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Yaguchi laid in bed, eyes practically burning from the restlessness and his hair messy and tangled from the constant aggressive pulling. It was midnight, and he was once again stuck feeling unable to sleep. His consciousness kept him awake, sending a deepening pain throughout his body.
He gave up on sleep as soon as the pain turned into guilt as he sat up from his bed. He looked around at the massive mess that flooded his room, the only light emitting was the moon shining through his window.
Might as well clean if I’m not sleeping anytime soon. Yaguchi slides off the bed, ignoring the grimey feeling of being in such a cluttered and disastrous space, and begins to tidy up his room, not being bothered to turn on any lights. The task keeps him busy for about 15 minutes until something catches his attention, 2 photos were in the trash can, each crumbled up as if they were meant to be disposed of and never be seen again. Sleep deprived and unaware of when he had attempted to throw them away, Yaguchi grabs them out of the bin and reaches for his desk lamp.
His face shatters the moment he unravels the pictures, as if he had accidentally set off a grenade in front of his allies. The first picture was an old childhood photo of himself and his cousins, including Kashima. The other photo, being more recent than the previous, was of him and Toono, holding an embrace with facial expressions that would be deemed intimate by bystanders.
Yaguchi slouches in his chair, all color fading from his face, allowing the photos to gracefully escape his grasp.
Moments of silence passed by until he couldn’t take hearing only the sound of his rapidly beating heart any longer. With his face quickly changing to match his once mysterious facade, Yaguchi slams his fists onto the table, kicking the desk chair away in anger.
He turns to the photos on the ground, his foot hovering over them for a second before aggressively stopping on them as if they were insects.
He scoffs before glancing over at his mirror, making eye contact with the monster he created. Disgust fills his body and mind as Yaguchi begins to sob in frustration.
He shouldn’t be upset, they don’t care anymore right? He did cause this after all. Usually losing friends was a breeze to Yaguchi, people come and go just as life does, they’re all meaningless to him.
But not this time. As this one was more than a friend.
--------------------------------
“Please, take care of me!”
Ever since he showed up, Yaguchi’s eyes have been glued to him.
Toono sits a couple rows away from him, Yaguchi sighing in relief as the spot being behind him kept him from exchanging any shameful glances at him.
They spend days upon days together, Yaguchi posing as a priest in a confessional as Toono complains about his club. They share many moments together, such as the constant hassle of spending more time cleaning Yaguchi’s room than studying for an exam.
The normal boys in the soccer club gawk at playboy magazines someone smuggles in or boast about their girlfriends that probably are cheating on them while they’re away at school.
Yaguchi spends his time in the club watching from afar as Toono talks to Kashima, physically cringing whenever Kashima is able to make him laugh or smile.
He feels selfish almost, wishing that Toono was his and his only. Wishing that he was the only one who could make him laugh so hard he loses his balance or share moments so close they could be photographed and savored forever.
But he can’t. He can’t lose the facade everyone knows him for. One slip up and Yaguchi becomes just a mere stranger in a crowd.
Yaguchi envies Kashima. He wants so badly for him to fuck up, turn the entire world against him, just so Yaguchi could step up and take his fame. Sure, he was fairly popular and was content with the way all his peers treated him, but he craved more.
Every so often, Kashima will catch him staring, the cage in Yaguchi’s stomach tightening as they have a stare off. He’s grateful for Kashima’s oblivious personality, as the staring showdown usually ends with him smiling and waving, unaware of Yaguchi’s attempt to mark territory.
--------------------------------
“What are you so ashamed of?”
Yaguchi covers his mirror when he’s alone, afraid of what he’d do to himself if he ever got another glance of the alien that people call “Yacchan”.
When Toono visits, he stares at himself in the uncovered mirror, his mind growing increasingly fuzzy as each blink flickers between the happy go lucky persona and the problem child he once was, until Toono unknowingly snaps him back to reality.
When Toono leaves, so does the comfort and security Yaguchi never received as a child. So occasionally he makes Toono stay the night, wanting to lock away and savor this feeling forever.
When his identity gets revealed, he fears another victory for Kashima. For Toono to respond in fear and disgust of the more aggressive side of Yaguchi.
But Toono stays, and it feels genuine to Yaguchi. For once he feels like he’s standing on top of the podium, looking down upon the other patrons, including Kashima.
--------------------------------
Yaguchi feels sick to his stomach, as if the devil on his shoulder told him to do some drastic act.
He’s losing the competition.
“What I feel for Toono, I think, is love . So, you’re right Kyouskue, I do like him.” Kashima’s confession pierces through Yaguchi, his platform on the podium slowly lowers again as Kashima rises up.
His words keep replaying in his mind, like a broken record that's ready to be discarded.
