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“The current king of the White Kingdom has asked for your hand in marriage,” her father announced, over coffee and cakes. (In all honesty, she should’ve known better. Her father rarely calls her just for coffee these days.)
Her response was instant, almost reflexive. “I refuse.”
But it didn’t really matter did it? This was a normal occurrence among nobility. Soon, she’ll be leaving this place that she’s called home.
“Touka, please. He may seem off putting, but he’s really quite-”
“I will be his wife,” she corrected, “But I refuse to love him.”
“Touka…” Her father’s eyes became laced with concern. “I know that it hurts to lose someone you love.” He gently tilted her chin up so that he could see her eyes and the pain that she held. “It hurts, I know. But you can’t stay stuck in the past forever. Time will wait for no one.” Says the man who always looks at her mother’s portraits. “Perhaps this will be good for you. He seemed rather considerate when I spoke with him.”
“Don’t they all at first? Why did he ask for my hand?”
“So that we could prevent a war with the Pierrot King.”
Ah. So that’s why. The Pierrot King had been on a spree of plucking off the unstable kingdoms with the sheer force of his armies. It was logical that the next target would be the White Kingdom, whose former king, King Arima Kishou, had died in recent years. On the other hand, Anteiku was powerful, but was outnumbered by the forces. It would be simple for Anteiku to be seized by the Pierrot King. The alliance would be beneficial to both of them, but…
“And he asked for a wife?” It’s an odd price, but not something unheard of.
“Yes. But if you truly do not want to, I will not push you. This is your decision, Touka.”
Did she really if she didn’t want thousands to be sucked into war? There was only one choice.
“Father, I would be more than happy to become his bride.”
“Welcome, Princess. We have been expecting you,” a blond haired woman greeted with a sharp stare. “I trust your journey was well?”
“Yes.” Except for the distance. “And you are?”
“One of the king’s advisors, Akira Mado.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lady Mado.”
“The pleasure is all mine.” But despite her smile and curtsey, the woman kept her harsh stare. She’ll have to be careful around this woman, won’t she? “Please follow me this way, the King has been expecting you.”
“Of course.” The castle was a beautiful but eerie white. Now that she looks, even Lady Mado and the servants were dressed in that dull color. Touka felt too out of place with her purple gown.
“Your Highness, I present Princess Touka,” Lady Mado announced with a deep bow and a wave of her hand towards the darkest thing in the room.
Black adorned the man in front of her, everything he wore was black except for his blood red gloves. His hair, however, was stark white, matching the castle well. Exactly what part of this man convinced her father that he would be a good husband to her? Regardless, she was to be his. No matter what she thinks of him.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Your Highness,” she greeted with a curtsey. Though it’s odd, how at a certain angle he looks like…
He walked down from his throne and stood in front of her. “The pleasure’s all mine, Princess,” he greeted with a small bow and a kiss to her hand. “You must be tired from your travels. Please show her to her room, Lady Mado.”
“Of course sire,” she accepted with a bow. “You are permitted to go wherever you please Princess, though I advised that you would take someone with you when you are roaming. There are certain areas that may be… unsafe for you,” Lady Mado explained briefly. “This is Hairu, she will help accommodate you from now on.”
“Hello,” the maid cheerfully greeted with a little wave.
Touka nodded in acknowledgment. It seems that she might as well get used to this room then. Being here all the time might guarantee that she had some time to herself.
“If you require my presence, please ask Hairu to fetch me. Otherwise, Hairu will get you anything you need.”
“Thank you Lady Mado,” Touka politely said with a practiced smile. She didn’t need to make any more enemies in this place. Who knows how many people actually trusted her?
“I will be in your care, your Highness.”
“Likewise.” Was it wise to trust the maid yet? She could just be a spy for the King or for Lady Mado. Well, as long as Hairu doesn’t become too nosy, everything should be fine. It’s not like Touka was planning on doing anything. Not when the safety of her people is at stake.
Hairu went to unpack the luggage, she was quiet for the most part until she opened a certain box. “Oh, what’s this trinket?”
Her eyes widened and Touka quickly snatched it back from the maid’s curious hands. “Don’t touch that!”
