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“Can you scooch over?” the green-eyed girl asks her friend. “I’m like hanging off the bed.”
“But I don’t wanna.” her friend whines back with a pout.
“Camila, I swear to god if you don-“
“Okay, okay! I’m scooching, I’m scooching,” Camila grumbles back, positioning herself closer to the wall. “There is that better, princess?”
Lauren sends her a playful glare and reaches around for the remote. She can’t believe that she is being coerced into watching “The Notebook” for the umpteenth time. Now, don’t get her wrong, she loves this movie. She loves the plot and the concept of hundreds of unread love letters. And she especially loves Ryan Gosling. But this is, and she isn’t exaggerating, at least the 10th time she has watched it. This week.
She doesn’t know why Camila is so obsessed with it or why she lets her talk her into this each time she comes over Lauren’s house. Well, that isn’t exactly true. She kind of knows the answer to both of those. Camila’s in love with love. She loves that Noah sends those letters, builds that house, and kisses so passionately in the rain. For her, it’s a representation of the fervor and excitement that she hopes to one day find in her own life. And that second part? Lauren’s in love with Camila’s love, if that makes any sense. Okay, maybe not love, but she really likes how into it Camila gets. The way that she stares all doe-eyed at the screen, like she’s learning something new in each scene. Or the little sigh that escapes at a particularly heart-felt moment. But the absolute best part is when Camila insists on holding Lauren’s hand because it makes the whole experience “more romantic and authentic, obviously.”
And that’s what Lauren is currently waiting for. Her eyes are practically glazed over and her mind has already drifted far, far way, but she’s still acutely aware of the fact that Camila’s hand is nowhere near hers. It’s not like she needs to be holding Camila’s hand. That would just be ridiculous. But it gives her something to do as she sits through the movie because she doesn’t really want to revisit the death glare she was given last time she tried taking out her phone. So, holding Camila’s hand, giving her occasional squeezes, and playing with her fingers are Lauren’s only forms of entertainment.
As time goes on and there is, frustratingly, still no handholding, Lauren contemplates initiating it on her own. She scrunches her nose as she thinks about it. It would feel kind of weird. Like, that’s Camila’s thing. It’s always been Camila insisting that she needs to do it and Lauren has simply allowed it. “Would Camila be weirded out if I reached for her hand?” Lauren thinks, almost groaning aloud at how dumb her own thought sounds. Of course, she wouldn’t be weirded out. “It’s normal,” Lauren reasons, “it’s what we always do.” She makes the executive decision to grab her hand when suddenly the other girl moves, sitting against the wall.
“Are you alright?” Lauren asks, leaning up on her elbows. Camila has never once even paused the movie and here she is, completely ignoring what’s happening on the screen.
“I can’t wait to find a love like that, Lauren.”
“Oh no, Camila. Please, not this again,” Lauren groans, “You’ve been saying this since we first watched it last year.”
“Yeah, and guess what? Nothing has happened in a year!” Camila exclaims, throwing her arms up in exasperation. “Do you know how many exciting things have happened to me relationship-wise? Zip. Zilch. Zero. There is absolutely nothing going on in that department.”
“Camila,” Lauren begins, “It isn’t that big of-“
“No, Laur! It is a big deal, okay? Everyone else is getting into relationships and going on cute dates,” she sighs and rubs her hand over her face. “I’m sick of that never being me.”
“I don’t think that should be your first priority.” Lauren mumbles, staring up at the ceiling.
“What do you mean my first priority?”
Lauren looks at the other girl, trying to decide if she should continue with her thought. “Fuck it,” she thinks, “I’m so over this conversation.”
“Camz, you haven’t even kissed someone yet.”
“Wow,” Camila snorts, “thanks for the reminder. I totally wasn’t aware of that.”
“Look, babe.” Lauren reaches over and grabs Camila’s hand, her thumb rubbing circles into the girl’s palm. This wasn’t really how she wanted to initiate the handholding, but, hey, she’ll take what she can get. “I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just like, how are you supposed to know what love really is, if you haven’t even kissed someone yet? I’m just saying that it should probably be the first step before you get too in over your head or something.”
