Chapter Text
The Dalek attack on New Years finally prompted you to ask for a break. You were utterly exhausted, both mentally and physically, and wanted nothing more than to fall face first onto your bed. Your actual bed, not the one the Tardis so graciously provided for you.
It had only been a few months since you started traveling with the Doctor and already you were having second thoughts. As much as you loved seeing the galaxy with her and the fam, it was getting harder to ignore the toll it had been taking on you. An uncomfortable feeling settled in your throat as you mulled over the words you wanted to say but just couldn’t spit out.
Yaz was the first one to notice you slowing down during your adventures. You’d be slower to react, more hesitant. She brought it up one night when you were all settling down after another tumultuous day. You brushed her off and insisted you were fine.
Of course, you weren’t. Part of you didn’t want to admit the weakness you’d be feeling lately. Especially since the rest of them seemed to be doing just fine. As the last one to join the group, you felt that you had a lot to prove, especially to the Doctor. The 2000+ year old alien was not someone you wanted to let down and you noticed this not too long into your stay on the Tardis. She was formidable, brave, and always seemed to know what to do. Even in those unsure situations, she came out strong and unshaken. At least, that's how it seemed to you. Regardless, you didn’t want to be the weak link and it didn’t help that Yaz, Ryan, and Graham had an established relationship with the Doctor. You still felt like an outsider. And part of you felt like a child asking to go home early.
But, you could no longer ignore the shake in your legs or the tremor in your hands. Once everything quieted down and a somber mood hung in the air, you felt yourself squeezing out the words, “I need to go home.” All eyes looked at you and you suddenly felt nervous. Yaz gave you an understanding nod while Graham and Ryan looked solemn. It was difficult to hold eye contact. Your vision shifted to the Doctor, who was staring at you with an odd expression. For some reason, you felt like you had done something wrong. Crossed a line that wasn’t meant to be crossed and your heart constricted. You needed to alleviate the tension and almost against your will, you heard yourself saying, “I just need to ground myself, that’s all.” Your shaky voice convinced no one and yet the Doctor looked away and said, “Of course.”
The next few minutes were uncomfortably silent as the Doctor whirled around the Tardis, piloting the machine to its next destination: your home. Now, standing at the Tardis doors, you hesitated. Something in you just wanted to run, but deep down you knew you didn’t want things to end. At this moment, if you walked out those doors alone, you’d never return.
So you turned around, unspeaking. The Doctor’s odd expression shifted into something unrecognizable but akin to surprise. You laughed awkwardly to break the tension and asked, “Um, would you guys like to come in for a bit? I can make some hot chocolate and I think I have cookies somewhere?” After a beat, you explained that maybe they could also use a change of scenery as well.
The Doctor clapped her hands and her face brightened, “Brilliant. Hot chocolate at Y/N’s.” Ryan and Graham nodded enthusiastically and you could tell they were also glad to leave the Tardis for a bit. The mood shifted slightly as they followed you to your front door. You were suddenly struck with embarrassment as you tried to remember how you left your house. You silently hoped that you had put away the dishes before leaving.
A few minutes later, you and your friends were settled in your living room. What a strange sight, to see the people you travelled the galaxy with just sitting on your couch like a normal group of friends. Chatting amicably away as if mere hours ago you all hadn't been dodging deadly Dalek laser beams. It was so domestic and you felt the shakiness of your body subsiding slightly. After taking in the sight of your friends once more, you decided to head into the kitchen to start the hot chocolates you promised.
You blew a breath of relief when you saw that the sink was empty and that you had left the kitchen in a presentable manner. The last thing you needed was your friends thinking you were a slob. As you silently moved around the room searching for acceptable mugs, you heard footsteps approach the kitchen and glanced over your shoulder to see the Doctor enter. She grinned and nodded at your hands, which were currently precariously holding 5 mugs.
“Ryan said you might need a hand with the hot chocolate,” She said, gesturing to your full hands again. “I think he was right.” You laughed and gently placed the mugs on the counter. She moved to stand next to you, curiously looking around your small kitchen. It was different, when it was just you and her. You never seemed to know what to say despite the fact that you’d known each other for months now.