The maid smiled, practically mocking her. “If it has something to do with your past then it’s better to get rid of it. You are someone’s wife now. Besides, it looks as though it's awfully rusty,” the maid advised before happily heading out with a skip to her step.
Touka let out a sigh of relief when she found herself alone. She looked down at the pendant engraved with her favorite rabbit design. This… This at the very least is something that she must have with her. Even if she must call this her home now, even if she has to be another man’s wife, even if she acknowledges that he’s dead… she can’t part with this.
She opened the pendant, reminiscing about the old figure that stood next to her. A small laugh escaped her lips. He was such a sweet boy and she was such a rebellious princess.
He would tell her stories from his travels, for he had often moved around with her uncle to ensure the kingdom’s peace, but she wouldn’t listen (rather, she couldn’t, else she would fall asleep). It was a shame that she wouldn’t listen. Maybe if she listened back then, she would have more than this single necklace and fading memories to remember him by.
She wonders if he was still alive, would he look like that king? No, his eyes wouldn’t be that cold. Or rather, she hopes that they wouldn’t be.
It’s a beautiful place, she discovers. Hall after hall of ivory, pristine curtains and decorations that look as though they’ve never had a speck of dirt, and a full library of well kept books dressed in white book covers and silver font. But that didn’t change the fact how empty and cold it felt. The only part of this castle that had any life to it was the garden. Even if the majority of the flowers were white, the snippets of blues, greens, and reds were beautiful.
Maybe if she wanted nothing but luxuries and idle pleasures she would be happy.
Hairu took her to the dining hall when it was time for supper. But she noticed that there was only one setting laid out.
“Will His Highness not be dining now?”
“The King is preoccupied with important matters of the state, so he will be taking his supper in his study,” a maid answered with a bow.
The nerve! It’s almost as if he’s ignoring her on purpose!
Well, as long as he doesn’t touch her kingdom, she’s fine with not seeing her fiance. But for someone that wanted her as his wife, he sure doesn’t act like it.
But it doesn’t matter now, does it? Their fates are already interlinked. If he doesn’t want to see her, that’s his problem. If anything, she appreciates how everyone leaves her to herself. The only problem is what to do to fill her time.
For the first few days, she tried reading a few of the books from the castle library, however none of them were to her taste. The flowers got dull to stare at after the second day. Then she already memorized the castle layout within the first week. She supposed she could polish her rabbit pendant again. Even though she already polished it on the day she arrived at the castle.
Though after rummaging through her jewelry box, she couldn’t find it.
...Odd.
Where is it?
Her blood ran cold.
She frantically pulled out her drawers, throwing around everything and anything in order to find that necklace. Where could it be?!
“Lady Mado! I’ve retrieved what you’ve asked for!”
“Good work, Hairu,” Lady Mado commented as she looked at the worn locket. “Really, that girl.
She should’ve left the past where it belongs.”
“Happy birthday, Princess!”
She pouted. “Haven’t I already told you to just call me by my name?”
“But Princess-” She turned her head and refused to listen until he did as she said. “Then Touka-chan. Here. It might not be much, but I got you something.” In his outstretched hand, there was a small box.
She opened it to reveal a locket with an engraving on it, “A rabbit?”
“You like them right? You always go to play with the rabbits in the garden.”
“Thank you, I love it!”
She had already decimated her room, so she took to searching the other places in the castle. She marched past each hallway she frequented, she carefully inspected every nook the library, she even went all the way to the tower, only to find nothing !
The garden was her last hope, but it was such a big area!
She dashed across the maze-like garden, only caring about her missing object. Suddenly a glint of silver caught her eye- Was that it?!
Without hesitating, she rushed into the dirt and grabbed the shiny object. She carefully opened her palm and huffed out in frustration. It was just a broken off part of some gardening tool. Just what should she-
“Princess Touka?”
“Y-Your Highness!” She couldn’t match his eyes, not while her skirts were covered in mud and her hair was in disarray. Even though she was supposed to be the image of perfection, how could she let herself become this unguarded?!
She dared to look up and what she saw… was something she never expected. A faint, but true smile graced his face and lightened his eyes. Why, he practically looked like- No, no that can’t be- In his hands was the very object that she was looking for. He pressed the locket into her hands and whispered, “It’s precious, isn’t it?”
“T-Thank you.”