“Yeah, because I have so many options.” Camila sighs, taking her hand away to pull at a loose thread.
The girls refocus their attention on the screen. Camila is still sitting against the wall, but Lauren is now propped up against the headboard. Her legs are stretched out and she flexes her toes, thinking about what Camila had said. She completely understood where she was coming from, but it never made the conversations any less frustrating. The other girl would always name little things that she wished would happen to her. She wanted someone to hold the door open for her, send her good morning texts, rub her back when she was feeling sick, and do all sorts of cute, little things like that. But didn’t Lauren already do all of those things? Why would she need to be in a relationship when she already had a best friend to do all of that? Unless, that wasn’t what normal best friends did? “Shit,” Lauren thinks, “Does this mean that I’m acting more like a-,” her thoughts are interrupted by a hand squeezing her knee.
“Huh?”
“Did you hear anything I just said?” Camila asks with her head cocked to the side. “Or were you just off in Lolo-land again?” Camila raises an eyebrow at her own joke and bites her lip to contain a grin.
“Nope, not a single thing.” Lauren rolls her eyes and attempts a smile, but she’s still a little caught up with her latest thought process.
“I said, can you tell me about kissing?”
“Uh, what?” Lauren questions, her eyes going wide.
“Come on,” she whines, “you never talk about any of this stuff.” She gives her best pout. “Give me the dirt, Lauren. What’s it like?”
Lauren is about to rebuke her request, but Camila looks so hopeful, like whatever Lauren tells her will surely be important information. Lauren sighs and looks down, playing with her fingers. She has no idea how to explain this, but she might as well try.
“You kind of just… grab their face and go for it. Like, you pick a lip and stick with that one and kind of, um, do it?” Her voice goes up at the end making it sound more like a question than a teaching moment. “I don’t know, Camz, you just gotta do it. It really isn’t that hard.” She scoffs, rolling her eyes.
“That was kind of a shitty explanation.” Camila says, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, it was a shitty question.” Lauren pokes the other girl in the cheek as a way of letting her know it was a joke.
Camila rolls her eyes and focuses back on the television. Lauren is ready to forget the conversation and work on gaining Camila’s hand again, but then the other girl is sighing and pausing the television. This night seemed to be full of surprises.
“What if…” Camila bites her lip, “never mind, it’s stupid.” Camila shakes her head, face growing warm at her thought.
“What’s stupid? You can tell me.”
“Well, I was hopin- thinking that maybe, if you don’t think it’s totally weird and stupid that maybe we could, you know, platonically, as friends, as best friends, just try—“
“Alright, spit it out, Camz. You’re rambling.”
“Well… I was thinking maybe…” Camila looked up finding green eyes, “You could show me?”
“What?” Lauren squeaked out. Her eyes went wide and it felt like a brick had just lodged itself in the back of her throat. Camila wanted to be shown? As in total mouth on mouth contact with Lauren?
“Please, Laur! Like, I understand if you’re uncomfortable or whatever bu-“
“Why me?” Lauren interjected, “Why not a different friend?”
Lauren felt like her heart was racing a mile a minute. Camila just asked to be kissed. By Lauren. On the mouth. Lauren was supposed to show her. Her mind had gone blank and the same thoughts were cycling through over and over. Lauren might have to show Camila how to kiss. What?
“Well,” Camila bites her lip, “You seem so experienced, like, you make it all sound so simple. And you said ‘I just gotta do it.’ So I just wanna do it right now. If that’s alright, of course.”
“I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be weird if we kissed?”
“It won’t be weird if we don’t let it be weird!” Camila said, her voice rising in slight desperation. For some reason, she really, really wants to kiss Lauren now. She shakes her head slightly and tries to rid herself of the thought. “And it isn’t like I like you, that would make it weird.” She finishes, her cheeks growing warm and eyes falling downcast, pulling again at a loose thread.
“I-I don’t think I can do this for you.” Lauren stutters. She stands up from the bed and turns away from the other girl, crossing her arms and staring at the floor.
