Chapter Text
Teyvat Academy! The *only* place where the best can become better!
The commercial displayed a video of the esteemed building, displaying its many activities and curriculums.
“What a joke, huh?” my brother glanced over, “I heard the recruitment for the school is insane.”
Sign up for a chance to be recruited today!
A phone number flashed prominently on the screen. More of these ads seemed to be popping up towards the end of summer.
“Yeah… but the reward for completing those school years is also insane. A guarantee for you to have a successful life,” I responded, as he shut the TV off.
“Are you excited for our new school year? In an actual school that can teach you things you can use?” he asked, mocking Teyvat Academy.
“Definitely!”
…
OW.
I banged my head against something. Well, at least it was soft.
Wait, huh?
I got up. In a bed .
Last night, I had…
Uh…
I sat up in a panic.
HOW DID I GET HERE??
Throwing away the blankets from the strangely comfortable bed, I got up and onto the floor.
The bedroom looked like a standard hotel bedroom, a twin-sized bed, a desk, closet, bathroom…
And a super creepy monitor in the corner of the room.
Okay.
I’m in an unknown bedroom, with no knowledge how I got here… and it has some kind of monitor mounted in it. Is that a camera..?
“Hey!! Is anyone watching?!” I yelled into the monitor. No response.
Maybe the door will work. If this is just a place I had slept in, surely the talented Lumine could find a way out.
I walked over to the door and grabbed the handle.
Unfortunately, it didn’t budge.
“Godamnit!” I said in frustration. Aether would have my head if he heard me swear.
Aether?
That’s right, my brother. He must be worried about me! I instinctively went into my pockets for my phone and- I have no pockets.
What am I wearing?
It was a white dress, decorated with (fake?) gems and some star symbols. I had never seen this dress in my life.
Right, my phone...
How did I manage losing a phone?
Aether’s going to have my head after-
Thunk!
Something had slammed into my door.
“Is someone out there?” I shouted through the door. No noise came through to my side.
*Bzzzzzzzz*
I turned around to see the monitor awaken.
The screen displayed a countdown, and I watched quietly until it hit zero.
It showed a… child, who was sitting at a desk. A text began to flash on the top of the screen, like a news broadcast.
Happy holidays to all who celebrate… holidays! In other news, a new shoe store opens up…
The text on the top of the screen was useless text, just displaying random things.
A shrill voice made me jump.
The child had begun to talk.
“Hello new vic- er, I mean, students. I’m sure you’re all confused on how exactly you got here, but don’t worry! Welcome to Teyvat Academy!”
...what? Is that child their mascot?
I stood there in disbelief.
“Your doors will be unlocked… momentarily,” the child said, “Please proceed to the gym, otherwise there will be, well, unintended consequences .”
I didn’t sign up for Teyvat Academy. I never even applied! How did I end up here?
Hearing a click from the door, I decided to go to the gym. I had no idea what the “unintended consequences” were, and I definitely did not want to find out.
The hallway was filled with other people whom I assume actually had signed up for this prestigious school.
It was a mismatch of outfits and height, with some of the students being considerably taller than the others, with around four guys seeming to be competing for the tallest.
I abstained from any chat with the other students, as they seemed to do the same, looking at each other with suspicion.
Well, everyone except one of the tall guys.
He had choppy orange hair and wouldn’t shut up about his entire life story.
I tuned out to his ramblings and instead opted to look at my surroundings.
The hallway full of bedrooms had opened up into a tall main area, complete with a fountain that had a statue of the child from the monitor.
“The gym is that way!” orange haired dude said, “See! It clearly says gym!”
The monitor turned on again.
“Hurry up and stop blabbering! Paimon’s patience is thinning!”
Paimon… what a name.
After everyone had arrived in the gym, the doors slammed shut behind us.
The gym had a wooden floor, and near the back was a stage and a podium on it. The podium had a star-shaped emblem embedded on it.
