Work Text:
"I feel I must be brash and tell you exactly how I feel." I look at her face, all determined as she looks at me.
"When have you been any other way?"
"I like you Quinn, and I do mean this in a romantic sense. I would be remiss to act as though I do not feel this way without telling you." She looks down at her feet, wringing her hands together in nervousness. "This may affect our friendship, but I believe you feel something for me as well. Or have I read the signs wrong? I'm not very good at body language." She looks back up at me, genuinely concerned that she's messed everything up. "I know it's something I need to work on, but it's just not a skill I have."
"We're both going off to college , Rachel." I avoid admitting my own feelings directly for now. "We'll be in separate schools, separate states."
"But why should that matter?"
"It would matter if it was Finn or anyone else." Her eyes shift away, she looks hurt and I'm not sure I should have said that.
"You aren't them. You aren't anyone else." She quietly confesses, eyes shifting back to mine as she takes a small step forward. The door opens as a girl walks in, hurrying to a stall. I'm suddenly reminded we're in the bathroom in the middle of our lunch hour. We stand quietly in an awkward shifting silence as we wait for the student to finish and leave.
"Why now Rachel?" I don't even know why I'm pushing against this. We're leaving and I won't have the oppressive family name hanging over my head once I leave this state. I'll be free for once.
"What if this is the only chance?" She takes another step closer, becoming a little more confident. "In movies people meet and they always get a second chance to live happily ever after. But you almost died, what if this is our second chance Quinn? What if this is that moment where everything can either go right or wrong?"
"So you're basing this off of movies?" I watch as she becomes frustrated, withdrawing away from me. There is so much truth to what she's saying, but to deny myself is ingrained.
"Quinn I……" She stutters, unable to find the words for once.
"If you haven't noticed, I don't have the greatest track record with relationships. I'm not even sure I know how to be in one."
"I haven't had the healthiest relationships either Quinn. We're in high school. There's a reason we're not allowed to vote yet." I can't help but laugh.
"What makes you think we can do this, what makes you so confident?" She starts moving forward again, though careful not to invade my space.
"I'm not one to give up."
"But I am." I confess. I realize, it's more about hurting her than it is about hurting myself.
"We can go slow and just see what happens, I just can't walk away from you without knowing." There's a tinge of desperation in her voice, like she's pleading for me to save her life. The thing is, I've already bought Metro passes, there is already a part of me that really wants this. I pull them out of my purse, holding them out so she can see them. I stair down at the passes that can mean as much or as little as we want them to.
"I bought these the other day." I explain, somehow unable to take my eyes off them. "You know things between us have never exactly been easy or clear, but slowly we've become friends. And you're right about one thing I think." I take a deep breath. "After the accident things changed for me." My body trembles a little, the memories still haunt me at night. Rachel wants to reach out, her hand half way across the gap between us. "But I'm also afraid, Rachel. It's still so hard for me to express myself sometimes and I'm just the complete opposite of you."
"What if we make a deal?" She asks, her voice is too hopeful for me to deny whatever she's about to say.
"What kind of deal?"
"You promise not to give up on yourself, and I promise I won't either." Rachel holds her hand out to shake on the deal.
"It's that easy?"
"I'm not saying that at all. Frankly, I think you need therapy, it's the only way I've survived thus far. I'm not so naive as to think everything will be a fairytale Quinn. It'll will probably be hard, but I'm not adverse to such things as I have had to work hard for everything. You have come through so much, don't doubt that you can handle it either." Rachel is one of the most confident people I know and I've always envied that.
"Ok." I grasp her hand, soft and warm and firm. "But we have have to start over, from the beginning. Not ignore the past but….we need something fresh." I wonder of she understands as she looks up at me moment, as if analyzing my words.
"Hi, my name is Rachel." She says after a minute or two.
"Hi Rachel, I'm Quinn."
"Do you always meet girls in the bathroom?" She grins. I can't believe she just flirted with me.
"I..umm..no." God I'm an idiot. Rachel laughs.
"Can I have one of those?" Her head nods to the passes in my hand.
"Oh yeah." Quickly, and trying not to look stupid, I hand her one of the metro passes.