“I’m sorry. It seems that one of my staff members had taken it from your belongings. I’ve already had a word with them, so it won’t happen again.”
She clutched onto it tightly. He could have just thrown it away, but he didn’t. “Thank you for returning this to me.”
“Once you freshen up, will you join me for some refreshments?”
“Of course, your Highness.”
She had returned to her room, half expecting Lady Mado’s scoldings or a snide remark from one of the maids, however she was pleasantly surprised to clean up and change in peace. Touka took her time to carefully polish her treasure, making sure that the pendant sparkled (unfortunately she couldn’t do much for the rusting chain). She’s not going to let it out of her sight anymore.
“Princess Touka, the King is waiting for you in the chess room. Please allow me to escort you there,” a maid announced.
She nodded.
Ah yes, refreshments.
Refreshments typically meant little sandwiches, bite sized cakes, and tea. She didn’t like having tea, it was just hot water with herbs with sugar and cream that was the ‘obviously more appropriate’ drink, but since it was her future husband offering (and since he had given her her pendant back), she’ll just have to deal with it somehow.
But when she entered the room, she smelled…dark roast?
“I heard you prefer coffee over tea,” he explained as a maid placed a cup at the seat. “Please sit.”
She walked over and took her seat. He didn’t offer to pull her chair, which was nice for once. She always got so irritated that people thought that she was so ‘fragile’ that she could only move her cup. “Thank you.”
“That will be all,” the King announced, dismissing the maid who obediently exited the room. “How is it? I’ve heard that you’re quite an expert on the topic of coffee.”
Was this his way of trying to get to know her? Does he now feel like actually getting to know the person he requested as a wife? She took another sip of the coffee thoughtfully. Either way, that was no concern to her.
“It’s a fine cup,” she politely answered. Honestly it was nothing special.
“I suppose that just means the staff will have to try harder if they wish to please your tastes.” He’s far more perceptive than she expected. “Oh…Your necklace.” She instinctively clutched the pendant. “It’s rather rusted isn’t it?”
“It’s precious.” Regardless of how dull it’s become over time. She doesn’t want it out of her sight again.
He chuckled low and softly. “I would assume so since you became such a mess while looking for it.”
“Please forget about that…,” she requested, feeling her cheeks become warmer.
“I’m really quite sorry. It seems that Lady Mado doubted your loyalty when she saw that pendant.”
“My loyalty?”
“I suppose she feared the possibility of a bastard child,” he mused without concern.
She almost wanted to laugh. How ridiculous. That person went missing long ago and even if she is waiting for him, she made a promise to protect her people. Once she’s decided on something, she won’t go back on her word. “May I speak freely?”
“I would prefer that,” he answered with an extended hand that let her know the floor was hers.
“I will be your wife, I will bear your children, I will not betray you for as long as I live, but…” She knew the fairy tales she read as a child were only stories that were never going to come true. She knew that there was no point in wishing the dead to come to life, but- “You shouldn’t expect me to love you just like that.”
The man calmly took a sip of coffee before setting his cup down. “Your heart is yours. Even if I’m your husband, I wouldn’t dream of taking it unless you’re willing to give it. I hope that we’ve reached an understanding?”
He was far more understanding than she expected. That didn’t match the man who refused to speak to her when she first arrived… But he seems so sincere. Perhaps it was because this was the first time that he spoke to her while looking her in the eye?
“I believe we have.”
“Are you going out for a walk?”
She didn’t even need to turn around to know whose voice it was. But she did, for the sake of manners, “Yes.”
“Would you mind if I joined you?”
“I don’t think you need to ask.”
“Thank you.”
After that day, he slowly made efforts to spend time with her. His schedule was no less busy than before, especially with the wedding approaching and making accommodations for the delegates, but he would still find some time to invite her for coffee and short walks in the garden.
“The flowers are lovely today.”
“Indeed, they’re particularly beautiful today,” he agreed. But she could feel his gaze on her rather than the flowers around them. Why are these little gestures and comments making her heart race? Her heart felt like it was beating so loudly, she wondered if he could hear it. “I got you this.”
“Thank you.” She opened the box to reveal a simple chain. What was she supposed to do with this?
“For your pendant,” he explained after seeing the confusion on her face.
“Oh. Thank you, but why the sudden gift?”