Everyone stared quietly at the podium, and even the orange haired guy had shut up.
“Heeeeeeeeeello!!!!”
The child, or Paimon , appeared on top of the podium.
It was floating above it.
I rubbed my eyes as Paimon began to squeak again.
“Is everyone here? Great, good, swell! Paimon will now get things rolling!”
“First, an introduction. Paimon is Paimon, and is also Teyvat Academy’s mascot!”
What school in their right mind would have this thing as its mascot?
“I don’t remember seeing you on the flyer,” someone with a witch hat commented.
“I’m so glad to see you all here together! Ahahahaha,” Paimon ignored the witch’s comment, “I can’t wait to get started!”
“Start with what?” someone asked from the crowd.
“Start with your new communal life that will solely take place inside this building for the rest of your puny human lives!”
After a few seconds, the words finally sank in.
The crowd shouted in protest, me included.
“Everyone will live in harmony together while following the rules and regulations created by me!” Paimon said, its voice barely heard due to the shouting.
After a minute or so, it quieted down a bit.
“What bullshit is this?! A practical joke?” orange haired dude chimed up again.
“Oh, Paimon assures you, this is no joke! Paimon is 100 per-cent serious! You’ll be living your lives here, without any contact from the outside world!” Paimon said gleefully, “No matter how much screaming and yelling you get up to, help will not come!”
Paimon laughed again.
“If, well, you don’t want to stay here forever… well, there is a way to exit. Paimon’s generously created a special clause for those of you who would like to leave!” Paimon stated, reading some paper it had grabbed from the podium.
“So? What is it?” a blue-haired dude asked.
“If you really wanna know sooo bad, Paimon will tell you! The clause would be completed if…
One person would go out of their way to murder someone else.”
“M-Murder?!” the blue-haired guy stuttered.
Other people also followed the gasp.
Murder?
This… child, or robot, or mascot wants us to murder someone to leave?!
“Yes, muder! Stabbing, drowning, suffocating, hanging… etc. Any way that would result in a fellow student’s death, intentionally or unintentionally,” Paimon stated nonchalantly, “And since you’re here forever… you can do as much murder as you want! Go on a killing spree and commit some felonies!”
“Shut up.”
“Eh?” Paimon turned around to see orange haired boy standing in front of the podium.
“You’re just a joke, aren’t you?” he said, and without missing a beat, punched off Paimon’s head.
“AHHH!” someone screamed from the crowd.
Paimon’s body remained floating, as destroyed wires crackled in its neck.
So Paimon is a… robot?
An overhead speaker turned on.
“Violence against the mascot is in violation of school regulations!”
Orange haired guy gasped as machine guns descended from the ceiling, all pointed at him.
“Ah…”
He stared angrily at the guns, retreating into a fighting stance.
The rest of us were also silent.
“Thankfully, Paimon doubts you’d know the rules. So Paimon has decided to not end you, for now,” another robot version of the mascot had appeared, and was now hovering above the podium. The one missing a head fell to the floor.
We watched the guns ascend back into the roof.
“Speaking of the rules, Paimon has decided to give you all a gift!” Paimon said, and grabbed something from under the podium.
How do those two things connect?
“Special gifts from Teyvat Academy! Your very own… Paipads! Complete with rules and a map!” Paimon said, and started handing out the “Paipads”.
“Gifts from Teyvat Academy? So you’re saying that the glorified college we applied to is sponsoring this killing game ?” the witch from earlier asked.
“Welll… yes and no,” Paimon answered, and refused to go further in detail.
I decided to check out the Paipad.
There were four categories, each labeled by a different picture. There was a map, document, face, and a magnifying glass. Curious, I clicked on the magnifying glass. It gave a beep, and a message that read “Unavailable”.
Before I could continue investigating the other apps, Paimon began to speak again.
“Well, Paimon will go now! Have fun investigating your forever home! While, perhaps, planning a murder!”
