Archive of Our Own ^beta

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[1 star] Didn't get me laid
Reviewed in Japan on June 13, 2016
Verified Purchase

I have many issues with this book.

But in order to explain, I first need to provide some extremely relevant background details.

So, on the 9th (because haha sex number) I’m on this social studies trip to the local TV station because school is boring af and the only thing I’m learning is how to fall asleep with my eyes open. And like it’s like kinda fine or w/e for a little while until life decides to start fucking me and me and my bro end up being forced to drag cables around the whole time. Did not appreciate--0/10, would not go again.

Anyway, once we were done lugging cables around as punishment for stopping some dude from sexually harassing my lesbo model friend we ended up in some random hallway because fuck it we’re not going back until we absolutely have to and hey i’ve got lockpicks who knows maybe we can steal smthg.

No. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I know how to pick locks and always have at least three on me at all times. If they’re allowed to bore us to death, we’re allowed to steal some shit from whatever knock-off celebrity they host here.

Crimes aside we (me + bro + model + cat i carry literally everywhere) were talking and my bro mentioned something about pancakes (idk it’s not important) and suddenly this dude appears at the other end of the hall.

And like, ok, imma be real here and say that I’ve always been at least a little bi. Probs leaning a bit more on the straight side, but I’ve always known I’m at least a little into dick. Ya know, just kinda casually, like I’ve given a bro (not my bro mind u) a handy b4 but that’s about it. But like h o l y f u c k was I not prepared for how fucking hot this dude was. Like he was a straight 11/10 EASY and then he turned to face us and smiled and like god my heart just fucking stopped.

And tbh I don’t even know what really happened afterwards because I obviously panicked like a moron and couldn’t talk at all because h o r n y so my bro who, for as much as I love him, I readily admit has no taste, gets all hostile towards the guy and chases him off and now my heart and dick are both crying and my cat started judging me very harshly which I. Do. Not. Appreciate.

BUT before he got chased away I managed to get his name so I spent the whole night just googling him and ignoring my cat who keepS BULLYING ME TO GO TO SLEEP. But yeah my very scientific research led me to realize that this man is in law enforcement which is emotionally conflicting because fuck the cops but also I wanna fuck that cop and also is he a cop?? Like he’s called a detective but ik he can’t be a detective because he’s still in high school and also he described himself as an intern which is hella weird considering this dude is on TV spreading propaganda so…Idk it’s kinda confusing. I’m just gonna say he’s mildly associated with law enforcement and leave that there.

So yeah I was sad at first because now I’m left with the name and pictures of the hottest man I’ve ever seen (even moreso than my hot artist friend who is v sexy too but rlly needs to eat more pls stop spending all ur money on paints yusuke i am begging you) but i don’t have his phone number or really ANY way of seeing him again BUT IT’S FINE because the next day I got to see him again because we went back to the TV station and he was filming for a show!!

AND THEN AFTERWARDS HE APPROACHED ME?!! OUT OF NOWHERE?!! ALL BECAUSE I DISSED HIM ON LIVE TELEVISION??!

And like alright so my immediate reaction is like where’s the catch but apparently there isn’t one?? Cause he gave me his number??? And it’s his legit number because I texted it and he responded???????

Like holy shit? Does this mean he's into me?? I really hope so because god I would sell my soul just for one night with this gorgeous man (even if his opinions are objectively wrong).

*Edit* Apparently I need to actually talk about the book for it to count as a review so here:

So I bought this because when the hot guy approached me that second time, he came at me quoting Hegel and I was kinda just like "alright kinda nerdy but still hot" (do thesis and antithesis count as pet names?) but anyway I needed excuses to message him and not seem weird so I decided to take it upon myself to research Hegel to impress this dude.

And god was this fucking BORING. Honestly, this man is sexy as hell but no dick is worth reading this entire piece of shit. God it was just so awful and like I'm sorry i tried my best but it's just too much.

**Update** TO MAKE THINGS WORSE--I FINALLY GOT MY CHANCE TO IMPRESS HIM WITH THE LITTLE KNOWLEDGE I OSMOSISED FROM THIS PIECE OF SHIT AND HE WASN'T EVEN IMPRESSED!!! LIKE WHY DID I BOTHER TO BUY THIS??

***Update 2*** IUFNJWNQFI THESIS AND ANTITHESIS DON’T EVEN ORIGINATE FROM THIS ASSHOLE WTF

So yeah, I'm down 2000 yen and I'm not even gonna get laid for it. Would not recommend--would rate 0/5 if possible.

2 people found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[2 stars] better than hegel
Reviewed in Japan on June 25, 2016
Verified Purchase

This book's better than the last one but that's not much of an achievement. I have read textbooks more interesting than Hegel. Please save me from this hell of my own making.

Anyway, so, despite the whole Hegel mess, the hot guy I met at the TV station hasn’t blocked me yet! Which is like actually shocking? Like i’m genuinely waiting for him to suddenly realize his mistake and cut all contact but he hasn’t yet?? In fact he’s done the exact opposite and actually invited me to go to Penguin Sniper w/ him a few days ago???

And like i’m def not gonna complain that he’s still talking to me bUT OF FUCKING COURSE even though the stars were literally aligned for me and hot guy to hang out I couldn’t go because apparently heisting the stupid bank of the stupid druglord i've been stupid blackmailed into stupid exposing to the stupid police is more important to my cat than the hot guy. I disagree but my cat is a ruthless totalitarian dictator who i literally cannot say no to.

But I talked to hot guy about it and he was ok w/ rescheduling to the next day so it ended up fine ig.

So I got to go to Penguin Sniper w/ him (where my cat ditched me bcuz he doesn't like me being horny but he's a total cockblock so i’m more than ok with him leaving) and like--alright. I've been to this place before w/ my bro cause he wanted to play darts and I was like ofc i'll hang out w/ u and it ended up being fun and p chill so I had an idea of what to expect. But this time…

This. Time.

Hoooollllllyyyyy shit is billiards hot.

Ok no that’s a lie the game itself isn’t sexy. I mean yes i like it cause hand-eye coordination is the one thing I’m good for and also I get to show off how sexy my learning skills are but that’s not what I’m talking about.

What i’m talking about is the fact that the ENTIRE time we were playing i just could not. Stop. staring. At. his. Ass. Like i thought this man was hot before but i didn’t know just how hot he was until he bent over the pool table right in front of me. And his LEGS! Holy hell i heard he does bouldering and cycling or w/e but i was not expecting him to be as toned as he was. And like it sounds pervy but he definitely knew what he was doing because one time when he was REALLY exaggerating how far he had to bend over he looked back and smirked and god i just want him to hold me down and take me.

i’m 100% going to hell but this is so worth it

So yeah I def missed a bunch of shots because I was just a little (read, utterly and entirely) distracted. BUT weirdest thing I'm p sure he was checking me out too maybe? Cause I think I caught him looking at me once which is a bit embarrassing for me cause I obvs would show off if i could but I'm kinda pathetic compared to him. Like no joke he's so far out of my league it's not even funny (but i have been working out recently so maybe…👀).

Also i'm also pretty sure he was trying to either impress me or assert dominance the whole time. Like he started out the game w/ a "break ace" and was all like "haha oh my gosh I didn't mean to win instantly" and a part of me was feeling attacked because ok flex and the rest of me was coming to a Sudden and Unexpected Awakening That I Still Do Not Know How To Feel About because i should not be getting horny over the fact that he looks like he wants to squish me like an ant. Plus the entire time he was like--mm ok this is hard to explain but the physical words he said were positive and he kept talking about how smart and great I was but the tone made it sound like he was insulting me so that was confusing but hey I'm down and he seemed genuinely impressed when I pointed out that he was going easy on me so I got points there at least.

SO that whole deal was both confusing and very sexy and I came to many realizations i absolutely do not want to address right now but I'm counting it as a win because he seemed willing to go on another date (?? Was it a date?).

oh yeah right the book--at the end of the kinda-sorta-maybe date he promised me he'd go all out against me if I beat him in billiards with his handicap. So I was left with two important dilemmas: 1. Htf do I raise my billiards proficiency like rlly fast so I have an excuse to challenge him & 2. How do I get over my glove kink without an excuse to meet him in the meantime.

The second dilemma is still a problem to address another day but Billiard Techniques helps w/ the first kinda.

I originally found it at some random bookstore but it was cheaper on here so I suffered the wait time so my wallet would cry less. And ok I will concede that it was helpful to a dumbass like myself. Because of it, I got to rank 2 proficiency and learned how to do a back hand shot and my friends were low-key impressed by it in that way friends act impressed when they really don't care but want to make you feel appreciated which i adore them for.

HOWEVER

It was so so so so so boring to get through. Like it's cool to be able to do the shit the thing described but like god can the author make it slightly more interesting? Maybe add more pictures? Maybe iF MY STUPID CAT WOULD LET ME STAY UP LATE AND NOT MAUL ME aS SOON AS IT'S 10 PM I WOULD BE LESS ANNOYED ABOUT THIS STUPID BOOK.

so yeah. Just bought it so my homoerotic rival will notice me so this better be worth it. gets a star more than the Hegel book but this is and will remain a 2/5 until i successfully defeat hot guy

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[5 star] Made me pretty enough to be seen in public w/
Reviewed in Japan on June 30, 2016
Verified Purchase

Again, this is gonna need a lil context to make sense so DO NOT CLICK REPORT ABUSE THIS IS ALL VERY NECESSARY INFORMATION AND I WILL MAKE A NEW ACCOUNT IF I NEED TO.

So, a few days ago I just so happened to be walking around Kichijoji (cause my cat was telling me to go to sleep but I’m in my rebellious phase and also fuck the law) when I spotted my very hot homoerotic rival standing outside Penguin Sniper again. ANd I’m hit with a crisis here. He didn’t invite me out this time and we’re only like rank 2 rn so there’s a chance he might not wanna see me but like on the off chance he would maybe I could help cheer him up? Cause he had that look like he was obviously upset about something (i mean, not obvious but obvious to me ya know?) so maybe he would appreciate it if I went and talked to him?

So a part of me is like “hey this is a great idea i can improve his day” and the rest is just screaming because I wasn’t expecting to see him and i was not emotionally prepared.

And then all my insecurities decide to fuck me in the ass because I’m immediately also reminded of the fact that I might be misinterpreting our relationship and that maybe he isn’t actually interested and he wouldn’t wanna see me cause there’s a greater than 1% chance the only reason he’s tolerating me is because he’s actually a hitman who’s scoping me out because I’m the leader of an up and coming vigilante group.

So, of course my very dumb braincell when faced with a dilemma chose the cowards way out and froze up leaving me standing in the middle of the street like a dumbass. And to top it all off he ended up spotting me me and at that point I can’t just run because that would mean I lose AND I would lose out on my opportunity to hang out with my v hot rival.

SO I finally walked over to him and it was kinda awkward at first because he asked what I was doing and I couldn’t tell him I was avoiding the punishment my cat would inflict on me once I returned to my probation attic so I said something about selling clothes and he looked at me funny and idk i wasn’t rlly listening to myself. ANYway he started going off about how his fanbase is rabid and, I mean, yeah that rlly sucks but I can see why. Cause even if we ignore how hot he is (WHICH IS EXTREMELY RELEVANT) he's also like so fucking smart it's insane and hot guy + smarts + tv is just a recipe to produce disasters like me.

But then he started going on about how he wanted to go to this popular restaurant or whatever and I was like “oh sick is he gonna invite me out?”

But then he started talking about how his fans would expect anyone he went with to be as hot and smart as he is.

ANd then he just kinda stopped and stared at me for a few moments.

AND THEN he started talking about how he wouldn't--fuck how'd he put it?--want his fans to "denounce and harass the people in question."

AND holy fuck by this point all of my self-confidence was GONE BUT HE JUST HAD TO ADD "I wouldn't wish that on you" AT THE VERY END LIKE DAMN YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO STEP THAT HARD MY ERECTION'S ALREADY DEAD

so yeah I left and went to go cry in the bathhouse for three hours BUT that's besides the point.

WHile I was in the bathhouse I came to a very important realization. All I need to do to go on a date with him is get prettier and smarter which is like way easier than it sounds cause I got to rank 3 charm that same night because the old man wouldn't stop turning up the heat until I passed out which is probably a problem but it’s fine my cat came to stare judgmentally at me so I feel very. supported.

Ok and now that I rlly think about it he probably was being mean on purpose as like a challenge? (I think? I hope? Love me??) Because ok he's mean sometimes but this was like a weird kinda mean compared to his usual mean. Because he's mean in that he likes to make fun of me but he also needs me to stick around to enjoy it so the fact that he made me leave makes me think he was telling me to get on his level. And yeah that should maybe probably be a turn be off but fuck if the idea of being seen as his equal isn’t just so fucking hot.

