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Yet another awful moon this month. With all the guys at the Potters for christmas, I was alone, and got myself in trouble, as usual. Mum and dad were still asleep, and probably would be for a few more hours, it was only 3:48 as it was. I limped into the kitchen, leaning up against the counter as I searched for salve. The soft yellow light glowed across only half the room, tinting the other side a deep brown. The light was perfectly positioned to illuminate the grey phone hanging on the wall, though, the buttons fading and barely showing the white numbers on the black background.
I knew I shouldnt, she'd probably be asleep anyways, but it was beckoning me. It was a bad idea, but somehow I found myself slinking over to to reciever anyways, propping it between my shoulder and ear as I leaned my head. My fingers reached up to push in her number, still bloody and gross. I wiped them on my joggers before continuing, hearing it ring a couple times as I breathed heavily.
"Remus? That you?"
"Yeah, yeah. Hey."
"Hey! How are you? What are you doing up so late?"
"I could ask the same." I let out a light laugh, enjoying her voice flooding my ears. "Im okay. Id be better if you were here though..." I trailed on, twisting the kinky cord in my fingers as I waited for her.
"You dont mean that."
"I do! You know I do. Come over."
"Remus....its 4 in the morning."
"Its not like youre not up."
"...be over in 15." She says, ending the call with a click.
I hang the phone back up and finish applying salve to whichever wounds I can reach. I carry the rest of the bottle up with me to the roof, along with a few pre-rolled joints and a lighter. I look out on the street, seeing the faint glow of the lights and breathing in all the different sounds. No one with any place to go. No cars, no trains, nothing but the fawna out and the crinkling of my burning rolling paper. The earthy taste between my lips calmed me down a lot, made it easier to talk to her. I dont think she'd come near me if she knew what I was like outside of this stuff. Id gotten through nearly my entire joint when I hear the faint patter of her footsteps coming down the road. Her elongated shadow cast on the ground from the gaslight lamps. I stand, letting her know where I was, though its not out of the ordinary for me to be up here. She sneaks through the forest as not to be seen from anyones windows, hopping over the chainlink fence of my yard and hurrying up the ladder. I see her hair before her, finding it fixed up, but the smile on her face is most heavenly when its come into view.
"Hey." is all she says, pulling herself up onto the roof. She follows the same routine- tearing off her shoes immediately, feeling the shingles beneath her feet as she makes it over to where I sat. Her smile dissipates the closer she gets to me.
"What? Something wrong?"
"You reek."
"Jealous? I brought one for you, too, dont worry." I say, slinging my arm around her shoulders and leaning in to peck her cheek. She rips away.
"No, no, its not that."
"Whats wrong then? I swear I got most of the blood this time."
"No, its dumb. Dont worry about it."
She inches herself further from me, not meeting my eyes, instead focusing on the rolling plains beyond my backyard. She breathes in the air, her diaphragm expanding and shuddering back with the cool breeze as her head tilts up towards the remaining stars. She looked beautiful, out like this. I cant ignore the expression on her face, or the clear smell of disappointment flooding from her skin.
"Alright, whats wrong?"
"I said dont worry about it."
"Darling, its not a good time if you wont look at me. The not talking is fine as long as we're doing something to make up for it."
She scoffs at me, turning her head away and rubbing her arms from the chill. She stands and starts towards the ladder, not even bothering to deal with her belongings until shes practically on the top rung.
"I shouldnt have come anyways."
"Baby, whats going on?"
"Dont call me that."
"Y/n! Whats up with you tonight?"
I stand up, too, grabbing her arm and turning her towards me. Shes got to many emotions on at once, its hard to tell what shes feeling really. I hope theyre not all at me, none of them are positive.
"I just- I just thought this time was different."
"What do you mean?"
"Why do you only call me when youre high, Remus? Sirius not available this time of night?" She bursts out. I see her eyes starting to allow tears to swell in them.
"Y/n, its not like that-"
"No, of course its not. Its just that you only want me around when youve hurt yourself, or you just need a snogging buddy when youre lonely! You didnt sound high yet when you called me this time, so I thought it was different. Its my own damn fault. I shouldve known."
