Chapter Text
FADE IN:
CAMERA DOES A SLOW PANOVER OF ARDHALIS.
It is lightly snowing, and small crowds of people are walking about.
KIERAN (V.O.):
(overly enthusiastically)
Welcome to the grand city of Ardhalis! A city of wonder, a city of dreams, a city of love-
CAMERA PANOVER SUDDENLY STOPS.
LAUREN (V.O.):
(clears throat)
KIERAN (V.O.):
(incredulously)
What?
LAUREN (V.O.):
(scoffs)
What is this, Kieran? A tour guide commercial?
KIERAN (V.O.):
What do you mean?
LAUREN (V.O.):
(sighs)
I mean, tone down the enthusiasm. It sounds so scripted.
KIERAN (V.O.):
(deadpan)
Darling, literally everything we do and say is scripted.
LAUREN (V.O.):
Well, yeah, but we’re supposed to make it sound like it’s not scripted.
KIERAN (V.O.):
But isn’t that what the writer intended to do? To add comedic effect? You know, a reverse psychology mixed with irony kind of deal?
LAUREN (V.O.):
(angry)
Now, listen here, you little sh-
SCREEN SUDDENLY FADES TO BLACK.
KYM (V.O.):
(interjectionally)
Okay! That is enough of that. Don’t worry, you guys, I’ll take it from here.
A sudden thud like a chair falling can be heard faintly.
WILL (V.O.):
No, no, no, Kym. I’ll take it from here.
KYM (V.O.):
(offended)
Excuse me? I can take care of it just fine, thank you. Why? Don’t you trust me?
WILL (V.O.):
To be honest, no, not really. There’s no telling what you will do.
KYM (V.O.):
(irritated)
Like what?
WILL (V.O.):
Gee, I don’t know, you could go on a rant about watermelons, teach the audience how to find the time by calculating the position of the sun, summon an army of raccoons…
KYM (V.O.):
(defensively)
Hey! I eat watermelons and summon an army of raccoons like a boss!
WILL (V.O.):
Not the point I’m trying to make here, Ladell!
Arguing between LAUREN and KIERAN, and KYM and WILL continues and overtakes the background noise.
Shuffling can be heard faintly, and a small thud from a microphone being grabbed can be heard.
LILA (V.O.):
(timidly)
Umm, sorry about that, folks. We might have some, umm, technical difficulties.
LUKAS (V.O.):
(muttering)
Who knew technical difficulties could be so entertaining?
LILA (V.O.):
(scolding)
Lukas!
LUKAS (V.O.):
(unapologetically)
What?
LILA (V.O.):
(sighs tiredly)
Never mind.
SCREEN SHOWS [THE APD GANG] TITLE CARD. A PURPLE HYACINTH SITS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE TITLE.
LILA (V.O.):
The APD Gang is a new comedic drama coming to an AO3 account near you.
LUKAS (V.O.):
(coldly)
So you better keep an eye out for it or whatever.
LILA (V.O.):
Hope you guys enjoy it! See you then!
FADE OUT