SO I spent the last four nights at Leblanc studying and FINALLY got to rank 3 intelligence but i got kinda worried that even with my charm technically high enough I still wouldn't be hot enough for him so I started brainstorming what made my friends hot. And like, I have this one artist friend who's p hot so I asked myself "what makes Yusuke hot" and I came to the conclusion that his face and hair were very pretty.

But my hair's a complete lost cause so that wasn't even an option meaning my only choice was to make my face prettier somehow. So I consulted said artist friend and he just told me it was a lost cause SO i consulted my model friend who introduced me to this lovely concept called plastic surgery. Unfortunately my wallet hasn't recovered enough from the last time I bought mystery drugs from my back-alley goth gp so we decided makeup was our next best bet and she recced this brand.

And ngl I was kinda excited for this to come because yeah i’m mostly doing this to impress hot guy but makeup would also be hella dope to wear at the drag bar I work part-time at.

But anyway it arrived yesterday and thank FUCK boss doesn't check the random packages I order because that would be very. awkward. and i was not in the mood to have this discussion with him (i mean, i don’t think he’s homophobic or anything but like still not the best way to find out if he is and either way it’d be awkward af because it also came with the Crown of Salvation I ordered just cause and 64 Five-Inch Nails I need for...reasons).

And up until now I was under the v dumb misconception that makeup wouldn't be that hard. To be fair, my model friend (no offense to her she’s amazing) isn't that big brained so it wasn't an entirely baseless assumption.

But holy shit makeup is so much harder than i thought it’d be. Seriously I have a whole new respect to all you girls who do this shit every day cause i could never. Like no joke I looked up videos for help and I still looked like a horror movie clown when I was done.

But if I’m good at one thing it’s being stupidly persistant so the next day I took an extra shift at my flower shop part-time job so I could afford a crepe to bribe said model friend for help and HOLY SHIT WAS IT TOTALLY FUCKING WORTH IT!! LIKE OMG SHE MADE ME LOOK SO HOT! Like--ok I've always been “hot enough” in my book but I looked so fucking pretty when she was done with me (she even brought over her own eyeliner because i don't deserve her) and at that point I was kinda like if he doesn't appreciate me now I'm gonna flip but I didn't even need to worry about it because when I went back to Kichijoji he wasn't there.

…

BUT WHEN I WENT BACK THE NEXT TIME he was there and he was totally checking me out that second time around! Like he legit looked so shocked when he saw me and it was like yes?? Please?? Stare at me like I stare at you so it feels less awkward??

SO YEAH! TLDR; I wasn't pretty enough before the makeup but got taken out to a restaurant afterwards and got to touch his hair so hell yeah--that or my natural charm and wit finally broke through his tsundere facade ;) (who am I kidding i owe my life and soul to make up and model friend 5/5 for the makeup and 10/5 for model friend <3). Only criticism would be that an instruction manual would def be appreciated.

5 people found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[5 stars] bought to impress my rival--ended up actually enjoying it
Reviewed in Japan on July 14, 2016
Verified Purchase

So a few days ago I got another invite from my sexy sadistic rival to somewhere he said was special to him so of course I'm like omg ranking up paid off hell yeah let's go

So we walk about five steps from the Penguin Sniper to go to this place that at first i was a little sketched out about because “uh oh stairs” and also “oh no this might be a trap to kill me” but it actually just ended up being this really nice rustic-looking jazz place that I will not name here so as to not taint them with my shitposts.

Plus this is apparently like one of the few places my rival can relax and stuff so I don't want it to be ruined for him either considering I was stupid and named him in my yelp review that I've had to repost like five times because I keep getting told it's not an appropriate review WHICH I HIGHLY DISAGREE WITH. ALL OF MY REVIEWS ARE VERY RELEVANT AND WELL THOUGHT-OUT SO STOP REPORTING THEM.

Anyway we head in and he's like "what do you wanna drink" and I'm left with a dilemma (already). This place genuinely looks really nice and the mood is so fucking sexy with the low lights and the music and I need to try and match how cool the atmosphere is. So I tell him beer because, ya know, he's in law enforcement so he'll totally think underage drinking is cool because I'm a bad boy breaking the law.

And he just laughed right in my face and was like "oh Kurusu you almost sounded serious" and grabbed us soft drinks and I don't think I've ever been emasculated that hard in my life. like, ever. and I was arrested for a crime that I didn't even commit. Like how is he supposed to know that I wasn't serious?? Am i really just that uncool??

*Update: My adopted not-sister has informed me that yes, I am really just that uncool and I am still offended.*

So yeah he orders us some weird concoctions that look like muk (yes, the digimon) thrown into a blender but tasted surprisingly decent. Like they looked like some sort of toxic witch potion of colored sugar and tasted really sweet but there was a tart aftertaste I couldn’t get out of my mouth so that helped balance it out, as confusing as it was, and i just ended up drinking the whole thing and that kinda just summarizes my entire life right now. Then the live singer came and started singing a few Lyn songs (as my rival informed me when he started showing off the jazz knowledge I have no doubt he googled ten minutes before inviting me out) that were pretty nice but tbh I was totally focused on my rival the whole time cause he started asking my opinion about the place for like the tenth time and he honestly seemed a little self-conscious which was cute but also mildly concerning because I didn't think I gave any indication that I disliked it but he seemed v insecure and kept mentioning how important it was to him...

I mean, it's either that or he's trying too hard to humanize himself to me in order to hide the fact that he's probably a hitman trying to get close to me in order to eliminate me in which case i applaud his efforts.

But yeah, then he started acting really weird and asking me about myself and I was like what?? Why does he wanna know about me?? And then he was like "oh you should bring me to that coffee shop you mentioned liking" and I was like what??? Is he just digging for information to make me more vulnerable and easier to eliminate?? Cause like, why else would he ask about my interests?? O r wanna go to the places I like to go??

But fine ok if it makes him happy I’ll answer his questions so I do and he starts asking me about where I’m from and about my hometown and obvs I don’t tell him I’m a convicted felon cause, ya know, he’s in law enforcement, so I just told him that i came to Tokyo for my ~education~ and he made this face and I can't tell if he was actually impressed or just trying really hard to seemed impressed so I'm going to pretend it's the former because my ego needs it.

But he also didn’t seem totally convinced that I was telling the truth but still he didn’t press the issue which was very confusing cause if he just wanted info wouldn’t he try to figure out more?? But no, he just switched topics because I mentioned I live in a coffee shop that makes curry and started talking about food and stuff and it was all just so casual??

Like he just seemed legit interested in my interests and like what is this feeling??? Not even my friends asked about my past except to confirm that I’m not rlly rlly a felon and I’m just so confused?

Like seriously I'm full of so many conflicting emotions and I'm both uncomfortable cause what is this feeling and at the same time crying on the inside because how is this man so perfect (even if he does kinda maybe wanna kill me which actually might make him even more perfect now that i think about it)

Is this what an emotional boner feels like? I'm pretty sure this is what an emotional boner feels like. My heart is hard.

But anyway he switched to food because apparently he’s psychic and realized I wasn’t rlly comfortable then he started talking about how he has rlly poor eating habits and rarely gets to cook his own meals i"m freaking out inside because OMG begging Sojiro to teach me how to make food may finally pay off even though he still resents me too much to teach me how to make the good stuff BUT AT LEAST I KNOW HOW TO COOK OTHER STUFF BESIDES CURRY SO HA TAKE THAT

So yeah now I'm formulating a fifteen step plan to lure him to Leblanc and shove curry down his throat because even if I don't get laid (although I most certainly wouldn't be opposed) I've become invested in this sexy man and he needs to eat.

Then I ranked up and had to leave but i think the overall date(?) went pretty well!

My cat afterwards was looking at me all like "take other people there" but, like, no?? He just told me how special it was to him I'm not gonna take other fools to our date spot and this became a very extensive and animated argument that had people staring at me wondering why I'm talking to my cat which, tbh I don't blame them for.

So anyway because he likes said Jazz club and I need more excuses to text him I decided "hey why don't I educate myself" so I spent the last three days looking up jazz shit instead of doing my gov hw (take that Ushimaru) and I ended up coming across Lyn's songs again so I'm like hell yeah if I bleed a little money I might be able to trick him into thinking i'm cultured.

And since the Colors Flying High album had the revamped vocal version of No More What Ifs on it I was like hell yeah might as well buy it even though I have literally no way of playing CDs and I'm gonna just end up listening to the MeTube videos anyway because that's what people who like music apparently do for some reason.

And, like, I know that the music sounded decent from what I heard at the jazz club w/ Rival but like I wasn't rlly paying attention because of my emotional crisis but I WASn"T EXPECTING IT TO ACTUALLY BE THIS GOOD. LIKE COLORS FLYING HIGH WAS SO FUCKING DOPE AND GENTLE MADMAN WAS LEGIT HEARTBREAKING I DID NOT EXPECT TO GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS

So, yeah, TLDR: I got my first heart boner and emotionally eviscerated on multiple fronts. 5/5 I’m a total fucking masochist.

One person found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[4 stars] Rank Up & No Reading
Reviewed in Japan on August 2, 2016

Let me start this off by saying I didn't actually buy this thru amazon. I just visited my local Shibuya sports shop because ngl I kinda forgot that the whole point of online shopping is buying stuff...Now, you’re asking “if you didn’t buy it on amazon, then why are you reviewing it on amazon?” I have no emotional outlet besides my amazon account, believe it or not, and I also needed a distraction to help my peaceful protest against my dictator cat’s sleep schedule so HERE I AM

So yeah, ever since Rival challenged me to defeat him I've been working on my billiards game and the next logical step (according to my extremely scientific method of self-improvement) was to purchase this cue.

And I actually bought this a while ago because I was sad that I only got to eat flavored ice at this festival my bro and my sexy art friend made me attend so if I can’t waste my money on festival food the next best option is obviously a ¥48,000 billiards cheat code. Thing is, I didn’t get to use it yet because of some kinda-sorta crimes that may or may not be committed against the entirety of Japan so it’s just been collecting dust under my milk crates for a hot minute.

But today I finally decided fuck it, I've already met the technical requirements for a rank up so why not just go for it? So I called all my friends to Penguin Sniper and they came ofc because they have nothing better to do than amuse my occasional whims and after a v intense game I ended up in a position where I needed to use the cue to execute a jump shot and I GOT IT OFF W/OUT A HITCH SO FUCK YEAH RANK 4 BABYYY!!!

So, yeah. Cue did what it was supposed to, I got to rank up, my friends acted impressed again, and I didn't even have to read anything this time!!

Unfortunately I have yet to achieve the necessary skill required to defeat my Rival but hey something’s better than nothing right?

Nothing else I can say about it I guess, which is weird. I know I usually have more to write but I just...idk. I’ve been distracted ig. There’s so much going on, so many people who need my help and I want to help them. They’re my friends, of course I’m going to help them. I can’t let them down. I won’t let them down.

I haven’t gotten to talk to Rival all that much either. He’s got work so ofc he’s busy and we just went to Shinagawa not that long ago so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s just...idk. Medjed's getting kinda stressful over here if it wasn’t obvious haha.

...i'm trying to stay strong but sometimes I feel like I'm in over my head.

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[5 star] made me cry
Reviewed in Japan on August 30, 2016

i’ve been staring at the end credits for half and hour now and i’m still crying i don’t know what to do with myself this hit so hard pls send help

So a little while ago I bought this v old (like fucking ancient) TV & and suuuuper retro video game set-up (that I may or may not have had to disassemble and reassemble to clean the cobwebs out of) from this random second-hand store next to my probation coffee shop. And for a while I've just been like playing Star Forneus and Punch Ouch or w/e when I'm not spending my nights thirsting over my rival. So, I really haven't had much use for it so far (as you can tell).

That is, until I heard about Featherman Seeker.

I initially learned about it thru my boss' hacker daughter with whom I have a 30 day free trial of as a not-sister and who is also most definitely looking at all of these posts so, uh, don't tell the others pls and thanks. I will absolutely bribe your silence again if I need to.

Because when she woke up from her mini-coma like ten days ago she immediately decided that I was an uncultured peasant who needed to be thoroughly educated on the “very complex” lore of Super Ultra Phoenix Ranger Neo Featherman R. And ofc my first reaction was like "what why isn't that a kids show" and then I remembered she's only like 15 so yeah makes sense

But it wasn’t until she threatened to send Rival all of my thirsty amazon and yelp reviews that I shut up and inevitably submitted to watching the first 10 seasons back to back in addition to all my regular duties meant to help coax her out of her room so that she can generate vitamin D for the first time in her little gremlin lifespan. Long story short I haven't slept in 93 hours and my cat is now screaming that he isn't a cat and that if I don't enter the depths of mementos and defeat the Holy Grail, Yaldabaoth will merge the metaverse with the real world.

