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It had been different ever since that winter break had ended their sophomore year. The tension, even after all the years, was still high among the group of poets; and things were always treated fairly lightly. It was never spoken about really, but Neil was just fine now. He was fine. That was what they all tried to remind themselves. He was seeing someone, he was on medication. Sometimes it never felt like anything was going to be enough.
They were all close, running around New York City at their various colleges studying medicine, law, banking, and the likes of it. Even after everything they’d all been through, the only one who was pursuing what they truly wanted to was Todd. He was studying English at Columbia, a fish in the ocean among them all.
Out of them all, in some way, Todd had taken Neil's attempt the hardest. He had gone from feeling included by his new peers to feeling all alone, and he hated it. He hated that cold December day more than anything. He hated thinking of how he’d felt that day in the hospital, his eyes holding so many tears and his throat holding words he could never say. It was years ago, but he couldn’t forget that day. And he couldn’t forget how he’d never said anything.
He and Neil shared an apartment now, and although it felt like things were finally getting to some sort of normalcy; Todd knew better than to trust his gut. They were never going to go back to the way things had been before that December. Bold touches and flirting eyes and close quarters making everybody’s hair stood on end. Todd was still not sure if he’d dreamed that whole fall up.
Because, truth be told, Todd would have done anything to have his roommate light up like he used to. Even after everything he’d been through, Neil's eyes always held a darkness behind them, as if he was a little wiser beyond his years. Perhaps, he was. He was always hung over a textbook, and as they were rarely alone in their apartment between their school friends and the Poets coming in and out, it felt strange when they were together by themselves.
"You okay?" Todd asked, looking up over his bowl of soup to watch Neil from the seat next to him at their small table.
"I'm fine, Todd." Neil looked at him, nodding.
"I just wanted to make sure. You're my-”
Neil cleared his throat uncomfortably, stopping Todd from his further explanation. "I'm okay, Todd. You know that. I've been fine for years now."
"Okay," Todd nodded, and the conversation was dropped. “How did you…”
“You always get this look when you’re thinking about it. I can just tell. I’m okay. Really.”
Todd looked back down at his manuscript spread in front of him, letting his mind wonder back to what had happened a few weeks ago. They had both been drunk, and Todd had tried to keep his distance ever since. There was so much distance, too much; and it felt as though it was going to be impossible to swim across that ocean they’d created between them.
Neil had told him that he loved him. But they had been alone, holed up in their small excuse of a living room after the poets had left their party. It had been instigated by Charlie in the first place, who wanted to throw Meeks a surprise birthday party, as Meeks was the last one of the group to turn twenty-two.
" Sometimes I feel like I can only love you when we're alone, Todd. I love you, you know that? " Todd could still hear Neil's voice ringing in his head, could still feel Neil's warm lips pressed to his own.
The sudden warm contact of Neil's hand on his knee pulled Todd back into the present. "Are you okay?" Neil countered, raising an eyebrow.
"Uh, I'm fine, yeah." Todd answered, wondering if Neil could hear his pounding heart. They were almost twenty three, and he still felt like a stupid teenager with a crush. Neil obviously had no memory of what he had said and done while he was drunk, and Todd was never going to tell him. But with how they’d both been acting, maybe they both remembered. He didn’t want to lose him now. Not after he’d said it back. “ I love you, Neil. I love you, I love you, I love you. ”
Neil removed his hand, wondering if Todd could hear his own beating heart. Things had felt awkward between them ever since that party Charlie had started at their apartment, the I love you’s were hanging thickly in the air. But things had never really been the same since that December day. It tore him up, knowing how much pain he'd put his friends through.
After the boys had finished up their dinners, they went separate ways, as they had been doing the past few months. Todd holed himself up in his room with his manuscript, and Neil poured himself into his medical homework.
The time quickly clicked away to midnight, and Todd was still walking around his room, trying in vain to write another page for his manuscript. A knock on his door scared him so badly he let out a yelp, his papers he was holding cascading to the floor.
"Todd?" Neil asked, poking his head inside the door. "I want to talk to you."
"Oh, uh, Neil. What's the matter?" Todd asked, frantically trying to pick up the papers.
"What's been going on with us? I know things have always been different since... you know. But these past few months... I just feel like I'm on a completely different planet from you."
"I hadn't really noticed." Todd answered, trying to feign a casual tone.
"You're a terrible actor." Neil laughed, his lips curling into a smile. It went away nearly as quickly as it had come.
"I've just been stressed, I guess. I'm under all these deadlines from my editor."
"I know that's not why."
"I doesn't really matter." Todd mumbled, putting his papers carefully together on his desk.
"You’re my best friend. You can tell me anything. You know that, right?"
"I know. I know.”
"What happened?"
"It's not important," Todd mumbled, looking down at his hands, at the rug, at anything but Neil.
“Yes it is. I told you that I loved you.”
All the air seemed to escape from Todd’s chest as he looked up at Neil’s warm eyes. He looked just as scared as Todd did.
"I told you I love you. Then you told me you loved me, and we kissed. We did a lot more than kissing too."
"Neil..."
"I want to talk about it, alright? I’ve got to talk about it.”
“You remember that?”
“Don’t say that. We weren’t that drunk. Neither of us were.”
Todd felt tears build up in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” He found himself tumbling to say, a sob threatening to escape his lips.
“What are you sorry for? Do you regret it?”
“No! No. No, I don’t.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I just can’t talk about it now, alright? Just give me some time.”
“How much time are you going to need?”
“I don’t know. Just give me tonight, at least.”
“Sure. Tonight.”
“Tonight.”
