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Atsushi is prone to speechlessness around Akutagawa Ryuunosuke. It’s kind of their thing. A little leg removal here, a surprise partnership there, and a sacrifice of unimaginable proportions means that Akutagawa really knows how to steal the words from Atsushi’s throat. Sometimes Atsushi feels like being around Akutagawa is like having a thumb pressed to a raw nerve.

It shouldn’t surprise him then, when he walks into the Detective Agency on his twentieth birthday and Akutagawa is there with Dazai, and when they make eye contact it makes sense.

He sees Akutagawa, and it feels like peace itself has been injected into his veins. His heart rate slows, and if he saw a mirror right now, he knows the purple and gold of his eyes would be a tiny rim around his dilated pupils. Looking at Akutagawa yesterday meant a feeling of quiet unease and an inappropriate sense of safety. Today, all Atsushi wants to do is bury his face in Akutagawa’s neck, just to see what he smells like.

Yosano looks between them and says, “oh no.”

Ranpo snickers out loud, because he’s an asshole. “Happy birthday Atsushi-kun.”

There’s noise around him, but Atsushi doesn’t react, standing there like a stunned mullet while Yosano and Ranpo openly laugh and Dazai and Kunikida fight about whether they should get back to work or whether Dazai is allowed to make more life altering decisions for Atsushi.

Akutagawa doesn’t look at him, but it wouldn’t matter. Of course Akutagawa is his soulmate, his life is a never ending series of cosmic jokes as is. Atsushi doesn’t know how to feel and doesn’t know what to say. His first thought is repulsion, because why wouldn’t it be? It’s hard to forget all the things Akutagawa has done to him, all the worst moments he has drawn out of Atsushi. It’s hard to even begin to consider what this means for both of their lives.

And then he feels disgusted with himself for thinking that way about his soulmate. When he was younger, he used to read book after book about soulmates that romantically portrayed two people escaping into their new lives together. He’s supposed to care for his soulmate above all else, he’s supposed to love and cherish them, but that soulmate is Akutagawa Ryuunosuke apparently, so where this leaves him, Atsushi doesn’t know.

He lets himself be herded around, not really listening when Dazai dances around the room in joy. One might assume that he was the one who just found his soulmate. Atsushi can’t imagine the kind of person Dazai’s soulmate would even be. And it’s funny, apparently, to everyone else until it’s not. Kyouka sits in quiet contemplation, shooting concerned looks over to Atsushi. Akutagawa isn’t even angry, oddly enough, and Atsushi can’t get his brain to communicate with his mouth to express a single statement.

Eventually Kunikida looks at them and finds a rare moment of pity. Fukuzawa sends him home after that, letting Tanizaki escort him and Akutagawa out of the building. Akutagawa takes off without a word, so at least they’re on the same wavelength here, no matter how tumultuous that wave is.

Back in his room he sits while Tanizaki makes awkward conversation at him. He drinks the tea he’s given, and then gives talking a shot.

“Akutagawa is my…”

“Yeah…” Even Tanizaki doesn’t sound too thrilled with the idea. “How do you feel about that?”

“Oh. I don’t really know.” Atsushi looks at the dregs in his cup.

“You don’t have to be with your soulmate, Atsushi-kun. Most people aren’t.” It’s true enough. Finding your soulmate isn’t uncommon, but it’s not like it's guaranteed. And there are enough stories of soulmates deciding to not be in each other's lives, or to live as friends.

“I know. I don’t know what to think.”

Tanizaki just nods. He hasn’t met his soulmate, so Atsushi is probably just making him uncomfortable with his ungratefulness to what is supposed to be a blessing. Or maybe he’s disgusted that Atsushi’s soulmate tried to murder him and his sister.

After Tanizaki leaves and before Atsushi goes to sleep that night, Dazai comes barging into his dorm room.

***

It is customary for parents of a soulmate couple to purchase a house for the newly bonded. Dazai apparently managed to convince Fukuzawa that that’s definitely what needs to happen. Which is how he finds himself three days later standing in an apartment building across town, while Akutagawa stares at him from across the counter. He’s wearing track pants as he scowls at Atsushi holding the last box of his things. There’s that horribly wonderful pull of warmth again, like he’s just had some tea on a freezing cold day. He tamps that feeling down. He has no use for it here.

Akutagawa already owns an apartment, and it’s a good one too. Fukuzawa approves, as it is separate from the Port Mafia’s property. Dazai approves because his human sized dolls are apparently one step closer to mashing their mouths together. Even Mori is okay with this. And Akutagawa’s sister happily moves into another apartment in a building down the road.

He knows what everyone else thinks about this. He doesn’t know what Akutagawa thinks.

Akutagawa turns on his heel, before turning back sharply. “Well?” He snaps. Atsushi jolts. “I’ll show you your room.” His voice drips contempt. Atsushi follows him like he followed the orphanage director when he was being shown his tiny cot, his home until he was eighteen. Now, his home until who knows when.

He can’t help it when he looks at Akutagawa in surprise.

“What?” He snaps again. “Never had your own room before?”

“No.” Atsushi makes out. “Well, unless you count the months before Kyouka-chan moved in but…” He flinches. Another topic between them that should be avoided. “But I thought…”

“Do you think I’m going to bite, weretiger?” Akutagawa scoffs. “Last I checked, it was you who has certain proclivities towards biting.”