“Didn’t I promise you that I’d replace it should it become rusted?”
Her eyes widened.
Only one person made that promise to her.
She looked at him as the name stumbled out of her mouth in fragmented whispers, “Ka-Kaneki?” He immediately realized his mistake, but said nothing, because there was no way that he could fix something like that. She heard herself tremble, she heard her voice crack, “Why?”
In that very instant, the feared king became that innocent boy who disappeared from her sight so long ago. “Touka-chan…”
“Don’t you dare call me that!” she commanded, causing the delicate flowers to tremble. “I…I thought you were dead .”
For so many years, she mourned over him with all her heart and soul, for so many sleepless nights she called out his name in hopes that he would return, for so many times she clutched onto that pendant believing it to be her last memory of him. And now…
Now…
“Please listen to what I have to say.”
“Why?” she hissed out in utter anger as she grabbed onto his collar.
“I had to.”
“Why did you have to?”
“I wanted to protect you from the Pierrot King. They wouldn’t do anything if our kingdoms were allied.”
“Did that give you an excuse to disappear without a trace?”
“I needed to cover my tracks. The former King chose me and so there weren’t any internal disputes; I had to act as though Ken Kaneki never existed to make everyone believe that Haise Sasaki was just in hiding so no one would harm the heir.”
“That doesn’t make it any better!”
“Touka, please!” His grip on her hand wasn’t tight, but it was enough to compel her to stay. “I was trying to stop the Pierrot King’s plan, but I didn’t have enough power, so I needed to rely on King Arima so that Anteiku wouldn’t be destroyed in the process. I was doing it to save everyone!”
Without thinking, she slapped him across the face. Hard.
“No one told you to find a solution on your own! No one told you to become a damn martyr for Anteiku!”
She could feel her hand throb in pain, but compared to the despair she felt when she first heard the news of his disappearance, it was nothing.
“Do you have any idea how any of us felt when we heard that you weren’t returning home? Do you know what I felt?” Of course he doesn’t, how could he? He left thinking that it was for the best, but it wasn’t! “And what’s with this fucking alliance? If you just wanted an alliance, then you didn’t need to marry me!”
“A-Anteiku and the White Kingdom have had so many disputes in the past that it was difficult for me to think of a solution that wouldn’t jeopardize Anteiku and that would satisfy the other powers of the White Kingdom. And…”
“And what?! What could have possibly made you think that this was a good solution? Do you think I could possibly refuse a marriage proposal when you attached it to an alliance? When it meant the difference between protecting my people and letting them die?”
His silence made the sound of her anxious heartbeat sound louder.
“When I asked King Arata for your hand, it was a sincere request. If you had refused, I would’ve done everything in my power to ensure the success of the alliance. When I told you that your heart was yours to give or not, I meant that. I’m sorry, Touka.”
His sincerity, his gentle eyes with tears streaming down- It just angered her!
All she could do was stomp off, muttering, “Goddamnit!” and hoping that no one would heed the warm tears streaming down her face.
Touka spent the remaining days leading up to her wedding in her room, pondering on the distant and not-so- distant past. She refused to go out, even when the King- Kaneki had invited her out. That was enough to provoke rumors. Yet when her wedding day came, everyone who wasn’t her was ecstatic.
“Did you see the halls? They’ve just finished putting up all the flowers!”
“Did you see the guests? Only the elite of the kingdom have gathered! Not to mention the dignitaries from the other countries!”
“I heard that the chef is only using the finest of ingredients for the banquet afterwards.”
But she was barely listening to their chatter. She just wants to hurry so all of this nonsense can end.
“Princess Touka.”
“What is it?”
“His majesty sent them over for you, Princess,” the maid answered while setting a vase filled with beautiful blue flowers. She nearly sneered at the sight of them. Forget-me-nots. Did he think that she was a fool?
“What a thoughtful present from the King,” Lady Mado commented, “Wouldn’t you agree?”
Thoughtful? She wanted nothing more than to rip the buds apart. Still she smiled with no hints of venom, “His Highness is considerate. I’m quite lucky to have a husband like him.”
What is this confusing mixture of emotions swirling in her chest? Yes, she was still enraged about him faking his death. Yes, she was scared that he would somehow disappear from her sights again. Yes, she’s somehow happy to know that he’s alive and that his feelings for her hold true to this day.