So anyway I somehow end up accidentally texting Rival instead of said free-trial sister unit about one of the episodes and Rival's immediate response was "why are you texting me about Black Condor?" and my first reaction was OH SHIT HE"S GONNA THINK I"M A LOSER and then my next reaction was wait I never specified Black Condor 👀

And then we got into a whole debate about how he totally doesn't know what I'm talking about until he finally gave in and admitted to having watched it as a kid (and honestly I already knew he was a nerd but god it was so fucking adorable when he did) and after a few minutes of me simping over Black Condor some more HE HAS THE FUCKING GALL TO SAY THAT RED HAWK IS BETTER?? LIKE OF COURSE I LIKE RED HAWK BUT LIKE FUCK MAN BLACK CONDOR IS OBVIOUSLY THE BEST

AND THEN HE STARTS FUCKING INSULTING BLACK CONDOR???

LIKE SRSLY HOW CAN SUCH A PERFECT MAN HAVE SUCH POOR TASTE?? IDC IF HE BETRAYED THE GROUP AND KILLED A FEW PEOPLE HE'S SO FUCKIN HOT HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THE ONE CHARACTER WHO'S ALLOWED TO SWEAR AND WHO USES THEIR ENTIRE DIALOGUE WORDCOUNT TO INSULT EVERYONE ELSE WITH SUCH PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE INTENSITY

wait if he has such poor taste in men then maybe I actually do have a chanceghuifjwnjwjkfvasmegiuwnomkq

*update* sorry i didn't mean to post--my cat knocked me out and now that I have more than twelve hours of sleep I've translated the above into something slightly readable but will include these bits because fuck it I never wanna forget the day that Morgana actually knocked me the fuck out with his kitty punch.

SO yeah basically he ended up mentioning a character called Gray Pigeon and i was like who and he shut up and told me nvm and to go to sleep and I was like nooooooo but then he started ignoring my texts so that was sad but because I love the weeb gremlin that Boss somehow got hypnotized into raising she sent my sad horny ass the google results for Gray Pigeon so I'd stop texting her.

Which is how I found out about Featherman Seeker. So after selling some canopic jars and sarcophagus pieces to my gun daddy (because he doesn't ask questions) I went down to Akihabara w/ my not-sister hermit and bought this game and decided to binge it for the past few days and HOLY FUCK IT WAS SO SAD???

Like okay I like Featherman. I think the show is p fun and the whole clashing ideologies and justices thing is def my kinda show and season 7 was surprisingly dark but like I was NOT EXPECTING THIS?? Like i'm crying??? Still?????? Why did he have to die??! All he wanted was to join them and fight for justice and to be their equal and then he had to fight them because they were all freaking out and he was just being used the whole time and then at the end he just dies having never known the friendship or justice he desired except for the briefest moment?!

AND THAT SHIT WHERE RED WAS LIKE "we will never forget your name" WAS JUST SO FUCKING SAD CAUSE HE WAS JUST NEVER GIVEN A CHANCE AND THE ONLY TIME HE FOUND HAPPINESS WAS RIGHT BEFORE HE FUCKING DIED?? WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE I’M CRYING AGAIN???

ugh it's so good but I hate it so much

So yeah I needed to go be sad for a few hours and then I needed a distraction anD LOOK AT MY LUCK GUESS WHO TEXTED ME?? MR. HOT RIVAL MAN!! And I was like OH perfect! Being thirsty will help cure my depression, right?

FUCKING WRONG

Because after i go to meet Rival in Kichijoji like usual he starts off the convo w/ a bang just like "good evening Kurusu DO YOU GO TO ARCADES" but sexier and then he started going on about how he's never been to one before and like honestly that's kinda sad but I never did either until like this year so it probably isn't that big a deal until I remembered that oh yeah HIS FUCKING MOM IS DEAD AND HE GREW UP IN FOSTER HOMES

So ofc, despite my emotional turmoil, I'm like “of course we’re going to the arcades follow me!” And he seemed legit excited so that made me v happy but his excitement was also like--hm hard to explain again but it wasn't the same like insecure happiness I saw at the aquarium this was like the sadistic “I have a plan and I enjoy watching you suffer” kinda excitement

But it's fine because that's hot as fuck too

But yeah he gets there and immediately apologizes and a part of me just wants to shake him and just tell him STOP APOLOGIZING FOR EXISTING but I don't and he challenges me to play Gun About and he's like "oh I hear this is a pretty hardcore game" and then he's like "do you like to play games like this" and like obvs I say yes because he's a nerd so maybe I would get cool points if I did say yes??

So his response was all like "oh teehee pls go easy on me" AND THEN FUCKING DESTROYS ME!! LIKE I DIDN'T THINK I WAS BAD AT GUN ABOUT BEFORE BUT hOLY FUCK HE WAS MERCILESS AND IT WAS REALLY HOT BUT I SWEAR HE MUST GET OFF TO DECIMATING ME BECAUSE HE HAD THE BIGGEST FUCKING SMIRK ONCE HE WAS DONE

SO of course I'm not gonna back down so I ask if he's into gunplay AND HE DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING MISS A BEAT. HE just FUcking says "oh you noticed? I'm gonna need a lot of practice to take you out"

And my heart just fucking stopped right there in then. Llike holy fuck it doesn't even matter if he was talking about a date or shooting me BUT HE JUST SAID HE WAS GONNA TAKE ME OUT?? WHAT???? WHERE DID THIS SUDDEN CONFIDENCE COME FROM AND WHY IS IT SO SEXY AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE OK WITH IT IF HE DID SHOOT ME?? god this man is my sexual awakening and crisis and also still the hottest man ever all rolled up into one and somehow he keeps talking to me and a part of me is like what do you want from me because by now even my parents would have admitted that they were only tolerating me in order to have an heir with a Y chromosome but he keeps inviting me out and not asking for anything and saying all this hot shit that gives me the vague impression he either wants to fuck me or kill me or both and I'm just so confused

Oh yeah and he was still talking and being like "oh haha I was just joking it was just beginner's luck" and I mean obvs not but he's mastered the art of misdirection and started talking about this toy gun he had as a kid and how he always wanted to pursue justice and be a hero and all that AND SUDDENLY NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT GRAY PIGEON AGAIN AND NOW I'M SAD AGAIN AND HE'S ASKING ABOUT MY OPINION ON JUSTICE BUT NOW ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS MY POOR BB WHO'S DEAD

Then we ranked up and I went home to go cry in my pillow because god I love this man but I get emotional whiplash whenever we hang out and I can't even cry yet because I'm getting a call and DEPRESSION CANCELED it’s Rival again and he’s thanking me for hanging out and like i can't actually say it bcuz I still have a shred of pride left (somehow) but I absolutely cannot say no to this man.

Then he started talking about how everyone has such high pressures on him but he really had a nice time bcuz I was there w/ him and he wants to hang out again and god is this a man a psychic because he knows ALL my fucking weaknesses. So then we said bye again and I went to go scream in my pillow because my heart hurts and I'm so tired but I'm just so fucking happy and especially now that people are being really terrible to Rival I'm glad I was able to make him happy again and I really hope he's being honest because I really do care about him :)

2 people found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[1 star] i bought three and my homoerotic rival is still blueballing me
Reviewed in Japan on September 5, 2016

So after we ranked up I figured hey, things are going pretty well, right? We’ve gone on plenty of maybe-sorta-not-dates and we’ve known each other for longer than I’ve known some of the members of my vigilante group and overall i like to think we’re getting p close.

So i'm like alright this should be about the stage where it'd be considered socially acceptable to buy the more expensive gifts. But the problem is when I think about Rival he seems like such a practical dude so it’s hard to figure out what to get him. So i started off thinking like “ok what would I want practically” and the first thing my mind went to was a door but that would be kinda dumb and expensive and also what would he do with a door?? Just stare at it in his living room?? SO i try to think more generally and also less expensively (bcuz apparently SOMEONE decided doors need to be expensive smh) and my mind goes to windex but that gets auto-vetoed for being probably the least romantic thing i could ever possibly give someone and despite what it seems like i am still trying to seduce this man.

So I think a little bit more about Rival more and how busy and stressed he is and I come to the sudden and perfectly natural realization that the only correct conclusion to this dilemma is that spend the rest of my gun daddy/drag bar money on a ¥44,800 robo vacuum. Ya know, as a gift. Just kinda casually. Like Rivals do.

So i find one in Akihabara and I'm like aight time to give it to rival because this is probs the closest I can legally get to confessing before we both explode. Do giving robo vacuums count as propositions? While I'm out here changing society I'm also gonna change social rules and say that if u receive a robo vacuum from a non-gremlin, consider it a confession.

In order to do this right tho he can’t know what’s coming, so I decide to ambush him in Kichijoji and I'm like “ey let's hang out” and he's like "oh? where?" and now I'm panicking because I hadn't though that far ahead but it's ok because he takes the lead (god I hope he's also like this in bed) and is like “hey let's go back to that one cafe you thirsted over me at via yelp” (except he didn't say that because thank FUCK he doesn't know about these accounts because who the fuck in their right mind would use yelp and amazon accounts to scream into the void right???)

So yeah we go back to the crepe place and get more terrible coffee that neither of us drink but it's fine because we get more cake and despite the fact that their coffee isn’t safe for human consumption their coffee-flavored cake was actually p good ngl. It also made me want curry in this strange sojiro-induced pavlovian reaction that I'm not sure how to feel about yet. But anyway we get towards the end of the hang-out and I'm like alright this is it time to give him the vacuum cleaner and like for a moment it just occurs to me that I'm about to hand him a newly purchased roomba at a random cafe and I suddenly felt really weird about the whole thing. Like what kind of person does this?? I actually almost chickened out but then didn't because if I came back with the vacuum cleaner I would just be proving my free 30-day-trial-that-I-accidentally-forgot-to-unsubscribe-from-so-now-I've-already-paid-money-for sister and v spoiled brat of a cat right so I give it to him.

and he just kinda looks at me like I'm as crazy as I feel and now I'm getting rlly embarrassed so i'm like spitting out all these excuses about how I know he's busy all the time and probably doesn't have the time to clean his apartment as much as he wants and I keep going until he interrupts my rambling (thank fuck) and puts on this polite TV smile that I hate but his eyes were v confusing because they kinda just blanked out. Like last time I gave him a gift he looked confused but this time he just looked...dead?? scared??????? I'm not sure but it was a very weird look but he started thanking me for giving it to him but it all sounded v empty and then suddenly I was on my way back to my coffee shop attic and just had this awful realization of.

Oh. I fucked up.

But he still texted me that night to thank me again and he seemed like ok so I at least didn't totally fuck everything up but like he def didn't get that it was meant to be romantic or even just friendly so I def messed up somehow but alright we're still on speaking terms at least so i have another shot.

So I invite him to darts the next day and he seemed happy to b there so I bit the bullet and asked him if I made him uncomfortable when I gave him the gift and he looked surprised for a sec and then assured me that he wasn't and that he'd just been shocked to receive such an expensive and thoughtful gift from me and that he really does appreciate it and then he apologized and god that was just such a relief to hear because I was so scared that I'd crossed a line and even if he doesn't take it as a romantic gesture or even like me back or w/e i didn't wanna make him uncomfortable or fuck up our friendship

Because I really do treasure our relationship you know? And I do care about him and yeah he's hot but i rlly just want him to b happy and everyone has been trashing him lately and even my friends are terrible towards him and I can't change their opinions or do anything about it so I’m just stuck here being useless. I want him to know I support and care for him but I don’t know how to tell him so I try to show him and i’m not sure it’s getting through anymore. It sucks so much because I know I'm the reason he's hurting so much and I just feel terrible seeing how many people are trying to hurt him and make him feel bad for having an opinion that doesn't follow their own and bringing up legit critiques that I may not agree with but don't warrant everyone just blatantly trashing him the way that they do and ugh it’s all just so frustrating.

So, naturally, I end up buying him two more robo vacuums and give them to him on two separate dates at the cafe. And these times he just genuinely looked surprised and annoyed by the gifts and not whatever he looked before so that was an improvement. The third time he didn't even thank me he was just like "do you seriously just have this much spare money lying around Kurusu?" and my heart fluttered like a traitor because he looked so done and unamused but also mildly entertained despite the fact that he def wants to throw me out a window and that’s way better than sad and tired.

So yeah I'm at a crossroads here. I'm glad he's feeling better and taking the gifts better but at the same time now he's happy and I'm happy but now I'm also horny again and f u c k he's either not getting the hint or he's getting the hint and very intentionally ignoring the hint becuz he would be the kind of person to do that and it makes me either wanna scream or kiss him or both and honestly I wouldn't be opposed to either right now because at least that would be SOMETHING.

What do I do?? Legit need romantic advice here becuz I'm hopeless and the supposed sister unit just keeps mocking me and I can't tell anyone else but my cat and my cat does not approve of Rival and like man that's a turn off but at the same time I've been in too deep the moment he approached me and started serenading Hegel and pancakes so I can't back out and I don't know who to go to now.