“I don’t know! I don’t understand anything that’s happening right now!” Atsushi drops his box. “Four days ago, I was nineteen years old, living happily in the Detective Agency dorms. Now? I don’t know where I stand with my job, I don’t know what's gotten into Dazai-san, and I don’t understand where I stand with you!”

“You will never understand Dazai-san even if you tried for one thousand years.” Akutagawa snarls back.

“That’s the thing you’re focusing on?!” Atsushi yells back. “We’re soulmates. Don’t you think that’s fucked up? I don’t know how to act, Akutagawa!”

“I don’t care, weretiger. Act however you want. This is your room.” He points to an open door. His three meager boxes of belongings are piled up in the centre of the room. He kicks the box he dropped inside the room before following Akutagawa back to the living room.

“Why are you okay with this?” He demands. “Why do this, when we obviously can’t stand to be around each other?” He logically knows Akutagawa is feeling that same pull of warmth he feels. He also knows Akutagawa well enough to assume he’s pushing it down, just like Atsushi.

“Dazai-san will never stop. You wouldn’t understand, weretiger. You never saw him in the Port Mafia. He’s obsessed with soulmates.” Akutagawa’s face twists in pain before returning to neutral. “You will never understand.”

Atsushi is so blinded by fury he surprises himself when he launches a fist at Akutagawa’s perfect face. That’s weird. When did he start thinking of Akutagawa’s face as perfect?

Rashomon catches it while Akutagawa remains unmoving. “No fighting in the apartment. Do you know how many times Gin and I had to have the walls replastered? It’s a pain.”

Atsushi is stunned. He lets his fist drop from Rashomon as she retreats back into Akutagawa’s long sleeve shirt.

He starts laughing. It bubbles up and out of him like a bicarb volcano. “This is so ridiculous.” He laughs more, dropping his hands onto his knees. “We live together.”

Akutagawa shuffles on the spot as if he’s nervous. Atsushi finds it hard to believe Akutagawa would ever be nervous about anything.

“Whatever. I’m going to be in my room. Get settled, or choose not to. I do not care.” And with that Akutagawa walks away.

When Atsushi looks at the floor, he’s surprised to see droplets of water, and realises he’s started crying somewhere along the line.

***

Life is weird at the moment. Atsushi gets up and goes to work, and instead of going to the dorms, he comes to Akutagawa’s apartment, where he now lives. He tries to keep his stuff out of the living room, tries to inconvenience Akutagawa as little as possible. He makes food, which is usually as healthy as he can manage without burning the kitchen down. Kunikida gave him a healthy meals cookbook as a housewarming present, so he’s working his way through that slowly, dividing the recipes so they only yield one serve.

Akutagawa has a vastly different schedule to him. He works pretty much all week. He gets home extremely late most nights, and sleeps in late enough that Atsushi feels like he’s not even there. On weekends, Atsushi watches shows on the big TV in the living room and isn’t even sure Akutagawa’s home until he wanders into the apartment looking like death. He usually heads straight for his room, and presumably sleeps like the dead until it's time for him to go to work again.

It’s not what Atsushi thought soulmate life would be like. He’s still not quite sure how comfortable he is with Dazai having called all the shots since his twentieth, but as long as he doesn’t think about that for too long, he’s mostly fine. He misses Kyouka. He misses the vibe of the dorm, and Yosano bringing him over books she thought he would like, and the Tanizakis coming over to watch movies together.

When he was younger, he thought having a soulmate meant never being lonely again, but he hasn’t been this alone since the orphanage.

He reads about soulmates too. On his phone, because he doesn’t want to accidentally leave a book around and offend Akutagawa or anything. He reads about the stories of successful soulmates and feels so bitterly jealous he cries. And then he reads about soulmate sob stories. He reads about soulmates who meet later in life, about the devastating effects that occur when both partners have established relationships and families.

He tries not to think about the fact that this is his life, forever. When he goes to sleep later, he hears Akutagawa come in early for once. He listens to him pottering around the kitchen, hears the water turn on in Akutagawa’s ensuite bathroom as he showers, and hugs one of his new pillows close.

This is his life now.

***

He comes back from work one night so exhausted he can barely keep his eyes open. He plans to eat, turns the kettle on for his cup noodles before he sits on the couch.

The next thing he knows, he’s waking up disoriented. His unfilled cup noodles sit dry on the coffee table, and the living room lights are all out, light from the streets streaming in from a crack in the curtain. The digital clock on the wall reads 3am. He sits up.

There’s a blanket over him. That’s weird. There’s not usually a blanket even on this couch. It takes his sleep-addled brain a moment.

Akutagawa probably came home, saw him sleeping on the couch, didn’t skewer him, but put a blanket over him instead. Akutagawa. Put a blanket over him. While he slept.

And there's that feeling again. That awful warm feeling of comfort Atsushi’s not really used to. He feels it with the Detective Agency, but it’s different with Akutagawa. He wonders if it's the soulmate connection, and wonders if he has any choice in the way it makes him feel. He supposes it doesn’t really matter either way.

***

Everyone at the Agency has been giving him a wide berth, and Atsushi appreciates it. He feels like a shell of himself at the moment, and patiently waits for the tide to turn and the whole soulmate thing to start bringing him any of the benefits it’s supposed to bring.

He stays late sometimes too. Tonight, Dazai left early and Yosano and Ranpo are drinking in her office, the occasional rambunctious laugh heard through the closed door. Only Atsushi and Kunikida are still working.

