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It's been years since I've seen him but I don't- gosh I don't know what I'm saying. My mind is whirling, everything is falling apart. I decided to flee, everything was ruined. I can't even think straight. Tony and Steve ruined us, no no. Tony ruined us, he always has to be right. And he ruined our family, my family, the only family I have ever known for his pleasure.
Although Steve ruined us as well. He shouldn't have kept secrets from his best friend. Or one of his good friends who even knows now anymore. Even my girlfriend, Maria Hill, is not allowed to talk to me because I'm a fugitive of the government. I am not allowed to talk to my fucking girlfriend because Tony, the most selfsh bastard I know decided to prove he was right and hurt everyone and everything in the process. God it makes me just want to rip my eyes out, and the worst part is he thought he was doing the right thing and that is the most dangerous mind set.
Yep that's right folks Tony likes to fight things out, we couldn't just talk and come up with a compromise. I get it, I do, he was terrified. I was too, Ultron was our fault. People died because of us, Wanda's home was destroyed because of us. I get why he thought this was a good idea. But pitting us against each other, fighting. No, that's where I draw the line. But Tony went too far, he really had to call me “two faced”, well maybe not in those words but it sure felt like he was calling me that. I just wanted the fighting to end, I am so tired of fighting.
My mind just goes back to him, no matter what I think about it always goes back to him, to James. My love, or once loved. It's been years so many years, but I
I remember seeing his face for the first time when he shot me when I was protecting that scientist. I tried running to him, maybe if he saw me he would snap out of it and come back home. Well not home, the only home we have ever known was the red room. But back to me to us to maybe what we could be, what's left of us after years of torture and forgetfulness. But he was gone, and those eyes that I saw looked nothing like the James I knew.
Then I saw him again with Steve when we found out hydra was infiltrating SHIELD. That's when I fully found out it was him, I thought maybe it was a coincidence that someone with a metal arm was fighting me. But now that his mask fell off, yep. Him. My James, my love. I remember that's the day Steve and I grew immensely close, we found out we both loved him. In different ways of course, but we both shared memories.
I told him how he would climb up the stairs in my room and we would sneak out to carnivals and act like a couple. I was never more in love with a person, it tore me that he still wasn't free from the reins of the red room of hydra.
Steve then told me stories of how James protected him against bullies and how he was the bestest friend he could have ever asked for. When we went for cover to take rest we both grew closer, more than we could ever know.
James not only helped me get past all of the hardships from the red room but he also helped me gain a friendship through him as well. And that's when Steve and I promised each other we'd do everything in our power to save him. We shed tears, we missed him way too much. That night when he shot me was the first time I cried, I realized he would probably never remember me and it broke me apart. I gave up, I moved on. But Steve didn't, and when I saw him in that airport it was like someone knocked the air out of me. When I betrayed Tony to send widows bites to T'challa, I didn't do it because I was in love with him, I get that now, if I was I would have left my fighting position and would have just run to him and kissed and probably slaped him a few times for being stupid. But I didn't feel that urge anymore.
I roll my eyes at my thoughts. This is absurd. I have a girlfriend who I love very much. And god I know he's doing better and that he remembers, but could I really love him? I mean sure I could, but I don't think I could love him like I did before. It was different; we were both damaged goods. And I'm better now that part of me died years ago. But James just let that past go, if he goes to me now to rehatch what we had, it will break me, probably more than when I walked away from him.
I go in the RV and look around, this is definitely a downgrade from the avengers compound. Damn Tony really fucked us over. I laugh, but my heart is beating way too fast for my liking. I'm scared, it was easier to walk away. But if he comes here, and I know he will be here, he always knows my hiding spots, I'll have to tell him how I feel and that is exactly that he's just a guy from my past who came back that I loved way to much and love now but I just don't know how to love him that way anymore. I mean, they tortured us with flashes and images of eachother dying and hurting eachother, how can one just magically be together after going through something like that. I know it'll take time and it could work but with everything I lost, I'd rather go home to my girlfriend than to a guy I used to know.