Envy swallows Yaguchi whole. He wishes he could love as well as be loved the way Kashima does. Without it leaving a disgusting taste in his mouth. Or without the constant fear of being different and showing his unique love to the public eye.
He wishes it was easy to love another man the way Kashima can.
The mirror is uncovered this time, Toono nowhere to be in sight as Yaguchi defies his own promises. His hand meets the fragile glass, causing small cuts to form from the now cracked mirror. It reflected himself, his crown falling off and shattering, just like his loss of composure.
He paces his room, wondering how he could rise to the top once again, when the plebeian at the top of his consciousness kicks and shouts, causing his head to pulsate.
And then it hits him. The key opens the floodgates and releases all the devious thoughts and curiosities that the once innocent persona had locked away.
Toono was the key to his uprising.
Yaguchi knew his quiet studying of him would come into play in this battle. Toono was foolish to have never seen through Yaguchi’s oblivious facade, acting as if he was unaware of his romantic remarks.
Sure, making Toono the scapegoat would be shameful, but revenge was all that suffocated Yaguchi’s mind at this point.
And maybe this would finally give him the thirst he had been craving of just by watching him and Kashima daily. The possible satisfaction of having something that Kashima couldn’t have or even replicate.
--------------------------------
Toono’s eyes sparkle at his half-hearted, yet convincing, confession, he’s so unaware of it all his innocence almost hurts Yaguchi.
“You… Want to go out with me?” Toono’s ignorance was making Yaguchi almost regret going with his villainous plan.
God his obliviousness worsened the more he spoke. “Of course I do!” Yaguchi feels the strain of guilt buzzing around him but quickly squashes it like a bug, “I really do like you, Toono.” His mind goes static for a moment as his words start to feel and almost even sound more like Kashima’s than his own.
To Yaguchi’s surprise, the plan was working, Kashima is way too perfect to be this devious, so why not become him and break that seal of trust between him and Toono?
“I-I like you too, Yacchan. And I’d love to go out with you.” It's almost shocking hearing the sincerity in Toono’s voice when the only few emotions Yaguchi would ever see mimicked his immature classmates.
It would be a lie for Yaguchi to say he expected this quick of a response, a lingering fear of rejection bubbled in his core, but was drowned out by this new feeling of intimacy that struck him hard on the head.
And then they both go quiet. The awkwardness between the two nearly killing Yaguchi.
Toono is the first to break the silence, “Can I hug you…?”
His timidness was almost nauseating to Yaguchi.
He slowly nods though, silently opening his arms with hesitation for Toono to weave his way in. It was like the fly had finally given up, allowing itself to make its way into the spider’s arms.
It’s an eye-opening moment for Yaguchi, his lungs stop for a moment as the imaginary wind hits him.
Toono easily was all his. He wrapped his arms around him, fighting his inner demons from applying too much pressure and shattering the delicate Toono.
The extensive amount of time they spent embracing could be deemed as awkward, but Yaguchi had no care. In fact, he’d lost all sense in his mind and body, except for the warmth and aroma that effused from Toono’s body.
Yaguchi’s entire body was consumed by Toono, as if he was drowning in a pool of whatever made up the person standing before him.
The cage tightened around Toono unconsciously. Yaguchi being too hypnotized to realize he was practically crushing him.
“Yacchan you can let go now.” It was like the hypnotist snapped his fingers, stopping the swaying watch.
Yaguchi releases his arms, muttering an apology as he could hear Toono attempt to hide a shaky exhale.
Had he really held him that tightly?
Seeing Toono’s expression of what he read as fear added even more guilt to the gradually rising well of sin, causing a shift in his mind and for his self-consciousness to kick in.
“Toono, a-are you sure you want to date me?!” Yaguchi chokes, causing Toono to also shift his expression into a more confused and concerned one.
“Yacchan why-”
“I-I’m just saying, I mean, I asked you out by chance, thinking you would think I was joking you know! But the more I think about it I worry you’ll think I’m lame or… or that I’m a bad boyfri-”
Whack .
Toono lightly hits Yaguchi’s head, causing the self-conscious alter to back away from reality.
“Yacchan, you’re kinda dumb sometimes, you know?” Toono laughs.
“Wha-”
“I don’t think you realize how good of a person you actually are,” he grabs both of Yaguchi’s hands, caressing them with his thumbs, “but it’s fine! I think this relationship will help you realize that.”
His face gets gradually closer to Yaguchi, the heat melting off all the senses in his brain. He resorts to being just as oblivious as Toono was when the conversation began, mindlessly nodding his head for consent as their lips connected. Toono’s lips are soft compared to the harshness of Yaguchi’s from his constant lip biting habit, but neither one of them seem to care.
Yaguchi, surprisingly, is the one to break the kiss, fearing he was going to have a stroke from all of the constant heat that came from the two of them.