*Edit* Oh yeah this is a review. So basically TLDR is the vacuum didn't do its job because I'm still being blueballed so, warning to all interested in purchasing. It will not get you laid despite being one of the few gifts that gives you three music notes.

0/10 would not recommend

AMAZON REVIEW:

loki

[1 star] fuck off
Reviewed in Japan on September 5, 2016

oh haha you must think you’re so fucking funny kurusu giving me three of these with googly eyes superglued to them

if they block the door and make me late to work again i am going to fucking strangle you

AMAZON REVIEW:

G.Akechi

[1 star] Received as a Gag Gift
Reviewed in Japan on September 22, 2016

I didn't even have an amazon account prior to this incident but I felt the need to make one, if only to express my distaste for this particular occurrence. However, I understand that the purpose of this website is to provide informative reviews as to the physical and technical quality of products, so I will try to limit expressing my personal grievances here nonetheless.

I happened to receive several packages of these from an acquaintance of mine in what I can only assume is a gag gift considering my rather public opinion of the Phantom Thieves.

Nevertheless, I tried the product so as to not make it a complete waste of money on the part of my acquaintance, and I must say, even ignoring the irony of my receiving these as a gift, I was highly disappointed. They barely even meet my astoundingly low standards of what qualifies as "food products."

To start, even excusing the garish design (which was, unfortunately, to be expected given the melodramatic and unsubtle design of the Phantom Thief calling cards), the packages were disparagingly cheap in quality. Several of the boxes were broken prior to opening and the plastic packaging ranged from being borderline unbreakable to so flimsy I couldn’t pick them up without spilling several wafers onto the floor.

This not to mention the frankly abysmal quality of the wafers themselves. Not only were half of the purchased products crushed, those which were still intact had a fifty-fifty chance of either being so stale that they could be used to build houses or so brittle that even touching them risked turning them into a pile of crumbs I was better off feeding to my roomba than eating myself (though, even in that case it would be an insult to my roomba).

Additionally, the manufacturer's advertisement of an "assortment of flavors" is blatantly false. Various wafers are colored differently as if to indicate strawberry, vanilla, or chocolate wafers in the same, obnoxiously bright colors of the Phantom Thieves, but they all taste utterly and completely identical, as if the manufacturers honestly believed that the addition of a simple food dye is enough to make them taste different. The fact that the manufacturers assumed they could get away with such an egregious failure of a product is offensive and appalling.

So, in summation, I was highly disappointed to both receive the product, and with the product I received. I would highly recommend that anyone considering purchasing this product (including and especially fans of the Phantom Thieves) spend their money elsewhere.

AMAZON REVIEW:

loki

[1 star] why the fuck does this exist
Reviewed in Japan on September 22, 2016

I fucking come home from work one day to see that kurusu fucking akira sent me 3,000 fucking wafers and I fucking hate him so fucking much fuck the phantom thieves fuck my fucking boss what the fuck has my life turned into

10 people found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[5 star] GOT ME LAID
Reviewed in Japan on October 10, 2016

H O L Y S H I T

I'm in fucking disbelief. Like I know all of my reviews have just been horny shitposts but I never fucking expected this to ACTUALLY happen. Like no shit he's legit so far out of my league and yeah I've wanted to fuck him this whole time but I never thought it would EVER get this far.

holy shit i still can hardly believe this happened.

But yeah...this is another product i didnt actually buy on Amazon because there was a store in Shibuya that sold these for ¥78,000 and my wallet is crying but MY DICK ISN'T ANYMORE SO ITS DEFINITELY FUCKING WORTH IT!!!!! (also i sold gun daddy a bunch of dead solar panels and broken telescopes AND it’s cheaper than the roomba army i’m building him so i can totally afford it :))

So yeah I'm kinda on a high and all fuckin jittery because tomorrow we're gonna see if our blackmail worked and holy shit this one’s big because we might finally figure out who’s behind this and my nerves are fucking SKYROCKETIng but anyway I'm all like hey today’s the perfect day to just go relax w/ rival and like I'm def not complaining about going to the bathhouse last time but I actually do wanna fight him via chess so I invite him over and he kinda hesitates and for a moment I think he's gonna say no but he eventually concedes to my rank 5 charisma and agrees.

So we're on our way back and like, ok he's usually super prim and proper and ik he's been really stressed ever since the medjed backlash but tonight he seemed particularly upset. Like, it was bad so In my head in my head i’m starting to think “hey, I know I bought this v expensive bracelet and my cat's yelling at me that I could have spent the money on fatty tuna instead but I don't want to make him uncomfortable” so I’m all like "alright not gonna give it to him unless the mood is exactly right" cause otherwise i’ll probably just be adding stress to his plate.

So we get to Leblanc and I'm like eyyy time to bust out my supreme coffee moves MOVE OVER SOJIRO A NEW COFFEE MASTER IS IN TOWN!! (i'm sorry i don't mean it pls don't tell boss I said that he would abort me pls futaba i’m begging you) but anyway I go to the coffee maker and decide fuck it time to risk being kicked out and bust out the expensive beans (Indonesian Kopi Luwak if ur curious. Def would not be legally allowed to make this normally but Sojiro was out soooooooo >:)).

And while that's brewing Goro gets out the chess set because he's psychic/we talked about it on our way over and he started to set it up downstairs but I must be on some weird kinda of adrenaline rush bcuz I suggest that we play upstairs instead.

And immediately he's like "haha not the most subtle way to proposition me kurusu" but he's still smiling and he sounds genuinely amused and shit so I'm like "aw are you rejecting me honey~" and he was like "how cute you think you can keep up with me" but he didn't actually say that but he def said it w/ his eyes (he actually probs said smthg like "oh you're so funny kurusu" but i wasn't rlly listening it's fine i'm not a disaster).

So anyway I finish making the coffee and taste test it to make sure it's good and likeeee. Ok it's not bad but not quite what I want him to drink so I decide alright this can just be my cup and I'll make him another. So I do and I taste test it again because he's upstairs and if I put my lips to the cup...then maybe...his lips...will touch the same spot...and we'll indirectly kiss 👉👈...jk jk...unless?

BUT I'm disappointed w/ this cup too cuz i KNOW i can do him better so I'm like alright fine I guess i'll get two cups and he'll get the best of the three so I make another one and I'm kinda reaching my limit w/ the beans here and I already finished the first cup because apparently I nervous binge-drink caffeine so I can't even go back anymore I've 100% committed to this but SOMEHOW THE THIRD CUP IS WORSE THAN THE FIRST TWO??? And like god now I'm just embarrassed because i can't serve him this shit I'm trying to make him happy (and also maybe impress him bcuz I still wanna give him the bracelet even if at this point I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably wouldn’t today)

So that's how I ended up wasting an entire jar of Sojiro's beans...

If I'm never seen again, you know why.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART IS???? THE BEST CUP LEFT ENDED UP STILL BEING THAT SECOND ONE I MADE SO THEN I WAS LEFT WITH THE DILEMMA OF DO I GIVE HIM THE COLD BUT BETTER COFFEE OR DO I SWALLOW MY PRIDE AND GIVE HIM THE SUBPAR BUT STILL HOT ONE BECAUSE I HAVE NO MORE RETRIES

So i bite the bullet and bring both of them up and i offer them both out to him to let him chose and he's like...mildly confused but he's smirking like he knows what I spent the last hours alive doing and god I hope he doesn't because I'm trying to seem cool here but anyway he choses the hot one so now I'm left with cold coffee BUT IT"S FUCKING WORTH IT BECAUSE HE LEGIT LOOKED SURPRISED WHEN HE TRIED THE COFFEE. Like he isn't the most honestly expressive but he genuinely did a fucking double take and just seemed generally pleased w/ me and god I was just so happy and he looked so much more relaxed while he drank the coffee

So my inevitable death at Boss' hands is worth it.

But yeah we finally get around to playing chess and it's getting kinda late but he doesn't seem worried about the time so I'm like alright this is probs fine and I'm feelin p confident about my chess skills now ngl I found a few books in Jinbocho that were useful but not at all worth reviewing so I won't cause fuck the law and if, by happenstance, said Rival finds this account and realizes its me I'm def gonna die from embarrassment but at least my secrets to success will die with me.

And of course I end up losing to him BUT i get p close this time around and damn is he SO fucking hot while we play. Like we just kinda chat casually but it's actually an underhanded ploy to try to distract each other by mind-fucking the other which is why we normally talk about the Phantom Thieves or their morality or whatever (which he has some legit good arguments for and like I readily admit that their methods aren't particularly ethical but, at the same time, they're necessary and show the failures of the current justice system and stuff adnndfdn I'M GETTING TOO REAL BACK TO HORNY)

This is all very relevant information bcuz normally we'll just try to make each other miss their moves but he must have been feeling particularly sadistic today cause he was like leaning in that way where when he looked up it was like covered by his eyelashes so it already looked super fucking coy and he had this smirk the whole time that only kept growing as we played cause he was winning BUT THEN I BLINDSIDE HIM BECAUSE I LEARNED HOW TO CASTLE so he was surprised (and impressed? maybe???) and then he looks up at me again and leans forward to move a piece BUT AS HE DOES I FEEL SOMETHING ON MY LEG

And of course my first reaction is WTF IS THAT but then i realize.

It's his foot.

He rubbed his foot.

Against the inside of my shin

And holy fuck did that just kill me. And like--alright of course I'm freaking out cause he touched my l e g but most of me is alright that was probs a mistake cause it was rlly brief and just on my shin and he can't know how much that affects me, right? Cause like, I know these are all horny shitposts I pretend are reviews but like--i don't actually act like this around him.

But that train of thought goes RIGHt OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW WHEN HE DOES IT AGAIN. AND THIS TIME HE F UCKING LINGERS ON THE INSIDE OF MY SHIN.

And like ok now I'm just trying to make sure he can't see my crotch in case my horny ass gets too excited over this shit but I also realize that he's def just trying to distract me from my master strategy by playing into my weaknesses and it's 100% working because now i don't even remember what I was trying to do so now I have to make sure he can't see that his tactic is working but he totally knows and now I'm fucked.

So, now my only option now is retaliation. So, of course, I retaliate in the only appropriate way: with spite and vitriol and a lot of “accidental” touching of legs.

And the face he made was fucking priceless.

Cause he obviously didn't think I would fight back so soon and for the briefest moment he just loses his mask and his face is just shocked but then he smirks back and we sudden get into a footsie war under the table and my cheeks are def red and I'm hoping his are too cause I can't see under his makeup :( but it was honestly became more fun than it was sexy

So yeah he inevitably beats me but honestly it was rlly fun so it's fine + whenever he successfully beats me he gets this super adorable smirk and its so infuriating and I just wanna kiss that stupid smile off his face. But w/ the lighter atmosphere and everything I'm like hey, maybe this would be a good time to give the silver bangle.

And of course my single braincell is like fUCK NO YOU'RE GONNA RUIN THE ATMOSPHERE HE'S HAPPY DON'T FUCK THAT UP BY MAKING IT AWKWARD.

but my dick was like he's so fucking cute

And like rationally a bracelet (specifically this one) is a p romantic gift I think? Like not as obvious as like flowers or chocolates or a diamond necklace (which hmmm i'm not sure if he'd like jewelry like that?? Like he's on this weird line where he's toned af but also kinda effeminate so i'm not sure if he would appreciate a necklace or take it as an insult) ig but I think it's p obviously on the romantic side. Still tho, there's a chance he could take it differently?? Cause idk if I got a bracelet like this from my artist friend or smthg (even tho he's p sexy too) I would just be like oh cool do you want me to pose w/ it or smthg?

But then again if i got one from my gymnastics buddy I would take it as romantic (not cause of interest cause my heart only belongs to Rival <3 but it's low-key kinda obvi that she has a crush on me and likkkkke i don't know how to tell her i don't feel the same and i'm a coward so imma wait for now and hope it dies when she inevitably realizes how big of a disaster i am)

But then again if i got one from my model friend i would take it as a gift for helping her get together w/ her current gf (they are ADORABLE btw because even tho my romantic life is a god-awful mess i’m actually a great matchmaker)

And then again if i got one from the pyramid gremlin i would assume she put a tracking device in it and plans to blackmail me to get me to do smthg for her

I'm getting side-tracked tho. Basically i have no fucking idea how the fuck he'd take receiving the bracelet. or, well, i HAD no idea how he'd take the bracelet.

And he's starting to look at the time and stuff and be like "sorry for intruding for so long" and packing up and shit so i'm like oH fUCk no more thought no more thinking just give it so I grab it from Mona’s bag and just hold it out to him wordlessly because I'm a fucking idiot that way.

He kinda just stares at it for a few moments and he's WAY too silent so now i'm freaking out and i'm trying to explain that i saw it at a store and thought he'd like it and i'm babbling at this point but thank fuck this man is intelligent because he takes the box, looks at the bracelet, looks back at me and is just like "kurusu" and i'm like "yeah?" and then he's like "shut up" and then HE FUCKING KISSES ME!!

