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Gaon sat on the swing, his mood dismal. He could hear sounds of moving vehicles and noises from people on the main street but the surrounding buildings had muted them till they were muffled and distanced.
Loitering in this empty playground which he had stumbled upon by accident, Gaon felt cut off from the rest of the world. That suited him fine for he couldn’t stomach any more of the festive cheer which had permeated the streets and faces of passers-by.
He could have gone home but Gaon didn’t want to be in his lonely apartment with only his morose thoughts for company. So he had wandered the streets, witnessing the happiness of others and unable to feel any such emotions because his heart was too broken.
Feeling sudden softness on his cheek, Gaon looked up at the dark night sky and realised it was snowing. He stretched out his hand, letting the tiny bits land on his palm, watching as they stayed for a moment before melting out of sight.
First snow on Christmas eve.
Soohyun would be ecstatic for she loved such moments.
But Soohyun wasn’t here and blinking back the tears that threatened to spill, Gaon pushed his feet against the ground and let the swing take him. He swung his legs making the swing go faster.
To and fro.
Back and forth.
And Gaon lost himself in the rhythm, seeing sky, then ground, then sky again like a video being looped on continuous replay.
He didn’t know how long he was on the swing. And he only noticed him when he finally came to a halt, his breaths making white puffs in the wintry air.
What drew Gaon’s attention was the excited anticipation that the man wore like a cloak of happiness. His eyes were trained on the pedway which led to the main street and it was obvious that he was waiting for someone whom he was looking forward to meet.
Did he ever look like this with Soohyun?
And Gaon’s smile was bitter for the answer was no. He realised, now that it was all over, that he had always been on his toes – a carefulness to his words and deeds cause his heart wasn’t in it.
The man would definitely not be like him. And Gaon felt envious as well as guilty.
He envied the lucky woman for the man looked like the type that would make her Christmas wonderful and sweet. And he felt guilty because he hadn’t been that sweet and wonderful to Soohyun.
Regret stabbed like a knife through his heart and Gaon squeezed his eyes shut.
Just breath – he clung to that thought to keep himself from falling apart.
In.
Out.
In again.
Out again.
When the hurt had subsided to a manageable level. Gaon opened his eyes and was surprised to find the man still standing there.
Didn’t the woman come?
And Gaon noticed that the man’s earlier excitement had nearly vanished. His brows were furrowed as he looked at his watch.
Gaon checked his too.
7.23pm.
Was his date late? Maybe there was a jam or maybe she had taken a tad too long to get ready for such a special occasion.
It seemed that the same thought might have occurred to the man for he brightened up and began dusting snow off his clothes. He didn’t touch his hair, even though there were specks of snow on it. Maybe he didn’t want to mess up his carefully done hairdo and Gaon smiled, finding it cute.
All of a sudden, the man looked at him and their gazes met. Gaon was taken aback by his eyes. There was this charm – a magnetic pull that captivated your attention, and right now, they were staring at Gaon, bemused and a little suspicious.
Realising how perverted he must have been, staring at him for so long, Gaon turned pink.
“Sorry,” he uttered as he quickly got off the swing. The man waved a hand indicating that it was alright and no harm had been done. But Gaon was too embarrassed to stay put any longer. He quickly walked past him, making a hasty exit.
“Aren’t you cold?”
The question caught Gaon by surprise and he halted his steps.
“You’ve been on the swing for quite some time.”
So someone had been looking too.
Gaon eyed the man, wondering why he was interested. They were in Seoul and city-like places didn’t make people friendly, not unless they had some motive for doing so.
But come to think of it, Gaon would have asked the same too if he was in the man’s shoes. Temperature today was near 4 degree Celsius and only a mad person would want to play the swing in such freezing conditions.
Gaon shrugged and gave the man a polite smile as a reply. He then took a step towards the pedway when for some inexplicable reason, he turned and asked the man.
“Aren’t you cold, waiting so long for your date?”
The man’s eyes widened in surprise before they crinkled to match the amused smile on his face.
“What makes you think I’m on a date?”
Gaon opened his mouth to say why when he realised how presumptuous he was being. What he had assumed was the truth was actually just his own conjecture – his thoughts projected on someone whom he knew nothing of. That was rude and cheeks turning pink again, Gaon apologised.
