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Buck sometimes wonders why Eddie indulges him and Chris as much as he does. He doesn’t mean it like Eddie allows Buck to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, but there are times where it’s obvious that Eddie is only doing something because Buck or Christopher are excited about it or want to. It makes sense with Chris, Buck can’t imagine Eddie ever willingly turning down something that his son wants to do, but what he doesn’t understand is why Eddie extends the same to him. They say they’re family and it’s true, at the end of the day they’re each other's emergency contacts and Buck is Chris’ legal guardian if something happens to Eddie. Of course they’re as close as family. Their lives are so interwoven with one another that sometimes Buck can’t imagine what life was like before he met Eddie.
It’s not like he doesn’t remember it. He does. He remembers Buck 1.0 and Abby and everything else that led up to him getting fired. He remembers having Bobby down as his emergency contact and power of attorney because he had no one else. He had no lasting friends, he barely knew his roommates, and his sister had pretty much disappeared off the planet. When Bobby convinces Eddie to join the 118, Buck remembers the sinking feeling in his gut as he caught the way the rest of the team so effortlessly fit with him. Fit much better than they had with him. Buck didn’t know how to respond other than to fight back and then the earthquake hit LA, Buck met Christopher, and as they say, the rest is history.
So, yeah, Buck sometimes doesn’t get why Eddie let’s him get away with the stuff he does. He doesn’t understand why he goes so easily when Buck asks him to do something and doesn’t put up an argument even when it’s obvious by his body language that this isn’t exactly his cup of tea. Case in point, right now, Eddie’s trailing behind Chris and Buck in a Christmas tree farm after having said that he absolutely didn’t want a real Christmas tree. He didn’t want to clean up the pine needles that would end up all over the floor and Buck understands that much, but that’s not even why they’re there. They’re there to get one for Bobby, for the firehouse, and as soon as Buck mentions that this one would look good in his loft, Eddie is all for it. Buck just doesn’t understand.
“Hey. Where’s your mind at?” Eddie hums, hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his jacket as he gently taps his elbow against Buck’s arm and comes to a stop pressed up against Buck’s side. The look he gives Buck is filled with confusion, the question he doesn’t say still clear as day in his eyes and Buck swallows back the urge to tense. ‘Are you okay?’ Eddie asks without moving his lips, the reassuring feeling of him pressed to Buck’s side an attempt to convey his worry and comfort without saying anything. There’s not much to say really, Buck thinks. It’s definitely not a question they can have here in the middle of a tree farm in LA. Christopher is talking excitedly, a few steps ahead of them, but he turns when he realizes they stopped and comes running back. He’s got a smile a mile-wide on his face and Buck cards a hand through his curls as the kid slams into his side with a laugh.
“Sorry buddy, just got a little distracted.” Buck responds in lieu of answering Eddie’s unasked question and he gently bumps back against Eddie’s side, the smile he aims at Eddie is soft as he takes another step after Christopher. It’s not an answer, far from it really, but this is the closest that they can get when they’re standing in public with Christopher between them. Regardless, Eddie nods and swings an arm around Buck’s shoulders and tugs him into a half-hug. It’s not particularly romantic or anything, but it’s filled with something that Buck can’t quite explain and it’s enough to make him feel so suddenly loved that tears well up. Buck swallows against the lump in his throat, blinking back rapidly as he leans a little closer to Eddie with a slightly too wet laugh before pulling apart.
“Oooo! Eds, what about this one for the firehouse? Upstairs, of course, we’ll obviously have to get a bigger one for the downstairs!” Buck points up at a tree down the way, full around the edges and branches poised perfectly for the lights they’ll string around it during one of the rare downtimes they have at the station.