“I don’t wanna pressure you it’s just that you’re my best friend and if I don’t get it from you who else would it be from? I literally have no one else. I need the experience.” Camila reasons, her voice now completely desperate. She was going to get this kiss, damn it. This was the day that Camila Cabello would gain some experience.
Her pleas were met with silence. Meanwhile, Lauren was still staring straight down, her mind stuck in overdrive with the possibility of kissing Camila.
“Please, Lauren. You know I wouldn’t be asking you if I wasn’t desperate. You know I’m desperate.” She stares at the back of Lauren’s head. Her black hair is squished in the back from being pressed into the pillow. She wants to reach out and run her fingers through the girl’s hair and help return some of her natural waves, but thinks that might be too much right now. Instead, she settles as close to the truth as she can manage, “I think you would be a great first kiss, Lo.”
At that, Lauren whips around facing the other girl once again. She pushes fingers through the front of her hair and switches a handful to the side. “I think I may be too experienced to be a first. My skills may overwhelm you.” She kinks an eyebrow, but there’s still some hesitance behind her playful words.
“Good, then you can teach me all the tricks.” Camila jests back, her face splitting into a wide smile.
The girls stare at each other, neither seeming to know how to take the next step. Lauren takes a few steps back and breaks their gaze by shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath.
“Are you sure, Camz?”
“I’ve never been more sure.” Camila says with an easy smile and truth woven into her words.
“Okay,” Lauren opens her eyes, “Stand up.”
Camila has to stop her mouth from dropping too dramatically at the other girl’s command. She was pretty used to getting her way when it came to Lauren, but even she didn’t expect her to agree to this. She was frozen to the bed, her back stiff against the wall.
“Time is ticking, Camz. I don’t have all day.” Lauren jokes, her too tight smile exposing some of her nerves.
With Lauren’s affirmation, Camila is scampering off the bed and making her way over. She bounces on the balls of her feet, hands clasped behind her back as she stands in front of Lauren. Her smile is wide and her eyes bright. She’s obviously excited to be getting her first kiss, but there’s something else mingling in there, too.
She shuts her eyes, “Alright, Jauregui, do your magic,” she whispers, wetting her lips.
Now it’s Lauren’s turn to be frozen. Her gaze washes over the other girl’s face. She starts at the tiny mole on the top of her forehead and moves down to her closed eyes. Her eyeliner is smudged across the lid and her mascara has gotten a bit clumpy, but Lauren doesn’t think it looks bad. After all, Camila had worn pajama pants and a t-shirt in anticipation of the movie night, so it fits in with her comfy appearance.
Her eyes then slide over the slope of Camila’s nose and land directly on her lips. There are faint indentations left from Camila’s constant gnawing and they look a tiny bit chapped, but Lauren doesn’t mind. Her own lips aren’t the softest either, so she’s really in no place to judge.
It’s when Lauren is still staring at her lips that Camila decides to speak again.
She opens one eye and scrunches her nose, “Are you gonna kiss these lips or just keep staring at them?”
With those words, Lauren’s brain goes haywire once again. She had been so distracted by her study of Camila’s face that she forgot she was supposed to be kissing her. She can feel the nerves all the way down to her toes. It’s like her body is a live wire and she’s struggling to contain the spark that’s in her veins.
Lauren still hadn’t moved or even responded before the other girl picks up on her nerves.
“Lo, it’s okay to be nervous. I’m nervous too. It’s like, if you could take my pulse right now it would feel like a jackhammer or something.” Camila says with a little laugh. She squeezes Lauren’s shoulders, “You can do this, okay? We can do this.”
Lauren nods in response and takes another deep breath. Camila believes in her. No, Camila believes in them.
She gives herself one final, mental pep talk before resting a palm on the side of Camila’s face and another on her neck. The brown-eyed girl gives a small smile before sliding her hands down Lauren’s arms and resting them at her hips.
Lauren hesitantly moves closer and scans Camila’s face one more time before closing her eyes. The last thing she notices is the heat of Camila’s breath before she’s connecting their lips.
