Work Text:
How did the light get eclipsed by the darkness
How did the waves get stolen by the storm
I no longer care, if the weather is good in life
I only wish for a warmer bed
How did it happen? Will stares helplessly at Ella’s - Ella’s - he cannot even form the word in his mind. Ella, who was breathing and smiling and talking barely moments ago, now lies motionlessly on the floor. Oh, Ella, he wants to shout, it isn’t nothing! The demon’s curse is real. Ella is gone, who’ll be next if he doesn’t make himself scarce?
Thinking of exiling myself at dawn
Sweating as I walk, as
I could not breathe when all the pedestrians are staring
Why am I good at nothing?
Thunk. The dagger hits the ground before it could reach the wall. Will lets slip a curse in Welsh, which further darkens his mood. Oh, what use does he have for swear words when he himself is a curse upon the world? Having left at dawn after Ella’s gone, hee is no longer a son, no longer a brother. He is a shadowhunter now. What has remained unchanged was his futility. He is of no use to the world. He cannot even be loved.
I know, as long as I have my hands, I could clench my fists and go on
Even if my face is paler than ever, I say I’m not exhausted
Even if I can’t, I have to do it, achieving the humblest success
“Will, dear, do you always look this tired?” Henry asks one morning, surprised and uncertain if it is him being the usual unattentive to other inhabitants in the Institute.
“It’s none of your business. I’m fine,” says Will curtly. Do not care for me, do not care for me, he chants in his heart. Please do not care for a creature who will bring only blight upon the household.
“Will! Mind you manners,” chides Charlotte, but there is too much warmth in her tone for his liking.
Has their affection to him yet to be abolished, even after all the rebellious behaviour he has demonstrated? Has fate marked him out for absolute solitude? Once I find the strength to exile myself again, Will silently vows, I shall leave and live in a cave. I cannot keep on endangering everyone who has the misfortune to cross paths with me.
As long as I have my hands, I won’t beg, I shall stubbornly face
This heartless, demeaning world without fear
Until fate opens its blind eyes, until a warm breeze blows apart the cloud and mist, and gives me my castle
It hurts. Blood oozes out of his wound in the abdomen, but he welcomes the pain. It feels good to be feeling something. A price must be paid, after all, for killing a demon. It is, of course, not the same demon that has haunted him day and night. It is a demon nonetheless, one that has the potential to trap another young man like him.
He has finally slayed a demon. It is exhilarating, the adrenaline that curses through his veins. Is this the purpose of his life? To be marked singularly so that he would cut all personal ties, walk the earth cold and alone and serve the Angel.
It’s my fate, I won’t pretend I have a strength
But the happy ones hear the coins tinkling
Can I hear it just for once
Before I get buried with nothing
Oh, whose expectations did I fail
Curiosity kills a cat, and now it is killing Will - what kind of disgusting poem is he reading? It was one of his worst horrors: some naive, shallow young lady falling for his looks. What they know of his soulless, pitless heart! There is no one, nothing inside!
He is going to do what he should and what he has always done - nipping any feelings for him in the bud.
It is both painful and relieving to receive the disappointing glares from Charlotte. It is also momentarily disorienting as it reminds him of the look he has gotten from Ella, after he has fallen so high from the tree that his leg has been broken.
I know, as long as I have my hands, I could clench my fists and go on
Even if my face is paler than ever, I say I’m not exhausted
Even if I can’t, I have to do it, achieving the humblest success
Sometimes it becomes too much. Oh, who is he kidding? It is always too much. Too much, too hard to reign in the gratefulness and affection he has for the Branwells, not to tell them he isn’t as worse as he seems to be, not to try and be a better person for them so that they would be proud of him.
He clenches and unclenches his fists, swallowing his pride, his love and his hope.
As long as I have my hands, I won’t beg, I shall stubbornly face
This heartless, demeaning world without fear
Until fate opens its blind eyes, until a warm breeze blows apart the cloud and mist, and gives me my castle
“Will you train with me?” the silver-haired boy has asked, calmly but expectantly.
For numerous nights Will has gone to sleep with this memory in mind. Jem is the ray of sunlight that shines through the black clouds of guilt and hatred, the only warmth he could ever allow himself to feel. He is humbled by Jem’s mere prescence - such kindness, such patience, such endurance - and for the first time that feels like forever, he knows he is fortunate.
Everyday he looks into his silver eyes and thinks:
He is my greatest sin.
Even if I was born in debris
Don’t let my hope die in my heart
Find it, chase it, escape with it
Her gray eyes are oddly piercing. She always seems to see through him. She seems to hear the words he thinks and never says aloud. Is that why he is so restless around her? For she would have understood him, enjoyed his wits and unlocked his dark secrets?
As he drifts to unconsciousness, he realises:
She is the first dream of his soul.
Remember, as long as I have my hands, I could clench my fists and go on
Even if I’m on my own, I refuse to let go
Don’t forget, fight for it, in the heaviest rain
Jem. Tessa. The two halves of his heart, both captured and torn from him, be it illness or evilness.
He is on his own, but he would have died before giving up on any of them. They are his heart, and a man cannot survive without one.
As long as I have my hands, I won’t beg, I shall stubbornly face
This heartless, demeaning world without fear
Until fate opens its blind eyes, until a warm breeze blows the cloud and mist apart, and the sky is clear
Warm hands move over his, unclenching his fists. “Will,” whispers Tessa. “We’re here. Your parents are waiting for you.”
He opens his eyes.
The sky is clear.
§§§