Chapter Text
Black Friday: 7:07 PM
Amity Blight is sitting in her car, crying. Her green hair is messy in her red face. She just pulled into the parking lot of her college campus. Just getting done with the long journey from New York to her dorm in Connecticut. She wishes it was longer. So long she could justify never having to come home after a semester started. Amity felt pathetic and ashamed thinking about it but this is the only place she truly is comfortable calling her home. She takes the key out of the ignition but she can’t work up the energy to get out of her seat just yet. Instead she leans it back and exhales sharply. She feels the cold creeping in to her seat but she doesn’t care. She needs a second to think about her weekend. She turns up her loud angst-filled music so she doesn’t actually have to think that much.
She sits like this. Getting colder, letting the music shake her, and letting her tears dry when the phone rings. Amity is startled at first and jumps up. It’s Luz Noceda. Amity’s best and in some ways only friend at college. Amity picks up without even thinking.
“Uh hi it’s me Luz. Obviously. Why are you calling?” Amity set the phone to speaker and put it on her chest.
“Amity you told me you got into a fight with your parents and then told me to call remember? I’m so sorry I was busy yesterday and today.” Luz sounded concerned. Worry shaking their voice.
“Oh. I did huh. Sorry the whole drive my mind was just racing.” Amity exhaled sharply again. She was close to hyperventilating.
“I understand. Well it’s good you’re in the dorm now. Do you wanna tell me what happened? No pressure if it's too much.” Luz was concerned but wanted to give Amity space to talk on her own terms so they stopped short of being pushy.
“It’s not even like anyone did anything, it's just now that I’m not living there anymore you know. Whenever I go back there I feel like I’m suffocating. Like physically it hurts to be around mom. What’s wrong with me Luz? God I don’t know how I’m going to do winter break there. A whole month? I’m going to die.” Amity was getting herself worked up with her breathing more
“Amity sweetie I think that’s dysphoria you have. You’ll be okay, I'm here for you, I'm fine. Did you get to wear the outfit we picked for thanksgiving?” Luz was holding back her worry in order to try and ground their friend.
“I didn’t. It’s not even like I brought it up to mom. I just, she had a… not as good outfit and I was too scared to question her. Still! Am I going to live my whole life under her judgment? I hate this so much Luz. I’m such a coward.”
“You aren’t a coward. Parents are scary. Especially from all I’ve heard of yours. Just try and take a second and do box breathing okay? Don’t tear yourself up over this. Odalia isn’t worth it.”
Amity started to focus on her breathing. In for four seconds, hold for four seconds, out for four seconds, and rest for four seconds. After a few rounds of this she was able to get her head mostly on right. Her cold default demeanor returning. “Thanks. What had happened is that I didn’t realize that some of my extended family doesn’t know until I got there. I was too scared to even tell them so I had to wear like. Pants and stuff you know. I think Emira was the only person to call me Amity all day.”
“Not even Ed? They both seemed pretty excited for you. Based on stories you told me”
“Edric didn’t show. Honestly. Good for him, he made the right choice.” Amity focused on her breathing a little bit more. “Although it would be a lie to say that me and Emira didn’t miss him yesterday.”
“I hope he’s doing well. Anyways Amity yeah. Coming out to family is hard. Even if they say they’re accepting putting yourself out there it’s scary I know.” Luz’s voice brought some calm to Amity. She was glad to have a friend like them to help.
“I’ve never come out to any of my family. I ended up being caught by mom and dad and then she just told everyone else. After I told her not to.”
“I’m so sorry Amity. It’s really gross to be outed like that. Luckily you’re at a point in your life where nobody you meet in the future needs to know about your past. They don’t deserve to know either. Just remember that. You’re who you are now and nothing will change that.”
“That’s true, I just feel so awful. I spent most of Thursday hiding. I feel like I was pretending to be the person I was. I hate that person! I hate him! I want him dead!” Amity exploded in anger at herself.