“Sorry...and Merry Christmas.”
Without waiting for an answer, Gaon trotted down the pedway. He only slowed his pace when he was sure that the man couldn’t see him from where he stood at the entrance to the playground.
That was indeed strange and Gaon didn’t quite know what to make of it. It wasn’t unpleasant, even though he had ended up being flustered twice. And neither was it one of those warm-your-heart moments that Gaon had read about online. It was, however, a nice distraction from thinking about Soohyun and the end result of their relationship.
Well, time to go home then.
Pulling his jacket tight as wind gusted down the pedway, slicing cold into him, Gaon hoped that the man didn’t have to wait too long in such frigid weather. Whoever he might be meeting had better come soon and Gaon hoped that the man would...
Wait a minute!
Gaon suddenly stopped in his tracks, earning curious stares from the few people nearby.
Why was he still thinking about him? It was none of his business whether the man froze his butt off or had a wonderful time during Christmas. Shaking his head as if trying to shake some sense into himself, Gaon continued making his way towards the main street.
But the more he didn’t want to, the more he thought about it. And to his dismay, Gaon caught himself checking every person that was heading in the direction of the playground – wondering if he or she might be the one the man was waiting for.
Just before he reached the main street, Gaon gave up and u-turned back to the playground. He couldn’t explain why he was so interested and the closest example he could think of was watching a movie and being stuck with a cliffhanger. Gaon just wanted to know how the ending would be.
When part of the playground came into view, Gaon sneaked behind one of those information boards which showed what the nearby shops were. He carefully peeped out and there was no one at the spot where the man was standing at just now.
He was gone and Gaon straightened up, feeling silly for what he had done.
Happy now – he mocked at himself.
Just as he was about to leave, a movement caught his eyes. Stepping closer, Gaon was stunned to find the man sitting on the same swing he had sat on earlier.
The way he was slumped forward, hands clasped before him as he stared at the ground, and Gaon’s heart sank. Everything about the man screamed of an unhappy ending and Gaon felt bad for him.
It was really none of his business but Gaon couldn’t help it. Maybe it was because he knew how it was like to be the ones not blessed with joy on Christmas eve.
His footsteps must have alerted the man for he suddenly looked up and he was surprised to see Gaon. Then his expression became one that Gaon understood very well for he had worn the same countenance the whole day long. There were a whole lot of sadness, a great deal of hurt, some anger and bitter disappointment.
“Do you think if I play on the swing, it will help?”
The man’s question drew a snort of laughter from Gaon.
“You’ll end up with a frozen face and numb fingers but your feelings stay the same.”
That brought a wry smile to the man before it vanished much too fast. An awkward silence descended then and growing uncomfortable with it, Gaon finally blurted out the first thought that came to his mind.
“I know it’s not much but I’m sorry for what had happened to you.”
“That’s the third time you’ve said sorry to me,” the man gave him a wan smile which, nevertheless, showed gratefulness for Gaon’s effort to comfort him.
Gaon scratched the back of his head, feeling sheepish and wishing he were better at this.
“You haven’t had dinner, right?”
The man’s sudden question had Gaon scrutinizing him, wondering why he asked that.
“The restaurant’s been booked and it’s Christmas eve.”
There was this desperation in the man’s eyes – a desire not to be alone on this night.
Gaon could feel his heart softening despite the warning bells in his head. The man was a stranger after all, and there were too many stories of bad things happening to those who went off with someone unknown.
But there was also something about Christmas that made those who were heartbroken, even more desolate and miserable. And Gaon could understand why the man had asked him cause he was one of them too.
“Where are we going?”
The man was definitely not expecting a ‘yes’ for he froze for a moment before getting off the swing.
“It’s not that far...”
He then looked at him with such gratitude that Gaon felt himself turning pink again for the third time today.
-
“Are you sure they’ll let me in?” Gaon looked at the restaurant and felt like a fish out of water.
It was one of those fancy restaurants that he and Soohyun admired but would never dare to step foot in. It wasn’t that they couldn’t afford it (both of them were holding jobs that pay reasonably well). It was just an uncomfortableness – a fear of messing up because they had zero experience with such places.