I take a look around. It's kinda tight. There's a table towards the left and the bed is towards the rough end of the right and there is a beautiful view of the forest outside. In front of the refrigerator there's a couch. Mmm yeah refrigerator it is, I'm just gonna be eating ice cream and watching tv all day. I walk over to the bed that is on the opposite side of the entrance. I plop down and look up. There's a marvelous view of the forest outside and I can hear birds chirping happily as if they don't know I lost my family. I close my eyes and pretend that I'm back there, back at the compound in my bed hearing Tony and Steve bicker and hearing Wanda secretly hanging with Vision as if we don't know they are falling in love. But I'm not there. I'm here in an RV with nothing but pictures of my girlfriend who is in a different country.
I pulled out a picture from my pocket, it's Maria and I smiled so damn big. We were having a picnic date when we took this, we smiled like we own the fucking world. I never really knew I liked girls until I saw her, I mean I thought they were gorgeous. But what I felt when I first saw her was completely different, maybe it was the fact that everyone I knew never really stuck around so I didn't have it in me to actually feel for someone, except for him and her.
Not a lot of people get epic loves, I was lucky enough to have two in my whole life.
I turn on my computer and start watching some cheesy action movies while eating ice cream. Vanilla has alway been my favorite. Im Laughing at the tiny remarks of comedy, when my mind starts spinning again. James. By how many times he's been through my mind since I've gotten here he'll probably come up and bother my cozy movie time.
I hear leaves crunching. I start choking on the piece of ice cream I swallowed, crap. I move my hand towards my throat, right now really? I want to open up the curtain to see if the person is close but that will probably be the stupidest decision ever. I quietly open the fridge to chug some water so the ice cream can go down. I reach up to touch my throat and feel the ice cream go down.
They haven't barged down on my door yet. What is this? I walk over and close my computer fast and step to the side of the door and grab my gun. If Maria was here shed tell me how fucking stupid Im being and Id respond with “ only stupid in love with you” and shed kiss me. Gah fuck you Tony.
Fuck this I want to get back to my ice cream, I break down the door with my gun pointed out, ready to shoot.
“What the hell’, I say out loud. Of course it's him, the one person I can't take my mind off of. It's James right in front of my eyes, his hair is short chopped nicely, wearing a casual outfit. Damn he looked good, after a quick sweep of his body I gulped. This is nothing like how he was in the red room, he looks so much happier and god this hurts. I take a sharp intake of breath and step back stunned.
“Hey Natalia, it'd be nice if you didn't point the gun at me.” He chuckles, he moves his arms out as if to say guess who's home. He has a soft smile on his face.
I put my gun back in its holder and a soft smile rose on my lips. I run up to hug him, “oh my god what are you doing here?”
“We didn't talk at the airport, and it's been years.”
“Mhhh, too long”, I say smiling. “ “Come in, come in. It's not much but we can talk here.”
James nods and walks in, “So.” I tilt my head smiling at him, “tell me everything.” It's coming. I just know it is, he's gonna ask about us. But I mean can I blame him, when he remembers the red room we were in love, so in love. But I don't remember it that way.
I remember it all too well like it was just yesterday, they found us out. I felt my stomach drop when they found us out. It was the first night we decided to be intimate, I remember smiling so much it hurt. We snuck out to this fair to celebrate just being in love, we never had an anniversary. Time just kind of stays still in the red room. But they made me watch, they took both of us. I remember screaming for him begging them not to hurt him. They wiped him right in front of my eyes and they commended him to hold me down so they could implant visions in my brain. And I knew when I looked into his eyes that he was gone, my James was gone. I knew we would never have long but I never knew it would be this short. They made me envision him dying over and over, until I could never take it anymore. I forgot about him, that's the only way he'd be safe from me and from them. I shake my head and snap back to reality, I can't believe he's here.
“Natalia, I didn't come here to catch up.”
“I know , but james.”
“No, don't just let me please”, he says, stroking my hands.