Atsushi stretches his arms over his head and lets out a groan.

“Kid, you seem tired. Go home.” Kunikida says.

“Nah. You’d be all by yourself then.” Atsushi cracks his neck bones as Kunikida grimaces at the sound. “Plus, this whole soulmate thing isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.”

Kunikida snorts. “You’re telling me.”

Atsushi’s eyes widen. “Oh? Kunikida-san, do you have a soulmate?” Atsushi hasn’t really stopped to think about it, about whether everyone above twenty at the Agency has found their soulmate.

Kunikida stares at him. And stares. And stares. And then he shakes his head no.

“Oh. Well, what do you think about soulmates then? What do your ideals say?”

Kunikida sucks in a deep breath. “Soulmates are the ultimate completion of the human soul. We are incomplete until we meet our soulmates. However, many have deeply fulfilling lives in the absence of soulmates. Sometimes, the ideal situation when you meet your soulmate is to find a non-romantic way to fit into one another's lives.”

“But what if I don’t want that?” Atsushi whines. He sinks his head into his arms on the desk. “What if I’m trying my best, and he’s not meeting me halfway?” He feels the weight of Kunikida’s hand on his head.

“It’s okay Atsushi-kun. There is always a compromise to be made that can benefit both parties.”

Atsushi sniffles. “You could’ve been a mediation lawyer.”

Kunikida chuckles. “You will get there, Atsushi-kun. There’s nothing in your past performance that indicates you can’t beat Akutagawa.”

He looks up at Kunikida. “I don’t want to- oh. You’re making a joke.”

Kunikida smirks softly. “I’m going to head home. I forgot I have something to finish up at the dorms.” And he's off so suddenly Atsushi thinks maybe he said something.

He opens the door to Yosano’s office to find her and Ranpo scrolling through people's online dating profiles and laughing. Atsushi recounts what happened with Kunikida, and they share a coveted Ranpo-Yosano Look™.

“I guess you wouldn’t really know.” Yosano says. “But yeah, Kunikida had a soulmate. Or has. I don’t really know what you would call them.”

Atsushi waits for her to continue, but she hesitates.

“It’s Dazai.” Ranpo speaks instead. “Kunikida and Dazai were soulmates.”

Atsushi cannot stop himself from audibly gasping. “Kunikida-san and Dazai-san? Are soulmates?!”

“We don’t… really know.” Yosano says. She sounds tired, like she’s recalling dead and buried drama. “Kunikida was not quite twenty when they met. And prior to him turning twenty, all Dazai could talk about was finding a way to sever his soulmate connection. He hadn’t met them yet but it was excessive. He tried everything. Eventually, we met an ability user who could, but Dazai’s No Longer Human cancelled out any attempt at them using the ability.”

“So what happened when Kunikida turned twenty?”

Yosano lets out a sigh. “We were all shocked. Dazai went a bit insane. He wasn’t around for ages, and he was so erratic, even more so than usual. He was doing dangerous shit. Trying to kill himself enough that his soul would leave, shit like that.”

“It never worked.” Ranpo takes over. “Other than ability users, there’s no way to stop the soulmate connection. Dazai and Kunikida were a powerhouse of a team too, and the boss refused to reassign them. He thought it would be good for them to work out their differences like that.”

“He was wrong.” Yosano says. There’s an awkward pause and the pair share a look.

“What happened?” Atsushi asks, but he almost doesn’t want to know.

“Well. Dazai wouldn’t stop. He would barely talk to us outside of work. Cases were being solved in record time, but we all kind of thought Dazai would quit, or actually kill himself.” Yosano says.

“So?”

“So Kunikida found the ability user.”

“Oh. Oh my god. So they’re not soulmates anymore?”

Ranpo shrugs.

“Oh my god. So it’s possible to get rid of the connection?”

“Absolutely not the message to get out of that story. Once the connection is gone, it’s gone forever.” Yosano scowls. “Kunikida is miserable about it.”

“So I keep my soulmate and be miserable or I get rid of the connection and still be miserable. Either way I’m going to be miserable. Why can’t I just do what I want?”

Yosano presses a hand to her forehead. “I don’t know, boy. But it’s only been a month, so you definitely need to give it more time.”

“But why? I feel like I’m dying in that apartment. I don’t get any of this. Dazai-san is obsessed with soulmates, so why did he want to get rid of Kunikida-san? Nothing makes any sense so why do I still have to live with Akutagawa when he obviously hates me.”

Yosano nods in vague understanding. “We can help you move back to the dorms, if that’s what you want.”

“How are you going to convince Dazai-san?” He asks. Yosano openly laughs at him. She asks him again, if it’s what he truly wants. He thinks about how he’s going back to an empty apartment that he doesn’t feel comfortable staying in, to eat cup ramen and go to bed way earlier than he needs to. He thinks even living alone is still much more preferable to whatever this limbo is, sharing this space with a ghost who refuses to interact with him.

“It’s what I want.”

***

Akutagawa drinks. Atsushi doesn’t know why he finds that surprising but he does. There’s a small bar cart in the living room that has bottles of expensive-looking alcohol, and Akutagawa once mumbled that he gets gifted a lot of it from work. Atsushi has noticed he only really touches this one specific bottle of whiskey. On the rare occasion that Akutagawa comes home while Atsushi is still awake and in the living room, Akutagawa will just nod at him solemnly and pour himself a decent amount in a lowball glass.