Toono slaps a hand over his mouth shamefully, “I should’ve asked you first! I’m sorry Ya-”
Yaguchi laughs subconsciously, as if Toono had just told a joke instead of sincerely being ashamed for not asking to kiss him.
“Don’t worry about it! You overthink way too much dude.” He grins aggressively, hiding the fact that he’s slowly cracking on the inside.
And then Toono smiles, Yaguchi knows it’s due to his innocence and kindheart, but his sweetness only adds more fire to the flame in his heart.
“Ah it’s getting super late! I’ll see you tomorrow?” He blushes, giving Yaguchi’s arm one last tug, as if he's a child being dropped off at daycare.
“Yeah.” Is all Yaguchi says before his cheek gets attacked by Toono’s lips and then watches him happily walk off into the distance.
He waits until Toono enters his dorm building before dropping his smile, his ego shattering along with it.
He’s so fucking screwed.
--------------------------------
“Yuri, it's not that funny!”
Yaguchi could hear Yuri’s laugh from miles away, his devious cackling only getting louder the closer he got to him and Toono.
“What’s going on?” Yaguchi asks, wrapping an arm around Toono.
“Yacchan! Don’t sneak up behind me like that!” He playfully whines as Yaguchi leans in to kiss his cheek, forgetting Yuri was standing right in front of them.
Yaguchi didn’t care though, wasn’t Yuri too incompetent to spread rumors?
He babbled for a moment before saying something that sounded like “is it true?”
“Oh yeah! I told Yuri if that’s fine with you. I bumped into him and it kinda slipped out that we’re dating.” Toono says sheepishly.
Yaguchi silently nods.
Tamura calls for Yuri in the distance, causing him to jump and skip past the two, but before he runs off he puts a hand on Yaguchi’s shoulder and leans into his ear,
“Have fun with him while you can.”
Yaguchi quickly turns, but Yuri vanishes before he could react, doing his usual ear-bleeding cackle off in the distance.
“What did he say?” asks Toono, grabbing a hold of Yaguchi’s hand.
“Oh you know, whatever bullshit he says all the time.”
“Ah, oh by the way, is PDA alright with you? I didn’t know if you were uncomfortable with me holding your hand and all in front of the others-”
“Does Kashima know?”
Yaguchi slaps his mouth with his free hand, regretting how harsh his question came out as.
“I-I thought that’s what we were going to do right now? Do you not want him to know?”
“N-No that’s not what I meant! I-”
“Is everything ok?”
Yaguchi internally groans, he always showed up at the wrong time.
“Hi Kashima! We’re good!”
Kashima grins, ruffling Toono’s hair as Yaguchi stared daggers into his arm.
Yaguchi wasn’t expecting to be there when they broke the news to him, but maybe it’ll be satisfactory to him?
Maybe Kashima will smile at them, congratulate them only to go to his room and cry. Or maybe he’ll get angry and yell at them for being foolish.
“We came to tell you that we’re dating!” Toono says with a smile.
Well he didn’t expect Toono to just blurt it out to the entire world, but who would blame him? He’s just happy to know someone loves him.
Right. “Loves” him.
Kashima smiles drops, Yaguchi almost laughs, but it returns for a short moment as he tries to think of a reply.
“Really? Wow, that’s… amazing! I’m happy for you both, really!”
The air is awkward and tense, Yaguchi feels as if Kashima was going to beat him to a bloody pulp the minute Toono disappears.
But he doesn’t show anger at all, just sorrowful happiness.
“Thank you, Kashima.” Yaguchi says with a devious smile.
“Of course! I actually have to get going now, Shikatani asked me to help him with something.”
“Are you alright Kashima?” Toono can sense the sorrow in Kashima’s voice.
“I-I’m good! Don’t worry about me, Toono. Again, congratulations to you both, I give you my future blessings.” He tries to joke but his laugh only comes out as a sad cough.
They watch as he quietly bows, walking away from the two in defeat.
It was as if the trophy was handed off to him, the crowd going wild and screaming his name and his only.
Yaguchi Kyosuke had finally won.
--------------------------------
“I didn’t know you had a thing for Toono.”
Tamura’s voice travels in and out of Yaguchi’s ear, reminding him of a snake circling its prey.
“Yeah, wasn’t it obvious?” He doesn’t look up at Tamura, his eyes stay fixated on a rock he was toying with on the ground.
“N...No not really.”
Kick.
“Well, it should be since we’re dating.”
Swoop. Kick.
“I mean not exactly, sometimes people are in relationships just for the excitement of keeping someone to themself-” He pauses, realizing he caught Yaguchi’s attention finally as their eyes meet.
“Or... Just because they want someone to fuck .”’
Yaguchi kicks the rock too far, sending it flying a mere feet away from him.