‘I love you Natalia and I want to continue where we left off.”
Oh jesus fuck I keep a stone cold face but inside all I feel is pain, I lean forward and nod.
“I know things got fucked up, I tried to kill you many times but we had adventures we loved eachother and now that we are good like on the good side lets start over.” He smiles waiting for my answer.
I close my eyes, shit. My heart is beating so fast I can't do this to him. I love him too much. But not enough. “James”, I say, tucking my ginger hair behind my ears. “I don't know where to begin. Thank you? But-”
“Oh don't say but Natalia, but always ends in something bad”, he says, removing his hands from mine. “We could start slow, just be friends for a while and then see where things lead us.”
My heart is beating so fast, all I have ever known was a cold exterior. I could never show emotions, I would push people away. Except for him ,and then I lost him and I learned my lesson. I have always had one rule in mind since he was taken away from me.
Rule 1: never get close to anyone
Then I met the avengers and everything changed, I got close to Clint and hell even Maria. But it was worth it, losing them will break me but it was worth getting to know them. I could let another person get close to me but I could never know how to love him. Not like I did before.
I continue, “Let me explain. When I saw you, I just wanted to save you and maybe kiss you. I thought about you for years. Wondered what you were doing, if you still remembered me. But years went on and I don't feel the same way I thought I did. I don't know how to explain it. I loved you then and I love you now but I just don't know how to. James we loved each other because of our shared trauma. But we are out, we don't share that anymore. We share nothing now.”
His face is stone cold, but I'm afraid I'm breaking his heart. “Natalia-”
I raise my hand up to interrupt him, “Maybe if we met under different circumstances this could have been something more, we could have been something more. But when we were younger all we talked about was getting out or what new tricks we learned or when we would leave. We can't exactly talk about that now. James I love you, but I'm not in love anymore. Everything has changed, I've changed. More than you could ever expect.” I take a sharp intake of breath and give him the answer that is only right and will only ever be right. “My answer is No james.”
I can't stand the way he's looking at me, it hurts way too much. Like he can't recognize who I am anymore.
James clears his throat and says, “I don't recognize you anymore.” Yep I know him damn well.
“James please dont say that you do, you know me better than anyone.”
He abruptly stands up and it happens so quickly; it shocks me that I jolt back a little. He lashes out, “you know what Natalia,” he sounds my name out like it's poison on his tongue. “The only reason you won't accept me back in your life is because you're scared, you can't lose anyone else.”
I sat up shocked by his outburst. No. He doesn't know what he's talking about, I mean he has some points but there are other reasons. I just can't seem to think of them at the moment. I crease my eyebrows and look up at him. A tear sliding down my face gets caught by James' thumb.
He rises up and takes me in his arms, “ Oh Natalia I never meant for you to cry.” He takes my face in his hands and looks deeply in my eyes, he's just so beautiful. “You are the toughest person I know, I'm glad I'm slowly letting your guard down.”
I smile in his hand, “My answer is still no James, I've moved on you should too.”
“I'm not giving up this easily Natalia.”
I take a sharp intake of breath. I want to tell him, maybe I should, maybe he'll understand.
“There's a reason I'm saying no and why you have to respect that James.”
“ I respect that. But don't you think for one second that I will ever be over you. I will love you til the last star on the fucked up planet dies out, we are fighting something bigger than us. Might as well do that together.”
I shot up, shocked. “James you can't say things like that, it's gonna make me want to curse at everyone and everything”. “We, us”, I say pointing to both of us. “it can't ever work, they ruined us, you get that right?”
“Then let's try it , okay if we don't like it we will just be friends. I can't lose you, not again,” he says while running his fingers through my hair.
“James, it's more complicated than that”, I say, touching his hand that's in my hair.
“How could it be more complicated than that?'' he asks, removing his hand.
God this is gonna tear him apart.
