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Among the videos Elijah manages to dig up is one that feels so much more voyeuristic than the last few Gaon watched. Some are old, old enough that the Yohan that appears a few times can’t be more than fifteen, sixteen. Those are ones that Gaon doesn’t feel bad watching, eagerly swallowing any form of Yohan that’s different from the one he knows.
(Yohan told him he’d never understand him. But Gaon would be damned if he didn’t at least try to understand him. He' had never been one to bend over or be pushed in directions. And, if he’s honest, it sounded like a challenge.
Everything sounded like a challenge from Yohan.)
Yohan as a teenager is as Gaon expects. Brooding, quiet, but not so reserved. He laughs when Isaac prompts him with jokes and a closeness that Gaon, in some ways, envies. He reads books that Isaac steals out from his grasp and laughs as he raises over his head, that Yohan can’t quite reach even when he jumps and whines. “ Hyung ,” fifteen-year-old Yohan whines and tries to jump for the book again and even their laughs sound the same , Gaon’s and Isaac’s. The resemblance is, at times, uncanny, even Gaon can’t deny it.
Gaon takes out the tape and slips in the next one and he can tell immediately that it’s different. The Yohan that appears is older, his hair messy, in his eyes, and he’s dressed comfortably, seated on the floor of the study. A baby is barely visible on the screen.
“Elijah, Elijah, where’s samchon?” a voice prompts on the video. Gaon recognizes it as Isaac’s.
Elijah, not even one, turns and points towards Yohan. Yohan’s face breaks into a smile, wide and genuine, and he laughs, tapping the floor in front of him. “Elijah, come here ,” Yohan says. Elijah turns fully, away from the couch she’s been holding onto and takes a few shaky steps. Yohan’s grin pauses, trembles. " Elijah?”
“You’re kidding me,” Isaac mutters. He leans forwards, capturing the moments when Elijah almost falls. She catches herself and takes another few shaky steps. “Her first steps and she’s walking towards you?”
“I told you, she likes me best,” Yohan says, sweeping Elijah into his arms when she’s close enough. He spins her in a small circle when she gets to him and she squeals and laughs and Yohan’s smile is wide, nothing short of affectionate, warm. “My Elijah, hm? You like samchon better than appa, right? Tell appa!”
“Appa!” Elijah echoes. Her head turns and she finds Isaac and beams at him. “Appa! Samchon!”
“Yeah, Elijah, that’s samchon,” Isaac says. His voice is soft, wistful. “Elijah, tell samchon you love him.”
“Samchon,” Elijah says and looks back at Yohan. Yohan smiles softly, his eyes crinkling with genuine warmth, happiness. He tucks a stray hair back from her face and drops a kiss to her forehead.
“My Elijah.”
Gaon swallows heavily. He switches to the next tape. Elijah is a little older in it, but it’s still obviously Yohan and Elijah in the video. Isaac holds the camera, filming them again.
“Elijah!” Yohan says. The girl that runs into his arms is three, maybe four. Yohan picks her up, grunting with fake effort that draws laughter from the girl, and he spins her in a small circle. “Did you miss me?”
“You were gone so long,” Elijah replies earnestly. Yohan tweaks her nose and tugs on her hair, in two braids, dropping another kiss to her forehead.
“You’re a pretty sight for sore eyes, Elijah,” Yohan says. It seems to be only then that he catches sight of Isaac filming and he chokes out a laugh. “Hyung, what are you doing?”
“Jisookie kicked me out of the kitchen,” Isaac replies, the shrug audible in his voice. “And you were going to be home soon, anyways.”
“So you turned on a camera to film me when I got home?” Yohan asks. His smile is frozen, closer to familiar than not, not quite fake but uncertain.
“Stop treating me like I’m a witness on the stand,” Isaac says, complaining, and Yohan snorts. Isaac laughs. "Elijah, tell your samchon he’s being silly.”
“You’re being silly,” Elijah says immediately, obediently, and then squeals when Yohan tweaks her nose again. “Don’t do that!”
“Sorry, princess,” Yohan says, entirely unapologetic. He sets her down and there’s a moment of peace, silence, stillness, before he suddenly rushes for the camera and Isaac laughs and struggles with him . The video ends and Gaon stares at the screen in silence.
“He used to smile,” Elijah’s voice surprises him, from the door. “I don’t remember much from before, but I remember he used to smile. He stopped after the fire. Not unless he needs to now.”
“To play his part,” Gaon murmurs. Elijah hums and stops next to him. She lowers herself down to the ground next to him and leans against him. Gaon glances at her. “Do you miss it? Him like this?”
“No,” Elijah says after a moment of thought. “He’s more honest like this. Yohan is better at playing pretend out there, so he doesn’t bother here.”
“A small mercy,” Gaon mutters. He barely flinches when Elijah hits his arm. “Does he know these still exist?”
“Do you think he’d leave them somewhere I could get them if he knew they existed?” Elijah retorts and Gaon has to shrug and give her a small half-smile. She just stares at him in return. Gaon turns back to the tapes and puts the next one in.
“Samchon!” Six year-old Elijah runs to the door and tackles Yohan entering the front door. Yohan grunts and falls back against it, clearly only barely playing with her. He grimaces in actual pain when his back and shoulder hit the door. He’s dressed down, in simple black jeans and a black zip-up hoodie covering a t-shirt. His knuckles are scraped up.
“Elijah, go find appa,” Yohan says and, as if guessing she might sense something is wrong, tucks her hair behind her ears sweetly. The camera jars suddenly.
“What’s wrong?” Isaac asks, stepping into frame. Yohan’s jaw tightens and relaxes a few times and he swallows heavily. He just lifts his hand for Isaac to see. “ Jesus , Yohan-ah, what the hell did you do?”
“Got into a fight,” Yohan mumbles. He doesn’t quite meet Isaac’s eyes, even as Isaac fishes out a first aid kit and starts to clean the cuts on his knuckles.
“Samchon’s hurt?” Elijah asks, eyes wide.
“Only a little,” Yohan promises. When he looks at her, his expression softens, sweetens, and the curl of his lips is a genuine one, almost a smile. “It’s okay.”
“He said he got mugged when eomma asked,” Elijah says softly. “He lied right to her face. Appa was upset with him for it, for lying so openly, but he just kept saying it was better than telling the truth. Ah, that Yohan.”
“I’m sure he had his reasons, Elijah.”
“He always has his reasons,” she says. A pang tightens in Gaon’s chest, somewhere between wanting to defend Yohan and wanting to dig deeper.
Instead, he just lets it go.