Chapter Text
Craig watched with a deadpan expression as the horrible little animal that claimed to be God watched him back. He simply couldn’t believe it. Not because it was utterly surreal and completely insane, no. He already knew that being near a certain group could bring trouble to his life. No, his real disbelief was to the simple fact that he was a normal, regular, boring guy.
With an even more normal, regular and boring life.
So how could this happen to him?! Of all people?!
–
It had been just another day. Another day like the other ones he had. Like the ones he was so used to and loved. A completely unremarkable day. Just a Saturday like every other.
“Good morning, Craig!” Tweek greeted him, flipping an egg in a frying pan.
“Mornin’, honey.” He replied as he took a seat at the kitchen table.
They usually spent Friday nights together, taking turns to sleep in each other’s house. Since they were like an old couple, they watched movies on tv and discussed completely mundane things such as the weather for next week over some pizza. It was nice.
Everyone else seemed to have the wrong idea, though. Every damn time he came out of the shower on Saturday mornings, his dad would wink at him, patting his shoulder in pride. Craig didn’t mind that much at first but it was getting kind of annoying. That said, if he dared to tell his father he wasn’t spending his friday nights fucking his boyfriend to oblivion, he would probably get asked if their relationship was going okay and if he wanted to talk about it. His dad tried to give him the Talk when he was 13 and it was fucking awful. So he stayed quiet instead. It was easier.
Tweek also happened to love hanging at Craig’s place for some reason. Something about ‘less pressure’ and ‘easier atmosphere’. And Craig’s family loved him too because he always made breakfast for everyone.
In the past half a year or so,Tweek had stopped drinking coffee (or at least his family’s coffee) and learned a bunch of new skills. Sewing, cooking, handcrafts, even yoga. He said they helped him keep his mind busy. His speech was almost coherent now. Craig had to admit, he had no idea Tweek could be this normal.
The blond handed him a plate. “Here.” He put the other plate in front of him as he sat.
“Thank you.” Craig contemplated his breakfast. His favorite, sunny side egg in toast. He smiled.
“I was thinking…” Tweek twitched a little. “We could go to the movies today? And then, agh! Grab a snack!” He took a knife and started spreading jam over his slice of bread. It was erratic, however the progress was noticeable.
“Sure.” Craig took a bite of his toast. “What movie?” His mouth was full when he asked but he didn’t care.
“Agh!” His boyfriend dropped the bread. “Do you wanna know right now? I can look it up!” He grabbed his phone.
“No, it’s fine.” Craig put his hand over Tweek’s, lowering the phone. “We can just watch whatever they’re playing.” That’s what they usually did, anyway.
“Yeah!” Tweek agreed with a smile that quickly turned into a frown. “Craig! Close your mouth when you’re eating!”
The aforementioned closed his mouth, giggling quietly. Tweek was worse than his mom sometimes.
–
They walked around the park for a bit before heading to the movie theater. Tweek liked wrapping his arm around Craig’s for warmth. And also because he was gay.
The novelty of their relationship had long died down. However, people still smiled at them when they saw them around. Other gay couples didn’t get the same treatment, though. Only them. Figures.
When they arrived at the theater, the closest showing was a Hollywood zombie flick with a generic poster, featuring cool looking dudes and the default sexy chick with a gun. Why not. Tweek had a knack for violent movies, after all. He said they were ‘cathartic’.
If only Craig had known how much they would regret this seemingly harmless choice.
Craig was used to people being noisy at the movies. Someone laughing way too loud. Noticeable chattering. Maybe a misplaced scream. It was normal. Nothing he couldn’t deal with. This time, he could overhear some faint prattling, rows behind him. He ignored it because it didn’t affect his movie experience. The movie was pretty loud with all the gunshots and zombies.
However, way into the movie, when the main character’s mentor was at the verge of death and giving his inspiring speech to his protegé, the talking became louder, despite the insistent shushing from other moviegoers. Soon enough, they broke into yelling, as if they were in the privacy of their homes.
“You’re just fucking with me!” A masculine voice ranted.
“Why the hell would I be fucking with you?” Another masculine voice retorted, with equal indignation.
