Work Text:
His first Christmas Alone
The past few weeks have been hell for Remus John Lupin. Not that long ago he had the whole world and in a couple of hours, it was taking away from him.
His best friends were murdered.
His lover was sent to prison.
The Mother of his child was kidnapped in front of him.
His daughter is missing.
Several other friends have been murdered.
Two were tortured into insanity leaving a one-year-old.
One friend got married and moved abroad.
He lost his job.
He doesn't even speak to two other friends no matter how hard they send him letters.
A few days ago it would have been Lily's and Eli's second wedding anniversary.
And he didn't know what to do with his life.
Remus just sat in his trashed flat listening to the radio. He hadn't been bothered cleaning it when Eli trashed it the night everything went to shit. He didn't see the point in it.
A song began to play on the radio. It was a John Lennon song. “So this is Christmas” or as Remus more commonly known it as “War is over”.
It’s ironic how he relates to the song. Even though a muggle man wrote this song about a muggle war, it more relates to the war that the wizarding war just had with the darkest wizard losing his life to a one-year-old.
~~~~
“Howay Moony man, ‘urry up or we are gonna be late for lesson” Eli yelled to him as they ran down the corridor.
Remus smirked as it was his fault the two were going to be late for Slughorn's lesson. “Why should I. You know I don’t like Potions as much as you so why do I have to hurry up?” Remus asked, taking his sweet time.
Eli turned around to face Remus “Ya should ‘urry up cause if we are late, Professor McGonagall will have me ‘ead and I’ll blame that on ya” Eli responded walking backwards not looking where they are going.
Eli bumped into someone. “Watch where you are going blood traitor,” a slimy voice said. Eli spun around and saw a Severus Snape laying flat on his arse.
“Why should I eh Snape. I mean at least that fat arse of yours was able to cushion ya fall. Shit, damn sorry about that Snape. But aye why should I look where I was goin’? I’m late for a lesson and so are you. ‘Urry up Remus for fuck sakes, like I said it’s ya fault we’re late” Eli said regretting some of what they said to Snape.
“I’m going as fast as I want to okay Eli. I’m thinking of taking five points off Gryffindor for insulting another classmate but because it’s you I won’t” Remus stated as he caught up with Eli and placed his arm around Eli’s shoulder.
“Ug you two make me sick with your lovey-dovey stuff and favouritism. You are taking advantage of your rule Lupin and it’s sickening” Snape frowned.
“Howay man, we need ta go ta Potion’s now come on” Eli demanded pulling Remus by the arm and forcing him to go to Potions. Snape followed quietly behind the two.
Remus smirked at the memory that came to him. It was from 6th Year when Eli began to talk more like themself without a care in the world. Yes, they may have gotten some stick from it but Eli didn’t care.
~~~~~
“Oi Moony, where’s our Prongs? I wanna talk to ‘im about prank I wanna do” Sirius said walking into the dorm.
“Went to go find Evans. He wanted to see if she needed help carrying any books” Remus replied, setting down his book that he was reading.
Sirius sat on Remus’s bed. “Merlin, Wot is ‘is obsession with ‘er. Sure she is pretty in all but a red ‘ead, he can do better than that” Sirius responded shaking his head.
“Maybe he doesn’t want to. Maybe he does have his eye on someone but they might not like him back” Remus said knowing how James looked at Regulus.
“Then why doesn’t he go for them instead and not someone who hates his guts and might be in love with ‘er own best friend. Sorry, Moony but we have seen the way Red looks at our Leo and ya can not tell me she doesn’t have somethin’ for them” Sirius said searching for something.
Remus noticed this. “What on earth are you looking for Padfoot?” he asked confused. Sirius kept searching until Remus clocked on. “Get off my bed, you ain’t going to find any and if you don't stop being an arsehole, when you become Padfoot I will feed you chocolate so you are ill” he threatened.
Sirius pouted before he stopped searching. “Merlin does he look cute when he does that,” Remus thought to himself.
Remus realised Sirius waving his hand in front of Remus’s face. “Were ya daydreamin’ because you're not Eli ya know, ya don't ‘ave ta daydream every five seconds” Sirius commented.