Paimon went under the podium, and the doors from behind us unlocked.
Many people chose to leave the gym, while a few remained here.
Before going to explore, I decided to check out the rest of the apps available on the Paipad. The map one, well, displayed a map of the place.
It showed the bedrooms, gym, a laboratory, thrift shop, clinic, bathrooms, a single classroom, storage rooms, and a cafeteria. Thrift shop? A lab? What kind of murder resort is Paimon running?
I then clicked onto the document, which displayed the rules that Paimon had created. It read:
Rule #1: Students must live at the Ultimate Academy for the remainder of their foreseeable future.
Rule #2: Once a murder takes place, all surviving students must participate in a class trial. The murderer will be known as the “blackened”.
Rule #3: If the blackened is exposed during the class trial, they alone will be executed.
Rule #4: If the blackened is not exposed, all remaining students will be executed.
Rule #5: If the blackened survives the class trial, they will graduate and re-enter the outside world.
Rule #6: The killing game and class trials will continue until only two surviving students remain.
Rule #7: "Nighttime" is from 11 p.m. to 8 a.m. The thrift shop and clinic is off-limits at night.
Rule #8: Paimon will never directly commit a murder.
Rule #9: Violence toward Paimon, the mascot of the Teyvat Academy, is strictly prohibited.
Rule #10: Your Paipads are very important items. Please do not damage them (or we could get sued!)
Rule #11: The "Body Discovery Announcement" will play when three or more students discover a body.
Rule #12: Further, there may be new additions to the school rules according to the convenience of the mascot.
Blackened? Class trial? This is crazy…
I finally checked out the app with a face on it. It showed a list of silhouettes, except for one: me. Some text on the top read: Go commune with fellow students to unlock their profile!
The image of me had revealed two things when I clicked on it: one, that it was super creepy that someone (or something) had created a profile page on me, and two, I had been labeled as the Ultimate Transfer Student.
“Transfer Student”?! Really? That’s the best this damn institution could come up with?
“Hey.”
I looked up to see a short blue-haired woman facing me.
“Oh, uh, yeah?” I responded, “What do you need?”
“I have looked over every single person that was considered for an ultimate before I had gloriously arrived, and you were not considered for anything,” she stated, “So. Was it you who trapped us all here?”
“Eh..? No, no. It’s true that I never applied to Teyvat Academy, but-”
“I, Eula, will enact vengeance on you for forcing us to participate in this-”
“Wait! Wait, I did not do this! Did you say your name was Eula?” I interrupted Eula’s interruption of my sentence from before, “So… What’s your ultimate?”
“Why should I tell you anything?” Eula asked, crossing her arms.
“My name is Lumine! The Paipad says that I’m the Ultimate Transfer Student, so there! I introduced myself, soooo you should introduce yourself too!” I said, trying to bargain with her.
“Actually, I’d rather go and plan my vengeance. Bye,” Eula said, and walked out of the gym. Geez.
My Paipad beeped, and I checked the face section again. This time, a portrait of Eula was available. It also displayed her ultimate which was… the Ultimate Heir .
That’s what her skills are? Being a heir? No wonder she didn’t want to introduce herself.
There was one other person in the gym, that being the witch who had spoken up earlier.
She was investigating the podium.
“Hey, so… what are you doing?” I asked, looking over her shoulder. She was trying to pry the star off the podium.
“Shhh! This is all- about- the will- of the mind!” she shushed me, while pulling harder on the star.
“I don’t think the star is going to come off that easily,” I said, “It’s probably embedded there.”
“No! This star clearly means something! As soon- as it comes off, I can check its meaning in my journal!” she kept trying to pull it off.
“Journal?” I asked.
“Yeah, duh! My astrology journal! After all, shouldn’t the Ultimate Astrologer be the one to decode the reason why we are trapped here? The stars will tell of our future escape!” she exclaimed, finally giving up on trying to pry the star off.
“The Ultimate Astrologer, huh?”