“There wouldn’t be any problem,” the man smiled, confident and assured. But Gaon couldn’t help but look at his dressing before comparing his to the man’s.
He would definitely fit well in the restaurant.
The muted tones of blue, from his overcoat to his shirt, lent an air of understated elegance to the man. That only emphasised the matured attractiveness he possessed and Gaon couldn’t understand why the man had been stood up when there were many who had ogled him during their short walk here.
In contrast, Gaon looked like an immature punk in his sweatshirt and with its hood pulled over his head. His outer jacket was an odd sort of worn-out pink and it definitely looked store-bought and cheap. To think that he was worried about the man having criminal intentions, when the man should be the one worried about him – cause Gaon looked so untrustworthy with the delinquent feel of his clothing.
There was a light touch on his arm which was then quickly withdrawn. Gaon looked at the man and there was an uncertainty in his eyes as if the man wasn’t sure his action was acceptable. They were, in a way, still strangers and even a simple gesture had to be taken with careful consideration. Gaon realised then that they didn’t even know each other’s names – neither of them taking that step to introduce themselves while making their way here.
The door to the restaurant suddenly burst open, drawing their attention. Out came a bespectacled scrawny man who was beaming with delight as he dashed down the steps.
“You’re finally here!” He slapped the man’s back and it must have been quite hard for the man grunted and tried to move away.
“And here I was worried that something might have happened to you,” the bespectacled man grabbed him, holding on tight to his arm.
Gaon couldn’t hide his mirth as he watched the man try to pry the clingy hands off, all the while, wincing at the excited volume the bespectacled man was speaking. It was clear that the bespectacled man liked him a lot for he couldn’t stop rattling on about his joy at seeing him.
“We’re cold and hungry!”
The man finally managed to get his words in and the bespectacled man gasped, a hand flying up to cover his own mouth.
“Oh my, sorry!”
Then, turning to Gaon, he exclaimed, “And you must be his date!”
Gaon blinked, stunned by the unexpected statement as it never occurred to him that the man’s date might be a he. Before he could rectify the mistaken identity, the bespectacled man grasped him by his shoulders and eyed him up and down.
“Let’s see...appearance...not bad. Body...” And the bespectacled man squeezed Gaon’s arms causing him to squeak in surprise. Gaon looked at the man, seeking his help. But the man crossed his arms and gave him a smile that told him it was payback time – cause Gaon had laughed at his expense just now.
By the time the bespectacled man was done exaggerating his physical qualities, Gaon really would like to jump into a hole and bury himself.
“Are all your friends like this?” He hissed-whispered at the man when the other one went ahead to show them into the restaurant.
“Only Hwaryong,” the man grinned as he held the glass door open for him, “And he’s not really a friend. More like he consider me his family after I helped him out.”
That got Gaon’s curiosity piqued. But he didn’t ask further as the entry hall which they had stepped in had captivated his interest.
You could call it an occupational hazard. But his job as a landscape designer had cultivated an interest in anything design-related. Gaon couldn’t help but admire the tastefully done interior. There was a sense of stately refinement with its hardwood floor and classic furnishings but it wasn’t pompous nor overbearing. In fact, there was a familiar feel to it that Gaon couldn’t quite put his finger on. He soon forgot about it when Hwaryong urged them to remove their jackets before ushering them down a short corridor and into the next room.
The same refined feel had been carried over into this room as well but there was an added element of informality to it. If the entry hall was designed to impress, then the dining area was designed to put you at ease and Gaon appreciated the thoughtfulness of the designer. Too often, designs fell into the trap of trying to have the wow factor and they ended up ignoring the function of a room.
It didn’t take them long to get to their table as the restaurant wasn’t very big with about ten tables or so. Just as they were able to take their seats, something on the wall caught Gaon’s eye.
“You must be kidding me!” Gaon exclaimed, moving closer to examine the small picture hanging on the wall above their table.
It was a photo of a motorcycle and it wasn’t any ordinary bike. Gaon had only seen photos of it online for that was how rare the bike was with only 45 ever produced by the Italian Bimota manufacturer.
