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Alright guys! We’ll be back in jiffy, just…please behave, okay?
“Of course, my beloved Nami Tsunami, I await your arrival-“
“Kay, see you guys later!”
The hatch slammed shut before Sanji could finish his verbal tidal wave of affection for Nami and heaved a deep sigh of contentment. Just from the way she slammed the door was so damn sexy, and he sincerely couldn’t wait for her to come back. Sanji was pained thinking about how much he already missed her in her absence, but readily shook the thought free as he shifted his attention back to his mixing bowl.
The crew had run into the Heart Pirates again, or more specifically, just Law, while sailing down the way of the New World. Although it’s not very surprising seeing Law by himself, it was at least refreshing to see a familiar face under not-so-dire circumstances. Well, not-so-much to Sanji seeing as how Law lacked the proper genetic makeup of being female for him to care, but for everyone else, certainly.
Luffy decided it would be best if they stopped at the next island they encountered for a pit stop, and as luck would have it, it seemed to be somewhat of a commercialized island where plenty of shopping, dining, and entertainment could be done for all.
Sanji would join them on the next outing, but first, he wanted to finish his surprise for Nami - a decadent, super rich orange cream cake; blanketed with the cloudiest of whipped topping texture while the silky ice cream layers of orange and cream laid the foundation for the spongy orange cake itself, and
the perfect chance of orange zest garnishing the likes of her tongue. It wasn’t her birthday or anything, but he wanted to treat her to something super nice than the usual extra nice that he loved to spoil her with.
It was about mid-morning, so Sanji still had more than enough time before Nami’s return to finish baking. On an average shopping spree, it took about, what, at least two hours minimum? Well, depending if they ran into any trouble like the Navy. Or if she overspent her share. If that was the case, she would be back within the hour to find any ‘spare’ berries lying around, and it would be all the more romantic for it to be just the two of them!
Reinvigorated by the mere thought of Nami, Sanji refocused on the task at hand, but not before whisking away a little slower once he replayed her melodious adieu. It was no secret that Sanji could have ‘behavioral’ issues when it came to being left on the ship alone – whether he was found alone or with women – that wasn’t the part that snared his attention.
“Wait a minute, did she say…you guys?” Sanji’s whisking slowed to halt as the realization started to settle.
The last hour’s cigarette that dangled from the corner of his mouth finally burned down to an unusable stump, marking a new hour and a new cigarette. Assuming maybe he just heard Nami wrong, Sanji plucked the charred cotton stump from his mouth and flicked it over into a bin across the way of the room. As he readied a new cigarette for lighting, Sanji glanced over to the ladder that exited to the deck above.
As if on cue, a puddle of shadow manifested where the ladder was situated, hinting that there was a guest popping in to eat since the hatch was open.
“Nami-swan?” Sanji curiously asked, not expecting her to be back so soon. Even if it was just the two of them, he didn’t want to surprise her since she was obviously being sneaky about her return.
His eyes scoured the mess of measurement cups and dishes he had accumulated while preparing for her surprise, and even though he was always whipping up something to eat for the ladies, it wasn’t often that he was able to serve something like today’s treat, and so the panic started to settle in.
“I didn’t expect you back so soon, my love~! Let me fix you a drink from all the walking you’ve been doing in my mind all day,” Sanji spun on his heels to make a bee line to the fridge, concealing certain orange concoctions along the way. He barely caught a glimpse of the figure descending the ladder as his back was now facing them, but saw enough to know what the color clothes were being worn.
“I must confess, that even though you’re wearing a lot of clothes, you wear black very well. ‘Still accentuates your figure very nicely,” Sanji relished as he fetched some ice and made quick work of an orange that he was already using for his recipe to flavor the drink. He didn’t have to actually see her to know she was stunning.
While he was assembling the drink, however, an awkward pall saturated the atmosphere; usually there was a quick favor to be asked or a brief acknowledgement of his compliment, but instead..
“Are you all this weird?”
Sanji’s attention snapped him around to face what he expected to be the angelic, sweet face of Nami, but instead he met the shadowy and unamused countenance of his associate.
“What the hell-” Immediately disappointed of the male company, Sanji’s shoulders sunk along with the sudden anxiety of having his edible surprise ruined - he couldn’t really decide whether or not he was upset of it not being Nami, but settled on the latter.
“So that’s what she meant…” Her parting words made sense now.
“I guess I missed breakfast.”
“Yeah yeah, sure did. Why aren’t you with the others? Didn’t everyone leave already?” Sanji shot Law a glare of annoyance but resumed his baking as he pulled out his mixing pot while cleaning off a spot on the counter, setting the drink aside until Nami’s return.
Law didn’t waver in his glowering gaze either as he didn’t really appreciate being dismissed so gruffly – especially after the initial greeting and being a tad bit hungry. The Strawhats were an amiable and interesting crew, but what they lacked in restraint they made up for in vigor. And not one knew how to be a normal person as far as craziness is concerned. And when there’s a lot of craziness, headaches ensues.
“Do you have any caffeine?” Law approached the counter where Sanji had placed the fruity drink, not caring at all if it was really for him or not. Anything that he could put into his stomach would help at this point.