And like holy shit was I not expecting this and he's going all in on this kiss and like i've kissed people before but he is such a good kisser. So things start to get steamy and then we have to take a break to breath and he starts laughing and i'm like "what" but i'm also super fucking giddy rn and he smirks and puts the bracelet down safely on the desk (which thank god because i'm not horny enough to not care about the fact that i spent ¥78,000 on that bracelet) and then is like "it's just a very 'you' thing to do" and i'm confused now but he's kissing me again and pushing me onto the milk crates that boss calls a bed and i can no longer describe what we did in pg terms but basically all of my dreams came true.

But after the rated M stuff we're lying in bed and i'm like "stay" and he's like "i have work" and i'm like "no it's warm" and it takes a bit of back and forth but he eventually relents and I get to cuddle him and like hmmm that was an experience cause he seemed kinda weird about touch but he didn't seem particularly upset about the physical contact so i cuddled him ~carefully~ bcuz i obviously want him to be happy and comfortable and i'm still kinda in shock that this happened at all.

Easy 100000/5 this is the best purchase i've ever fuckin made.

*Update* So I woke up at like 3 AM becuz he got out of bed and was getting ready to leave and that was v sad and I'm like “aw pls come back” but sexier and he's like "i have work and hw and need to get back to my apartment" and fuck he actually has good reasons bcuz he is legit busy n stuff so i'm like “alright fine” but I need to confirm something before he goes so I'm like "are we dating now" and instead of giving an answer he ties me up and sucks me off.

so...

Results inconclusive.

2 people found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[5 star] FINALLY BEAT RIVAL
Reviewed in Japan on November 2, 2016

FUCKInG Finally

Ok so I didn't actually buy this myself but like I still own it bcuz the Penguin Sniper guy gave me it for free for some reason and i'm not about to say no to free stuff even if he is a stranger who's been apparently watching me come here w/ my similarly underage friends so I can beat rival and maybe I should be worried but honestly w/e I pay my teacher to come to my room in a maid outfit and give me a nonsexual massage because nya~

so yeah fuck caution

Getting to the point, so I've been trying to beat my maybe-boyfriend/rival/possible-murderer for like, a while now, right? So after the whole Okumura mess and, ya know, maybe accidentally killing one of your friend's parents even though he was a shitty parent but I really don't think we did but there's always that chance and if it really is my fault I don't know how I'd ever be able to look Haru in the eyes again…

I'm getting side-tracked. Anyway, with all that in mind I decided I might as well finish things up and get to rank 4 because hey free book and also I’m going to die in 18 days.

SO I call all my friends over (including heiress friend who still wanted to come despite the fact that her dad just died and Rival's there which i feel really bad about but she said she wanted to join us anyway so imma pretend everything’s fine) and since Rival blackmailed his way into joining us its gonna be a whole new level of holy shit since he's going to A. see how much progress i made (which is probably/hopefully sexy) and B. probably realize just how much time i've spent trying to beat him.

So everyone arrives and its slightly awkward bcuz none of them like Rival (like legit tho most of them actively despise him and I understand it, trust me i do, but at the same time it's high-key rlly depressing since I have no one in my life to talk to about rival since even my cat judges me for it so i’m dying a little over here it’s fine i’m coping). But they’re all alright for the most part ig since they mostly just try to ignore him but all of that doesn’t rlly matter rn bcuz tonight's all about ranking up.

And I'm p confident w/ my skills by now cause y'know rank 3 is p decent even if it's ridiculous that I need two books and a ¥48,000 jump cue to get here but you know what fuck it. I've committed to this even if it is the death of me and my wallet. So I'm like alright he started our rivalry off with this thing called a break ace, right? Let's see if I can pull it off. So I line up my shot and I'm feeling good and I take my shot

and of fucking course

i don't sink the 9

i sink the cue ball

...

So the night was off to a great start.

And when I look back and Rival just looked SOOOO smug and god I just wanna punch him with my lips SO badly but sadly that would not be a socially acceptable thing to do in front of all of my friends who hate him with a burning passion :(

But yeah next person goes and now i'm just dying inside and Rival of course won't even make eye contact now but he looks so FUCKIN cocky so I've just GOTTA win now and FUCK YEAH manage to come back and win my first match (of course, Rival wins his too but that was a given). Then next round I actually manage to not scratch (a fancy ass pool term for fucking up to all those uninitiated in the ways of homoerotic billiards) my first turn but also no one let me start the match and you know what i probably deserved that.

And to sum things up everything comes down to me & rival (at my insistence bcuz i can’t fight rival until i’m totally ranked up and ready) vs biker friend & heiress friend which is honestly not rlly a surprise because my bro has slight anger issues so he doesn't do well and the sister-unit doesn't care cause she's just filming my failures for blackmail and model friend is Great but not great at pool and artist friend was banned from playing after he spent 30 minutes lining up a shot and then took out his sketchbook and started drawing instead.

So it's just us two and he makes this super passive aggressive comment like "oh I hope they go easy on us" and then gives me this pointed look aND LIKE SRSLY HOW DARE YOU I’VE BEEN DOING MY ABSOLUTE BEST TO IMPRESS YOUR HOT ASS. Ofc i don’t actually say that tho i say "yeah are you tired? your last shots there weren't that great" and he laughs but in that way that tells me if we didn't have an audience he would definitely shoot me in the head and by this point biker friend just looks disappointed and tired and heiress friend is smiling but in the same way rival is so that's not a great sign so rival's all like "haha you're one to criticize kurusu" and-

Ok i know i should be concerned about the whole murder plot thing and all that but god if I didn't get all of my fantasy material just from the way his voice dipped when he said my name god he's so fucking hot

Anyway we get on w/ the whole game or whatever but the sexual tension in the room got amped up to like 11 after that so now everyone but us is deeply uncomfortable but idc because rival and i were suddenly in a competition to see how many we could each sink and it comes down to the 9 ball and it's his turn so I'm like fuc i'm gonna lose but he shoots AND HE FUCKING MISSES

LIKE

OMG

THANK FUCK

AND THEN IT COMES AROUND TO ME

AND FUCK YEAH I DON’T MISS IT

BUT I ACCIDENTALLY SINK IT IN THE WRONG POCKET

SO BIKER AND HEIRESS WIN

so...

we were obviously embarrassed and rival obviously wanted to strangle someone (cough cough me) and I feel depressed because i wanted to show off but also it's fucking hilarious that we BOTH lost so i'm not mad lmao (+ i still ranked up because i did a masse shot or w/e)

I, in the wake of our loss, invited Rival over to Leblanc thinking “hey you know we can still make the most of our day” and he looked me dead in the eyes, smiled, and said "no" and walked away

So now I'm sad, alone, and horny again and end up going home alone to my judgemental cat roommate. But next morning I get the call from Rival that it's time to settle our differences which is code for: he needs to assert dominance so time for more pool.

And we get there and start doing our thing and, surprisingly enough, I’m actually not doing all that terribly and I get to show off all the sexy pool skills I didn’t yesterday and overall it’s going p good. Like ik he’s not using his dominant hand still but small victories, right?

Anyway he randomly starts talking about how interesting billiards is and I’m listening but not RLLY listening because I swoon over his voice every day but you can’t expect me to actually listen to the words coming out of his mouth when they remind me of the nightmare Hegel textbook I still desperately wish I could return.

So yeah he goes on a lot about billiards and how he’ll win and all the usual Rival stuff BUT in the process of all of this HE MISSES HIS SHOT AND I END UP WINNING!!!

SO FUCK YEAH FINALLY BEAT RIVAL BABYYYYYY!!! ALLL OF THE HOURS I SPENT LETTING MY FRIENDS BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME AND LOSING MONEY WERE TOTALLY FUCKING WORTH IT NOW!!

And we get outside and the victory tasted SO much better just KNOWING how pissed he is that I finally beat him but he STILL has to praise my victory bcuz of his stupid tv mask and I was all like “couldn’t get here w/out you <3” and he was smiling again in that way that means he really wants to throw me into an alleyway and have his way with me (mostly physically but hey if he also wants to fuck I’m down).

But after that he starts going off on how awful humans are and yeah I agree but also PLEASE keep talking about how similar we are i’m addicted to this shit keep inadvertently praising my skills while simultaneously insulting me. But THEN he starts saying all this shit like “oh how weird that you’re a Phantom Thief and I’m a detective” when NO don’t you DARE exclude yourself now you’re one of us too now wHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

But I didn’t get to argue my point v well because he ditched me as fast as he could after that bUt STILL CALLED ME LATER and was going on and on about how we’re both so principled and can never lose to one another and it’s just like “yes honey I know you want to fuck me into submission just get over here already” but I didn’t say that bcuz he would absolutely kill me for that so I’ll just have to hope the next two roombas help him recover enough he decides he wants to beat me using his dominant hand next time <3.

11/10 no question and bcuz I didn’t buy the book I now have more roomba money :)

2 people found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

Lup1nL0v3r

[5 star] choices choices
Reviewed in Japan on November 3, 2016

It’s kinda weird needing a backup private Amazon account for all of my shitty posts but…here I am haha. Can’t really talk about most of this shit when my sister’s reading all of the ones on my other account so…yeah. I hope she doesn’t find this one too, ig. She shouldn’t. I’m using the computer at my school’s library for god’s sake but…

I guess I’ll just have to hope. If she found this…if any of them did…

Anyway, I lied about what happened. Not entirely, the billiards outing was pretty much the same as I said before except I wasn’t too busy swooning to not listen to what Rival said.

I heard everything, and…

…

It’s strange, isn’t it? This is what I wanted, right? To reach out my hand and hope he'd grab it. But he didn’t. He reached out his, and he’s making me take the plunge.

What he was talking about…all the obstacles and the metaphors…it felt like listening to a confession. Everything we do, the consequences they hold, the fact that everything we've ever experienced might just be one tiny movement in this huge cosmic cause-effect chain. How, just like in billiards, some may be struck unintentionally despite the shooter’s best intentions and…

It was an apology, wasn’t it? Or, at least, the closest I’ll ever get to one, I suppose.

He asked me if I still plan on playing this game.

…

It feels so weird sometimes, how casual everything seems between us. None of my friends get it, they all just see this surface level version of him—the one who antagonizes them and purposefully makes them hate him while still making sure he seems useful so we never leave him behind.

But moments like these really make me remember why I like him as much as I do, that there’s always been something more beneath his mask—that maybe if I just reached far enough…

I want him to have a life beyond this.

I want a life with him beyond this.

Is that too much to ask for? It feels like it. There’s so many people involved, too many people. He’s hurt so many—going to hurt more, all to reach some greater good I don’t even understand right now.

I won the billiards match…but I still feel like I lost, which is stupid, right? This is what I wanted. This is what we both want. We both knew it would always end up like this.

But…

He asked me to join him. I thought it was a joke at first but it wasn’t. He was dead serious.

And I…

…he’s my rival.

And in a way it felt like the right thing to say, but the look he gave me really hit hard. Was this just how it’s always meant to be? Two rivals on opposite sides of the same coin. I couldn’t join him. I keep telling myself that. I couldn’t. I made the right decision. He said it so himself, neither of us can afford to lose because it’s a matter of principle. I can’t join him because it would go against everything I believe in, wouldn’t it?

He’ll never give in—never come over to our side. It’s just not him, doesn't follow his principles. He needs to win, needs to achieve his goal, needs…

…

Is it wrong for me to wonder whether this is all worth it in the end?

…

I never denied him, you know? I just…

I don’t know.

I’m starting to think I never did.

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[1 star] i hate you
Reviewed in Japan on December 13, 2016

Where are you Goro? It’s been days already and you’re still gone. None of the rescue teams have found you, not yet, but they have to, don’t they? You can’t just vanish, you can’t. I don’t care what they tell me you’re out there. You have to be.

I didn’t want to leave you. I never wanted to leave you. Why did I have to leave you? I could’ve saved you if I’d done something, if I’d moved faster. If I didn’t hesitate. If I’d taken the bullet for you.

It was never supposed to end like this.

It won’t end like this.

I can’t believe you’re dead. I can’t I can’t I can’t I won’t.

You’re not dead.

You can’t be. This wasn’t the plan. You read the note I left, you had to. If you didn’t you’d be dead before December. You made the call, Futaba heard you. Everything was going according to plan.

It was too good to be true, though. No matter how far I ran or how many sleepless nights I spent planning our heist it was never going to work.

Because you were never meant to survive. I listened to every word Shido said and it was never going to fucking work was it?! No matter what you told him or me you were always going to die!! And you KNEW that!! You never planned on surviving did you?!!!! Always just needed to survive long enough to kill Shido right?!!! To get your revenge?!!!! You always planned on dying and yet you let me get attached! Let me try for so long to find a way we could both be happy, a way YOU could be happy!