“Tamura, do you hear yourself right now?” He cocks his head, making sure his mocking tone hides the fact that he wasn’t too far off.
“Loud and clear Yaguchi.”
He tries to think of a snarky remark to shoot Tamura with, but his train of thought is interrupted by the sound of Toono racing towards him.
“Yacchan!” Yaguchi raises his arms, opening up the cage for Toono to climb inside, locking him in with an embrace.
He exchanges a devious expression towards Tamura as he pecks Toono on the cheek.
A look that has “ don’t test me” written all over it.
Kashima catches up to them, looking above the embraced pair to greet Tamura.
“Hello Tamu-senpai! What are you up to?”
Before he could speak, Yaguchi glared at him.
“Yeah Tamura, what are you up to?” He says with his facial expression.
Tamura clearly understood the nonverbal communication as he responded with, “I was just passing through,” before shoving his hands into his pockets and glumly walking past everyone else.
“Is… he ok? You didn’t say anything to set him off right?” Kashima asks.
Yaguchi scoffs, knowing that he will be behind the bitchy Tamura that Kashima will have to handle later on.
“Yeah, he’s fine,” he ruffles Toono’s hair, sending knives at the unsuspecting Kashima with his eyes, “Let’s go get food, I’m starving!”
--------------------------------
Yaguchi waits.
He waits for days upon days for Toono to get back. So he can end this once and for all.
He lays wide awake at night, wondering if he should’ve told him before he left for his club trip. Would it have been better this way? Breaking up with Toono before he left so that he could cry into Kashima’s arms the entire time?
The fireworks festival was tonight, Yaguchi knew it would be the perfect place to admit to his sins. Play one final game of confessional, only this time Yaguchi would be the confessor and Toono would be the priest.
He would allow himself to spend one last night with Toono, lapping up every last drop out of intimacy that seeps out of him like a bloodthirsty vermin until he broke it off, fleeing away afterwards like a coward to avoid seeing him shatter.
“Your hair looks nice, it’s… different.” Toono compliments him, pressing his soft lips against Yaguchi’s cheeks.
“I mean all I did was put it up differently.”
“It’s still nice though Yacchan. Makes you look older .”
Their hands intertwine with each other, Yaguchi wanting so badly to let go.
To finally free Toono from his bear trap.
He feels like a time bomb during its final hours, waiting impatiently for the timer to reach zero. For doomsday to come and for him to reveal everything to Toono, the jealousy, the plan, the way all of his love was a lie.
But for now, he’s silent, allowing Toono to tell him about his trip and how annoying the club members were, savouring his angel before it becomes corrupted .
“Do you think a lot of couples come here? It feels like the perfect place for someone to confess or even propose to someone.” They managed to find a spot away from the crowd, secluded as if the world was only populated by Yaguchi and Toono.
“Yeah, I would think so, it’s been a dream of mine to be able to take someone on a date here.” Yaguchi replies. It sounds robotic to him, like something prerecorded for a stuffed toy to repeat when activated. But to Toono it sounds genuine .
Toono grins, laying his head against Yaguchi’s shoulder. Can he feel his heart rapidly beat? Can he sense Yaguchi’s uneasiness? Or is he too distracted by his sharp shoulder-blade digging into his cheek?
He turns, ruffling Toono’s hair before kissing his forehead. It’s still shocking to see a more intimate side of Toono, as he lifts his face to press his lips against Yaguchi.
His lips feel cool on Yaguchi’s burning skin, as if he placed a cold compress on his forehead to extinguish a fever. The softness contrasting Yaguchi’s chapped lips. He wonders if Toono thinks about these differences as well, or if he talks in private to Kashima about them, making jokes only the two of them know of.
Sharing an intimacy only they could acquire, something Yaguchi would never be able to mimic.
The time bomb ticks louder, fireworks burst into the sky as they disconnect from each other. They watch in awe as colors bleed into each other. The only light besides the lanterns are the fireworks, emitting their faces with vibrant colors for a split second, before disappearing into the night.
Yaguchi's mind runs in a maze, wondering what exactly to say to Toono as each direction will end up having a different outcome. Each dead end leaves his heart beating more and more harshly, as if it will shoot out of his chest at any moment and leave him lifeless .
He wonders if other people are riding the same boat as he is, their fake lover watching the fireworks as they come up with the phrase that will change the other’s life forever. Maybe they won’t feel as bad as Yaguchi does. Or maybe they’re currently drowning in a sea of guilt, giving up on themselves as their lungs begin to overflow and suffocate.
Maybe they-
“I love you.”
The ticking stops. There's no explosion, no screaming or crying. It’s silent .
“What?”
He expects Toono to be staring at him, but he isn't, his eyes fixated on something in the distance. He only turns when Yaguchi questions him again, as if he was a CD that kept skipping.