Remus slapped Sirius’s hand away. “Piss off you twat. Don’t you have a lesson to go to?” Remus asked, annoyed.
“Nope which is why I wanna talk ta Prongs but I’ll go look for ‘im,” Sirius said before leaving Remus by himself.
~~~~
Remus was confused as to why that memory came to him. It was from 5th Year before he even confessed to Sirius about his feelings. Remus regretted doing so as it caused too much damage later on.
Remus didn't realise he was out of his seat and moving about when the next memory came to him.
~~~~
“Oi Moony, can you help me with this work please I don't know what I need to do and it's due next week,” Peter asked running after Remus.
Remus turned around. “Yeah I will Wormtail, let's go to the library and we can work on it there,” Remus said holding his hand out for Peter. Peter looked about before taking hold of Remus’s hand.
“Why did you look around Wormtail?” Remus asked, confused. “Moony I know we all hold hands but that is when we are alone but what if like the Slytherins are about” Peter replied.
“And we show we don't care. We are close, we are like family so what is wrong with family holding hands. Now to the library” Remus then said.
The two friends walked hand in hand to the library and thankfully for Peter no one saw them holding hands.
They sat at the table they always sit at to do and Peter pulled out his work. “It’s for transfiguration, I don't understand what I need to write for it,” Peter said.
“Ah, so Human Transfiguration. The lesson where Leo and Prongs assaulted Padfoot and now Leo and Padfoot are missing” Remus stated. Peter nodded remembering the incident.
“Right then, I guess you got too distracted by them that you weren't paying attention to Mcgonagall because she said the homework isn't due until the end of this month and we are not allowed to help anyone” Remus replied.
Peter frowned. “But Moony, I don't know what I am doing” Peter whined.
Remus laughed loudly “Fucking hell Wormy, open a book and read it please or just wait until Leo has done theirs and ask them for help”.
“Fine” Peter huffed. Remus looked around before leaning in. “Wanna go outside for a smoke? I know a place” he asked Peter.
“Okay then let's pack our things away and we can go” Peter smiled. The two packed their stuff away before walking out of the library and for a smoke.
Remus remembered that was the first time Peter smoked and how upset he was that he wasn't allowed any help and that Remus wouldn't help him.
~~~~
It reminded Remus of when James tried to help Peter and mother him, Lily kicked off saying it ain't fair that Peter should get help and no one else. James helped Peter with the work in silence.
~~~~
“Prongs, do you feel bad about what you did to Snape?” Remus asked as he sat on James’s bed. James was looking out of the window when Remus asked this.
“Yes, I do. I know I shouldn't have done that to him. I just lost control, after everything he had said about Leo and Lily behind their backs and then when Mulbicer attacked Mary it was the last straw and I snapped” James replied.
“The look on Lily’s face when Snape called her that awful word. Did you see how Leo’s eyes became that murderous stare at all of us when they saw what was going on and fuck me that bollocking we got from them. Merlin, I thought I was going to die” Remus grimaced.
“Me too. Merlin, they called us out but it was for the best. Now enough of that can you help me with something?” James said.
“And what do you need help with?” Remus made a confused face.
“Well you like both genders ya know and well I do too but it's not because of looks and it confuses me because I look at Leo and I'm like wow their so kind and helpful and I never want to be on the wrong end of the wand and Merlin are they intelligent. When I look at Lily it's the same thing and also the red hair. Now when I look at a certain lad that isn't in this year or house, it's the exact same thing” James explained.
Remus thought long and hard before answering “Maybe Prongs, you go on personality and how smart they are. It's common with people to like someone and it ain't based on looks”.
“Yeah maybe that is it but how did you know you liked both? How did Leo tell you? James badgered.
“Well, I realised in about 2nd Year after I figured out that staring at someone who is the same gender as you and dreams about them is not normal but then whenever I looked at Leo I felt the same way. Leo pulled me aside one day and explained to me how they always knew they felt the same way about everyone like you do” Remus responded.
“Ah that makes sense and you weren't mad at them or something because you have been cold to them since they confessed Lily kissed them,” James asked.
“No I wasn't mad and to be honest Prongs I think I was jealous of Lily because she kissed Leo, it took me weeks for Leo to kiss me and then it took Leo to say something nice and Lily kisses them,” Remus said looking away.