Lauren is expecting either one of two things. One, that all of her nerves will completely melt away and she’ll feel totally at ease, or that, two, she’ll see fireworks and stars and she’ll feel her whole body lighting up. Instead, she just feels kind of warm. Her body feels slightly less on edge, but there’s still the same nervous electricity circulating her veins.
She feels accomplished. She just gave, no, is giving Camila her first kiss and, consequently, received—
“Lauren?” Camila interrupts, taking the green-eyed girl out of her revelations. “That was nice and all, but, like… I was hoping for a little more than a peck, you know?”
“Oh, right.” Lauren giggles. “But I said I didn’t want to overwhelm you!” She jokes, sticking her tongue out. Camila rolls her eyes, but a smile still graces her face, “Maybe we could like—,”
Lauren drowns out Camila’s voice with her own inner monologue. “I did it,” Lauren thinks, “I kissed her and I didn’t fuck up. I fucking kissed Camila.”
A smirk takes over her face as she watches Camila ramble. She has no clue what she’s saying anymore, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she took the first step already. They made lip on lip contact and it wasn’t bad. Granted, it wasn’t all that exciting, but the important thing is that nothing went wrong. Lauren could do this. She could properly kiss Camila and not ruin it.
Camila’s face is a bit pink as she continues to speak, which Lauren assumes, is about different kinds of kisses.
“Shut up, Camz.” Lauren murmurs, leaning in once again. She moves her hand up from the girl’s neck and rests it on her cheek.
“Wh-what?” she stutters, her sentence cut off mid-sentence.
“I said,” Lauren ghosts over her lips, “shut,” she punctuates the word with a peck, “up.” She pecks the girl a final time and takes a second to look her over before completely diving in.
Lauren’s confidence is practically through the roof from their first successful kiss, and there’s no holding her back now. She’s lips and tongue and teeth. She’s pushing in hard and is everywhere at once. She feels like kissing Camila is everything she had ever imagined it to be— and more.
Every cliché she has ever heard is suddenly coming true. There are fireworks in her head, each and every synapse exploding into a burst of sulfur and color. There are sparks shooting from her fingertips as her palms mold themselves around Camila’s cheeks. There are thousands of veins desperately pumping blood into her rapidly beating heart.
And as Lauren slides her tongue further into the other girl’s mouth, she swears that time is standing still.
Except… it isn’t in the romantic, cliché kind of way.
It’s standing still in the sense that Camila had pulled away and is wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and looking disgusted. It’s standing still in the sense that Camila is now leaning away from Lauren with a skeptical look on her face. It’s standing still because Camila is opening her mouth to speak and Lauren has a feeling that it won’t be a compliment.
“Uh, I feel like it wasn’t supposed to be so… wet?”
Lauren stares wide-eyed at Camila, hands still hanging in the air where they had been grasping her face.
“Also, are our teeth supposed to hit that much?”
And with that, time is crashing back down on Lauren.
“O-oh, god,” Lauren collapses with shaky legs onto the edge of the bed. She leans forward, bringing her hands up to obscure her flushed face.
“I’m so sorry,” Lauren gasps, “I’m so, so sorry.”
Camila stares at the girl, unsure of what to say. The kiss hadn’t been good and that genuinely surprises her. It must have been her own fault— she was the inexperienced one, after all.
“It’s okay, Lauren. It’s my fault. I-I wasn’t doing enough.” She chews on her lip, twisting her fingers together. “Or maybe I’ve just romanticized kissing way too much.”
“No, you don’t get it.”
“I know, I don’t. I mean, I’ve never done it before I probably just don’t know how it’s supposed to work. You’re the expert so-“
“No, Camila.” Lauren shakes her head as she hears the word “expert” and dares to look up at her friend. “You don’t get it.” Lauren says, voice wavering.
“Don’t get what, Laur?”
“I’m not an expert. God, I could hardly even be considered a beginner.”
Camila’s eyebrows furrow in confusion and she gingerly steps in front of Lauren.
“Lauren, I’m not understanding.” She reaches out for Lauren’s hand, but the other girl recoils and wraps her arms around herself. “I really need you to explain.” She returns the reaching hand to her side.
