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It was a cold morning. No surprise there. South Park was rather chill throughout the year but once the first signs of Christmas start to appear the town grows even colder. While stomping through the thick snow, letting his eyes wander around the various beautifully decorated front yards, an especially cold wind hit Kenny. He shuddered, wishing their only good thermos flask wasn’t with his dad on the road currently. He could really use it just now.
The night had already been a shitshow for the tall blond. Professor Chaos and General Disaster were for once competent and actually got him good this time. A few dark bruises on his upper torso were there as a proof. He mad a mental note to not ever underestimate the two again. It should be nothing new by now… For how long had he been doing this? A few years probably. But this time was the very first time that he actually felt bored in his superhero role.
Kenny didn’t know if it was connected to his general gloomy mood currently, but recently being Mysterion sucked a little ass. He liked protecting the town of course, he loved listening to his little sisters praise as it was his sweetest payment, but now for the first time putting on the ever evolving purple costume made him feel some sort of dread.
Somewhat annoyed he kicked a little snow mountain on his left and continued on his way. This feeling of dread annoyed him. He was THE town hero. Extolled in newspapers occasionally, his sister still drew pictures of his secret identity and yet it didn’t feel enough. But what would feel enough?
Kenny didn’t have much more time to think about it, was the bus stop came into sight. Cartman and Kyle were already hearable from the distance and Stan just stood there, looking bored.
As the blond arrived and took his place next to Stan, he listened in on Cartman and Kyle.
“You’re the dumbest person alive fatass!” “And you’re the greediest jew the world has ever seen asshole! You wont fucking share lunch, when I forget mine? You’re such a fucking dick!” Kenny rolled his eyes, leaning closer to Stan. “I’m guessing Cartman forgot his lunch and asked Kyle for money?” He asked the amused black haired who nodded. In a careful whisper, he answered; “Yep. When Kyle refused the money, he asked for half his sandwich. You can figure what happened.” The two friends chuckled and continued to just watch their two bickering friends.
“Staaaan…” Cartman eventually said in a cute voice and puppy eyes, while he dashed past the redheaded Kyle. “Will you lend me moooney? O-Or half a Sandwich? Anything.” Stan sheepishly smiled. “Sorry Dude, I have legit no money on me. And I also forgot my lunch.” “Ill pay for you!” Kyle chipped in. “You fucking bitch! Kyle! Why him and not me?!”
Kenny couldn’t help but laugh. His friends were simply too amusing. “I have a sandwich Cartman. Take it, I’m sure Butters is willing to give you some money later.” He said and opened his roughed-up backpack to hand Cartman a brown paper bag. Greedily Cartman diged through it, seemingly content with the offered meal. “See? This is why Kenny is my best friend you dumb fucks.” Cartman quickly moved place and now stood beside Kenny, while Kyle stared at him annoyed and Stan looked just bored.
“Aaanyways…” Stan began to finally move the topic from Cartman to something else. “Did yall hear what happened last night?” Everyone shook their head, so Stan continued. “Mysterion interfered with Professor Chaos last night! He apparently got injured a little bit so maybe if someone doesn’t show up today, we could figure out who he is!” “Finally! I always wanted to know who that asshat is! The Coon had to retire because of some poser asshole who doesn’t know how to wear fucking underpants!” Cartman hollered, to which Kenny rolled his eyes. He didn’t wear his underpants on the outside for years now, but it was the only attack Cartman had so he didn’t say anything.
“He could still just come and hide bruises.” Kyle threw in and Stan and Kenny nodded along. “God, Id give everything to know who he is. I mean. He is one of us. Everyone could be him! Except Cartman.” “EY!” Cartman was promptly ignored, and Kyle continued his rave about wanting to know who is behind that mask.
“How come all of you are so interested in that? I mean, are you that horny for some Superman look-a-like?” Kenny asked, enjoying the short hesitation from Stan and Kyle. Cartman meanwhile immediately replied. “Well, as the president of the Coon fan club, I wanna know where to send our hate mail. That’s why I need to know who that asshole is.” All three guys rolled their eyes.
A little bit down the street their school bus came up, so the four got ready to board it. Kyle and Stan quickly snatched seats for themselves, discussing their lunch plans. Cartman chose Butters as his seating buddy, since he was about to beg for money.