“Moony mate, Leo and Lily have been friends for years. You can tell they have something special between them whether it be a platonic relationship or a romantic one down the line but that ain't happening anytime soon because Leo is head over heels for you Moony” James advised.
“Okay yeah I see what ya mean Prongs” Remus replied.
~~~~
“Prongs was correct,” Remus thought, not realising the radio had a different song on. James turned out to be more like Eli than people thought when he told the other Marauders he didn't really suit a gender but uses the pronouns that he has always used.
Remus was saddened when he realised James’s funeral didn't mention anything about who he really was and Remus was scared that if anything happened to Eli the same would be said for them.
~~~~
Lily then popped into his mind. He remembered how calm she was when James told everyone and how she helped him so much maybe because she knew what to do because of Eli.
“Remus, can I talk to you for a second please?” Lily asked running over to him, her hands full with books.
Remus stopped. “Alright Lily, what would you like to talk about?” he turned around.
“I need a partner for something in the summer and I was wondering if you could be mine,” Lily said moving side to side.
Remus cocked his head. “If you need a partner why don't you ask Leo or someone. Why are you asking me? I'm with Leo” he replied.
“My sister is having an engagement party and she knows who E is because Tuney has seen E before. I have also described the person like you so she is expecting you to be there. Also, I didn't want to ask Potter or E’s twin” Lily looked about praying Remus would say yes.
“I need to think about it, Lily,” Remus said. Lily made a puppy dog face trying to pressure Remus.
“Fuck sake fine, fine ill be your date, Lily. I just need to make Leo aware of this so they don't get the wrong end of the stick” Remus replied. Remus saw Lily make a face and he was intrigued by it.
“What was that face for Lily?” he questioned her. Lily opened her mouth but no words came out. “Just cheers for being my date yeah. Dress smart and make up a lie about how you got your scars” Lily said before walking away.
Remus was confused by Lily but he shrugged his shoulders and walked to the dorm room.
Remus remembered the engagement party and the questions he got about his scars. He said it was from a car crash and the glass went into his face.
~~~~
Not long after Eli and Remus broke up, Lily confessed to Remus that Eli suspected something was going on with him and it was affecting them badly.
“I ‘ate ya Remus John Lupin and I wish I never set eyes on ya” Eli shouted at him in November of 1977 a few days after Eli found out about Sirius and Remus.
“Leo wait please let me explain” Remus called, running after Eli. The two were in Hogsmeade after everyone told them they needed to talk things out.
Eli spun around “Let ya explain. Let ya explain. Remus ya feckin’ slept with me brother. Ya cheated on me and it has been goin’ on before feckin’ 6th Year. I thought sommit was goin’ on with ya but I gave ya the benefit of the doubt”.
“Please please please. Leo I am begging you, let me explain” Remus got on his knees begging.
Eli pushed him backwards so he fell into the snow “Go ta your feckin’ boyfriend Lupin. I don't care for ya anymore and the sad reality is, I think I never did maybe I just felt sorry for ya” Eli said with venom before walking away.
Remus stayed in the snow shocked by what Eli said. He knew he shouldn't have given into Sirius charms but he couldn't help it. Remus blamed Sirius for this or the Black family gene, he just hopes he doesn't fall in love with anyone else from the Black Family.
Remus deserved what Eli said to him but he didn't expect them to be really harsh about it but it wasn't the harshest thing he heard from someone in the Black Family.
~~~~
Remus was quickly packing his bag after being told by Dumbledore to try and make the werewolves trust him.
“So ya are the traitor then. Did you have anythin’ ta do with Leo being feckin’ kidnapped?” A voice said from behind him.
“What no Sirius, I have been tasked with something by Dumbledore and I need to go now. I wouldn't harm a hair on Leo’s head” Remus replied in shock.
“Then why are ya feckin’ packin’ ta go somewhere?” Sirius questioned.
“Like I said Dumbledore has tasked me with something,” Remus said.
Remus turned around to see Sirius with a bottle in his hands and he sighed. “Padfoot I thought you stopped drinking. Why can Leo stop drinking but you can’t” Remus responded.
