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Danny came home after dropping off the girls for a sleepover at Rachel’s to a very quiet house. Having two loud and giggling ten year old girls did wonders at stalling a person’s sex life, so he and Steve had been looking forward to this night for weeks since it would be the first time in a long time they would have the house to themselves, sans children. Steve had talked about dinner and beer and lots and lots of sex. Since Danny couldn’t smell anything cooking, beer wasn’t out on the table, and there wasn’t a beach towel lying around indicating that Steve took advantage of the rare opportunity to swim in the afternoon, he was nervous something may have gone wrong. He walked up the stairs to find light pouring into the hallway from their bedroom. Opening the door slowly, not wanting to spook any criminals if they were rifling through the room, he found Steve on their bed with an old shoebox open in front of him.
“What are you doing? I’ve never seen this box before,” Danny said as he took a calming breath; his nerves were dancing on edge a little.
“I haven’t taken it down in a long time, never wanted to.”
Danny climbed onto the bed, sitting next to Steve, placing an arm around his waist and resting his chin on Steve’s shoulder, placing a gentle kiss to the crook of Steve’s neck, “Mm, and what prompted you to bring it down now? Actually, better question, what is it?”
Danny glanced at the contents. There wasn’t much, a handful of photographs, some letters, a movie ticket stub, an old hospital discharge form, and some sort of official document that Danny couldn’t figure out what it was because the photographs were blocking most of the writing.
Steve shifted uncomfortably next to him, his lips pursing into a thin line as Danny watched the worry lines etched in his forehead become more pronounced. “We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to, but I’m here,” Danny comforted, rubbing a hand down Steve’s back as he felt Steve’s taut muscles quiver under his fingertips, “We can go back to our night alone, put this away, and never mention it again.”
Kissing his way along Steve’s shoulder, up his neck, nibbling at his ear, Danny was working his best magic to get Steve to loosen up and relax into his touch; Danny’d be damned if he didn’t get lucky tonight.
“It’s my box of things from when Gwen and I were together.”
Well that certainly took the air out of Danny’s sails.
“Oh.” Danny wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. Steve rarely talked about Gwen, and only when absolutely necessary. Danny was pretty sure the few times he’s heard her name mentioned was at Avery’s yearly checkups and the doctor asked about her parents’ medical history. And even then, when it was a strictly professional, information-only capacity, Steve became stilted and spoke in as few words as possible.
“Today made me realize that maybe I need to show these things to Avery. I don’t know. I don’t even know why I kept them; they’re meaningless, old relics of a life I had a long time ago, one I don’t even miss.”
Danny smiled, giving Steve the best reassuring look he could muster when talking about Steve’s ex-lover. “That’s a life that will always be a part of you, babe. Avery came out of that relationship and you will never truly be able to move past that part of your life. And no matter how much you think right now that you want to, you don’t. Even if Gwen turned out to be the person you never thought she’d be, you still want to remember the good times, for Avery’s sake.”
“I know. I mean she’s only ever asked about her mom a few times, but it seems like she’s asking more and more recently and I just don’t know what to say. I mean, in all honesty, I don’t even know Gwen that well. We dated for two years and I probably spent close to half that time either deployed or on base for training. She was beautiful, sweet, funny, but I didn’t know who she really was. I didn’t know her views on the war or her political affiliation or even her religious beliefs. I didn’t know if she wanted kids, wanted to get married, or if she’d ever want to even live together. I didn’t know her parents or her siblings, hell I don’t have any idea if she even had siblings. I barely knew anything about where she grew up, how she grew up, or if her life turned out the way she wanted.”
Danny was not a jealous person, not really. He liked to believe that he was confident in himself and his relationship with Steve; they were solid. But, bringing up Gwen and Avery and Steve’s past still stung a little, rocking Danny’s core ever so slightly. This woman would always be in Steve’s mind, no matter what. This woman looked back at Steve every day when he woke Avery up in the morning, and Danny would have to be okay with that. Hell, he had no right to even be angry or jealous or any other negative emotion because Steve was in the same boat with Rachel, except, really, Steve had it worse because Danny interacted with Rachel on an almost daily basis. In the grand scheme of things, Danny really did have it easier. Gwen was long gone and wasn’t going to be around anytime soon.
“But you had to have seen something in her that attracted you, piqued your interest. You wouldn’t have stayed with her for close to two years and tried to make it work after she found out she was pregnant if there wasn’t something about her that you liked.” Danny tried to keep his voice even as possible; right now wasn’t about Danny or his feelings, this was about Steve and his fears and worries about his little girl growing up without a mother.
Steve became quiet, looking thoughtfully at the photograph in his hand. Danny peeked over his shoulder to see that it was a picture of a young woman lying down on a bed, dark curls splayed out around her face, encircling it like a halo as a morning light slipped in through the blinds. The person taking the picture must have been standing above her, but he captured her at a moment of innocence. Her green eyes were looking towards the open window where the ocean was just barely visible.
“Is that Gwen?”
Danny interrupted the silence and Steve nodded, “Yeah. Avery reminds me a lot of her.”
Danny took the picture from Steve’s hand and studied it for a few minutes, “They definitely have the same bed-hair.”