"I promise to use this Quinn."
"I'll hold you to that."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"I miss you." Her voice is quiet and muffled over the phone.
"Where are you?"
"Under my blankets, I'm cold. That's not the point Quinn. I miss you."
"...................I miss you too."
"Why is that so hard for you to say?"
"Because……..saying it outloud makes it real. When it's real it hurts more." Why does my chest hurt when she's not around? "Sometimes I'm not sure I can do this, you've already become so much. It's only been a month Rachel." The pain bleeds out into my voice, I just can't stop it.
"We've been taking it slow. I've been going as slow as you've asked."
"Are you always afraid that I'm going to give up?" There's silence for a while on the other end.
"It's my worst fear." She confesses in such a tiny voice I nearly don't believe it's her. I'm sorry for this unintended pain I'm causing, but she said she was strong enough.
"I'm not sure we should do it like this anymore."
"What?" The devastation in her voice nearly knocks me off my feet.
"No, God….no I didn't mean it like that." Raking my fingers through my hair I try to take a deep breath. "I want more, I want it all. I can't stand this feeling and when I see you all we do is hug. I just…….I've never missed anyone like I miss you. I've never felt the way I feel when I see you. It's so overwhelming sometimes, I feel like I'm drowning."
"Is it too much?"
"It is and it isn't." I'm not explaining myself very well and I know it.
"So what exactly are you saying Quinn?"
"Open your door."
"What?" I can hear rustling as she must be moving out from under her blankets.
"I swear Quinn, if this is a…." The door swings open, brown eyes meet green. "You're here." She states rather obviously.
"I'm here." Rachel just stares at me. "Are you going to let me in?"
"That depends." She looks prepared for the worst.
"On what?"
"Are you here to dump me?"
"We're not officially dating."
"You know what I mean Quinn."
"No……..I wasn't really sure at first. I just got on the train and got here without thinking. Well, I was thinking I needed to see you." There are so many emotions fluctuating across her face right now. She doesn't move, doesn't speak. I need to be brave, I know I can be when I really want to. My hand slips behind her neck and I pull her in close, so close our noses nearly touch. Her fingers crawl along my waist, lightly grasping at my hips. Still she is not speaking, letting me have free reign of this moment.
My nose drifts across the smooth, soft skin of her cheek as I just breathe her in for a moment. I feel intoxicated with the smell, the feel, the very sight of her.
"Quinn." Rachel says my name pleadingly.
"I want all of it, Rach. Everything, good and bad." My lips are against her ear and I can feel her shiver with every word I speak.
"I'll give you anything you want." I drag my forehead across her cheek before I rest it against hers. Eye to eye I'm able to show the truth of my souls desire.
"I just want this, you, us. For real, forever maybe, I don't know yet."
"Then that is what you'll have." Our lips graze ever so softly. It's nothing like anything I've felt before. Every other kiss has been rough, demanding, completely and utterly selfish on the other person's fault. This though, is a sweet little taste of bliss. We pull away from this chaste kiss, both smiling like idiots. "Come on, let's go cuddle, it's cold."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Quinn, you can't possibly be serious?" She's crying so hard. "Seriously, two years. Two years and this? This?!"
"Rachel, how can we possibly keep doing this? I'm going to England for a year, it's not like we can just ride a train to see each other?"
"You just want to see other people, is that it?"
"No, I just don't want us to end up hating each other Rachel. What happens if you meet someone? I don't want to hold you back."
"That is such bullshit." She yells, and honestly I've never heard her cuss before. "You're afraid of meeting someone, you're afraid of cheating. You're the one who thinks you'll stop loving me."
"No, it's not…."
"No!" Rachel is grabbing her bag, walking towards the door of the apartment. "Have fun. I hope you're happy, honestly, that's all I want for you." She leaves and I don't stop her. I'm leaving tomorrow to spend a year at Oxford. Honestly, Rachel was the one who told me to do it, believing in me more than I ever could, telling me the experience would be good. She's right though I guess. I'm more afraid of myself, that I'll be the one cheating.