“I’d prefer if you’d address me by my real title, The Great Astrologist Mona Megistus!” Mona announced, then looked closer at my dress, “Wait. You share the star symbols with the podium!”
“Hold- hold on, don’t get too excited. I’ve never seen this dress in my life,” I said, which definitely made Mona disappointed by the look on her face.
“Don’t worry, you don’t have to share your secrets. Only fate shall reveal them. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to go back to trying to retrieve this star,” Mona stated, and turned back to trying to pry the star off.
I checked my Paipad, and sure enough, Mona’s profile had become available.
Leaving Mona alone, I exited the gym to explore the rest of our prison.
My attention was called immediately to the fountain of Paimon, where one of its arms had fallen to the ground.
How the hell did that happen?
Walking over to check it out, I saw another student. He was wearing some steampunk-looking goggles, and was trying to get something from under the arm.
“What are you trying to do?” I asked, walking up to him. He jumped at the sound of my voice, almost falling into the fountain.
“Hah, you startled me,” he said, “I’m… trying to get my boot from under this arm.”
“How did that manage to happen?” I asked, now very concerned.
“This arm came crashing down from the statue, almost landing on top of me. Thankfully, just my boot was a victim. It’s just my luck,” he sighed, and pointed to half of the boot that was visible.
“I can help,” I said, and bent down to grab the boot. It easily slid out from under the arm. It was that easy?!
“Thank you so much for your help! Can I ask for your name?” he asked, bowing.
“Oh, yeah! I’m Lumine, the Ultimate Transfer Student. Nice to meet you,” I said, shaking the guy’s hand, “What about your name?”
“I’m Bennett, the, uh, Ultimate Unlucky Student. Nice to meet you too,” he said, “I got into this academy by pure dumb luck. I applied to join Teyvat Academy, but my name somehow got erased from the list six times!”
“Maybe you should stay away from this Paimon statue for a while,” I suggested, and Bennett nodded in agreement.
“I’ll go find someplace where I won’t get injured by accident. Farewell!” Bennett stated. I doubt that there’s a place around here where that can’t happen.
I watched as he almost opened the doors to the clinic, but turned away at the last second. That clinic probably has lots of ways to kill someone, if Paimon really wanted this killing game to happen.
Suprisingly, the clinic was not full of murder weapons.
“Oh! Hello, are you injured?” a girl wearing different parts of white armor came up to me, holding a strip of gauze.
“No, I’m just exploring the school,” I responded. The other girl in the room sighed in disappointment.
“Alright! Let me introduce myself, just in case you ever need help! I’m Noelle, the Ultimate Caretaker . If you ever need me, just give me a call!” she smiled, and shook my hand. Ultimate Caretaker, huh? Wouldn’t that just be a maid?
“Are you sure you’re not injured..? I can plan a funeral for you if you are!” the other girl in the room came up to me, holding a coupon of some sort, “After all, you never know when your brain could go KABLAM !”
Ehh?? A funeral?
“Hu Tao, you can’t just go around saying you’ll plan everyone’s funeral!” Noelle said, turning around to who I assumed as Hu Tao.
“Why not?” Hu Tao questioned, and then put the coupon she was carrying in my hand, “Here, have one for free!”
The coupon advertised: 50% off your next funeral! Please redeem this by talking to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor Director on your next visit!
“Next funeral?” Does she think I go around dying? More than once?!
Noelle sighed, and started investigating the closet in the back of the room.
“The Ultimate Mortician is here at your service! Take a couple of these and give them to others, ok? Maybe I'll let you have an extra discount!” Hu Tao said cheerfully, and pulled out more coupons and shoved them into my arms, “Now go! Spread the word!”
She pushed me out of the clinic and shut the doors behind me.
The only one who I could think of that would need these coupons is Bennett… Just kidding, these are going in the trash.
Hopefully there was some sort of recycling in the cafeteria, which would probably be the room that a trashcan was most needed for.
