Work Text:
“I’m leaving the 118.”
Oh god, it’s happening. Eddie is leaving us; he is leaving me. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Everyone leaves, what did you expect. I stand frozen despite the warm sunny day in Los Angeles. I look at Hen to make sure that I’m not hearing things, but the somber expression on her face tells me everything I need to know. Suddenly I’m there, but the world around me has slowed to a crawl, and no noise finds its way to my ears despite the moving of lips from Hen. Eddie is talking back to her, but the only thing I comprehend is the repetitive mantra of I’m leaving the 118.
Instead of listening to his explanation and talking with him, I do what I do best. I take a single look around, purposely avoiding his gaze, and see all the happy people around me. They have no clue of the earthquake that rattled my very foundation that was punched out in four single words. Taylor meets my eyes before shooting me a smile and waving her hand. Instead of providing comfort or support, her actions provide a vice grip around my throat. I attempt to smile back, but I can tell I’m unsuccessful by how she excuses herself from the conversation and begins her walk towards me.
I know that whatever she says will provide little reassurance, and so I take off towards the parking area where my jeep lingers as a safe haven. I jump in and speed off before anyone has the chance to catch on and chase after me. I make it about four blocks before pulling my jeep over and slamming my hands on the steering wheel. The tears begin falling before I have the chance to catch my breath, a sob clawing its way out. You pathetic worthless piece of shit. No wonder people leave. You’re breaking down the second that someone leaves you. You’re singlehandedly unable to function unless someone is giving you attention. You’re weak. My father’s words run through my head as I reflect on what I could’ve done to change this current outcome.
These last few months, Eddie has been more withdrawn, and despite seeing each other at work and for our weekly movie nights, we haven’t actually talked in quite some time. There are a plethora of things to discuss; the will, the shooting, being held hostage, Chris having nightmares, and Eddie’s recent attitude change during the holiday season, just to name a few. He decides that reaching out to Eddie via text is his safest bet. He knows that he is running away, but Eddie doesn’t deserve his anger since he is being selfless and choosing what is best for his son.
To: Eddie
From: Buckaroo
Your laugh and smile are contagious and brighten my day, even on my worst ones. Even a single phone call hearing your voice can save me from a rough shift or restless nights.
You’re family-oriented and would drop anything for those you love. Chris is always your number one priority, and that is amazing. I know you’re a good dad despite every argument about your past you’d wish to raise. I know shitty parents, and you’d never be considered one of them.
You’re calm in the craziest of situations; you keep me focused. You can read my mind allowing us to work as a perfect team.
I trust you to have my back no matter what; my life could be in your hands, and I wouldn’t doubt you for a second. You’d do everything in your power to help me come home to our family.
You’re the best father I’ve ever met, and you inspire me to be that good with my future children. I love Chris like he’s my own, and ever since you told me I’m his legal guardian, I strive to prove you made the right decision for as long as you allow me.
Your hugs make me feel safe and protected. I know that if I needed somewhere to run, I could come to you, and you’d welcome me with open arms.
Your house is the only place I truly feel at home. You and Chris are the people that I fight to come home to when times get rough. I will do everything never to leave you two; I know I have people who need me now.
I can be 100% myself with you and never fear judgment. It doesn’t matter if I’m losing my mind, bawling my eyes out, panicking, or needing someone to listen to me talk about something new I learned. You are one of the only people that listen endlessly and freely. I never feel forced to speak, behave, or react a certain way in your presence.
You know me better than anyone I’ve ever met, better than I know myself. I used to think only Maddie would understand me, but then you came along and uprooted every belief I had.
You’re always there for me. You never hesitate to lend a helping hand, listen to me rant, validate my feelings, cheer me up, pull me out of my bed when I don’t feel like getting up, save me from self-pity with pizza and beer, bring Chris over for video games, invite me to your family gatherings for the holidays, so I’m not alone. But, most of all make me feel like I matter to at least one person.
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From: Eds
To: Bucky
Ummm, Buck…what are you doing?
Are you okay? Can we please talk about this?
This isn’t how I wanted this to go, but I didn’t know what else to do!