He never drinks it when Atsushi is in the room. He goes out on the balcony more often than not, sits and looks out over the city, or he goes to his room.

A few weeks after the blanket incident, Atsushi waits in the living room every night for Akutagawa to come home. He’s sick of this, this nothingness that fills his life now. He can only hang out at the Tanizakis' so much, and can only avoid Akutagawa for so long. It makes it easier that Akutagawa is avoiding him too.

Earlier that week, Akutagawa’s sister came by in full Port Mafia get up. She needed to drop off something for Akutagawa, and commented on his increased workload of late. Atsushi now knows that Akutagawa’s work schedule is entirely self-inflicted, his long hours unusual for the Port Mafia higher ups. Akutagawa used to take breaks, but now he doesn't.

It’s Atsushi’s fault.

Regret and shame wash over him as he sits in the apartment's huge shower for over an hour. He’s miserable, but what’s new? It’s worse now that he’s making Akutagawa miserable too, pushing him to work longer hours. It’ll all be okay soon though. Atsushi is going to move back to the dorms and they don’t have to deal with this for much longer.

Akutagawa comes home that night and heads straight for the bar cart. He doesn’t address Atsushi at all, but Atsushi’s in the mood to throw caution to the wind.

“Can I have a glass?” Akutagawa freezes with the bottle hovering midair. He nods, and picks out a second glass for him.

“Neat or on the rocks?” Akutagawa asks.

“Uhhhhh.” Akutagawa snorts a laugh at him. “I’ll just have what you have.”

Akutagawa brings over two glasses. He nods to the balcony door, and Atsushi opens it and they sit outside together for the first time in, well. Ever.

“How was work?” Atsushi asks. He turns the glass in his hand, unsure how much he should drink.

“We don't have to do this.” Akutagawa takes a small sip.

“Do what?”

“Pretend we care about each other's work.”

Atsushi brings the glass to his lips, noticing the way Akutagawa examines his action. He lets the whiskey slide down his throat and starts choking immediately. Akutagawa just laughs.

“Don’t laugh at me.”

“You’re pathetic.” Akutagawa says, but it’s in good humour.

“This is the first time I’ve ever had alcohol.” Akutagawa seems shocked at that. He stands silently, and Atsushi’s eyes follow him, confused until he comes back into view with a bottle of cola. He dumps some of it in Atsushi’s glass.

“It will make it more palatable.” Atsushi takes a sip, and Akutagawa is right. He wonders if he can add cola to Akutagawa to make him more palatable.

They sit in silence, drinking in the warm air on the balcony for what seems like hours. When Atsushi looks up, the bottle of whiskey that was half full is now nearing empty. His head is spinning pleasantly, and part of him wants to try to stand up to see what would happen.

“Are you drunk?” Akutagawa asks quietly. Atsushi can’t stop stealing looks at him, at how nice he looks under the streetlight. His drunken mind wanders, thinking about what it would be like to kiss his alcohol-flushed cheeks, his red lips, his perfectly round nose.

“Noooo.” Atsushi slurs. Akutagawa smiles at him. Not a smirk, but smiles, a real smile, like he’s charmed or something. He’s so cute. Atsushi wants to throw up. “Dazai-san says you’re the type to cry when you’re drunk.” He word-vomits instead.

Akutagawa’s face snaps back to passive and he looks away. “Well. Do I look like I’m crying?”

“No.” Atsushi says. “I kind of want to though. Maybe he got us mixed up.”

Akutagawa looks indescribably sad. “Maybe he did.”

Atsushi’s on a roll now. “Did you ever want Dazai-san to be your soulmate?”

“Did you?” Akutagawa sounds bitter.

“No. Not even once.” Atsushi’s head lolls about. “But I do love him.”

Akutagawa lets the silence sit for a while before he replies. “Yes. I thought Dazai-san would be my soulmate. But when I saw him in the alley, it was just like any other time.”

“Dazai-san met his soulmate then. Apparently. I didn’t know then though. But now I know.” Atsushi rambles.

Akutagawa sits up straighter. “Who? Who is Dazai-san’s soulmate?”

Atsushi shakes his head, feeling absolutely devoid of all bones. “It’s too sad!!” He wails out. “It’s so sad, Akutagawa. It’s too sad. Why couldn’t they work it out?”

“Who?”

“I can’t tell you.” Atsushi feels tears stream down his face. “I want to but I can’t. I’m sorry.” He wails again.

“Okay, calm down. The neighbours will think I have a dying cat up here.”

“But it’s soooooo sad, Akutagawa. You should know.” Atsushi sobs. He may be drunker than he originally thought.

“I do not wish to know.” Akutagawa stands up. “Time for you to go to bed. At least I can sleep easy tonight knowing you are the crying mess whilst intoxicated.”

“So mean.” Atsushi doesn’t move to stand up. The next thing he knows, he’s suspended in air, trailing behind Akutagawa in Rashomon’s grip. “Hey now!”

Akutagawa doesn’t put him down until he’s suddenly in his own room. Atsushi gets dropped down onto his bed, Akutagawa standing over him looking disapproving. Atsushi reaches up and grabs Akutagawa’s hand.

“I’ll tell you some time. About Dazai-san. I promise.” Even through his intoxicated haze, touching Akutagawa feels so right and so natural, Atsushi’s upset that they haven’t touched each other even once since his birthday. He clasps his other hand over to encase Akutagawa’s cold hands, wishing that they would warm up under his touch.