Kenny smoothly let himself fall next to Craig, one of his best friends. “Heeyy⁓” Kenny teased him with a singing voice. Craig smiled lazily. “What happened this morning?” Craig asked, while lazily scrolling through his phone. “Cartman forgot his lunch, Kyle didn’t want to give him money, that pissed him off, Stan didn’t have anything either, so Kyle will pay for him, that made Cartman shit bricks and then I gave him the shit my mum prepared.” Craig exhaled audibly through his nose, signaling his amusement. “I really don’t get why you don’t just fully separate form them and hang with us.” Kenny would be lying if he said he didn’t think about that a couple of times. “I am kinda stuck with them. I also don’t wanna make all your friends jealous when you only got eyes for the magnificent Kenny.” Craig now laughed loudly. The black haired shook his head in an amused manner and showed Kenny the news on his phone.
“Are really all of you obsessed with Mysterion? Damn, he must have a twelve-pack underneath that costume.” Craig flicked the blond’s cheek playfully and put his phone in his pocket. “Aw, come on, as if you’re the only person in our year that doesn’t care about him.” “I do. And just so you know, there are a few people who do not care about him. Like the goths, your cousin, Cartman.” Craig just chuckled again and shook his head.
“I bet you just don’t wanna admit you like a hero that’s unobtainable for you!” Craig teased, but he should have known, that Kenny is a King in that métier.
Kenny leaned closer, hand now resting on Craigs upper thigh, and he seductively whispered in his, careful to not let anyone else hear. “Mysterion might be unobtainable for me, but I bet if I just wear something similar to him, you’d be all over me.” Quickly Kenny leaned back, removed his hand, and just closed his eyes, relaxing while he heard Craig swallow audibly.
“You’re such a fucking tease Ken.” A sly smile formed on the blond’s lips. “I know. But you started it.”
Almost lunch time and Kenny’s gloomy mood began to slowly creep up again. He was all alone in his chemistry class. Sure, Tweek, Token, Wendy and Bebe were in here, but those were all people he didn’t talk to all that much. He was close with Craig and even a little with Clyde, but that closeness didn’t transfer to the rest of his friends’ group. He had done all his tasks already, he was surprisingly good at chemistry, so he rests his upper body on the table, thinking about what he’d do during lunch.
The whole teasing people about his secret identity was surprisingly fun, exactly the type of distraction he needed. It was fun, seeing Craigs flustered face… Priceless. Absolutely priceless.
And he still had Kyle, oh his beloved. Could he make him blush? Could he get him to stumble over his words?
This was evolving into a game. A game for Kenny to carelessly engage in for his own amusement. The corners of his mouth curled upwards into a lazy smile. “Game on, bitches.”
Just as the bell rang and echoed through the corridors, the lab door busted open and a very enthusiastic Kenny skipped through it. He turned some corner, and quickly found his way to the cafeteria, where he easily found Kyle and Stan chatting near the vending machines. He extended his arms, each landing on either Kyles or Stans shoulders and poked his head in between theirs. “What’s going on here?” Kenny asked, forging innocence.
“Just me buying Stan some snacks for lunch.” Kyle said in a bored tone as he pressed the numbers into the machine. Kenny removed his arms and watched his friends in their food endeavor. Kenny was just casually playing rock, paper, scissors with Stan as the two heard Kyle curse under his breath. “Useless piece of shit.” “What happened?” Stan questioned and the two boys saw the new predicament. The bag of chips Kyle wanted got stuck. “This day. I swear. First Cartman fucks with me and now this. I hate it here!” Kyle exclaimed, slowly loosing his temper. “Step aside peasants!” Kenny spoke and began taking his parka off.
He was happy that he had no obvious bruises on his arms, as he only wore on of his standard white t-shirts.
The blond got down to fiddle his arm into the machine. “Kenny stop, you’ll get stuck.” Kyle said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Kyle is right you- Guys, have a little faith in me.” The blond to their feet said, while twisting his body. To his friends surprise, his finger tips actually touched the chips and after a few attempts he finally got a little bit of it between his fingers to pull it down. Impressed Kyle and Stan start clapping once Kenny extracted the formerly stuck goods and his now slightly bruised arm.
“Mysterion for poor people.” Stan giggled as he greedily opened the chips.
“I’ll be your dollar store Mysterion anytime, sweet cheeks.” “What’s up with your mood today? You’re even more flirtatious and usually.” Kenny simply shrugged and his two friends accepted that. Sometimes there really was no explanation needed.