“Obviously,” Eddie mimics in a too high voice that makes Buck squawk in response but his lips are curved upwards in a smile that gives away his true feeling about the situation, “I don’t know anything about trees Buck, that’s why Bobby put you in charge. You just used my kid to drag me here, and we both know it.” Eddie’s teasing, it’s obvious in the slight upturn of the left side of his lips and the mischievous light in his eyes that Buck has seen far too many times. It’s just a joke, harmless and fun and not meant to be rude. It still makes guilt well up in Buck’s stomach and a hand clenches his heart tight in his chest but Buck’s quick to make sure that the smile stays on his face. Eddie’s brow furrows and he takes an aborted half-step, hand coming to wrap around Buck’s wrist. A gentle tug pulls him close to Eddie’s chest and he tries to unsuccessfully avoid Eddie’s eyes but a hand resting on his neck with a thumb on his chin is enough to counteract any pitiful attempt he may have tried.
“Buck. I’m teasing. I want to be here, with you and Christopher, to pick out trees for the firehouse. There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” Eddie murmurs, voice soft and barely heard over the sounds of the crowd around them. A mom passes with her two kids, the two of them screaming in delight as they run up and down the hay-covered ground and Eddie’s smiling.
“Even if you have to clean up pine needles?” Buck asks after a few beats of silence between them, the sound of Christmas music echoing through their ears as it blasts from overhead speakers. Eddie laughs, deep from the chest, and Buck is so close that he can feel it vibrate it’s way up.
“Ehhh…” Eddie trails off as he tries to fight off the smile that’s tugging up at his lips and Buck’s unable to stop the laughter pouring out from his lips, “Yes, Buck. Even then. Now let’s go get the tree before someone takes it and Bobby kills us for getting an ugly tree.” Buck laughs, ducking his head in an attempt to hide the warmth that he feels spreading across his cheeks. Eddie’s a step ahead, Buck trailing behind him, and he feels perfectly at home.
***
They’ve loaded up the two trees into the bed of Eddie’s truck and now, the two of them are leaning close against the side of the truck as they watch Christopher excitedly talk with one of his friends. Buck’s pretty sure that his name is Andrew, he can’t really remember for sure though, but the mom is looking at Eddie like he’s a piece of meat that she’s thinking about picking out at a deli and Buck stuffs his hands a little too harshly into the pockets of his sweater. The mom, who Buck has never seen up until now, is leaning a little too close to Eddie and it makes something seize in Buck’s chest. Something a little too akin to jealousy.
“I’m going to get hot chocolate. Want any?” Buck pushes himself off the side of the truck, hands still hidden in his pockets so neither of them can see the fists they’re curled into and he bounces from foot to foot in front of Eddie.
“Hm, yeah. Would you mind?” Eddie turns to him and Buck gets the pleasure of watching Eddie’s face change from the shuttered expression he had been wearing to a smile so open and carefree that it’s enough to warm Buck all the way down to the tips of his toes. The mom looks oddly put out by the change, the way that as Eddie turns on his feet to face Buck, his arms fall to his sides in an open expression.
“Of course, no whip cream cause you’re a heathen. And peppermint flavoring if they have it.” Buck recites, smiling when he gets a grumble in response, but he doesn’t let Eddie get a chance to answer before he bounces around to head towards the stand and tosses over his shoulder, “I’ll get Chris some too.” He gets the privilege of watching Eddie’s face light up at the mention of his son and tries to ignore the fact that seeing the smile that Eddie’s sporting doesn’t make him fall a little more in love with the man. He also swallows back the smug vindication that swells up as he watches the mom’s face fall as she glances between the two of them, because he’s not the type of person who wishes pain on anyone, but it still feels a little nice.
***
Convincing Christopher to go with Abuela for the evening so that Eddie and Buck could get to their shifts and set up the trees in the firehouse was easier said than done. Normally, the kid has no problem with going with Abuela or Carla while the two of them went to their shifts but the idea of missing out on decorating has him practically in tears when they pull up to the house. It had taken a few minutes to calm Christopher down but eventually, with the promise of cooking with Abuela, the two ended up on the road back towards the station. Eddie’s hands are tight on the wheel, signal clicking in the silence of the car, and Buck wonders if he should say something to break it but the words feel like they get caught in his throat. The cups of hot chocolate are cooling in the cup holders between them, half-filled and unfinished but neither make a move to grab them.