“You’re already there. I think you’re perfect Amity. I really do. You’re a girl I promise you. Unless you don’t wanna be but you are what you say you are. No matter what. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”
“I really don’t feel that way. I don’t see it at all. I’m so scared of what’s happening even though it’s what I’ve wanted for so long.” Amity was talking in circles and working herself up again.
“Yeah. That’s how dysphoria is Amity. You probably didn’t realize how it truly felt until you had to hide again. Amity. I see how excited you get when you get a new skirt or when one of the cis girls compliment you. Even at the meet up we went to on Wednesday. You can feel good and I’ll stick by you to help you. Just remember that you don’t owe those two anything. You really don’t.”
“I wish I didn’t value others' approval so much. It’s so hard, Luz. I’ve always wanted to feel cis. Whatever that means. Now though? I don’t know, I think I just wanna feel like Amity. Whatever that means...” Amity moved her seat up and stretched.
“I’ll help you figure it out, I promise. If I’m honest I think you may value the approval of cis people a bit too much. I get why it’s just that even when they love you it’s often hard for them to get you truly. I often feel like I’m tolerated at best. That’s why I’m glad I have you Amity. You get me and support me. I hope I get you too. We’re in this together yeah?”
“We are Luz. I... wow thanks that makes me feel really good actually. Thank you. I’m glad you can trust in me.”
“Do you have something else you wanna say about your parents?” Luz tried to make Amity feel calm. They wanted to make sure Amity was able to speak freely about the two.
“Yeah. When I packed up all my stuff to leave, that's when mom got mad at me. She was mad that I was hiding in my room, that I didn’t spend time with her, that I was so nonverbal. I said that I never knew what she wanted me to say. I don’t even think she knows what dysphoria is. I still feel terrible for not spending time with her though.” Amity got quiet especially as she mentioned dysphoria.
“You shouldn't feel terrible. Your mother isn’t owed your presence and you need to do what you can to stop feeling awful feelings.” Luz started to get worked up as they thought about what being home was like for Amity.
“I know but I think I hurt her. Dad didn’t care as always. It’s just how he is. I can’t tell which one I hate more” Amity’s tone changed as she spoke about her dad turning a bit more cruel to him.
“I don’t care that you hurt her. She should know better. I see how much of a mess you are every time you come home from your parents. Please don’t feel bad, Amity. You’re only 19.”
“I still do. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I hated her. That would be easy. This sucks. When I left I said I was going home. It just slipped out. Mom seemed genuinely confused about what I meant.” Amity’s breath was short as she tried to hold back tears again.
“Are you crying? Are you okay? I can come to campus early if you need. Mami will understand.”
“No no I’ll be fine. Just a weekend at campus. No food other than what I make. This should be relaxing and not at all nerve wracking. Besides, you should spend time away from this dump.”
“Hrmm. You sure?” Luz asked out of worry and caution.
“I promise I’ll be fine. Hell it’s getting cold.” Amity started to focus on breathing again to calm down.
“Getting cold? Amity are you outside? Did the heater break again?” Luz seemed worried as she fired off questions.
“No, I'm in my car. I just. Couldn’t bother getting up. I’ll move now though.” Amity picked up her bookbag and her purse to start to leave.
“Was your heat on at least?” Luz got very concerned suddenly.
“No, I wanted to save gas.”
“Amity oh my god I love you but you’re gonna freeze to death. Text me when you get inside the dorm. Goodbye.” Luz said and quickly hung up.
Amity was shocked at how quick that conversation changed. She was also really thrown that Luz said they loved her. They’d never said that to each other. Although Amity thought it more than she’d like to admit. “Luz probably just said that as a friend. Don’t overthink it. Please get out of the car now, Amity.” She spoke to herself to try to calm herself down.
8:35 PM
Amity was overthinking what Luz said. She had been in her hall for about ten minutes but still hadn’t texted them that she made it. She had put her stuff down and was pacing back and forth through the hall. Something she’d usually never do out of fear of being seen but there was almost nobody else in the halls today as everyone was with family. She felt pathetic being alone this weekend but she knew she would feel worse with family around.