“Don’t tell me you really own one,” Gaon turned to Hwaryong, his voice disbelieving as well as in awe.
“Not me,” Hwaryong waved a hand in denial before pointing at the man, “It’s his.”
That had Gaon shifting his attention to the man, his eyes bright and dancing with excitement, “Is that true?”
“Why don’t you sit down first?” The man suggested as he leaned back in his seat, tickled by Gaon’s reaction.
Realising how uncouth he was being, Gaon quickly sat down. He opened his mouth but Hwaryong beat him to it first, asking for their drinks order.
“So what will it be? Wine, beer, makgeolli?”
“You serve makgeolli?”
Gaon was amazed. Judging from the decor, he thought the restaurant only had western fine dining.
“We do and Korean cuisine too. But tonight, there’s a special menu for Christmas eve so you only get to choose your drinks.”
Hwaryong looked at Gaon, waiting for his answer but Gaon looked at the man instead, deferring the decision to him. It was after all, he who brought him here so he should be the one to make the decision.
“Is there anything you rather not have?” The man asked as he flipped open the drinks menu.
Gaon shook his head. He really didn’t have any preference because he wasn’t into alcohol. It was Soohyun who loved to drink and she was the one who did the deciding.
The thought of her dampened Gaon’s mood so he wasn’t really paying attention as the man listed a few choices before shutting the menu.
“Be right back with your order and...” giving them a cheeky grin, “You two lovebirds, enjoy yourselves.”
That shook Gaon out of his thoughts but before he could clarify the matter, Hwaryong had already walked off.
“Are you really bothered by it?” the man frowned in concern, “I can go and...”
He made a move to get up but Gaon quickly stopped him.
“No, no, it’s okay,” Gaon hastily reassured him, “It’s just that...and I’m...never mind. This is more important!”
And Gaon jabbed a finger at the photo that had gotten him so excited.
“You really have one? Really really?!”
The man stared for a moment before he burst into laughter.
“Hey, what’s so funny?”
“Sorry...” he tried to control himself but failed miserably. Gaon crossed his arms, a little annoyed as he waited impatiently for the man to recover.
“You really like motorcycles that much?” The man finally asked, a little breathless from all the laughing.
“And you really like to answer a question with a question,” Gaon retorted which had the man waving a hand, acknowledging that it was a bad habit of his.
“Yes, I own that,” The man smiled with much fondness as he looked at the photograph, “And several others too.”
The way he looked around the room had Gaon doing the same too. That was when he spotted three other photos hanging at selected spots where they wouldn’t jar the design of the space. They were just as extraordinary as the one above him. And Gaon couldn’t believe his luck, meeting someone who actually owned what any motorcycle enthusiasts would give their right arm for.
Then that familiar feel which he couldn’t quite put his finger on, struck him again. Gaon studied the room, then the man, then the room again, and suddenly realised why.
“You designed this place!” Gaon gasped, certain that he was right.
It was in the little details – the way the man had tucked a grey scarf in his shirt, a twirl of chain with a cross to his right wrist, a discreetly embroidered emblem on his shirt pocket. The same feel could be felt in the room, and it wasn’t just the muted coloured photographs of his motorbikes, it was in the choice of decorative items that added the man’s unique touch to the interior.
The man didn’t just widen his eyes, he gaped at Gaon, stunned.
“And you’re right!”
Hwaryong’s voice interrupted them as he placed a bottle of wine and two glasses on the table. Clapping a hand on the man’s shoulder, his eyes heartfelt and smile grateful, Hwaryong gestured at the room.
“Mr Kang designed this for me. And if not for his help, I wouldn’t be that successful.”
“How did you know?” The man asked as he shrugged Hwaryong’s hand off his shoulder.
Gaon fingered the draw-string of his sweatshirt, unnerved by how the man was looking at him – amazed and very interested. He then stuttered out the observations he had made while Hwaryong popped open the bottle of Prosecco and poured the sparkling wine into their glasses.
When Gaon was done, Mr Kang shook his head and muttered, “You’re the first to ever know.”
That had Gaon tilting his head, not quite understanding the meaning of his words.