You wanted to break the silence and said, “Thanks, I wasn’t sure how I was going to carry all these mugs myself. You don’t have a secret extra hand, do you? That’d be a huge help.” You mentally kicked yourself at such a dumb attempt at humour. She laughed quietly, as if she had something else on her mind, “No. No extra hand, unfortunately.”
“Two hearts, but no extra hand? What kind of alien are you?” you teased. If you were going to keep making bad jokes, you might as well go all in. The nervous tremor in your heart slowed a bit as you let yourself take in the calm atmosphere. The Doctor laughed louder this time. Her face scrunched up adorably as she wiggled her fingers, “Ah well, maybe I have an extra hand, you never know with regeneration?” Your heart fluttered and it struck you that this had been the first time you’ve heard her laugh since all the nonsense with the Daleks started. A burst of pride exploded in your heart as you thought about how you had been the one to make her laugh.
You turned your back to her and started to fill up the kettle in the sink. As much as you hate watery hot chocolate, you couldn’t be sure of the quality of the milk sitting in your fridge. The Doctor had a habit of dropping you off days later than anticipated which often led to the emptying of your fridge and subsequent grocery store purchases. You turned back around after plugging the kettle in, leaned against the countertop and crossed your arms.
“This is weirdly domestic, right? Especially after everything that just happened?” you asked, lightheartedly. Desperately trying to ignore how close you were to leaving the Doctor forever just moments ago. The Doctor hummed from where she was examining your spice rack, “I think we deserve a break. Some quiet.” You snorted and shot the Doctor a disbelieving look, “You? Wanting to take it slow? Did you hit your head on a Dalek?” You expected a laugh, but the room went silent. The mention of today’s Monster of the Week drenched cold water on your conversation. You turned to busy yourself with the hot chocolate.
Quickly wanting to change the subject, you said over your shoulder, “You know, I didn’t really want to leave today. That’s why I invited you guys in.” You heard no response from behind and sighed. The Doctor was terrible with these kinds of conversations, and so were you. But the sad look she gave you earlier hurt you in an unexpected way and whether you decided to return to the Tardis or not, you had to clear the air.
You kept your back to her, praying that it’d deflect some of the awkwardness of the conversation. “I hope I didn’t offend you, saying I wanted to go home.” You were nearly done stirring the hot chocolate when you felt a presence next to you. You nearly jumped when you noticed how close she had gotten to you, her hands outstretched towards the finished mugs of hot chocolate. She wasn’t looking at you. It was starting to unnerve you how quiet she had been all of a sudden. Her voice was quiet when she finally spoke, “Of course not, I understand.” There was a tightness to her voice and you noticed it immediately. And then she whispered something so quietly, you almost didn’t hear it, “But I didn’t want you to leave either.”
You froze and watched as she grabbed three of the mugs off the counter, one hand holding the first mug and her second gripping the handles of the other two mugs, and smiled. The mood changed once again and you recognized this as the Doctor desperately trying to escape an awkward situation. She left for the living room a second later, leaving you in stunned silence. That was certainly not how you thought things would go. Eager to leave the stifling mood of the kitchen, you grabbed the last two mugs and left the kitchen.
___
The rest of the night passed with comfortable conversations and the emptying of your snack cupboard. The Doctor ate most of the promised cookies, but Ryan certainly snatched more than his fair share.
As time passed, the tension eased from the room and your friends grew tired. You stifled a yawn as Ryan started yet another fatigued rant about something that had happened on an earlier adventure. The Doctor was the only one making a convincing show of not being tired.
Despite the Tardis being a short walk away, you noticed your friend's reluctance to move from your living room. Yaz was practically falling asleep on Graham and Ryan nearly nodded off mid sentence. Naturally, you offered your spare room and pullout couch to Graham and Ryan, and the couch to Yaz. They took the offer graciously and disappeared to their respective sleeping areas at once. You hadn’t bothered to point out the fact that all of them were still wearing their day clothes, but you didn’t think it’d make a difference.