Weeks go by with complete and utter silence between us. I don't really want to move on. The day that really changes things for me though is the first time another female comes up to me. I was sitting in a Cafe, drinking tea and contemplating a full English, when she sits down across from me. This girl is gorgeous, tall and lean, super model looks. I can't say I feel a thing as she smiles and begins to flirt. And I think, well maybe I'm just not that into women. But later that night I go out to the student pub and get hit on by a rugby player, who amazingly has all his teeth, but I still couldn't care less.
Now I find myself in my room, staring at my phone and trying to calculate the time difference between here and New York. Will she even answer me if I call? What is she doing? God do I miss her. After figuring out how to call, I listen for the ring, my stomach practically in my throat.
"Hello?"
"Rachel." I can't seem to speak anymore than that, the relief of just hearing her voice is so overwhelming that I'm starting to cry.
"Quinn? Is…...is that really you?"
"I miss you, I miss you so much." I can't contain the emotions, they just spill out of my every pore.
"Quinn…" There's relief in her voice. "Why are you calling, I haven't heard from you…" Her voice hitches. "It's been awhile."
"I'm stupid and I'm a coward and I love you." This is the first time I'm saying these words, but I mean them with every fiber of my being.
"You love me?" Rachel sounds so shocked by this, like it can't possibly be true.
"Yes."
"And what exactly do you want Quinn?" Her voice is becoming more sure, ready to face any answer that comes her way.
"I want everything back."
"Why now Quinn, what happened?" I know she thinks a person happened.
"I realized that there is no one else, there can never be, there never was. It's always been you. I just want you."
"What if things have changed, what if I'm different?"
"Don't say that." I'm barely holding back a sob.
"You expected me to just wait around while you what, tested the waters?" Her anger radiates through the phone.
"It wasn't like that."
"What was it like then? You broke up with me the night before you left with a lame excuse. You ignore me for weeks. But I'm supposed to wait while you figure out if you really want to be with me or not?"
"I know you love me."
"Of course you know, I told you all the time…………...It hurt Quinn." She nearly whispers the last part.
"I want to come see you." I hold my breath, waiting for her response.
"No." I swallow hard, unable to take the rejection. "I've already got money saved, I'm flying over on Christmas break." I'm so relieved I'm laughing and crying and I don't know what, into the phone. "I can't understand what you're saying." She laughs.
"I said you are so beautiful, I love you so much."
"I love you too Quinn."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I curl against her back, wrapping my arm firmly around her waist. Her warmth seeps into me, filling up all my broken pieces. Sometimes I can't believe we've made it here. To think back on that day in the bathroom when I had a choice to make, this was most definitely the right one.
"Are you ready for tomorrow?" She mumbles half asleep.
"I've been ready since high school."
"You were most definitely not ready in high school." Rachel laughs as she turns in my arms, tucking her head into my neck.
"I guess not, but yes I'm ready."
"Good." She yawns.
"Aren't you glad I got us a hotel for the night?"
"It was quite sensible of you though I think you had other plans in mind." Her lips caress my neck.
"You must think the worst of me Ms. Berry."
"Always Ms. Fabrey." Her hand snakes up under my shirt.
"You are the seducer of the two of us."
"Santana didn't believe me when I told her that." Her tongue slides along the skin of my neck.
"Santana couldn't handle you." We yawn at the same time and devolve into a fit of giggles. "It's been a long day, and tomorrow we'll officially be in our new apartment together."
"Yes and we have so much work to do. How are we going to decorate? And we need more furniture and……." Rachel trails off into silence. I can feel her steady puffs of air against my neck as she breathes in slow and even, her hand stills it's movements.
"Rach."
"Hmmm?" The vibration of her hum tickles my skin.
"Did I ever tell you that giving you that metro pass was the best decision I ever made?"
"No, I had to tell you that."
"Well I'm glad you used them." I kiss the top of her head.
"I'm glad you came to your senses after you broke up with me." She snuggles in closer.
"Well I was young and dumb."
"Very."
"No more long distance. "
"No. "
"Good, because I don't know that I can let you go now."
"Don't even try." She mumbles. I fall asleep content in the fact that the distance between us is finally erased.