Akutagawa’s hand slips out from between his. “Get some sleep.”

“Why aren’t you drunk?”

“I’ve been drinking a lot longer than you have.” Akutagawa offers.

“Why aren’t you mad at me?” Atsushi hates how small his voice sounds.

Akutagawa snorts. “This does not matter. Just sleep it off.” He’s already at Atsushi’s door, and Atsushi feels tears prick at his eyes again seeing him so far away. Akutagawa turns off the light and that’s that.

The next morning, he’s not embarrassed but he certainly is close to it. Akutagawa has seen him in far more horrifying situations, but still, he didn’t really expect the first time he got drunk to go that way. It’s a Saturday and a day off for him, but when he gets a text from Yosano asking about when he wants to move back into the dorm, he takes an hour before responding.

I think I need a bit more time.

***

Two months later hasn’t really changed much, despite Atsushi’s best efforts. He waits around for Akutagawa until Akutagawa starts coming home later and later, or staying the night at his sister's place. He goes on work trips and the only notice Atsushi gets of that are small text messages. It’s quiet around the apartment all the time.

Akutagawa got back this morning, and left for work after a quick shower. So Atsushi’s alone again, with nothing to do, because his soulmate doesn’t want anything to do with him yet he foolishly decided to stick out living with him for a bit longer.

Atsushi texts Akutagawa. He needs paracetamol, his head is killing him and he’s currently out. Akutagawa tells him there’s some in his en suite bathroom, which means Atsushi has to venture into Akutagawa’s room. It feels wrong to swing open the door and step inside.

Akutagawa’s room isn’t what he expected, really. There are no crypts or coffins to sleep in, no goth decor on the walls. It just looks like a regular bedroom, with fancy older looking furniture that looks more expensive than anything Atsushi owns.

He can’t help looking around. He goes into the en suite, and finds the paracetamol fast. He takes double the dose, because Yosano says that’s just how his body works. He opens all of Akutagawa’s cabinets, because he’s not home and Atsushi doesn’t know anything about Akutagawa, not really.

He has a lot of fancy-looking products. There is a whole shelf dedicated to different skin care looking things, which Atsushi thinks is pretty funny for Akutagawa. He kind of assumed Akutagawa would just use plain bar soap on his face like Atsushi does. He’s going to have to look at Akutagawa’s skin next time he sees him to see if it really makes a difference.

A wave of sadness hits him again. He rarely sees Akutagawa, somehow seeing him less now even though they live together.

Akutagawa has a bureau near the floor to ceiling windows in his room. It’s nice, made of solid wood, and Atsushi doesn’t know anything about antiques but even he can appreciate the look of it.

But there’s something about it that makes Atsushi pause. In the living room, Akutagawa already has a massive bookcase, one he cleared a shelf off for Atsushi to place his books. On top of the bureau in Akutagawa’s room, there’s maybe six or seven books neatly bracketed by nice looking bookends.

Atsushi can’t help himself. He walks over to the books, curious as to what they are. There are two or three famous genre-defining soulmate novels, and a few well worn novels that Atsushi hasn’t read. He picks them up, reads the back covers and author information. They all seem to be sappy romance novels about star-crossed soulmates. He picks up the smallest one, and opens it from the start and begins to read.

He’s so enthralled he doesn’t notice how dark it has become outside. He doesn’t pay attention to the rumble of his stomach or the way his bum feels uncomfortable on Akutagawa’s bedroom floor. And he apparently doesn’t even notice when Akutagawa comes home.

“What are you doing in my room?” Akutagawa says at the door. Atsushi nearly jumps a foot in the air.

“Oh my god, you scared me.”

“What are you doing in my room?” Akutagawa asks again.

“Sorry! I didn’t realise you had such smarmy taste in novels, Akutagawa.” Atsushi jokes. “It’s a shame you don’t believe in soulmates, you won’t be able to live out your-” Atsushi stands up off Akutagawa’s floor only to be met with fiery hot pain in his right shoulder. Rashomon skewers through his torso, blood splattering all over Akutagawa’s nice grey bedcover. He looks down at his hand and sees there's blood on the novel he was reading too.

“What the fuck.” Atsushi wheezes out.

“How dare you come into my room.” Akutagawa is looking down, brow so furrowed in fury Atsushi can’t see his eyes. “How dare you look through my personal belongings. How dare you joke about this situation here.”

Atsushi brings a transformed hand up where Rashomon sits in his shoulder. He pierces the crackling black mass with his claws, and pulls Rashomon out of him in one movement, collapsing on the floor after. He never thought his slight headache would lead to this.

“You’re overreacting.” Atsushi manages, sitting on hands and knees, trying to catch his breath. His healing has taken over already, he can feel his shoulder being stitched back together quickly. He understands that it’s a warning shot.

“You invade my room and laugh at my books. This is a fair reaction.”

“Why are you so offended, Akutagawa?” Atsushi leans back onto his heels. “Do you want that? What’s in those books? Is that why? Is that why you won’t talk to me or look at me? Is that what you wish your life was?” He presses a hand to his bleeding shoulder.

A shard of Rashomon swipes past his ear. It hits the bureau behind him, cutting into the expensive wood. The bureau cracks, the contents on the surface collapsing into the middle with a loud bang.

“I’m sorry I can’t be good enough for you, you jerk!” Atsushi screams.