…
To: Eddie
From: Buckaroo
You said today that you were leaving, and I’m pissed at you. You promised always to have my back and that you’d never give up on me. Your exact words were “that will never happen to us,” and “you’re stuck with us,” yet here you are, running away from the 118, from me! I considered driving to your house and yelling at you in person, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I understand why you’re leaving; I’d do whatever I had to for Chris as well, but you didn’t even talk to me about it beforehand. So instead of taking my anger out on you, I decided to compliment you in hopes that you’d find a reason to stay and remind myself why my anger is worth it. You are one of the most influential people in my life, and I’ve already lost too many. First, Abby left, then Ali, now Maddie and Chimney; I can’t afford to lose you and Chris too. Especially now.
From: Eds
To: Bucky
Buck, please come over.
I know that you may be angry or feel betrayed, but I was never going to leave you. I know that may be how it seems, but you’re just as important to me as Chris. I decided to leave the 118 and didn’t talk with you because I knew you’d talk me out of it, and if you asked me to stay, I wouldn’t have hesitated. Chris needs me to be safe and not worry about adult stuff like me possibly dying every shift. Don’t you understand that?
To: Eddie
From: Buckaroo
Of course, I understand, Eddie, just talk with me. Yes, I’m angry but not because of your decision. I’m mad because I feel like you’ve been pulling away from me these last few months and today felt like the final straw.
I’ll come over if you promise we can sit down and talk about this. No more rash decisions, okay? That’s my job!
From: Eds
To: Bucky
Okay.
See you soon.
To: Eddie
From: Buckaroo
Be there in 15.
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As I pull into the driveway of the house I’ve visited a thousand times, all the anxiety and fears return. I sit in my jeep until I see Eddie peak out the living room window, probably wondering why I didn’t run in and use my key as per usual. Now I feel like I don’t deserve that honor.
He opened the door as I reached the porch and gestured for me to come inside. We stand there as an awkward silence descends upon us for the first time in almost three years. I shuffle to the couch, and the only sound to be heard is the springs creaking under my weight. Eddie slowly joins on the opposite side with plenty of space between us. I’ve lived through a tsunami, but the amount of space between us feels like an ocean. We’ve gone from glued to one another to islands apart, and neither of us seems to know how to mend the damage.
“Ed-”
“Listen, I-”
Once again, we both stop and wait for the other to speak. Again, I gesture to him to go ahead.
“Buck, I never meant to hurt you, so I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize, I’m being stupid.”
Eddie takes a deep breath before starting. “Listen, and please don’t interrupt me! You’re not being stupid, if anyone is, it’s me. I’m gonna be honest, I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing right now. I’m trying my best to make sure my son is happy and not worried about the risks I take but I feel like I’m drowning. I have zero clue what I’m going to do, firefighting was it for me once I returned home, and now my opportunities are limited. Searching for a job may not be that bad, but what about bills, Chris’s insurance, his private school tuition, Carla’s salary…my parents are going to find out and I’m just proving their point that Chris would be better off living with them. I’m failing him even when I’m trying everything I can to ensure he is cared for. I told Bobby to keep my spot until I can find a new job, but I don’t want to. I want to stay at work, have your back, hang with our family we’ve made. I don’t know how to handle all this and I feel like I’m alone and sinking. Then, I think about going outside, and still to this day, the open spaces put me on edge. I feel like my skin is crawling whenever I leave the house for work each morning and most of my days are in panic-fueled hazes that I’m trying to shelter Chris from. I don’t know what to do, Buck. I need help!”
Buck sits there with tears in his eyes as his friend and love of his life sits there in such agony, confusion, desperation, and sadness. Finally, he decides to ignore the gap between them and scoots towards Eddie until their legs and shoulders are touching. Eddie’s brown eyes, usually calm seas of chocolate, are now filled with repressed tears and torment. Buck sets his hand on Eddie’s leg and looks into his eyes.
“Eddie, it’s okay, I’m here. If you need help, we will get it. If you need someone to listen, I’m here. I don’t care how long it takes or what we have to do, just please don’t shut me out. When I said I have you’re back, that includes now. You mentioned lots of things that we need to discuss but let’s just focus on one for right now. I’ll admit, after you said you were leaving, I didn’t hear a word you said, so can you please explain why you’re leaving the 118 if this is what you want to do?”