You want to know the worst part of all this?! I knew this would happen! I always knew it would happen. No matter how much I beg or scream or cry I can’t change the fact that one of us would always end up dead.

I tried so hard Goro. I wanted a happy ending. I thought taking down Shido might make that possible.

And then you had to happen.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I still have your glove with me, I can’t stop looking at it, thinking of all the things I could’ve done differently, all of the choices I made that led to this.

It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. You gave me a choice but I was too cowardly to take it. I had a choice but I thought we could have more. I wished for a world where you and I could be more than corpses and dreams and all it cost was your life.

I wish I’d let you kill me. Nothing would’ve changed, but I never would’ve had to watch Shido shoot you.

Tell me what I could’ve done differently. Tell me how I could’ve saved you. Tell me where I failed so I can fix this! Was I never enough? You said you wished we met earlier but you still shot me. You still pushed me away time and time again and you had a chance!! There was still hope!! Why did you have to do this?! This doesn’t fix anything, this isn’t enough to make up for what you’ve done so you can’t just die like that! I can’t believe you would do that. I can’t believe you Goro. After everything you can’t just die like that. You can’t. I won’t let you.

I need the other half of the pair you gave me.

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[1 star] Shido's going to be convicted
Reviewed in Japan on December 20, 2016

I found your message, the one in the margins of the crossword book. Did you leave it for me? Or is it just a coincidence that I looked at it before Sojiro threw it away, a final disposable remnant of your life to wash away with everything else.

How much of everything was a lie? You didn’t have to sleep with me, you didn’t have to entertain all of our dates, but you did. You didn’t have to kiss me, to fight me, all of that was you. Was it just another of your half-baked, awfully stupid schemes?

I used to think that they weren’t but...it’s hard. I wish you were here to tell me the truth, one way or another. Even if it was just to berate me for caring so much about such an obvious lie, at least you would still be alive.

...

Shido's going to be convicted. It's difficult, messier than even Okumura was. There's so many people involved, more than I ever could’ve possibly imagined and of course they're trying to throw you under the bus and accuse you and everyone else is already acting like you’re some washed up has-been they can hardly remember and I hate this I hate this so fucking much I hate being the only person in the world who gives a damn whether you were ever happy in your life and I just want you to come back please come back everything hurts it hurts so fucking much I can’t breath I can’t do anything but feel and I hate it I want to tear out my heart if only it would stop hurting me this way please make it stop i can’t take this anymore i’m rotting from the inside out and i still have to be strong for them strong for you but i can’t do it i never could it’s too much it’s all too much without you.

Why did you have to leave me? Why?! WHY?!! I thought we finally made progress! I thought we were worth something! I finally reached you! I was so close for so long and I finally did it but then you were gone and you're still gone and it feels like no one cares but me and I can't talk to anyone because you still fucking killed people and it's unfair it’s all just so unfair.

I'm still looking for your body. Every day on the shoreline I’m looking because I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t look. You can’t just disappear like this, you can’t just be dead. Please don’t be dead. Please please please just survive somehow. What am I supposed to do without you? You were such a big part of my life and I don’t know what to do with myself now that you’re not.

All of my friends are worried. They don’t say anything because they can’t. They don’t fucking get it so they can’t understand just how much you meant to me, that we mean to each other. They keep inviting me out, trying to coax me into doing shit and I just can’t. I can’t sleep I can’t eat everything feels like you all I can think about is your voice in my head your glove against my hand the feeling of your heart beating next to mine and I can’t do anything I’m so fucking useless I can’t just let you go not like this. You have to be out there somewhere. Please be out there somewhere I don’t know what I’d do if you turned up dead.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Sae might make me testify and I can't do this anymore. I can't i can't i can't i miss you so much please please come back I need you

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[1 star] just a nightmare
Reviewed in Japan on December 24, 2016

i was right. Sae’s going to make me testify. It’s the only way to get Shido arrested, to bring down his conspiracy. Any one of us could technically do it. We were all witnesses to Shido’s crimes, to what happened on his yacht, but it’s going to be me. It has to be me.

This is the way it was always going to end.

I’m going to do it, of course. There’s no way in hell I wouldn’t. Not after everything you’ve been through, that we’ve been through. If I didn’t it would all be for nothing.

But the finality still hurts. This is it. Everything we are. She’s going to take me soon and that will be it. My life ruined all over again, trapped in a jail cell for who the hell knows how long to rot away and be forgotten. I won’t be able to keep searching for you anymore. The rescue team already lost hope.

Every day I go it feels like I’m the only one left in the world still looking for you, still hoping you might be alive. My friends come with me, on occasion, and I know Shido’s conspiracy would leap at any opportunity to crucify you instead, but I’m the only one who cares about the fact that you kept every single stupid roomba I gave you.

Going with her means this is all over. Everything. All gone. We don’t have any time left.

This is our forever.

Tell me this is a dream. That when I open my eyes it’ll be June again and I can waste away my days wondering how to impress the pretty boy who gave me a chance to prove myself.

Better yet, tell me that when I wake up, I’ll be home again, sleeping in my own room watching the world through a TV screen and wondering what it’s like to live a life that’s exciting.

please just

tell me none of this is real

One person found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[4 stars] since when are darts illegal
Reviewed in Japan on May 29, 2017

GUESS WHO BEAT RIVAL AGAIN ME THAT’S WHO OMG I swear I will be relishing this victory for MONTHS and ik Rival’s glaring at me over the phone pretending not to be mad when he totally is and thank GOD weapons aren’t allowed here because I probably wouldn’t survive long enough to write this review if they weren’t

BUT like ok I’ll admit this victory isn’t as intense as the first time I beat Rival in billiards bcuz I have actually beaten him in darts before BUT this IS the first time I’ve beaten him as his official boyfriend so let me have this one (1) victory before he eats me alive in chess :)

And, yes, he WOULD still be fighting me in darts until he finally wins if it weren’t for the fact that both the darts and board were confiscated again but I’m getting ahead of myself

So, context: I haven’t been able to properly do anything Rival-related for a while now. Which omg LITERALLY SUCKS SO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN. Like first there were a few months of that was that whole drama of ‘is he dead or not’ and then I was in jail for a hot second there and then I find out he’s alive but problem is I’m not the only one to find out he’s alive so now we had to make sure he STAYED alive and there was legal drama and THAT was an entirely separate Perfectly Enjoyable Disaster and all the while I didn’t even get to listen to Rival passive-aggressively insulting me bcuz he went back into a coma for a while there and it was all the most literal disaster it could have been 0/10000 would not willingly be born to live through that again although I guess I should add at least 1 star since Rival’s alive and that automatically cancels out the bad stuff but you know what i’m keeping it at 0/10000 those months were fucking awful

BUT now that life has FINALLY calmed the fuck down I figure “hey this is a great opportunity to FINALLY spend some time w/ Rival” which OMG i got SO excited for bcuz this will be our first time properly hanging out w/out the threat of us dying ONLY OH NO my probation’s up so I end up being forcibly dragged back home before I get the chance and now now I’m stuck in this boring old town for the next year >:(

And like don’t get me wrong I NEVER want to have to go through all of that shit again and I NEVER want to watch Rival almost-die again or spend my nights lying awake wondering if this is the last day of my/Rival’s life

BUT a part of me is rlly starting to miss all of the Phantom Thief stuff. Ya know, all of the super-exciting thefts we planned and inevitable mistakes we made bcuz Mona liked crawling out of my bag during heists and as much as i love him i don’t love his addiction to walking directly in front of security cameras during our Very Important Missions

I mean it really FELT like what we were doing meant something ya know? Going after corrupt politicians and businessmen when everyone else was just worried about whether or not they’d pass finals

And idk. I don’t mind school or anything but it’s weird that the only remnants of my life as a Phantom Thief are the two cops who follow me around everywhere. And I mean maybe that COULD be cool like how the Government is spying on me and all of this shit but tbh they’re really boring too so yeah lesson learned: don’t become a vigilante phantom thief bcuz it will make y everything else in life boring af (unless u have a rival ofc in which case always become a vigilante phantom thief)

SO I’m sitting in bed petting my cat (who, yes, I did sneak in and have been covertly keeping right under my parents’ noses all this time bcuz robbing the government taught me to perfect my super sneaky thief skills/my parents literally don’t care enough to notice I brought back with me) and i’m all sad and stuff cause 1. I miss Tokyo 2. All of my friends from Tokyo are either busy doing shit or not even in Tokyo anymore and 3. I haven’t gotten to see Rival AT ALL since I came back and even tho we text and stuff I rlly miss him even if he’d call me “so moronic you even make Morgana look intelligent” for feeling this way which like OK SO RUDE THO IK MONA’S STUPID BUT ONLY I’M ALOWED TO SAY IT and if you couldn’t tell yes he did say that to me but joke’s on him i’m into that >:)

BUT I, the sexy, brilliant man I am, have the PERFECT solution to the chronic boredom that comes now that I’m officially one of those kids who peaked in highschool: my super sexy lovable asshole of a rival!!

Which sparked a whole new dilemma bcuz even tho we still text p often and play like online billiards & w/e so i wasn’t sure if it would be pushy or not for me to come and visit since he’s still recovering and idk if it would be coming on too strong but also i rlly wanna visit him and make sure he’s def ok and stuff and he probably wouldn’t be mad at me for wanting to visit him now that we’re officially dating right??

IDK but I figured it would probably be fine and that I could probably somehow escape the situation if I did manage to fuck it up and, ofc, did only the absolute most logical thing I could: I ditched school to take a two-hour train ride to go surprise Rival by visiting like the amazing bf I am <3

And sure even after the 2 hr train it’s a little bit of a walk too but idec because RIVAL so I get there and sign my name in and everything and I’m fucking PUMPED by the time I reach his room but ofc I knock bcuz he would absolutely NOT appreciate me just barging in and he doesn’t respond at first until I knock again and he’s all like “*sigh* yes?” and omg I haven’t heard his voice in FOREVER I am literally DYING already but somehow manage to open the door despite my limbs literally being jello and I open the door and the most beautiful fucking angel is staring back at me and my heart already skipped like three beats but then he says:

“what the hell are you doing here Akira?”

and like oMG I have literally NEVER HEARD A MORE PERFECT MAN in my LIFE!!! HE LITERALLY CALLED ME BY MY FIRST NAME PEOPLE YOU HEARD IT FIRST MY FIRST FUCKING NAME I CAN’T TAKE IT MY HEART’S GOING TO EXPLODE

AND HE ALSO SAID IT IN THAT WHOLE “I’m trying very hard to pretend like I hate you when I very clearly don’t and in fact look even possibly a little happy that you’re here” VOICE WHICH IS LIKE OMG SUCH AN EGO BOOST MY BOYFRIEND’S HAPPY TO SEE ME AROUND MY HEART CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE I’M GLAD WE’RE IN A HOSPITAL ALREADY BECAUSE I’LL NEED ONE IF HE LOOKS AT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN

BUT ANYWAY after he stops pretending like he’s not happy to see me (SWOON) he asks what I’m doing here to which i obviously lie and tell him I just happened to be in the area and then he’s all like “you literally live two hours away Kurusu how stupid do you think I am” and internally I’m all like “HE ACTIVELY REMEMBERS THAT I LIVE TWO HOURS AWAY??” but thankfully the singular skill my brain cell has is that it doesn’t necessarily translate my dumbass brain into actual speech so instead I’m all like “well i couldn't let a measly two hours keep me from my rival”

And he just gives me this Very Unamused Look that’s not ACTUALLY all that unamused bcuz there’s just the tiniest hint of a smile and omg this man isn’t even TRYING to kill me anymore and I’m already dead

But then he’s all like “Well I hope you enjoy watching paint dry” bcuz there isn’t all that much to do while he’s stuck in bed and tbh he probably was just as bored as I was since he was always HELLA busy b4 all of this btwn super secret hitman stuff and TV and actual detective-ing and now he can’t even go to school which ngl school sucks but yeah i would be even more bored if i didn’t even go at all so :///

BUT THIS BRINGS ME TO THE OTHER REASON I DECIDED TO VISIT:

my very sane and highly intelligent financial decision to purchase this dart set because money is worthless when you can just have your pseudo-sister hack into shady men’s businesses accounts and give you more

And oh. My. god.