“When you saw me on your birthday, what changed for you, weretiger?” Akutagawa asks. His tone is so neutral Atsushi knows he’s at his angriest right now. “Everyone has different reactions to finding their soulmate, but you knew. I saw the realisation dawn across your face plain as day. So what changed?”

“I don’t know! I just knew. It was like looking at you for the first time, like something clicked into place. It was like… like…”

“Magic?” Akutagawa offers.

“Yes! Exactly.”

“Well, weretiger, that’s where you and I differ.” Akutagawa is getting angrier somehow, but Atsushi knows by now that all of this rage is directed inwards. “Because when I saw you on your birthday, nothing changed for me.”

“What?” Atsushi’s hands drop from the hole in his shirt. “What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

“Do not make me spell this out for your pea sized brain, Atsushi.” Atsushi. “You can work it out on your own.”

Atsushi doesn’t respond. Nothing changed for Akutagawa? How can that be? The only time Atsushi has ever read about that happening was when the two soulmates were already together when they turned twenty, and already in-

Oh. Oh no.

Atsushi nods slowly just to move his body. “How did you know then?” He says quietly.

“I just knew. When I looked at you, I just knew.”

“It was like everything made sense?” Atsushi’s heart races. “How is that different from what I felt?” He’s furious all of a sudden. Furious everyone is leaving him out of all this information. Furious he’s supposed to be a full adult now but everyone is making choices for him instead of asking him what he wants.

Akutagawa opens his mouth, but Atsushi cuts him off. “Shut up! How can you say this to me now? How could you keep this from me? It’s been three months of this, and we’re both pathetically miserable. How dare you!”

“You would not understand.” Akutagawa sneers.

“I don’t understand because you refuse to explain anything to me!” Atsushi screechs. “You already had feelings for me, and then, wow! Turns out I’m your fucking soulmate? Dream scenario, Akutagawa! What is your problem?!”

“Do you think so lowly of me that you believe I would find pleasure in forcing you to have feelings for me?” Akutagawa yells back.

“That’s not what this is!”

“It is exactly what this is, weretiger.” For half a second the facade cracks. Akutagawa looks exhausted, and Atsushi knows that feeling all too well. Atsushi wants him to use his name again.

“You’re my fucking soulmate. Isn’t that supposed to mean something?” Atsushi's voice cracks. “I don’t get it. Why don’t you even want to try? We can be anything you want to each other, we can be friends or we can be partners again. I talked to you more when we just saw each other for work, but now we’re bonded for life and you want nothing to do with me!” Hot tears sting at his eyes. “Don’t you want me?”

Akutagawa stands frozen for so long Atsushi thinks he’s not going to respond. The moment lasts forever, Atsushi sitting pathetically tense on Akutagawa’s bedroom floor. Then, almost imperceptibly small, Akutagawa shakes his head.

“Not like this.”

Atsushi stands, and walks out of Akutagawa’s bedroom, and doesn’t stop until he’s far away from the apartment.

***

He ends up sleeping in Kyouka’s closet for a week. He’s a ghost at work, and tries to quietly cry himself to sleep nightly, but when he wakes up and Kyouka gives him a look, he knows he isn’t fooling anyone.

Everyone gives him a wide berth except Dazai, and Atsushi can’t even bring himself to be mad when Dazai overloads him with busy work. He accepts everything with the gusto of a hospice patient.

He’s taking a break in the client meeting room, resting his head between his knees as he tries not to cry. Atsushi know’s he’s prone to self-pitying behaviour, but honestly he feels like he’s kind of deserved to wallow just for a bit. He’s gonna give it another week, and then he’s going to move on. That’s fair. He hears Dazai’s footsteps approach, and can’t convince himself to lift his head whatsoever.

“Atsushi-kun~”

“Hey Dazai-san.” He grumbles out. “Fukuzawa-san said I can take a break, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Oh Atsushi-kun, sometimes I think you don’t know me at all.” Dazai flops onto the couch next to him. “So Akutagawa-kun isn’t everything you wanted?”

He just cries. Dazai seems to flounder next to him, patting his back awkwardly.

“It’s okay, Atsushi-kun.”

“Dazai-san?”

“Hm?”

“Did you know? Did you know Akutagawa was my soulmate?”

“No… no one can know.”

“Did you hope?”

“That’s a… different question. I hoped that you would have a soulmate that brought you immense amounts of happiness, Atsushi-kun.” Dazai sighs. “And for Akutagawa-kun too.”

“Well, he doesn’t want me.” Atsushi rubs at his eyes. It’s fine. Being unwanted is Atsushi’s natural state of being, so he really should’ve known from the start this was an inevitability. His parents, the headmaster, he should’ve known that his soulmate would be the same.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Atsushi-kun. The heart can be a very complicated muscle.”

Atsushi needs to know. “Then what about Kunikida-san?” Dazai stiffens next to him immediately.

“You know about that?” He asks quietly. Atsushi nods. “Oh Atsushi-kun. Whatever must you think of me?”

“Only the best, Dazai-san.” He leans his head on Dazai’s shoulder. “But why not Kunikida-san? What’s wrong with him?”

Dazai doesn’t laugh it off like he expects him to. Instead he sighs. “It is not Kunikida-kun that’s the problem, Atsushi-kun. And I would be willing to bet money that it’s not you that Akutagawa-kun doesn’t want, per se.”

“Would you ever give Kunikida-san another chance?”