The yawn you smothered earlier finally broke free. Not wanting to stay up any later, you carried the dirty dishes into the kitchen and prepared for bed. The was the plan anyway.
Somehow, you found yourself alone in the kitchen with the Doctor again.
“You want another mug of hot chocolate?” you asked quiet enough not to disturb Yaz in the room next door. The Doctor nodded enthusiastically and you breathed a laugh as you poured more water into her outstretched mug.
“Are you having anymore, y/n?” she asked in between sips. You shook your head, “I should probably get some sleep. I have a pullout bed in my room if you’d like.” You were too tired to dwell on the implication of inviting the Doctor to your room. The day's events were finally seeping in and your head was beginning to feel the fuzziness of exhaustion.
“I don’t need sleep,” The Doctor said confidently with a yawn. You rolled your eyes, “If you say so,” and busied yourself with putting the dishes in the sink. The two of you stood in easy silence for a moment until the Doctor spoke, her voice barely a whisper, “I meant what I said earlier.” Your sleep-addled brain struggled to understand what she was saying.
“What do you mean?” You asked, putting away some discarded snacks in cupboards now. The Doctor shifted to lean against the counter. When you looked over, you found yourself caught in her gaze. “I didn’t want you to leave either.”
“Oh,” you said dumbly. You felt so vulnerable but couldn’t find yourself caring. Tiredness tends to do that to the brain.
She continued, “When you first joined m-us, I told you that I couldn’t guarantee your safety.” You nodded, brain slowly catching up. “If you want to return, I need you to be sure. But if you want to leave, I won’t stop you.” She looked sad, even more so than earlier. You struggled to speak.
"I don't want to leave, but I'm scared." Earlier, you would have felt uncomfortable declaring your weakness in front of her, but it was nearing midnight now and your walls were so close to crumbling. "I'm scared of making the wrong decision and letting you down. All of you."
She nodded and pursed her lips in thought. "I thought you were very brave today." The words took a moment to process and your face heated up immediately. "Oh?" You said meekly. "I'm not sure about that."
The Doctor let out a small laugh, "You lot are always underestimating yourselves. Setting up impossible standards."
You huffed and crossed your arms. "I thought you were gonna make me feel better or something," you said, teasingly. You were trying to disrupt the tension in the room but the Doctor wasn't having it. She levelled you with an intense, yet soft stare. You crossed your arms a little tighter and held eye contact.
"If you weren't scared, I'd be concerned. Really. But you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself to make the right choices all the time." The eye contact wavered as she briefly looked down at the empty mugs in the sink. "My track record of good choices isn't all that great either, you know." You'd never seen her this vulnerable before. Despite the fact that you were the one seeking reassurance, you felt the need to comfort her so you placed a hand on her arm. She looked up, startled and you suddenly questioned whether that was a good idea. But you held on, squeezing her arm gently in reassurance.
"I think maybe both of us have been putting too much pressure on ourselves, eh?" You cracked a smile that she returned immediately. The kitchen seemed so far away now as you stared at each other, a moment of understanding passing between the two of you. She broke the silence first and said, "I think you're right about that." The moment was interrupted by a rather dramatic yawn from you. You removed your hand from the Doctor's arm to cover your mouth. "I really should get some sleep," you yawned again.
The Doctor laughed quietly, "Well, go on then. You humans require so much sleep. Honestly, how do you get anything done?" You swatted her arm lightly and giggled as you passed her to leave the room. You were so tired that you didn't even notice the way her eyes tracked your hand as it touched her arm once again.
"Oh yeah, you sure you don't want the pull-out?" You asked as you reached the doorway. The Doctor hesitated before shaking her head. You shrugged lethargically, sleep quickly taking over reason. There would be more to talk about in the morning, but you were rapidly losing yourself to sleep. "Suit yourself, it's there if you want." You took a step into the living room before poking your head, "Don't rewire my microwave or anything, alright?" The Doctor scrunched her nose as she laughed silently and crossed her fingers over her hearts. "I promise"
"Alright, g’night Doctor."
"Goodnight, y/n."