Steve laughed, “Yeah, Gwen always complained about the amount of hair she had.”
“But Avery has your eyes.”
“Mm, I guess.”
“Gwen’s eyes are closed off, distant, like she’s still searching for something but she just can’t seem find it. You, your eyes are fire; there’s always emotion dancing in them, even when you try to hide yourself away. Avery’s like that too. Her eyes are expressive, happy. She sees the beauty in life even though she’s seen some dark things.”
“Gwen had an infectious laugh, it was sing-songy. If you heard it, it made you laugh, too; your day was instantly brighter. She was bitingly sarcastic, but she always kept me on my toes, you know. She pushed me and challenged me. I was 23 when we met, one year out of Annapolis, halfway through BUD/s training. I was overly-confident, high on myself for the sheer strength I was showing. She knocked me down a few pegs, brought me back down to Earth, and reminded me I’m not invincible.”
“You seem to have forgotten that lesson,” Danny quipped with a smile.
“She was the first person outside the service that I became attached to after my mother’s death.”
“Even if your romance was short-lived, Steve, she was still a big part of your life. It’s okay to think about her.”
Steve turned slightly so that they were face to face, “I don’t want you to ever worry about me leaving or something. I want you to know that I love you more, that I’m committed to you for eternity.”
“Babe, I know that. I would never deny you the opportunity to seek out Avery’s mom if you wanted.” It took every ounce of Danny’s self-control to utter those words, but he knew that Steve needed to hear them even though he knew Steve would never actually act on them.
“I don’t want to do that, Danno.”
“Then you don’t have to, I’m just saying.”
“Look, Gwen gave me the best, most precious thing in my life. But, I just can’t go back there, I can’t forgive her, I can’t see her again. She abandoned Avery, plain and simple. She was a lovely person, she had a great sense of humor, and she was fun to be around, but I will never be able to forgive her for what she did. And I don’t know what to do with that. Avery keeps asking about her mom and I don’t know what to say because I’m still angry, so angry that she just gave up like that. She not only walked out on me but she left Avery behind, and to this day she hasn’t called, not once, to see how Avery is. As angry as I am at Gwen, I don’t want to color Avery’s judgment of her. I will never lie to her, especially now that she’s getting older. I’m not going to pretend that Gwen didn’t leave, but I’m not going to try and influence Avery’s opinion by letting her see my feelings.”
Danny placed his fingers softly under Steve’s chin, pulling his face around so they were looking at each other, sitting side by side on their bed, thighs barely touching, “That’s what makes you a good father, Steve. Avery is growing up and she’s going to wonder where her mom is. You may not feel comfortable talking about Gwen that much, or even sharing anything too detailed about her, but I think all Avery needs is assurance that her mom was a good person who did love her but just wasn’t able to take care of her. She needs to know that her mother loved her, and if Gwen is really the person you say she is, I’m sure she loves Avery.”
“I may not ever trust Gwen around my daughter, but I do know without a doubt that she will always love Avery. But I’m scared, Danno, scared that Avery is never going to be okay with not having a mom.”
“There will always be a lingering thought about her mom, but she knows that she’s loved and that we will never leave.”
“You think?”
“I don’t think, babe, I know. So, stop worrying or you’re going to get more grey hairs than you already have.”
Steve laughed. “But you love it.”
“I do, makes you look wise.”
“But I am wise.”
“That’s debatable.”
“Debatable?” Steve turned his body towards Danny, pushing Danny back onto his elbows, looming over him, a wicked grin on his face.
“Mhm,” Danny nodded, allowing Steve to push him flat on the bed. “Jumping off of buildings, out of airplanes, moving vehicles, not so wise.”
“You need to stop lying, Danno, or I’m going to have to punish you.” Steve’s voice was low, sultry, as he kissed slowly up Danny’s exposed arm, his deft fingers opening each button on Danny’s shirt as he went.
“Not…lying,” was all Danny could get out as Steve’s mouth found Danny’s sweet spot behind his ear.
Steve laughed and pulled away suddenly, all bodily contact ceasing instantly. Danny’s body protested and before he could stop himself he let out a breathy moan as he watched Steve stand at the edge of the bed, “Steve, come back.”
“Admit that I’m wise and I’m all yours for the night.” Danny couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips as he watched his husband cross his arms and pout.
“But you’re all mine forever.”
“Yeah but if you admit I’m wise I will be at your service all night long. And keep in mind that tonight we have the house to ourselves. It’s been a long time since I’ve made you scream my name.”
He wanted to stand his ground, really he did, but Steve standing in front of him, whispering those words softly as he removed his shirt turned Danny’s resolve into jelly, “C’mere, you, the smartest man I know.”
“Smartest and wisest.”
“Mmm, wisest.” Steve’s hands were getting dangerously close to Danny’s belt buckle.
“Love you, Danno.”
“Love you too, you big goof. Now get over here and make me scream your name.”
“Aye, aye, captain.”
Danny did in fact scream Steve’s name that night, multiple times. And if he admitted a second time that Steve was the wisest man in the world, neither of them was planning on mentioning it again.