Dazai laughs bitterly. “We are not soulmates anymore, Atsushi-kun.”

“That doesn’t mean you still couldn’t try.” Dazai hums. “You should be happy too, Dazai-san. I want you to be happy too.”

Dazai’s arm squeezes tighter around Atsushi’s shoulders.

“But I want you to promise me something.” Atsushi says, and Dazai cocks his head to the side. “I… I want to do this my way. With no meddling from anyone. I don’t know where I stand with my soulmate while everyone around us makes decisions for us.”

Dazai nods, and that’s that. It’ll probably be hard for Dazai not to meddle, it is his favourite pastime.

He stays late at work until everyone leaves and only he and Kunikida sit opposite one another. And then it takes him twenty minutes to work up the courage to ask what he wants to before Kunikida tells him to spit it out.

“I heard you know an ability user who can sever soulmate connections.” The words pour out of him like a burst dam.

Kunikida stares at him. He doesn’t move for so long Atsushi thinks he’s broken him. Then, he reaches down into the bottom drawer of his desk and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. “Let’s go to the roof.”

Kunikida smokes one cigarette in its entirety before he says anything.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t. You’re right. But I can’t keep living like this.” Atsushi rests his elbows on the railing.

“There are other ways. You can choose not to be in each other's lives.”

“He will always be in my life. And it will always be painful.” Atsushi cries once again. He thought that after a while his tears would dry up, but they just keep coming.

“You can’t know that it will always be painful.”

“But you do.”

“It’s still painful, Atsushi.” Kunikida looks so vulnerable and afraid, Atsushi is genuinely concerned. “It’s been four years, and it’s still as painful as the day that it happened. There is no right solution.”

Atsushi frowns. “That’s not what I want to hear. I wanted you to tell me there was an ideal outcome for this.”

“Well there’s not.”

They stand on the roof for a few minutes in silence. Atsushi tries to sniff his tears away.

“Can I have a cigarette?” Atsushi asks. Kunikida looks at him like he’s the stupidest creature on the planet. “Fine, okay, whatever.” He puts his hands up in mock surrender. “But I can buy them now.”

Kunikida hums. “Right. You’re twenty now. I suppose we better take you out somewhere. I’m sorry we haven’t yet.”

“It’s okay. It’s been an awful couple of months.” There’s more comfortable silence as they look out over the city that they help protect. Atsushi supposes it’s not all that bad, not if he gets to be here with the Detective Agency. He needs to stop with the self pity, he knows. It’s hard sometimes though.

He feels a fresh wave of tears when he thinks about Akutagawa again, about heading back to such a cold, empty apartment. Kunikida looks at him.

“Why doesn’t he want me, Kunikida-san?” Atsushi is mortified as his voice cracks, but Kunikida doesn’t say anything. He holds his arm out wide, and Atsushi slots himself against his chest, and cries into his vest. “It’s just not fair.” He sobs.

“I know, Atsushi.” And Atsushi believes him, believes that he knows exactly what he’s going through right now. “I know.”

As he’s leaving the office for the night, Kunikida says, “I can put you in contact with the ability user. But really think about it first.”

***

Atsushi goes back to the apartment with a plan. He plans to wait up until Akutagawa gets home, but is surprised when he finds Akutagawa in the living room just putting away the vacuum cleaner.

“Hi.” Atsushi says. He feels so awfully good looking at Akutagawa in his soft house clothes, like it’s a moment of trust. Atsushi knows it’s nothing more than convenience.

Akutagawa nods a greeting.

“I… I said I would tell you about Dazai-san’s soulmate, didn’t I?” And so he does. They don’t even sit down, Atsushi just word vomits the whole story out there. “And all that’s to say that, well. Kunikida-san can put us into contact with the ability user. We could get our connection erased.”

Akutagawa stares at him blankly. “Absolutely not.”

“What?!” Atsushi blanches. “Isn’t this what you want?”

Akutagawa throws the vacuum cleaner down. He turns away from Atsushi and runs a hand through his hair, and Atsushi realises that he’s furious. He’s standing near the bar cart, and picks up a bottle, the bottle of whiskey he usually drinks, and sends it flying to the wall opposite. Atsushi flinches. Whiskey drips down the wall into the broken glass covered carpet.

Akutagawa stands so undeservedly white knuckled. His anger is infectious. When Atsushi takes a step towards him, he flinches too.

“You don’t want me. You don’t not want me. You let Dazai-san force me to move in with you and your sister to move out. You ignore me for months. You say you’re in love with me, well you have a funny fucking way of showing it.”

“You can leave at any time.” Akutagawa scrubs a hand over his eyes. “Just leave if you want.”

Atsushi launches at him. Akutagawa’s eyes widen as he brings his arms up to catch Atsushi’s before he can throttle him. Atsushi isn’t going all out, and they both know it. If they escalate to using abilities they might as well think about remodelling the apartment. Atsushi wrestles against Akutagawa pathetically. Neither of them are using technique, just trying to brute strength the other into doing something. Atsushi gets a leg behind Akutagawa and pushes him onto the floor.

“This is not what I want, Akutagawa. I don’t want to leave. I don’t know why you can’t fucking understand that!” Atsushi has both his hands pinned, framing Akutagawa’s face.

“What do you want then?!” Akutagawa screams up from the floor.