Neil’s eyes flickered down to Todd’s lips for a moment, and then he was scrambling out of the room, hopeful that things would just be better in the morning. That they could both be honest with themselves. That they could talk and figure everything out. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Neil's feet felt like lead. He had told Todd that he loved him. He wanted to talk about it! Of course, he loved him. But the fact that he’d told him, that was enough courage to sustain him for the rest of his life. He hadn’t ever planned to tell him. And he was quite sure Todd had never planned to tell him either, because the next morning, instead of being wrapped in Todd’s arms, he’d woken up to a cold bed.
Mostly, Neil just felt stupid. A few weeks ago, he and Todd had been drunk and gone barhopping with Charlie. They'd met up with some girls Neil knew from med school, and they'd all had some long nights afterwords. He tried to keep face whenever he could. Charlie got too talkative in public whenever they drank, and he had to keep up appearances. He figured Todd did too.
He hadn't noticed he was still standing in the hallway until Todd had come out of his room a few moments later, his face tear stained.
“Todd?”
"Neil, I’m sorry." Todd placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, and Neil turned towards him, feeling like the wind had been kicked out of him. "I'm still your friend. I know you didn't mean it. We're good. I have been stressed about my manuscript—"
Neil didn't let Todd finish his thought as he kissed him. He’d wanted to kiss him since that night. He didn’t know what words were pouring out of Todd’s mouth. He was lying. He had to be. The way they looked at each other. The way he’d always been so careful with him. It was impossible for him to not feeling the burning, white-hot feeling that Neil felt just as deeply for him. His lips were soft and Neil couldn't think about anything except the fact that he had wanted this for so many years. Todd felt a bit reluctant on his lips, as if he was nervous.
But Neil was no fragile, dying man. Not anymore, at least. So Neil kissed him a bit harder, wanting to prove to Todd that he was there. He was right in front of him, kissing him. When Todd finally kissed back, Neil could have sworn he hadn't been on as much of a high since he'd played Puck.
"I love you," Neil pulled away, breathless.
" Neil ," Todd murmured, "Neil, just... just don't say that, okay? We really are fine. You don't have to do this."
“What are you talking about?”
“You don’t have to kiss me, okay?”
“What?”
“You don’t have to say all this stuff to me okay?”
“Todd,” Neil’s throat felt like it was going to give out. “I love you. I love you. Why are you saying this?”
“Because I’m… I…”
“What?”
“I’m never going to be enough for you. And I love you, but I’ll never be able to tell anybody that except for you. And it’s just… it’s not enough for me. If I am going to love you, I want to do it boldly, and for the rest of my life.”
Their hallway light was on, casting a yellow haze over the darkness that they generally lived in in their apartment.
"Neil?" Todd asked, and Neil looked at him, all tender eyes and hard features.
"Todd?" Neil's voice sounded raw.
"I—you know we can't…you're going to be a doctor. I'm going to be an author.” The words coming out all sounded stupid. "Look, all I'm saying is that I can't... I can't love you, because it's illegal, and if I did, if I did it how I wanted to, I would jeopardize your whole career."
"I don't want to be a doctor. You know that."
"I know. But that's what you're doing, and I don’t want to be in your way.”
“You wouldn’t be in my way, Todd. There’s a place where we can be together. Where we can not worry about any of that.”
“Maybe for me. I can write sonnets and poems and novels about you. But you’re under a microscope every day. I don’t want you to…” His voice trailed off, uncommitting to what he was going to say.
“You don’t want me to what?”
“I love you. But I don’t want you to have to settle for me when you’re just starting your entire career. There’s going to be other people you’re going to love.”
"Why are you saying this?”
Todd was silent.
“Why are you saying this?”
“I’m scared you’re going to get sick of me. Just like everybody has.”
“What?”
“I’m scared you’re going to-”
“I heard you. Who got sick of you?”
“My family. Everybody at Balingcrest-”
“Who got sick of you that you still love?”
Todd looked at him, no words coming out of his mouth.
“Todd, dear, everyone that loves you now will always love you. I’m always going to love you.”
“I’m sorry,” Todd looked down at his hands, feeling like he couldn’t get anything out.
“Don’t apologize. I want to talk about everything. I want everything in the world with you.”
“Neil, I have loved you since I was sixteen, but you know we can't possibly be together.”
"I love you," Todd averted his eyes, "But if anyone found out—" He looked back to meet Neil's warm eyes, and hated that they were full of tears. That despite how much they loved each other, if they’d ever talk about it again, they would always circle back to this topic one way or another. "You know we can't. My parents... your parents."
Neil dropped his eyes, and both were silent a moment. Then, he looked at him carefully. "I know." He hung his head, then looked back to Todd, his eyes full of tears. "But I love you." He said, like the words had been stuck inside of him for a hundred years.
"I love you too." Todd repeated to him, wanting him so desperately to know how much love he had for him. How much everything he did was influenced by him.
“Why do we have to say anything to anybody about it?” He asked, tears mostly gone. He looked bold.
“Appearances, right? And the war. The draft.”
“I don’t care about any of that, dammit. I only care about you.”
“But what about…”
“Todd,” Neil sighed, putting his hands out. He put a hand on Todd’s chest, another on the back of his neck. “I love you, okay? I don’t care how hard it is. Or what lies we have to tell. I love you, and I want to be with you.”
“I love you, Neil.”
Neil smiled in response, a sigh of relief escaping his lips. “You’re the writer. You’ve always been good with words. If you want to, we’ll say something one day. We will.”
“Some day, yeah.” Todd shifted a bit from the contact, pulling Neil closer to him, his finger threading into his belt loops. He hadn’t yet changed out of his jeans.
“Kiss me.” Neil breathed, his pupils blown. “Kiss me so I know this isn’t a dream. I don’t ever want to wake up from this one.”
“I’m right here.” Todd said, his hands sculpting around Neil’s back and up into his hair, cradling him gently. “I’m right here.”