As I walked in, I saw two people chatting with each other. After I had successfully thrown away the funeral coupons, I approached the two.
“Holdeth on. Thou th're. What didst thee throweth hence?” a girl wearing some kind of fancy purple and black dress turned to me. What did she say?
“She wants to know what you threw away,” a tall blue-haired dude with an eyepatch next to her said.
“Oh. It was just some coupons for a funeral,” I answered. How did he know what she said??
“I believeth not thee. Giveth me thy nameth, peasant!” the purple princess commanded, striking a pose.
My name?
“I’m Lumine, the Ultimate Transfer Student,” I said. The princess gave a huff.
“Transfer Student?” the eyepatch guy questioned, “How is that an ultimate? I can see why Fischl is suspicious of you.”
“Fischl?” I asked, “I feel like I’ve heard that name before…”
“Thee knoweth the Prinzessin der Verurteilung?” Fischl glanced suspiciously at me, before turning to eyepatch dude, “What about thee, Kaeya? Doth thee knoweth who is't I am?”
“I haven’t heard of you before today, so, no. My name is Kaeya, if you haven’t inferred that by now. My Paipad has no idea what Ultimate I have, and neither do I,” he said, and shook my hand.
The eyepatch duo then continued their conversation about some raven, so I decided to go explore the kitchen after looking at their profiles on the Paipad.
Sure enough, Kaeya’s ultimate spot was left blank, while Fischl’s read “Ultimate Roleplayer ”. So Fischl isn’t really a princess? Huh...
The kitchen was filled with boxes of what I assumed would be food (or ingredients), one guy who was looking through a box, and another who was just leaning against the wall.
The one leaning against the wall glanced at me when I came in, while the one digging through the box had not noticed I had entered.
“What are you doing..?” I asked the one digging through the box, walking up to him.
“Looking for alcohol! Diluc over there promised to make me a drink if I could find some in these boxes there!” he said, “This one is just filled with cheese…”
“A drink? Why?” I asked.
“He’s the Ultimate Barista ! I promised I would play him a song after the drink was served, but he seemed opposed to that.”
I watched the dark blue haired guy dig through a few more boxes to no avail.
“What’s your name, then?” I asked, wanting to get out of the kitchen as I was contributing nothing.
“Oh! I kinda forgot to do that, huh? I’m Venti! The Ultimate Bard ! I would play a song for you, but I have no idea where my lyre is,” Venti said, and shrugged, “I’ll probably find it sooner or later.”
“Ah, alright,” I stated, and looked back at Diluc, who was now observing his Paipad. Yeah. I’m done here.
I exited the kitchen and the cafeteria, and looked at my Paipad for where I should go next. I hadn’t been to the thrift shop or lab, so I decided to go to the shop first. It was right next to the clinic, and I could already see some people gathered inside.
When I entered the shop, a little bell rang, alerting the others of my presence.
“Why, hello there,” a guy with platinum blonde hair with a red streak was the first to notice me enter.
“Hello! So, what’s in the thrift shop..-”
I quieted down, as it seems he had stopped listening to me and gone off into space.
“Ah, sorry. I was enjoying the wind,” he said, looking off into the distance, “So. What did you need?”
“I was just wondering what, uh, items are here,” I said. Enjoying the wind?? What wind??
“Knives, blindfolds, cups, poisons, rope… a lot of murder weapons. There’s also some lyre that’s resting on the back,” he said calmly. Would that be Venti’s lyre? I should tell him about that- KNIVES??
“Paimon really wants a murder to happen, huh?” I said, “Oh, by the way, I’m Lumine.”
“What an illuminating name,” he chuckled, “I’m Kazuha. Ultimate Poet . Glad to make your acquaintance.”
“Yeah, you too,” I said, but Kazuha had already drifted to the fourth dimension.
I walked further into the shop, seeing someone else leaning against the window, bored.