“A zombie movie? Seriously?!”
“There was nothing better!”
“Because you didn’t care to plan in advance-”
“Hey!” Craig turned to the two figures in the dark. “Take it somewhere else, some of us are trying to watch a movie here!”
“Yeah!” Some stranger supported him. Tweek was hardly interested in what was going on, his eyes glued to the screen.
One of the weirdos growled and they finally shut their mouths. Thank fucking god. The voices sounded annoyingly familiar and the last thing he wanted was to deal with those guys.
Sometime later one they both left but Craig didn’t even turn to look. He didn’t want any confirmation that he knew those people.
–
Having drunk too much soda, they went to take a leak before grabbing themselves something to eat. When they entered the restroom, Craig was surprised to hear some strange murmuring inside. All the stalls appeared closed, though, and the rest of the restroom was empty. That was weird.
“Craig!” Tweek pulled from his sleeve. “Do you think they’re smuggling drugs in there?” He whispered into the other’s ear.
He exhaled. “Why would they smuggle drugs in a movie theater?”
“Beats me!” Tweek shrugged, still whispering. His eyes abruptly went wide. “Oh my God! What if someone is being assaulted in there?!”
“What? No, it’s probably no-”
Before Craig finished his sentence, Tweek pulled from him, making him take a step forward. “We have to check!” The blond insisted.
“Tweek…”
“If we let it slide, we could be complicit in sexual abuse, Craig!” His boyfriend elaborated, as he bent over to check if each of the stalls were empty. “We have to be sure!”
“You’re watching way too many crime shows…”
“They’re relaxing, okay!”
“How…?”
Tweek shushed him as he spied on the last stall. He made a gesture for Craig to bend over as well.
Resigned, Craig leaned down and, lo and behold, he saw two pairs of feet inside the stall. One person was wearing dark brown boots, the other black sneakers. They were sort of staying in the same place and, now that he thought about it, the talking had actually ceased.
Suddenly, Tweek pulled him up. As he gave an inquisitive stare to his partner, the latter pointed at the door stall. Craig followed with his eyes. Oh, it wasn’t actually closed. You could spot the marginal space between the door and the frame.
“They can’t be doing anything good there.” Tweek concluded, biting his lip. Without a warning, he kicked the door open.
There was no crime happening there. No legal crime, at least. No robbery, or assault or murder. Or any kind of coercion. Or illegal substances. Nothing. Now, was it a crime for his eyes and peace of mind? Debatable.
What they found inside the stall was Kyle and Cartman kissing. Yeah, kissing. Cartman had his back to them, dragging Kyle down so he could reach him, his arms tightly holding onto the collar of Kyle’s jacket. Kyle, on the other hand, was frowning into their kiss, his hands in the air, the very picture of indecisiveness.
It was a bit of an overwhelming sight for them to process so they stood there, frozen and agape, not sure quite to react to the revelation they would’ve preferred never to find out. Eventually, Kyle opened his eyes, his lips glued to Cartman’s still, and spotted the couple.
Jolting, he jumped back with a horrified expression. “Wha-!”
Cartman turned and saw Tweek and Craig. While he seemed less apalled than the redhead, his cheeks began growing red and his mouth opened and closed several times. “W-Why are you…”
Before either of them managed to say something, Kyle pointed an accusatory finger at Cartman, turning red as well yet for another reason. “I knew it! You were plotting all along, weren’t you?”
Puzzled, Cartman blinked twice before replying. “What the fuck are you talking about?!”
“This!” Kyle signaled at Tweek and Craig. “You wanted other people to see us to humiliate me!”
“Why would that be humiliating?!”
“You…” Kyle trailed off. “I’m out of here.” He pushed the other two on his way out.
“Hey!” Craig complained, watching Kyle give strides towards the exit.
“Asshole!” Tweek added.
Cartman followed Kyle and they continued their arguing, where the pair couldn’t hear them anymore. That was relieving.
“What the hell just happened?!” A bewildered Tweek exclaimed.
Craig rubbed his shoulder, brows furrowed. “I have no fucking idea.”