With Stan happily munching on his chips the three picked a table to sit at and Kyle wandered of to get his food. “Aren’t you hungry?” Stan asked his blond friend, who only shook his head. His golden locks framed his face elegantly, and his blue eyes mustered Stan attentively. “Not really. Besides, I’m sure Kyle will spare me something.” Stan stuffed another chip in his mouth, shrugging, unsure if Kenny would be right. As Kyle came back, he gave Kenny the apple that came with the lunch here and Stan the pudding.
“There. Now mama Kyle has fed us.” Kenny joked which earned him an eyeroll from the redhead. “Just be grateful and eat.” Stan and Kenny smiled before thanking Kyle for sharing and starting to eat their respective little gifts. Kenny kept eyeing his two close friends, waiting for them to give him a good opportunity to strike. He happily munched on his apple while listening to Kyle and Stan make theories who could be Mysterion. “I hate that the only one we can exclude for real is Cartman.” Kyle mumbled and Stan nodded in agreement.
“You really can’t enjoy a mystery. Isn’t that the fun? That he could be any of us? Imagine getting that Spiderman kiss and later you find out you kissed someone close to you. Like me!” Kenny spoke with a cheeky smile. “Honestly. A spiderman kiss from Mysterion? I wouldn’t say no, I think no one would decline.” Kyle said and poked his fork into his lasagna, before sliding his tray to Stan, who happily ate the rest Kyle left.
“Shall I climb the rope in PE, let myself fall over backwards and give you that kiss Kyle?” Kenny asked and enjoyed the flustered expression Kyle had on his face. Stan giggled like a little schoolgirl upon seeing his super best friend this flustered. “No thanks. Don’t wanna get herpes.” “Aw, Kyle. You really only want Mysterion? Wow. That hurts!” Kenny pretended to be hurt before all three chuckled. “You’re slowly starting to sound obsessed with him. Maybe you wanna distract us from the fact that you’re Mysterion!”
Kenny had an excellent pokerface, so he just shook his head, amused that his friends were right, but would never know.
“I’m sorry to disappoint, but no. Trust me, I’d suck that dudes dick, he saved my sister a couple of times. By the way did you hear he’s supposed to have like a 7-inch dick!” Kenny loved spewing this random bullshit that was too dumb to believe, especially when his two friends blushed a little. “Where did ya hear that from?”
“Those celebrity news sites.” Stan raised an eyebrow. “Those sites write about him?”
“Sometimes.” Kyle said, resting his head on his arms.
Their conversation was interrupted by Cartman taking his seat next to Kenny. “Butters is a fucking bitch and needs to learn to share more!”
Kenny rolled his eyes, knowing that now he couldn’t really continue with his fun any longer. Cartman would just call them all gay and make fun of them.
Lunch continued with Cartman raving about how much Butters sucked and that he was a bad friends. Tired the three listened until their ways had to part, as the bell demanded it. Kenny bit his lip in anticipation as he remembered who was in class with him. Craig Tucker.
Full of vigor Kenny made his way to class and picked the chair right next to Craig, who was already there. “Punctual for once?” Craig said and chuckled when he spotted Kenny orange parka next to him. “I could say the same thing about you.” “How was lunch?” “Mama Kyle fed us and I was a dollar store Mysterion because I got my hand in the vending machine to get Stan his chips.” Craig nodded and a lazy smile was on his lips upon hearing of dollar store Mysterion. “Get can get your arm in there?” “Yeah, why?”
“That dumb piece of shit machine took my five dollars last week and my chocolate bar got stuck. They need to replace it. It constantly does that and Tweek has the thinnest arm but didn’t want to put it in.” Craig rambled. “Lemme guess… Too scared the machine is gonna break his arm and it needs to be amputated?” Craig nodded, mumbling a; “Yes, roughly like that.”
“Well, I shall call myself Vending machine boy and safe all you folks from remaining snackless.” Heroically Kenny showed off his arms and Craig playfully punched his shoulder. “I shall request your help next time then.” “Top ten heroes hotter than Mysterion. Number one, Vending machine boy.” The two boys laughed. “Keep dreaming.” Craig mumbled as the teacher walked in, asking everybody to quiet down.
