Work Text:
Kakashi held the dark green envelope and paced the training field.
Kakashi and Gai had a routine.
Kakashi liked routines. They were familiar. They helped him focus.
This was not routine.
Kakashi paused and took a breath in through his nose before breathing out through his mouth.
He looked down at the envelope again. It had crumpled where he had clutched it in a white-knuckled grip. His name was written on the front in familiar handwriting.
The implication of what it meant sat heavy in his chest.
It is not uncommon for active duty shinobi to leave letters when they go on a mission. Sometimes these letters are simply left in a box in the shinobi’s house. Sometimes they’re sealed so that when the shinobi’s chakra disperses, the letter appears where it should.
Sometimes they’re left in anothers’ hands for safekeeping until the time comes for them to be handed out.
Shinobi from Kakashi’s generation picked up the practice from other war veterans when they were children. Each Shinobi puts a bit of their personality into these letters. Whether it’s with clan stamps, scented perfumes, or coded language.
Kakashi is not unfamiliar with these letters.
Kakashi started pacing again. He refused to believe Gai was going to die. Refused to. So what if he had opened the eighth gate? So what if it took days for him to stabilize? Days with sakura and other medic-nin standing over him far away from a functional hospital and… Kakashi stopped and shook his head. He looked down at the envelope again. His hand was shaking.
Kakashi had very few constants in his life.
His dogs.
His mask.
His porn.
And Gai.
That was it. Kakashi could always rely on those things, to remain what they were.
After particularly bad missions Kakashi would, subtly, seek Gai out. Often finding him teaching his team in a training field that Kakashi just so happened to be passing by. He relied on Gai challenging him or sparring with him, to keep him from losing himself.
Without Maito Gai could Hatake Kakashi exist?
Kakashi paced a few more steps before he gave in and collapsed to the ground, lying there, looking up at the blue Konoha sky. It was a lovely day. Just warm enough where Kakashi didn’t have to wear additional layers and wouldn’t immediately start sweating if he decided to train. But Kakashi couldn’t enjoy it. Every piece of his attention had been stolen by this damn envelope and the letter inside.
Here was Kakashi’s dilemma.
Gai was still in the hospital.
He was doing better.
He was relatively stable.
It was starting to look like he would be okay.
But what if he isn’t?
Kakashi had been handed this envelope about a week ago by Gai’s student Lee after the battle with Madara and Obito. It was such a mundane thing to suddenly be handed that Kakashi couldn’t process it over the grief and joy and exhaustion he had waring inside of him. Now that he was back home and Gai’s outlook was not looking much better than before, he had a choice to make.
He couldn’t keep subconsciously walking by the same training grounds looking for Gai.
His routine was shattered.
There was no going back to what he had known.
With a deep breath, Kakashi sat up and took a kunai out of his pocket, using it as a letter opener. He gently unfolded the letter.
Kakashi,
You should know already what this letter means. I do not claim to be immortal but the odds are high that I died opening the eight gates much like my father Dai. I can only hope that it was not in vain.
Kakashi closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again.
Boring things first!
Everything I have goes to my students. Please split everything evenly amongst them. Of course, everything of mine that belonged to my father will go to Lee. I look to you, to continue their training and to keep an eye on them.
Kakashi smiled softly.
I would also like you to take something of mine to keep with your momentos but I do not wish you to agonize over my death. Do not put me with your ghosts, Kakashi, mourn me and move on.
Kakashi huffed a small self-deprecating laugh.
That being said, I have no regrets but for one.
I only wish I spent more time with you. You are my dearest friend and rival. I treasured every challenge we had and every moment we shared with each other. The good and the bad.
For that, I am also sorry that I will have to burden you with one last bit of knowledge.
For most of our lives, I have loved you as a brother. But more recently have come to think of you as more. I know our lives rarely lead to a future of any sort, and I know you do not seek relationships out nor want any. This is why I have stayed quiet for so long.
But I cannot think of resting peacefully, without you knowing that someone loves you.
I love you Kakashi.
Please take care.
-Maito Gai
Kakashi re-read the note again.
And again.
And again.
There was no way this was correct.
Kakashi had never written a note like this.
Kakashi had never received a note like this.
The first part sure. That’s what Kakashi’s were. Occasionally he’d joke around in one, quote some bad Icha Icha line or something. But he only ever wrote to Gai and Tenzou. So was there much of a point to saying anything heartfelt? They knew the important things… right?
Should Kakashi have been writing sentimental things in these letters this whole time?
Are they not just for willing away one’s possessions?
Oh, god.
Gai had definitely received some of those letters. He had received those cold unfeeling letters every time Kakashi had nearly died on a mission.
Probably, no especially , when he actually did die during Pein’s attack.
Kakashi had linked them to his Chakra.
Gai had received almost all of his letters.
Oh no.
Kakashi quickly body flickered out of the training field.
His first order of business was to find his Kouhai, who should be on rotation at the Hokage tower around this time.
Kakashi stalked the corridors of the tower body flickering from one floor to the next until he felt a familiar chakra in the corner of the records floor. Kakashi didn’t run, because approaching an on-duty Anbu, no matter how familiar, at a brisk pace was alarming enough. But he did walk at a quick enough pace that he saw Tenzou stiffen in alarm.