“Ya kiddin’ me. Ya actually feckin’ kiddin’ me. Moony, Leo is the alcoholic here, not me. The other night I had to stop them from drinkin’. I can have a drink if I want ta” Sirius replied.
Remus shook his head “You are too Padfoot. You are an alcoholic please do not deny it”.
“Am not. Now I'm off out. Ya disgust me Remus John Lupin, betraying the people who call ya family. Ya know maybe if ya join the werewolves they will truly love ya cause I don't and ya can finally be with the people ‘ho made ya” Sirius spat before walking out of the Marauders flat.
Tears rolled down Remus’s face. He thought Eli was evil when knowing where to hurt but Sirius took that too far.
Remus hated himself for lying to the people he loved but he had no other way.
He needed to do this.
He needed to take down Greyback!
Not long after Sirius left Peter walked in. “Moony, what's going on? Why did Padfoot look pissed off? He didn’t even apparate out of here, he walked out like a muggle” Peter integrated.
“Wormtail, I think you must be fucking blind because Padfoot stumbled out of here drunk with a fucking bottle of firewhiskey in his hands” Remus snapped.
“Fucking hell Moony, you didn’t have to blow up at me like that” Peter said holding his hands up.
“Sorry, Wormtail I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you” Remus replied rubbing his head in frustration.
“It's fine Moony, I sense that you and Sirius have had an argument over something but know this Moony I am always here for you” Peter replied softly.
~~~~
Wormtail was the only person who told Remus that he never hated him, making him believe that Peter was a kind man and wouldn't hurt anyone’s feelings at all.
Remus was walking in and out of the others bedrooms looking for something but he wasn't aware he was doing this as he was too deep in talking to himself and remembering the old times.
Remus barely saw James and Lily angry but when he did it was sometimes at the same time and the night after the Twins birthday party, and came back from the hospital visiting Eli all hell broke loose for them.
~~~~
The boys' dormitory door burst open, scaring Remus who was pacing up and down. “You're a right foul git you know that” James growled walking into the room and with Lily hot on his heels.
“Yes I know that but let me explain please” Remus begged, stopping in his tracks.
Lily picked up a pillow and began to hit him with it. “No… We…. Will…. Not…. Let…. You…. Explain…. You…. Damaged…. My…. Best…. Friend” she said between hits. James rushed over and tried to yank the pillow from Lily but she held on tight so James couldn't take it.
“Lils, attacking Moony will not help Leo in any shape or form. We need to let him explain properly before we do anything” James soothed.
Lily dropped the pillow but pulled out her wand and pointed it at Remus. James gently forced Lily’s arm down so she didn't do anything stupid.
“Explain Lupin or I will go against everything James has just said”
Remus gulped. “Er well Sirius was injured before 6th year and I smelt something that I smelt in first year. It was what I smelled for the love potion, which was leather and I couldn't resist kissing him. Temptation just came over me really” he replied.
“You couldn't resist it? You couldn't fucking resist it! Moony you're a smart boy, how the fuck did you fall for Padfoot? Why the fuck did you fall for Padfoot? If you falling for Padfoot and was having sex with him, why did you stay with Leo?” James integrated.
“I don't know alright, I felt like I could have them both and I mean both of them but then that would be so wrong on so many levels. I love Leo. I still do love them. It's just that Padfoot is so much more and I don't understand why that is” Remus responded.
Lily looked furious. “So you would rather have both than one of them. Fucking hell Lupin, you do realise if you did that in the muggle world because of your sexuality people would think you are greedy because believe I know what it feels like as my own sister has said it to me and then disowned me”.
James looked at Lily. “You never said that you came out to your sister and she disowned you,” he said.
“Cause it wasn't important Potter. Now I want you and E to talk once they are back in the common room and then it is up to E if they trust you again and until then I fucking hate your guts” Lily responded walking out.
“I don't hate you, Remus, I am just really disappointed in you and how you treated both Leo and Padfoot and put them against each other. A bond that was cracking a bit every year was broken in two the day Leo found out about you two. I’ll see you later” James said before following Lily out of the room.
Remus placed the pillow that Lily attacked him with and placed it on the bed it was taken from. He knew it was his fault all of this happened and he needed to make it right. So he is going to talk to Eli and hope for the best.
