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They followed a snowy path, holding the other’s gloved hand in their own. They didn’t mind the cold air, enjoying each other’s company too much to care. They felt at peace, at home. They shared this moment so what could not be perfect?
Snow started falling soon, surrounding their love with sparkling beauty. At some point Merlin realised that he had forgotten his neckerchief at Morgana’s house. Arthur smiled at him mischievously. “Maybe I’ll just keep it.”
Merlin laughed at that. “You always say you find them ridiculous.”
“Yes, but they’re still cute on you.”
They kissed, surrounded by the icy air and softly whispering wind. But the cold could not harm them. Their love kept them warm, kept them safe
-
If you haven’t burnt it by now, you still have my favourite neckerchief.
-
The leaves had turned all shades of gorgeous and Merlin’s gaze switched back and forth from the beauty behind the steering wheel to the magnificent nature surrounding them.
They were listening to all of those corny songs you could only really enjoy on a long car ride, singing at the top of their lungs and almost running the red as they got too caught up in each other. They had even slept in the old truck sometimes when they had gotten lost, never minding it all too much.
How could they mind when they were just happy to be together?
-
I can still feel it after all these days - the thrill of young love.
But that is all long gone, isn’t it? We lost our magic somewhere along the way, lost what made us special. It all faded away and I am left here. I should be fine, I really should be. But I am not.
-
It was a windy day. My hair fell right into my face and when I ran my hand through my hair, trying to tame the unruly mess, I saw you.
You were staring at me and when I smiled back at you, you almost stumbled in front of a bus and I would have been scared if it hadn’t been so sweet.
So young and innocent.
-
When your mother showed me the photo album you always tried to hide, I really couldn’t decide what was cuter; your red cheeks or the way your glasses sat on your nose making you look even younger than you were.
All those stories about your football games, the way you grinned and filled with pride when you scored a goal. And how you cried when you lost.
You allowed me to look into your past, let me know you to the core because we were so certain that from that moment on we would always know it all.
-
And when we were back on the road and I looked at you, watched you as you talked and laughed, I thought we were something. And I waited for you to say it, call us what we were.
But you never did.
And so we faded. Faded back to where we started, nothing between but everything behind us.
We were something, weren’t we? Or did you never think so? We died there in that car. We died and were resurrected many times, only to die again.
-
It has been so long since we were gone. I am still sitting behind that windshield glass, remembering your face and all the things you didn’t say.
But there was nothing I could have done to save us. Not when you didn’t see us as a we.
-
Still, I remember your wide grin when we were dancing late at night in your kitchen, illuminated only by the refrigerator light. Barely seeing, only feeling your joy and happiness when we twirled through the room.
-
And nobody knew except the two of us. Nobody had to know because we were enough or at least that’s what I thought. While I held you close to my heart and soul, you locked me away, banished me to the furthest corners of your mind.
Because I was your secret while you were my life. We said we’d never forget and never leave, always stay. We made that promise late at night in the middle of July.
I never forgot the way your eyes shone when you told me you’d always stay. Long before you forgot and broke your word. I remember I believed you and I still do. So where are you?
-
I didn’t ask for a lot but still it was too much for you. I loved you just as much as I loved us together because we fit like puzzle pieces, made each other whole until you tore it all up and left me there with a hole in my heart that only you could mend.
And I ran from the pain, praying you would catch up to me but you didn’t even try to follow me. And I still remember the disappointment that crushed my soul when I waited for you and you never came.
-
And when you called a few nights before and told me how you felt, told me you wanted to be honest, my heart broke once more.
You probably didn’t even see, didn’t even understand what your words did to me. Because what you said was cruel. When you told me that we were never meant to be and that you were sure, that’s also how I felt.
And while you tried to keep it nice, I faltered and died one more time.
-
I still remember the tearing sensation that burnt in my chest. I still feel it now because even after all this time my memories haven’t faded. They stay like your imprint on my soul.
-
And we really ended it well, didn’t we? Talked it through and talked it out then we said goodbye and went our ways. But I am in hell knowing that it’s all in the past and settled for you. That you feel like we ended well while I die at the mere thought of you.
Who did you believe me to be? Did you really believe that it would be over so easily? That we could just be and then not be and that I wouldn’t weep on the bathroom floor? And when I was asked what happened and all I could answer was ‘you’, my heart cracked once more.
Who did you believe I was?
-
When you met my dad and I feared he wouldn’t like you because he barely likes anyone, you made him fall for you with your shy jokes that made him chuckle and how you complimented the coffee you never liked before.
I should have known then. And my father liked you until he saw me watch the front door all night. When all my friends had come and I couldn't help but hope you would come as well.
When he saw how my hopes died with every minute closer to midnight. I had never before been that sad on my birthday.
-
And they say time heals all wounds, but mine just won’t pass. I am stuck in memories of long gone moments. I still feel your imprint on my heart and mind. I still remember it all too well to forget.
And it’s hard to forget when you sent me my things but kept that one neckerchief. I know you still have it, and you know that I know but yet you kept it. And if you haven’t burnt it by now it is still in your room, still carrying my scent.
Does it remind you of me? Does it remind you of what we had? What you threw away? Can’t you get rid of it because you remember us and cannot forget as well?
-
In all those moments, I thought we both knew what we were and when I stopped short of telling you how I felt for you, I was so sure you felt it too. Because I could never believe that those trusting eyes played with me.
I tried to find a truth that made you seem good because how could I not when all I ever knew was you? All of the times our souls were connected and our hearts intertwined, I couldn’t allow myself to think that it was all a lie. That I had imagined the love in your eyes and the feeling of coming home in your touch.
-
But now that I am trying to move on and time and space between us grows, I can finally drop the weight that pushed me down and held me there.
I try to imagine your face when you think of me, when you see the neckerchief you never gave back to me and I can’t help but wonder if our love bruised you too.
Do you still remember that night when the snow glistened around us? When we were kissing on that icy path and nothing could come between us? Does the feeling of snow on your face make you jump back in time and go right to that night?
Or have you long forgotten it?
Because I remember it all. I remember it all too well.