She pulls away from my grasp, giving me one more look up and down and shaking her head before descending. Im in shock, to say the least, and only snap out of it once I see her hit the ground, climbing over the fence again and trudging through the landscape. I leave all my things up on the roof and start to go after her. I have to go after her.
Problem is, Im the only 17 year old on the planet with a bad hip. I have to hobble down, ignoring the new scars in addition as I try to keep up. I call her name a couple times, but Im fairly certain she wants nothing to do with me. Here is where most people would take the hint, but im not like most people, I suppose. Eventually she gets back on the open road, harder for her to ignore me and easier for me to jog a clear path.
"Y/n! Wait up, will ya?"
"Its the weed talking, Ill just go home."
"Y/n!"
She stops and turns towards me in the road. Her perfect skin looks ethereal parked underneath the street lamp. I can almost forget the pure rage and sadness in her eyes. Almost.
"Remus!" She yells back in the same tone. Fortunately, her angry halt gives me time to meet her. "Im done with this, Remus. It hurts too much. I have to be up in the morning anyways."
"Hey, hey. Y/n...I dont-I dont really know what to say."
"I didnt expect you to. You should get home, your leg looks pretty bad and you're probably exhausted."
"No, you need to know. Im a nervous wreck, y/n. Im anxious and a coward and either talk too much or too little. My whole life is fucked up, ive got shit friends and shit coping mechanisms, and shit flirting skills or whatever. I call you when im high because its the only time im not afraid to talk to you. We met while I was high, thats the guy you liked to hang out with. I want to...all the time I want to call you. Half the time I try to, but fuck, something just gets in the way!"
"I dont need to hear your excuses right n-"
"I know. I know that. I just- give me another chance? This sneaking around with you...its fun. Its a lot of fun. I like to get high with you and snog and talk, but its the fact that its with you. I like you, y/n, honest."
She rolls her eyes. Her toes start to tap on the pavement, myself noticing at some point she put the trainers back on, the light bounce of them not enough to flush out the absolute pounding of my heart. The longer we stand in silence, the more my stomach starts to churn in on itself. I want to throw up. Blame all my words on the drug. She must not feel the same, it shouldnt take so long if she feels the same. My head is pounding, the weed feels like its wearing off. So is the smell of rage, though.
"My shift at the library ends at 4. I will be sober, and if you so happen to decide to call, I hope you will be too."
"4 pm. What is it, 20 minute walk?"
"30, if I decide to take my time. I have to go."
"4:30. Ill call."
"I hope so." She just barely whispers to herself. Unbeknownst to her, my hearing is impeccable this time of the month.
I cant help but smile to myself as I make the walk home, climbing up to the roof again to gather my supplies and making it back into the house. Clock on the wall reads 5:15, I could hardly believe that it was that long. Probably my bum leg and hip. The entire left side of my body ached at this point, but Id say its worth it. Mum was starting to wake as I made it up the stairs, making me have to rush in my room to put everything away and lay down. Didnt take much to get me to sleep, though. 4:30, i kept reminding myself.
I wake to the soft smell of fresh bread and lunch meat wafting up to my room. Mums made lunch, and Im starving. I make my way downstairs sleepily, rubbing my eyes and clearing my vision. The bright sunlight shining through the windows burns for a bit, but reminds me to look at the clock.
"Sorry its a bit late today. Wanted to let you get your sleep." She says, crafting a couple sandwhiches for me and placing the plate in front of me. "Everything go okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks, mum. What time is it?"
"About 4, 4:15 maybe. Mustve been rough."
I ignore her for the time being, gnawing through the meal as quickly as possible at the realization. Mum leaves the room, off to who knows where. Snarfing the meal down takes about 5 minutes, still 10 left to stall and prepare myself. I go through what to say in my head over and over, flicking my vision to the clock on the wall constantly. 4:23. 4:27. 4:28. 4:29 and 40, 41 seconds. I start dialing in her number, trembling fingers nearly messing me up. The rotary takes its last spin, and a familiar ring takes over. 4:29 and 59 seconds, 4:30.