But was her joy enough to forgive him for the grief? Was it enough that he was helping her protect Anteiku in his own roundabout way?
He sacrificed ‘Kaneki Ken’ to get to this point.
Can she really forgive him so easily for not valving himself more?
“What a lovely vision in white,” Lady Mado complimented as she stepped back to see all of her work on Touka. Rows of pearls covered her throat while white lace framed her face. Delicate satin covered her body, making her appear fragile and pure yet noble.
“Thank you Lady Mado.”
“Your brother has arrived. I believe that you’ll wish to speak with him alone before the ceremony begins. Well then, please call me if you need anything. I will be nearby and will call you when the event begins.”
“Thank you.”
Ayato stepped forward and glanced around to make sure that no one was listening in. “I’ve met your groom.”
“Ayato.”
“Why does he look so much like him? ”
“Ayato, don’t say anything and don’t do anything. This was a deal,” she whispered frantically. If Kaneki’s identity was revealed, who knows what would happen in this kingdom? Not to mention her homeland since people might believe that they overthrew the former king to put Kaneki on the throne. “You only just got Hinami back, do you really want to risk her getting kidnapped again?”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I want to hit him,” he retorted as he cracked his knuckles.
“Let’s just finish this farce.”
Ayato has a good heart, but it seems like he still needs to control himself. She sighed. Hopefully, this entire spectacle will be over soon enough and she can just escape all of the wandering eyes and retire for the night.
The music began to play.
As she approached the altar, she continued to play her role of the blushing bride but refused to look towards him. The ceremony progressed and it was only once they began their vows that she looked in his direction.
“Now, King Haise, will you take Princess Touka to have and to hold, for better or for worse, until death do you part?”
“I do.”
There wasn’t any hesitation in his voice.
“And will you Princess, take this King, to have and to hold, for better and for worse, until death do you part?”
That was the first time that she dared to look at him since the garden. He was staring right back at her with anxious eyes. The words he told her that day were playing back in her mind, “When I told you that your heart was yours to give or not, I meant that.”
How ironic.
She had already given her heart away to him a long time ago.
And she’s never asked for it back. Not even now.
“I do.”
The priest gave a nod, “Then you may now kiss the bride.”
He hesitated before turning to face her. He lifted the veil from her face, she could see his hands trembling as he did so. He leaned down slowly to her (was he trying to give her the courtesy of not kissing her on the lips?), but Touka instinctually pulled him closer to her so their lips met.
The masses cheered as they kissed.
In the privacy of their bedroom, they allowed their masks to fall. For now, they were not king and queen. They were not a princess and her companion. She was just Touka and he…She didn’t even know what to call him anymore.
He spoke first.
“It’s fine if you don’t forgive me.” She didn’t move an inch. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
He was the one who taught her the beauty of books and literature. He was the one who didn’t see her as a spoiled little monster. He was the first person that she thought would always stay with her because he wanted to be with her.
So when he disappeared, grief plagued her heart for years. She devoted herself to others to forget about the emptiness that he left her with. But that emptiness was never filled. Gray eyes haunted her dreams and she clutched onto a rusting pendant for comfort, for the memories.
The sorrow matched the joy he gave her.
A smart person would have left the past behind.
A smart person would have walked away.
“Only a fool would forgive you.” That much was true.
Yet she rose from her seat and walked towards him.
“T-Touka?”
“I must be a fool,” she declared quietly as she held his chin so that his eyes would look into her’s. She leaned in, their foreheads pressed against each other’s. She could hear his breathing and felt his warmth. “Now that I am your wife, there are things that I expect from you.”
“Anything.”
“If you’re planning something, then I want to be told what’s going on.”
“Of course.”
“Don’t think that you're expected to shoulder everything by yourself. We’re married. If you need help, then tell me. I won’t forgive you if you make me a widow.”
“I will.”
“And don’t…” She took a deep breath, feeling the warmth of this flesh. He’s there, there right in front of her. For the first time in years, she felt like she could breathe easily. It finally felt like he wouldn’t suddenly disappear from her, “Don’t leave again without an explanation.”
He gently took her other hand and kissed the palm of it, swearing, “I won’t.”