“Oi, that’s Nami’s when she gets back, hands off.” Sanji swatted away the tattooed fingers motioning toward the glass, ramping up the annoyance the two shared and the frustration of their personal problems.
“Such hospitality.” Law clenched his fingers into a tight fist – not to throw a punch, but to help control his building temper. Hunger, headaches, and horndog cooks align for an unhappy camper. “Anything at all for headaches? Or to eat in general?”
“Sure, up your ass and to the left. I’m kinda busy at the moment, the next meal will be inna couple of hours.” Sanji answered while jumping from one task to another, cracking eggs and measuring off dry ingredients without missing a beat. Without taking his eyes off his measuring cup, Sanji wagged his hand over into the direction of the pantry. “You say headache? I think we have some bread or something over there. That should help.”
Already hanging onto the last nerve, Law could feel the twang of it getting plucked with the mere mention of bread. Not only because he was offered some dry, inedible cardboard to consume unreasonably as food, but also because the doctor in him would not believe it was being prescribed as a headache relief.
The nerve..
the last nerve..
had been severed.
Law’s dark, penetrating eyes beat Sanji down. Sanji’s undivided attention was finally split when the immense discomfort of being glared at unawares caught him.
“What’s your problem?”
Law raised his hand in front of him as if he was holding a wine glass between his inner fingers.
“Hey, get it yourself. I said the bread is over there-“
“Shambles.”
Sanji abruptly cut himself off midsentence as he lost his train of thought. His wide-eyed stare was all that was needed for Law to sneer with approval as he lowered his hand.
The two stared at each other for an uncomfortable minute until Sanji finally broke the silence.
“You’re still here? Wait..why am I here?” Sanji’s confusion soon shifted to revulsion as his wide eyes glowered under furled brows over his body. “The fuck..”
THUNKBUMBUM
A large thud could be heard above deck, as if something rolled down from a height.
“WAAAAAIT! DON’T TOUCH A DAMN THING!” An ungraceful fall from above deck announced Zoro’s entrance into the kitchen as the bulky body raced over to the counter to salvage what was guaranteed to be a disaster.
“Who are you yelling at, idiot?!”
“You, you dumbass! What other dumbass is there around here!?”
As soon as it left Sanji’s mouth, he and Zoro both darted their focus onto Law, finally finding common ground for once in their exchange.
Law raised his hand in feigned defense, offering a smirk instead of a fiery retort to stoke in the heated argument. Sanji and Zoro both ducked instinctively – not risking the chance of Law doing any more damage with his fingers.
“Hey you put those things down! You’ve done enough with your switcheroo finger magic!” Sanji pointed while taking cover from the floor in his new brawny body.
“What do you mean, ‘put them down’?! He needs them up so he can switch us back, moron!” Zoro charged, pointing a confection coated whisk toward Sanji as if it was his sword. “And get off the ground like that – you forget you’re in my body. At least you remember where you belong.”
“The fuck you say, cactus ass?!”
“I’m blond, you idiot!”
“No, I’M blond but in this shit excuse of a body!”
“Whatever. At least I wash my ass.”
“Wha..how would you know his ass is..??!”
“SHUT IT, TRAFALGAR.”
Sanji and Zoro snapped in unison as they both had no patience for any remarks from the true offender at hand. In the brief moment of silence, however, distant voices started to permeate the kitchen as a bunch of shouting and yelling drew closer. The three exchanged multiple glances before the panic set the two Strawhats in motion.
“I can’t be seen like that, FOOL GET OFF OF THE FLOOR!”
“AND I CAN’T HAVE NAMI’S CAKE RUINED BY YOUR GOBLIN HANDS!”
The two steeled their glares towards one another, until they realized once again who the real culprit was, refocusing their malice back to Law.
“SWITCH US BACK!!”
Law shrugged his shoulders, folding his arms in front as he leaned against the pantry. “I’ve exhausted my stamina, seeing as how I didn’t have much to begin with. Hence why I need food.” Another smirk crept across his lips. “I hope Zoro can cook. I am famished.”
“Ahh shit. Damn it all to hell..” Sanji held his head in his palms, reeling from the fact that Nami’s cake rested in Zoro’s hands and it was definitely going be ruined – as far as how devastatingly terrible it would be depended on how much direction could be processed through his dense skull. “I’m gonna make sure he food poisons you, asshole.”
“Well, if I get sick, you’ll be stuck like that, wont you?” Law decided to take a seat at the table to fully enjoy the spectacle about to unfold.
Clawing the floor as he pushed himself up, Sanji rose to his feet grinding his teeth – ignoring the fact that his new vessel lacked a cigarette in his mouth to grit. “Whaddya want to eat, shitstreak?”
Sanji snatched the skillet that was hanging above the counter and readied it above the front heating element on the stove, warming it up before he started cooking. As he did so, however, the hanging hook on which it was stored flew across the room from the immense strength of his pull. He eyeballed his hands in rising frustration.
“How the hell can I cook with hands of an ogre?!” As he tried to concentrate on not being so brutish with his grip, the measuring cup that contained eggs from the counter seemingly shattered on contact after he made an attempt to pick it up.
