. Our fight for mutant equality and wellbeing takes precedence,’ Erik says stoically. Something on the laptop must have caught his attention; a moment later, though, a small smile breaks out on Erik’s face. He closes the laptop before getting up to leave.
Despite having been Erik’s friend for three decades now, Azazel hasn’t seen Erik bestow that kind of smile on anyone, mutant or human. Only one person seems to be the exception to that rule.
‘Like the country isn’t already obsessed with your relationship now,’ Azazel mutters to Erik’s retreating form.
Though Azazel has an idea of what he’ll find, curiosity still wins out. He justifies his next action by reasoning that he’s entitled to it for putting up with Erik every day. Azazel walks up to Erik’s desk, opens his laptop, and types in Erik’s password. A messaging window pops up showing a text string with Charles.
Schatz : Darling, where are you?
Schatz : Come home soon
You : Leaving now. Do you want me to get dinner?
Schatz : No. I picked up Thai on my way from the University
You : Okay. I’ll be there in half an hour
Schatz : Okay. I’ll be waiting
Schatz : Oh, and Erik?
You : Yes?
Schatz : I love you, Darling! <3
*
Later that month, Professor Xavier and Magneto individually publish statements supporting queer rights. The media and public forget everything about rights, and instead wonder whether the Professor and Magneto are queer. Together. In private.
‘I can’t believe Professor X is with Magneto. Like seriously? Magneto? The two of them hate each other,’ says @AnastasiaR on Reddit.
‘I bet the hate sex is amazing! ;)’ replies @WadeWilson221.
‘Look, I’m a human, this shouldn’t concern me, but damn this is entertaining. #ProfessorX #Magneto #PowerCouple,’ says @MayA1976 on Twitter.
‘Guys, wait. We don’t even know whether Professor and Magneto are together. Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves?’ reasons @DarwinNotCharles on Facebook.
‘Two dudes are banging each other. That is news now? Seriously? This country is cursed with the media,’ laments @TraskJJr95 on TikTok.
‘Oh, they’re doing it alright B)’, says @LegalShipper1010 on Tumblr, accompanied by a GIF of a couple devouring each other’s faces.
‘I’ve been telling this all along,’ says @LordOfTheStars on Ishipprofessorxandmagneto.com.
‘Charles and Erik, is it? I think I’ll call them cherik,’ says @LangYoungScotty on his YouTube video dedicated to the ‘couple’.
‘Don’t mind me. Just here for the comments,’ resonate the rest.
Netizens on the World Wide Web toil in turmoil day in, day out, while the spokespeople for Professor X and Magneto remain blissfully mum on the matter.
‘Look at it this way,’ says Magda Maximoff, Founder and Head of H & M, Humans and Mutants for a better World , ‘If only on an inutile cause, the humans and mutants are working together.’
*
The attention of the nation is once again back on Professor Xavier and Magneto when the Genoshan Broadcasting Network invites the two leaders onto its panel for a prime-time face-off. The entire country watches with bated breath as the Professor and Magneto debate the merits and demerits of a Mutant Education Bill proposed on the Parliament floor. All anyone needs to confirm their relationship at this point is eye contact or a simple greeting exchanged between the two. Frustratingly for everyone — even the hosts of the programme — they remain strictly professional, expertly dodging thinly veiled questions about their relationship.
That is, until, towards the end of the programme, Dr Stryker Jr says and does something unexpected.
‘The rubbish you’ve been spewing all night still doesn’t explain why a curriculum designed for humans is adequate for mutants,’ Magneto snaps, glaring hard at Dr Stryker Jr.
The perpetually rising tension in the room peaks to a new height. Attempting to defuse it, Professor Xavier says in a pacifying tone, ‘I think what Magneto is trying to say is that we need to give the idea of a separate curriculum designed for mutants to understand and develop their powers a chance.’
Dr Stryker Jr smirks. ‘I don’t know if I’ll consider it for Magneto. But I can certainly make an exception for you.’
‘What did you say?’ Magneto growls, tone as hard as steel. The table he’s sitting at seems to tremble with him.
‘I said that I’m willing to make an exception for Dr Xavier.’ To make matters worse, Dr Stryker Jr pats the back of Dr Xavier’s hand resting on the table with his own.
‘How dare you touch him!’ That’s all Magneto says before Dr Stryker Jr is choking on his own breath and falling to the floor.
By the end of the night, Dr Stryker Jr is taken to hospital. Magneto is arrested and detained for assault. And the good Professor issues a public apology. The TRP of the show hits record-breaking numbers. Even the replays.
*
Three days later, the Federal Department releases Magneto, a.k.a. Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, from judicial custody. Anonymously released as well is a photo of him taken while in custody. It obviously goes viral.
‘Now I understand why Xavier married Magneto even though he’s an integrationist. Damn, Magneto’s hot commodity. I’m an integrationist, and I'm seriously considering joining the brotherhood if only to hit that,’ writes @DestityD on BuzzFeed.
