Chapter Text
Can’t pretend forever
Chapter 1
Peter Parker pretends for as long as he can.
Pretends like he’s doing fine. Like he’s got this. Like his grief isn’t eating him alive, like he’s never felt so alone in his life before, like he’s holding his shit together perfectly.
He knows none of those things are true.
He’s lost everything. May, MJ, Ned, Happy, Mr Stark, everyone he’s ever cared for is either gone or doesn’t remember he even exists.
He tells himself he’s doing the right thing. He tells himself he’s protecting them, protecting Ned and MJ, because he knows he’ll always end up putting them in danger with the things he does. He’s seen the other Peter Parkers. The other Spider-Men.
He’s lost enough, he cannot bear to imagine what it would be like to lose more.
He can’t lose anyone if he doesn’t have anyone.
He throws himself into his patrols. Goes out every chance he gets, to do good, to help people, as Spider-Man. That’s all he has left, he thinks. He takes a job as a photographer for the Daily Bugle, because he likes the irony of it, and also Jameson lets him manage his own hours. He masters the art of webbing his phone to a wall to take a picture of himself mid-swing.
His heart aches imagining what Ned and MJ’s reactions to that would be.
He misses them. Misses them so fucking much.
And May.
May, his sweet, caring, loving May.
He patrols until he’s so exhausted he can barely make it to bed. He saves countless people, from mugging to theft to raping to domestic violence and more. He thinks to himself he might be trying to punish himself, or maybe make May proud, or exhaust himself enough that he has no time to think when he collapses into bed.
None of this is healthy, but he’s 18 and all alone, so he doesn’t care.
He wavers a little after six months.
He’s losing it, maybe from the lack of social interaction outside of the suit, he supposes. He thinks a lot about it. His heart is aching from missing them, so eventually he just goes for it. He takes a little too much time wondering about what outfit he should wear. He brushes his teeth twice. His heart is pounding in his chest the entire way there, just like that time all those months ago when he tried to come back and then didn’t.
It’s been so long now he doesn’t even know what he could say.
It doesn’t matter anyway, since they’ll be leaving for MIT soon.
He tears up just thinking about it – he’s been actively avoiding thinking about any of this – and almost turns back.
In the end he doesn’t.
He walks into the little deli, and there she is.
There they are.
Ned’s eating a donuts, talking animatedly about something, gesturing at the laptop in front of him. MJ’s leaning on the counter across from him, nodding slowly, doodling on a napkin, looking thoughtful.
Peter’s heart simultaneously swells and breaks in his chest when his two best friends turn to him.
MJ puts on her serious, professional face on, and walks to the register, nodding at him. “Hi, what can I get you?”
It takes Peter a moment to come up with words. He eventually manages to order a coffee, stammering a lot more than he would have wanted. His cheeks feel uncomfortably hot, his hands are clammy, his heart pounding too, and MJ is giving him a side-eye as she prepares his coffee, while Ned isn’t paying attention to him at all.
This was a terrible idea after all, Peter thinks.
“There you go, Peter Parker.”
Peter jumps in surprise, and watches in awe as MJ gives him a sheepish look to go with his coffee. “Thank you?” he utters, floored that she’d remember his name, hope fluttering in his chest like a wounded butterfly.
The coffee cup is warm in his hand, but MJ’s grin is warmer. “You’re Peter Parker, right?” she asks, accepting the cash he’s handing her and opening the register. “I remember you.”
“You do?”
He knows she doesn’t remember like he wishes she’d remember, but he still asks. He sounds too hopeful for this kind of conversation, he knows it, and MJ throws him a curious look, but he can’t bring himself to feel embarrassed about it.
Not when this is the first time in six months he’s talking to her.
MJ just shrugs, handing him his change back, and Peter’s heart skips a beat when their fingers brush. She offers him another professional grin, then nods to the coffee cup in his hands. “Maybe you should eat a little something with that, you don’t look so good.”
Peter feels himself blushing, but before he can even think of a response Ned chimes in. “Leave the poor guy be, Jones,” he says, closing his laptop, “sometimes coffee is all one needs.”
MJ scoffs but doesn’t reply anything, shaking her head with a sigh. Ned stands up, and it’s all Peter can do to stand there and watch as he announces he has to go. MJ waves him off with a little grin, telling him she’ll see him at school. Ned glares at her then, and she sighs again, and then moves from behind the counter and they do a handshake, and Peter’s heart breaks a little in his chest.
It’s not like his and Ned’s handshake, it’s different, and yet so familiar, so them that maybe he tears up a little witnessing it.
Then he has to pretend like he’s sipping on his coffee near the entrance, because both Ned and MJ turn to him then, and he thinks it’s probably a little weird for him to still be there. Neither of them comment on it though, Ned nodding at him when he walks by.
And then, before walking out the door, he turns to Peter and says: “Cool shirt dude.”
Peter glances down to see his ‘Geometry is the only thing keeping me in shape’ t-shirt, and his lips stretch into a bright smile that almost feels foreign on his face. Ned grins at him and leaves, and Peter watches as he does, all warm and fuzzy inside. He wants to run after Ned and give him the biggest bear-hug there ever was, but he doesn’t.
Instead, he turns to MJ when he hears her cough out a ‘nerds’ and she offers him a smug little grin that has his heart in shambles. They stare at each other for a second or two, and then she looks away, and he thinks he’s made her a little uncomfortable or embarrassed, so he hurries to say goodbye, and leaves the deli, almost spilling his coffee on himself as he does.
When he turns to glance back at her – because he does, because he’s weak – MJ is staring at him, looking thoughtful, biting her lower lip, and his heart feels the exact same way it does when he jumps off of a building.
And Peter thinks to himself, maybe seeing them that way, every once in a while when things get tough, well maybe it’s not so bad after all.