His face when I pulled this out

Like I was definitely hoping that he’d be excited and wanna play darts w/ me again since he’s just as much of a competitive dramatic mess as I am and it’s been SOOO LONG since we got to play together at penguin sniper and I was prepared for the blank stare he gave me when I pulled this out bUT I WAS NOT AT ALL FUCKING PREPARED FOR HIM TO SMILE LIKE THAT

OMG

MT HEART

BUT YEAH we get to playing darts and ofc this is Rival so after I set up a board he insists we play 701 because he literally Will Not Play Anything else. Like, no matter what. And like sure I get it it’s to make things more competitive but also some days I just wanna play a little round of 301 and he just looks at me and laughs like i’m joking so i just have to laugh along to and weep my tears of pain later when he’s not looking bcuz i can’t feed his ego any more than i already do

Is it normal for your rival to refuse to play anything but 701 and refuse to hit anything but bullseyes? Asking for a friend.

and ok i should probably explain something here: ~technically~ we never play competitive darts, but they’re still competitions like literally everything else we do. Cause like the whole fun part about teaming up together to play 701 is how we can fuck one another over in the process and we can’t do that directly competing w/ one another so all of the competition is just communicated in mildly violent eye-fucking

Anyway so we get started and it’s going p well I’m a little rusty so i don’t go for the triple 20 right off the bat but manage to land 3 50s THANKS TO MY SUPER FUCKING SEXY HAND EYE COORDINATION SKILLS and he, ofc, only throws 3 50s and he, ofc, also lands them all perfectly because this is Rival we’re talking about and ok slightly intimidating but mostly hot and now I absolutely Cannot mess this up bcuz he’s giving me That Look and this is a whole new darts set i’m not used to playing w/ even if it seems better quality than my usual stuff but ofc Rival just can’t let me cry on the inside bcuz he’s all like “only bullseyes? I have to say I’m rather disappointed to see your skills degrade this way”

AND HE’S OFC SMIRKING AND I OFC KNOW HE’S JUST TRYING TO PISS ME OFF

SO I SHOULDN’T GIVE IN BUT LIKE

I CAN’T JUST NOT RESPOND TO THAT CAN I???

SO I finally decide FUCK IT and even though I can physically FEEL him staring at me and smirking at me like he KNOWS I’ll fail I take a leap of chance and go for a triple twenty

and you know what??

I FUCKING MAKE THE SHOT!!!

and like holy shit I really didn’t expect to??? Like my hand was literally shaking SO badly when I did and I was SO nervous bcuz I really wanna impress him so that he doesn’t question his choice to date me and ultimately break up with me BUT THIS FUCKING SET WORKED EXACTLY HOW I NEEDED IT 5/5 FOR THE DARTS

and NORMALLY that would be the end bcuz Rival looked sufficiently pleased with the fact that I got a triple twenty and we finish off the game w/ a solid 701 by the end WHEN

OFC

OUT OF NOWHERE

THIS NURSE APPEARS AND IS ALL LIKE “you shouldn’t have that here” and is like glaring at me all menacingly but I can’t even OPEN MY MOUTH TO ARGUE before she comes over and takes the board and darts away like ??????? seriously??????

And now Rival and I are BOTH trying to argue with her about how it’s just for entertainment and nothing will happen and we’re both clearly pros but she isn’t having it so she ends up taking it away and I’m left to sit here and cry inside because the board was SUPPOSED TO BE a gift for Rival but now he won’t even get to play it and WHY does EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to do something NICE and HAPPY with Rival does it have to go wrong like this???

FUCK THAT NURSE IF SHE THINKS TAKING AWAY THOSE DARTS WILL STOP ME IN MY QUEST TO MAKE RIVAL HAPPY SHE HAS ANOTHER FUCKING THING COMING HER WAY THE PHANTOM THIEVES WILL RIGHT SUCH A BLATANT INJUSTICE

**Update** OK OK so that was a fucking terrifying half an hour of crawling-induced back pain and sadness BUT I GOT THE BOARD BACK SO FUCK YEAH ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL HEIST COMPLETE!!!!

ANYWAY tldr: got bored and bought the dart set as an excuse to go eye-fuck my rival, 5 stars bcuz the dart set totally worked perfectly, -2 stars bcuz it got confiscated, and +1 star bcuz I stole it back via epic vent heist

(Oh and shout out to that one therapist dude who Definitely saw me stealing the board and darts back but also totally looked the other way while I did so THANKS MESSY GUY WITH GLASSES WHO ALSO LOOKS LIKE HE NEVER BRUSHES HIS HAIR UR THE BEST)

One person found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

loki

[2 stars] you goddamn idiot
Reviewed in Japan on May 30, 2017

I wish I could say I’m surprised to find that you wrote your review, but to be quite frank I’m anything but surprised by this point. You’re such a fucking moron I actually expected I might see a review like this pop up sooner or later.

And yet, I still can’t fucking believe you. You seriously spent hundreds of words just going on and on about how much you like me and how attractive I am and I can’t understand you in the slightest. I’m a fucking murderer and yet you keep looking at me like I’m your entire fucking world and you’re such a goddamn idiot for caring so much

I want to be upset, and yet it’s so utterly trite by this point I can hardly even muster the anger to be upset with you.

You’re still fucking awful at chess.

One person found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[2 stars] please send help
Reviewed in Japan on June 1, 2017
Verified Purchase

i’m literally going to die oh god this is the worst decision i’ve ever made someone please someone take my credit card away from me i shouldn’t have access to the internet anymore just throw me in the ocean already if goro realizes what i’ve done he won’t even have to kill me i’ll just die from embarrassment

OK so you know how Rival’s birthday is coming up, like, soon, right? Like, really really soon? So my tiny little pea brain said “hey maybe we should celebrate it” and ofc the rest of me was all like “FUCK YEAH LET’S CELEBRATE IT” and ok i’ve celebrated some of my friend’s birthdays b4 (just celebrated biker friend and gymnast friend’s b-days not that long ago and they were both fucking awesome AND no one got arrested bcuz mona’s the best getaway driver) but thing is i’ve never actually been the ONLY person to set up and celebrate a b-day b4

So ofc i’m nervous because not only is everything on me but this is also RIVAL’S b-day and HE’S LITERALLY MY BF OFFICIALLY NOW so everything’s gotta be perfect right? So I start ordering everything in advance like a smart person would and I have this whole entire detailed heist-worthy plan in place like no joke i seriously made a flow chart with all these scenarios like “is Rival is allowed to leave the clinic yes/no” and what i would do in all of them and I srsly spent literal DAYS figuring this all out and what we could do together even if he had to stay or if he was having a rough day or even if refused to let me even get through the door to visit him (and yes crying for three hours was the solution to that last one thank you for asking)

and that was all in addition to my regular visits to Rival’s apartment to check on our children bcuz Mei keeps getting on the window (don’t ask me how) and Kiki keeps getting into fights with Fuck You Stop Giving Me Roombas (i would change his name but Rival said he’d break up w/ me if I did :() so I have to keep breaking those two up and I would bring one of them home to let them both cool off but my parents are roombaphobes who banned me from keeping them in the house :((((

Getting off topic, anyway so in terms of the party I get busy and just ~assume~ that i bought everything by now bcuz there’s no way I didn’t right?

right?

...

until i realize

i forgot the balloons

So after getting weird looks from all of my classmates bcuz “who says their cat needs to take a piss as an excuse to leave” I do the only logical thing and panic buy a bunch of balloons to spell out Goro’s name. And, ofc, bcuz I can’t actually find anyone (in the ten seconds I have to look) that sells balloons of the kanji of his name so i end up having to throw his name into google translate and buy the english version which sucks but i’m p sure he knows english so it’ll be fine. And then it occurs to me that just having a bunch of balloons to spell out his name would probably would be weird on its own so I also buy a giant banner to spell out happy birthday bcuz I clearly haven’t made enough poor financial decisions already.

and they show up p quickly and at first I think I’m saved bcuz they just arrived today and so far it all looks good until…

i open the box

and oh my god they didn’t give me the balloons for happy birthday

they just gave me the balloons for happy twice

So instead of saying “happy birthday [Rival]” i now have balloons that say “happy happy [Rival]” that don’t even fit together because the happy birthday thing was supposed to be a set that goes like one right after the other and I woULD return them but I literally can’t his birthday is tomorrow so I’m freaking out

And it’s at that exact moment my brain decides to ask: “wait would Rival even like a birthday party at all?”

and I come to an epiphany

oh fuck he’s going to hate literally all of this

And I mean I probably should have known that way sooner cause no matter how much I want to yell from the skytree that it’s rival’s b-day and that he deserves being celebrated like this I fucking KNOW Rival would REALLY hate it if I did. Cause as much as he was on TV and kinda idol-y for a while there he’s actually v anti-people and ngl probably would attempt murder again if I did anything like that and sure that’s hot but also if he kills me who’s gonna celebrate his b-day :(

So now i’ve spent more than ¥20,000 on balloons bigger than i am that rival would actually kill me for giving him AND They don’t even spell out happy birthday properly and everything is a mess his birthday literally starts in seven minutes i don’t know what to do someone save me

*Edit* ok so it’s been like thirty minutes and originally I was consulting my cat about what to do but he got v judgemental and coughed up a hairball once I started crying which is just like ok rude so instead I started begging siri for help but she just kept trying to get me to call Rival which GAVE ME A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK so i finally decided to suck it up and ask model friend for advice since she’s the only one who (maybe???) is ok with Rival and also the only one I’ve (physically) told that I’m dating Rival (not that the rest of my friends don’t know it’s just that the rest like to pretend they don’t know)

wait—does my bro know? I actually think my bro genuinely might not know. Hang on let me check

**edit** oh god he didn’t know

anyway so now I have another crisis to deal with once bro inevitably bribes my sister to hack me into unblocking him BUT more importantly I talked to Model Friend and she agreed that Rival probably wouldn’t like the balloons so that’s a fail but she thought the idea of a cake was sweet (though she made me reduce it from five tiers to one :() so that’s at least not a total disaster and she didn’t even cough up a hairball when I started crying so that makes her 1000x better than Morgana :)

(she didn’t know i was crying but that’s besides the point)

SO PROJECT “Make Rival’s birthday great” IS STILL A GO

Now all I need to do is figure out what to do with the four intimidatingly large balloons spelling out Rival’s name in my room but that’s a problem for another day :)

2/5 stars because I can’t actually give the balloons to rival and they’re a little weird to wake up and see in the middle of the night but mona hasn’t eaten them yet so +1 star for endurance

One person found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

loki

[1 star] You never cease to amaze me
Reviewed in Japan on June 2, 2017

Every time I think I’ve seen your lowest you somehow find a way to sink even lower. I would say you’ve hit rock bottom but I’m sure you’ll find another way to impress me yet.

For one, I wouldn’t have to name my roombas, as you so eloquently put it, “Fuck You Stop Giving Me Roombas” if you actually followed the given advice and stopped fucking giving me roombas.

Secondly, what the fuck do you mean Mei keeps getting on the window.

Thirdly, how long did you spend working on that cake? Five tiers?! I really do hope that was an exaggeration because I doubt a cake that size would have even fit through the door much less been worth the time you’d have to spend to create such a thing

Fourthly, I can’t understand you, Akira. I agreed to date you because I thought you might get some sense into your head if you did and yet you’re still here, spending god knows how much money on the most ridiculous shit. You should despise me and yet you don’t. I tried to fucking kill you for fucks sake and yet no matter how long I wait for you to finally get some fucking sense in your head you keep visiting and keep looking at me with those sad eyes like you think the moment you leave I’m going to disappear again.

I’m not going to disappear, and since your conviction to date me hasn’t wavered yet, you aren’t going to disappear either. So wake the fuck up and stop thinking it’s the end of the world.

You’re my rival, it’s time you start acting like it.

Finally, I want those fucking balloons.

One person found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

Lup1nL0v3r

[5 stars] happy (late) birthday to the hottest man alive <3
Reviewed in Japan on June 3, 2017

It’s pretty simple Goro, I do all of these things because you do deserve them. You deserve affection and happiness and since I’m not giving up on you, you’re just going to have to accept the fact that I want to make you happy.

I haven’t forgotten what you’ve done, and I never will. You still deserve to be happy.

The day I stop giving you roombas is the day I die <3

One person found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

j0k3r69

[1 stars] my unlicensed therapist who didn’t graduate from college recommended this to me…
Reviewed in Japan on August 2, 2017

haha so funny story remember that guy who let me heist back the darts set I bought Rival? Well, it turns out he’s the leader of a cult! And I accidentally joined it!

Let me explain. So, you know how a few months ago I celebrated Rival’s birthday, right? Well, after an incident with the darts that We Do Not Speak Of I was maybe kinda sorta banned from the clinic. BUT after a lot of begging and crying the nurse took pity on me and instead of full-on banning me only banned me from bringing stuff for Rival.

So, of course, the first thing I do with my newfound freedom is break the one rule she gave me because fuck the law so I got pretty creative with how to get things into Rival’s room (pro tip: the window is always a valid option. Yes, that does include when said window is six stories off the ground and no, I haven’t broken any bones yet because I’m too sexy for broken bones and also Rival would laugh at me and I can’t let him be proven right). BUT for all of my valid ways of sneaking random kit kat flavors into Rival’s room, trying to sneak in several 2 meter tall balloons was a different beast entirely.