“My friends, and him,” Mr Kang eyed Hwaryong who had returned with a plate of appetizers, “Only know my designs if my name is published with it. Otherwise...”
He made a gesture that showed how clueless they were and Hwaryong protested.
“I’m not a designer, of course, I wouldn’t know. To me, a room is just a room and so long as the furniture don’t break, I’m fine with it.”
Mr Kang snorted and rolled his eyes, looking insulted and Gaon smiled at the easy camaraderie the two of them had. That was how he and Soohyun were like before he ruined it all by listening to others instead of following his heart.
“You’re a designer too?” Hwaryong looked at him and Gaon nodded.
“Landscaping.”
“Oh my!”
The sudden gleam in Hwaryong’s eyes had Gaon straightening up – a sudden feeling that Hwaryong was about to ask him to do a task that was all effort and little gain.
“No, you’re definitely not,” Mr Kang, who seemed to have catch on, warned Hwaryong.
“But the garden...”
“Go get our food before I change my mind and charge you the cost of the design!”
“Fine,” Hwaryong pouted, “Didn’t know you’re that possessive about your boyfriend.”
“Actually...you’ve got it wrong.”
Gaon’s words had the two of them looking at him.
“He’s not my boyfriend. We..ah...” and Gaon checked his watch, “Just met like an hour ago.”
“Seriously!” Hwaryong stared at him in disbelief.
“But you two like motorcycles and you two are designers... It’s like a match made in heaven and that means...”
Hwaryong snatched the bottle of Prosecco from the table, “You should celebrate with a bottle of champagne and not this!”
He then scooted off in a cloud of happy excitement before anyone could say anything.
“Is that why you didn’t bother explaining?” Gaon couldn’t believe how the misunderstanding had continued on despite him telling the truth.
Mr Kang sighed, vexation etched onto his face, “When Hwaryong gets an idea, he’s extremely stuck to it. So don’t ever give him your number. He’ll come after you like an avalanche to get you to do his garden.”
“And don’t give me yours either,” he added as an afterthought, “I don’t want Hwaryong coming after me as well.”
That had Gaon laughing, soft and merry, and influenced by him, Mr Kang ended up doing the same, his voice low and more masculine than his. It felt good – the bubbly happiness that laughter brings and it wasn’t just him who felt that way too.
He could see it in Mr Kang as well as feel it himself – a relaxation of their demeanour, a draining away of an awkward tension between two strangers who barely knew each other and so, had to be careful with one another.
After that, their conversation flowed with an easygoing-ness as if they had known each other for many years. They rambled on from motorcycles to the design projects they were doing, and they even argued for quite a bit about the merits of recycle vs recycling. There was a marked difference that most layman didn’t know and Gaon quite enjoyed the discourse with Mr Kang. He seldom had a chance to do so as Soohyun wasn’t into it and neither were his friends.
Hwaryong, whenever he came to serve them the next dish, often teased them, going on and on about they being like a married couple. And Gaon, to his surprise, really didn’t mind.
It wasn’t that it was just for one night and he probably wouldn’t see them again.
Gaon hadn’t felt such friendliness ever since his fallout with Soohyun which had also cost him the few friends he had. Moreover, Mr Kang was such good company, so different from his social circle which was not much in the first place – just some regular clients and the few university friends he and Soohyun shared.
So when their desert was done and the restaurant was nearly empty, Gaon felt a reluctance to let their chance encounter end. He not only had enjoyed his time with Mr Kang, he hadn’t felt the pang of losing Soohyun during their dinner together.
After all the warmth and pleasantness he had experienced in the last few hours, the thought of having to re-face his misery, terrified him a bit. No wonder they said that people go crazy when they lose what they already have. And Gaon didn’t want to lose the happy feelings he had just acquired. He wasn’t ready yet.
And Mr Kang, by refusing to let him pay for his share of the dinner, made him feel even more indebted. Hadn’t he already given him a brief respite from all the pain he had been carrying? And here he was saying that he wanted to thank him for his companionship when it should be Gaon doing so instead.
“At least let me buy you a drink,” Gaon requested after Hwaryong had left with Mr Kang’s credit card, “I want to thank you too.”