"When you said 4:30, you werent kidding." Y/ns voice transfers through the wire, and I cant seem to determine if I'm more worried or if its calmed me. "Im sorry, I assume this is Remus?"
"Yeah, yeah. Its me. H-how are you?"
She laughs a bit at my slight stutter-definitely more nervous.
"What a gentleman, you never ask how i am." You can practically hear her giddy grin. I try to focus on that mental imagery rather than trying to find out that apology. "Work was long, nothing too bad though. You get some rest?"
"Yeah, plenty." I reply quickly, leaving both of us in some silence after a dry response. Where would this conversation go? Id left it pretty bare, exactly what I was worried about. "Im sorry. Its like all of a sudden I dont know how to talk to you. Im nervous."
"Dont be. Im the same old me and youre the same old you."
"Right. See you in 15?"
"You didnt think it would be that easy, did you?"
"Y/n, just tell me what you want from me."
"Hows your hip?"
"Better. Come on, what do i have to do?"
"Come to mine. Ill see you in 15, maybe 20 for the bum leg. Bring your stuff, Ill help patch you up, too."
The line clicks and I waste no time running up to my room, changing into a large patterned sweater and some khakis, something nicer than Id been wearing this morning when we met. I packed a small backpack with all of my things- salves, bandages, the small scissors and gauze tape. I also threw in my wallet just in case, and decided against the joints. Mum almost caught me rushing out the door, I thought for sure Id be scolded for something or another, but I closed the door behind me and made the long walk to y/n's unscathed.
The more pavement I embark on, the more worried I become. I dont even know what about, she was right. Im still me, shes still her. I had to put all of it aside as I found myself going up the cobblestone path to her door, landing 3 solid knocks on the wood and stepping back a bit. I shifted my weight from my heels to my toes and back, hoping she'd open it sooner rather than later. Thank goodness, she finally twisted the knob, stepping out onto the porch first.
"You came." She says, trying not to show much emotion.
"Didnt have much of a choice, did I?"
"You did. Couldve stayed home. Come on, my rooms upstairs."
She opened the door again and led me inside, jogging up to her room after closing the door behind me once Id stepped in. I look around for a while. Its not often we go to hers, and very rarely am I invited in. Its a nice bedroom- large white walls, an open window surrounded by plants, little succulents on the windowsill and larger ones on either side of the frame. Her bed sits off to a corner, made neat and tidy not unlike my own. She peels the backpack off of my body and nudges me towards said bed.
"Strip."
"W-what?"
"Cant fix you through your clothes." Her tone implies the clearity that should resonate with me. Of course she cant reach them through my clothes. Its her knowing gaze, still glued on me once shes retrieved everything from the bag.
"Can- can you turn around, maybe?"
"Its not like it's anything I havent seen before. Come on, just take them off, Lupin."
"Its different. Turn around."
"Fine, fine. Have it your way, you big baby." She gives her famous eye roll and spins to face the other side of the room, throwing her hands in the air.
I cant take my eyes off of her. I pull my sweater over my head, wincing slightly at the gash on my shoulder blade. I imagined her hands, fixing it as she usually does, just more meaning this time around. I start to unbutton my trousers, a startling new shyness about it. Intense worry grows as I pull down the zipper. Awkwardness and fear pang through me as I slide them off my legs, leaving me just in my boxer briefs. I felt incredibly bare and vulnerable, especially with her right in front of me. So perfect, and shed have to look at me, so broken. So unperfect. Shed see it all. Shes already seen it all. I forget that part. It's different this time.
"You almost done back there, Lupin? How many layers did you wear?"
"Yeah." I laugh a bit, easing into our usual setting. "All done."
She turns back around and I see her breath hitch. Mine does the same, her locking eyes with me, then flickering to my chest, maybe stopping at my lips first. I must be imagining that part, though. Nonetheless, she kneels in front of me, settling between my legs. A surge of...something, im not really sure to be honest...rings through my body as she puts a hand on my thigh, steadying herself.
"Something wrong?"