“I’m in love with you, Yaguchi.” He puts extra weight on his formal name.
When Toono speaks, it’s genuine. Nothing that comes out is heavily edited or blurred out. While the Toono sitting before him appears to Yaguchi as a stranger admitting his dirty secret, it’s still Toono. There’s no puppeteer behind him, or a switch that shows which persona he’ll take on today.
It’s just Toono Takashi.
The panic rises again, his plan is fucked . He can’t ruin the moment now, immediately responding to Toono’s confession with despair would be more of a dick move than the weighted lie he keeps dragging behind him.
So, he just stares, thinking of something to say. Should he make up some response that's just as half-hearted as the night he confessed? Would Toono notice the insincerity of him saying he loves him as well? Or will the layers seep back into the flesh that makes up the naive Toono who's sitting there, waiting for a response.
“You… don’t have to say it back, Yacchan.” The informality of Toono’s voice guides Yaguchi back into consciousness.
His voice and body language speak calmly, Toono’s hand resting on top of Yaguchi’s.
But his eyes are starving . He wants Yaguchi to say it back, to give him the validation he craves so badly, the certainty that someone loves him.
Yaguchi could give him what he wants. He could tell Toono he loves him back; it would be insincere but at least he’d be feeding the massive pit in his stomach that’s dying for satisfaction.
But he doesn’t, he can’t bring himself to say anything at all. His mouth opens but his throat feels locked up, as if the gatekeeper is itching to open it and shove nonsense out.
“O-Oh,” Is all that comes out of Yaguchi.
His breath stops for a moment, watching as Toono retracts his hand.
“I’m sorry if I alarmed you,” Toono chokes, “But I wanted to get it out. It was hurting me while I was away. I just had to get it out of me, you know?”
He stands, holding his hand out to lift Yaguchi up.
“Like I said, you don’t have to say it back or anything, I don’t expect you to say it at all honestly,” He laughs, “I’m probably overthinking it all. And it’s probably way too early for me to be dropping the L word but it's true, I do love you. And I’m glad to be with you, Yacchan.”
--------------------------------
He doesn’t know how he got here.
He doesn’t know how, or even why for that matter, he ended up in Tamura’s room, refusing to look at anything but the ground.
The only thing Yaguchi does know is that he’s dug himself a hole that’s too deep to escape from, all he can do now is wait for someone to bury him alive.
“What did you wake me up in the middle of the night for?” Tamura groans.
Yaguchi stays silent, eyes fixated on articles of clothing scattered on the floor. Were they Tamura’s? Or did each piece belong to a different person, each probably wide awake in their beds wondering if their feelings would ever be reciprocated?
The ground shakes below him, a sinkhole forming around the desk chair Yaguchi sat in, slowly swallowing him the more he kept quiet. The earth reaches his knees before he finally speaks,
“I...I messed up. Really badly Tamura.”
He finally looks up at him, who stood quietly with a deadpan expression.
“What are you talking about?”
Yaguchi couldn’t just admit directly to him, he had to beat around the bush.
“The day you asked about Toono, you told me that all relationships are not the same. What exactly did you mean by that?” He asks, knowing exactly what Tamura meant.
His face looks frozen, expression still remaining deadpan, as if Tamura knew Yaguchi’s question was stupid.
“What did you do Yaguchi?” He breathes, his tone sounding unimpressed and not worried at all for him.
He can’t bring himself to say it out loud. Yaguchi’s throat dries and closes in, desiring for Tamura’s brain to work for once in his goddamn life so he could realize it and say it instead of him. But he doesn’t work that way, and it’s not fair to depend on him to admit his own sins.
“I-I don’t… actually like Toono, in that way,” He swallows, “I’m just dating him so Kashima can’t.”
The room is silent except for the excruciatingly loud sound of Yaguchi’s heart pounding that flooded his ears. He feels like a small child, sitting powerless amongst their brooding father, awaiting their cruel punishment for acting a fool in class.
“You’re… joking , right?” Is all that Tamura says, his chest slowly moves up and down as he huffs out air.
Yaguchi stays silent, allowing for the earth to continue sinking him in deeper, his legs are gone before Tamura asks the question again, sounding angrier than before.
“No, Tamura, I’m serious.”
He wonders if Tamura can smell the fear eroding from his pores, the fear that at any moment Toono will appear from hiding, or that the distance between him and Tamura will decrease in seconds with just a quick punch to his gut.
But none of that happens. Tamura just exhales, rubbing his temples harshly. He doesn’t know what to say, and they’re both fully aware of that.
“Ok,” Tamura exhales, “who else knows?”
“Just you.”
He’s surprised that Tamura held his anger in. Has he been in Yaguchi’s position before, sitting shamefully in a chair just like him as his close friend finds out the truth?
