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“Go to bed, honey. You look like you could use some sleep,” her mother says with an understanding smile. They spent the day cooking for tomorrow, decorating the house, and of course, entertaining William. This being his first Christmas, every light, every ornament seems a miracle to him, and something he needs to touch. Or put in his mouth.
Scully knows her mother means well sending her to bed but her words bring tears to her eyes, reminding her once again that she’s alone in this, all of the responsibilities heavy on her own lean shoulders.
“It’s okay, mom. I want to help.” A yawn escapes her. Maybe her mother is right; tomorrow will be another day, longer than this one. The children will be up at the break of dawn, wanting to see what Santa brought them.
“Maybe I’ll… I think I’m going to bed after all.”
“Good idea, honey.” Her mother takes her in her arms and Scully soaks up her mother’s love and strength. She used to do this, too; celebrate birthdays, Christmases, and milestones all on her own while Ahab was out at sea. With four little kids, not just one.
“How did you do it?” She asks in a whisper.
“Oh Dana.” Her mother holds her tighter. “I had you and your siblings. I always knew where your father was. I missed him terribly but I knew. I knew when I’d get him back.”
“I miss him so much.” She doesn’t want to admit it, not even to her mother, but the pain smothers her. All day she watched Tara and Bill, sharing short glances, a touch here and there. Her own skin aches from Mulder’s absence.
“I know you do. I know. Get some sleep. Things always look brighter in the morning. It’s William’s first Christmas. Wait till he tears into his gifts.” Still clinging to her mother, she laughs softly.
“Thank you.”
Sleep doesn’t come easily. Her dreams during this time of year are always full of loss and pain. A few nights ago she dreamed of her father, Missy, and Emily. She screamed out for them, but they didn’t pay her any mind. In her dream, they were laughing with each other, but no matter what she did, she wasn’t part of it. She never dreams about Mulder anymore. It’s a blessing and a curse. She couldn’t bear to be separated from him in her dreams too.
William is sleeping in his crib, his gentle breathing a lullaby that calms her. She closes her eyes to test it out, just to see what’s awaiting her. Before she knows it, she’s falling asleep.
“You always sleep through everything.” Mulder’s voice is soft, a gentle caress that she feels all over her body.
“Our son has grown so much. He sleeps like you, you know. With his mouth open. He’s going to be a snorer like his mama.” His chuckle is music to her ears. Her dream Mulder sounds so real. It’s as if he were right here with her, right now.
“Where are you?” She asks, whether in sleep or out loud, she can’t tell. She’s torn between the two stages, half awake and half dreaming. She’s afraid of reaching out, of falling out of her dream and losing Mulder all over again.
“I’m right here. Open your eyes.” It’s a trick of her mind. Trying to make her face reality. One where Mulder is not here. If she opens her eyes, she will be in her bed at her mother’s house, alone.
“I want to stay here with you a bit longer.”
“I’m not going to leave. I want to see your eyes. I want to see your smile, Scully. I want to kiss you and I’m not going to unless I see you want me to.”
“You’re a dream,” she says, as if trying to convince herself. Her eyelids flutter. It can’t be. It can’t be real. He can’t be here. It’s just a dream.
“Open your eyes and I’ll prove you wrong.”
She does as he says and there he is, laying opposite her, a grin on his face as if he’d never been gone. She reaches out, needing tactile proof of him. She touches his arm, his jaw, his lips, his hair. He’s real and he’s here.
“How?” But she doesn’t wait for him to answer, draws him close to her, burying her face in his neck. It’s warm and she presses her lips against his skin, feeling his pulse beat with life.
“Is it safe? Is you being here-”
“It’s safe. I wouldn’t have come if it weren’t. It’s a long story but Scully… I might not have to leave you and William again.”
“What? How can that- is this real? Are you really here?”
“Could a dream do this?” His kiss is the sweetest flavor she’s ever tasted. His tongue teases its way inside her mouth, his lips moving in the old familiar way that she’s been so missing so much.
“It’s you.”
“It’s me. Do you like your present?” He peppers her face with kisses, making her laugh.
“I love it. I love you. I missed you so much.”
“I missed you more.”
They kiss until they grow too tired, entangled from head to toe, no longer able to tell where one begins and the other ends. They don’t need to know, neither of them intending to let the other one go.