“Relax Amity. Just breathe. Luz would be more upset if you didn’t message just let them know you’re okay.”
Amity -
- Hey Luz. Made it back with all my stuff. Hands are a little cold but other than that I’m fine. Just 43 hours until the food hall opens back up Sunday.
Amity hit send and wanted to throw her phone on the floor. She felt so embarrassed. She didn’t want Luz to feel put out by her. She couldn’t help but feel like she was wasting Luz’s time. Amity put her back against the wall and slid to the floor. The pink skirt she had changed into spreading out as she hit the black carpet on the ground.
When she looked up Amity noticed she was sitting right across from Luz’s room. Amity hated to admit she missed her friend. She felt so weak relying on her. She never relied on someone’s emotional support like this before.
Amity also noticed a red beanie right outside Luz’s door. She grabbed it and held it tight. “Oh hell this is Luz’s. She would be so worried if this wasn’t here when she came back.”
Ding! Amity’s phone went off.
Luz -
- I’m glad you’re safe. just keep things easy this weekend okay? don’t judge yourself based on how much you get done. just on if you can relax ya know. I’ll see you sunday! I miss you.
Amity -
- It’s hard to admit for me but I miss you too. I’m so sorry you have to deal with me. I know you do so much for me.
- I feel like I’m so self centered.
Luz -
- shush girl. I’m here for you because I want to be. I’m not gonna give up on you. did you make dinner?
Amity -
- I didn’t but I will. I promise.
Luz -
- you should. then relax for the night?
Amity -
- I will. Oh by the way I found your beanie, it was outside your door.
Luz -
- oh thank you so much for finding it! I’m so glad it’s safe with you.
- my door is unlocked so you can put it in my room if you wanna bother.
Amity -
- No problem, I'll take good care of it.
Wait, your door is unlocked???
- Anyway I’m going to make dinner.
- I love you too by the way.
Amity threw her phone on the floor.
9:04 PM
A pot of water was boiling on the dorm’s stove in the all white kitchen as Amity absentmindedly scrolled through Twitter. Looking at her favorite artists and accounts on Twitter to try and distract herself, looking at Luz’s twitter a little too much, and humming to herself as she listened to the same songs on repeat. She opened up the package of ramen and threw it in without even looking. She checked her texts more than she’d like to admit. Luz was probably just busy. It was the night after Thanksgiving and all. She still couldn’t get the thought of her mind. She paced again. Luz hadn’t texted back. “Does she hate me now? Should I have just said goodbye? I know they aren’t sleeping, it's too early.” Amity talked to herself. Something she often did when nobody was around to judge her for it. It helped her think clearly. Stopped her from talking over herself. She wasn’t really focused on cooking.
9:08 PM
The pot boiled over.
9:14 PM
Amity was able to finish her ramen. She was out of eggs so it was as basic as possible.
It didn’t really matter to her. She just needed to make sure she put some food in her body. She didn’t take any leftovers home. Odalia said Amity was using her for food. Amity decided to not take any food home and eat garbage all weekend just to prove her mom wrong. Only issue is now she was eating garbage all weekend, Ramen wasn’t too terrible at least. She kept checking her phone over and over. Nothing new other than black friday deals she didn’t really trust.
10:26 PM
“Ugh I can’t handle this anymore.” Amity pulled out her phone and shot Luz a text.
Amity -
- I’m sorry I said that. Not that I don’t love you but it was just really embarrassing and I didn’t mean to like pressure you to answer.
Luz’s response was immediate.
Luz -
- did you eat dinner yet?
Amity -
- Oh uh yeah I have. Just ramen. Nothing too good for me I know.
Luz -
- well I’m glad you had something. routine is important. I just didn’t want to distract you. I'm here.
Amity -
- Well I’m glad. I was really worried you thought I was embarrassing or stupid or something.
Luz -
- I don’t think that. I really meant what I said. I love you.