“James I can't love you because when they wiped you you did horrible things to me, and they implanted visions of you dead in my mind whenever I wouldn't follow orders. I know I destroyed them, that was my key to being a shield agent. I burned them all to the ground. But anything can happen, they can take you from me, they could destroy us again and I can't, I won't let that happen.” Tears are now running down my face after being breathless from the rant I just gave James.
He stands up and walks behind me and hugs me, “Natalia, that was not your fault. I get that you're scared but we can work through anything I promise you. I'll protect you, I'll protect us.”
I nod, Shocked and scared that I fully let my whole guard down with him. I need to show him Maria, I need to show him that I've moved on. That I can't love him anymore even though I do love him but I just can't act on that love anymore..
“Here follow me, I need to show you something,” I whisper.
I walk over to where I placed the picture. He follows behind me. I show him the picture, “this is why i won't try again.”
“It's just a picture with someone what does this-.”
I gave him a look. Hoping he gets the cue, that I can't love him even though I will always be in love with him.
“Oh, oh oh. You’re into girls?”
“ I honestly have no clue, the only man I've ever loved is you.”
He gives me a smile, “I'm flattered. And she looks lovely by the way.”
I crack a smile as well.
“I get it, if you had never met her, you'd still love me. She better be worth it. If you want we could always reminisce over mission stories.”
“That's the thing James, even if she wasn't in my life I still couldn't love you.”
He glances at me, “Why? I don't get it.”
“Things are different now James, we had fun in missions not in everyday life. Just chew on that for a while. I have to run to the store.”
He nods shortly avoiding my eyes. I suck in a quick breath of air and leave the Rv.
—
I just got attacked by someone who was mimicking my every move. My families every moves. And my sister Yelena left me a message. I need to tell Bucky that this conversation should be reserved for another time. But god how we left things was just about horrendous, he hates me. He has to hate me now. I would hate me now.
I open the door and he's looking at me confused with a glint in his blue eyes that he always gets when he sees me hurt.
I'm covered in blood, I know why he's looking at me like that. My face is all scratched up from all the times I've been hit.
His eyes scan over my face with a worried look, he opens up the door wider. “What happened, are you alright?”
“I'm just peachy”, I say walking in the Rv. I sit down on the chair.
“Where's your aid kit?’
“Next to the bed”, I stammer back. Still in shock I raise my hands to my face and wipe blood away from it. He approached me again and smoothes my hair from my face.
“Come to bed, it'll be easier to patch you up.”
We walk to the bed, both in silence. I know he wants to know, but if what Yelena is saying is true, I don't want to speak it outloud. I'm ashamed. He goes to grab a bandaide, I smile. “This reminds me of when I would blister my heels you would always be there to rub them for me.”
“Mmh”, he says. “ I remember that.’ A hurt look passes his face like remembering our past relationship is like remembering a battle that gives him PTSD.
This isn't a good conversation topic, so I decided to change it to something that would ease his mind. “You know I will always love you, first loves never do go away. You don't know how much this pains me.” He nods his head and continues to wipe the blood away with cloth.
“It was the taskmaster, I don't know why he fought me. But Yelena gave me this message. Something is going on in this. The world isn't safe.”
“Let me come with you”, he says. He finishes and takes my hands in his. “He could be back, I'm not saying you need help. I just miss fighting with you.”
“I have to do this alone, there is a chance the red room is active again, this is about scary men taking scared girls and torturing them. I guess that happened to you but that was hydra. I want to do this on my own. I don't care if it's selfish. I need to be selfish.”
He looks stern at me, “I know Natalia, I'm sure we'll have a chance to fight soon enough. Good luck, okay. Tell me about it all when we see eachother again.”
I nod. “Where will you be going?” I feel bad but now isn't the time to fix what I just broke.
“I can't stay here, like you said, now that we're back and good and love each other, and want to love each other in that way we just can't not after all the shit we've been through. If I stay here any longer it'll break me. And I'm a tough man to break. But you Natalia, you are my weak spot.”
I nod, he's right we couldn't love each other not after all the tortutre we've been through, we'd be terrified to love each other again.