Lauren sighs and closes her eyes again. She bites the inside of her cheek and mumbles out, “I’veneverkissedsomeonebefore.”
“What? I have no idea what you just said.”
“I said, I’ve neverkissedsomeonebefore.” She mumbles out again, her face turned down and away from Camila.
“I don’t kno-“
“I’ve never kissed someone before!” Lauren explodes, her hands reaching down to grip the edge of the bed, eyes wet as she looks up at Camila.
Camila’s mouth falls open and she rocks back on her heels as if Lauren’s confession had physically pushed her back.
She clamps her mouth shut as she quickly thinks over what the girl had just told her. She opens it again and what comes out is the last thing Lauren would have ever expected.
It’s laughter.
Laughter is pouring out of Camila as the green-eyed girl’s words circle around in her head.
“So,” Camila starts, barely choking down her laugh, “this whole time I thought you didn’t kiss and tell, but it was really just you not kissing and not telling?” She laughs again, completely bewildered by what Lauren had told her.
It’s not until after she looks down at the other girl that her laughter subsides.
Tears are sliding down Lauren’s cheeks, as she looks at Camila aghast. She was laughing at her? She had just told her biggest secret and all the other girl could do was laugh and make fun of her?
Camila’s eyes go wide as she realizes what she had just done. She drops down between Lauren’s legs, gripping her knees. She ducks her head, desperately trying to make eye contact, but Lauren shifts her head away, looking off to the side.
“Oh my god, Laur.” The brown-eyed girl starts, on the verge of tears from the sight in front of her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh. I’m just really shocked, okay? Like, it makes sense that I haven’t kissed someone before, but you? You’re so beautiful and amazing and all the guys love you and—“
Lauren’s tears only intensify with Camila’s words. The girl kneeling in front of her pauses, contemplating what she could say to make this better. Instead, she ditches the use of words at all. She lifts Lauren’s head, forcing their eyes to meet. She uses her fingers to gently brush away the tears trekking their way down Lauren’s face. Before she has the chance to do much else, she’s being yanked up and forward into a hug, the other girl burying her face into her shoulder. Camila shifts her weight away from Lauren’s lap and sits to the side of her, never breaking the embrace.
And Lauren is still crying. She feels stupid, pathetic, and childish. The thought alone of how lame she must look to the other girl dries her tears in the matter of a minute. She holds onto Camila for a little bit longer, enjoying the way her fingers run soothingly up and down her back. She slowly pulls back, rubbing the palms of her hands under her eyes.
Camila gives her a sympathetic smile, letting out another soft “sorry” for good measure. Lauren waves her hand in the air, brushing off the apology. This wasn’t the first time she had cried on the other girl’s shoulder, but she still felt the same awkwardness after. While her face tended to show her thoughts, she was generally able to reel her emotions in long enough to keep them hidden around others. However, there was something about Camila that always left her a blubbering mess.
The two girls move back in silence to sit against the wall, shoulders brushing. Lauren puts her legs up, folding her arms across the top. She rested her cheek on her arms and watched Camila trace random patterns on the leg of her pajama pants.
Maybe this was why she allowed herself to cry in front of the other girl. She gave Lauren time to think, not pushing her to explain herself until she was ready. Well, she normally did that.
“Can I- can I ask you something?” the brown-eyed girl asks, breaking the silence.
“Sure.” Lauren croaks out, her throat sore from crying.
“You’ve had boyfriends, yeah?” Lauren only blinks in response. “So, why didn’t you kiss any of them?”
Lauren gulps, taken aback by the question. Why hadn’t she kissed any of them? They had all been more than willing and a couple had even been angry when she ignored their advances, but she never could give them a really good reason for her unwillingness. She stares past Camila, trying to think of a real response.
Camila pokes her side, lifting her eyebrows as she waits for her answer. Crinkling her nose, Lauren nudges her back with an elbow. She clears her throat before speaking.
“I guess I never kissed them before because it never really felt special enough.” She cracks her knuckles against her knees. “I mean, I liked them, of course, but I never liked them enough. I always broke it off before it got too serious.”