Amity -
- As a friend or do you mean like…
- Actually just forget I asked.
Luz -
- that’s a secret~
Amity -
- God you are such an asshole.
- I love you too though.
Luz -
- I’m glad but wanna talk about this in person sunday? how about we meet when the food hall opens at 3? Just
Amity -
- Looking forward to it.
Luz-
- me too <3 for now you should play a video game or something. purely for you and you only. It’s okay to be a little selfish. oh and make sure to take your meds!
Amity -
- Will do. See you sunday.
Amity put her phone down and squealed with a mix of excitement and fear as she grabbed her pillow. She wasn’t sure exactly what Luz wanted but it seemed good. Maybe the two of them would go on a date? Or maybe they’d ask to be a couple even? Thoughts and ideas raced in her mind. Amity was ashamed to admit the heart Luz sent made her a tiny bit manic. Amity looked around her room as she tried to ground herself back to reality. It was a single she had gotten because she emailed the college about her concerns of having a cis roommate. She was still pretty shocked she got to be on the girls side of the hall at all along with getting her room request met. She had hung up posters of her favorite games. Bloodborne, Celeste, Breath of the Wild. She also had figures of anime characters and a couple gundam models on her windowsill. She remembers the first time Luz saw her room a couple months ago she joked that Amity had extremely basic transfemme taste. Something which Amity couldn’t really dispute but was a bit self conscious about.
Amity’s eyes eventually got stuck on the trans flag on her wall that Luz had given her as a gift. Still full of creases from being folded as she didn’t have a good way to steam it at college. The flag made Amity Think about Luz but more than that it made Luz think about herself.
I’m just a couple months away from her parents. Amity had really changed how she saw her own identity. Before now she saw it as a mistake. As being born wrong. Something she had to hide. Now though? While it is true Amity wasn’t exactly one who wished to stand out now being trans was a bit more of a source of pride for her. Meeting Luz made her realize that meeting other trans people was something she wanted to seek out. Her mind went back to a local meetup Amity went to with Luz to meet other trans people. Amity tried to capture how she felt. She knew she was buzzing with excitement afterwards it felt hard to believe that was just a couple days ago
“I guess what Luz said is true. Being around people like me is the way I can feel the best about myself.” Amity sighed and laid in bed letting her thoughts run wild.
10:37 PM
Amity was playing Hades now. Just letting time pass as she fiddled on her switch. Not thinking about her mom and dad, or Luz, or anyone. Just letting herself be in her own skin. Trying to be someone enjoying her own time. She had barely taken any time for herself. Being in her dorm with her stuff was a mood booster already. Her room at home was always so preplanned, rigid, and formal. Not to mention it was painted blue with furniture that was from before Amity was a teenager. Amity was finally given the freedom to decorate when she was here. Nobody to tell her what she couldn’t do. She may have gone a bit overboard with the Good Witch Azura bed sheets but she didn’t care. This dorm was hers.
12:24 PM
Amity’s phone goes off
Luz -
- you’re probably asleep I hope. I just wanna make sure you had your meds if you haven’t
Amity scrambles to get her meds before responding. Taking all three pills out before opening a water bottle and drinking almost the entire thing. One of the pills hits the back of her throat and she gags before she texts Luz back.
Amity -
- Oh I’m gonna go to sleep pretty soon
actually.
- Usually I’m up until like 2 or so though this
is early for me.
- I just took my meds before you asked
though!
Luz -
- Good
- I’m heading to bed myself. So sweet dreams
okay night owl?
- you’re one of the strongest people I know so
just hang in there.
Amity
- You made sure to take your meds right?
- Oh and you sleep well too!
Luz
- haha of course I did! totally!
- okaybyegoodnightforrealnowAmity
1:46 PM
Amity Blight goes to bed. Her mind racing with thoughts of Luz and her parents. Feeling a mix of hopeful and awful. Hoping the next day can go even kind of good. Even though she had no idea what she was going to do or eat tomorrow.