BUT Rival wanted those balloons and I’m nothing if not stupidly persistent so after a few days of contemplating the pros and cons teaching Morgana to pretend he’s a helicopter, tying the balloons to his back, and just hoping he doesn’t float away, I found my solution: our good old friend, the messy-haired guy!

To simplify a very smart extremely detailed plan for all the non-experienced heist-goers here: messy-haired guy would go distract the nurses while I very cleverly and stealthily brought the balloons into Rival’s room. Absolutely nothing could go wrong.

And, like, ok for as obviously flawless and masterful as my plan was, I will admit it was a bit of a long-shot to try and get messy-haired guy on board with it. I mean, I haven’t even talked to messy-haired guy before and all he had to do was not report me to the nearest authority. BUT at the same time he has a floating tarot card over his head whenever I open my third eye so I figured he would probably agree.

And you know what? I WAS TOTALLY FUCKING RIGHT!! TAKE THAT EVERYONE WHO ASKED ME IF I NEEDED TO SEE A THERAPIST WHEN I TOLD THEM I HEARD A LITTLE GIRL CONGRATULATING ME WHEN I RANKED UP

So w/ messy-haired guy on board and my brilliant plan at hand, latest heist went off perfectly! + I even got to leave the nurses a few of those knock-off calling cards I found in my super secret stash so they know exactly just how badly they got heisted.

BUT FINALLY I’m able to give Rival those balloons I spent way too much money on but for all the times he texted me demanding I give them to him he didn’t actually seem all that impressed because as soon as I arrived with the last balloon he took one look at them, then at me, and starteD LAUGHING LIKE I HADN’T JUST SPENT THE LAST HALF HOUR PERFORMING THE HEIST OF MY CAREER

AND LIKE I WOULD BE OFFENDED but he was laughing in that really cute hyena kinda way he does sometimes AND he even went out of his way to compliment me!! I mean sure he pretended it was an insult but saying “you’re even more of an idiot than I can possibly fathom” is totally a compliment because it means I exceeded Rival’s notoriously high expectations :)

BUT for as much as I enjoy watching Rival laugh at me for half an hour straight I’m actually left with a dilemma here. Legally, I’m not supposed to be here rn. Technically, the only reason I haven’t been kicked out yet is because no one but messy-haired guy, Rival, and my dear, lovely sister who will shut off endless security cameras to support me because she loves me (and all the Featherman figures my bottomless pockets of old rich dudes’ money can buy). But getting the balloons in ended up taking longer than I thought it would so he’s gotta go to his physical therapy sesh soon which means I have to get out. But leaving is literally the LAST thing I want to do rn (yes, even less than getting murdered which I’ll have you know is not very low on said list) but I have no idea where I would go or what I would do in the meantime and sure staring at the wall for two hours wouldn’t be the worst way I’ve spent a Saturday but I’d rather die again than leave at this point.

So, as you can imagine, I was more than a little desperate and just perhaps willing to commit crimes if it meant getting to stay w/ Rival but LOW AND BEHOLD MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED BECAUSE MESS-HAIRED GUY COMES TO MY RESCUE AND SAYS THERE’S A PARK NEARBY WHERE I CAN WAIT!!! And sure the offer was to technically come with him to the park so like kinda sketchy but if red flags ever stopped me from making decisions I’d never have gotten laid

So I agree, ofc, and ignore my bf’s v disapproving stare that probably would’ve made me reconsider all of my life choices if I wasn’t just doing this to spend more time w/ him and hey what’s the worst that could happen? Besides I have Morgana with me I can always just talk to him for two hours while messy-haired dude awkwardly watches it’ll be fine!

BUT OF FUCKING COURSE Morgana ditches me literally as soon as he possibly can because he’s a TRAITOR so with my usual source of entertainment gone now I actually have to talk to this guy and like, ok fine w/e I’ve talked to plenty of people who look like they’re having mid-life crises I can deal with this but then he IMMEDIATELY launches into this whole spiel about how life sucks and how ppl being sad sucks and no one should be sad and THEN he gets into his whole sad backstory about how his gf is staying at the clinic too and is so traumatized she can’t really talk anymore except for this one random fugue state she went into for a few months and now she’s back not talking again and it’s all very dramatic and just a little weird considering this is literally what the second time we’ve spoken but…

It all sounded very familiar ig, which makes me sound kinda insane but like from the moment he started talking it almost felt like messy-haired guy got me? Or, like, understood how I felt about Rival which was a weird feeling since most of my friends just like to pretend Rival doesn’t exist at this point and I haven’t even told my parents about Rival bcuz uh yeah that wouldn’t go over well. And sure looking back I feel kinda dumb since what’s the chance both of our SOs are in the same clinic dealing with murder trauma (sure my bf was the murderer and his gf wasn’t but same difference) and sure it wasn’t the same or anything but…

I mean now I know he’s a cult leader who was probably just saying w/e he had to to convince me to join him but…idk. It felt genuine at the time and I just can’t shake the feeling that he really did understand how I feel…and sure maybe that’s the stockholm syndrome talking but hey what’s the point of life if not to make you question literally all of your choices ever.

ANYWAY so we keep talking and besides the fact that he’s definitely on something he seems like a chill dude and he even said he supports the Phantom Thieves so even if he is crazy at least he’s got taste

*Edit* Honey I’m not insulting you you’re literally dating their leader ofc you’ve got good taste <3

BUT YEAh by the end I end up getting his phone number bcuz he’s apparently a counselor and hey free therapy doesn’t sound so bad in exchange for listening to his weird rants about how he wants to recreate reality and I get to spend the rest of the day w/ Rival (big win) so all’s good. And when I go up to visit Rival now I usually end up getting to talk to my unofficial sort-of-maybe-therapist. I listen to him cry over his gf and he helps me sort through some of my trauma so everything seems to be going well right?

That is, until he recommends that I read this book.

And uhhhh….

Holy shit?

I mean I mentioned before that he said some kinda weird stuff, right? But I just kinda glossed over a lot of it earlier because it didn’t sound THAT bad at first and it’s not like I’m not stupid enough to believe that sad memories should all be erased and sure I wish that I didn’t cry myself to sleep every other night but…

Oh. my. god. This is literally just a self-insert fanfiction. Like ik the characters have different names but trust me. This is a self-published self-insert fanfiction where he literally has himself chosen by some random god to be the new god of humanity and reform the world so everyone’s happy and there’s no problems ever.

And like at first I’m like 90% convinced that this has to all be some sort of elaborate joke right? I mean sure this sounds suspiciously a lot like the weird escapist stuff he was telling me about earlier but there’s no way that he actually believes any of this, right?

But then he started telling me more about Azathoth.

And then he introduced me to a bunch of people dressed in bedsheets who all refer to him as Adam Kadmon.

And then he started inviting me to “group therapy sessions” with these people.

And like, sure this is getting just a little weird and I’m a little sketched out but hey I’m dating a guy who almost shot me in the head so I’m trying to keep an open mind here.

And, like, you have to understand that up to now I’ve been pretty committed to this whole thing. Like weird ass prophecy rewriting metaverse cognition stuff aside, I’ve been talking to this dude pretty often and he knows WAY too much about me just like I know WAY too much about him at this point and he’s helped me work through the fact that I don’t know how to comprehend the fact that gloves make me equally sad as they do horny so I’m trying to give him a lot of leeway here.

Until he walked into one of the group therapy sessions wearing a golden latex bodysuit.

That sight has traumatized me in ways incomprehensible to human speech.

And by now my lizard brain is s c r e a m i n g for me to leave right? But as soon as I try the bodysuit is right there searing itself into my brain so instead I just sit down an nod along to whatever he tells me and pray that I live long enough to throw Rival’s glove back at his face. Sure I accidentally signed my life away in a contract he gave me but at least I survived so now I get to duel Rival one last time before my existence is eradicated from the face of this Earth! :)

SO I go back to the clinic and sure fighting Rival while he’s technically still disabled won’t be as fun but I’m sure we can make this work but ofc the moment I step into his room Rival already obviously knows something’s up and he gives me this v deadpan look and is all like “what did you do this time” but with his eyes so it was sexier and I’m all like “oh haha yeah just accidentally signed my life away nbd” and like I don’t think he believed me at first because he just glared at me for a while.

But then he realized. And in that moment, trauma be damned, I feared for messy-haired’s life.

And after I explained everything to Rival he called me an idiot, smiled in a very threatening way, and then told me that he would take care of things. And to make what I assume is a very long and epic story of revenge that Rival refuses to tell me short: no, messy-haired guy isn’t dead, said contract no longer exists on this plane of being, and I’ve already bought five different wedding rings for Rival to choose from when I propose to him.

TLDR: accidentally joined a cult (minus one star), saw way more than I ever wanted or needed to because the bodysuit was skin tight (minus fifteen stars), and got saved by Rival who I really really really need to propose to as soon as possible. 1/5 would maybe do again because Rival is hot as hell when he makes grown men cower <333

2 people found this helpful

AMAZON REVIEW:

loki

[1 star] Poor Quality, Too Expensive
Reviewed in Japan on September 22, 2017
Verified Purchase

Let me start by making it abundantly clear that, given the chance, I would not have given this product even a single star. Quite frankly, any positive integer given to this product is an insult to the many people who actually put any kind of attempt at effort into making whatever garbage they decide to sell here. If anything, a 1/5 stars rating is still an insult to the other products on this site, but so long as negative integers remain elusive in this rating system, I suppose 1/5 stars will have to do.

With such a preface in mind, let’s begin.

First and foremost, the amount of time this took to arrive was plainly insulting. Not only did the package have numerous delays and complications the likes of which I have yet to experience in my life (yes, including in the field of murder for hire), but after having purchased this product weeks ago I only just received it yesterday. In any other situation, mind you, I would not have particularly cared that the package was so delayed. Is it unfortunate? Yes. But I am able to acknowledge when such issues are of obviously minimal importance.

However, this is not just any situation, and I did not actually purchase this gift for myself: it was originally intended to serve as a minor birthday gift (which, I would like to add, I would have normally never even thought to purchase from Amazon in the first place considering their notoriously cheap quality if not for two distinct facts: 1. That this particular chess board was advertised as being easily portable and therefore convenient to bring on casual outings, and 2. That my stupid fucking boyfriend is addicted to this site and I mistakenly assumed returning his endless stream of gifts purchased from this site with one of my own would be a source of entertainment for him). Therefore, the product’s extreme tardiness was an excessive problem, as I wasn’t about to debase myself as his rival by offering him a present the day after instead of the day of (particularly considering the extravagance of his display when my unfortunate day of birth came to pass).

Of course, knowing that the board was arriving late, I prepared another gift (one, I might add, of significantly higher quality than this trash) and decided this particular order would have to be written off as a sunk cost to find another purpose for or return once it arrived. However, the product did arrive. On the exact same day as said boyfriend’s birthday.

And, quite frankly, I’m insulted that Amazon would dare sell me such a product. Not only are the pieces of insultingly cheap quality (regardless of what other reviewers may claim), but the despite its claims for a easily portable size the set was bulky and awkward to carry in anything but a separate bag, which would virtually defeat the board’s entire purpose if it weren’t for my boyfriend’s needless obsession to carry a bag everywhere because his cat is the nosiest fucking creature on the planet and he not only refuses to seriously consider any of my suggestions to put the thing out of its misery, but will also actively converse with said cat as if it was another person. Quite frankly, it makes me relieved to no longer work in law enforcement because if I had 100 yen for every time I talked to a witness and heard that the Phantom Thieves’ getaway van was being helmed by a cat I would be able to pay back said awful boyfriend for all of the roombas he keeps delivering to my home.

And I have not even yet mentioned the abysmal painting quality of the board itself. The squares are technically straight, yes, but the entire board appears to have been shifted during manufacturing because the lines are entire centimeters off (at a diagonal angle I might add), which is particularly abysmal given that original lines were engraved into the wood and makes the entire box look like a tacky gag gift. I would have rather been delivered a piece of cardboard with a child’s drawings of a chessboard than this product, because at least in that case I could forgive the fact that children are fucking stupid and don’t know how to do anything right.

I have settled for poor products. I have settled for poor conditions. Just a few years ago I would have rejoiced at merely the opportunity to play chess, much less own a chess set. Under any other circumstances, I would have merely returned the product and posted a single star review. But as a gift for my rival, this was entirely unacceptable.

As if the situation couldn’t get any worse, my boyfriend just so happens to have an absurdly accurate sixth sense for identifying things I wish to hide from him, such as this package, and discovering exactly what they contain, only makes this situation even worse, as now he’s faced with the knowledge that I purchased something subpar for him and despite his insistence that he likes it regardless of its flaws I am not okay with giving it to him, because if he won’t grow a backbone and stop settling for subpar treatment and a subpar life from those he calls his friends, then I’ll do it for him.

Do not purchase this product if you value yourself or anyone you would think to give it to.