–
The rest of the day went as planned. They bought hot dogs on their way back and Craig got a call from his mom, asking him to do the grocery shopping for dinner. With his boyfriend’’s help, they got it done way faster.
Later on, they did their homework together, Tweek was unexpectedly good at calculus. Then, they played video games for a bit. It was always fun to beat Tweek at Mario Kart because he got so angry and competitive.
Finally, for dinner they had steak with mashed potatoes. When Tweek went home, it was about 9 pm. They texted for a while afterwards before Craig decided to go to bed. Ah, what a great day. What a great, normal day.
–
The next morning, he showered as usual upon waking up. However, when he came out of the shower, his dad winked at him and patted his shoulder before walking away. That was strange, he had not spent the night with Tweek. His dad saw Tweek leaving the night before?
Oh, well. Maybe the old man was beginning to lose it.
Unbothered, Craig walked down the stairs. There was some noise coming from the kitchen. Probably his mother making breakfast.
“Hey, mo-” He stopped in his tracks when we found Tweek standing in front of the stove instead. What?
“Agh!” Tweek jumped, almost dropping the egg from the pan. “C-Craig!” He stammered, turning to look at his partner. “You’re up! Haha…”
“Uh…” Craig rubbed his eyelids. “What day is it?”
“Saturday.” Tweek replied a little too fast. “…Breakfast will be ready soon!” He added after a pause.
Still disoriented, Craig took a seat at the table. Did he have a very long dream? It felt so real, though. None of the haziness dreams usually had. It was very clear in his head. That Saturday felt so real to him.
Tweek handed him his plate. It was a sunny side egg on toast except the yolk was broken and the bread was burnt. Okay, well…
A clank interrupted Craig’s thoughts. When he raised his eyes, he saw Tweek picking up a knife from the floor. He was frowning and appeared stressed, the likes Craig hadn’t seen in a while. His left fist was gripping the knife so intensely, too.
“Is everything okay, honey?” He asked.
“Y-Yeah!” Tweek nodded sort of unnaturally but Craig decided to trust him. He knew Tweek wanted to get better at controlling his anxiety and didn’t want to be overbearing.
They ate in silence for a while. Even though the toast was burnt, it tasted pretty decent. And he didn’t mind the broken yolk, either.
“I was! I was thinking…” The blond scratched his neck. “Do you-”
“Wanna go see a movie?” Craig completed the question. “Sure.”
“Okay…” Tweek looked down at the bread on his plate and Craig eyed him while sipping orange juice from glass .
Considering how monotonous his weekends ended up being, it wasn’t that shocking that his dream had been so accurate so far. There wasn’t a lot of variation in his life. That’s how he liked it after all.
–
When the movie they picked played exactly like the one in Craig’s dream, he felt a tingle of worry. Then again, Hollywood blockbusters were so similar lately, having a deja vu-like sensation wasn’t that exceptional. His brain probably mixed a bunch of popular tropes he had seen recently in one singular story. If anything this showed how bad the movie industry was doing nowadays.
The problem, the real problem, was when he heard those obnoxious assholes arguing several rows behind them. The same petty arguing, the same stupid fucking whining. He told them off and they quieted down, leaving minutes later.
By the time the zombie flick was done, Craig wanted to confirm if they were going to encounter the same horrible sight as the one in his dream. So, this time, he was the one insisting to check the stalls while Tweek appeared reluctant. He was less dramatic, though and simply pushed the door open.
Yep, there it was. Kyle and Cartman making out in that dirty stall and then being stunned they were caught when they didn’t even bother locking the door. Seriously, what was wrong with them? Actually, no, why did he know this was going to happen? What was going on?
“I’m out of here.” Kyle grunted and Craig moved out of the way right in time for Kyle to walk between Tweek and him.
“Kyle, wait!” Cartman dashed behind the ginger.
Possessed by something, Craig had an urge to follow them, giving quick steps in their direction.
“Craig!” His boyfriend called him, hurriedly trying to catch up to him. “What are you-”
Wordlessly, Craig raised a hand to silence him. Kyle and Cartman left the bathroom, with the former way ahead.
“Kyle! Kyle, god damn it, I’m talking to you!” Cartman, fat as ever, refused to keep up with Kyle’s striding. “Stop!”
