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Published:
2015-03-23
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2023-11-29
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The Bible

Summary:

G-d tries to make the perfect world but those damn ponies keep spoiling it.

Notes:

You can now get a dramatic reading of Chapter one by fanfic critics very own Susan.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKhVR6u54AU

She also skewers two of my other works which is fine I guess, they are not samples of my better stuff.
This is apparently the best bible fanfic she's read which is... not actually high praise seeing as the competition is
the furry bible and that one with the german dictator.
I'll still take it as a win though.

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

In the beginning was the word and the word was god and was with god and still is.
THE LORD God moved upon the face of chaos. He seperated the light from the darkness and named the light day and the darkness night, thus fulfilling the language requirements for his immigration VISA.

G-d created hosts of angels. He created the earth and made birds to fly through the air, fish to teem in the sea, and plants to grow on the ground.
He also brought forth beasts to roam the earth and livestock to reproduce after its kind, though he would regret that decision later on.
This took six days, on the seventh day, he put his feet up and smoked marijuana.
Finally he made a garden more beautiful than all the others and named it Eden.
"I hate gardening, I'll make a gardener."
THE LORD took clay of the earth and breathed into it and formed man and he was named Adam. G-d charged him with tilling the soil and caring for the beasts and birds.

G-d looked down from the heavens upon the world and saw that Adam was alone but also quite content.
I'll soon put a stop to that thought G-d
THE LORD activated his camouflage shield and took one of Adams ribs, without asking and he took the dust of the earth and blew upon it and thus formed woman and she was named Eve.
Adam awoke and was sore confused and asked "Who are you, where did you get those lumps?"
G-d answered him and said "This is Eve, a wo-man as she was taken from man and she will be a companion to thee.
Rule over these lands and subdue the fish and the birds. Ye may eat of the fruit of any plant but not the fruit of the tree of good and evil if thou doest, thou shall surely die."
Eve was confused. "Well which tree is it?"
"The apple tree."
"Which is?"
"That one" THE LORD pointed it out specifically. "That one over there, now do not eat of it or thou shalt surely die, got that?"
"Sure", they said.

Now the pony was more cunning and low than any of the beasts that THE LORD had made.
One day Adam was tilling the fields when an orange pony with a sweet hat came up to him.
"Why howdy doo pardner. How do you feel like trying a nice ripe juicy apple?"
"Oh no, I can't have that, it is the fruit of knowledge of good and evil and eating it will kill me."
"Why that there is the biggest load of baloney I ever did hear. I eat them apples all the time, they're tasty sweet and good to eat."
Eve overheard this and came to ask questions. "Tell us more this is supposed to be the tree of knowledge"
"Well, mah names Applejack and I always tell the truth. You don't get knowledge from eating fruit, you get it from having an eddercation. Now we ponies don't normally wear clothes but you guys, you walking around with your ding dong flapping around is kind of distracting. You can do wonderful things with these apples, making pie, making cider."

Excited by these words Adam and Eve did partake of the fruit and realised they were in the buff and sewed together fig leaves to cover their parts.
Applejack told them of many things both strange and wonderful.
Then the searchlight of THE LORD G-d swept over the garden of Eden and Adam and Eve hid in the trees.
"Come out, come out, wherever you are." sayeth G-d.
Adam cried out "Lord we hide for we are naked and ashamed"
"Why hidest thou and who told thou, thou wast naked?"
Adam who had learnt modern grammar amongst other things replied.
"Lord, it was the neon technicolor pony with the adorable accent who told us this and bade us eat of the fruit."

THE LORD descended from on high in a pillar of smoke.
"Pony, Y U do this?"
"Just telling it like it is pardner. Don't want anyone missing out on that sweet ripe fruit."
"The tree is the root of all evil and will poison their minds" sayeth G-d.
"I resent the imp-lication, mah apples are grown with love and care."
"I made the darned apple tree okay, I made all the apples" sayeth G-d.
"Well ah didn't see you doing it."
"I am THE LORD thy G-d. I made the birds of the air and the beasts of the field."
"Well why would you go makin a tree like that? Them apples won't do em any harm."
"Technically no, the apples won't do that but because they disobeyed a simple command I have to mete out such punishment."
Applejack tilted the brim of her hat. "Fair enough," she drawled.
"Look, i'm trying to pull a fast one here and your ruining it with your darned honesty, it had to be apples, you couldn't have done it with another fruit? sayeth G-d.
"Clues in my name pardner"
"Because of you the earth is cursed, and many cacti and thorns will grow and the soil will be hard. By the sweat of thy brow shalt thou earn thy bread and in sorrow shalt thou eat of it."

"You are totally overreacting. You need to chill out man you need to relax"
"Because thou hast done this I curse thee to crawl on thy belly for all of thy days"
"I ain't doin that" scoffed AppleJack.
THE LORD was wrath. He cast the ponies and the humans out of the garden of Eden and placed east of the gate cherubim, with a flaming sword that turned every which way, so as to keep the way of the tree of life.