“How do you feel?”
Yaguchi freezes, not knowing how to answer but also astonished by how caring Tamura is at that moment. He shouldn't be asking about how he feels, so why is he?
“I’m… I’m fucking scarred , Tamura.” He slams his hand over his mouth, gritting his teeth to hide any signs of him crying.
He wants Tamura to yell at him. Scream in anger about how he shouldn't be the one scared or that this is all his fault.
But he doesn't, he just stands there.
“It’s funny, seeing you and Toono together feels so surreal it's concerning. Hell, Toono even thinks all of this is real! No wonder you’re fucking terrfied,” He scoffs, now making his anger towards Yaguchi obvious, “How… How far have you two gone? You two haven’t fucked yet, right?”
Yaguchi cringes, he’d rather die than peel off any more of Toono’s innocence like he’s done before.
“He told me he loves me, that’s why I came here.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
They sit in silence, the vision of a confessional coming back just to hit Yaguchi in the face. He’s angry at how reliving it is to finally confess his guilt to someone, but he wasn’t off the hook yet.
“Are you going to tell him?” Is the last thing Yaguchi remembers Tamura asking him before aggressively kicking him out of his dorm.
“Yeah.”
--------------------------------
Yaguchi never tells Toono.
He continues the fake dates, the lifeless kisses, all to make Toono happy.
At this point he was doing it all for Toono’s approval rather than to get back at his cousin.
And it angered Tamura.
“He’s gonna find out sooner or later, you know.”
Tamura’s voice trails in and of him per usual, only this time it furiously grabs ahold of him, but Yaguchi ignores him, splashing water on his face as if cleansing himself will dissolve the deepening guilt of not keeping his word.
“And you’re ignoring me. Of course you fucking are,” Tamura slams his hand onto the faucet, causing Yaguchi’s eyes to dart in his direction.
“You have my full attention now, your highness .” Yaguchi snaps, turning the faucet off.
“I’m just saying that this has gone on for way too long. You and I both know this. You’re gonna have to tell him sooner or later Yaguchi.”
His devious smile drops as he realizes Tamura’s tone had changed, sounding like a brand-new person instead of the snarky jerk he knew.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Tamura.” With a flick of a switch Yaguchi returned back to his old self, acting as if he never sat in Tamura’s room that night, holding back shameful tears as he shared his confession to Tamura.
As if he was the real victim.
Tamura snaps, both hands gripping Yaguchi’s shirt, practically lifting him off the ground, “Don’t start with that shit, you are in no position to fucking play dumb Yaguchi-”
And then he appears, grabbing Tamura’s arm in an attempt to calm the chaos.
“Tamu-senpai? Kyousuke? What’s going on?” Kashima’s eyes are glued to Yaguchi, still shaken by Tamura’s lashing.
“Yeah, Yaguchi, what is going on?” Tamura huffs, allowing Kashima to pull him off of Yaguchi, “Why don’t you step on that podium and just tell the entire fucking world your dirty little secret, that you and Toono are fake dating .”
Yaguchi's blood boils, but the heat gets even worse when he realizes that Kashima had let go of Tamura, as if he was releasing a bull into the fighting ring.
“Kyousuke, what is he talking about?” His tone barely formed a question, as if Tamura had completely spelled it out for him.
“I- At first it was to make you- I mean-” Yaguchi choked on his words.
“ Fake dating ? Kysoskue what is wrong with you?! Toono is already dealing with things with his family, and this is how you add to the problem?”
He didn’t even think about Toono’s family until Kashima mentioned it.
“Kashima I-” he begins.
“No! You listen to me. Toono talks day and night about you , about how you’ve helped him find himself, and how happier he is even with his family treating him badly. All this just for you to act like what you have with him is nothing ?! I-” Kashima chokes, hiding the now forming tears.
“Yuu-”
“You knew I loved him, you took what made me happy and crushed it, for your own sadistic pleasure. You truly are selfish Kysouskue.” snaps Kashima.
Yaguchi freezes, the static in his mind getting louder by the second, his eyebrows furrowed as he wondered how he got into this mess and how everyone showed up unannounced.
And then he remembered that every day Toono and Kashima walked together to meet him after practice.
His blood goes cold as he quickly looks up, eyes darting from Tamura to Kashima, and then-
“Yacchan?”
To Toono .
The world freezes. It’s all eyes on Yaguchi, the sun shining in his eyes as if he was on a stage.
“I-I had to stay behind for a bit to finish a test so I couldn’t walk with Kashima but I…” Toono’s voice cracks, “It was fake? All of the memories we’ve shared, were fake ?”
“Toono, I-I was going to say something sooner, but you were so happy and I-”
“Dude, just cut the shit.” Tamura cuts him off.