Atsushi kisses him. Akutagawa goes completely slack underneath him for a beat, before his lips begin to move against Atsushi’s. When Atsushi lets go of Akutagawa’s hands, they immediately snake their way up Atsushi’s neck.

Atsushi sighs into his mouth. He bits Akutagawa’s lip, fury still boiling over the edge, and Akutagawa’s nails dig into the soft flesh behind his neck. Despite it all, it feels like this is finally right, like they’ve finally taken a step in the right direction. Akutagawa’s legs wrap around his waist as Atsushi pulls them both up.

Akutagawa is roughly the same size as him, which is why it’s all the more off putting that he’s so much lighter than Atsushi. Atsushi carries him towards his bedroom, mouths still biting into each other. It’s painful, and real, and it’s them, a nerve exposed.

Atsushi drops them both down onto his bed. Akutagawa whines, hands roaming to Atsushi’s waist, untucking Atsushi’s work shirt and running his hands up the flat of his stomach.

Atsushi pulls back. Akutagawa is flushed and his kiss-reddened lips are all Atsushi has ever wanted. But like this, Akutagawa’s collared sweater has fallen open ever so slightly. And here’s the thing. Akutagawa always wears high collars. He always wears his stupid fuckign cravat when he works, and always wears high neck skivvies when he’s at home with Atsushi.

Atsushi pulls the sweater down, pressing a thumb against the corner of the dark red scar that puckers across Akutagawa’s neck. He traces his thumb across it, and when Akutagawa just looks up at him, he covers the scar with his hand. He feels Akutagawa’s pulse underneath, beating so fast Atsushi is shocked that Akutagawa’s expression is as neutral as ever.

And then, he understands. Not like this.

He sits back, careful not to crush Akutagawa’s waist with his weight. Seriously he’s going to have to start slipping him protein powder. Akutagawa just stares at him.

“What are we doing?” Atsushi blurts out. A pained expression crosses Akutagawa’s face, and he tries to shimmy up from under Atsushi. “No, I mean. I remembered something.”

Akutagawa remains frozen, half poised to escape Atsushi’s room, half wanting to stay.

“When you said it changed. On my birthday. It did. But I… I felt that way before then. One other time.” Atsushi is so fucking embarrassed. “When we saw each other… you know…”

Akutagawa’s brow furrows. Oh god he’s going to make Atsushi say it.

“When I saw you, and you were alive again.” Akutagawa breath hitches. “When I saw you again, and you were okay, and I felt like… nothing else mattered. Like everything else was secondary to you being okay.” He remembers wanting nothing more than to embrace Akutagawa in a room full of Port Mafia and Detective Agency members.

“That’s so embarrassing.”

Atsushi brings his hands to his face. A sob breaks out unintentionally, and Akutagawa moves to escape out from under him once again.

“Nothing in life is easy, Akutagawa. But we have had it harder than most.” He stares Akutagawa down even as he cries. “But why you are so insistent on rejecting this, I can’t understand. Even if we weren’t soulmates, our lives are still so intrinsically linked together. So please. Please. Part of being happy is choosing it.”

Akutagawa stands up off the bed, and Atsushi grabs his wrist in a vice grip. Atsushi can’t look, can’t bear to face rejection even once more. But not knowing is somehow worse. “Stay.”

Akutagawa heistates. And then, he nods. Atsushi lets go of his wrist and Akutagawa sits back down on the bed. Atsushi lies down, grateful that when he bought his bed for the apartment he got a queen sized one. And by some miracle, Akutagawa lies down next to him too. He sits up in the bed as Atsushi quickly scrambles to change out of his work clothes and into pajamas, Akutagawa taking his sweater off to reveal a soft t-shirt with a cartoon cat on it.

And then, when the lights are out, and their skin is pressed lightly together, it feels like life is a little bit easier to cope with.

Akutagawa breaks the silence, whispering “Chuuya-san said he thought you would cry during sex.”

Atsushi splutters. “Why are you talking to Nakahara-san about me like that?”

“I wasn’t. He brought it up unprompted.”

“You’re such a jerk.” And then Atsushi hears a soft snicker. “We didn’t even do anything. I’ve never even done that before, so.”

Akutagawa just makes a small noise of acknowledgement. He sounds tired, and Atsushi feels the same. But still…

“Can I?” Atsushi whispers. Akutagawa just mumbles a positive sound. Atsushi turns on his side, and presses closer to his soulmate. Skin to skin contact with Akutagawa feels so right and so natural that Atsushi can hardly believe he’s really doing this. He’s not the type to get this kind of thing. He drapes an arm over Akutagawa, pulling him closer. And he finally knows that Akutagawa smells like expensive cologne and the sea breeze.

Akutagawa relaxes against him. They get comfortable like that, and in no time, Atsushi is out like a light.

He wakes up after the best sleep of his life. At some point, Akutagawa turned over and Atsushi wakes to a faceful of soft black hair and drool on his shirt. He can’t find it in himself to be bothered when Akutagawa sleeps so adorably. He runs his fingers up and down Akutagawa’s back, because he can. Because he doesn’t know how long this is going to last, not really.

Akutagawa wakes.

“Hi.” Atsushi says down at him.

“Hello”.

It’s nothing. They haven’t talked about what this means or how they’re going to fit into each other's lives. There’s three months of soulmate misery to overcome, and two years of fighting to rectify. But Atsushi says hi like an introduction. Nice to meet you, I am Nakajima Atsushi, your soulmate. And Akutagawa replies back.

It’s a start.