Despite the glass flying all over the kitchen, the eggs remained in the same spot – almost levitating from how fast the glass shattered - and since they didn’t have the same consistency as the glass to explode all over, they began to dribble from the counter onto the floor.
“The hell you do that for?!” Zoro snapped, trying to rescue the runny yellow yolks assembling onto the kitchen tile. “I know you don’t know what it means to be strong, but get a grip!”
“I KNOW YOU ARENT DOING WHAT I THINK YOURE DOING! JUST GET SOME FRESH EGGS!” Sanji smacked the gelatinous egg yolk from Zoro’s hand, causing yellow yolk blobs to soar directly into his face, cloaking it in slimy egg goop.
“YOU IDIOT! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE WITH EGG ON MY FACE?!”
A stifled snicker could be heard from the table followed by a clearing of throat when glares were thrown that way.
“Here, just cook, you damn cook!” Zoro flung whatever egg goop that didn’t stubbornly cling to his face onto Sanji, but because he was mainly blinded by the eggy mess, was able to actually land it into pan, confirmed with a sizzle from the now ready pan on the stove.
“You are not going to make my hands do such abominable things, you jackass! Whose gonna eat those eggs?! They’ve been all over the floor!”
“Hmph. You’re right.” Zoro’s frown turned upside down into a cruel smirk as he unflinchingly stuck his hand into the skillet, grabbing the oozy puddle of what could technically be called poached eggs and slurping it into his mouth.
“DON’T PUT THAT SHIT INTO MY MOUTH, EITHER!” Sanji charged, holding Zoro’s jaw - trying his best to get the undercooked egg out of his mouth, much like a cat being reprimanded after eating something it should not have.
“All right. This is getting weird. This is my sign to go.” Law decided, standing up from his seat.
“HEY! Ware uyuu dink yoar goin?! Not befoar yuu gib me mai bwody back!” Zoro eyed from his hold, only able to speak after gurgling down the poached eggs.
“YOU’RE SO SICK! I BETTER NOT GET SICK- YOU’RE SO LUCKY I CAN’T FIGHT YOU!” Sanji released Zoro’s jaw after the final glug of egg being consumed. He was not happy about the runny eggs being ingested into his body, nor could he really do much in protest since he did not want Zoro to use his hands in violence, much less to cook something improper to eat.
“AND YOU! You’re not going anywhere!” Sanji wanted to make sure he channeled his anger at Zoro and Law, neither one escaping the madness they put him through. “You wanted something to eat, here you go!”
Sanji scooped up the bowl of dry ingredients he had in preparation for Nami’s cake and whaled it at Law with blinding speed – too fast for him to ever see it coming. A citrus cloud of flour and baking powder cloaked the kitchen, making it almost impossible to see anything within mere feet of the body. Confirming the near zero-visibility, stumbling could be heard as Law tried to approach the two in retaliation, tripping over a chair mid-pursuit after slipping in some of the settled powder.
“You idiot, now this shit is going to stick to me!” Zoro snapped, upset how the eggs were doing too well of a job of adhering the powder to his skin and clothes.
“Oh yeah? Well I don’t think you had enough, you’re almost as bad as Luffy when it comes to eatin’ my kitchen bare!” Sanji swiped the next bowl of dry ingredients and dumped it onto his current vessel – the confectioner’s sugar dusting the mossy hair white. “Maybe you’ll finally take a shower, stupid idiot!”
“So you wanna play that game,” Zoro was not amused, but decided that he could be as equally petty. Dropping down onto the floor with his legs and arms splayed out, Zoro began to make a flour-sugar angel on the floor with more and more of the settling baking dust emphasizing just how much was thrown.
“You idiots always rope me into your shenanigans!” Law countered as he finally made it onto his feet. He made as quick of a dash as the powdered floor would allow toward the orange blend that Sanji initially had whisking, very aromatic with orange zest. Law picked up the bowl, but instead of throwing it immediately at the would-be Zoro, the growling of his stomach made him hesitate on a moment’s notice. Before he wasted this perfectly good topping, he had to eat something before his body gave out on him – combating the hunger, headaches, and utmost stupidity of the two Strawhat Pirates.
He initially dabbed the topping finger first, but as soon as he realized just how delectable it was, bottoms up went the bowl to his face.
“Where is everybody? Sanji? Zoro?” the cheerful voice of Chopper reverberated down into the kitchen as the hatch opened above. “Law, are you still here? I got you something for your tummy and head…ache..”
Everyone stood petrified in place.
The bowl of sugar that Sanji had dumped onto his head was still hovering above, with wisps of the remaining confectioner’s sugar dissipating into the air. Zoro had lifted his head to peak over his chest mid-spread of his powder angel, while Law practically wore the bowl that contained the whipped topping. And at this point, it was probably best since there was no way he could show his face during this beyond embarrassing moment.
Chopper decided it was best not to ask what just transpired during the crew’s absence. Before he marked his departure, he revealed a small brown bag that had a pair of golden arches printed on its front.
“I got you some McDonald’s.”