“What?!” Kyle finally turned around, in the hallway adjacent to the restrooms. Craig and Tweek stood by the door.
“Why would it be humiliating for people to know you’re with me?” Cartman finally enunciated.
Kyle closed his eyes, pinching the area between his eyebrows. “You know damn well why.”
“No, Kyle, why don’t you tell me why?!” The brunette yelled.
Silently fuming, the aforementioned clenched his fist.
“I asked why, Kyle!”
“...”
“Kyle!”
“Because I don’t want to be seen with you, that’s why!” Kyle vociferated. “Because you’re the last person anyone would wanna date!” The guy grabbed his ushanka in frustration. “Fuck! I knew this was a mistake!” He glared at Tweek and Craig. “And you assholes better not say a thing about this!”
Before they even had a chance to respond, Kyle disappeared through the exit door, leaving them all in silence. After a while, Cartman turned to stare at them and, boy, if looks could kill. Craig was mildly prepared for a verbal assault but, instead, Cartman just walked the other way.
Well, at least that was different, he thought, as Tweek bombarded him with questions.
–
The remains of their day were pretty much like Craig’s dream and by night he was beginning to believe he could be developing some future viewing powers. Not that he was particularly interested in them, though. However, it wasn’t too bad, in a sense. His days were very similar to each other, so it was like living another regular day of his. Nothing more than that. And maybe, for any kind of trouble, he could use this new ability to dodge them. Such as to avoid Cartman and those guys for the rest of his life. Yeah, that was pretty cool. He could try to get the best out of it.
–
When he opened his eyes the next day, he felt rejuvenated and lazy at the same time so he stayed in bed for a bit more. It was sunday, he could oversleep. He really didn’t have anything to do. Maybe he could hit up the guys later to play soccer for a bit or something. And then get Token to invite them over. That guy always has the best booze and snacks. Weren’t his parents away for the weekend too? Perfect timing, then. Yeah, it was a chill sunday and he could waste it away.
Eventually, he got up and saw his dad heading to the bathroom. He was about to greet him when his dad winked at him, making a finger gun gesture before he closed the bathroom door behind him.
Huh?
Huh?!?!?!?!?!??!
Craig looked down the stairs in slight alarm. No…no way right?
He dashed to the first floor without thinking. There, he heard a noise in the kitchen. Please, let it be his mom. Please, let it be his mom. Please, let it…
As if waiting for him, the moment he walked into the kitchen, Tweek’s terror-stricken expression welcomed him. “C-Craig…” He whimpered, letting go of the pan in his hand.
–
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Craig inquired.
“I-I thought I was freaking out about nothing!” Tweek held his head in his hands. “Wait! Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“I didn’t wanna freak you out.” Craig averted his gaze. “I, uh…I thought I was developing some kind of superpower…” He mumbled.
“Craig!” The intonation in Tweek’s voice made him realize how stupid he sounded.
“Okay, I was wrong, so…”
“Agh! What the hell is happening?!” Tweek pulled from his hair strands. “Why are we living this day for the third time?! Is God trying to punish us for something?!”
“Why would God…”
His boyfriend paced around the kitchen, desperately. “God, if you’re listening, please help us! We’ll do anything! Agh!”
“Tweek, just calm down-”
Some sort of thunder struck down the kitchen, or at least sounded exactly like that. As white light began blinding him, Craig tried to reach for his partner but the blond was too far away.
“Tweek!” He heard himself scream before everything went dark.
–
And that’s how they got themselves into this situation.
“Do you have any questions?” Jesus, yeah, that Jesus, politely smiled at them.
After the strange thunder, they woke up in a white room, no, more like white space. In front of them were Jesus and the monkey-like creature that the other assured was God.
“Ah…” Tweek bleated weakly.
“Yeah.” Craig raised his voice. “Why are you the one doing the talking, why did this happen to us and will you do something about it.” He listed his queries impassively.
“My Father only talks to humans on very special occasions.”
Raising his eyebrows, Craig pressed on. “Such as?”
With an awkward expression, Jesus admitted. “...Every 2000 years.”