“Can we talk?”
“You’re not supposed to address me in the mask. I’m on duty. Is this an emergency?”
“Of sorts, yes.”
“Senpai,” Tenzou’s voice betrayed his concern yet annoyance, “Is this an emergency.”
“No. yes. Please. Just for a moment. I’m sure Ram will be able to handle records for ten minutes. Tops.”
Tenzou sighed and looked quietly at Ram who shrugged and nodded.
“You get five minutes,” Tenzou said as he grabbed Kakashi’s arm and body flickered them to the roof. “Go.”
“Ahh,” Kakashi’s words disappeared.
“Senpai. Something had you distressed enough to come and find me on duty to talk about it. You looked like a spooked cat. Please just tell me what’s going on.”
“Gai wrote me a letter.”
“And?”
“It was a final letter.”
“And? You’re friends aren’t you?”
“I read it.”
“You read it?”
“Yes. And it’s not a normal letter.”
“How do you mean?”
“It’s… sentimental.”
“It’s not a will?”
“No, it is. But it’s also a confession.” Kakashi fidgeted from one foot to another.
“Oh.” Tenzou paused, “Why did you need to talk to me about this?”
“I need to know if you read any of my final letters.”
“Of course.”
“Of course…. How many?”
“All of them that I received that I could read.”
Kakashi groaned.
“Then Gai definitely read them as well.”
“Probably. Senpai, why is this so important?”
“Because my letters were so impersonal.”
“And why does that bother you now? You were protecting yourself. You had to have known from the beginning that most people weren’t just saying, And my porn collection goes to my Kouhai .”
“There are some very valuable items in that collection!”
“You’re deflecting. Think hard Senpai, why does it bother you?”
“Because,” The words died on Kakashi’s lips. Because I love him.
“So what are you going to do about it?”
“What should I do?”
“I think you should talk to him.”
“I can’t. He’s still in an induced coma.”
“So do the next best thing. Write him a letter.”
“But he won’t read it.”
“So read it to him when he’s better.”
“But what if he doesn’t get better?”
“Kakashi,” Tenzou took Kakashi’s shoulders in his hands and shook him slightly, “He has the best medics in the shinobi world working on him. He’s survived this long doing insane things. He opened the eight gates. If he isn’t dead yet he won’t be dying any time soon. He’s more stubborn than you.”
Kakashi nodded numbly.
“Good, crisis over? I’m going back to work now.” And with that Tenzou body flickered away.
Kakashi sat on the roof for a few moments looking out across the city. For the first time in a very long time, he was looking at the future as a possibility instead of a terrible pitch-black nothingness. With a new resolve, he started to make his way home.
He had a letter to write.
Gai recovered. Kakashi visited him often between diplomatic missions and preparing to take the Hokage seat. On the day of his release from the hospital, Kakashi went with Gai’s students and helped to push him home. Gai was still tired. Though he did his best to mask it with his loud nothings and urging Lee to keep talking about the things he had missed during his extended hospital stay. When they reached his apartment and they got him settled, Ten-ten took the hint and pulled Lee away to allow Gai to rest.
It was quiet as Gai lay in his bed and watched Kakashi fidget with this and that.
“Do you need any water?”
“No, I’m quite alright.”
“Are you hungry? I can pop down to the store and-”
“Kakashi, I’m fine.” Gai put up a hand and stopped Kakashi from once again adjusting his pillow. He smiled at him before saying, “You read my letter.”
Kakashi nodded as he sat down on the edge of the bed.
“I did.”
“Nothing has to change Kakashi. I am still your rival, your friend.”
“You are.” Kakashi nodded again. He could practically taste his heartbeat at this point.
“So there is nothing to be so nervous about.”
They sat in silence for a bit longer until Kakashi couldn’t take it anymore. Without looking at Gai he asked,
“Did you read them?”
“Read what?”
“My letters.”
“Open my hallway closet. There’s a small box up on the top shelf.” Kakashi looked at Gai then for a few moments before standing and going to collect the box. He brought it over to him.
“Open it.” Kakashi sat back down on the bed and opened the box.
Inside were dozens of letters. Many of which were opened. A large stack, the majority of the letters in the box, were bound together with a single piece of twine. Unopened. Kakashi recognized them instantly.
“You never read them?”
“I always believed you’d come home.”
Kakashi laughed slightly, “That’s pretty foolish.”
“Yes. I am a fool.”
“Who else is in here?”
“My father. Genma. Ebisu. Neji. Choza. A few comrades of ours who wanted someone to write to. As you know, not all of them are dead.”
“I wrote you another one.”
“Oh?”
“Tenzou thinks I should read it to you.”
“Is it a final letter?”
“No. It’s… it’s different.”
“Then I would like to hear it.”
Kakashi climbed onto the bed some more, sitting cross-legged facing Gai he pulled out a crumpled piece of paper that had dozens of words written and crossed out on it. The seven words that remained uncrossed merely read,
“My dearest Gai,
I love you too.”