Toono slowly looks up, his eyes now puffy and red, he stares directly at Yaguchi, who stares back at him in shame.
The guilt had now fully devoured him, suffocating him to the point of having no sound come out as his mouth opened.
And then Toono’s tone changes, back to the old happy go lucky tone he’d use as if they were back in Yaguchi’s room studying, as if none of this had just happened.
“Actually Yacha-Yaguchi, I-I shouldn’t be mad at you. It’s my fault anyways! For thinking that you actually liked me. God I’m, so... Stupid you know? It's almost as if you knew that and just pitied me.” He smiles and attempts to push a laugh out, but it sounds so broken and drowned out by sorrow.
And then he cries, all of the fragile care Yaguchi made sure to be careful with wore off in that moment.
It wasn’t… abnormal to see Toono cry, as any other normal human being would express an emotion similar to sadness or anger when put in the victim role of this situation.
But it hurt Yaguchi knowing that he was the cause of Toono’s tears.
While Yaguchi’s feet stay glued to the ground, Tamura and Kashima look at each other, somber expressions mirroring one another, and then back at Toono.
It's… awkward for Yaguchi. Standing there like the senseless dunce he had become, watching Toono attempt to pick up the pieces he’d shattered. It was like watching his mother angrily pick up pieces of a vase he dropped, quietly cursing to herself.
He hates this. He wishes he could pick up his damn feet and run over to Toono, and wrap his arms around him, telling him that it was going to be okay.
But he can’t. He doesn’t deserve to even think about doing that.
But Kashima does, as the attention is suddenly on him as he moves towards Toono’s side.
Guilt turns into the dreaded envy as he watches Kashima put a hand on Toono’s shoulder, leaning in to whisper something in his ear, probably something like, “I’m here, it's ok.”
Toono stays silent, merely nodding and hiccuping.
Then Yaguchi does the worst possible thing at that very moment. His mouth opens,
“Toono. I’m sorry-”
Tamura and Kashima shoot him a look of pure rage, as if one more word and he’d end up beaten and left for dead in a ditch.
“N-No, it’s fine Yaguchi! I promise it’s ok, you just wanted to make me happy I understand!” Toono bows, even from a few feet Yaguchi can see his entire body tremble, “But y-you don’t have to feel stressed out anymore! I’ll finally be out of your hands, and we don’t have to pretend anymore.”
And then he looks up at Yaguchi, completely deadpan,
“Honestly I should be more appreciative. You-You’re a really considerate person, Yaguchi.”
His heart stops, as if Toono had stabbed him repeatedly, and all the color leaves Yaguchi’s face.
Without any goodbye, Toono and Kashima walk away, Yaguchi watching in despair as Kashima wraps an arm around him, pulling Toono closer.
He wants to run towards them, plead and beg him for mercy.
But the exact moment he tries to step forward, Tamura stops him.
“This isn’t something he’ll forget in a day you know.” Tamura lifts his leg out in front of Yaguchi.
“I-I know-”
“You will never get him back. Or even Kashima for that matter.”
The floodgates open once again.
“I know that! Why the fuck do you keep repeating it over and over, as if I don’t already know what I did.” Yaguchi snaps.
Tamura lashes out once more, this time knowing no one is going to stop him. His hands reach for the same spots on his shirt as the first time, only this time instead of keeping him in one spot Tamura throws Yaguchi onto the ground.
“Because you don’t know what the fuck you did. And don’t try to turn this shit around and blame me, asshole. You broke him, Yaguchi. A damage so bad it could take ages to recover from. So yeah, I think I will keep telling you that you fucked up, because it's the truth,” His foot connects swiftly with Yaguchi’s side, removing the rest of the breath left in him, “And just so you know, you are going to stay the hell away from him. Never go even a foot near him. It’s not a fucking request.”
Yaguchi submissively nods as Tamura walks away. His rage-filled expression leaving an imprint in Yaguchi’s mind.
He’s frozen on the ground, his mind racing while only the sounds of his own blood flow and a sharp ring play on repeat in his ears.
How long did they know? Was Toono aware all along that he was being used for competition?
Why did he have to open his mouth? Why couldn’t he have kept fucking quiet and kept playing his own game?
Was it fun? He can hear Toono ask in his head, his sorrow tone cutting into him like he was a lab rat in a science project.
For a while, yeah. He answers the fictitious voice in his head, shamefully.
Yaguchi fucked up, and now the whole world knows.
--------------------------------
It takes weeks before Toono shows up in Yaguchi classes again.
Rumors spread like wildfires, saying things like he had a “death in the family and had to go home” or that he got “seriously ill”.
But Yaguchi knew it was none of that.
He knew where Toono was all those days, cooped up in his room, mourning over his heart being ripped to shreds and tossed back and forth like a toy.