“Is that really God?!” Tweek sounded incredulous. “He’s so ugly!” He observed and Craig would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so annoyed by the current situation.
“Please don’t incur in my Father’s rage.” The guy appeared nervous although God hadn’t really moved. Actually, did he move at all? He was like a statue.
“So this isn’t a dream?! This is for real?!” Tweek shrieked.
Jesus seemed overwhelmed by the questioning. “Yes, this is 100% real, you two are stuck in a time loop as we speak.”
“Why.” Craig asked, straight-faced.
“W-Well, like I said…” Jesus wiped the sweat off his forehead. “You walked in on Cartman and Kyle, thus ruining their date.” Upon seeing Craig didn’t seem convinced, he elaborated. “Look, Eric Cartman is no ordinary human. No matter how ridiculous the things he says are, he’s often right. And he can so easily attain goals that would be impossible for a normal person. It’s like the universe bends at his will. It’s a very strange phenomenon that we can’t quite explain, either.”
“No shit.” Craig blurted and the way Jesus glanced at his Dad was mildly satisfying.
“He must really want things to work out with Kyle if he’s willing to repeat the same day over and over.” God’s son finalized his explanation.
“So he’s doing this on purpose?”
“No, it’s not out of his own will. It seems to be an unconscious refusal to give up. Cartman’s not the type to let go of the things he wants and this seems to be the first time he’s monumentally been f-” Jesus forcefully coughed. “...screwed over. He had never done this before.” He added.
“Oh, God!” Tweek attempted to pull from his hair again.
“Is anyone else aware besides us two?” Craig gestured at Tweek and him.
“No.” Jesus paused gravely. “That’s how we figured out he’s trying to punish you two. Everyone else, and I mean everyone else is living this day without the faintest memory they already went through it twice.”
“Even Kyle?” Tweek chimed in.
“Even Kyle.” Jesus nodded. “Cartman is convinced you two are to blame.”
Well, that was bullshit. Kyle clearly had a problem with going out with Cartman. Tweek and him seeing them kiss was only the last straw for him. Then again, it was very predictable of that guy to blame complete two innocent bystanders rather than acknowledge his own twisted and off putting personality.
“Can’t you fix it?!” Tweek demanded. “This is not our fault, man!”
“The day will keep repeating itself as long as the result is the same.” Jesus serenely replied.
“Okay, then, we’ll stay the fuck out of their way this time.” Craig declared.
“Actually, that’s what we wanted to talk to you about.” Jesus stood right next to his father and Craig couldn’t help wondering how the fuck were they related. “We want to give you a mission.”
“A mission?!” Tweek repeated.
“Oh, no.” Craig stepped back.”No way.”
“We want you to ensure their date is a success.” Jesus said and it felt like a death sentence.
“Agh?!”
“What?! Why don’t You do it?” Craig pointed at them both with indignation. “You’re God and God’s son! You could solve this with a snap of your fingers!”
“My Father prefers not to interfere in these matters.” Jesus clasped his hands together. “We believe there’s a reason this time loop has taken place and we want to see it taken care of, the traditional way.”
Traditional way? What traditional way?! They were stuck in a goddamn time loop! Nothing about it was even close to traditional!
Craig inhaled deeply, attempting to regain his calm. “And if we refuse, we’ll be repeating this saturday for eternity.”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
He stared at Tweek for a moment, getting lost in those wide, hazel brown eyes. God damn it, it’s not like they had a choice, did they?
“Alright.” He sighed, his eyes meeting Jesus’. “We’ll do it.”
“Craig?!”
He let his hands fall on Tweek’s shoulders. “Look, honey, it’s not like we have a lot of options. Let’s return to our usual days as soon as possible, okay?” He rubbed Tweek’s shoulders.
“How are we gonna make them work, though?! Agh!” His boyfriend twitched. “Kyle and Cartman, I mean!”
Honestly, he didn't want to think about that. “We’ll…figure it out.” He turned to God and Jesus. “So you’re basically asking us to set up the worst guy on the entire planet with the dude he’s creepily obsessed with?”
“Yup.”
Well, there went any belief that karma existed. “Okay.” Craig accepted. “But I have two conditions.”