Camila nods her head, seeming to understand Lauren’s reasoning. But then something hits her and her eyes grow wide for what feels like the hundredth time that night.
“None of them were special to you?”
“Nah,” Lauren says, “they all ended up being fuckboys.” They both laugh at that before falling into another silence. Lauren eventually returns her gaze to the girl next to her, surprised to find her already looking at her.
“Why are you so smiley?” Lauren questions, quirking an eyebrow.
“Oh, no reason.” Camila answers mysteriously, her smile growing exponentially.
“Maybe just cause you thought I was special enough to kiss.”
Lauren feels her face grow hot. She was so wrapped up in her crying that she had honestly forgotten she had even kissed the other girl at all. But, now that she remembers, she feels like crying all over again.
“I’m sorry I ruined your first kiss, Camz.” She whispers.
“You didn’t ruin my- our first kiss at all.”
The green-eyed girl snorts, “We both know that I did.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
Lauren looks at her disbelievingly, laying her legs out in front of her. “I didn’t deserve to be your first kiss.” The other girl looks ready to protest so Lauren barrels ahead. “I was wrong with what I said earlier. Kissing doesn’t have to be the first step. The first step should have been someone who was the whole package. That’s who you deserve.”
Camila shifts her body so she’s sitting with her legs crossed as she faces Lauren. “What does ‘the whole package’ mean to you?”
“I think it’s someone, like you always say, to take you on cute dates.” She pauses, looking down as she picks at a loose thread. “And hold your hand, open the door for you, send you good morning texts…” Lauren bites the inside of her cheek to keep her next thought from spilling out, “All the stuff that I do.”
“All the stuff that you do?”
“Huh?” Lauren’s head shoots up. Holy shit, had she said that out loud?
“I think you kind of do all that stuff, Laur.” Camila blushes, looking at the older girl.
Lauren almost sighs in relief, knowing that she hadn’t accidentally said her thought aloud. But then, wait, what? Does this mean that Camila thinks—
“You’re always doing cute stuff for me. Like, letting me hold your hand during movies, letting me borrow your clothes, asking about my day and genuinely caring about what I say even though we both know I spent it watching Friends on Netflix.” Camila pauses, licking her lips. “Besides my family, you care more about me more than anyone else. You make me feel special, Lauren, and that’s probably why I like you so much.”
“You like me?” Lauren whispers, jaw slightly hinged in surprise.
Camila gasps, hands flying to cover her mouth. She hadn’t gone into this night expecting any of this. She expected a normal night where she lost herself in the dreaminess of Ryan Gosling curled up next to her best friend. Hell, she hadn’t gone into this night thinking of Lauren as anything but her best friend. This entire night had been a kind of slow realization for her. Except, now, it didn’t feel so slow. Everything was slow until this very moment when she realized that she really did like Lauren. And she liked her a lot.
Camila, hands still over mouth, nods her head. There was no point in denying it now.
“I like you too, Camz.” Lauren giggles, a toothy smile taking over her face.
Camila almost chokes on her own spit at that, but manages to stay fairly composed. Lauren turns and mirrors Camila’s position. She moves Camila’s hands away from her face, holding onto them as they rest between the two girls. A matching smile as wide and as toothy as Lauren’s takes over the brown-eyed girl’s face.
“Camila,” Lauren begins, swallowing down some of her smile, “Do you think I could make up it to you and try again?”
“Of course,” Camila nods, biting her lip, “We can learn to kiss together, okay?”
“Okay.” Lauren murmurs. She lets go of Camila’s hands, bringing one of her own up to tuck some loose hairs behind the girl’s ear and then resting it on her cheek.
She brings her other hand up and runs it across Camila’s lip, using her thumb to untuck the one that she’s biting.
“We might need to get you some chapstick, Camz.” Lauren jokes, “You’ve got some chapped lips here.”
“Noted.” Camila giggles, not at all embarrassed.
Lauren leans in, but right before she can close the gap, Camila gently pushes at her chest.
“Just, please, not so much tongue this time, okay?”
“Noted.” Lauren repeats, before leaning in once more.