He leans in to kiss my cheek and leaves. The last of my childhood is gone, and this time it doesn't hurt that much anymore.
I walk back to where he left the picture, and look at Maria. God, I need to call her. I really don't care at this point. No I can't compromise her, Clint it is. It's not like I'll be calling her on my actual phone, I did get a burner phone for this. But you never know. I just need someone to talk to before I go down this path.
I pick up my phone and dial him, he picks up almost immediately.
“Go for hawkeye.”
I laugh, of course he would say that when picking up. I'm glad he's out and safe now. It warms my heart that he's safe and at home.“Hey loser. Listen, I need my best friend.”
“Fine you've caught my attention, spill.” And I tell him everything. From my thoughts of James before he came unannounced to me. (Hey what can I say I can't keep anything from this guy) I tell him about our confrontation. But I keep quiet about the red room, I still don't have the nerve to tell him. What if he thinks this was all a hoax that I kept it going on purpose. So I tell a little bit of the truth. “Yelena contacted me, I need to go and make sure she's okay.”
“ Are you okay?, he askes although it seems more like a hug.
“Yes, I'm fine Clint. I just, it pains me that we couldn't have made this work.”
“Hey Natasha, remember what I always say, you have to live through the pain no matter how much it pains you.”
I lick my lips fuck hes right. “ You and your little inspirational quotes, it gets annoying just help me Barton.”
He stammers, “ Look there's nothing that I can say that eases your mind. You go through pain because you let yourself feel and that's good, that's life. We go through hardships to see how strong we can really become. And Natasha you're the strongest of us all. You actually did the right thing, it would destroy you being with him. Also off of this dire subject. Guess what? Hint, it's about your girlfriend.”
“ Oh no, Clint, I swear to god if something happens to her I'll kill you and everyone.” My mind starts racing if she's hurt, I can't even think about that. This is why I don't let people close.
“Jesus chill women, no she's here hold on.”
“Wait what she's here?”
“Hey sexy”, her voice whispers. I smile so huge, her voice is like a cozy blanket to my ears.
“Mars Hey, I whisper back.
“Are you okay?”, she asks.
“You're not saying anything about the nickname, you usually bicker about it.”
“Maybe I've grown to love it like I've grown to love you.”
My heart could burst by that small little sentence that just came out of her mouth. Before my mind could go to more romantic places, I hear Clint saying “ Oh jeez do I need to leave dont get inappropriate with me here.” Maria and I both laugh.
“You ignored my question”, she says once our laughter died down.
“Yeah I just miss you.”
“Okay just making sure by the way it worked.”
My heart leaps of excitement,“So we’re pregnant.”
“We're pregnant”, she confirms.
I can hear a faint , you better name it Clintasha on the other side of the phone and laugh to myself. And hang up the phone.
But through all of this my mind goes back to him it always goes back to him. I love Maria. I always will but it'll always pain me how I love him but can never be in love with him. I have Maria now. I need to learn to let him go but I don't know if I ever can. I hear leaves again, the same sound that I heard earlier today.
He wouldn't. I open the door.
“Listen I really did leave, but I just can't seem to let you go. I had to come back”, James says.
I close my eyes, my heart is beating so fast. I can't think straight. This is breaking my heart. He runs up to me and hugs me. I hold on to him too tight as if he's the only solid thing in the world. “James”, I say still not letting go of this hug. “I know Natalia, just let me have this.” And he leans down to kiss me. I kiss him back like he's the air I need to breathe. With tears rolling down my face the kiss tastes like salt. We both pull away, “I had to do that”, he says holding my face.
“I know”, I whisper back. “But this still can't work even though-”
He interprets me, “I can't bear to hear you say it again Natalia.” I nod slightly, tears running down my face, “go James, just go.” He looks at me one more time warning to wipe of the tears from my face but decides against it,”
And with that he leaves without looking back, we both love each other that's clear. We just would never know how to love each other. With that being my final thought about James I walk back to the car to fight for all the widows.