"No. Nope." I lie straight to her face. Of course there's something wrong. Im nervous, Im insecure, Im dying for you, y/n. I cant just out and say that though. I can mask it with a joke, perhaps. "Just enjoying the view."
"Very funny, Remus."
She pours some of an elixir into her fingers, massaging them on each cut on my legs. This is no small task, especially when someone as thorough as y/n makes sure to cover every last one, even past healed ones. She takes her time, leaving me in agony. I cant watch her do it. Its bad enough that with every touch I want to rip her off the floor and just tell her how much I love her. Tell her that she was wrong, tell her she means more to me than Id let on. I was consumed in my own thoughts and was feeling the touch of her fingers fade, finally. I thought it was just my brain pushing it out, but I felt the back of her hand pressed up against my forehead and snapped back.
"Are you okay? Thought I lost you there."
"Sorry. What did you say?"
"I said lay down, I can reach your chest better that way."
I follow her directions, trying to get my brain to continue its task of being anywhere but here, thinking of anything but the fact that shes straddling my hips, landing just at my bellybutton. Taking notice of anything but her cool fingers dragging across my rib cage, smoothing and soothing the deep burgundy of new sores. Im fairly certain my breath hitches, or my heart skips a beat, or both. She lays her palm over the muscle, pulling my eyes back to her. Theres no way around it now, shes all I can think about.
"Are you alright, Remus? Lose a lot of blood or something?" I shake my head no, waving off her concerns and again, trying not to think about it. She asks me to lay on my stomach next, having to nudge my sides some to get me to do it, giving her access to my back. I try to remind myself its nothing she hadnt done before, but godric, did it feel so much more taxing this time.
I turn back over, sitting up straight next to y/n. I quickly pull my trousers back on, refusing to look at her any longer than I have to. Im consumed by nerves, and thoughts, and hopes and fears and everything of the sort. This is how she makes me feel I thought, always having wondered exactly what that would be if the comfortable pillowy feeling of a high werent in the way. I hated this feeling. This was exactly the point of being high, avoiding all of these emotions. Avoiding everything.
I cant stall much longer, my trousers are up and its just us two, alone in our silence. I can hear every gulp, every breath, every heartbeat. I turn to look at her, shes already had me in her stare. Something comes over me, I push through the nerves and lean closer to her, watching as she falls back on the bed, myself hovering above. Something is different about this time.
"Dont do it." She says with an extremely soft voice. "You dont mean it."
"Dont mean what?"
"Youre just going to kiss me because its what we usually do. Dont do it if you dont really mean anything by it, Remus. I cant keep letting myself think I might actually mean something to you beyond someone to snog after midnight."
I grab her face in one hand, my palm lay flat against her cheek as my fingers drummed gently behind her ear. She closes her eyes as they start to gloss over, trying to hide the tears. Theyre because of me. I cant believe they're because of me, and the thing I shouldve done months ago when I first knew. Extremely sluggishly, I lean my head down closer to hers, kicking my anxiety about this kind of thing back, feeling her warm breath and struggle to keep back sobs. I just barely put my lips on hers, delicate and stagnant, not rushing her. I feel her gasp against them and pull back away.
"Y/n....I mean it. I've meant it for a while now. Im sorry."
My whisper practically echoes through the room with how quiet she is. Her silence is speaking louder than I ever could, and I start to pull my hand from her. Y/n's fingers wrap around my wrist before I get the chance. Her back arches as she halfway sits up, meeting me in the middle and locking us back together. Im quick to give into her touch, the familiar synchronized movements, the comfortable taste of her chapstick and gum, everything. One of her hands tangles into my hair at the base of my neck, bringing me in closer, teasing just as we part.
"Why'd you only ever phone me when youre high? Do you know how long Ive waited for this?"
"Weve already talked about this." I whisper again, feeling terrible. She must sense it, right?
"Yeah, just felt like twisting the knife a little." She laughs, so infectious even without drugs. She's beautiful, everything about her.
"Youre a cruel woman, you know that?"
"Youre the one leading me on for months."
"I dont think that really counts as-"
"Shut up and kiss me again, would you?"