Eddie leaned his head onto Buck’s shoulder as he began. “Christopher has been having nightmares as I said, but he also was super worried about Christmas this year, and I figured he was trying to make up for the catastrophe that we had with Shannon. Then, I accidentally ruined his gingerbread house and, God Buck, it’s all my fault. He is trying to make things perfect because he is afraid that I’ll be dead next year. Like why should a ten-year-old be worried about that? I know our job isn’t without risk, but selfishly, it’s the only thing I want to spend my life doing. I’ve let Chris down by being selfish in the past and I felt like now I have to do this for him.”
“Eds, you’re not failing him. Everything you do has and always will be with Christopher’s best interest in mind. Usually, I’d say your decision is logical, but today, this one is not. Chris may be relieved that your work environment is less stressful if you quit firefighting, but it won’t make him happy. Seeing his dad unhappy and forcing a job he isn’t 100% into will be just as bad. Chris sees us as his personal superheroes and has said multiple times that he is proud of what we do. Do you really think he wants you to quit?”
“No, but I-I don’t know what my other options are.” Eddie says while reaching for the tissues and leaving Buck feeling empty since his arms are no longer cradling Eddie’s body against his.
“Stay, that has always been an option. Hear me out, people die every day. For example, you could choke on your snot right now and die, which would have nothing to do with firefighting.” Eddie lets out a soft huff as Buck continues. “Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us Eds. Christopher has unfortunately been exposed to this fact with Shannon. Talk with me, talk with him…we will find another way. Just…don’t leave the 118. Let’s call Bobby and take a few days off. At least for you, since he is already a man down, and we will figure this out. We have survived well collapses, shootings, natural disasters, and Chris’s parent-teacher conferences…we will be okay.”
Eddie sits back in Buck’s arm while letting out a small laugh and speaks in the littlest voice Buck has ever heard. “Okay, we can talk later, for right now, can you just…umm…hold me please?”
Buck, never one to deny Eddie, agrees and pulls him closer as the tears subside and their conversation sets in. Time flies by, and Eddie breaks the silence after an unknown amount of time. Buck hears him clear his throat and encourages Eddie to go ahead. The strings on Eddie’s shirt now suddenly the most fascinating thing in the room. “You said tomorrow isn’t promised to us, and you’re right. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life always trying to please everyone else with little care about my own happiness. Today you’ve made me realize that I need to put myself forward, to take care of myself. This is probably the shittiest timing, but I need to tell you before I talk myself out of it. I-I love you, Buck. I’m in love with you and I want you to be by my side while I get help and I want to raise Chris together. I would understand if you didn’t feel the same or don’t want to get involved since I’m such a mess, but I needed to tell you.”
Buck inhales deeply before laughing. “Oh god Eddie, I thought it was going to be something bad. Fuck, I love you so much. I wanted to tell you in my texts earlier, but I was scared that you’d run away even faster if I said something. I don’t care that you’re, as you said, a mess. I am too, we have enough baggage to fill a firetruck, but it doesn’t matter. We will get help, and yes, I said we, because Eddie you aren’t alone anymore. I’m here, and the rest of the 118 is here for us, and Carla. Our family is here! I’ve loved you since we locked ourselves in the back of that ambulance and when I saw you get with Ana, I took Taylor up on her offer, but Eddie it’s always been you. You are the one I want to tease, kiss, cuddle, annoy, make love to, marry, raise children with, grow old with, die with…you are the one that I want my memories to be flooded with. You and Chris are everything and I think as a family we should start moving forward together. I don’t want to rush this, us. I want to take my time, take you on dates, spoil on the holidays. I know that there are some things we need to handle such as talking about the stuff we’ve gone through, me handling the fact Maddie left, oh fu-I got to break up with Taylor. Anyways, it may take a while, but all good things are worth the wait and Eddie, you’re the best thing.”
He squeezed Eddie closer to him, and as the night came to a close and they fell asleep in each other’s arms, he knew that everything would be okay, even if it took them a little bit longer. After all, they’ve already waited three years!