~~~~~
Remus did speak to Eli, he just had that memory and was confused on how some tied together but Peter and Sirius didn’t, that was the most recent memory he had from any of these.
He was walking in everyone’s bedrooms not taking in what he was doing. Many Christmas songs had come on and on but Remus didn't even notice or acknowledge it.
He must have some cruel fate or he has been lost in his own thoughts for long because the very song that made him remember everything had come back on, causing him to remember the last battle everyone faced.
~~~~
It was Christmas time and the air was crisp from the cold. The order had been sent on a mission to stop some death eaters from taking advantage of the cheerfulness of Christmas.
Remus was the first one to appear, thinking who from the main order would come.
Not long after he appeared, James and Lily apparated beside him nodding at Remus. A second later Peter and Sirius apparated looking ready for business.
“Do you think Leo will turn up?” he questioned as Eli has been acting weird for the past few months.
“Think so but ya can never tell these days with our Leo” Sirius replied looking about. It was a dark weekday so it was fifty fifty to see if Eli would turn up as Mcgonagall and Sinistra had not been asked to be present.
Death Eaters started to appear around the group of friends. “Oh Sirius, I bet you are wondering where your dear Alexis is?” Bellatrix said.
“I'm right ‘ere ya fuckin’ bitch” A northern voice was heard from behind the other Marauders.
“Ah, Alexis I thought you were not going to turn up. Thought you would be too out of it to try and stop me” Bellatrix responded.
“Well, I don't know ‘ow I would be out of it but I'm a professor so I work unlike you Bellatrix so I had to make sure my students were okay” Eli replied.
Due to Remus' hearing, he was able to hear “Never stopped you before when we had missions”, causing him to be a bit wary of Eli.
“Enough talking. Just go back to your little holes and no one will get hurt. The only death eater we know that is here is Bellatrix Lestrange so just go or I will arrest everyone but Bellatrix. I'm taking you in” James said.
Everyone looked at James like he was crazy as he walked toward Bellatrix, Bellatrix sent a curse at him. James blocked it with ease like he had prepared for it to happen.
James had this murderous look in his eyes that made Bellatrix question if it was even worth it. It wasn't every day Bellatrix Lestrange backed down from a fight.
“Let's go they ain't worth it,” she said before she apparated away and all the death eaters followed her.
James turned around grinning like he had won millions of pounds. “How the fuck did you do that Prongs?” Remus questioned.
“Just changeling a little bit of our Leo over there. You know it's really easy to pretend to be heartless and make it look realistic” James replied, hinting at what Eli is doing.
“Cheers for that Prongs. ‘Ight it's time ta go back ‘ome for everyone” Eli said. One by one the Marauders apparated back to where they came from leaving Remus alone.
He was confused about what both Prongs and Leo just did.
Did James know something about Eli that no one else knows about?
Is Leo like Bellatrix and Prongs is covering for them?
Remus had no idea what was going on. He stood in his place for a few moments before apparating back to The Marauders Flat.
~~~~
“A very Merry Christmas”. Remus laughed. Was it though?
“And a Happy New Year”. Remus just shook his head. “It will be if I could have Maya and Eli back”. He thought.
Remus laughed out loud at the next bit “Let’s hope it's a good one” the radio sang. “Don't think it will be mate”.
“Without any fears”. Remus couldn't think of anything to say for this one.
“War is over if you want it” Remus nodded at this statement.
“War is over now” and the last part was sung.
Remus came back from memory to find himself sitting on the sofa with all the stuffed animals around him. A white rabbit, a stag, a dog, a rat, and two wolves. Merlin does he miss them.
Remus began to cry. He didn't know why everyone left him. He wasn't supposed to be left on his own. He thought he would never be left alone when he first met the Marauders and they made a promise never to leave him but they did. They did leave him.
Remus for the first time in 10 years felt alone. More alone than he ever felt before because all his best memories had him being with someone he cared about. He wondered if Eli was still alive and if they were doing well and the same was with Sirius.
Remus then felt numb. He didn't know how to react when Sirius came into his head, making him feel more saddened than ever. The lonely feeling didn't go away.
No matter how hard he tried to make the memory of his friends stay alive in his head and keep him sane it really was his first Christmas alone.