‘@DestinyD, that’s nothing compared to me wanting to become a mutant if only for a chance with him,’ replies @PotsP0.
‘How did his cheekbones not cut his helmet all these years? I dedicate this account to Magneto going forward. And his amazing cheekbones, of course. #SeriousFanGirling,’ quotes @Selene52100 on Instagram.
‘Is it just me or does Mags look like a confused shark?’ asks @NerdLeads on twitter.
‘Magneto is DADDY!’ says @GreenMantis on MutantLove.com.
Two weeks later, Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr are seen walking hand in hand from Professor Xavier’s university.
Before the people and press recover from that, pictures emerge of Charles Xavier kissing Erik Lehnsherr on the cheek in front of the courthouse.
‘The Professor can be seen giving Erik Lehnsherr what appears to be a ‘kiss of luck’ before the hearing of his case against Dr. Stryker Jr. Erik Lehnsherr, who goes by the mutant name of Magneto, had been arrested earlier this month with charges of assault on Dr. Stryker Jr when the two of them had appeared on the Genoshan Broadcasting Network,’ an Onion headline reads.
Then there are the videos of them kissing at a mutant parade. Then the blurry images of them snogging in the National Library. Then the viral pictures of them huddled together and making out behind a boulder on the rocky beach. Then a statement from a member of Parliament staff citing that he saw Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr walk out of a closet in Parliament. ‘They were giggling like teenagers,’ he says. No one would dare forget the time Magneto — Erik Lehnsherr — was caught groping the Professor’s ass in front of a café.
‘They were kissing with tongue and all,’ writes @raccoonracket on a gossip blog.
‘They were kissing with tongue and all,’ writes @raccoonracket on a gossip blog.
‘Professor Xavier and Magneto keep their marriage of twelve years a secret from the public eye, and now they’re suddenly rubbing it in our faces. Why do you think they would do something like that?’ asks Paul Hark on his monthly podcast, to which Dr Hank McCoy — politician, mutant activist and all-round genius — replies, ‘It’s mass psychology, really. If a person or a group of people are being denied what they crave, the urge to obtain it only intensifies. But when overexposed to the same craving they were earlier denied, the urge diminishes until it completely disappears. Sometimes, it even transforms into repulsion. It’s a very neat trick. I expect nothing less from Dr Charles Xavier. The man has a doctorate in psychology, after all.’
‘So what you’re saying is that now that we’ve found out that they’re together, they’re just trying to gross us out to get us off their backs?’
‘In other words, yes.’
Going by the general consensus, the trick seems to be working swimmingly.
‘Guys, we get it. You’re married. You can stop reminding us now,’ says @AnastasiaR on Reddit.
‘I bet the makeup sex is amazing! ;)’ replies @WadeWilson221.
‘Look, I’m a human, this shouldn’t concern me, but I’m officially done with them. #ProfessorX #Magneto #EnoughYouTwo,’ says @MayA1976 on Twitter.
‘Now that the cat’s out of the bag and our curiosity is quenched, we can all go back to living the way we were before this whole episode,’ reasons @DarwinNotCharles on Facebook.
‘Before, I thought that they fought like an old married couple. Now, they just happen to be one,’ quips @Aldyne007 on Facebook.
‘Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr have been married all along. That is the only news now? Seriously? This country is cursed with the media,’ laments @TraskJJr95 on TikTok.
‘Okay. We get it! You guys are doing it. Can you please stop rubbing it in our faces?’ says @LegalShipper1010 on Tumblr, accompanied by a GIF of a skeleton shooting itself in the skull.
A concerned citizen even submits a petition on Change.org to ban the media and press from reporting on the private lives of Professor X and Magneto. It gathers more than seventeen thousand signatures.
‘I’m being fed information about this couple’s private life without my will. Free me,’ says the top comment on the petition. It is liked by a thousand eight hundred and seventy three people.
‘It’s like they’re trolling us for being interested in their lives,’ says @LangYoungScotty on his tenth YouTube video dedicated to the couple.
‘I disagree. There can never be enough cherik in my life. Bring it on!’ says @LordOfTheStars on Ishipprofessorxandmagneto.com
‘Look at it this way,’ says Magda Maximoff, Founder and Head of H & M, Humans and Mutants for a better World , ‘At least, now we know what we can achieve if humans and mutants learn to work together.’
‘You know, the Professor and Magneto didn’t have to take the entire nation on a guessing spree for months, punch a high profile politician in the face, make out publicly all over Hammer Bay, and rub it in our faces. They could have just told us that they’ve been married for the past twelve years. It really wouldn’t have changed our perception of them. Plus, it would have saved us all the drama,’ says Elizabeth Braddock, host of Genosha, All the Way.
At least with that, the Genoshan population wholeheartedly agrees.
_