Adam and Eve went forth and made rumpy pumpy with each other and bore many sons and daughters. Two of the sons were Kane and Abel but we get to them later.
The sons and daughters were fruitful and multiplied.
The women sat in the shade of the trees and knitted scarves.
The males of the tribe picked the leaves and berries from the bushes. They made many different types of teas and also learnt how to roast coffee beans and they occupied themselves by making hot beverages. Thus the tribe was named the he-brews.

Chapter 2: The Book of Jobs

Notes:

I have no idea if I want to split this into two chapters or update this one as it develops. Job is a rather large book with one continuous theme as opposed to Genesis which although large has many different events and themes. So stay tuned.

Chapter Text

There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job; and this man was perfect and upright (he had taken posture classes when he was small) and one that feared G-d and abstained from evil.

There were born to him seven sons and three daughters. His substance was seven thousand sheep and three thousand camels and five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred she-asses and very many servants who were not asses. And this man was greater than all the children of the east.

Job was considerate to his neighbours and would always help them out.

"Give us a hand Job," they would say and he would always oblige.

 

There came a day in the heavens when there was a gathering and sons of G*d have come to present themselves before him and Lo! Pinkie Pie is among them.

THE LORD said to Pinkie Pie "From where comest thou"

Pinkie Pie doth answer and saith "From going up and down in the earth and wandering to and fro upon it."

THE LORD spake "Considereth thou my servant Job? There is none like him upon the earth,a perfect and upright man, those posture classes really paid off, who feareth G*d and abstains from evil."

Pinkie Pie sniffeth and spake, "Oh come now that is just cupboard love. Hast thou not filled his metaphorical sweetie jar to overflowing? Stretch forth thy hand and wrecketh his crap and see if he has time for you then."

Then G*d saith to Pinkie Pie "Thou makest a good point. All that he has is within your power, only upon himself shall you not lay your hoof."

Pinkie Pie saluted "Okey Dokey Loki"

And G*d saith "That is the viking pantheon, don't mention that sonofabitch in my courtroom! GTFO."

And Pinkie Pie did depart from the presence of G*d.

 

 

It came to pass that sons and daughters of Job were feasting and drinking in the house of their brother the firstborn.

Job was somewhere else getting R&R.
And Job had unto himself a puppy dog. A black and white bull terrier that was favored among his beasts as it could do tricks.

While he minded his business and played with the dog a messenger approached and said, "Thine oxes were ploughing and the asses feeding and they of Sheba hath fallen on them and taken them and smote all thy servants with the sword."

While he yet spoke another messenger came to him and said that fire had come down from the heavens and burned all his sheep and turned them to mutton chops.

While he yet spoke another messenger came and said "Your sons and daughters were partying it up in the house of their brother the firstborn.

A great wind hath come from the east and collapsed the house and they all snuffed it."

And Job rose up and tore his mantle and shaved his head, then he faceplanted in the dirt and worshipped.

"Naked came I from my mothers womb and naked I shall return there."

"Uhh what is he on about?" said one of the messengers.

"He does know biology doesn't work like that doesn't he?"

Job continued.

"THE LORD hath given and THE LORD hath taken away." he proclaimed.

"Must be giving math lessons again" remarked a messenger.

And in all this Job did not profane or sin against G-d

********

There was a day when sons of G-d came before G-d to present themselves to him and Lo! Pinkie Pie comes among them as well to present herself before him.

And G-d said to Pinkie Pie "From where comest thou?"

Pinkie Pie answereth and said "From walking up and down in the earth and going to and fro upon it."

And G-d said to her "Considereth thou my servant Job? There is none like him on earth, postures still good. He fears THE LORD and abstains from evil, and remains firm in integrity, though you moved me against him to swallow him up for naught!"

Pinkie Pie uttereth "What an ass kisser that guy is."

She further spake, "Skin for skin, all that a man has he will give up for his life, but reach forth and touch his bone and flesh and see if he does not curse you to your face."

Then G-d said to Pinkie Pie "Behold he is in your hoof, only spare his life"

Then Pinkie Pie went forth from the presence of G-d and smote Job with exploding party balloons and a bath of rotten custard that gave him shingles and mumps.

Then Job being in great pain, made to sit upon sackcloth and ashes. His companion dog in close proximity caught the diseases and this time the puppy doth snuff it.

His wife came to him and said "Stand you still in your integrity? Curse G-d, push up the daisies and be done with it!"

He replied "Get outta my face hoe. We have received good from G-d shall we not also receive evil?"

She said, "Gladly will I get out of your face as it resembles curdled milk."

Then friends of Job heard of the evil that came upon him, they came each one from his place. Eliphaz the Temanite and Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite and Horefu the Marmite; and they made appointment together to come to condole with him.

When they laid eyes upon him they were distraught and tore their mantle and shaved their heads, this was the start of a new fashion. They sat with him for seven days and none spoke a word.