“Buck.” Eddie is surprisingly the first to break as they sit at a red light, the truck rumbling under them as they wait. Buck turns slightly, the seat belt digging into his neck as he turns to look at where Eddie’s sitting. His hands are tight around the steering wheel, fingers white as he tightens his grip on it, and Buck has the sudden urge to reach out for his hand. The line they balance on is blurry, fading more and more with each of the passing days, and Buck knows it’s only a matter of time before it disappears completely. Buck kind of hates not knowing when.
“Eddie.” Buck responds, just as soft, and keeps his eyes forward as Eddie presses on the gas when the light turns green. There’s a few moments of silence, where neither of them are able to find the words to speak, and the click of the signal is all that fills the car. The silence, which is normally so comfortable and easy, is deafening. Buck never knew that silence could be so loud and he resists the urge to start talking then and there, words without meaning pushing up against his throat begging to be said. Buck’s not sure how long they sit there in the car once they park at the firehouse, stopping and starting as they try to find what is to be said.
“Evan.” Eddie finally whispers, moments or minutes or maybe even hours later, and Buck sucks in a breath at the use of his first name. It shouldn’t feel as intimate as it does, hearing the name come from Eddie’s lips, but his heart races whenever Eddie says it.
“Yeah.” Buck agrees, the unasked questions and answers that they’ve long since learned to share between the two of them nearly suffocating in the moment, “W-we...Eds…” Buck hates the way his voice cracks and he has to swallow harshly against the lump in his throat as he turns to meet Eddie’s eyes. Eddie looks about as wrecked as Buck feels, chest tight with each breath and eyes filled with anxiety as they take a moment to reorient themselves.
“We need to talk Eddie, we can’t keep going on like this.” Buck finally manages, the words spilling out without a moment in between and Eddie sucks in a hissing breath. Buck can practically hear the anxiety filling his best friend's chest.
“Yeah. We do.” Eddie agrees, one thumb coming to rub along the top of the steering wheel and the other tapping an unknown rhythm where it’s resting on the gear shift between them. The hot chocolate is cold now.
“Come over after shift. We can talk or sleep or whatever...just come over.” Buck whispers, voice a little shaky and his entire body feels a little unsteady despite him being sat down.
“Okay. That...yeah.” Eddie decides, hand trailing from the gear shift to where Buck’s hands are sitting tightly laced in his lap and he rests it over the top briefly, “I’ve got your back out there Buck, always have.” It’s spoken like a promise, holding far too many words and secrets and emotions than Buck can comprehend for such a simple sentence but it’s perfect. They’re going to be okay, Buck realizes as they climb out of the truck together and bump their wrists together. They’re going to be just fine.
***
Three days later, fresh off of a 12 hour shift and still in uniform, Eddie and Buck find themselves standing in the same tree farm with their hands linked together. Chris is running up ahead, kicking up hay behind him as he races up and down the rows of trees with Denny and Harry. Hen and Karen are on the other side of the market, searching through the stalls for small trinkets to decorate their mantelpiece. Bobby and Athena were over near the food section, buying spices and treats that are no doubt going to have the three boys on a sugar high later tonight. Buck knows that Eddie is dreading the aftermath and he presses up against him with a smile, hooking his head over Eddie’s shoulder as they come to a stop in front of a line of trees.
“I can’t believe you convinced me of this.” Eddie huffs, sounding everything but annoyed in the moment and Buck laughs against him, pressing a kiss to the nape of his neck before resting back on his shoulder.
“Come on Eddie, they’re so pretty.” Buck smiles, tucking himself up as close to Eddie’s neck as he can and based on the shiver that runs through Eddie’s spine, he can feel his lips curving into a bigger smile. It had taken all of twenty minutes after they’d finally hashed it all out to convince Eddie to get a real Christmas tree for this season which had ended with them all going to the tree farm. Somehow, the rest of the 118 family had decided to tag along and the two of them had ended up watching the kids run up and down hay-covered grounds while looking for a tree. Buck’s never wanted to stay in a moment more.