He obviously hadn’t expected it for Mr Kang looked at Gaon with a mix of befuddlement and curiosity.
Maybe it was because he was slightly buzzed from the alcohol they had consumed. Or maybe he was tired of pretending he was alright when he really wasn’t.
“I... I just divorced my wife.”
There were no exclamations of dismay nor looks of sympathy. Mr Kang's expression – neither judgmental nor pitying – had Gaon feeling a sense of relief. He was so tired of the perfunctory attempts to console him with run-of-the-mill phrases. And it was definitely better than Soohyun’s look of betrayal and the accusatory stares of their friends.
“We were best friends since kindergarten,” Gaon plucked at the napkin that laid on his lap, “And she was always telling me that she was in love with me. So when people kept telling me how Iucky I was having your best friend love you like that, I...”
Gaon bit his lip for he sounded so lame. They were just excuses and it didn’t change the fact that he had been swayed by the opinions of others instead of believing in his own judgement. He never loved Soohyun the way lovers should. He thought he did but on hindsight, Gaon realised that he had only been going through the motions.
“I was having a hard time earlier,” Gaon looked at Mr Kang, his smile turning from one that was tormented to one filled with gratitude, “And then you offered me dinner.”
Mr Kang didn’t say a word. He just looked at him, his mood pensive. And Gaon couldn’t help but feel that he might have crossed a line. This was after all, a dinner of convenience – a means for Mr Kang to get through what was otherwise, a disastrous Christmas eve. And maybe, he didn’t want a sob-sob story to ruin the moment.
“Is that why you were at the playground?”
“I stumbled upon it when I was wandering about.”
Bitterness filled Gaon at how stupid he had been – roaming the streets in the cold and torturing himself with the festive cheer of others. It must have shown on his face for Mr Kang reached out and grasped his hand which was resting on the table. It was just a brief squeeze of his fingers before he let go. But it was a soothing balm to Gaon’s troubled heart.
“I was going to meet someone I shouldn’t meet.”
The way he spoke and the look in his eyes, told Gaon that Mr Kang was sharing something intensely private. His earlier quietness wasn’t because he disliked Gaon sharing his. It was because he needed time to brace himself to do his own.
“I have this junior,” Mr Kang kept his eyes on the plate that held crumbs of the desert they just had.
“We met in university. He’s married. But we still meet once in a while. He texted me just now. He said that he couldn’t do it anymore.”
The silence that fell then, was like a cocoon that wrapped them up in a world of their own. It wasn’t uncomfortable nor oppressive. It was more like giving space to each other – to absorb what had been shared, to regain their composure.
How long they sat like this, Gaon had no idea.
It was only when Hwaryong plonked a bottle of Imperial on their table, that they were shaken out of their reverie.
“You two look like you needed this,” Hwaryong added two whiskey glasses next to the bottle and then he started clearing the table.
“I don’t know what happened,” he continued, “But, please, don’t ruin that lovely chemistry you two have. How often do you think you get to meet someone and form an instant connection?”
Straightening up with the used cutlery and plates in his hands, Hwaryong gave them a look which reminded Gaon of his middle school teacher being annoyed with how dense he was. He then stalked off and the two of them were really alone this time – the dining area without a single soul in sight.
Gaon looked at Mr Kang and he could tell that the same thought was going through his mind.
Did they have it? An instant connection?
But it felt so ephemeral, easily cut off with just a step out of this restaurant and a word of goodbye.
Maybe he might regret it tomorrow and maybe nothing would come out of it and it would just become a warm-your-heart memory. But Gaon wanted to try, this time, to listen to his heart.
He stuck out his right hand and was taken aback when Mr Kang did the same with his, at exactly the same moment. It seemed that the two of them had arrived at the same conclusion and they didn’t even say a word to each other.
With a smile that was warm and inviting, Mr Kang grasped Gaon’s outstretched hand.
“Kang Yohan, happy to meet you.”
And Gaon, his smile probably a mirror of Yohan’s, shook the hand in his grasp.
“Kim Gaon and glad to meet you.”
Inspired by these two photos found on Pinterest. (Credits goes to whoever created them.
And this is the motorcycle that Gaon was excited about.