He’d watch Kashima come into his classes to get Toono’s work each day, staying for a few extra minutes as if he was trying to mark territory, but it was merely to exchange melancholic conversations with his teachers and give updates as to how Toono was doing.
Both Tamura and Kashima refused to speak to Yaguchi after that day, and he didn’t even want to think about how the photography club thought of him now.
When Toono finally returned to class, Yaguchi restrained himself, knowing someone would be hiding in the shadows to murder him if he even looked in Toono’s direction.
He seemed… happy. But Yaguchi couldn’t tell if it was genuine happiness or just a facade so that no one worried about him.
There's a knock on his door one day, shocking him as the only people who approached his door now was his classmates playing a stupid prank on him.
He hesitantly opens it, and to his surprise, it's Toono.
Yaguchi looked around to make sure Kashima or anyone in the photography club wasn’t hiding as backup, but sure enough it was just him.
“Toon-”
“We need to talk.” His tone was different from his usual chipperness, this one seemed straightforward and harsh.
Yaguchi steps back, allowing Toono to let himself in and close the door.
“I’m assuming you’re wanting an explanation.”
It was like he was back in Tamura’s room, only this time Toono was the one rubbing his forehead in annoyance.
“Of course I fucking do Yaguchi. Obviously, I wasn’t going to get one while I was having a breakdown now, was I?” Yaguchi hated when Toono got serious, but he couldn’t be angry at something he caused.
Yaguchi sat on his bed, refusing to make eye contact with Toono as he knew it would only make the weight in his throat bigger.
“I… I was jealous. Of what you and Kashima had I mean,” He starts, shooting a quick glance at Toono, who now had a raised eyebrow, “I envy Kashima so much, and I wanted to take something from him that he couldn’t duplicate so-”
“So, you brought me into your little family feud?” snaps Toono.
Yaguchi chokes on air, he didn’t know what to say, Toono was right though.
“I-In a way yeah, but-”
“But what, Yaguchi?” Toono growls, getting closer to him, “You fell in love accidentally ? Grow the fuck up and stop making fucking excuses. Not only did you hurt me, but you hurt Kashima as well. I spent weeks trying to pick up the pieces you left. And what did you do? Sit on your ass and sulk over something you did?! I don’t want to fucking hear it.”
Yaguchi stayed silent, sitting in shame as Toono let all of his anger and sorrow out. He wondered if this was therapeutic for him, to scream and shout at the one who hurt him terribly.
The sun from the window hits Toono’s face, reminding Yaguchi of the times they’d sit outside and talk. How they’d complain about the heat or how the sun would blind their eyes and laugh at whatever shitty joke one of them would tell. He remembers the only time Toono used to get mad was when Yuri or Tamura would run past them, occasionally bumping into Toono and not apologizing due to their constant bickering.
But now wasn’t the time to remorse.
He shifts in his bed, switching his glance from Toono and back to his feet.
Toono lets out a choked laugh, grabbing the desk behind him to keep his balance.
“The funniest thing about all of this is that I didn’t even come here to ask what happened,” He stares at the ceiling, refusing to look at Yaguchi, “I came here to tell you that Kashima and I are together.”
His words wobble and echo throughout the room, as if a bouncy ball was set loose to cause havoc.
Toono and… Kashima ?
Kashima had won after all?
“Ah.” Is all that Yaguchi can say.
What the hell was he supposed to say? Congratulations?
“You know, I never did fake my feelings for you. I did love you Yaguchi, but I realize that I was just a steppingstone for you to realize your true self or whatever.”
And then Toono does something even Yaguchi wouldn’t expect in such tense times.
He smiles .
And it’s a genuine one this time, unlike the somber smile he showed after finding out he was being used as bait.
“Am I still upset that you used me? Yes. But,” Toono grabs Yaguchi, pulling him up to his feet, “I think… that this helped you realize something you’ve been struggling with for awhile.”
“Which is…?” Yaguchi stands in fear that Toono is going to punch him at any moment, but he doesn’t.
“That you don’t have to be like Kashima to be loved .”
Yaguchi cries.
He doesn’t know how or why he cries, but the weight in his throat gave in and tears began to flow out.
“I-”
“What you did was shitty Yaguchi, but I hope you can find closure in all of this.”
“Are we friends?” Yaguchi sputters through tears.
Toono is quiet for a moment, before speaking in the same somber tone as before,
“I… don’t know? I think we need some time apart for a while, but just know I don’t hate you. You just messed up really badly, but I think we’ll eventually become friends again.”
And then Toono hugs Yaguchi, this time Yaguchi stands there lifelessly, letting Toono escape his grasp and wave goodbye to him.
“See you soon?” Yaguchi asks somberly.
“Yeah, see you soon, Kyosuke.”