“Do you have a book for me?” the blue-haired boy said, noticing that I was staring at him.
“I don’t, sorry. To be fair, I haven’t seen a book around anywhere,” I said, and he sighed.
“It’s fine. I never go anywhere without a book, and yet I did not wake up with one. What a shame,” he sighed, “I hoped there would be one in here, but there’s nothing but murder weapons.”
“What’s with your obsession with books?” I asked. He seems like a nerd.
“Well, I’m the Ultimate Mystery Novelist . I don’t spend much time writing, though. Just reading and getting new ideas. I do have a couple best sellers, but they aren’t even popular in my region!” he ranted, “It’s unfortunate.”
“What’s your name? Maybe I’ve heard of you before,” I said. I’ve read books! There’s a chance I could know him.
“I’m Xingqiu. Does that ring a bell?” He asked, and I shook my head, “That sucks.”
“I’m sure someone here must have heard of your works, right?” I said.
“Probably. Maybe there’s a book in my room!” Xinqiu said, not taking a word I said to heart. I watched as he left the shop.
*Thunk*
I heard something fall over in the shop, along with someone swearing.
I turned around the corner of one of the shelves to see a box of knives that had fallen on the floor, with a woman standing over it.
“Oh, hey. Do you think you could help me pick up these knives? I accidentally, uh, pushed it over,” she said, and picked up a few knives and put it into the box.
“Yeah, for sure!”
We both spent the next few minutes picking up the knives while avoiding being injured.
“Thanks,” she said, “I was going to examine one of the knives, but I ended up knocking over the box.”
“No problem!” I said, and then her words sunk in. Examine a knife???
“Why are you looking at me like I’m about to murder you?” the woman asked, and then chuckled, “Oh, the knife. Right.”
“I’m Rosaria, the Ultimate
Vigilante
. I’ve had experience with knives before, so I had decided to check them out,” Rosaria said, “Just know not to get between me and my business and you’ll be fine.”
“...Alright,” I said, and decided to walk away nonchalantly, making up an excuse.
She’s going to kill someone. Definitely.
The only place I hadn't checked would be the lab, not counting the various bathrooms and spare storage closet, where I doubted anyone would be.
Before I entered the lab, I heard a shout from it.
I ran in to find a scene that looked like something had exploded, covering some parts of the wall with indistinguishable goo.
“You should have added something other than that,” a green haired girl said, at the orange haired boy from earlier, who looked sorry.
“I didn’t know it would explode!” he said, “Just- let’s try this material!”
“Oh, hello. Are you here to watch the carnage as well?” I turned around to see a man with dark brown hair and orange tips standing next to the door.
“So… what exactly is going on?” I asked him, and we laughed.
“Sucrose, the green haired girl over there, let Childe try to help with making some invention of some sort,” he explained, “So far, nothing good has come out of it. It’s entertaining, though.”
“I see,” I said, and also began watching the two try and make something.
Sucrose seemed to take control of the experiment, until eventually Childe would insist on adding some weird concoction and end up in another explosion.
While I was watching the experiments fail, I checked everyone’s profile on the Paipad.
Sucrose was the Ultimate Chemist , and Childe’s Ultimate was listed with ???. I bet it’s something like Ultimate Child. I mean, who names their child Childe?
The man standing besides me was Zhongli, the Ultimate Folklorist . He’s also a nerd.
“Oh- oh- here we go, aaaand…”
Zhongli and I watched as the potion exploded in Sucrose’s face, which left Childe laughing.
Sucrose scurried out of the lab, saying she was off to the bathroom.
“Maybe you should stop ‘inventing’ new things for now, Childe,” Zhongli said, chuckling.
“I was super close that time! Soon, it’ll explode! But bigger!” Childe concluded, and grabbed another random item off the wall.
*Ding dong, bing bong*
“Paimon is bored watching you all mingle! All talk and no murder! Please, Paimon wants you all to report back to the gym. NOW!!”