The remaining classes just passed by. Kenny had a good mood and came up with a fun little experiment for after school. An experiment involving his very good friend Kyle and to be more precise, he wanted to see if he could get Kyle to kiss him, using the little Spiderman kiss idea they spoke about earlier.
After saying goodbye to Craig, Kenny wandered through the halls, hoping to find a specific redhead with a green hat.
That whole Spiderman kiss thing wouldn’t leave his wandering mind and he really wanted to test a theory. Finally his blue eyes landed on his redheaded friend, who was currently busy with his locker. With quick steps he came over, casually leaning on the lockers next to him.
“Hey, you busy now?” Kenny asked and Kyle turned to him, closing his locker. “Nope. Just planned on walking home. Stan has football training today, care to walk with me?” Kyle asked, which made Kenny automatically smile brightly. “Won’t leave ya side, pretty boy.” Kyle rolled his green eyes at the nickname but shouldered his backpack quickly, making his way outside with the tall blond beside him.
The walk was silent, but it was a comfortable silence. One in which you can just let your thoughts wander freely, or like Kenny, keep being on the lookout for something that could help his theory. Once he spotted a peculiar tree, he found his desired object. Quickly the taller one grabbed Kyles hand and dragged him towards the tree. Kenny heard Kyle ask questions under his breath, but he paid no mind to that. The branch Kenny needed was covered in snow, so he quickly pushed it off while jumping. “What. Are you. Doing.” Kyle asked slowly as he watched Kenny climb the branch and hang upside down from it. “Gimme kiss Kyle.” Kyle blinked a couple of times, until he remembered the conversation from earlier.
“I said only for Mysterion dumbass.” Kyle tried to play it cool, but Kenny saw right through his façade. His reddened cheeks were probably red due to the chilled weather, but Kenny liked to imagine he was also partly to blame for that. “Aw, come on! I climbed a tree for you. This is the closest you’ll ever have to a Mysterion spiderman kiss!” Kenny crossed his arms in front of his chest and Kyle had to smile, since talking to a playfully annoyed Kenny who hangs upside down from a tree was somewhat amusing.
“You’re a dork.” Kenny laughed as well, though the sound that came from his throat was more of a squeal. "Aw, come on! You’re as much of a dork as I am!” “Maybe.” Kyle finally admitted, smiling at the blond. Kyle seemingly debated something in his head, until he let out a deep sigh and leaned in to give Kenny a peck on the cheek. “Not Mysterion, not a romantic setting, so only the cheek.” Kyle grinned cockily and Kenny finally got off the branch. Standing on his own feet felt odd for a hot second before he got his backpack. “I’ll accept that for now.” Kenny began, pointing his finger upwards as he shortly paused. “But next time I climb a tree for you I demand at least two kisses.”
“Then just don’t climb the tree dummy.” Kyle said and walked past him, determined to make it home.
“Just appreciate my effort to make your wildest dreams come true!” “My true dream is a world without the fatass in it.” Kyle grumbled. “Well, I’ll keep that one in mind, but I am afraid that wish is harder to fulfill.”
The two shared a laugh and continued in their walk. Once they reached their destination, Kyle quickly unlocked his front door but didn’t say goodbye just yet. “You know what?” Kyle spoke up, pulling Kenny out of his thoughts. The blond was already thinking about where to patrol the streets tonight as Mysterion.
“That tree thing you did was actually a really sweet idea. Thank you.” Kenny smiled at Kyle warmly. “No thanks needed. It’s my duty as a dollar store Mysterion.” Kyle chuckled, shook his head bid his goodbye before disappearing inside.
With a pleasant smile plastered onto his face Kenny walked the way back to his own home. Unlike this morning he felt at peace and motivated. Knowing that his friends were all more or less impressed, thankful maybe even for his work as a hero… It had him smile.
What they’d say if they knew he was Mysterion? He could only imagine. His mind came up with all sorts of scenarios, some more realistic than others.
Kenny felt more than motivated to slip into the costume tonight. He really should tease the others more often.
A vibration in his pocket ripped think out of his thoughts. Quickly he got his phone out and unlocked it to see the message.
"Wanna maybe watch the Spiderman movies? All your talking about him, Mysterion and all that made me crave it."
It was from Kyle.
"So like a date? :)"
"If you'd like to?"
"That'd be great."
Kenny smiled as he typed his message. Today was a wonderful day and who knows, maybe Mysterion would pay a visit to a certain redheaded friend...